Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 4, Episode 15 - Robert's Rodeo - full transcript

Robert gets gored in the rear by a bull and has to stay with Marie and Frank for a while.

All right,
see you later.

Okay, have fun driving
your little scooters.

They're not
scooters, okay?

They're professional go-carts.
You know.

You know
they're go-carts.

Whatever.

Look, don't get mad at me.
Andy's the one

who wants to go.
He's all excited about it.

- I don't want to go.
- Ray?

I heard you making "vroom-vroom"
noises in the bathroom.

What are you listening
to me in there for?



Read a book.

Hey, good news, Raymond.

They had the meat lover's
pizza special today.

You order one meat lover's,
you get another free meat lover's.

After breaking up with Amy,
I know you swore off women,

but I don't think
turning to meat is the answer.

Ha ha, very funny,
that's a good one.

I got side salads,
and wings too,

all for the big game,
huh, Ray?

So fire up
the satellite,

because the food's gonna
be here any minute.

Oh, man, Robert,

I completely forgot
about this.

Me and Andy, we...



gotta go to work.

What, on a Saturday?

Yeah, Saturday!
Tell me about it.

We lost our columns
in the computer.

Apparently, some janitor,
he spilled coffee on the...

motherboard.

All right, okay, well,

maybe we'll do it
next week.

Definitely, next week.
Don't even try

to get out of it.
We're doing this next week.

Okay. You mind
if I use the phone?

No no, go ahead.

Why can't Robert
go with you?!

Yeah, right.
Why don't I bring you too?

- What are you doing?
- That book is boring.

You should read
more often.

- Ray! Hey, Ray?
- Oh, no.

You upstairs?

Yeah, but we're reading.

Ray!

Dad!

Let's go, your brother's
in the hospital.

- What happened?
- I don't know, he's in the hospital,

- Queens hospital.
- But why?

He was on duty, he got hurt,
that's all they would tell me.

- Let's go!
- Oh my God.

Mrs. Scarpulla is coming over,
she'll watch the kids.

I'll meet you
at the car.

Oh my God, Robert.

- Robert?
- Oh, my baby!

- Oh, Robby!
- Hi, Ma.

- How are you doing, son?
- Are you okay? You look okay.

- Yeah, I'll be fine.
- Oh, Robert.

- Debra, be careful.
- You okay? I didn't mean to hurt you.

No no, I'm okay.
Hugging is fine.

Oh, good. Oh!

- Ow!
- Ooh, I'm sorry.

- What happened, were you shot?
- No.

- Switchblade?
- No.

Who did this?
Tell me who did this to you.

- What are you gonna do, Ma?
- You'd be surprised.

All right, back it up.
Let's back up a little.

Some guys were
running a rodeo,

and we got the call
to shut them down.

Wait a minute, rodeo?

What is that, police talk
for whorehouse?

No, it was a real rodeo.

Arootin'-tootin' rodeo.

- In New York?
- In Queens.

It was an illegal rodeo.
These guys set them up in parking lots,

with animals,
rides, music.

This city's got
everything!

So we roll in
and everyone scatters.

We're running after them
and then we realize

some of the animals
were heading

down Queens Boulevard.

So I took off
after the horses.

You always
wanted a pony.

All right, Ma,
nobody cares about that.

- What happened to you?
- Well, the horses were too fast,

so I gave up.

Then I hear
"buh-boom, buh-boom."

I look over,

and there he is.

- Who?
- A bull.

- A bull?!
- Yep, I big old bull.

He was tied to a telephone pole,
but he broke loose.

Then he started heading
right for Judy.

- Oh my God!
- What happened?

Well, I yelled,

"Hey hey, bull!"

I don't know.
I guess I distracted him

because he
stopped cold...

and then he turned...

and then he started
coming for me.

- Oh, no!
- Oh, yeah.

It was like that
Wall Street ad.

- Or that malt liquor commercial.
- Yeah.

So he's coming
towards me, and--

Did you get away?

Where are we, Ma?

- Oh my God!
- Shh.

I'm telling you,
the ground, it shook.

Why didn't you run?

I did run, Dad.

I don't know if you've ever been
in this situation before,

but the first thing
that comes to mind

is run!

So I'm running
and running,

and he's getting
closer and closer,

and then his horn
gets me--

and my feet are
off the ground,

Iike I'm flying.

Incredible painful
flying.

Then he tosses me aside
like a sock,

and I'm
on the pavement,

and he gives me
a couple of snorts

and lumbers up the ramp
and into his trailer.

Unbelievable!
You were gored!

By a freakin' bull!

Holy crap!

Where did he get you?

In my adductor magnus.

Your what?

It's my upper thigh...

area.

Sounds like he
got you in the ass.

I'm not--

I'm not laughing.

It's horrible, it's horrible.
I'm not laughing.

It's upper thigh.

Oh, I hate all this
police business.

I always knew
I'd get this call.

Really? The your-son-has-been-gored-
in-the-ass-by-a-bull call?

It's upper thigh!

Your job is so dangerous.

They should have
prepared you better.

Yeah, they should have
started you out

as one of those
clowns in the barrel.

You know what?
Enough already!

This is a serious injury,
and I don't see you

taking a bull
for your partner.

Hello.
Officer Barone,

I just need
to check your l.V.

What what what?

Do you realize, in a group
that includes your father,

you're being
the most insensitive?

Yeah, I don't know
what's wrong with Dad,

he must be tired.

Come on.

He's okay!

Laughter is the best
medicine, right?

I'm keeping it loose,
I'm keeping it light.

How about
keeping it shut?

See? You're funny.
You should get in there with me.

If you're going to sustain
a puncture wound,

the best place is actually
a fleshy area, like the rump.

You know, I'm getting
a little tired.

I really think that's enough visiting
for today.

All right.
You rest, sweetheart.

Okay, see you
tomorrow.

All rightthere, son.

Take it easy.

Good job.

- Ow ow ow.
- Don't try and move so much.

I'll be back
a little later, Robert.

This will teach you
to pick up an extra shift, huh?

Yeah, really.
I'll see you guys, huh?

Wait a minute,
what do you mean, extra shift?

He said you had to work,
so he came in early.

See ya.

We'll see you, Robert.
You feel better, okay?

Okay, thanks, Deb.

Yeah yeah.

Feel better,
all right, Robert?

Oh my God.

- What's the matter?
- It's all my fault. It's my fault!

Stupid go-carts.

For the rest of my life,
I'm gonna have Robert's ass

hanging over my head.

Let's get back to bed now.

Ow ow ow ow ow!

I'm hating this.
I'm hating this!

Hey, Robert!

- How are you doing?
- I'm doing great, Raymond.

I was just showing her
a magic trick.

Well, you look great.

And hey, guess what.

From your past,

a special special lady.

- Oh God!
- Come on.

- Hi, Robert.
- Amy...

hi.

You know what?
I'm gonna get you a bigger seepage pad.

Thank you!

Robert, I heard
about what happened.

Yeah, it's nice
to see you again, Amy.

You too.

I'll be back later.
Don't forget to fill out your menu.

Remember,
you're on a soft diet.

Correct me if I'm wrong,
sounds to me

Iike someone can have
all the soup he wants, huh?

There's nothing
in the world like soup.

Well, stew,
stew is like soup.

So, you're looking well.

I read about you
in the paper.

You're famous.

Great.

Look at this, Amy.
The animal rights people

sent Robert
a thank you

for the humane way
that he...

stopped the bull.

All right, Raymond.

Look, Amy, it was
nice of you to stop by.

Oh, okay.

I guess you should
get your rest.

Get better,
all right?

That's what
I'm here for.

That was great,
seeing Amy again, eh?

Yeah, once we
stopped dating,

I was worried
I wouldn't get to be

humiliated in front of her
anymore.

So I heard
you're packing up,

going home soon.
That's good.

- I'm not going home.
- What do you mean? Why not?

I can barely hobble, Ray.

I can't take care
of myself.

I have to move in
with Mom and Dad tomorrow.

Oh God.

That's right.

Eh, come on,
cheer up.

Come on, cheer up!

Cheer up,
or I'm gonna get you.

All right, look,

I gotta tell you
something.

When you took
the extra shift

because I didn't watch
the ballgame with you

I know that you thought
I had to go to work,

but see, I kind of forgot
that we had plans,

and I didn't want
to hurt your feelings,

so I told you
I had to work,

but really,

I went with Andy
to drive go-carts.

Why are you
telling me this?

What do you mean?
I feel bad, I wanted you to know.

- You want me to know that?
- Yeah.

Yeah, and to give you this
"Get Well Soon" card.

See?

The monkey slipped
on the banana.

I got it 'cause...

Iooks like he hurt
his upper thigh.

So you want to make me
feel better?

Of course I do.
What do you think?

I think you wanna
make you feel better.

- What?
- All this, Ray,

your little
telethon here,

the balloons
and the guest stars.

This is because
you feel guilty.

And then by telling me
that you dumped me

so you could sit
in a bumper car with Andy--

how is that supposed
to make me feel better?

Go-cart.

Well, as long
as you feel better.

Good night, Raymond.

- All right, listen--
- I said good night.

I don't--
I don't feel--

Come on, Robert.

Robert, come on.

Robert,

you can't
do this here.

You're gonna end up
in the basement

with a tag
on your toe.

I'm telling you,
I did what you said!

I went over there,
I gave him compassion,

told him how I felt--
made it worse.

Nice going!

How exactly did you
show your compassion?

With balloons!

Did you tell him
that you care about him?

It said it on the balloon--
"You're number one!"

Why don't you try actually telling
him that you care about him?

All right, look, don't get all girlie
on me, okay?

He's my brother.

- He doesn't know you care about him.
- He knows!

- He knows I would do anything for him.
- And he knows because you...

dumped him for Andy,

because you told him
you dumped him for Andy,

or because you feel bad
that he's mad at you

for telling him
that you dumped him for Andy?

First of all,

nobody likes
a mock multiple choice.

Andtherefore,

there will be
no second-of-all.

Hey, Robert.
You busy?

What do you want?

Eh, just to hang out.

Ah, myold room.

I'm glad someone else
can enjoy it.

You got
the stereo, VCR.

You've got a nice
setup here.

Hey, walkie-talkie.

What's the ETA
on that apple juice?

Apple juice coming up!

Hey, Robert, I got all the papers
you've been in

- in the last few days.
- I've seen them.

Here's my favorite.

"Runaway Bull:
Cop Gets Horny."

I think it's clever.

That's just the headlines.
Nobody reads that, really.

Here's your
apple juice, dear.

I'm going to the store
to get you some more Yodels.

Do you want
anything else, dear?

My dignity.

Silly.

Listen, uh...

I just want you
to know...

that...

I'm sorry about what
happened to you.

And,you know...

you're my brother,

and I really care
about you.

Who told you
to say that, Debra?

No.

What do you mean?
Of course not!

Just-- I'm telling you
how I feel about you--

What you say doesn't matter,
Raymond, okay? Just go.

- Come on, Robert--
- Ma!

What are you gonna do?
Get her to throw me out?

I just need her.
Ma, do you copy?

She went to get
your stinking Yodels.

Come on, what do you want?
What is it?

I'll do
whatever you want.

It's 3:00, I need
my bandage changed.

Ma! Come in, Ma!

Relax, Raymond.

I can do it myself.
It's bothering me.

Listen, I'll do
whatever else you want.

I'm just not good
with the body...

in general.

I prefer it to remain
a wondrous mystery.

I'm not asking you to,
Raymond.

Mom's gonna be back
real soon.

Aw, forgetit.

All right, comeon.

- Let's move you over.
- What are you doing?

- I said you didn't have to.
- I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it.
I wanna do it.

How do you do it?

- You're gonna change my bandage?
- That's right.

It's the upper thigh,
right?

Okay, the fresh ones
are over there.

I guess this is
my payback

for not changing
enough diapers.

Are you gonna do it
or not?

Yeah yeah.
What do I do?

Just lift up
the plastic

and take the old
bandage off.

Okay.

This is kind of like
Christmas morning...

if I was really bad.

What's the matter?

Nothing, it's--

- it's just--
- Big bull.

Yeah.

Yeah.
What do I do now?

Just put on
the new bandage

and just pull
the plastic over.

All right.

I don't know,
I hope I'm doing this right.

- You're doing good, Raymond.
- Yeah.

You're doing good.

Come on.

Thanks.

Hey, where are my keys?

Good Yodel, huh?

Yeah, but this one's
hard to peel.

Little pieces, man,
little pieces.

Coming up
on News 2 at 11 :00,

we have exclusive home video
of a police chase.

Only this time
the police are being chased,

by a bull!

You won't believe it!

All that and more
coming up on News 2.

You looked good.