Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 4, Episode 10 - Left Back - full transcript

Well, first of all,
Michael and Geoffrey are so cute.

Thank you.

They're very friendly and helpful
and all the kids love them.

- I love them.
- Oh, thank you.

They are very special,
and they're so excited about

doing their comedy routine
at the winter concert.

It's so cute.
You must be very proud.

- Oh, yeah.
- Winter concert?

Yeah, Ray.
You know about that.

Yeah, I know about that. I just can't
believe it's winter already.

He's been practicing
their routine with them.



He's this
totally-involved dad.

Yeah, and if you need
any help telling them apart,

I'm your guy.

Well, actually,
it's gotten easier.

But there are
some differences.

You start seeing it
around the eyes.

Sure, that and then there are
some other diff--

Well, let's see.

These are the pre-K
assessment forms.

And here are
some numbers,

and they both know their numbers,
but they each got the nine wrong.

They said it was a six.
That's a common error.

But I guess if you
showed it to them

Iike this, right? I mean, it could
have been upside down.



Uh, no, we show it
to them like this.

- Oh.
- Don't worry.

- It's a common--
- Common, it's a common error.

And here are some letters
and they both know all their letters.

I do that with them
every day.

# A-B-C-D-- #
You know that song.

You okay?

Something bad
is coming.

- Am I right?
- No no, not at all.

Let's just, um--
well, here.

This is a test where the child is asked
to cut with scissors on the line.

- So here's Geoffrey.
- That's pretty good there.

And Michael.

Michael just needs to work
on this skill a little.

A little?
What, did he chew the paper?

Michael just doesn't know how to hold
the scissors properly

and he seems
a little reluctant to try.

So why do you
think that is?

- Is he stupid? You should tell us.
- Yeah.

No no,
not at all.

This kind of thing is just a sign
of slight immaturity,

that's all. Michael might be just
a little young for his age.

But they're supposed
to be identical.

Is that it?
Is it just the scissor thing?

Well, let's see. Here's some shapes--
where they draw shapes.

So here's Geoffrey
and here's Michael.

And let'ssee...

Then they were supposed to draw
pictures of themselves.

So here's Geoffrey.
Here's Michael.

At first he didn't
want to draw,

but then I talked him
through it.

It just lacks
a little detail.

That's a nose?
What the hell?

You know, boys are just
a little slower to develop than girls.

But Geoffrey's
developing on schedule.

Oh boy, my father's
gonna love that.

What?
Shut up.

- Excuse me?
- Nothing.

My father thinks
that Geoffrey has

homosexual
tendencies.

Don't worry about
what he thinks.

He's still
not sure about me.

Well, in my opinion,

Michael's only slightly
behind the other children,

and I'm sure he'll be fine
to move on to kindergarten.

But there's
a question?

Oh, not with me,
but the kindergarten teacher Rita

will come down and make
her own evaluation.

So Michael might have to stay
in preschool for one more year?

It happens sometimes.
It's better if it happens in preschool

because there's no shame
in repeating at this age.

Sure, right. But this
kindergarten lady Rita,

she'll make the call?

- Yes.
- Is she tough?

What do you mean?

You know...

You really gotta
leave him back?

I mean, what about
that other kid I saw,

the one licking
the blackboard?

Ray, it's not
a competition.

You know, my biggest concern
is splitting up the boys,

because they're
so close.

Well, I thought of that.
If it comes down to it,

they could both stay
in pre-K one more term.

Again, they're on
the younger side

and moving forward
at this age isn't crucial.

I don't know.
Maybe that would be best?

- Yeah.
- What do you think?

Is the boardlicker
moving up?

Oh, did you
do that yourself?

They're coming!

Michael,
like this, like this.

Come on,
like this.

- I can't.
- You-- don't give up.

- How's it goin'?
- Shh.

Yes, you can, Michael.
You can.

There you go. See?
Now you're holding it.

That's it. You're holding it.
Okay, now let's cut.

- I don't want to.
- Well, sure you do.

This is gonna help you
get a good job some day.

Come on, and let me
tell you something,

all the millionaires
know how to cut paper.

Okay, just cut a straight line.
Go ahead, go ahead. Cut.

No, straight--
Go straight.

Go straight.
Go straight, Mike!

Stop, stop.
Slow down.

Stop.
Go straight across.

Okay,
no no no no no!

Okay, hey hey hey.
Maybe this isn't a good idea.

- He doesn't-- No!
- It's okay, Ray.

- No!
- It's okay.

I think it's better
if he doesn't associate cutting paper

with you foaming
at the mouth.

Why don't you just help him
with his comedy routine?

Yeah, great great great.
That's a future.

Hey, funny boys!

Put on these chicken heads
and hand out these coupons.

Don't worry, Michael.
We cut 'em out for you already.

- Hey.
- Hey, Robert.

All right, Mike.
Go upstairs and here, practice cutting.

Take the scissors.
Go. Run.

No, don't run!
Don't run!

Idiot.

This is how
Michael cuts paper.

So we hate him now?

He needs to work
on his fine motor skills a little.

They're thinking of keeping him
in pre-K one more year.

Really?
Interesting.

- Why is that interesting?
- Oh, nothing.

- Do you got any donuts?
- Don't give him any!

- He already had two!
- I still have coffee left!

You refilled that coffee
so you could have more donuts.

So she ate them!

That's right because
two donuts are enough!

- Well, how many did you have?
- Why do you change the subject?

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

I know what to do.
I know what to do. Get out!

What's the matter,
dear?

Michael might get
left back in preschool.

- What?
- Oh, interesting.

What?
What's so interesting?

What,
is he stupid?

Nobody's stupid, Frank.

Michael's a little young
for the class.

And besides, girls mature
faster than boys.

Oh, so I guess
Geoffrey's fine then.

Yeah,
all right.

Stop it, Frank.

Raymond's upset.
It's okay, dear. It's just preschool.

That's what I told him. And if he has
to stay, Geoffrey will stay with him.

- Oh, that's good.
- No no no!

Why not, Frank?

Law of nature,
you get left behind, you get eaten.

You're too soft
on the kids.

You gotta push 'em,
push 'em forward.

Just keep pushing 'em!

Until when, Frank?

Until they cry.

That's nature's way of letting you know
you've pushed enough.

Here's a man they let
have two children.

Raymond, don't worry
about the boys.

They're beautiful
sweet boys.

They're gonna fly away
soon enough.

Yeah, all right,
Ma, look,

I want them to move up
to kindergarten

and be with
the other children.

Other children
are overrated.

But it won't hurt
Michael and Geoffrey

to stay little
one more year.

You know, that's what
I did with you.

- What?
- It's funny.

I never told you this,
but when you were the twins' age--

do you remember a nursery school
that used to be on "J" Street

with the pretty
yellow flowers out front?

Well, you and I would walk there
and back together every morning.

You were so cute
holding my hand.

So when it came time
for you to go to kindergarten

which was across town
with the bus,

I decided it would
be nice for everybody

if you stayed in preschool
one more year.

You left me back?

Left back for love.

That and you
were slow.

I remember you couldn't
even cut paper.

Hee hee.

- Frank!
- Wait. What?

What was wrong with me?

Nothing, sweetie.

You were just
a little young too.

So you stayed there
one more year,

and we got to walk
by the yellow flowers some more.

That's why I was
always the oldest in my class.

Yellow flowers.

- You knew!
- No.

Yes, of course you did.
That's what was so interesting.

- Okay, I knew.
- Why didn't you tell me?

- I don't know.
- You tell your brother this!

- I couldn't.
- Why?

- Because.
- Because why?

Because I felt
sorry for you.

You... felt sorry
for me?

You felt
sorry for me?

Ray, it was just pre--

I was just--

Uh--

Maybe I should have waited
another year to tell him.

Deb?

Deb?

Ow!

- Hey!
- What's up?

- What are you doing?
- Am I stupid?

If this is your new way
of asking for sex, then yes.

Come on,
don't you see?

That's what l
passed on to Michael.

- That's my legacy, the dumbness.
- No no.

You've passed on
other things.

Your lack of tushy.

Ha ha, yeah,
very funny.

You have a stupid kid.
You don't even care.

He is not stupid!

Then why isn't he
the same as Geoffrey?

Can't even get
good twins anymore.

Why don't you think
of it this way, okay?

Michael is the way
the twins should be

and Geoffrey's
exceptional.

Geoffrey's
your favorite.

- You're kidding now.
- Admit it.

You've always liked Geoffrey better
and that's why Michael's goofy..

Good night.

Maybe if you were
around a little more,

Michael could
cut paper.

Aha!

I knew it was right there
under the surface.

Right, so I should go to work
and raise the kids, right?

It should be all me, yeah.
And what do you do all day-- I'm sorry.

- Excuse me?
- I'm sorry.

- That's right, you're sorry.
- That's right, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Look, I just--
I want the kids

to be just like
everybody else.

- They are.
- No.

No, they should move up
and go to kindergarten

and be with their friends
and keep up with the boardlickers.

And howaboutthis?

What if one day Geoffrey
finds out that he's the smarter one?

He'll never let Michael live it down.
He'll gloat.

Just like Robert's
gonna do to me now.

He's gonna gloat.
He's gonna gloat all over me.

Ray, it's preschool,

and if they have to
stay behind,

it'll be because that's what's best
for them, right?

Isn't the most important thing
that they're healthy and happy?

You don't care about
either one of them, do you?

All right,
good news.

I went down to that school

and had a little visit
with the kindergarten broad.

- What?
- That's right.

I schmoozed her.

Hey, she's a human being...

and a woman.

- Oh no.
- And being a woman,

she's a sucker for the old
look-how-many-photos-of-the-children-

Grandpa-has-
in-his-wallet bit.

"Oh, look!
They're so adorable!

And what
a charming grandpa.

And what
a distinguished-looking forehead!"

- She said that?
- I paraphrase.

Anyway, the real reason
for the bit

is to accidentally allow
a peak of the wallet being extra full.

Oh God.

She didn't give me
a definite answer about Mikey,

but I saw
her eyes light up.

You know, those teachers
don't make squat.

I always told you we should have
a trapdoor right there.

What,
now you're mad?

I don't get
you two!

I'm thinking
of the kid.

You know, we thought that
leaving little Raymond back

didn't hurt him any,
but who the crap knows?

You could have been a year ahead
in your life right now.

That car you're
saving up for?

You could be
driving that today.

You could have bought
the house a year sooner,

met Debra
a year sooner,

had the kids
a year sooner--

which if you did,
by the way,

would put Michael
right on track

and we wouldn't have
to have this conversation!

All right,
just hold it, Frank.

Do you wanna
help the kids?

Why don't you start
by setting a decent moral example?

None of this matters!
Do you understand?

They're four. We just want them
to be healthy and happy!

Good luck
on that one.

That's where you
get it from.

That's great.
I'm gonna be stupid and bald.

Hey, chuckleheads!
Let's go!

Make the beds.
Come on.

Isn't today
the big winter concert gig?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You're excited, right? So let's move
like little excited people.

- Ray?
- What?

Come here.

I got the call
from the principal.

- What, about them?
- Yeah.

They think that Michael
should stay in preschool another year.

Oh.

- So then Geoffrey too?
- Mmm.

Yeah.

So then,
that's okay, right?

I mean,
that's what we said.

Happy and healthy.

- We still want that?
- Yeah.

- Mm.
- Yeah.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

I just thought
you'd be upset.

No, I'm, you know,
I'm... good.

- Good.
- Yeah.

- They'll be fine.
- Yeah.

- They'll be together.
- Yeah.

No, it's good.
It's good.

Okay.

All right,
you guys, come on.

You're the big
comedy stars today.

- Look, Dad, I made my bed.
- Yeah, Geoffrey.

You did a good job!

Mikey, you're
doing it there.

Good.

Hey, Mike.
Come here.

- You like your school?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

- You like Sarah your teacher?
- Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

How would you like
to stay in her class next year?

- Okay.
- Yeah?

Good, okay.
I'll tell you what.

If you want to,
you can, okay?

- Okay.
- Good.

Good.

Do I have to
cut paper now?

No. No.

No.

- Unless you want to?
- No.

- Look, I have pants like Daddy.
- Hmm.

Yeah,
how about that?

Just like Daddy.

Come here.

# Jingle bells,
jingle bells #

# Jinglealltheway#

# Oh, what fun
it is to ride #

# In a one-horse
open sleigh. #

Thanks, everybody.

And now for
a very special treat,

the comedy team of Michael
and Geoffrey Barone!

Hello, Michael.
I just flew in from Cleveland.

And your arms are very tired.

You know, I've been swimming
since I was three.

And your arms
are very tired.

If you're American
in the living room,

what are you
in the bathroom?

"Yer a'peein'."

That one was mine.

- Hey.
- Hey, what's up?

Well, you know, I got that garden
growing on my terrace over my apartment

and I thought I'd bring
you guys some plants.

Really?
All right, good.

Yeah, I know
how much you love these.

Enjoy.