Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 4, Episode 1 - Boob Job - full transcript
Debra thinks Ray would like her better if she had bigger boobs.
- Will you come on?
We're gonna be late.
Every time.
- Coming.
- I can't believe
you're gonna miss this game
Just to go to some stupid
school parents' night.
- You think I want to?
I just want to go,
so I can get back.
- You are some
special kind of lady.
- Will you come on?
- Here you go, boys.
- What's that?
- Just some snacks.
- Oh, those are your calzones,
your homemade calzones.
Aww.
Stupid parent night.
- Relax, raymond.
I'll save you some.
And then we'll dance around
in fairy land.
- The cheese is burning
the inside of your mouth,
Isn't it?
- I don't care.
- Oh,
did you do that yourself?
- They're coming.
[dramatic music]
- Hey, can we go?
- No, wait a minute. Come here.
I have such great dirt.
Come here.
- What?
- You know cheryl kaler?
- No.
- We're at her house, ray.
- Oh.
- So she's showing me around
upstairs, right?
But she was wearing
this tight pink outfit.
So anyway, she says, "well,
I had a little work done."
And she says,
"yeah, what do you think?"
And she goes like this.
- You're kidding.
- No.
Then she shuts the door,
and she lifts up her blouse.
- What?
Ohh.
Well, where the hell was I?
- So I was just like,
I said, "wow."
And she says,
"they are so natural.
Go ahead.
Touch."
- [gasps]
She wants you.
- I mean, she was, like,
acting all proud, you know?
And she tells me
the whole story,
She has it done in the morning;
she's home in the afternoon.
It was unbelievable.
I'm down here eating
bowls of crap, and you get...
You get
"come in, tokyo."
- Well, that's your fault.
- This is incredible.
Which one is she?
'cause I told your mom
we'd be home by 10:00.
- Well, no, no, wait, wait.
- I'll get my purse.
- Come on.
No,
I'm an involved parent here.
- Oh, hi...Ray.
- Hi. You must be cheryl.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Have we met?
- No, no.
No, we haven't, no.
Not until right now.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's a great party, though.
Yeah.
[clears throat]
these are good.
- Hey.
- Hey, ray, you missed it.
Phenomenal game.
Well, but at least I saved you
some calzo--
Aww.
Sorry.
- That's okay.
I don't care.
- So how was your party, dear?
But then it turned out to be
the best night of my life.
- Come on.
- Tell 'em what you saw.
- Nothing.
- Tell 'em.
- One of the mothers in ally's
class had breast implants.
- Oh, I don't like that.
- And at the party,
she showed 'em to me.
- What?
- What do you mean?
- Wait a minute.
- She just showed you?
- Both of them?
- Shirt on or off?
- With a brassiere?
- What were you wearing?
- All valid questions.
- What is the matter
with you guys?
Come on.
How old are you?
Good grief.
What's the big friggin' deal?
She touched 'em.
- Oh, come on.
Come on.
- That's right.
That's right.
- See, I expect this
from frank,
But you boys have no reason
To have any interest
in such things.
- Why not?
- Because I never nursed them.
- What the hell
are you talking about?
- Everybody knows
that if you breast-feed boys
They're gonna grow up to be
obsessed with breasts.
- That's why you didn't
breast-feed me?
- That, and the two of you
were almost the same height.
We were getting looks.
- Oh, debra, dear,
I'm curious.
What were they like?
- Ugh. They were totally fake.
- Well, well, go on.
I mean, they weren't fake.
They were real.
They do exist, you know.
If they fell down
in a forest,
They'd make a sound.
- Well, I think it's sad when
people start having surgery
To make themselves bigger.
- Marie did it the natural way.
Pound cake.
I think a boob job is
a totally stupid procedure.
- But fantastic
when done properly.
- [laughing]
Ohh. Whoo, boy.
I didn't think
that was gonna happen
After that look
you gave me downstairs.
- Well, a rule is a rule.
You know, you're going
on the road for a week.
You got to get
the proper send-off.
- Nothing proper about
what you just did, young lady.
- Mmm...
So, ray...
You don't think I need
a boob job, do you?
- No.
Not if you think
it's stupid.
- What's that
supposed to mean?
- What? Nothing.
- Really?
- Hey, you know I like them.
- Yeah.
Okay, ray, okay.
- Come on.
- All right.
- You know I love
barnes & noble.
Come on.
Come on.
- It's fine, ray.
It's just fine.
- I love them.
- Yeah.
Don't worry about it.
- I always loved them.
- Don't worry about it.
- Hey, I'll write 'em a poem.
- No, thank you.
No, thank you.
- I think
that I shall never see--
- Okay, yes.
Thanks. Forget it.
- Don't get mad.
I didn't mean anything by that.
I say a lot of stuff.
You shouldn't listen to me.
Usually, you don't.
- I know.
Forget it. Forget it.
It's stupid. Forget it.
Good night.
- All right, good night.
- Hey, nickel, I'm back.
Deb.
- Yeah, hi, honey.
I'll be down in a minute.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Saw you pull up.
- What's up?
- Aw, nothin' much.
How was your trip?
- Yeah, fine.
- Yeah. Good flight?
- Yeah.
- How was the, uh...
The weather there?
- All right,
what game is on?
- Seattle, tampa bay.
Dad's giving me 7 1/2.
- When are
one of you guys gonna get
Your own satellite dish?
- Shut up.
- Sorry that took so long.
Oh.
Hi, guys.
It's just that
geoffrey was having
That humpty-dumpty dream
again--
You know, all the king's horses
and all the king's men
Couldn't put
dada-da-dada-da-da, you know.
He just has a real hard time
with that one.
I think that's why
he won't eat eggs, so...
How was your trip?
What?
- Nothing, nothing.
New haircut?
- No. I am using a new
conditioner, though.
- Looks nice.
Adds body.
- Look, debra and I
got to talk, okay?
So go away.
- No.
- Come on, look,
I just got home,
And I'm awfully tired here,
okay?
- We're watching the game.
- Raymond, dear, ohh...
Ooh, you must be famished
from your trip,
So I brought you
some ravio...Li.
I--I'll just go
warm this up.
- I'll take it, ma.
Thanks.
- You know, dear,
I'm thinking
Maybe you use
the wrong setting on your dryer.
- Look,
all right.
Listen, guys,
I'm really tired.
I'm tired here,
and debra and I,
We got a lot
of catching up to do,
So if you'd all be
so kind as to leave now,
I'll give you each $1,000.
- No.
- Oh, come on. Come on.
Come on.
Oh, frank.
Stop it.
Come on, stop it.
Come on. Come on.
This is
none of our business.
- Raymond gets everything.
- I kind of wanted you to be
the first one to see.
What do you think?
- I think...
I don't believe it.
You didn't really...
I was gone a week.
- You like 'em?
- I--I--I...
Let me see.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I mean, not here.
Do you want to go upstairs?
- Do I?
- I think you do.
- I think I do.
- Okay.
I'm just gonna brush my teeth.
- I'm going upstairs.
Well, how's it going
in there?
- I'll be right out.
[gargling]
[spits]
- Okay.
[sniffs]
How you doin'?
- Fine.
You know, it's not really
polite to stare, ray.
- Sorry.
It's just..
What did you do?
- I, uh, made
some improvements,
Don't you think?
- Really?
You...Really?
I--I...
This is just...
You know...
One time, I went on the road,
and I came back;
You had the driveway sealed.
I got a little turned on
when I saw that.
But this is...
Better.
- It is better...
'cause you couldn't
use the driveway
For a couple of days.
- Heh-heh-heh.
Oh, my god.
- So you're okay with this.
- Okay?
- I mean, it doesn't bother you
that I look different?
- Hey, look,
if it doesn't bother you,
Then who am I to say,
really?
Whatever--what you do
with your body,
And I think that you made
two excellent choices.
- You're happy, right?
- I just...
I love you so much.
- Ah-ah-ah-ah.
- What? Oh.
Are they still tender?
'cause I can be gentle.
- Okay.
- Oh...You want
to show 'em to me.
- You might want to back up.
- Heh,
you might want to back up.
- Idiot.
- Socks?
- You are a jerk.
- You're really disappointed
now, aren't you?
- I'm not...Disappointed.
I'm scared.
That I was gonna have
plastic surgery for you?
- Yeah--well,
what do you--no.
- I did not.
You just wanted me to so badly.
- What?
When did I say that?
- The night
of the parents thing.
And you said, "not if
you think it's stupid."
- Okay, so what's wrong
with that?
- "not if you think
it's stupid"?
That means you don't think
it's stupid.
And you just said,
"two excellent choices."
- I thought
that you had surgery.
I thought I was being
supportive, that's all.
What, do you want
to come back from surgery
And have me go, "ehhhh"?
- What you should've said was,
"I love your body
the way it is,
And you shouldn't change it
ever."
- I do love your body
the way it is.
All I had to do is stuff
a couple of socks in there,
And you're hyperventilating.
- That's entrapment.
- It is not.
- Yes, of course it is.
You're walking around like...
- Oh, I didn't do that.
I didn't do that.
- Oh, then what did you do?
What did you do?
Seems like you went
to a lot of trouble
Just to get me to say
that I like breasts.
- Big breasts.
- Yeah.
Yeah, okay,
and a nice butt too. Huh?
I'm sick.
Is when I say I don't like
those things.
- You are obsessed
with those things.
- And all those times you say,
"hey, you look great,"
- Oh, come on.
I mean it when I say that.
All right, sometimes I mean,
"hurry up; we're late."
But usually,
I mean you look great.
- Right, right.
- It's true.
- Oh, god, I am so sick of
this juvenile preoccupation
With boob size and perkiness
and cleavage and...
I've had three kids, you know?
These are not just for show.
These were working breasts.
- Come on, honey.
Aw, come on.
You say that
like they're retired.
They're still useful.
They can do some
occasional consulting work.
- Forget it.
I know what you're
really like now.
- Oh...
I really like you.
- I just don't know why
looks are so important.
I don't care how you look.
- What does that mean?
- Nothing.
- No, no, wait a minute.
I mean, you always
used to say that,
"oh, you're so cute."
I'm still cute, right?
- Ray, your being cute
has nothing to do
With your appearance.
- Then what the hell is it?
- Oh, nothing.
I just meant, you know,
I don't care if you've gone,
like, soft in the middle
Or your hairline's receding
And you have this concave ass.
Cute is just who you are.
- Concave?
Hey, you know,
these jeans are relaxed-fit.
If they were regular,
my ass would come alive.
- I don't need it alive.
I'm fine
with the way you look.
- No, you're not.
- Ray, I happen
to love you for you.
- I don't care about that.
I want to be a hottie.
- So did I.
- Yeah, well...
You're a hottie
even without...The socks.
- Ohh.
Oh, you said
I didn't need socks.
- All right.
I like you
and your breasts.
- And I like you
and your breasts.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What did you say "breasts" for?
- Yeah, well, you have breasts.
I don't have breasts.
- Pecs.
I meant to say pecs.
- I know what you said,
and I know what you meant.
You meant
my sagging breasts.
I've had three kids too,
you know.
- You want my socks?
- It's not
what it looks like.
I saw a mouse.
We're gonna be late.
Every time.
- Coming.
- I can't believe
you're gonna miss this game
Just to go to some stupid
school parents' night.
- You think I want to?
I just want to go,
so I can get back.
- You are some
special kind of lady.
- Will you come on?
- Here you go, boys.
- What's that?
- Just some snacks.
- Oh, those are your calzones,
your homemade calzones.
Aww.
Stupid parent night.
- Relax, raymond.
I'll save you some.
And then we'll dance around
in fairy land.
- The cheese is burning
the inside of your mouth,
Isn't it?
- I don't care.
- Oh,
did you do that yourself?
- They're coming.
[dramatic music]
- Hey, can we go?
- No, wait a minute. Come here.
I have such great dirt.
Come here.
- What?
- You know cheryl kaler?
- No.
- We're at her house, ray.
- Oh.
- So she's showing me around
upstairs, right?
But she was wearing
this tight pink outfit.
So anyway, she says, "well,
I had a little work done."
And she says,
"yeah, what do you think?"
And she goes like this.
- You're kidding.
- No.
Then she shuts the door,
and she lifts up her blouse.
- What?
Ohh.
Well, where the hell was I?
- So I was just like,
I said, "wow."
And she says,
"they are so natural.
Go ahead.
Touch."
- [gasps]
She wants you.
- I mean, she was, like,
acting all proud, you know?
And she tells me
the whole story,
She has it done in the morning;
she's home in the afternoon.
It was unbelievable.
I'm down here eating
bowls of crap, and you get...
You get
"come in, tokyo."
- Well, that's your fault.
- This is incredible.
Which one is she?
'cause I told your mom
we'd be home by 10:00.
- Well, no, no, wait, wait.
- I'll get my purse.
- Come on.
No,
I'm an involved parent here.
- Oh, hi...Ray.
- Hi. You must be cheryl.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Have we met?
- No, no.
No, we haven't, no.
Not until right now.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's a great party, though.
Yeah.
[clears throat]
these are good.
- Hey.
- Hey, ray, you missed it.
Phenomenal game.
Well, but at least I saved you
some calzo--
Aww.
Sorry.
- That's okay.
I don't care.
- So how was your party, dear?
But then it turned out to be
the best night of my life.
- Come on.
- Tell 'em what you saw.
- Nothing.
- Tell 'em.
- One of the mothers in ally's
class had breast implants.
- Oh, I don't like that.
- And at the party,
she showed 'em to me.
- What?
- What do you mean?
- Wait a minute.
- She just showed you?
- Both of them?
- Shirt on or off?
- With a brassiere?
- What were you wearing?
- All valid questions.
- What is the matter
with you guys?
Come on.
How old are you?
Good grief.
What's the big friggin' deal?
She touched 'em.
- Oh, come on.
Come on.
- That's right.
That's right.
- See, I expect this
from frank,
But you boys have no reason
To have any interest
in such things.
- Why not?
- Because I never nursed them.
- What the hell
are you talking about?
- Everybody knows
that if you breast-feed boys
They're gonna grow up to be
obsessed with breasts.
- That's why you didn't
breast-feed me?
- That, and the two of you
were almost the same height.
We were getting looks.
- Oh, debra, dear,
I'm curious.
What were they like?
- Ugh. They were totally fake.
- Well, well, go on.
I mean, they weren't fake.
They were real.
They do exist, you know.
If they fell down
in a forest,
They'd make a sound.
- Well, I think it's sad when
people start having surgery
To make themselves bigger.
- Marie did it the natural way.
Pound cake.
I think a boob job is
a totally stupid procedure.
- But fantastic
when done properly.
- [laughing]
Ohh. Whoo, boy.
I didn't think
that was gonna happen
After that look
you gave me downstairs.
- Well, a rule is a rule.
You know, you're going
on the road for a week.
You got to get
the proper send-off.
- Nothing proper about
what you just did, young lady.
- Mmm...
So, ray...
You don't think I need
a boob job, do you?
- No.
Not if you think
it's stupid.
- What's that
supposed to mean?
- What? Nothing.
- Really?
- Hey, you know I like them.
- Yeah.
Okay, ray, okay.
- Come on.
- All right.
- You know I love
barnes & noble.
Come on.
Come on.
- It's fine, ray.
It's just fine.
- I love them.
- Yeah.
Don't worry about it.
- I always loved them.
- Don't worry about it.
- Hey, I'll write 'em a poem.
- No, thank you.
No, thank you.
- I think
that I shall never see--
- Okay, yes.
Thanks. Forget it.
- Don't get mad.
I didn't mean anything by that.
I say a lot of stuff.
You shouldn't listen to me.
Usually, you don't.
- I know.
Forget it. Forget it.
It's stupid. Forget it.
Good night.
- All right, good night.
- Hey, nickel, I'm back.
Deb.
- Yeah, hi, honey.
I'll be down in a minute.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Saw you pull up.
- What's up?
- Aw, nothin' much.
How was your trip?
- Yeah, fine.
- Yeah. Good flight?
- Yeah.
- How was the, uh...
The weather there?
- All right,
what game is on?
- Seattle, tampa bay.
Dad's giving me 7 1/2.
- When are
one of you guys gonna get
Your own satellite dish?
- Shut up.
- Sorry that took so long.
Oh.
Hi, guys.
It's just that
geoffrey was having
That humpty-dumpty dream
again--
You know, all the king's horses
and all the king's men
Couldn't put
dada-da-dada-da-da, you know.
He just has a real hard time
with that one.
I think that's why
he won't eat eggs, so...
How was your trip?
What?
- Nothing, nothing.
New haircut?
- No. I am using a new
conditioner, though.
- Looks nice.
Adds body.
- Look, debra and I
got to talk, okay?
So go away.
- No.
- Come on, look,
I just got home,
And I'm awfully tired here,
okay?
- We're watching the game.
- Raymond, dear, ohh...
Ooh, you must be famished
from your trip,
So I brought you
some ravio...Li.
I--I'll just go
warm this up.
- I'll take it, ma.
Thanks.
- You know, dear,
I'm thinking
Maybe you use
the wrong setting on your dryer.
- Look,
all right.
Listen, guys,
I'm really tired.
I'm tired here,
and debra and I,
We got a lot
of catching up to do,
So if you'd all be
so kind as to leave now,
I'll give you each $1,000.
- No.
- Oh, come on. Come on.
Come on.
Oh, frank.
Stop it.
Come on, stop it.
Come on. Come on.
This is
none of our business.
- Raymond gets everything.
- I kind of wanted you to be
the first one to see.
What do you think?
- I think...
I don't believe it.
You didn't really...
I was gone a week.
- You like 'em?
- I--I--I...
Let me see.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I mean, not here.
Do you want to go upstairs?
- Do I?
- I think you do.
- I think I do.
- Okay.
I'm just gonna brush my teeth.
- I'm going upstairs.
Well, how's it going
in there?
- I'll be right out.
[gargling]
[spits]
- Okay.
[sniffs]
How you doin'?
- Fine.
You know, it's not really
polite to stare, ray.
- Sorry.
It's just..
What did you do?
- I, uh, made
some improvements,
Don't you think?
- Really?
You...Really?
I--I...
This is just...
You know...
One time, I went on the road,
and I came back;
You had the driveway sealed.
I got a little turned on
when I saw that.
But this is...
Better.
- It is better...
'cause you couldn't
use the driveway
For a couple of days.
- Heh-heh-heh.
Oh, my god.
- So you're okay with this.
- Okay?
- I mean, it doesn't bother you
that I look different?
- Hey, look,
if it doesn't bother you,
Then who am I to say,
really?
Whatever--what you do
with your body,
And I think that you made
two excellent choices.
- You're happy, right?
- I just...
I love you so much.
- Ah-ah-ah-ah.
- What? Oh.
Are they still tender?
'cause I can be gentle.
- Okay.
- Oh...You want
to show 'em to me.
- You might want to back up.
- Heh,
you might want to back up.
- Idiot.
- Socks?
- You are a jerk.
- You're really disappointed
now, aren't you?
- I'm not...Disappointed.
I'm scared.
That I was gonna have
plastic surgery for you?
- Yeah--well,
what do you--no.
- I did not.
You just wanted me to so badly.
- What?
When did I say that?
- The night
of the parents thing.
And you said, "not if
you think it's stupid."
- Okay, so what's wrong
with that?
- "not if you think
it's stupid"?
That means you don't think
it's stupid.
And you just said,
"two excellent choices."
- I thought
that you had surgery.
I thought I was being
supportive, that's all.
What, do you want
to come back from surgery
And have me go, "ehhhh"?
- What you should've said was,
"I love your body
the way it is,
And you shouldn't change it
ever."
- I do love your body
the way it is.
All I had to do is stuff
a couple of socks in there,
And you're hyperventilating.
- That's entrapment.
- It is not.
- Yes, of course it is.
You're walking around like...
- Oh, I didn't do that.
I didn't do that.
- Oh, then what did you do?
What did you do?
Seems like you went
to a lot of trouble
Just to get me to say
that I like breasts.
- Big breasts.
- Yeah.
Yeah, okay,
and a nice butt too. Huh?
I'm sick.
Is when I say I don't like
those things.
- You are obsessed
with those things.
- And all those times you say,
"hey, you look great,"
- Oh, come on.
I mean it when I say that.
All right, sometimes I mean,
"hurry up; we're late."
But usually,
I mean you look great.
- Right, right.
- It's true.
- Oh, god, I am so sick of
this juvenile preoccupation
With boob size and perkiness
and cleavage and...
I've had three kids, you know?
These are not just for show.
These were working breasts.
- Come on, honey.
Aw, come on.
You say that
like they're retired.
They're still useful.
They can do some
occasional consulting work.
- Forget it.
I know what you're
really like now.
- Oh...
I really like you.
- I just don't know why
looks are so important.
I don't care how you look.
- What does that mean?
- Nothing.
- No, no, wait a minute.
I mean, you always
used to say that,
"oh, you're so cute."
I'm still cute, right?
- Ray, your being cute
has nothing to do
With your appearance.
- Then what the hell is it?
- Oh, nothing.
I just meant, you know,
I don't care if you've gone,
like, soft in the middle
Or your hairline's receding
And you have this concave ass.
Cute is just who you are.
- Concave?
Hey, you know,
these jeans are relaxed-fit.
If they were regular,
my ass would come alive.
- I don't need it alive.
I'm fine
with the way you look.
- No, you're not.
- Ray, I happen
to love you for you.
- I don't care about that.
I want to be a hottie.
- So did I.
- Yeah, well...
You're a hottie
even without...The socks.
- Ohh.
Oh, you said
I didn't need socks.
- All right.
I like you
and your breasts.
- And I like you
and your breasts.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What did you say "breasts" for?
- Yeah, well, you have breasts.
I don't have breasts.
- Pecs.
I meant to say pecs.
- I know what you said,
and I know what you meant.
You meant
my sagging breasts.
I've had three kids too,
you know.
- You want my socks?
- It's not
what it looks like.
I saw a mouse.