Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Lone Barone - full transcript
Robert breaks up with Amy.
- Of course I miss ya, ma.
Why do you say it like
it's a negative thing?
Okay, okay.
I'm not that happy.
All right,
I'll see ya later, ma.
I mean...
[sounding dejected]
I'll see ya later, ma.
[jazzy swing music plays]
Take it, shamsky.
[knocking on door]
Just a minute.
- Happy new home!
- Hi, amy.
- Mmm, peanut butter.
- That's how I get shamsky
to kiss me.
Beat it, shamsky.
- I brought you a friend.
- Thank you.
And welcome to
the happiest place on earth.
- Look.
Look at the balcony
with the sliding doors.
- Yep, sliding doors.
Slide open, slide closed.
Whatever you want.
- Oh, robert, look at
the adorable dishwasher.
- Where? Oh.
- You know, I was starting
to think that this
Was never going
to happen.
- What?
- You moving out
of your parents' house
And everything finally
moving forward.
- Yeah, it's exciting.
You know what else
I need around here?
Ice cube trays.
- I'm talking about us, yogi.
The plan.
- Oh, right. Yeah.
- Hey, um, maybe the couch
should be facing the window.
What do you think?
- Uh...
I really don't like
facing the window.
You know, snipers.
And then it'd be hard
to see the tv.
- Oh, we're keeping the tv
in the living room?
- No, no.
That's just
where I set it down...
And plugged it in...
And hooked up the cable.
- You know what's really gonna
pull this room together?
Some nice curtains.
- Curtains.
- Yeah.
What's the matter?
- No, nothing.
Curtains.
You want curtains.
- But don't you want curtains?
I want you
to want to have curtains.
And aren't they going
to be our curtains?
After we...You know.
- Buy the curtains?
[knock at door]
- Hey.
- Oh, crap.
- Thanks.
You might want
to cinch that robe.
You got a little fruit
coming out of the loom.
- I can't go.
- That's okay.
I'm not in the mood for golf.
Mind if I hang out
for a little while?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Then I can
take a shower at least.
- I was gonna say...
- Well, I haven't
had a chance
Because I've been waiting
all day
For debra's damn curtains!
- Curtains.
What is it
with the curtains?
Amy's got a thing
with the curtains, too.
What's with the curtains?
- Oh, tell me about it.
I'm sitting here
in my own filth for three hours
Waiting for curtains
While debra's off
at all kinds of parties.
- Parties?
- Yeah, yeah,
this is my life now.
I'm a hostage.
I'm trapped inside
these four...
All the walls
here in this area!
- What do you mean "hostage"?
- I'm a hostage! Look at me.
I'm trying to blink you
a message.
Huh?
- Come on,
what are you saying?
You're not happy?
- I'm happy.
I'm as happy
as she lets me be.
I sleep
when she lets me sleep.
I eat
what she lets me eat.
The only reason
she keeps me alive
Is to open jars
and kill bugs.
- I know you, raymond.
You wouldn't trade this
for anything.
- I'll trade it all right now
for a pack of cigarettes.
- All right, I can see
I caught you on a bad day.
- Oh, it's every day.
- Every day?
I was at your wedding.
I was there when you
brought home your little girl,
Your twin boys.
- Yeah, okay,
there's some perks.
That's how they hook you.
You know what I'm doing
tomorrow night?
I'm going to see a movie.
- So what's wrong
with that?
- Debra's movie.
Yeah, the one with the mother
who has the disease
And the daughter who learns
to care about the mother
Who has the disease.
Yeah, yeah.
Huh, who wants to see
that sniffle bag?
I want to see the one,
The one with the guy
with the guns and the car chases
And the nudity
that has no meaning!
- I saw that one.
It was good.
- Sure, rub it in.
Why don't you spank a supermodel
in front of me?
- All right,
I'll see you later, ray.
- Yeah, all right,
if I'm allowed.
Just tell the world
I'm still in here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Doug.
- Hey, ray.
Saved the best for last.
- I can't believe it's you.
I was just hatin' you.
- Yeah, I get that a lot.
But I brought you the thing
you've been waiting for,
So how do you feel now?
- Oh, now I love you.
- Easy.
- Hey, you're off now,
right?
- Mm-hmm.
- Want to go play some golf?
- Oh, man, I would l--
oh, I can't.
I gotta get home.
Gotta go shopping
with my wife.
- Hey, auntie em.
Oh, yeah.
That smells good.
- Dinner will be ready
in a couple of minutes.
Can you open
that jar for me?
- [grunts]
there you go.
- Thanks.
Oh, and listen,
There's this big spider
up in the bathtub.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- I hope he's not using
all the hot water.
[both chuckle]
- I need you to kill him
for me later
'cause that's why
I keep you around here.
You want some water
with that?
- Yeah, all right.
Thank you.
- There you go,
bread and water.
A meal fit for a hostage.
- [laughs]
hostage.
Did robert tell ya
that I was--
- Amy told me.
- Amy?
- Yeah.
- Well,
how did she find out?
- She heard it from robert
Right before they broke up.
- Oh, my god.
They broke up?
Why?
I better get the bug.
- Sit down.
Who are you to give robert
Or anybody else, for
that matter, marital advice?
- I'm nobody.
I didn't.
What? What happened?
- Amy called me up cryin',
all upset.
She said robert
started acting all weird
When she tried to talk to him
about their future.
And when she finally
pinned him down,
He started in
with this prison talk.
That he could commit
to her just now.
- He broke up with--
- No, she broke up with him.
She's been going out
with him for two years,
And this is the return
she gets on her investment?
"oh, gee, things are
moving kind of fast.
Maybe we should pull back
and give each other some space."
- That sounds reasonable.
- It's not reasonable!
Do you know how hard
it is for a woman
To get a guy like robert
to commit?
And then you--
you come along,
His happily married
brother--
- Yes, yes, very happily.
- Yeah, yeah.
And instead of telling him
how lucky he is
To have amy at all
And how wonderful
marriage can be,
You dig him a hole
and read him his last rites!
- I didn't--
I didn't read him anything.
I was just--I was
making stuff up, that's all.
- Well,
what was this advice
That you gave him,
dr. Love?
- Nothing.
There was no advice.
He didn't come to me
for advice.
- So you just volunteered
these theories?
- I was just
waiting for curtains!
- This is what you think
of our marriage?
- No, no--
- yes, it is!
You wish you were
like robert.
- What?
- I remember you saying,
"oh, lucky robert.
Robert gets to golf
and blah, blah, blah, blah."
No wonder you said
all that stuff to him.
- I didn't--
I wasn't. I--
I was joking.
Honey.
Jokes.
Listen, okay,
I know what happened.
Robert tried
to do my jokes.
That's all.
Yeah.
You know, and he's not
really...Funny.
He's too big.
There's no lightness
about him.
You know, when I did it,
it was just--
It was funny and cute.
You would've laughed
at it, you know.
It was--you know,
"hey, hey, I'm a hostage!
"oh! Hey, oh.
"this is crazy.
This is crazy.
"what's going on?
I'm a hostage.
"hey!
"clinkity-clink-clink-clink.
Clinkity-clink-clink-clink.
"hey, whoa,
look at my beard!
My beard's so long."
All right,
it's not my funniest stuff.
You know,
it's not belly laughs.
It's just--it's more--
It's observational.
But not this,
not observing this.
Just things I've heard.
I...
I love you.
- Let go of me.
- No.
Ahh, witnesses.
You kill me,
you gotta kill them too.
- How dare you?
- Oh, boy.
- You just can't stop
ruining your brother's life,
Can you?
- I didn't do anything.
- First you drive him
out of my home.
Now you take away
my grandchildren.
- What?
- If you hadn't interfered,
They would've
gotten married,
And amy would've had
four children right away.
That's what
we talked about.
- She had good hips,
that one.
- I put two years
into that girl.
When I first met her,
she didn't even want children.
Now it's all gone
Because robbie
talked to this one.
- You've upset your mother.
She came to me
looking for comfort.
I'm not set up for that.
- I'm kidding.
I'm just kidding.
I was--I'm joking.
That's--
you know, men do that.
We joke around
about stuff like--
Like marriage,
right, dad?
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
- Come on.
Like how about
when you joke about
How you wish a tidal wave
Would come and sweep mom
out to sea?
- I have never been
more serious
About anything
in my entire life.
- This man
is a hostile witness.
Look, all right, look.
Just maybe it's not
a permanent thing.
Maybe they just--
they had a bad day.
Right? That happens.
Couples have bad days.
- You're about to have some.
- Hey.
I'm glad
you're all here together
Because I have
an announcement to make.
And you might as well
hear it from me.
Amy and I...
- We already heard
she dumped you.
- Look at him.
No wife,
no children.
Pathetic.
- Thanks for the kind words.
Uh, got some of
amy's stuff here.
I thought it'd be better
if you gave it to her.
- Robert, I think you
might've misunderstood ray
When he was talking to you.
Right, ray?
- Yes, that's it, ray.
Fix it.
Make him fix it, frank.
- Fix it.
Get your mother off my back.
- What are you
talking about?
- Robert...
How long have we
known each other?
- Just get to it.
- Look, the other day,
I guess you came over here
Looking for advice
about marriage,
And I wasn't really
talking to you, you know?
I was just kind of
being funny.
- When were you funny?
- You know, the hostage thing,
spanking a supermodel.
- What?
- But listen,
what I forgot to say
When I was telling all those
stupid, stupid jokes was--
Was all the good things
about marriage.
You know,
there's just so much good...
About this.
It's like
it's almost hard to start.
- Raymond, look--
- No, no,
I'm gonna get this.
Okay, here's something.
You know how
when you're sleeping
And you--you kind of
stop breathing?
When you're married,
There's always someone there
to nudge you alive.
All right, I don't know
what I'm talking about.
Look, look,
this is marriage.
You wake up in the morning,
and she's there.
You come home at night,
and she's there.
You eat, she's there.
You--you go to sleep,
there.
And I know that sounds
like a bad thing...
But it's not.
It's not.
Not if it's the--
if it's the right person.
Then it's good.
It's...Good.
It's really, really good.
- I would like
a minute for rebuttal.
- If I were you,
I wouldn't stop breathing
in my sleep.
- Okay, bad example.
But you know
what I'm saying, robert?
- Of course he does,
don't you, robbie?
- Sure.
Yeah, I understand.
I'll just call amy up,
And we'll get back together,
and we'll get married,
And we'll have
the four grandchildren,
And everyone will be happy.
- Great.
Who's hungry?
- I'm not doing that!
What do you think,
Just because raymond
says marriage is good,
That that's all I need?
Raymond is not the reason
amy and I broke up.
- But you and amy
were doing fine
Until he screwed things up.
- See? Always there.
- I don't need
any more advice, okay?
I have my own reasons
For not wanting
to get married just yet.
- All right, what?
- You really wanna know, ma?
Part of it is I've lived
with you for most of my life.
I've never been on my own.
And now I finally
get my own place,
And amy's already
bringing me plants.
I love amy,
but I'm not ready for plants.
- I think you're
being selfish, robbie.
- Good. It's about time.
'cause this is my life,
not yours, not yours, not yours,
And not even raymond's!
Raymond had nothing to do
with this decision.
I made it. Me.
And if you think
I made a mistake, I don't care!
That's right.
Because I'm in charge
of me now.
And now if you'll excuse me,
I'm going home to my home,
The crowne view apartments,
unit 9f!
It still says "chung"
on the buzzer downstairs,
But that's me!
- Do you see what you did?
- Hey, are you all right?
- No.
Amy--amy's my best friend,
and robert--
You know,
I introduced them.
I was gonna be matron of honor
at their wedding,
And they were gonna
toast me and...
Now they both hate me.
- Hey,
you did introduce them.
So if you think about it,
It's all really your fault.
- No, it's not.
- Look, I don't know
why you're mad at me.
I said some
very nice things today.
- [sighs]
you're right.
You were very touching.
You know, it is nice,
every once in a while,
For a wife to hear
that her husband
Wants to spank
a supermodel.
- I don't want to.
Sometimes they're naughty.
Why do you say it like
it's a negative thing?
Okay, okay.
I'm not that happy.
All right,
I'll see ya later, ma.
I mean...
[sounding dejected]
I'll see ya later, ma.
[jazzy swing music plays]
Take it, shamsky.
[knocking on door]
Just a minute.
- Happy new home!
- Hi, amy.
- Mmm, peanut butter.
- That's how I get shamsky
to kiss me.
Beat it, shamsky.
- I brought you a friend.
- Thank you.
And welcome to
the happiest place on earth.
- Look.
Look at the balcony
with the sliding doors.
- Yep, sliding doors.
Slide open, slide closed.
Whatever you want.
- Oh, robert, look at
the adorable dishwasher.
- Where? Oh.
- You know, I was starting
to think that this
Was never going
to happen.
- What?
- You moving out
of your parents' house
And everything finally
moving forward.
- Yeah, it's exciting.
You know what else
I need around here?
Ice cube trays.
- I'm talking about us, yogi.
The plan.
- Oh, right. Yeah.
- Hey, um, maybe the couch
should be facing the window.
What do you think?
- Uh...
I really don't like
facing the window.
You know, snipers.
And then it'd be hard
to see the tv.
- Oh, we're keeping the tv
in the living room?
- No, no.
That's just
where I set it down...
And plugged it in...
And hooked up the cable.
- You know what's really gonna
pull this room together?
Some nice curtains.
- Curtains.
- Yeah.
What's the matter?
- No, nothing.
Curtains.
You want curtains.
- But don't you want curtains?
I want you
to want to have curtains.
And aren't they going
to be our curtains?
After we...You know.
- Buy the curtains?
[knock at door]
- Hey.
- Oh, crap.
- Thanks.
You might want
to cinch that robe.
You got a little fruit
coming out of the loom.
- I can't go.
- That's okay.
I'm not in the mood for golf.
Mind if I hang out
for a little while?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Then I can
take a shower at least.
- I was gonna say...
- Well, I haven't
had a chance
Because I've been waiting
all day
For debra's damn curtains!
- Curtains.
What is it
with the curtains?
Amy's got a thing
with the curtains, too.
What's with the curtains?
- Oh, tell me about it.
I'm sitting here
in my own filth for three hours
Waiting for curtains
While debra's off
at all kinds of parties.
- Parties?
- Yeah, yeah,
this is my life now.
I'm a hostage.
I'm trapped inside
these four...
All the walls
here in this area!
- What do you mean "hostage"?
- I'm a hostage! Look at me.
I'm trying to blink you
a message.
Huh?
- Come on,
what are you saying?
You're not happy?
- I'm happy.
I'm as happy
as she lets me be.
I sleep
when she lets me sleep.
I eat
what she lets me eat.
The only reason
she keeps me alive
Is to open jars
and kill bugs.
- I know you, raymond.
You wouldn't trade this
for anything.
- I'll trade it all right now
for a pack of cigarettes.
- All right, I can see
I caught you on a bad day.
- Oh, it's every day.
- Every day?
I was at your wedding.
I was there when you
brought home your little girl,
Your twin boys.
- Yeah, okay,
there's some perks.
That's how they hook you.
You know what I'm doing
tomorrow night?
I'm going to see a movie.
- So what's wrong
with that?
- Debra's movie.
Yeah, the one with the mother
who has the disease
And the daughter who learns
to care about the mother
Who has the disease.
Yeah, yeah.
Huh, who wants to see
that sniffle bag?
I want to see the one,
The one with the guy
with the guns and the car chases
And the nudity
that has no meaning!
- I saw that one.
It was good.
- Sure, rub it in.
Why don't you spank a supermodel
in front of me?
- All right,
I'll see you later, ray.
- Yeah, all right,
if I'm allowed.
Just tell the world
I'm still in here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Doug.
- Hey, ray.
Saved the best for last.
- I can't believe it's you.
I was just hatin' you.
- Yeah, I get that a lot.
But I brought you the thing
you've been waiting for,
So how do you feel now?
- Oh, now I love you.
- Easy.
- Hey, you're off now,
right?
- Mm-hmm.
- Want to go play some golf?
- Oh, man, I would l--
oh, I can't.
I gotta get home.
Gotta go shopping
with my wife.
- Hey, auntie em.
Oh, yeah.
That smells good.
- Dinner will be ready
in a couple of minutes.
Can you open
that jar for me?
- [grunts]
there you go.
- Thanks.
Oh, and listen,
There's this big spider
up in the bathtub.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- I hope he's not using
all the hot water.
[both chuckle]
- I need you to kill him
for me later
'cause that's why
I keep you around here.
You want some water
with that?
- Yeah, all right.
Thank you.
- There you go,
bread and water.
A meal fit for a hostage.
- [laughs]
hostage.
Did robert tell ya
that I was--
- Amy told me.
- Amy?
- Yeah.
- Well,
how did she find out?
- She heard it from robert
Right before they broke up.
- Oh, my god.
They broke up?
Why?
I better get the bug.
- Sit down.
Who are you to give robert
Or anybody else, for
that matter, marital advice?
- I'm nobody.
I didn't.
What? What happened?
- Amy called me up cryin',
all upset.
She said robert
started acting all weird
When she tried to talk to him
about their future.
And when she finally
pinned him down,
He started in
with this prison talk.
That he could commit
to her just now.
- He broke up with--
- No, she broke up with him.
She's been going out
with him for two years,
And this is the return
she gets on her investment?
"oh, gee, things are
moving kind of fast.
Maybe we should pull back
and give each other some space."
- That sounds reasonable.
- It's not reasonable!
Do you know how hard
it is for a woman
To get a guy like robert
to commit?
And then you--
you come along,
His happily married
brother--
- Yes, yes, very happily.
- Yeah, yeah.
And instead of telling him
how lucky he is
To have amy at all
And how wonderful
marriage can be,
You dig him a hole
and read him his last rites!
- I didn't--
I didn't read him anything.
I was just--I was
making stuff up, that's all.
- Well,
what was this advice
That you gave him,
dr. Love?
- Nothing.
There was no advice.
He didn't come to me
for advice.
- So you just volunteered
these theories?
- I was just
waiting for curtains!
- This is what you think
of our marriage?
- No, no--
- yes, it is!
You wish you were
like robert.
- What?
- I remember you saying,
"oh, lucky robert.
Robert gets to golf
and blah, blah, blah, blah."
No wonder you said
all that stuff to him.
- I didn't--
I wasn't. I--
I was joking.
Honey.
Jokes.
Listen, okay,
I know what happened.
Robert tried
to do my jokes.
That's all.
Yeah.
You know, and he's not
really...Funny.
He's too big.
There's no lightness
about him.
You know, when I did it,
it was just--
It was funny and cute.
You would've laughed
at it, you know.
It was--you know,
"hey, hey, I'm a hostage!
"oh! Hey, oh.
"this is crazy.
This is crazy.
"what's going on?
I'm a hostage.
"hey!
"clinkity-clink-clink-clink.
Clinkity-clink-clink-clink.
"hey, whoa,
look at my beard!
My beard's so long."
All right,
it's not my funniest stuff.
You know,
it's not belly laughs.
It's just--it's more--
It's observational.
But not this,
not observing this.
Just things I've heard.
I...
I love you.
- Let go of me.
- No.
Ahh, witnesses.
You kill me,
you gotta kill them too.
- How dare you?
- Oh, boy.
- You just can't stop
ruining your brother's life,
Can you?
- I didn't do anything.
- First you drive him
out of my home.
Now you take away
my grandchildren.
- What?
- If you hadn't interfered,
They would've
gotten married,
And amy would've had
four children right away.
That's what
we talked about.
- She had good hips,
that one.
- I put two years
into that girl.
When I first met her,
she didn't even want children.
Now it's all gone
Because robbie
talked to this one.
- You've upset your mother.
She came to me
looking for comfort.
I'm not set up for that.
- I'm kidding.
I'm just kidding.
I was--I'm joking.
That's--
you know, men do that.
We joke around
about stuff like--
Like marriage,
right, dad?
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
- Come on.
Like how about
when you joke about
How you wish a tidal wave
Would come and sweep mom
out to sea?
- I have never been
more serious
About anything
in my entire life.
- This man
is a hostile witness.
Look, all right, look.
Just maybe it's not
a permanent thing.
Maybe they just--
they had a bad day.
Right? That happens.
Couples have bad days.
- You're about to have some.
- Hey.
I'm glad
you're all here together
Because I have
an announcement to make.
And you might as well
hear it from me.
Amy and I...
- We already heard
she dumped you.
- Look at him.
No wife,
no children.
Pathetic.
- Thanks for the kind words.
Uh, got some of
amy's stuff here.
I thought it'd be better
if you gave it to her.
- Robert, I think you
might've misunderstood ray
When he was talking to you.
Right, ray?
- Yes, that's it, ray.
Fix it.
Make him fix it, frank.
- Fix it.
Get your mother off my back.
- What are you
talking about?
- Robert...
How long have we
known each other?
- Just get to it.
- Look, the other day,
I guess you came over here
Looking for advice
about marriage,
And I wasn't really
talking to you, you know?
I was just kind of
being funny.
- When were you funny?
- You know, the hostage thing,
spanking a supermodel.
- What?
- But listen,
what I forgot to say
When I was telling all those
stupid, stupid jokes was--
Was all the good things
about marriage.
You know,
there's just so much good...
About this.
It's like
it's almost hard to start.
- Raymond, look--
- No, no,
I'm gonna get this.
Okay, here's something.
You know how
when you're sleeping
And you--you kind of
stop breathing?
When you're married,
There's always someone there
to nudge you alive.
All right, I don't know
what I'm talking about.
Look, look,
this is marriage.
You wake up in the morning,
and she's there.
You come home at night,
and she's there.
You eat, she's there.
You--you go to sleep,
there.
And I know that sounds
like a bad thing...
But it's not.
It's not.
Not if it's the--
if it's the right person.
Then it's good.
It's...Good.
It's really, really good.
- I would like
a minute for rebuttal.
- If I were you,
I wouldn't stop breathing
in my sleep.
- Okay, bad example.
But you know
what I'm saying, robert?
- Of course he does,
don't you, robbie?
- Sure.
Yeah, I understand.
I'll just call amy up,
And we'll get back together,
and we'll get married,
And we'll have
the four grandchildren,
And everyone will be happy.
- Great.
Who's hungry?
- I'm not doing that!
What do you think,
Just because raymond
says marriage is good,
That that's all I need?
Raymond is not the reason
amy and I broke up.
- But you and amy
were doing fine
Until he screwed things up.
- See? Always there.
- I don't need
any more advice, okay?
I have my own reasons
For not wanting
to get married just yet.
- All right, what?
- You really wanna know, ma?
Part of it is I've lived
with you for most of my life.
I've never been on my own.
And now I finally
get my own place,
And amy's already
bringing me plants.
I love amy,
but I'm not ready for plants.
- I think you're
being selfish, robbie.
- Good. It's about time.
'cause this is my life,
not yours, not yours, not yours,
And not even raymond's!
Raymond had nothing to do
with this decision.
I made it. Me.
And if you think
I made a mistake, I don't care!
That's right.
Because I'm in charge
of me now.
And now if you'll excuse me,
I'm going home to my home,
The crowne view apartments,
unit 9f!
It still says "chung"
on the buzzer downstairs,
But that's me!
- Do you see what you did?
- Hey, are you all right?
- No.
Amy--amy's my best friend,
and robert--
You know,
I introduced them.
I was gonna be matron of honor
at their wedding,
And they were gonna
toast me and...
Now they both hate me.
- Hey,
you did introduce them.
So if you think about it,
It's all really your fault.
- No, it's not.
- Look, I don't know
why you're mad at me.
I said some
very nice things today.
- [sighs]
you're right.
You were very touching.
You know, it is nice,
every once in a while,
For a wife to hear
that her husband
Wants to spank
a supermodel.
- I don't want to.
Sometimes they're naughty.