Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 4, Episode 14 - Prodigal Son - full transcript

Frank tells Ally that Ray is going to Hell because he doesn't go to church. Feeling guilty about Frank being a good religious role model, Ray decides to be a regular parishioner.

-Give itto me!
- Stop it, it's mine!

Everybody, that's enough.
We're going to church.

All right, here,
turn that off.

How come Daddy never
has to go to church?

I don't know, why don't you
ask Daddy?

Daddy has to work, honey.

See? He's eating
his business lunch.

I am working.
There's a big game on today.

I thought it didn't
start until 1 :00.

Okay, yeah,
but there's a pregame.

Look, I don't tell you
how to do your job, right?



All right, everybody,
let's go.

Church time,
chop-chop.

You usually hide upstairs
until we leave.

A little more brazen
in your blasphemy.

Don't tell him
how to do his job.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, I don't know
why God put

church and football
at the same time.

As a matter of fact,
bring that up today!

Wait up,
wait up, kids.

Unwashed, unshaven,

scratching himself.

All my love,
all my caring--

I poured my heart
into this boy.



This is my one regret
as a parent.

I'm the one
going to church!

Oh, did you
do that yourself?

They're coming!

Hey, Ray.

Hey, Debra,
look at this.

- What?
- You're in jail.

Going on 10 years now.

Honey, show Daddy
your picture.

Oh, did you draw this?
That's beautiful.

You're quite
the little artist.

- Tell Daddy what it is.
- No no no, let me guess.

Uh, that's a big
orange wall.

- It's fire.
- Fire, yes, of course, it's fire.

It's a big wall
of fire,

and that must be
the fireman.

Actually, Ally told me
it's a picture of hell.

You mean heck, right?

Right, Ally?

So is that the devil?

Nope, it's you.

Me? I-l--
I'm--

Why am l
in heck, sweetie?

Because that's what
Grandpa said.

Grandpa said that?

Grandpa told you
that I'm going to heck?

He said hell.

Really? Why did
Grandpa say that?

'Cause you don't go
to church.

Grandpa said that?

Where were you?

I was in church.

Okay, I'm gonna go
across the street,

'cause if I'm going
to go to heck,

I'm taking him
with me.

- Marie!
- Go ahead, Frank.

She is good for something.

Mmm.

All right, Dad.

- Why did you tell Ally--
- You want some cake?

- No.
- Good.

See this picture, Dad?
It's a picture of me in hell.

My seven-year-old
daughter drew it

because her grandpa told her
that's where her father's going--

to hell! What kind
of a mind does that?!

Mmm, this cake almost
makes marriage bearable.

Hey!

Why did you
tell her that?

I never told her
you were going there.

She asked me what happens to people
who don't go to church.

I said, "They go
to hell, sweetie."

She must have put
two and two together.

Smart kid.

Go over there right now
and tell her that I'm not going to hell!

You know,
I would love to,

but I don't make
the rules.

Oh, you know what?
Whipped cream!

Hey, you really think
that I'm going to hell?

I try not to think
about it.

I don't care what
you think, all right?

I don't want you talking to my kids
about this anymore.

- You got that?
- Since when do you give me orders?

Since you crossed
over the line!

Hi Raymond, you hungry?
Have some cake.

I don't want any cake!

We have whipped cream.

How about this,
Marie?

Your son doesn't want me
talking to my own grandchildren.

- Oh?
- That isn't what I said.

I'll talk to anyone I want
any time I want.

Unfortunately, Raymond,
this is America.

- Mom, I don't want him telling--
- Hey hey hey,

what are you doing?

- Are you talking to my wife?
- What?

Don't talk to my wife.

All right, all right, Dad,
don't be cute.

Hey hey hey hey,
you wanna be like that?

You don't talk to her.
Only I talk to her!

Hello, sweetheart,
how are you?

Oh, I'm fine, but I have
a thing with my--

Oh, stop it, Mom!
He doesn't care how you are!

Hey!

You're talking to her.

Stop talking to her.

No, it's all right, Frank.
He can talk to me.

Unless you wanna
talk to me some more.

I liked it.

I was just
making a point.

Dad told Ally
that I am going to hell.

Frank!

He never goes
to Mass, Marie!

- It's an open-and-shut case.
- You see, Ma?

You should go
to Mass, Raymond.

I don't wanna go!

Why do you hurt me?

Look, I don't mean
to hurt you, Ma.

Stop hurting your mother!
Go to church!

- No!
- Ooh, ooh.

Look what you're doing to her!
Go to church!

No no!
I don't feel like it.

"l don't feel like it."

That's the problem
with you kids today.

Everything has
to feel good.

Do you think
World War ll felt good?

You think
Korea felt good?

In my day,
nothing felt good!

Why don't you
go back to your day

and stop
ruining mine?!

12 years of Catholic school
down the toilet.

Go to church!

Frank, you can't just scream
at someone to go to church.

40 years of your guilt
hasn't worked.

I need more time.

Look, l--

all I'm saying is,
from now on,

if Ally asks you something
about religious stuff,

or government,
or minorities,

please refer her to me!

How do you think
I feel?

It's embarrassing.
I'm in church,

people are saying,
"How come Ray is never here?

Didn't you
raise him right?"

- They say that?
- Shut up.

Look, I'm not going
just to make you look good.

- Go to church!
- No!

Then thou art doomed

to suffer the fires
of eternal damnation!

See, now,
I would never

scream at you
like that, Raymond,

because I know
that your failures

are my fault.

That's right,
the whole thing.

You married a man.

24 grams of fat.

Yeah, but don't worry.

I'll be burning it off--
in hell.

- Okay, I'm going up.
- Okay.

I kind of understand
how your father feels.

- Okay, good night.
- No, Ray, wait wait wait.

You still consider
yourself Catholic?

What are you
talking about?

Yeah, I'm Catholic.
You can't change that.

It's like
being ltalian,

or, or...

sexy.

So why don't you
go to mass?

Come on, look, it's not
like I never go, right?

And you go all the time,

and according to this
married thing,

we are one.

Okay. I'm not trying
to make a big thing.

I was just thinking
about you and your father,

and why you got
so angry about it.

Because it's
none of his business!

Why don't you
go to church?

I don't know.

It's because
of the kneeling, really.

It's just--
you know I have bad knees.

You know, God can
hear you right now.

Let me finish.

All right?

That's not the only reason,
that's one of them.

All right, listen,

when I go there,

I should be thinking
about God, right?

Instead, I'm thinking

about some column
I'm working on,

"What's up with
this guy's scalp?"

"Oh, that lady sneezed,

I'm not shaking
her hand."

I'm not focused.
I feel like

I'm just going
through the motions,

and that's not
respectful, right?

Yeah, you're right.
You shouldn't go

if you're just going
through the motions.

What are you doing?

What? I'm agreeing
with you.

No, you're trying
to make me feel guilty.

- No, I'm not.
- You're just like my mother.

Why do you have
to insult me?

We're talking.

Besides,
you're the one

that had to eat
a whole pint of ice cream.

If you're feeling guilty,
it's not because of me.

Let me tell you
something.

I practice being
a good person every day.

Okay?
I'm a decent fellow.

I do good things.

I always leave
a big tip.

If a squirrel runs
in front of the car,

do I not swerve?

I'm considerate
of people's feelings.

Remember the plumber
who came over with the big eye?

I treated him like
a completely normal person.

Okay?
So so so...

why do I have to go
to church every Sunday

to prove my goodness?
I'm living it!

Well, since you are

so good
during the week,

maybe on Sundays
we should have everybody

come over here
and sit around you.

Okay, all right.

Why do you go,
Miss Holy...

Moly?

- Why do I go?
- Yeah.

I go... you know,

to thank God
for you and the kids,

and to pray
for the strength

to get through another week
with you and the kids.

Okay, all right.

No no, really.
I go to get re-energized,

to be part of something
that's bigger than me

and my little problems.

It reminds me that I'm not
the be-all and end-all.

There's something out there
that's greater than me.

Why do you have to have
an answer for everything?

And you know
what else?

I like the feeling
of community, the tradition.

And I think that's
what's bugging your father.

He wanted to pass
his faith onto you.

It's probably
the only valuable thing

that he thinks
he can give you,

and you've rejected it.

Okay, I need
more ice cream.

You know, a lot of people
would have made fun

of that plumber, okay?
Big Muppet-eye guy.

Hey, you working
the church carnival next weekend?

Yeah, my wife signed me up
for the dunking booth again.

She loves
seeing me wet.

Hey, Ray is here!

And also with you.

What are you
doing here?

Nothing,
going to church.

How come?

I just
felt like it.

Yeah, well, we don't
need you part-timers

dropping by whenever
you feel like it.

Screws up the parking.

I'm thinking
of making this

- a regular thing.
- Yeah, right.

No, I'm serious.

You wanna come
every Sunday?

Do they have it
every Sunday?

Yeah, every Sunday.

Yeah, until your mother's
guilt wears off.

No no, it wasn't her.

Look, you wanna know
the truth?

It was you.

I wanna set an example
for my kids.

You know,
like you did.

What are you,
being a wise guy?

No, I mean it.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

Look at you.

Us Barones,
we clean up pretty good, eh?

Hey, it's the Offertory,
people,

where are my ushers?
Let's go, let's go.

Get the lead out.
Come on, come on, go go go go go!

Father Hubley,
good news.

Raymond my son is
coming back to the church.

Really?

Every Sunday.

Welcome back, Raymond.

Frank, are you waiting
for an engraved invitation?

Come on.

Well well well,
the prodigal son returns.

Of course, no one applauds
the faithful son,

because the faithful son
never leaves.

The faithful son
has nowhere to go.

So what's your angle,
Raymond?

Nothing. I was
thinking about Dad--

Oh, you're coming back
because of Dad?

Yeah. Every Sunday,
that's right.

You're gonna sit in the pews
and be with the family?

Hey, if Dad can do it,
I can do it.

Yeah.

What?

- Dad doesn't do it.
- What do you mean?

I do it.
Mom, Debra, the kids do it.

Dad, he's an usher.

- So?
- So that means

he spends most of his time
out here, not in there.

Back here he doesn't
have to listen

to all the-- as he puts it--
mumbo-jumbo.

Blessed are You, Lord,
God of all creation.

That's right, Ray. Oh yeah, occasionally
he'll go down the aisle

with the collection basket,
wink at the pretty ladies,

then he hustles back
to count the money and clocks out.

It's a beautiful setup.

Mom can't get on his case
for not going to mass.

He's here every Sunday
serving the Lord.

He's just doing it
from the first-class lounge.

Oh my God.

Debra told me this was
the best part of him.

Ahwell...

I knew there was
no best part of him.

Oh, and I just promised,

in front of God
and everybody--

All right, boys,

count 'em up.

Hey, Frank,

get a load of Rosa
and Kelly today?

With the low-cut thing?
I almost gave her a dollar.

Praise the Lord!

Looks like
I'm ahead here, boys.

Ooh, look at this,
a $50 bill.

Someone did something
to somebody!

Hold it, hold it.

This is it?
This is what you do

- every Sunday?
- What?

This, this, laughing
and talking about women

and betting on who
collected the most money?

Isn't this where
Jesus is supposed to come in

and turn
this table over?

Since when did you
start wearing sandals?

You're so full of it,
Dad, you know?

Acting all high
and mighty, telling me

I'm gonna burn
in you-know-where.

This is what you want
to pass on to me?

Your little
sportsmen's lodge?

Forget it, I'm not
going to church, okay?

'Cause I don't need
your hypocrisy.

- Hypocrisy!
- Oh, hypocrisy!

Who are you to judge?
There's no hypocrisy.

I made a commitment
to the Lord,

and I'm here
every Sunday helping.

You want to break your
commitment to your family,

to Father Hubley
and to God, go right ahead.

Don't worry,
it's a dry heat.

Fine, all right.
I'm not gonna break my commitment.

I said I'm coming
every week,

and that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

Not only that,
I would like

to volunteer
to be an usher.

- What?
- I wanna be an usher. Come on, Dad.

That would be great.
You and me, we could usher together.

You wanna be an usher
like your old man?

What? What?
What's so funny?

You know how long
the waiting list is?

It took me 20 years

to become an usher!

Oh, well, I could be
a fill-in guy,

for when somebody
gets sick.

You don't look
so good.

Sorry, kid,
I promised that to your brother.

Oh, I hate that guy.

Look, you've already missed
half the mass here.

Come on, you'd better
get back in there

if you want
this one to count.

- All right, but--
- Hey, look,

I got a lot of work
to do here, son.

Go and join your family.

All right, I'm here.

Anybody watch
the Knicks game last night?

- Yeah!
- It was great.

- What?
- Nothing.

This is nice.

Wa-wa-wa-wa.

Raymond.

Peace be with you.