Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 5, Episode 1 - Italy: Part 1 - full transcript

Why, huh? Why would
you take Joanne's card?

What? I could
take her card.

You never know
when I'm gonna need some...

"dental insurance."

You know, there's a reason
she's your ex-wife.

All right already.
Hey, Deb.

You know, I know
it's none of my business,

but I cannot believe
you took that card.

Ugh! Why do we even...

weren't you trying
to make it work with Amy?

I thought that you were
happy with Amy



and unhappy with Joanne
"the Nutcracker."

But you know what?
You and Ray do what you want.

Me?

All right, listen up.

Your mother wants to...

I don't know.

I said announce me,
Frank.

What kind
of announcing is that?

Just do it. Everything has
to be a big deal.

You have to ruin everything?
Ls that why you're here?

- Why don't you jump up a cow's...
- Hey hey!

What?

We're going to Italy.

Yeah.



Forever?

We are all going to Italy.

- What?
- For two weeks.

How?

You see,
it is a big deal.

As you know,
my birthday is coming up,

and I have secretly
been putting aside money

for 45 years,

and this is what I want.

I want half that money. I want
all that money. That money's mine!

Quiet. So I've been in touch
with my mother's cousin Colletta,

who lives in a little village
outside of Rome,

and we're invited,

and I'm paying...
the whole family.

Me too?

Of course you, dear.
You're family!

Me too?

Yes yes, and the kids too...
everyone.

Maybe I can tell my lady troubles
to the Pope.

It's a little,
tiny village...

Oh my God.
Oh my God!

Yeah, listen listen,
stop dancing, stop.

Stop. You understand that this
is a vacation with my family, okay?

Don't we want a vacation
from my family?

Lf they're gonna bother me anyway,
I'll take bothered in Italy.

But we were gonna go
to the Jersey shore.

Ltaly.

Free trip to Italy.

I don't know.

I'm not really interested
in other cultures.

Okay, you know,

in the past,

your dumbness...

has gotten in the way
of just like a few things

that I've wanted to do...
the book club, theater,

having conversations.

But I just wanna say
this one thing,

and we won't have
to discuss it anymore:

You're not blowing this
for me, pal!

We're going to Italy!

I'm so happy.

Oh look.
Look at that.

I can't believe
that we're here.

Do you know
it's been 60 years

since we've seen each other?

I remember you were
a very needy baby.

Do you remember
my Dario?

Dead.

Gone over 40 years.

He looks like Burt Lancaster, no?

Dario.

Like Burt Lancaster.

Who's that?

That's my second
husband, Giorgio.

Hi, nice to meet you.

I don't know
what he looks like.

He's good with wood.

Come, you are hungry.

We actually had a lot
to eat on the plane.

You'll eat now.

- All right.
- Come on, kids. Lsn't this good?

Look at this.

Oh my God, this is amazing!
Ray, taste this.

No, I can't taste
anything.

I got a cold from that
damn air conditioner on the van.

Freezing in there.

You'll eat now.

Jeez oh Lou!

- You made this?
- Of course.

I married
the wrong broad.

You have a lovely home.

Come, come.
I'll show you the rest.

This will be for Debra and
Raymond and the children.

Oh oh,
this is wonderful.

Oh, I love this.

This is it?

- What, Ray?
- Nothing.

Had more room
in coach.

- My God, look at this, look at this.
- What?

Oh my God.

I'm gonna cry.

Can you believe this?

It's nice,
the water, yeah.

That room's kinda small,
though, don't you think?

I mean, we're gonna
be jammed in there

with the kids
for two weeks.

Did you look
at the place, really?

It's all kind of... old.

It's just...

this is not the ideal
vacation for a guy

who works like a dog
this whole year.

It's chilly now.

I'm going in.
My nose is running here.

Thank you, Giorgio.
This is great.

I speak English little.

Oh, yeah?
Hey, beautiful.

I'm glad you're here.

Ls better.

Not so much...

What?

Oh, I get it, yeah...

Si...

Giorgio, what are you doing?

You're spilling on the table.
You're a pig.

Yes, my sweet.
Sorry.

All right, everyone,
now we don't have time to dawdle.

Oh, we've gotta start
sightseeing.

We're going to stick to my itinerary.
Get up, Frank.

Come on, everyone. We're gonna
have fun, fun with Grandma.

Come on, come on.
Whoo, here we go.

She did pay for the trip.

And now we pay.

Who wants the best
ice cream in the world?

Cheap foreign napkins.

Hey.

Come on, what are you
all mopey about?

I don't know. I can't enjoy myself
because of my dilemma.

- It's not a dilemma.
- It is a dilemma, Raymond.

You're not the only one
with dilemmas.

I got Amy, but I keep
thinking about Joanne.

I can't sort out
my feelings.

And I'm in the most
gorgeous place in the world,

and I'm sitting here
next to you.

Robby, here's your peach. Raymond,
you sure you don't want anything?

No, I can't
taste anything, Ma.

Don't be sick here.

You know,
I called Joanne today.

What what, from here?
What's wrong with you?

I hung up
when she answered.

I couldn't talk to her.
Cost me 20 bucks.

I'm a loser.

It's just that I wanna...

Holy Mother of God.

What?

This. This...

this is...

it's as if I've never
tasted a peach before.

Mmm...

It's as if you've never been
in public before. Would you stop it?

Buon giorno.

Giorno.

You like something
to drink?

Si.

Limonata?

Si.

Excuse, please.

What? What the hell
are you doing?

Ray, it's that thing.
It's that thing,

you know what Dad always talks about,
the thunderbolt.

- Who, the gelato girl?
- Don't call her that.

What are you talking about?
That's what she is.

I don't know
her long-term goals.

- Excuse, please.
- Oh my Lord.

Grazie.

Okay, I'm gonna go blow
my nose in the tablecloth.

So... speak English?

A little.

So you're in gelato.

Yes, for now.

Stefania!

I think your boss
wants you back.

- I better go.
- Wait.

- Stefania!
- All right, pal, Jeez.

Gotta learn
how to chill out a little.

What's with this guy?

He is my father.

Oh, that's nice.

He's a hard worker.

I will see you again?

See me again?

Oh oh, yes.

Stefania!

- Ciao.
- Ciao.

Hey, sexy!

- What do you want?
- Hey, listen, Rome today.

Can you believe it?
It's only half an hour away.

- And Colletta's gonna watch the kids.
- Great.

I hate this damn thing.

The spray has no pressure.

It's like
a third-world country.

Stupid place.

Would you lighten up?
Look where we are.

I am looking.
I'm taking a bath like Columbus.

- How about that Giorgio guy?
- What?

I saw him drinking
my Listerine, that's what.

Whole place is annoying.

You gotta change money.
That's a scam.

Nobody sees that?
How could they not see that?

Tell you what, say what you want
about New Jersey...

Hey hey!

Are you crazy?
I'm taking a shower!

Oh my God!

Oh, God.

No!

- I would do what she says, Ray.
- No!

Would everybody leave,
please?

Hey, you want me to get
the video camera?

No, would you stop
hitting me, all right?

You can't do this to me.
I'm an American.

This wasn't
in the brochure.

Aw, look how cute.

Okay.

We're all getting
in that?

Good luck, sweetie.

I don't think I'm gonna fit
in there, either.

You can sit on top
and push with your arms.

- Oh, hello there.
- Hello.

- Where do you go?
- I was, you know, gonna go to Rome.

Look around,
"Rome" around.

Come with me.
I can show you.

Okay.

Not you. Get back.
Get back!

I show you Roma and...
Il Lago di Bracciano,

where I grow up,
okay?

Yes, very nice.

Hurry up before
my father sees.

Robert, I don't understand.
What is this?

This is luck.
Toots, over here.

- Ciao.
- Ciao.

Look at this.

Robert gets
the gelato girl,

and I get hosed down
by Mrs. Mussolini.

This is something!

Look at the fountain.

Oh, Raymond, I can't
believe we're here.

These are
the Spanish Steps.

Spanish? I knew we were
walking too long.

La Isla del Corda,

- according to my book...
- Okay, sorry I asked.

- Okay, come on, we're going up.
- Do we have to, really?

Ray, this is
the Spanish Steps.

Where's the Spanish Elevator?

- I'll go with you.
- Thank you, Marie.

Only you would think
of these as stairs.

What are they then?

Hey, let me carry
that stuff for you, cara mia.

Thank you, Frank.

One, two, three,

four.

Walk walk walk,

four five six,

seven...

Excuse me.

I said, "bellissima"...
very beautiful.

- Nice hair.
- Oh, thank you.

All right, let's go.

- Ciao, beautiful girl.
- Okay, bye-bye.

- Don't say "bye" to them.
- Why not? They were very nice.

Very nice.
You talked to them.

Now they're gonna
follow you home.

- Would you stop it?
- No, you stop.

You like that.
Hey...

Hey, now listen, you've
gotta watch yourself, okay?

They got one thing
on their mind.

That's how
Italian men are.

Not all of them.

Hey, what? What's that
supposed to mean?

You got nothing better
to do but ogle women?

Start working
on a stand-up shower.

Anyway, so the kids wanna
sleep with Grandma and Debra,

so I'm gonna sleep
here with you, okay?

No problem.

Just don't hog
the covers

and it'll be
an upgrade for me.

You getting
undressed or what?

I'll make a deal with you. I'll take
something off, you put something on.

Good night there, son.

Yeah, all right.

Good night.

It's a beautiful place, huh?

Oh, yeah yeah,
good night.

I'll tell ya,

when your mother told me
she'd been hiding that money from me,

I was thinking what dress
to lay her out in.

And now I'm here

in friggin' Italy.

It's like a dream.

I'm from Lynbrook.
I worked my whole life.

I never thought
I'd be in such a place.

I was just wondering,

could your leg be
in another place?

I happen to be serious.

All right, okay.

No, I know I...

I complain about stuff
and all that,

but...

I'm a lucky man.

I'm a very lucky man.

I'm not holding him.

"There were gladiators

and reenacted
sea battles here

until the 5th century."

So should we go see
the Forum now?

Oh, you know, actually, I could use
a little break, Marie.

- But it's right over there.
- I know,

and I wanna really go
see it, but...

But if we don't stick
to my schedule, we won't see it.

And we did stop
for your other thing before.

My other thing before?
You mean the bathroom?

40 minutes.

First of all,
you're timing me now?

And second of all,
I do not take 40 minutes.

Yes, dear, but when you go,
everyone else has to go.

You know, Marie,
it's just that

I need a little time to myself.
That's all.

I mean, we have been doing
everything you've wanted to do, right?

Are you saying you feel obligated
because I'm paying for this trip?

- 'Cause that's not what I want.
- No, of course not.

- And I am really grateful.
- Really?

- Ray.
- No comment.

Ray, say something.

I said something.
No comment.

- Ray.
- What, want me to say something?

I'll say something.
This is what you get.

'Cause I told you
it was gonna get like this,

but you ever listen
to me, huh?

No no no, I'm just dumb Ray
who likes New Jersey.

I wish I was
in New Jersey right now,

'cause I saw this coming,
all right?

I just didn't think
it would take so long

or I would get sick from hot
and then cold and then hot and then cold

or get a Mama Leone handwash

or have to sleep with my father.

Why don't you stuff it, Ray?
Your parents are fine compared to you.

Me, what the hell did I do?

At least they're trying
to have a good time.

You've been nothing but a grumpy pain
in the ass the whole trip.

Don't fight here.
It's the Coliseum.

I'm a pain in the ass?
I'm a pain in the ass?

Fine, I will not be a pain

in anyone's ass anymore!

And I'm not sleeping
with you anymore!

What are you looking at?

Mm-mm-mm!

Thanks for all
the gelato, Stefania.

All the gelato you want.

You have a great life.

I'm glad you like.

I like everything.

I fully intend
to pay for this.

Hey, what's your problem?

Nothing nothing,

I'm just ready
to go home, that's all.

Oh.

You got more Listerine?

I told you to wear a hat.
Why can't you listen to me?

- All right, enough, I'm fine!
- You're fine?

You look like the top
of a police car.

- Put some cream on that.
- No!

Frank, you put some cream
on that head right now.

You're gonna be
in pain later.

I've been in pain
since the wedding!

He refuses to accept
the fact that he has no hair.

What?

What's the matter, dear?

Oh, I know what it is.

It's Debra.

- Ma, please.
- You know what you and I need?

A nice long walk.

That would be so wonderful,
wouldn't it?

Hey, Ma, do you know if we have
any mob connections here in town?

Because I might need
a little help.

What's the matter? You look
so terrible. Tuck in your shirt.

No no, I'm fine, Ma. It's just that
Stefania's father wasn't too thrilled

- to find me with his daughter.
- What?

Now he's having
a vacation.

This is wild. I went out the window
when Pops went to get a shovel.

Congratulations.
Stefania Fogagnolo.

Thanks there, Giorgio.

Signore Fogagnolo,
he will kill you.

You'd better stay away
from that girl, Robby.

Yeah, right.

Nothing like this has
ever happened to me before.

Hey, Ray, you wanna go
get a gelato?

- I'm not going there with that father.
- Come on.

Get out of here.
He'll use me to beat you to death.

Come on, look, hey, maybe
he'll chase us with the shovel, huh?

Come on...

Get off me, you nut.
I'm not going there.

Hey hey hey, you gotta
wake up here, little bro.

Look where you are, man.
You're missing it!

I've never seen him
like this, so happy.

I don't like it.

- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Daddy.

Hey, what did you do?
Feed the ducks or something?

You wanna feed 'em
with us tomorrow?

Yeah, maybe, we'll see.

Yeah yeah,
Daddy's very busy, you guys.

He really doesn't have time
for fun this trip.

He has a lot of moping to do,
which is quite time consuming.

- Gimme a break, please.
- Why don't you give me a break?

I thought that this could be a time
for all of us to be together.

Listen, I can't do
this right now

'cause I just promised my mother
I would take a walk.

That's true, dear.

Have a nice time.

I'm so glad we could
do this, Raymond.

You really seem
to need it.

- Need what?
- This.

Just the two of us
walking and talking.

You know, we never
get a chance to talk.

- We don't?
- No, not like this.

We rarely get a chance
to just talk...

no interruptions,
distractions, Deb...

Anyway, first of all,

I'm feeling a little bit
upset about something.

That water is
kinda nice, huh?

It's beautiful.
I'm feeling that everyone else

seems to think
that they have the right to do

just exactly what
they want on this trip.

- And they don't?
- Well, they do. Of course they do.

But they could at least
consult with me first.

I know.
No, he's your father.

Between you and me,
I can't take it anymore.

He seemed to be
having a good time.

What, this morning?
That's finished.

I had the nerve
to tell him to wear a hat.

Of course, everything has
to be his way.

I begged him 50 times, "Please, please,
get someone to fix the garage door."

You know what he says?
"I can do it myself."

And of course, you know what happens.
He doesn't do it.

It's been three months.

Anybody could get into that garage
if they wanted.

Please.

What are you
stopping for?

Nothing, no, I just never
seen 'em like this before.

Pretty.

You see the way they're wrapped?
You look at these?

I've seen flowers.

My point is
I can't talk to him.

Ooh, there's a butcher shop.
I gotta run in there

and get some meat
for the barbecue later.

- You wanna come in with me?
- No no, go ahead.

- It's okay.
- I'll be right back and don't forget

- what we were talking about.
- Okay.

Here, guys.

Want it
with the foot, okay.

Oh, what, I'm in it?
There, there you go.

Wanna play
a little game, huh?

I'll pass it. There you go.
You guys are good at this.

I don't play this, yeah.

Alessandro!

- Grazie, arrivederci, ciao.
- Okay.

- Ciao.
- Hey, ciao.

Yeah.

- Hey... pizza.
- Yes, pizza.

Okay, gimme one.
Can I get one?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, thank you.

- Wow.
- It's okay?

Yeah yeah,
I had a cold,

but it's gone now.

This is awesome.

- Hmm?
- Awesome.

Awesome,
you know "awesome"?

- Magnifico.
- Grazie.

Prego.

This is like the best pizza
I ever had, man.

- You like more?
- Hell, yes, I want more.

- You made this?
- I make, yes.

So you're
like a genius then.

- Mmm!
- All done.

I've got some chops
for later. What...

- you're having pizza now?
- Yeah, uh-huh.

Will you be able
to eat your lunch?

- Yeah, sure. You want a bite?
- No no no.

- Good.
- Come on, come on.

Let's go up this way.

I forgot what I was saying.

How you can't talk
to anyone but me.

Oh, yes, right.

Because I mean nobody
values communicating anymore.

To me, that's the most
important thing.

- Don't you agree with me?
- Mm-hmm, absolutely.

Oh, Raymond,
this is so nice.

Did I tell you the other thing
your father did?

No, go ahead.

Well, I had forbid him
to use my cutting board.

- Hello, dear.
- Hey, Marie.

Have you seen Raymond?
Where is he?

Don't know
and don't care.

He's been a drip
this entire vacation.

I've decided I'm not gonna
let him ruin it for me.

I had a lovely walk
with him this morning.

It's so nice
that you two have each other.

Stupid, stinkin' hump.

Stupid, stinckin' hump.

I got a million of 'em.

Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.

Signore Fogagnolo.

Come va?

Don't see my daughter
no more.

Oh.

You know, sir,

if I may,

here let's...
let's sit down.

Please please, come here.
Can we sit down?

Per favore.

Let's sit. Grazie.
Mille grazie.

Signore Fogagnolo...

I'm going to speak Italian.

I understand how you feel.

A daughter such as yours

is a precious thing.

But I want you to know

that I am an honorable person.

And that I come from
an honorable family.

Ah, your mother's ass!

Let me explain.

I think your Stefania
is wonderful.

I am quite fond of her.

She is very special.

I don't like you.

- Hi, Daddy.
- Ciao. Hello, everybody.

Beautiful day, huh?

Oh, look what I have.

Signora bellissima.

For you.
You can have those.

Here. You can have
one of those.

Beautiful.
See how they wrap 'em?

Mom...
and Aunt Colletta.

- For you.
- What are you doing?

Oh, you look good.
Come here, I want to talk to you.

Come here, come here,
come here, come here.

Listen...

Um, I know you wanted
to talk to me before,

- and I know what you were gonna say.
- No, you don't.

Well, whatever you were
gonna say, you were right.

I was wrong and you were right,
and I'm not just saying that

so we don't have to talk
about it anymore, like at home.

Just there's something
about this place. Do you get that?

There's like
a feeling here.

I don't know
how to describe it,

but it's more simple.

The way the whole place shuts
down in the middle of the day,

so the people can just,
you know, enjoy the day.

It's like they know
how to live here.

Don't you think? Don't you think
it's kind of beautiful here?

- Yes.
- Okay.

So we agree...
and the history.

I was thinking,
thousands of years here.

We got no history
at home.

Everything was built
last week.

Where have you been?

I had a bike ride.

No, not today.
I mean this whole trip.

Okay, so what do you
want me to say?

Your hair does
look nice, though.

So now you're
being romantic.

Look, I don't know what I'm being,
but we got a couple of days left.

You wanna enjoy it
or you wanna mope around?

Okay, I think
that's everything.

Oh, God.

Would you look at this?

- What are you rebelling against?
- What do you got?

- Yeah. You see? They rode one.
- Yeah.

That was fun.

Yeah, I gotta
get one of these.

All right, fun's over here.
Time to go home.

Thanks for everything
there, Giorgio.

My tires are shot.

Arrivederci, Colletta.

Marie.

Thank you so much.
Am I still a baby?

Yes.

Bye-bye.

Listen, anytime you want to come
to America and give me a shower,

it's fine with me.

Giorgio, I'll see you, okay?

Bravo bravo.

What's wrong?

No, nothing.
It's... it's just...

I was just starting
to understand it here...

and it's over already.

That's what my Dario said.

And then he died.

Live your life!

Si si.

Hey, where's Robert?

Oh, Roberto.

Oh boy, Stefania.

Must you be leaving
so soon?

Yes yes, I must.

- I will miss you.
- Me too.

Maybe you can come
and visit me in America sometime.

Bring your father
along for laughs.

Here, for you.

Oh, you don't
have to pay me.

You throw a coin
in the water.

It means someday you
return to II Lago di Bracciano.

You like that?

Would I like that?

My credit cards,
travelers' checks.

Roberto.

Okay, all right,
everybody, I'm sorry.

Mille grazie.

Mille grazie, eh?

- Okay, ciao, thank you.
- Ciao ciao ciao.

Hey, did you say goodbye
to "Gelato" Lollobrigida?

- All right, Dad.
- Grazie.

We love you!

See you soon!
Come to America!

Grazie.

Grazie.

Sir, could you
please keep it down?

Some of the other passengers
are starting to complain.

Oh oh, sorry.