Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 4, Episode 2 - The Can Opener - full transcript
Ray and Debra have a fight over a can opener.
-Morning, Deb. Here's your paper.
- Thanks, Robert.
I stopped by Mom and Dad's
for some coffee,
but I couldn't take
all the...
Mom and Dad.
Here.
You can have Ray's.
Oh, thanks.
There's a vibe over there
that gives me--
I can't describe it.
Searing
abdominal cramps.
Why do you keep
going over there?
Good coffee.
How's this, huh?
Well, when you--
when you factor
in the vibe here,
the whole package
is good.
- Hey, Ray.
- Robert.
Out of milk.
- You did that on purpose.
- You wanted milk.
I've got to buy myself
a coffee-maker.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Raymond,
look at you.
- What?
- You've got milk spots.
How can you tell it's milk
from over there?
It's what I do.
What did the children
get you?
No.
Debra.
Well, of course.
If you don't know your way
around a kitchen
these things are
bound to happen.
Go sit down.
Eat.
- There you go.
- You don't clean up my spots.
Your spots?
I could squeeze out
your shirt and make soup.
You're gonna have
to give me the shirt.
No no, I have to go to work, Ma.
It's all right.
I don't know how Debra
can let you go to work like that.
- She doesn't care.
- What's that, dear?
No, nothing nothing.
What?
You can talk to me.
I'm your mother.
Please, talk to me.
Nothing nothing.
It's just...
What? What?
Can't you read
the signs?
Nothing. It's just...
He's married.
Ohh.
What did she do?
So, trouble
in paradise?
Oh, no, it's just that-- why would you
wanna hear me complain about Ray?
Perhaps we haven't met.
I'm Robert Barone.
Nothing.
She just--
she went all nuts
over a can opener.
- Can opener?
- Oh, poor Raymond.
Nothing good
comes from a can.
Go on.
Go ahead. Tell me.
Nothing.
I don't know
what I did wrong.
I mean, I come home
in a good mood like usual.
Well,
of course, dear.
You were always
a happy child.
Yeah.
I know.
And anyway, I'm walking in...
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hey, everybody!
- Hi, Daddy.
Hi!
How was your day?
Everything's fine.
Great.
What's for dinner?
I haven't made you
anything yet, Ray.
- Can you wait?!
- Fine.
I'll make
my own dinner.
Mmm, tuna fish.
Where is that
can opener?
It's in the drawer.
What?
The can opener is in
the utensil drawer!
Righty-o!
Ahh.
Yeah, I bought
a new one.
Oh, did we need
a new can opener?
It's better!
Okay?
It cuts from the side
so there's
no sharp edges.
How does
this thing work?
You put it on the can.
You twist the thing.
You open the can.
Great!
A better
can opener!
What is so funny?!
Whoa-- whoa!
Would you look
at this?
Oh-- use a fork.
- God.
- Hm?
Oh!
Was there something wrong
with the other can opener?
There's nothing wrong
with this can opener.
No, nothing's
wrong, honey.
I mean, I would have
preferred the tuna on bread,
but, you know,
it's just as delicious
right out of the sink!
This is the can opener
I bought, okay, Ray?
Because it's better,
it's not stupid,
and I'm not stupid!
What'd I say?
And I'm notexaggerating.
It's just that sometimes
he's such a jerk!
Given.
Details?
Last night, okay?
The kids are a mess.
I'm trying to hold
everything together.
You're the glue, Debra.
Everyone knows that.
Anyway,
he comes home...
We don't want ice cream!
Oh, please.
- Come on, you--
- I'm gonna run away.
No, don't run away.
Oh, Mommy would miss
you so much.
Yes, she would.
Come on, sit sit sit.
Let's eat.
- Hey, Daddy's home! Hi, Ray.
- Yeah.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Daddy.
- How was your day?
- Oh, gosh. Actually--
Great.
What's for dinner?
Um, I haven't had time
to make you anything yet, Ray.
- If you could just wait.
- Fine.
I'll make
my own dinner...
again.
Mmm, tuna fish.
Son of a--
where's the can opener?
- Uh, it's in the drawer.
- What?
The can opener's
in the utensil drawer.
Right.
Here. see?
- I bought a new one.
- Did we need a new can opener?
It's better.
It cuts the can from the side
so there's
no sharp edges.
- How does this thing work?
- Look.
See? You just
put it on the can.
You twist the thing,
and it opens the can.
Mm.
Great.
A better can opener.
- What's so funny?
- Nothing!
Oh, great.
Would you look at this?!
Oh my God.
Tuna juice!
Oh my God!
Here.
Sweetie, use a fork.
Was there something wrong
with the old can opener?!
Well, there's nothing
wrong with this can opener.
No, nothing's wrong, honey.
I would have preferred
the tuna on bread
but it's just as delicious
right out of the sink!
This is the can opener
I bought because it was better.
I mean it's
not stupid.
And-- and I'm
not... stupid.
What'd I say?!
That bastard.
I don't know. One little comment
about a can opener
and she freaks out.
Like the time
I bet the kids
they couldn't hit
the ceiling fan with a plum.
Ray, I am gonna give you
the secret to marital bliss.
After you give it
to him,
why don't you
let me in on it?
You see, son, when your mother
got pregnant with Robert,
the hormones turned her
into a nutcase.
She'd cry for no reason.
Two seconds later,
she'd want to cuddle.
She was like demented.
- That's not true.
- Sure it was.
You were always
grabbing at me.
I was pregnant
with a 14 lb. baby.
I needed help
getting up.
Nonetheless.
Did it bother me?
No.
Because you cannot
get upset with a crazy person.
I decided from that day
on to never waste time
trying to understand
your mother.
I just accept
she's insane.
I must be.
You two are crazy in love.
That's what it is.
Oh no, Raymond,
don't go.
We were having such
a nice talk about Debra.
I love that
kind of talk.
Yeah, I know
you do, Ma.
Just keep telling yourself
she's nuts. Saves time.
I'm not one
to choose sides,
but this looks like
an excellent can opener.
Oh boy.
I think I need
some Pepto.
- May l?
- Sure, go ahead.
- What are you doing?
- Changing my shirt.
Sorry I spilled milk
on your shirt.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm sorry about the--
you know.
It's okay.
Forget it.
Okay.
All right, so...
I'll see you.
See you later.
Aren't you gonna
kiss me goodbye?
Oh, yeah.
You know, Ray, I just want you
to really understand
why I was upset
about the can opener last night.
No, I understand.
I know why.
I do. Okay.
So I'll see you later.
I mean, you
really know why?
Sure sure I know.
I... totally know.
Okay.
Thanks.
Okay, good.
So should I bring home
- a pizza tonight or something?
- Yeah, sure.
- That'd be great.
- Okay, good.
- I'll see you later.
- Okay.
- Hello, dears.
- Hi, Ma.
- Bye, Ma.
- Raymond, I'm glad you're still here.
I have something
that might fix everything.
- What do you mean?
- Everything's fine, Ma.
What is it,
Marie?
- What is it?
- It's just one of my old ones.
It's the kind
that actually works.
- Ray?
- Oh.
It's all right, dear.
We all make mistakes.
- What is this?
- Don't be upset, dear.
It's only
a can opener.
So I'm thinking
maybe you didn't
really understand
- why I was upset.
- I got nothing to do with this.
I don't know why
she brought that thing over here.
I don't know.
What did you do, Ray?
Run across the street
and tell your mom what a horrible
woman you're married to?
Raymond never said
horrible.
Would you stop?!
Marie, sun's up,
plate's empty.
Where are my eggs?
Frank.
Oh yeah,
the can opener.
It's not your
fault, Debra.
I understand
hormones.
What the hell
did you tell them?
Hormones
was his theory.
It did sound like your
reaction to the can opener
was a little
dramatic.
Whoooo.
Frank, I can see
and hear you.
Look, you were completely
out of line last night.
- I got to get to work.
- How dare you?!
Not only were you completely wrong,
but you made me out to be the crazy one!
Hey, Deb, I finished
the Pepto. Did--
Is this about me?
No, dear,
it's nothing.
All I did was bring Debra
my old can opener.
Ray, just use the new one.
Stop being a jerk.
Jerk?
- What do you know about it?
- He doesn't know anything.
No, you stick to your
guns, Deb, okay?
Raymond's a jerk.
I know the whole
story, jerk.
One little drop
of fish juice
and you squeal
like a stuck pig.
You told him
that, huh?
I did not do that! And by the way,
the whole can dumped on me.
It was one drop,
you baby.
One drop? It was like I stuck
my arm up a tuna.
- Jerk baby!
- Just shut up, huh?
- What'd you tell him?!
- I told him the truth.
That you come home all--
"What's for dinner?
Oh, a can?
How... make...
tuna... out?"
Yeah,
that's me, huh?
Well, this is you.
This is you!
Me-me-me-me-me-
me-me-me-me-me-
me-me-me-me-me-
me-me-me-me-me-me!
Wait a minute.
That sounds like Marie.
Yeah, that's
really great, Ray.
Coming home and giving me crap
about a can opener.
I didn't give you crap
and it's a stupid can opener!
It's not stupid!
It gets rid of sharp edges!
- And the tuna!
- All right, hold it.
Hey!
Hey!
Now you listen to me.
We happen to have
an opportunity here
for some real personal growth
through active dialogue.
Stop it, Dad!
Now the two of you
have to just come out
and say what's really
bothering you underneath
and get it out in the open
and deal with it.
Because if there is one thing
that I have learned
in my years of experience
with domestic disputes, it is this--
it's never just about
the can opener.
Yeah, sometimes
it's about a jar of fat.
How could you
mention that?
I'll mention it.
You went nuts
over nothing.
I had every right to go nuts
with you for a husband.
Don't go nuts,
just go.
- Ohh!
- All right. Wait wait wait.
Wait.
What jar of fat?
I'll tell you
what jar of fat.
It was beautiful.
It was fat
from pancetta
and golden brown
sausage.
You'd have to be
a cook to understand.
But it was months
of carefully selecting
only the best drippings
to prepare meals
for ll Duce.
Yeah, you made all
those meals just for me
and then you
went out jogging.
That was my kitchen!
You had no right to go in
there and throw out my fat!
That jar was for my coins.
I needed that!
- You're selfish!
- Fat collector!
Oh, you never
appreciated me ever!
You never ever
appreciated me!
I would work my fingers
to the bone all day with the kids
with the cooking
and the cleaning and the laundry,
and then you'd waltz in
with your list of demands
- and not even a thank you.
- That's right.
Debra understands.
You wanted a thank you?
Where was my thank you?!
I waltzed in, huh?!
I dragged my ass home
every day
after 10 hours
stuck in a suit,
stuck in an office,
stuck in a car.
And if I needed coins
to pay the tolls
that got me to that job,
that paid for that meat,
that made that fat,
then I'll dump it out whenever I want
and I don't care
what you say!
That's right.
You don't care.
You have never cared
about how hard I work
just to serve you.
Hey, I don't have to care.
That's your job!
Whoa.
On the other hand,
sometimes it can be
about the can opener.
That's what
I was gonna say.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, me too.
Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, me too. Sorry.
That's it?
"Sorry"?
That's all you got?
At least when we fight,
stuff comes out.
Some of it will be coming out
when we get home.
- Let's go.
- Coming.
So that's
my job, Frank?
Yeah.
I didn't say
you were bad at it.
Thank you.
- I'm still mad at you.
- Well that's all right.
At least it's not
about a can opener.
A can opener.
Good luck, Ray!
I can still
see you, Frank.
You know what's great
about after an argument?
It's the way
we make up.
Can I ask you
something, Ray?
You don't think it's my job
just to cook and clean for you, do you?
You don't understand.
We already had the argument.
- This is the making up part.
- No no.
It's just what your father
said to your mother,
that's what was bothering me
about that whole can opener thing.
I just feel with everything
I have to do around here,
sometimes you kind of
take me for granted.
I don't.
I appreciate everything
that you do.
I do. I just hope
that you don't take me for granted.
What do you mean?
- Eh, it's nothing.
- No, really, I want to know.
Well, it's just...
Iike sometimes I feel
when I come to bed
that I'm just somebody
who's here to lay next to you.
You know?
- And that's all.
- Yeah, all right. All right, Ray.
No, 'cause I need
to feel like I'm more than that.
- You should stop talking.
- Okay.
I mean, it's just nice
to be acknowledged.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's get this over with.
- Thanks, Robert.
I stopped by Mom and Dad's
for some coffee,
but I couldn't take
all the...
Mom and Dad.
Here.
You can have Ray's.
Oh, thanks.
There's a vibe over there
that gives me--
I can't describe it.
Searing
abdominal cramps.
Why do you keep
going over there?
Good coffee.
How's this, huh?
Well, when you--
when you factor
in the vibe here,
the whole package
is good.
- Hey, Ray.
- Robert.
Out of milk.
- You did that on purpose.
- You wanted milk.
I've got to buy myself
a coffee-maker.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Raymond,
look at you.
- What?
- You've got milk spots.
How can you tell it's milk
from over there?
It's what I do.
What did the children
get you?
No.
Debra.
Well, of course.
If you don't know your way
around a kitchen
these things are
bound to happen.
Go sit down.
Eat.
- There you go.
- You don't clean up my spots.
Your spots?
I could squeeze out
your shirt and make soup.
You're gonna have
to give me the shirt.
No no, I have to go to work, Ma.
It's all right.
I don't know how Debra
can let you go to work like that.
- She doesn't care.
- What's that, dear?
No, nothing nothing.
What?
You can talk to me.
I'm your mother.
Please, talk to me.
Nothing nothing.
It's just...
What? What?
Can't you read
the signs?
Nothing. It's just...
He's married.
Ohh.
What did she do?
So, trouble
in paradise?
Oh, no, it's just that-- why would you
wanna hear me complain about Ray?
Perhaps we haven't met.
I'm Robert Barone.
Nothing.
She just--
she went all nuts
over a can opener.
- Can opener?
- Oh, poor Raymond.
Nothing good
comes from a can.
Go on.
Go ahead. Tell me.
Nothing.
I don't know
what I did wrong.
I mean, I come home
in a good mood like usual.
Well,
of course, dear.
You were always
a happy child.
Yeah.
I know.
And anyway, I'm walking in...
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hey, everybody!
- Hi, Daddy.
Hi!
How was your day?
Everything's fine.
Great.
What's for dinner?
I haven't made you
anything yet, Ray.
- Can you wait?!
- Fine.
I'll make
my own dinner.
Mmm, tuna fish.
Where is that
can opener?
It's in the drawer.
What?
The can opener is in
the utensil drawer!
Righty-o!
Ahh.
Yeah, I bought
a new one.
Oh, did we need
a new can opener?
It's better!
Okay?
It cuts from the side
so there's
no sharp edges.
How does
this thing work?
You put it on the can.
You twist the thing.
You open the can.
Great!
A better
can opener!
What is so funny?!
Whoa-- whoa!
Would you look
at this?
Oh-- use a fork.
- God.
- Hm?
Oh!
Was there something wrong
with the other can opener?
There's nothing wrong
with this can opener.
No, nothing's
wrong, honey.
I mean, I would have
preferred the tuna on bread,
but, you know,
it's just as delicious
right out of the sink!
This is the can opener
I bought, okay, Ray?
Because it's better,
it's not stupid,
and I'm not stupid!
What'd I say?
And I'm notexaggerating.
It's just that sometimes
he's such a jerk!
Given.
Details?
Last night, okay?
The kids are a mess.
I'm trying to hold
everything together.
You're the glue, Debra.
Everyone knows that.
Anyway,
he comes home...
We don't want ice cream!
Oh, please.
- Come on, you--
- I'm gonna run away.
No, don't run away.
Oh, Mommy would miss
you so much.
Yes, she would.
Come on, sit sit sit.
Let's eat.
- Hey, Daddy's home! Hi, Ray.
- Yeah.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Daddy.
- How was your day?
- Oh, gosh. Actually--
Great.
What's for dinner?
Um, I haven't had time
to make you anything yet, Ray.
- If you could just wait.
- Fine.
I'll make
my own dinner...
again.
Mmm, tuna fish.
Son of a--
where's the can opener?
- Uh, it's in the drawer.
- What?
The can opener's
in the utensil drawer.
Right.
Here. see?
- I bought a new one.
- Did we need a new can opener?
It's better.
It cuts the can from the side
so there's
no sharp edges.
- How does this thing work?
- Look.
See? You just
put it on the can.
You twist the thing,
and it opens the can.
Mm.
Great.
A better can opener.
- What's so funny?
- Nothing!
Oh, great.
Would you look at this?!
Oh my God.
Tuna juice!
Oh my God!
Here.
Sweetie, use a fork.
Was there something wrong
with the old can opener?!
Well, there's nothing
wrong with this can opener.
No, nothing's wrong, honey.
I would have preferred
the tuna on bread
but it's just as delicious
right out of the sink!
This is the can opener
I bought because it was better.
I mean it's
not stupid.
And-- and I'm
not... stupid.
What'd I say?!
That bastard.
I don't know. One little comment
about a can opener
and she freaks out.
Like the time
I bet the kids
they couldn't hit
the ceiling fan with a plum.
Ray, I am gonna give you
the secret to marital bliss.
After you give it
to him,
why don't you
let me in on it?
You see, son, when your mother
got pregnant with Robert,
the hormones turned her
into a nutcase.
She'd cry for no reason.
Two seconds later,
she'd want to cuddle.
She was like demented.
- That's not true.
- Sure it was.
You were always
grabbing at me.
I was pregnant
with a 14 lb. baby.
I needed help
getting up.
Nonetheless.
Did it bother me?
No.
Because you cannot
get upset with a crazy person.
I decided from that day
on to never waste time
trying to understand
your mother.
I just accept
she's insane.
I must be.
You two are crazy in love.
That's what it is.
Oh no, Raymond,
don't go.
We were having such
a nice talk about Debra.
I love that
kind of talk.
Yeah, I know
you do, Ma.
Just keep telling yourself
she's nuts. Saves time.
I'm not one
to choose sides,
but this looks like
an excellent can opener.
Oh boy.
I think I need
some Pepto.
- May l?
- Sure, go ahead.
- What are you doing?
- Changing my shirt.
Sorry I spilled milk
on your shirt.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm sorry about the--
you know.
It's okay.
Forget it.
Okay.
All right, so...
I'll see you.
See you later.
Aren't you gonna
kiss me goodbye?
Oh, yeah.
You know, Ray, I just want you
to really understand
why I was upset
about the can opener last night.
No, I understand.
I know why.
I do. Okay.
So I'll see you later.
I mean, you
really know why?
Sure sure I know.
I... totally know.
Okay.
Thanks.
Okay, good.
So should I bring home
- a pizza tonight or something?
- Yeah, sure.
- That'd be great.
- Okay, good.
- I'll see you later.
- Okay.
- Hello, dears.
- Hi, Ma.
- Bye, Ma.
- Raymond, I'm glad you're still here.
I have something
that might fix everything.
- What do you mean?
- Everything's fine, Ma.
What is it,
Marie?
- What is it?
- It's just one of my old ones.
It's the kind
that actually works.
- Ray?
- Oh.
It's all right, dear.
We all make mistakes.
- What is this?
- Don't be upset, dear.
It's only
a can opener.
So I'm thinking
maybe you didn't
really understand
- why I was upset.
- I got nothing to do with this.
I don't know why
she brought that thing over here.
I don't know.
What did you do, Ray?
Run across the street
and tell your mom what a horrible
woman you're married to?
Raymond never said
horrible.
Would you stop?!
Marie, sun's up,
plate's empty.
Where are my eggs?
Frank.
Oh yeah,
the can opener.
It's not your
fault, Debra.
I understand
hormones.
What the hell
did you tell them?
Hormones
was his theory.
It did sound like your
reaction to the can opener
was a little
dramatic.
Whoooo.
Frank, I can see
and hear you.
Look, you were completely
out of line last night.
- I got to get to work.
- How dare you?!
Not only were you completely wrong,
but you made me out to be the crazy one!
Hey, Deb, I finished
the Pepto. Did--
Is this about me?
No, dear,
it's nothing.
All I did was bring Debra
my old can opener.
Ray, just use the new one.
Stop being a jerk.
Jerk?
- What do you know about it?
- He doesn't know anything.
No, you stick to your
guns, Deb, okay?
Raymond's a jerk.
I know the whole
story, jerk.
One little drop
of fish juice
and you squeal
like a stuck pig.
You told him
that, huh?
I did not do that! And by the way,
the whole can dumped on me.
It was one drop,
you baby.
One drop? It was like I stuck
my arm up a tuna.
- Jerk baby!
- Just shut up, huh?
- What'd you tell him?!
- I told him the truth.
That you come home all--
"What's for dinner?
Oh, a can?
How... make...
tuna... out?"
Yeah,
that's me, huh?
Well, this is you.
This is you!
Me-me-me-me-me-
me-me-me-me-me-
me-me-me-me-me-
me-me-me-me-me-me!
Wait a minute.
That sounds like Marie.
Yeah, that's
really great, Ray.
Coming home and giving me crap
about a can opener.
I didn't give you crap
and it's a stupid can opener!
It's not stupid!
It gets rid of sharp edges!
- And the tuna!
- All right, hold it.
Hey!
Hey!
Now you listen to me.
We happen to have
an opportunity here
for some real personal growth
through active dialogue.
Stop it, Dad!
Now the two of you
have to just come out
and say what's really
bothering you underneath
and get it out in the open
and deal with it.
Because if there is one thing
that I have learned
in my years of experience
with domestic disputes, it is this--
it's never just about
the can opener.
Yeah, sometimes
it's about a jar of fat.
How could you
mention that?
I'll mention it.
You went nuts
over nothing.
I had every right to go nuts
with you for a husband.
Don't go nuts,
just go.
- Ohh!
- All right. Wait wait wait.
Wait.
What jar of fat?
I'll tell you
what jar of fat.
It was beautiful.
It was fat
from pancetta
and golden brown
sausage.
You'd have to be
a cook to understand.
But it was months
of carefully selecting
only the best drippings
to prepare meals
for ll Duce.
Yeah, you made all
those meals just for me
and then you
went out jogging.
That was my kitchen!
You had no right to go in
there and throw out my fat!
That jar was for my coins.
I needed that!
- You're selfish!
- Fat collector!
Oh, you never
appreciated me ever!
You never ever
appreciated me!
I would work my fingers
to the bone all day with the kids
with the cooking
and the cleaning and the laundry,
and then you'd waltz in
with your list of demands
- and not even a thank you.
- That's right.
Debra understands.
You wanted a thank you?
Where was my thank you?!
I waltzed in, huh?!
I dragged my ass home
every day
after 10 hours
stuck in a suit,
stuck in an office,
stuck in a car.
And if I needed coins
to pay the tolls
that got me to that job,
that paid for that meat,
that made that fat,
then I'll dump it out whenever I want
and I don't care
what you say!
That's right.
You don't care.
You have never cared
about how hard I work
just to serve you.
Hey, I don't have to care.
That's your job!
Whoa.
On the other hand,
sometimes it can be
about the can opener.
That's what
I was gonna say.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, me too.
Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, me too. Sorry.
That's it?
"Sorry"?
That's all you got?
At least when we fight,
stuff comes out.
Some of it will be coming out
when we get home.
- Let's go.
- Coming.
So that's
my job, Frank?
Yeah.
I didn't say
you were bad at it.
Thank you.
- I'm still mad at you.
- Well that's all right.
At least it's not
about a can opener.
A can opener.
Good luck, Ray!
I can still
see you, Frank.
You know what's great
about after an argument?
It's the way
we make up.
Can I ask you
something, Ray?
You don't think it's my job
just to cook and clean for you, do you?
You don't understand.
We already had the argument.
- This is the making up part.
- No no.
It's just what your father
said to your mother,
that's what was bothering me
about that whole can opener thing.
I just feel with everything
I have to do around here,
sometimes you kind of
take me for granted.
I don't.
I appreciate everything
that you do.
I do. I just hope
that you don't take me for granted.
What do you mean?
- Eh, it's nothing.
- No, really, I want to know.
Well, it's just...
Iike sometimes I feel
when I come to bed
that I'm just somebody
who's here to lay next to you.
You know?
- And that's all.
- Yeah, all right. All right, Ray.
No, 'cause I need
to feel like I'm more than that.
- You should stop talking.
- Okay.
I mean, it's just nice
to be acknowledged.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's get this over with.