Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 4, Episode 17 - Hackidu - full transcript
Ray tries to learn about Ally's favorite card game.
Hey, how much longer
we gotta help out with this thing?
Ray, all the parents
have to do their time.
Come on, you don't see
Bill Parker complaining.
Oh, Bill Parker.
Mr. Look-At-Me-I'm-King-
of-the-Carnival.
Oh, come on.
He's doing it for the school.
He's a good father.
What, he's a better
father than me?
Is that what you're saying?
I'm not a good father?
Wanna be a good father?
Go help out in the childcare room.
I'll go.
They got a TV in there?
- Hey, Barone, what happened?
- Oh.
- What are you doing?
- Hey, Parker, I'm just doing this.
Hey hey, gimme that.
I can do that, thank you very much.
- You got it?
- Yes.
We're ready to finish the booth frames.
I could use some muscle.
Let's rock.
I'll be back to check on those,
and they better be spot-free, okay?
This isn't like home,
where I let that stuff slide.
Hey hey!
Come on! My ankles.
You wet my ankles.
What's wrong with you?
That's toxic, that stuff.
That sinks right through
the socks and into the skin.
I like to bust her chops,
keep her in line.
All right, Barone,
see if you can fasten it.
All right.
All right, Parker.
It's just fastening,
right?
Not like we're doing
rocket-- ah, oh!
Oh! Mother of ugly!
Again?
You okay there?
Yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Mammy!
Maybe you should do something
a little less... strenuous.
How about stenciling
with the ladies?
No no. I don't have to do stenciling.
I can do this.
The only reason I cut myself
is I'm used to working
- to working with the big tools.
- Right.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hey, Tyler.
- Look at all my new Hackidu cards.
Hackidu. You can't believe
how they love the Hackidu.
I can believe anything
you can, probably more.
We traded, Dad.
Let's see what
you have there, son.
Ooh, Venipod,
Rain Wiffle, E-Jazz.
Hey, let's see what-- yeow!
Let's see you got there.
Scrato-- Scrome--
- Scramisaur.
- Scramisaur. Let me see him.
Don't get blood on him.
Wait a minute.
Ally, you gave away
all your cards for just one card?
- Yeah.
- Now, Tyler,
that doesn't seem quite fair,
does it?
- It's okay.
- No no, Ally, Mr. Parker's right.
You gave away
all your cards there.
- Tyler, let me have Ally's cards back.
- Dad!
Tyler, I don't want
to hear it.
Come on, let's have
those cards, hmm?
- Sorry about this, Barone.
- No, it's okay, yeah.
- Daddy--
- It's okay. Daddy's handling this.
Thanks, thanks there,
Parker.
Hey, you're welcome. I don't usually
interfere in these things,
but sometimes
that's a dad's job.
Hmm, yeah, and you taught him
a good lesson there too.
- Okay, I'll see you later, Parker.
- Wait. Where are you going?
Oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah. I thought
I would go stenciling like you said.
Well, stenciling's
right there.
Oh, there it is.
Okay, thank you.
You could
make that shot.
You wanna go
one-on-one right now?
Ray, what is wrong
with you?
Oh, I know this.
I know this one.
Ally told me
you just undid
her Hackidu trade
with Bill Parker's boy.
He's a lousy dad.
Give me another one.
Shut up. Yeah, she was giving away
all her cards for one card.
I saved her from getting ripped off.
That's all.
What just happened? Come on.
See? You're making me miss it.
Well, she's upset. That's the trade
she wanted to make, all right?
You gotta go back over
to Bill Parker and undo what you undid.
What are you getting
so excited for?
It's stupid Hackidu cards.
She'll get over it, okay?
- Wrong.
- What?
You're wrong.
They're not just cards.
I never seen these, whatchamacallthem,
Hackensack cards?
Hackidu.
Okay, whatever, whatever,
but I know one thing--
kids love this card crap.
When you were a kid, you were
all loopy about Batman cards.
You loved 'em, and our
old picnic table was wobbly,
and I took a bunch
of those cards
and stuck 'em
under the leg.
I remember that.
They got destroyed
in the rain.
You're not gonna cry,
are you, Raymond?
No, that's the thing.
He didn't cry.
He just looked...
betrayed.
It tore my heart out.
I-l--
I can't forget that look.
Stop it!
What?
- That look. There it is! Stop it!
- I'm not doing anything!
Don't lie. It's subtle
but it's there.
Hey, I'm sorry about
your cards already.
It's the one thing
I did wrong.
The one thing?
How about when I was
10 years old,
and you backed your car
over my big toe?
Doesn't ring a bell.
Frank,
I'm sick of this.
Go clean your whiskers
out of the sink.
After you.
You know, just wait
a second, Dad.
The Batman thing
is not the same, okay?
'Cause you ruined
my cards.
I saved Ally's cards. She wanted to get
rid of all her cards for one.
Which is what
she wanted to do.
Will you stop, please,
huh? It's over.
What kind of cards?
Nothing, Ma. Just this Korean thing
the kids are into now.
Oh, Hackidu.
What card did she have?
I don't know.
Scrami-something or other.
AScramisaur?
- You know about this stuff?
- A little.
Scramisaur is the fastest creature
on Hackidu mountain.
He starts off
as a Slugowog, very slow.
And he can only evolve
into a Scramisaur
if he gets
the sonic crystal.
That's why Scramisaurs
are rare and valuable.
I'm Grandma.
I have this and candy.
Well,
wait a minute, Mom.
How valuable is this
Scramisaur card?
You can't find 'em in the stores.
Believe me, I looked.
But if you find one
mint condition,
no creases, that's $65.
$65?
Holy crap!
This is the work
of the North Koreans.
You had a Scramisaur,
and you lost it?
Yep. What do you know, Ray?
Ally knew what she was doing all along.
Or Parker did.
- What?
- You, sir, are a numbskull.
Numbskullawog.
Now wait a minute.
Parker, he--
Parker didn't know. He was just trying
to show me what a great dad he is.
He took you for a ride,
Satchmo.
Come on.
Hey, wake up.
You think this is just
Hackidu cards?
You think it's about Daddy
and setting a nice example
for a little boy?
This is business.
This is 65 bucks.
Pull your head out
of your pants.
No, Frank, Bill Parker's
not like that.
Where you going?
I got a little unfinished
business with your boyfriend.
Boyfriend?
This could explain why
all the kids are blond.
And smart.
- Oh, hey, Parker.
- Oh, hey, Barone.
Listen, you know what?
I was thinking about
how we made the kids trade
the Hackidu cards back.
And I kinda felt bad
for Taylor.
- Tyler.
- Tyler, yeah.
No no, he's fine.
Yeah? Okay, all right.
'Cause you know
I know how kids are.
They seem fine then later on
they get all upset.
So you know,
it's okay if your...
boy wants
to trade back.
Oh, thanks. That's really
nice of you, Barone.
But that wouldn't be fair
to Ally, would it?
No, you're right, yeah.
You know what might be
the fairer thing
to, like,
even the trade out,
maybe Ally could--
could give your son
just a couple cards
for that Scrabby-something, whatever
that thing-- whatever they call it.
I don't know.
They have the weirdest names.
Yeah, that Hackidu. I think that's
Korean for "stupid Americans," huh?
Yeah.
- So what do you say?
- Oh, thanks.
But we should probably leave
well enough alone.
Don't you think?
Okay, listen, you know,
if you want to know
the truth,
my mother has
this connection
with the kid
and that card.
And my mother kind of wants
to give it to her
'cause you know,
she's...
old.
So you know what?
Why don't I just give you a couple bucks
and you can get a couple more cards
for your son?
And I can tell Ally that
my mother gave it to her,
and we make
the old lady happy.
You wanna buy it?
Yeah, I'll buy it.
Just be done with it.
Who cares? Whatever.
So what do you think, like three bucks?
I was thinking
more like 100.
You knew!
You knew. You knew, didn't you, Parker?
You knew all along.
Yeah, like you didn't. Telling me
sad stories about your mother.
Everyone knows
you hate your mother.
- That's my Scramisaur.
- No, it's my Scramisaur.
- You ripped me off.
- A deal's a deal. No givesies-backsies.
No, you givesy-backsy
first.
Tough noogies, Barone.
It isn't tough noogies.
Wait till I tell my wife--
the guy she thinks
is better than me
is not!
There's your king.
There's your king.
Long live the king,
right?
Taking advantage of a little girl.
That's who you're working for.
Quit. Don't work.
Come on.
Come on.
He's taking advantage
of all of you.
He looks nice.
He's the iceman.
That's who he is.
Come on, everybody.
Come on.
Come on. Let's go!
# High on Hackidu mountain#
# Where the flames shoot
forth in the night #
# The source
of the Hackidu power #
# The power of justice
and might #
# Buy 'em, buy 'em, Hackidu,
buy 'em, buy 'em, Hackidu #
# Buy 'em, buy 'em, buy 'em,
buy 'em, buy 'em, Hackidu! #
# Buy 'em, buy 'em,
Hackidu #
# Buy 'em, buy 'em,
Hackidu. #
All right, easy, easy.
Let's be careful.
Uncle Robert has a boo-boo
on his upper thigh.
Daddy says it's
your hiney.
Okay, all right,
that's enough TV.
- Who wants some sugar?
- Me!
Okay. There you go.
Daddy, did you
get my Scramisaur back?
Well, here's
the thing, honey.
It turns out that Mommy's hero
Mr. Parker is a big stinkin'--
Ray!
No, I couldn't get
the cards back, Ally. I tried.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I even went to a lot of stores.
They don't have Hackidu cards.
But I did get you this.
Huh? It's a troll
on a pencil.
Hey hey-- whoa!
Somebody needs
their hair combed.
Thank you.
You gotta hand it
to little Ally.
She didn't cry.
She just looked...
betrayed.
Why'd you get 'em hooked
on the cards anyway?
Me? You're the one that had 'em watch
the TV show. That leads to the cards.
I didn't know that was the show. I was
turning the TV on to keep 'em quiet.
- Why don't you read 'em a book?
- That's your answer for everything.
- Do you even know how to read?
- I read. I dance. I'm pretty.
All right, all right,
all right!
Here.
Save your marriage.
It's Amy's brother Russell.
He owns a comic book shop.
He's got cards there.
"Russell's Vintage Comics."
Yeah, he's a good guy.
If anyone has Scramisaur, he does.
Wait a minute. This is in Hohokus,
New Jersey, all right?
I'm not going all the way out
to freakin' Hohokus.
Come on.
It's an hour and a half!
Some of that's
still lndian territory.
- Ray, you--
- No, look, I'm sorry Ally's upset,
but I'll talk to her,
all right?
I'm putting an end
to this card baloney.
$65, come on.
# Buy 'em, buy 'em,
Hackidu. #
Yeah, okay, knock it off,
upper-thigh-hole.
Ally, Ally--
oh, those cards.
Here. Give me those
for a second, okay?
Listen, I want to talk to you.
Come over here.
I know-- I know you want
that Scramisaur.
But there are
some people out there
and all they want
to do is get rich.
So they make kids
think that things are more valuable
than they really are.
Things like pieces of paper
with pictures on 'em.
You mean like money?
No no no.
No, money is
important pieces of paper
with pictures on it.
Look, what Daddy doesn't
like about the Hackidu people
is that they've
made you believe
that this Scramisaur
thing is worth $65.
$65?
Yeah yeah, that's why
you wanted it, right?
No.
Why'd you trade all
your cards for it?
'Cause Scramisaur's
my favorite. I love him.
What do you mean
you love him?
That's the only reason
you wanted it?
Yeah.
It's okay, Daddy.
Come on!
You're gonna be
a bad boy, right?
You're gonna be
a bad man, right?
Stupid New Jersey.
How you doin'?
I'm looking for Russell.
Is Russell here?
- You l.R.S.?
- What?
Are you
with the l.R.S.?
- No!
- You look like l.R.S.
I do?
No, that's just it.
You don't.
I'm a friend
of your sister Amy.
- Oh, yeah, I'm Russell.
- Yeah, Ray Barone. Robert's brother.
Oh, Robert's brother.
Get out.
Thanks, Clarence, see you
at the convention.
- Listen--
- Let me tell you about your brother.
My little sister put two
childbearing years into Gigantor.
Then he dumps her without
so much as a smack-me-bum.
I don't really know
what you mean,
but I think Amy
was the one
who broke up with Robert
without the smack-your-bum.
Can you blame her?
The guy's got no backbone.
He can't commit to anything.
What kind of person's that?
Well, you know, Robert and l,
we're really not that close.
But listen, I saw
you had a sign
saying you got
Hackidu cards.
We're closed.
Good day, sir.
Listen...
Listen to me, please,
I just drove two hours
in the rain and the traffic,
and my back is all sore,
and the only thing I had to eat
was Cheerios on the seat of the car.
Your brother was very
lucky to have Amy.
- She's very supportive.
- Yeah, all right.
She's the one who said,
"Open your comic book store"
when the rest of the family
was saying "Up your medication."
Look, l-- l--
I love Amy, believe me.
Your brother needs help.
If he could just learn to love himself.
He needs to learn
to love himself.
Well...
you're right.
You're right.
I mean, that's the greatest
love of all, right?
Amy should be with you.
Hey, don't think I haven't thought
of that. You know?
Listen, um...
okay, I need a certain
type of Hackidu card.
- No, you don't.
- What?
Yes, yes, I do.
My daughter needs a Scramisaur.
Let me tell you
about Hackidu.
It's evil.
Oh, God.
It's got no substance,
no truth.
It's like junk food for the mind.
It's kiddie crack.
Okay, it's kiddie crack.
Well, I need $65
worth of it.
How old is
your daughter?
- 7.
- 7.
I'll tell you
what she needs.
Are you familiar
with "Little Lotta"?
You see, Lotta is a little girl
with a bow on her head
and although she's morbidly obese,
she still finds happiness.
Do you have a partner?
'Cause maybe I could
talk to him about this.
Don't you get it,
you Long lsland suburban
automaton?
You can't hear the truth
over your lawnmower, man!
No, wait.
Listen, Russell.
Do you have
a daughter?
I have a snake.
All right, well then, you know
what I'm talking about.
I agree with you Russell.
Look, I hate this Hackidu thing.
And I hated the last thing
and you know what?
I'm gonna hate the next thing too,
but when your daughter
or your reptile
looks up at you
with those eyes,
how are you gonna say no?
Have you even given
comic books a chance?
Do you have a Scramisaur?
I might.
All right,
I'm buying some comic books.
There you go.
You see, kids have such
wonderful open minds.
They need to be shown--
Yeah, okay, all right,
I'll take these right here.
Ooh, some excellent choices.
This one's a classic.
You know your daughter
is gonna love--
Where's the Scramisaur?
Here you are, my friend.
Mint condition,
no creases.
- Thank you.
- Uh-uh-uh!
Let's have
a little smile.
That's what
it's all about, man.
Your total is $289.50.
Got it.
Hey, what did I tell ya?
That Russell, good guy, huh?
Yeah, he's got a message
for you-- go love yourself.
Oh, that's nice.
- Ally, come down here.
- Hi, Daddy.
Got you something.
Scramisaur!
Thank you, Daddy.
How about that,
Raymond, huh?
A little girl's smile,
you can't put a price on that.
How about $289.50?
And...
while I was there, I got
you some comic books too.
Daddy,
you're the best.
No, what?
Don't fold it!
Oh.
Hey, look at this.
"Little Lotta."
Look how fat she is.
Look at that.
we gotta help out with this thing?
Ray, all the parents
have to do their time.
Come on, you don't see
Bill Parker complaining.
Oh, Bill Parker.
Mr. Look-At-Me-I'm-King-
of-the-Carnival.
Oh, come on.
He's doing it for the school.
He's a good father.
What, he's a better
father than me?
Is that what you're saying?
I'm not a good father?
Wanna be a good father?
Go help out in the childcare room.
I'll go.
They got a TV in there?
- Hey, Barone, what happened?
- Oh.
- What are you doing?
- Hey, Parker, I'm just doing this.
Hey hey, gimme that.
I can do that, thank you very much.
- You got it?
- Yes.
We're ready to finish the booth frames.
I could use some muscle.
Let's rock.
I'll be back to check on those,
and they better be spot-free, okay?
This isn't like home,
where I let that stuff slide.
Hey hey!
Come on! My ankles.
You wet my ankles.
What's wrong with you?
That's toxic, that stuff.
That sinks right through
the socks and into the skin.
I like to bust her chops,
keep her in line.
All right, Barone,
see if you can fasten it.
All right.
All right, Parker.
It's just fastening,
right?
Not like we're doing
rocket-- ah, oh!
Oh! Mother of ugly!
Again?
You okay there?
Yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Mammy!
Maybe you should do something
a little less... strenuous.
How about stenciling
with the ladies?
No no. I don't have to do stenciling.
I can do this.
The only reason I cut myself
is I'm used to working
- to working with the big tools.
- Right.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hey, Tyler.
- Look at all my new Hackidu cards.
Hackidu. You can't believe
how they love the Hackidu.
I can believe anything
you can, probably more.
We traded, Dad.
Let's see what
you have there, son.
Ooh, Venipod,
Rain Wiffle, E-Jazz.
Hey, let's see what-- yeow!
Let's see you got there.
Scrato-- Scrome--
- Scramisaur.
- Scramisaur. Let me see him.
Don't get blood on him.
Wait a minute.
Ally, you gave away
all your cards for just one card?
- Yeah.
- Now, Tyler,
that doesn't seem quite fair,
does it?
- It's okay.
- No no, Ally, Mr. Parker's right.
You gave away
all your cards there.
- Tyler, let me have Ally's cards back.
- Dad!
Tyler, I don't want
to hear it.
Come on, let's have
those cards, hmm?
- Sorry about this, Barone.
- No, it's okay, yeah.
- Daddy--
- It's okay. Daddy's handling this.
Thanks, thanks there,
Parker.
Hey, you're welcome. I don't usually
interfere in these things,
but sometimes
that's a dad's job.
Hmm, yeah, and you taught him
a good lesson there too.
- Okay, I'll see you later, Parker.
- Wait. Where are you going?
Oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah. I thought
I would go stenciling like you said.
Well, stenciling's
right there.
Oh, there it is.
Okay, thank you.
You could
make that shot.
You wanna go
one-on-one right now?
Ray, what is wrong
with you?
Oh, I know this.
I know this one.
Ally told me
you just undid
her Hackidu trade
with Bill Parker's boy.
He's a lousy dad.
Give me another one.
Shut up. Yeah, she was giving away
all her cards for one card.
I saved her from getting ripped off.
That's all.
What just happened? Come on.
See? You're making me miss it.
Well, she's upset. That's the trade
she wanted to make, all right?
You gotta go back over
to Bill Parker and undo what you undid.
What are you getting
so excited for?
It's stupid Hackidu cards.
She'll get over it, okay?
- Wrong.
- What?
You're wrong.
They're not just cards.
I never seen these, whatchamacallthem,
Hackensack cards?
Hackidu.
Okay, whatever, whatever,
but I know one thing--
kids love this card crap.
When you were a kid, you were
all loopy about Batman cards.
You loved 'em, and our
old picnic table was wobbly,
and I took a bunch
of those cards
and stuck 'em
under the leg.
I remember that.
They got destroyed
in the rain.
You're not gonna cry,
are you, Raymond?
No, that's the thing.
He didn't cry.
He just looked...
betrayed.
It tore my heart out.
I-l--
I can't forget that look.
Stop it!
What?
- That look. There it is! Stop it!
- I'm not doing anything!
Don't lie. It's subtle
but it's there.
Hey, I'm sorry about
your cards already.
It's the one thing
I did wrong.
The one thing?
How about when I was
10 years old,
and you backed your car
over my big toe?
Doesn't ring a bell.
Frank,
I'm sick of this.
Go clean your whiskers
out of the sink.
After you.
You know, just wait
a second, Dad.
The Batman thing
is not the same, okay?
'Cause you ruined
my cards.
I saved Ally's cards. She wanted to get
rid of all her cards for one.
Which is what
she wanted to do.
Will you stop, please,
huh? It's over.
What kind of cards?
Nothing, Ma. Just this Korean thing
the kids are into now.
Oh, Hackidu.
What card did she have?
I don't know.
Scrami-something or other.
AScramisaur?
- You know about this stuff?
- A little.
Scramisaur is the fastest creature
on Hackidu mountain.
He starts off
as a Slugowog, very slow.
And he can only evolve
into a Scramisaur
if he gets
the sonic crystal.
That's why Scramisaurs
are rare and valuable.
I'm Grandma.
I have this and candy.
Well,
wait a minute, Mom.
How valuable is this
Scramisaur card?
You can't find 'em in the stores.
Believe me, I looked.
But if you find one
mint condition,
no creases, that's $65.
$65?
Holy crap!
This is the work
of the North Koreans.
You had a Scramisaur,
and you lost it?
Yep. What do you know, Ray?
Ally knew what she was doing all along.
Or Parker did.
- What?
- You, sir, are a numbskull.
Numbskullawog.
Now wait a minute.
Parker, he--
Parker didn't know. He was just trying
to show me what a great dad he is.
He took you for a ride,
Satchmo.
Come on.
Hey, wake up.
You think this is just
Hackidu cards?
You think it's about Daddy
and setting a nice example
for a little boy?
This is business.
This is 65 bucks.
Pull your head out
of your pants.
No, Frank, Bill Parker's
not like that.
Where you going?
I got a little unfinished
business with your boyfriend.
Boyfriend?
This could explain why
all the kids are blond.
And smart.
- Oh, hey, Parker.
- Oh, hey, Barone.
Listen, you know what?
I was thinking about
how we made the kids trade
the Hackidu cards back.
And I kinda felt bad
for Taylor.
- Tyler.
- Tyler, yeah.
No no, he's fine.
Yeah? Okay, all right.
'Cause you know
I know how kids are.
They seem fine then later on
they get all upset.
So you know,
it's okay if your...
boy wants
to trade back.
Oh, thanks. That's really
nice of you, Barone.
But that wouldn't be fair
to Ally, would it?
No, you're right, yeah.
You know what might be
the fairer thing
to, like,
even the trade out,
maybe Ally could--
could give your son
just a couple cards
for that Scrabby-something, whatever
that thing-- whatever they call it.
I don't know.
They have the weirdest names.
Yeah, that Hackidu. I think that's
Korean for "stupid Americans," huh?
Yeah.
- So what do you say?
- Oh, thanks.
But we should probably leave
well enough alone.
Don't you think?
Okay, listen, you know,
if you want to know
the truth,
my mother has
this connection
with the kid
and that card.
And my mother kind of wants
to give it to her
'cause you know,
she's...
old.
So you know what?
Why don't I just give you a couple bucks
and you can get a couple more cards
for your son?
And I can tell Ally that
my mother gave it to her,
and we make
the old lady happy.
You wanna buy it?
Yeah, I'll buy it.
Just be done with it.
Who cares? Whatever.
So what do you think, like three bucks?
I was thinking
more like 100.
You knew!
You knew. You knew, didn't you, Parker?
You knew all along.
Yeah, like you didn't. Telling me
sad stories about your mother.
Everyone knows
you hate your mother.
- That's my Scramisaur.
- No, it's my Scramisaur.
- You ripped me off.
- A deal's a deal. No givesies-backsies.
No, you givesy-backsy
first.
Tough noogies, Barone.
It isn't tough noogies.
Wait till I tell my wife--
the guy she thinks
is better than me
is not!
There's your king.
There's your king.
Long live the king,
right?
Taking advantage of a little girl.
That's who you're working for.
Quit. Don't work.
Come on.
Come on.
He's taking advantage
of all of you.
He looks nice.
He's the iceman.
That's who he is.
Come on, everybody.
Come on.
Come on. Let's go!
# High on Hackidu mountain#
# Where the flames shoot
forth in the night #
# The source
of the Hackidu power #
# The power of justice
and might #
# Buy 'em, buy 'em, Hackidu,
buy 'em, buy 'em, Hackidu #
# Buy 'em, buy 'em, buy 'em,
buy 'em, buy 'em, Hackidu! #
# Buy 'em, buy 'em,
Hackidu #
# Buy 'em, buy 'em,
Hackidu. #
All right, easy, easy.
Let's be careful.
Uncle Robert has a boo-boo
on his upper thigh.
Daddy says it's
your hiney.
Okay, all right,
that's enough TV.
- Who wants some sugar?
- Me!
Okay. There you go.
Daddy, did you
get my Scramisaur back?
Well, here's
the thing, honey.
It turns out that Mommy's hero
Mr. Parker is a big stinkin'--
Ray!
No, I couldn't get
the cards back, Ally. I tried.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I even went to a lot of stores.
They don't have Hackidu cards.
But I did get you this.
Huh? It's a troll
on a pencil.
Hey hey-- whoa!
Somebody needs
their hair combed.
Thank you.
You gotta hand it
to little Ally.
She didn't cry.
She just looked...
betrayed.
Why'd you get 'em hooked
on the cards anyway?
Me? You're the one that had 'em watch
the TV show. That leads to the cards.
I didn't know that was the show. I was
turning the TV on to keep 'em quiet.
- Why don't you read 'em a book?
- That's your answer for everything.
- Do you even know how to read?
- I read. I dance. I'm pretty.
All right, all right,
all right!
Here.
Save your marriage.
It's Amy's brother Russell.
He owns a comic book shop.
He's got cards there.
"Russell's Vintage Comics."
Yeah, he's a good guy.
If anyone has Scramisaur, he does.
Wait a minute. This is in Hohokus,
New Jersey, all right?
I'm not going all the way out
to freakin' Hohokus.
Come on.
It's an hour and a half!
Some of that's
still lndian territory.
- Ray, you--
- No, look, I'm sorry Ally's upset,
but I'll talk to her,
all right?
I'm putting an end
to this card baloney.
$65, come on.
# Buy 'em, buy 'em,
Hackidu. #
Yeah, okay, knock it off,
upper-thigh-hole.
Ally, Ally--
oh, those cards.
Here. Give me those
for a second, okay?
Listen, I want to talk to you.
Come over here.
I know-- I know you want
that Scramisaur.
But there are
some people out there
and all they want
to do is get rich.
So they make kids
think that things are more valuable
than they really are.
Things like pieces of paper
with pictures on 'em.
You mean like money?
No no no.
No, money is
important pieces of paper
with pictures on it.
Look, what Daddy doesn't
like about the Hackidu people
is that they've
made you believe
that this Scramisaur
thing is worth $65.
$65?
Yeah yeah, that's why
you wanted it, right?
No.
Why'd you trade all
your cards for it?
'Cause Scramisaur's
my favorite. I love him.
What do you mean
you love him?
That's the only reason
you wanted it?
Yeah.
It's okay, Daddy.
Come on!
You're gonna be
a bad boy, right?
You're gonna be
a bad man, right?
Stupid New Jersey.
How you doin'?
I'm looking for Russell.
Is Russell here?
- You l.R.S.?
- What?
Are you
with the l.R.S.?
- No!
- You look like l.R.S.
I do?
No, that's just it.
You don't.
I'm a friend
of your sister Amy.
- Oh, yeah, I'm Russell.
- Yeah, Ray Barone. Robert's brother.
Oh, Robert's brother.
Get out.
Thanks, Clarence, see you
at the convention.
- Listen--
- Let me tell you about your brother.
My little sister put two
childbearing years into Gigantor.
Then he dumps her without
so much as a smack-me-bum.
I don't really know
what you mean,
but I think Amy
was the one
who broke up with Robert
without the smack-your-bum.
Can you blame her?
The guy's got no backbone.
He can't commit to anything.
What kind of person's that?
Well, you know, Robert and l,
we're really not that close.
But listen, I saw
you had a sign
saying you got
Hackidu cards.
We're closed.
Good day, sir.
Listen...
Listen to me, please,
I just drove two hours
in the rain and the traffic,
and my back is all sore,
and the only thing I had to eat
was Cheerios on the seat of the car.
Your brother was very
lucky to have Amy.
- She's very supportive.
- Yeah, all right.
She's the one who said,
"Open your comic book store"
when the rest of the family
was saying "Up your medication."
Look, l-- l--
I love Amy, believe me.
Your brother needs help.
If he could just learn to love himself.
He needs to learn
to love himself.
Well...
you're right.
You're right.
I mean, that's the greatest
love of all, right?
Amy should be with you.
Hey, don't think I haven't thought
of that. You know?
Listen, um...
okay, I need a certain
type of Hackidu card.
- No, you don't.
- What?
Yes, yes, I do.
My daughter needs a Scramisaur.
Let me tell you
about Hackidu.
It's evil.
Oh, God.
It's got no substance,
no truth.
It's like junk food for the mind.
It's kiddie crack.
Okay, it's kiddie crack.
Well, I need $65
worth of it.
How old is
your daughter?
- 7.
- 7.
I'll tell you
what she needs.
Are you familiar
with "Little Lotta"?
You see, Lotta is a little girl
with a bow on her head
and although she's morbidly obese,
she still finds happiness.
Do you have a partner?
'Cause maybe I could
talk to him about this.
Don't you get it,
you Long lsland suburban
automaton?
You can't hear the truth
over your lawnmower, man!
No, wait.
Listen, Russell.
Do you have
a daughter?
I have a snake.
All right, well then, you know
what I'm talking about.
I agree with you Russell.
Look, I hate this Hackidu thing.
And I hated the last thing
and you know what?
I'm gonna hate the next thing too,
but when your daughter
or your reptile
looks up at you
with those eyes,
how are you gonna say no?
Have you even given
comic books a chance?
Do you have a Scramisaur?
I might.
All right,
I'm buying some comic books.
There you go.
You see, kids have such
wonderful open minds.
They need to be shown--
Yeah, okay, all right,
I'll take these right here.
Ooh, some excellent choices.
This one's a classic.
You know your daughter
is gonna love--
Where's the Scramisaur?
Here you are, my friend.
Mint condition,
no creases.
- Thank you.
- Uh-uh-uh!
Let's have
a little smile.
That's what
it's all about, man.
Your total is $289.50.
Got it.
Hey, what did I tell ya?
That Russell, good guy, huh?
Yeah, he's got a message
for you-- go love yourself.
Oh, that's nice.
- Ally, come down here.
- Hi, Daddy.
Got you something.
Scramisaur!
Thank you, Daddy.
How about that,
Raymond, huh?
A little girl's smile,
you can't put a price on that.
How about $289.50?
And...
while I was there, I got
you some comic books too.
Daddy,
you're the best.
No, what?
Don't fold it!
Oh.
Hey, look at this.
"Little Lotta."
Look how fat she is.
Look at that.