Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 4, Episode 19 - Marie and Frank's New Friends - full transcript

-Hey hey, it's the monkeys!
- Hi, Daddy.

Yay, Daddy's home!
How was Chicago?

What are you saying,
I'm cheating on you? Is that it?

She means nothing!

I missed you.
I miss all that fun stuff.

Daddy, what did you
bring us?

I bring you? Um...

well, let's see,
got something.

I brought you
something.

Okay, for Michael--

some lovely
apricot shampoo.



Ahh.

For Geoffrey-

conditioner!

Mmm.

All imported

from the enchanted isle
of Marriott.

You having trouble getting
your shoes on, Ally?

Not anymore!

Ray.

Don't worry, I didn't
forget you, my darling.

For Mommy, something
as sweet as she is--

some fine candies.

Aw, the mints
from your pillow.

Yeah. As part of the hotel's
turn-down service.



Well, tonight you're gonna
get my turn-down service.

Well, I guess
Mommy doesn't want

peanuts from the sky.

Hi, everybody!

- Oh, there you are!
- What took you so long?

Yeah, you're just coming
from across the street.

Yeah, well,
I got confused

and went to where
I wished you lived.

All right, they're here.
Let's do this.

Wait wait, what about
the other guests?

What other guests?
Everyone's here.

- Do you have the mortgage?
- Yeah, here we go.

I've been waiting
30 years to do this.

- There you go.
- There we go.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

- Yeah.
- Yay.

The house is now
paid off.

Here's to the wonderful
people

at Lynbrook Mortgage.
Thanks for the calendars,

and you can all kiss
my great American ass.

Grandpa, Grandpa.

Oh, oh, sorry, kids.
Don't say ass.

Hey, that was fun.

- Yeah!
- Let's have a real party.

Marie, go get
our marriage license.

You know, now that
the place is all ours,

I can't wait
to redecorate

and get rid of some
of that old stuff.

So long, Frank.

All right,
could we eat, please?

- Come on, kids.
- Ma, Dad, congratulations.

The house becomes
part of your estate

which in the old country
would be

passed down
to the firstborn son.

In the old country,
you'd be working in the circus.

Monkey suit's
coming off.

So, Marie,
what happened?

I thought you were gonna have
a big party to celebrate.

It is a party.
I made bruschetta.

Oh, I thought
when you said

you were having a party
that would include--

I don't know--
some friends.

Oh, who has time for friends?
Have a deviled egg, dear.

What do you mean,
you don't have time for friends?

Well, after you and
Raymond moved in,

I mean, someone had to help you
raise a family,

so we just had
to give up some things.

Your social life?

We still have
a social life.

Ma, Robert's eating
all the deviled eggs,

won't give me any.

They don't feed us enough
in the circus.

Hey, did my father give Geoffrey
some wine today?

No, why?

'Cause I was putting him
to bed, and he said,

"l love you, man."

Perhaps you would like
some wine.

Hey, listen,

you know what your mom
told me at that party?

They don't have
any friends.

You sound surprised.

Well, it's kind of sad.
It's kind of sad.

Well, it's not sad
for the people

who would have to be
their friends.

Except we have to be
their friends.

- That is a little sad.
- Yeah.

Look, we're their
whole lives!

It occurred to me
that if they had more friends,

we'd have less them.

Have you worked out
a budget for this?

All right, breakitup.

Oh, what do you want?
We just saw you.

We just brought you
some leftovers.

They don't qualify.
as leftovers

if they're still warm.

Let's watch some highlights.

Frank, you already
watched this game.

So I know how good
the highlights will be.

Let's not ruin these
by talking.

Ahem, so,

gosh, Marie,
it must feel so liberating

- to own the house now, huh?
- Yeah.

Think of all the things
you can do now,

Iike, gosh, you could
entertain more.

We just had a party.

What are we,
Studio 54?

No, really, you deserve
your own social life.

Especially now that all your house
obligations are over,

and we seem
to be managing.

Now might be
the perfect time

for you to say,
"Hi, neighbor!"

I got all the friends
I need right here.

You see, Debra?
I would love to start

entertaining again,
but if we have guests,

what am I supposed
to do with this?

Tell them
that you lost a bet,

and you've got to clean and feed him
for another year.

Come on.
We all know

that Frank can be
a lot of fun.

Hey, you know who else
is a lot of fun?

- The Mauers next door.
- I like the Mauers.

No can do.

- Why not?
- Because I may or may not

recently have flipped
one of them the bird.

What?
He was trying

to put a piece of garbage
in our garbage can.

That's no reason
to flip them a bird.

Hey, I can't have
the garbage man thinking

I dye my hair.

Oh,

so then all that
is natural?

Hey, you know
who's cool?

- The Stipes.
- Yes, the Stipes!

- Who?
- You remember--

those old--
nice people

that Robert lived with
first time he moved out.

If they're still alive,
they're very friendly.

I ran into the husband
in the hardware store.

- He's actually not a jerk.
- See? It sounds like you guys

- would have a blast together!
- You probably would.

But what are we supposed
to do with these Stipes?

I don't know,
you could

invite them over
for dinner or drinks.

You could play
"Guess What I Forgot."

What about
a board game?

Yes, yes, a board game.
Great idea.

That's a good
idea, Debra.

Frank, we're having
company.

They better like
swearing.

What should we do?
Should we call them?

Only as soon as possible.

You know who has
their number?

Robert, who lives
in your house right now.

Oh, I have so many
menu ideas!

Yeah, we're all very excited.
Out of the chair, Dad.

- Hey.
- Come on.

- I just wanna watch--
- Well, go outside.

Mom's outside. You're gonna go play
with your new friends!

Here he comes.
There you go.

Yeah.

I know that dance.

That's the l-wanna-
have-sex-with-Ray dance.

And here's my

if-you-insist dance.

What are you--
don't laugh.

Mmm.

This is fun.
This is like a date.

Yeah, except on a date
you never got to level two.

Hey, come on.

- Come on. Come on.
- Mmm.

- Okay.
- Hi, dears.

Come on, move over

You remember the Stipes.

See, Harry, I told you
he was home!

How may we help you?

Harry is a big fan
of your column,

and he wouldn't let up
until we swung by to say hello.

Hello!

It's so nice to see you.
Thanks for dropping by.

Hey, Ray, I told Harry
you would let him see

tomorrow's column today.

You know what
I would really like?

If you told me
tomorrow's scores.

Then I could make
some bets!

Ma, what are you doing?
Why did you bring them here?

Well, they wanted
to see you.

Yeah, but Debra and l,
we were... happy.

- Just five minutes.
- No, Ma, no no.

Why are you making
such a big fuss over it?

Our friends wanted
to see you.

I want them to see you.

All right, okay.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry people
like you so much.

I'm sorry
that I'm proud of you.

I'm sorry that I raised you
to be a nice boy.

- Five minutes.
- Okay okay.

I'll tell you, Ray,

you've got the life.

Sports writer.

You get to go
to different places,

meet famous athletes.

Well, yeah,
there could be worse jobs.

- Hey, Ray.
- Yeah.

Hey, tell him whom you met
the other day.

Come on, Dad.

No no, come on,
tell him, it's funny!

Nothing. Evander Holyfield
sat next to me.

- Holy--
- Evander Holyfield!

- My boy and Evander Holyfield!
- Oh my God!

- He's a boxer.
- Oh.

Try to keep up.

So, what happened?

You know, I just--
I said,

"Hey, how are you doing?"

He said, "Great."
He's a good guy. He's a good guy.

- You talked to him?!
- Yeah, sure sure.

You know, like, "Good fight, huh?"
That kind of thing.

- Yeah.
- Yeah yeah.

Wow, that's a terrific story!

- Okay, so--
- Hey, Dad,

how about the time I took you
to the All-Star Game?

Yeah, press box!

Oh, you lucky bastard!

Our son
would love this!

He's a regular
sports nut.

Listen listen, so I'm coming back
from the bathroom,

and I see my father
standing there,

and I don't know
what I'm thinking,

but I sneak up behind him,
and I kinda goose him a little.

He turns around--

I goosed Joe Garagiola!

Of course, from behind,

I look
like Joe Garagiola!

- Ray.
- Yeah yeah. He's a good guy, too.

Joe's a good guy.

Oh, isn't this fun?
I'm so glad you came over.

- Oh, we are, too.
- Yeah, us too, us too.

Oh, Chinese here!
What do we got?

Hey, Deb,
get some forks!

You know what would be nice?
Some tea.

- I'll make some tea.
- I wouldn't mind some tea.

Hey, you know who used to like tea?
Joe DiMaggio.

- No!
- That's right, Mr. Coffee.

And you know who used
to like coffee?

Mr. T.

- Hey swizzle.
- Hey, don't get comfortable.

The Stipes are over
visiting your parents again.

We gotta get out of here
in case they decide to drop back over.

- What about the kids?
- Robert's babysitting.

Do we have to go?
I just got home,

I'm tired.
Can we just hide?

No no no,
don't unbutton your shirt.

Stop it,
stop it, stop it!

You don't know that they're definitely
gonna come over.

You'd probably love it
if they did.

You could do a revival of your
one-man show "My Fair Raymond."

Hey, I was trying
to help out.

That's why I got
stuck there.

- And where did you disappear to anyway?
- I was in bed!

It was midnight!
You don't even have an intermission!

What do you--
do you think I like that?

Come on!

Those stipes smell
like the attic.

Hey, where's the candy?
The kids want some candy.

The kids know
they're not supposed

- to have candy at night.
- Okay.

I want candy.

It's on top
of the fridge, Robert.

Come on, come on, button up,
we gotta get going!

- We'll call you from the restaurant.
- Hey, Ray,

how come you're not going over
to see your new best friends

the Stipes, huh?

Mom was just
going on and on

about how they loved
your stories.

- See, Ray?
- I was being polite!

You know they were
my friends first.

They would have loved
my stories, too.

I just happened to be in the sitz bath
when they came over.

All right.
Robert, we won't be late.

- Come on, we gotta go.
- I'm not hungry.

I had banana splits
at the office.

You get banana splits
at the office?

We'll just have
appetizers, all right?

What? What?

- There he is!
- Where have you been?

Don't get sucked in.
We're going out, you understand?

- Hi!
- There he is, the man of the hour!

Did you get a haircut?

No, I just
combed it today.

There he goes.

Raymond, I want you
to meet our son Seth.

- Ray Barone. Finally we meet.
- Hey, how are you doing?

- I'm a big fan of yours.
- Thank you.

We have very similar
writing styles.

- Seth's a sports writer too.
- Oh.

Well, mostly
in internet chat rooms,

and I call in
to all the sports radio shows,

You probably heard me--
Seth from Massapequa.

Oh, yeah.
Great, man,

that's great.
Good for you.

- Listen, we were on our way out, right?
- Yes.

Wait wait wait,
where are you going?

We're just going out to dinner.
You guys make yourselves at home.

Marie knows
where everything is.

She put it there.

I read your column today.
Great, just great.

Harry says you're better
than Lupica.

- Oh.
- Thank you, thank you.

- I love your baseball stuff.
- Thanks.

Except you could be a little more
objective about the Mets.

- What?
- Ray. Ray.

You seem to have
a real axe to grind there.

Well...

you understand that they pay me
to write my opinions,

not to be objective.

You know, I find

that in sports writing
if you pull your punches,

you're gonna end up
the one getting hit.

Oh.

Now that's a pro, son.

That's why you're still
on that internet.

Hey, I bow
to the master.

Okay.

Hey, Rita, Harry.
Sorry I missed you last night.

Hey, Rodney!
So--

Tell Seth that story
you were telling us

about the squirrel that ran up your leg
at the Kingdome.

Oh, that was so funny!

Oh, you told them
the squirrel story, huh, Ray?

Isn't that
Chuck Wilson's story?

It's not
Chuck Wilson's story.

- Yes, it is!
- It's not.

I'll tell you a story.

I was recently
gored by a bull...

which is about 2000 times
larger than a squirrel.

You see, they were having
an illegal rodeo--

Oh, here it is!

Raymond,
would you mind?

- You wanna take my picture?
- Yes.

- Okay, yeah.
- All right.

Here, Rodney,

would you mind getting
a picture of all of us?

Why would I mind?

Add a little insult
to my injury.

I wanna get in on this.
Come on, Frank.

I'm in, but I better
sit down,

unless you wanna get
a shot of my Garagiola.

This is phenomenal.
I'm posting this on my website.

- Hey, you got us in focus there?
- I sure do.

Everybody say, "Raymond."

Raymond!

Beautiful.

- Where's Deb?
- I heard the garage door.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, Raymond,

stay with us.

You can see her anytime.

Hey hey hey,
where are you going?

I'm going to eat.
I would ask you to come along

but I see you have a girlfriend,
and three boyfriends

- and another girlfriend.
- Look, it's okay.

They said I could see
other people.

- Okay, I'm sorry.
- You have a problem.

Give me your keys.
You can't drive in this condition.

Come on.
I don't have a problem.

This can't keep happening.
You have a sick connection

to your parents.
You understand? Sick!

All right.
We've already been over that.

You're worse now!
You don't get enough attention

from your parents, so you have to get
an extra set? You're sick!

Okay, I won't do it anymore.
I'm sorr--

Ah! What?

Let's go, we'll sneak out.
We'll go eat.

Hi, dears.

- Hi.
- What's going on?

No, nothing.

- Everything all right?
- Fine, yeah yeah.

Did you find that AAA booklet
you were looking for there, Debra?

You're sick!

All right,
keep looking.

Listen, I think
you and the Stipes

should go to your house,
maybe, for the rest of the night,

'cause Debra and l
made plans to go out and eat.

I know, I know, but couldn't you
just spend a few minutes with us?

You hardly talked
to Seth at all.

Ma, I don't even
know Seth, okay?

I don't even know the stipes.
The stipes are your friends.

Why don't you just go
and be with your friends?

Because we need you,
Raymond.

What do you mean,
you need me? Why?

Dad's in there.
He's funny.

No, he's not.

Could you come in
for just a few minutes?

No no no.

Ma, it's enough,
please, it's enough.

- Okay okay.
- Yeah.

It's fine.
I understand.

It's just that I like
to see you with them,

because I don't get to see
you like that anymore.

- Like what?
- Well,

when you come over
to the house now,

it's just to eat
or watch a game.

It's different
to see you

excited when
you're talking.

I like it.

Okay.

I guess we should all
go back inside.

Really? Yeah?

I guess it's okay.

Oh, you're such a good son.
Thank you, honey.

He's coming back!

Gotta give the people
what they want.

A common misconception is
that a bull will charge

when shown
the color red.

Actually, it's motion.

Ray. Thank God!

Here, have a seat.

No time for that, Harry.
We gotta go,

- we're gonna be late.
- Oh, yeah, you're right.

- Late for what?
- We're taking your parents

to the big
senior jamboree

at the VFW!

Wow, senior jamboree!

That's perfect!
That's perfect for you, Ma.

You'll have fun!
You go, you'll have fun. Go ahead.

You should go too, Ray.

- What?
- Yeah, you were just

telling your mom that you wanted
to spend more time with them.

Yeah, come on with us, Ray.

They're giving
free eye tests tonight!

No! No, I mean,

we wanted to go out
to eat, right?

But you gotta give
the people what they want.

Come on, Ray.
There will be refreshments.

- Come on, come on.
- How bad is this thing?

Sounds like a nightmare to me.
I'm not going!

Bye-bye.

I hope you like
dancing, Raymond!

- Chinese?
- Love it!