Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 3, Episode 8 - The Article - full transcript

Ray becomes jealous when Andy's article gets published in "Sports Illustrated".

- Don't read at the table.

- Hey, I'm reading that!

I didn't finish that!
- No.

- [muttering]

- And stop playing
with your hair.

You're going
to make it fall out.

- You can stop worrying
about my hair,

'cause I'm gonna shave
the rest of it off.

- What?

- That's right.
I'm shaving my head today.

- Oh, that's asinine.



- It's not asinine.
It's hip.

- Hey.
We're out of milk.

- Help yourself.

You want
to hear the latest?

Your father wants
to shave his head.

- Why don't you just
stick your head

Out of the car window?

- Where's my razor?

- Oh, sit down!

We do not shave
our heads in this house.

- It's my house and my head!

- I'm not gonna be seen
with you like that.

- Another advantage!

- I'm hiding
all the razors.



- You're not going
to shave your head.

- Of course not.

I just want
to read the paper.

[jazz piano music]

- Hey.

- So did you read my thing?

- The article?
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give me a second.
- Okay.

Pretty good
for a first try, huh?

Did you see the point
I was trying to make?

- Do you see the coffee
I'm trying to make?

All right, go.

I'll be right there.
Go.

- Okay.
All right.

Hi.

All right.
So how are you?

How's everybody?
Glad to hear it--

What do you think?

- Okay.

Ahh.

- Ah ha-ha!
You're drinking it now.

Very funny!

You are hilarious!

What a funny friend I have!

Talk to me!

- I like it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I just--I have
some minor, minor things.

- Oh, god.

I'm going to be a stat guy
for the rest of my life.

- Stop it, all right?
It's very good.

- Don't say that!

What do you think
"very good" means?

- Very bad!

- Do you want my notes
or not?

- Yes!
- All right.

- Oh, my god!

Look at all the red marks!

This is a mob hit!

Andy, if you weren't
my friend,

I'd say, "it's great,"
and just walk away.

- Yes!
Do that!

- Listen, listen.

What separates the men
from the boys

Is the willingness
to take notes,

Rewrite,
and make it better.

Okay?

I'm giving you the key
to the mint here.

- All right.

Go ahead.
I can take it.

I want it.

Give me the key
to the mint.

- All right, look.

Right here, you get
a little repetitive.

- Oh, oh.

I get it, I get it,
I get it, I get it, I get it.

Thanks.

- Okay, now, here...

- There's more?

- Yeah.

- Can we take a break?

- I'm just getting started.

Don't you want
to hear this?

- I just--
I just need a moment.

- Andy?

- I said a moment!

- Hey, deb,
where's my toothbrush?

- Oh, I threw
the old ones out.

I got a bunch of new ones

When I took the kids
to the dentist today.

- So which one's mine?

- The red.

- I don't want to be red.

- Take the blue one.

- The blue one is--
is wet.

- I just used it.

- Ew!

- You know, ray,
I use the soap in there too.

- Not my soap.

I have no toiletries.

- Oh, would you please?
All right?

I already had
to deal with three maniac kids

At the dentist today.

By the end of it,
I needed the novocain.

I couldn't believe
geoffrey.

- Yeah, well,
I had a bad day too, okay?

I had to talk to andy
about his article.

- Oh, well,
that must have been awful.

Sitting and talking
with an adult.

Jeez.
You should have seen it.

Michael gets
into the chair--

- It was awful, okay?

You know how andy
wants to be a writer,

So I got to help him.

- Ray, I'm trying
to tell you something here.

- Okay, but, you know,
I read his stuff,

And then I got
to think about it,

And then I got to make notes
on his stupid thing.

- Maybe it was your attitude.

- What attitude?

- "his stupid thing"?

Did you call his article
a stupid thing?

- Not to him.

To him, I said
it was very good.

- Oh, god.
- What?

- "very good," hmm?

Yeah, I know what
"very good" means.

What did you say
about my stir-fry last night?

- That was very good.

Mm-mm, good.

- Yeah.

Nice try.

I'm just saying it probably
meant a lot to andy

To get your feedback,
and, you know,

Maybe you could have been
a little bit nicer.

- Hey, you weren't there, okay?
I was very nice.

I tried to give him
the key to the mint.

- The key to the mint?

Oh, you didn't say that,
did you?

- It's an expression.

- Oh, and you are the keeper
of the key to the mint?

- No, I-I...

I happen
to have one of the keys.

Listen, I was very nice.

- Oh, is that
the tone you used?

- There was no tone.

- That's tone right there.

- Yes, with you, I'm having tone
right now, okay?

But with andy,
I was very nice.

I was very understanding,
very patient.

And then he embarrasses me
by crying.

- You made him cry?

Ray!

- He wasn't crying crying.

He was just kind of
breathing hard and shuddering.

Oh, it was--

Everybody
was looking at us.

- Oh, I'm so sorry

You had to sit next
to your crying friend.

- Listen, it's a lot harder
to watch the person in pain

Than it is to be
the person in pain.

- You said that to me
when I was in labor.

- You were screaming.

I'm surprised
you heard that.

- Poor andy.

Why do you think
he gave you his article?

- Because I'm a sucker.

- Because he looks up to you
and respects you,

And whatever you say to him,
he's going to listen to.

- Yeah, he didn't listen
when I told him to stop crying.

- Listen, you know,
you're very successful

And he's
just starting out.

And you really have to try
to go out of your way

To be very encouraging
to him and kind.

Listen, you got
to understand

That other people
have feelings too.

- All right!

- Now can I finish telling you
what happened to me today?

- What happened
to you today?

- At the dentist!

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go.

- Michael gets in the chair,

And the other two
want to get in first,

So that's when
the fighting starts.

So dr. Gibbons gets up
and tries to turn on

The choo-choo train.

That's when geoffrey
kicks him

The kids and dr. Gibbons,
the hygienist--

- Oh, no.

- That's right.

I have a dentist
appointment next week.

- [sighs]

- What?

I listened.

- Hey.

- Hey, I want to talk
to you about the article.

- Oh, yeah.
Listen, listen.

Listen, last week
when I gave you the notes,

I think maybe
I wasn't really thinking

About your feelings
or whatever.

- No.

No, no.

I wanted to thank you.
I didn't take it very well.

- No, no, no.
You were fine.

And your article's
really good.

And I wanted to tell you
that you should stick with it

And, you know, I'll help you
however I can.

- Well, here's the good news.
You don't have to.

"sports illustrated"
bought it!

- What?

- I sent it over there
and they bought it!

They're going
to print it!

Can you believe it?
Ha-ha!

Yeah!

- Wow.

So I guess--

I mean, debra thought
that I wasn't being encouraging,

But I guess--I guess
whatever I did kind of helped.

- Yes, yes.

In a way, yes.

- What do you mean?

- Well, I didn't exactly
take your notes.

I mean, I went home,
and I thought about it,

And I decided I liked
the way I had it,

And I sent it.

- [chuckles]

[chuckles nervously]
oh.

How about that?
Imagine that, man.

- But thanks anyway.
Your notes were very good.

Here's your mail.

- Very nice.
Very nice.

Very nice.

- Here's your
"sports illustrated."

- Very nice.

- Wait a minute.
What was that?

- Oh, uh,
I don't like it anymore.

- So you're giving up
reading altogether?

- I still have cereal boxes,

Unless count chocula
suddenly lowers his standards.

- Do you want to tell me
what's going on here?

"sports illustrated"
used to be good.

Now it's bad.

They have no credibility,
no taste.

- Oh, ray,

Did "sports illustrated"
reject you again?

- No.

As a matter of fact, I'm proud
of those rejections now,

'cause that rag
is amateur-ville, jack.

They're publishing
andy's thing.

- Oh, that's great!

- [mimicking debra]
no, it's not!

- But, ray,
you should be happy--

Oh, my gosh--
'cause you helped him.

Oh, oh, oh.

He didn't take
your notes, did he?

Ray?

How did he get into the mint
without your key?

- He knows the janitor.

- You can't even enjoy
his success.

- I'm enjoying it, okay?

It's just that
when that piece of crap

Comes out
in "sports illustrated,"

Andy's going
to be impossible.

- Ha.

'cause he might think
he's a real writer?

- Yeah.

- And he might get
full of himself?

- Right.

- And he might think
he's as good as you?

- You don't understand.
- I understand.

Today was all about andy
and it wasn't about you.

- No, no, no, no.

- Yeah.
Come on, admit it.

You're a little
self-centered.

- Self-centered?

- Yeah.

All you can see is how
this news affects you.

And can I tell you
something?

This isn't just with andy.

- Where is this coming from?

- It's coming from those of us
orbiting around you.

- You think
I'm self-centered?

Me? Me? Me?

You know, I work hard.

I try to make enough money
to feed this family.

I have to put up with friends
who ask my advice

And then ignore
what I tell them.

- Daddy.

- Then I put up with traffic.

Then I have to come home...

- Daddy!

- And explain myself
to a wife

Who thinks I'm
this self-centered guy...

- Daddy!

- Which makes me think that--

I hear her!

What is it, honey?

- I have a thousand pennies.

- Did you see that daddy
was talking, sweetie?

And I would love to see
those pennies later, okay?

Give me a kiss.

Huh?

- No reading.

- Hey, hey.
What are you doing there?

- I'm cutting
an english muffin.

- You don't cut it.
You use a fork.

- You don't use a fork
to cut things.

- Not to cut.
To split.

- What?

- Yeah, it says it
right on the wrapper there.

Look at it--
"fork split."

Fork.
With a fork.

- All that means is,
they've split it with a fork

At the factory.

- If they split it
at the factory,

It would be open already,

And I wouldn't have
to talk to you.

- Do you want this or not?

- Not now.

Look what you've done
with your knife.

Not only have you
killed the crannies,

You smushed them
into the nooks.

- I'm going to smush you
into a nook.

- Hey.

- Oh, hi, dear.
You want an english muffin?

- Don't do it.
It's cut!

- Oh, stop.

Raymond, when they say
on the box "fork split,"

Doesn't that mean they've
started it for you already,

You know, like,
in the factory with a fork?

- Do you have any
unopened toothbrushes?

- Of course.
You need a toothbrush?

- A blue medium, right?
- Right.

- Robbie!

- Ma, robbie moved out.

- What, ma?

- He still has to do laundry.

- Robbie,
go into the cabinet

And take out a new,
blue medium toothbrush

For your brother.

- The blue mediums are mine.

I'm taking 'em with me.

- Robbie!

I said get a blue medium
toothbrush for your brother

And bring it down right now.

- All right!

- I am not eating that.

- Eat that damn muffin.

- Hey, am I catching you
at a bad time here?

- No, dear.
We're just having breakfast.

- Here you go.

- That's yellow.

- Oh.

- Ma.

- I said a blue toothbrush,
robbie.

- Why does it
have to be blue?

- 'cause that's
what I wanted.

- What about what
somebody else wants?

Do you ever think
about anyone else?

- Have you been talking
to debra about me?

- No, I've been talking
to debra about andy.

I hear he got into
"sports illustrated."

- Wow.
That's national.

- Oh, yes, it is, daddy.

And correct me
if I'm wrong, raymond,

But hasn't that been
a lifelong dream of yours,

To get into
"sports illustrated"?

How's it feel?

- Listen, I'm happy
for andy, okay?

I'm not self-centered.

[laughter]

What? What?
What are you laughing at?

- Not self-centered?

Hey, I love you like a son,

But you always were
a pig for attention.

- Yeah, even as a baby,
you would cry and cry and cry.

[imitates baby crying]

"look at me.
I got colic!"

[imitates baby crying]

- Yeah, yeah.

Or how about every time
you walk in the door,

You know, there's always
a reason.

"I got married.
I got kids.

I got to have
a blue medium toothbrush."

- You--you're wrong.

- Yeah, when do you ever
come over just to say hello?

- The hello is implied.

Mom, am I self-centered?

- Of course you are, dear.

- Aha!

- But you have
every right to be.

You're very special.

- Here we go.
All aboard!

- You are handsome.
You're charming.

You're successful.

You're a marvelous father

And a beautiful son.

- And you wonder how you
turned out self-centered.

- You're the one
who's self-centered.

I slave over those muffins,

And you don't even have
the decency to eat it

Because they're not
sliced right.

- How about you?

I got to eat my muffin
your way!

- No, you go upstairs and get
your brother a blue toothbrush.

They're not all for you.

- Oh, what are you saying?
I'm self-centered now?

- You?
- Oh!

- Definitely!

"I can't buy clothes
where normal people buy clothes.

"I need my own apartment.

Everyone shoots at me!"

- You're the one
that's self-centered.

[overlapping arguing]

- Thank you.
Hey, I understand now.

I can live with yellow.

[arguing continues]

The good-bye is implied!

- Hey, "sports illustrated,"
huh?

- Nah, forget about
"sports illustrated."

They rewrote
my whole article.

- The whole thing?

- The whole thing.

So they must have
liked something.

- Apparently they liked
that it was about sports.

They just didn't like
the words I picked

Or the order
I put them in.

- Man, that stinks.

But you know what?
Well, who needs them, right?

Look, you did a good job,

And you should keep at it,
and I'm here for you.

- Thanks, ray.
- Yeah.

- I should have listened
to you.

A lot of what those guys
had problems with

Was exactly what
you had problems with.

- Yeah--
oh, yeah?

The "sports illustrated"
guys, yeah?

They had the same problems?

Yeah.
What did you do?

Did you mention
that I gave you the notes?

- I might have.

- Yeah.
They know who I am, right?

I mean, do they know
who I am?

- Maybe.
I don't know.

- What did they say, though,
when you mentioned me?

- I'm not sure, ray.
I was kind of crying.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry.

You weren't crying when
you mentioned me, were you?

- What the hell happened here?

- Fork split.