Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Sitter - full transcript
Ray and Debra hire the perfect babysitter.
- Hey, teletubby.
Whoa, what happened here?
- What happened?
Nothing happened, okay?
Today happened.
Because of this nightmare I had
at the supermarket.
I mean, I'm dealing
with the kids,
You know, and they're just
taking stuff off the shelves,
And then they're opening
and eating things
And sticking it back anywhere.
No, and then...
They pulled down
the salsa display.
[imitates explosion]
You know?
And they're swimming in it.
Do you know how embarrassing
that is to hear over the p.A.?
"mrs. Barone, would you
please remove your children
From ethnic foods?"
- Huh.
So we have salsa?
- We have nothing, ray.
I had to leave in shame.
- So did you go
to the bank?
- I did not get
to the bank, ray!
No, because the kids
Were a little too picante,
you know?
You know,
it's just impossible
To get things done
when I'm with them.
You need some real help
around here.
- Oh, lisa,
I am so sorry I'm late.
The mall
was an absolute zoo.
But I can get
dinner together.
Oh, wow.
Oh, you--
you have it covered.
- Yeah, when we finished
picking up the toys,
They said they were hungry,
so I just fed them.
I hope that was okay.
- Uh, yeah!
Oh, michael,
are you eating carrots?
- Not carrots,
power sticks.
Very popular
at space station barone.
- Oh, right.
- Look, mommy.
- Oh!
- Face paints.
Is that okay?
- Oh, yeah, that's great.
That's just the disguise
we need to get back
Into the grocery store.
You guys look great.
- Hey.
- Hi, daddy.
- Hey, twinkle,
hey, stinky.
Hey--oh, I don't have
a name for you.
- Ray, this is lisa.
Lisa!
- Oh, lisa,
Hi, hi,
how are you?
- I'm fine.
- What's going on here?
It's all nice.
- Yeah.
- I know, I know,
well, listen,
It seems lisa here has made
A pact with the devil.
- Where do I sign?
[laughter]
- Isn't she fantastic?
- Seems great.
She used to work
for the mccormicks,
But they put katie
in day care.
So I knew I had to move
really fast,
Because the parkers
were eyeing her.
- Screw the parkers.
- Yeah, exactly.
- She's ours.
- Come on, guys.
Let's go finish
that story.
Whoo-hoo!
- Hey, you know,
since lisa has things covered,
Maybe we could go out
and get something to eat.
- Oh, well,
I think we, we probably
should let lisa go, so--
- Oh, I can stay
if you want.
It's no problem.
- Let's get out of here.
- God, no.
Really?
What should--
How should we get--
where's our passports?
- Now, listen,
kids,
Lisa's gonna
put you to bed, okay?
Mom and dad are going
to get something to eat.
Bye.
- This is gonna be--
- Hi!
Where are you
off to?
- We were just thinking about
getting something to eat.
- Oh, good,
come on over.
I made veal cutlets.
- No, no, no, ma.
It's all right.
- Oh, hello.
- Hi.
- I'm marie.
- I'm lisa.
- Lisa?
- Mm-hmm.
Hi.
- Lisa's our...
- No.
- Babysitter.
- [groans]
- Your babysitter?
- We were out the door.
- Yeah, I-I thought that--
- Gee, my phone must've
been off the hook,
'cause I was home all day.
- Yeah, uh, lisa,
you know what?
You should go.
- What? Ray.
- Are you sure?
Because I don't mind staying.
- No, no. It's okay;
you know what?
We're gonna--we're gonna stay
now, so here you go.
- Oh, your wife
paid me al--
- Be-be-be-be!
Okay?
So thanks for stopping by.
- So I guess
I'll see you tomorrow.
- Ah!
- You hired a babysitter.
- Well, you know,
to tell you the truth, she's--
She's really good
with young kids
'cause she's an early
education major.
And I-I just thought
she'd give us
A little more flexibility.
You know,
of course, marie,
We would--
we'd call you first.
But we just--
We didn't want
to keep taking advantage
Of the fact that you live
right across the street
Because, I mean,
that's not really fair to you.
Right?
Because
you have things to do.
I mean, you--
you have a life.
- I think
that's very considerate.
I appreciate
your thinking about me.
Thank you.
- Yeah, sure, great!
Because, you know--
oh, you're welcome.
Because, uh--you know, we didn't
want you to think--
- Hey, mom, the cutlets
smell great.
I turned the heat
down for you.
- Don't tell me how to cook!
I know how to cook!
I'm not that old!
And who are you
to turn down my meat?
[door slams]
- Oh, my god.
I covered
her mashed potatoes.
[all shouting]
- Hi, everybody!
Mommy's home!
- Hi, mrs. Barone.
- Hi, hi, kids!
- Oh, they're hiding
from the alien.
- Oh, don't worry.
I'll protect you.
- You're not playing,
mommy.
Come on, lisa,
Keep playing.
- Okay, okay,
only for another minute.
[laughing and squealing]
- Okay, okay, come on, kids,
'cause lisa's gotta go back
to her own planet, so--
- We want lisa to stay.
- Yeah, but I'm
gonna make you dinner.
- We're not hungry.
- Well, I'm gonna
make you fish sticks.
And then we're
gonna take a bath,
And then mommy's gonna
read you a story, so come on.
- We don't want you.
We want lisa!
We want lisa!
[all giggling and screaming]
[screaming, laughter]
- I've got cookies.
- Totally out.
Oh, boy,
Lisa gets 'em tired.
She's amazing, huh?
This is great,
isn't it?
- What?
- What?
It's 8:30, and we're not
completely exhausted.
Hey, have you noticed
since lisa started
That--that we've
had a lot of time for...
[singing]
hava
Nagila
Hava
Nagila
- Yeah, yeah.
- Come on, we've--
we've gotten to
Hav a lot of nagila.
- You know, I don't think
I'm gonna have lisa sit
for us anymore.
- What?
No.
Listen, I never
think of her, ever.
- Ugh, no.
Idiot.
God.
No, I-I was
just thinking--
I don't know, leaving the kids
with a sitter so much,
It just--
it feels wrong.
- Wrong?
What--
It gives us more time
to love each other.
And if loving you
is wrong...
Baby, I don't want
to be right.
- Well, it just doesn't
feel right to me.
- Come on,
she's a great babysitter.
It's what we
always dreamed of.
Come on.
Look, because of her,
you got nail polish on.
Don't you love that?
I love it.
Look at the little piggies.
Wee, wee, wee!
- Stop it!
You don't care
about nail polish.
- I know, but...
You want to go back
to the way it was,
With the kids
covered in salsa
And you wanting me
to help?
That's--
I mean, that's--
that's no kind of life.
- No, but...
Ray, look,
they are only young once.
This is our only chance
to enjoy this age.
- Well, what about my age?
I mean, when do we get
to enjoy my age?
- All right, okay,
I mean, if we--
If we have to leave
the kids with somebody,
Then, you know,
maybe it should be your mom.
Because after all,
she is family.
Think of how you mom must feel
with this.
You know, she comes over here,
And she sees geoffrey
and michael and ally
Playing
with some stranger,
And they're having
so much more fun with her
Than they ever had
with...Her.
- Okay, okay,
we'll get my mom then.
Look, the bottom line is--
is...
Quality time,
that's all.
And by quality time,
of course, I mean...
[singing, off-key]
lovin' you
Is easy 'cause
you're beautiful
And every day
that we
Ooh
I'm more
in love with you
- Okay, thank you.
[laughs]
- La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
- Listen,
thanks again, marie.
I'm just gonna do
a little shopping with ray.
- I'm sorry the situation
with the girl didn't work out.
She seemed sweet,
But children watching
children...
- Ally, honey, come on.
Okay, well, I really
appreciate this.
- Please, you know
how I love doing this.
And I don't want you
to think
That you even
have to apologize.
- [chuckles]
I'm sorry, marie.
- Oh, that is
so unnecessary.
Just knowing
you feel bad is enough for me.
- There you are.
- When is lisa coming?
- Honey, I told you.
Lisa's not coming today.
Grandma's babysitting
today.
Does grandma know how
to play space station?
- Yes, she does!
[laughs]
Well, sweetheart, say good-bye
to mommy, and then we'll play.
- Mommy, I want
to go with you.
- Oh, oh, honey.
Oh, I love you!
Okay, well, I'll
be home real soon, okay?
I'll see you later.
Mommy loves you.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!
Oh, yeah!
- So maybe we can go
to a movie later.
That'd be great.
- Jeez-a-loo,
it's about time!
- Ma!
- Oh, marie,
what happened?
- What's goin' on?
- We were doing
that crazy game
That the girl
taught the kids.
And someone had allowed
Toys to be in the middle
of the floor,
And I tripped.
- Oh, my god.
What can I do?
- Do you have a lawyer?
- You're gonna sue us, dad?
- Not you.
Your insurance company.
We split it.
- Yeah.
Where are the children?
- They're in ally's room.
I didn't want them
to see me like this.
- Oh, my.
Marie, I--
god, I feel terrible.
- Here we go.
I'm here for you, ma.
I told nemo you were hurt.
He threw in some
free breadsticks.
- Ooh, these seem old.
- You are what you eat.
- Oh.
Robbie,
Give you father his order
of miserable bastard.
- Come on, ma.
Let's get you
in your own bed.
Dad, give us a hand.
Come on.
- You know, it might be easier
if we just switch houses.
- Oh, frank!
Can you help, please?
- Coming, sunshine.
- Marie, I am so sorry.
You just--
If there's anything you need,
you just let me know.
- Nice.
- Hey, they left
the breadsticks.
- She is really hurt.
I am such a jerk.
- You left some toys around.
What?
It happens.
- [whimpering]
- What? No, what?
Please stop.
I didn't mean
you left 'em around.
They got left around.
Come on.
The kids probably left 'em.
Stinkin' kids.
- No, ray, it's my fault.
- No, no, it isn't.
- Yes, it is,
'cause I set her up.
I just couldn't stand
how much the kids
Wanted to be with lisa,
So I got your mom
to babysit so it...
Wouldn't go as well.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You told a perfectly
nice girl not to come,
Because you thought
the kids liked her too much?
- [tearfully]
mm-hmm.
- And then you--
you brought in old yeller
To make yourself
feel better?
- Yes.
I'm terrible.
I'm this evil person.
- I love this!
And then the toys,
The booby-trapping
with the toys--
- I didn't do that!
- You know what the beautiful
thing is here?
Whenever I do something
conniv-y like this,
You always look at me like,
"how could you do that?"
When what you're
really thinking is,
"how do you do that?"
Ohh!
I'm proud of you.
- Would you stop that?
- Will you--come on.
You don't have to compete
with some babysitter.
You're mommy, huh?
The kids love mommy.
Every time I want to do
something with them,
They always yell,
"we'd rather have mommy!"
- Oh, yeah, right,
they yell that.
- Yeah, "we prefer mommy!"
"all things being equal,
where's mommy?"
- Shut up.
- Come on, you're--
you're number one.
You're better than
any babysitter.
And you deserve
some free time,
Quality time.
[singing shrilly]
la, la, la, la, la
- Okay.
You're right.
- Of course.
- Thanks.
Oh, crap!
- What?
- What are we gonna do
about a babysitter?
- You're gonna call lisa.
- I let lisa go.
- What, for good?
- Well, we didn't
need her anymore.
We had your mom.
- What did you do?
She's out there!
Now she's a free agent!
- I don't know what I did
with her number.
- Don't say that!
You should know the number!
How come
it's not on speed dial?
Call up the parkers.
No, don't call the parkers.
Oh, man, the parkers!
- Here, here!
Here's her number.
- You and your
stupid insecurity.
- Would you just dial
the phone, please?
- It's busy!
[loud, elaborate chiming]
Parkers.
- Who is it?
- [disguises voice]
pizza.
- Mr. Barone.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi. [laughs]
- Your mom told me
that you were here
Babysitting
for the parkers,
And I thought
I'd bring you by a pizza.
You know, I know that
They're into
that healthy stuff here,
And that's gotta blow,
am I right?
Yeah.
Anyway, so this is it.
A big fat,
juicy pizza.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Yeah, hmm.
We miss you over there--
- oh.
- Me and debra
and the kids.
Oh, the kids.
You should see their sad little
unpainted faces.
- But your wife
said that they--
- Don't worry about my wife.
My wife says
A lot of things, you know?
She does.
Between you and me,
she's a little bit...
Fing! Ehhh!
Yeah, yeah.
But she's okay now.
- Oh.
- Yeah, she's okay.
We just--
we want you back.
- Ohh!
Um...
The parkers offered me
four days a week.
- We'll give you six.
- Well, I kind of
promised the parkers.
- Listen, I've known the parkers
for a long time.
We're in the car pool
with our kids together,
And we're
very good friends.
They don't care
about you.
They don't.
They find
somebody cheaper,
They drop you
like a stone.
- Lisa--
- She's busy.
- I'd better go.
- Listen, listen, listen,
That six days
that I'm talking about--
That's unlimited fridge,
the phone,
The boyfriends,
smoking, I don't care.
- Okay, I couldn't even do
six days a week.
I have school.
- School?
Let me tell you a little
something about school.
- Hey, barone.
- Hey, parkers.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
Hey, nancy.
- Carrie.
- Carrie.
- I think you better
get out of here.
- Why?
It's a free country.
- I know what you're
doing, barone.
- Listen, lisa, whatever
they're giving you,
I'm gonna give you
double, lisa!
You can do--
I have cable.
I have everything!
- You're out of
the car pool.
- No!
[door closes]
No, no,
not the car pool!
I need it!
I can't--I can't
drive with kids!
[whining]
my life, my life.
It's falling apart.
Lisa.
[shouting]
lisa!
- Now chase me!
- Oh, okay.
Ooh--
- Now...
Shoot me.
- Shoot--
No, I don't shoot, honey.
- Come on.
- Okay, bang, bang.
- No, like this.
Pew-pew.
- Pew-pew.
Pew-pew.
- Grandma,
run like an alien.
- Oh, an alien, honey?
No, come here, sweetheart.
Come here, come here.
Yeah, sit up, yeah.
You know what would be
really nice?
Television.
Who wants cookies?
Whoa, what happened here?
- What happened?
Nothing happened, okay?
Today happened.
Because of this nightmare I had
at the supermarket.
I mean, I'm dealing
with the kids,
You know, and they're just
taking stuff off the shelves,
And then they're opening
and eating things
And sticking it back anywhere.
No, and then...
They pulled down
the salsa display.
[imitates explosion]
You know?
And they're swimming in it.
Do you know how embarrassing
that is to hear over the p.A.?
"mrs. Barone, would you
please remove your children
From ethnic foods?"
- Huh.
So we have salsa?
- We have nothing, ray.
I had to leave in shame.
- So did you go
to the bank?
- I did not get
to the bank, ray!
No, because the kids
Were a little too picante,
you know?
You know,
it's just impossible
To get things done
when I'm with them.
You need some real help
around here.
- Oh, lisa,
I am so sorry I'm late.
The mall
was an absolute zoo.
But I can get
dinner together.
Oh, wow.
Oh, you--
you have it covered.
- Yeah, when we finished
picking up the toys,
They said they were hungry,
so I just fed them.
I hope that was okay.
- Uh, yeah!
Oh, michael,
are you eating carrots?
- Not carrots,
power sticks.
Very popular
at space station barone.
- Oh, right.
- Look, mommy.
- Oh!
- Face paints.
Is that okay?
- Oh, yeah, that's great.
That's just the disguise
we need to get back
Into the grocery store.
You guys look great.
- Hey.
- Hi, daddy.
- Hey, twinkle,
hey, stinky.
Hey--oh, I don't have
a name for you.
- Ray, this is lisa.
Lisa!
- Oh, lisa,
Hi, hi,
how are you?
- I'm fine.
- What's going on here?
It's all nice.
- Yeah.
- I know, I know,
well, listen,
It seems lisa here has made
A pact with the devil.
- Where do I sign?
[laughter]
- Isn't she fantastic?
- Seems great.
She used to work
for the mccormicks,
But they put katie
in day care.
So I knew I had to move
really fast,
Because the parkers
were eyeing her.
- Screw the parkers.
- Yeah, exactly.
- She's ours.
- Come on, guys.
Let's go finish
that story.
Whoo-hoo!
- Hey, you know,
since lisa has things covered,
Maybe we could go out
and get something to eat.
- Oh, well,
I think we, we probably
should let lisa go, so--
- Oh, I can stay
if you want.
It's no problem.
- Let's get out of here.
- God, no.
Really?
What should--
How should we get--
where's our passports?
- Now, listen,
kids,
Lisa's gonna
put you to bed, okay?
Mom and dad are going
to get something to eat.
Bye.
- This is gonna be--
- Hi!
Where are you
off to?
- We were just thinking about
getting something to eat.
- Oh, good,
come on over.
I made veal cutlets.
- No, no, no, ma.
It's all right.
- Oh, hello.
- Hi.
- I'm marie.
- I'm lisa.
- Lisa?
- Mm-hmm.
Hi.
- Lisa's our...
- No.
- Babysitter.
- [groans]
- Your babysitter?
- We were out the door.
- Yeah, I-I thought that--
- Gee, my phone must've
been off the hook,
'cause I was home all day.
- Yeah, uh, lisa,
you know what?
You should go.
- What? Ray.
- Are you sure?
Because I don't mind staying.
- No, no. It's okay;
you know what?
We're gonna--we're gonna stay
now, so here you go.
- Oh, your wife
paid me al--
- Be-be-be-be!
Okay?
So thanks for stopping by.
- So I guess
I'll see you tomorrow.
- Ah!
- You hired a babysitter.
- Well, you know,
to tell you the truth, she's--
She's really good
with young kids
'cause she's an early
education major.
And I-I just thought
she'd give us
A little more flexibility.
You know,
of course, marie,
We would--
we'd call you first.
But we just--
We didn't want
to keep taking advantage
Of the fact that you live
right across the street
Because, I mean,
that's not really fair to you.
Right?
Because
you have things to do.
I mean, you--
you have a life.
- I think
that's very considerate.
I appreciate
your thinking about me.
Thank you.
- Yeah, sure, great!
Because, you know--
oh, you're welcome.
Because, uh--you know, we didn't
want you to think--
- Hey, mom, the cutlets
smell great.
I turned the heat
down for you.
- Don't tell me how to cook!
I know how to cook!
I'm not that old!
And who are you
to turn down my meat?
[door slams]
- Oh, my god.
I covered
her mashed potatoes.
[all shouting]
- Hi, everybody!
Mommy's home!
- Hi, mrs. Barone.
- Hi, hi, kids!
- Oh, they're hiding
from the alien.
- Oh, don't worry.
I'll protect you.
- You're not playing,
mommy.
Come on, lisa,
Keep playing.
- Okay, okay,
only for another minute.
[laughing and squealing]
- Okay, okay, come on, kids,
'cause lisa's gotta go back
to her own planet, so--
- We want lisa to stay.
- Yeah, but I'm
gonna make you dinner.
- We're not hungry.
- Well, I'm gonna
make you fish sticks.
And then we're
gonna take a bath,
And then mommy's gonna
read you a story, so come on.
- We don't want you.
We want lisa!
We want lisa!
[all giggling and screaming]
[screaming, laughter]
- I've got cookies.
- Totally out.
Oh, boy,
Lisa gets 'em tired.
She's amazing, huh?
This is great,
isn't it?
- What?
- What?
It's 8:30, and we're not
completely exhausted.
Hey, have you noticed
since lisa started
That--that we've
had a lot of time for...
[singing]
hava
Nagila
Hava
Nagila
- Yeah, yeah.
- Come on, we've--
we've gotten to
Hav a lot of nagila.
- You know, I don't think
I'm gonna have lisa sit
for us anymore.
- What?
No.
Listen, I never
think of her, ever.
- Ugh, no.
Idiot.
God.
No, I-I was
just thinking--
I don't know, leaving the kids
with a sitter so much,
It just--
it feels wrong.
- Wrong?
What--
It gives us more time
to love each other.
And if loving you
is wrong...
Baby, I don't want
to be right.
- Well, it just doesn't
feel right to me.
- Come on,
she's a great babysitter.
It's what we
always dreamed of.
Come on.
Look, because of her,
you got nail polish on.
Don't you love that?
I love it.
Look at the little piggies.
Wee, wee, wee!
- Stop it!
You don't care
about nail polish.
- I know, but...
You want to go back
to the way it was,
With the kids
covered in salsa
And you wanting me
to help?
That's--
I mean, that's--
that's no kind of life.
- No, but...
Ray, look,
they are only young once.
This is our only chance
to enjoy this age.
- Well, what about my age?
I mean, when do we get
to enjoy my age?
- All right, okay,
I mean, if we--
If we have to leave
the kids with somebody,
Then, you know,
maybe it should be your mom.
Because after all,
she is family.
Think of how you mom must feel
with this.
You know, she comes over here,
And she sees geoffrey
and michael and ally
Playing
with some stranger,
And they're having
so much more fun with her
Than they ever had
with...Her.
- Okay, okay,
we'll get my mom then.
Look, the bottom line is--
is...
Quality time,
that's all.
And by quality time,
of course, I mean...
[singing, off-key]
lovin' you
Is easy 'cause
you're beautiful
And every day
that we
Ooh
I'm more
in love with you
- Okay, thank you.
[laughs]
- La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la
- Listen,
thanks again, marie.
I'm just gonna do
a little shopping with ray.
- I'm sorry the situation
with the girl didn't work out.
She seemed sweet,
But children watching
children...
- Ally, honey, come on.
Okay, well, I really
appreciate this.
- Please, you know
how I love doing this.
And I don't want you
to think
That you even
have to apologize.
- [chuckles]
I'm sorry, marie.
- Oh, that is
so unnecessary.
Just knowing
you feel bad is enough for me.
- There you are.
- When is lisa coming?
- Honey, I told you.
Lisa's not coming today.
Grandma's babysitting
today.
Does grandma know how
to play space station?
- Yes, she does!
[laughs]
Well, sweetheart, say good-bye
to mommy, and then we'll play.
- Mommy, I want
to go with you.
- Oh, oh, honey.
Oh, I love you!
Okay, well, I'll
be home real soon, okay?
I'll see you later.
Mommy loves you.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!
Oh, yeah!
- So maybe we can go
to a movie later.
That'd be great.
- Jeez-a-loo,
it's about time!
- Ma!
- Oh, marie,
what happened?
- What's goin' on?
- We were doing
that crazy game
That the girl
taught the kids.
And someone had allowed
Toys to be in the middle
of the floor,
And I tripped.
- Oh, my god.
What can I do?
- Do you have a lawyer?
- You're gonna sue us, dad?
- Not you.
Your insurance company.
We split it.
- Yeah.
Where are the children?
- They're in ally's room.
I didn't want them
to see me like this.
- Oh, my.
Marie, I--
god, I feel terrible.
- Here we go.
I'm here for you, ma.
I told nemo you were hurt.
He threw in some
free breadsticks.
- Ooh, these seem old.
- You are what you eat.
- Oh.
Robbie,
Give you father his order
of miserable bastard.
- Come on, ma.
Let's get you
in your own bed.
Dad, give us a hand.
Come on.
- You know, it might be easier
if we just switch houses.
- Oh, frank!
Can you help, please?
- Coming, sunshine.
- Marie, I am so sorry.
You just--
If there's anything you need,
you just let me know.
- Nice.
- Hey, they left
the breadsticks.
- She is really hurt.
I am such a jerk.
- You left some toys around.
What?
It happens.
- [whimpering]
- What? No, what?
Please stop.
I didn't mean
you left 'em around.
They got left around.
Come on.
The kids probably left 'em.
Stinkin' kids.
- No, ray, it's my fault.
- No, no, it isn't.
- Yes, it is,
'cause I set her up.
I just couldn't stand
how much the kids
Wanted to be with lisa,
So I got your mom
to babysit so it...
Wouldn't go as well.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You told a perfectly
nice girl not to come,
Because you thought
the kids liked her too much?
- [tearfully]
mm-hmm.
- And then you--
you brought in old yeller
To make yourself
feel better?
- Yes.
I'm terrible.
I'm this evil person.
- I love this!
And then the toys,
The booby-trapping
with the toys--
- I didn't do that!
- You know what the beautiful
thing is here?
Whenever I do something
conniv-y like this,
You always look at me like,
"how could you do that?"
When what you're
really thinking is,
"how do you do that?"
Ohh!
I'm proud of you.
- Would you stop that?
- Will you--come on.
You don't have to compete
with some babysitter.
You're mommy, huh?
The kids love mommy.
Every time I want to do
something with them,
They always yell,
"we'd rather have mommy!"
- Oh, yeah, right,
they yell that.
- Yeah, "we prefer mommy!"
"all things being equal,
where's mommy?"
- Shut up.
- Come on, you're--
you're number one.
You're better than
any babysitter.
And you deserve
some free time,
Quality time.
[singing shrilly]
la, la, la, la, la
- Okay.
You're right.
- Of course.
- Thanks.
Oh, crap!
- What?
- What are we gonna do
about a babysitter?
- You're gonna call lisa.
- I let lisa go.
- What, for good?
- Well, we didn't
need her anymore.
We had your mom.
- What did you do?
She's out there!
Now she's a free agent!
- I don't know what I did
with her number.
- Don't say that!
You should know the number!
How come
it's not on speed dial?
Call up the parkers.
No, don't call the parkers.
Oh, man, the parkers!
- Here, here!
Here's her number.
- You and your
stupid insecurity.
- Would you just dial
the phone, please?
- It's busy!
[loud, elaborate chiming]
Parkers.
- Who is it?
- [disguises voice]
pizza.
- Mr. Barone.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi. [laughs]
- Your mom told me
that you were here
Babysitting
for the parkers,
And I thought
I'd bring you by a pizza.
You know, I know that
They're into
that healthy stuff here,
And that's gotta blow,
am I right?
Yeah.
Anyway, so this is it.
A big fat,
juicy pizza.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Yeah, hmm.
We miss you over there--
- oh.
- Me and debra
and the kids.
Oh, the kids.
You should see their sad little
unpainted faces.
- But your wife
said that they--
- Don't worry about my wife.
My wife says
A lot of things, you know?
She does.
Between you and me,
she's a little bit...
Fing! Ehhh!
Yeah, yeah.
But she's okay now.
- Oh.
- Yeah, she's okay.
We just--
we want you back.
- Ohh!
Um...
The parkers offered me
four days a week.
- We'll give you six.
- Well, I kind of
promised the parkers.
- Listen, I've known the parkers
for a long time.
We're in the car pool
with our kids together,
And we're
very good friends.
They don't care
about you.
They don't.
They find
somebody cheaper,
They drop you
like a stone.
- Lisa--
- She's busy.
- I'd better go.
- Listen, listen, listen,
That six days
that I'm talking about--
That's unlimited fridge,
the phone,
The boyfriends,
smoking, I don't care.
- Okay, I couldn't even do
six days a week.
I have school.
- School?
Let me tell you a little
something about school.
- Hey, barone.
- Hey, parkers.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
Hey, nancy.
- Carrie.
- Carrie.
- I think you better
get out of here.
- Why?
It's a free country.
- I know what you're
doing, barone.
- Listen, lisa, whatever
they're giving you,
I'm gonna give you
double, lisa!
You can do--
I have cable.
I have everything!
- You're out of
the car pool.
- No!
[door closes]
No, no,
not the car pool!
I need it!
I can't--I can't
drive with kids!
[whining]
my life, my life.
It's falling apart.
Lisa.
[shouting]
lisa!
- Now chase me!
- Oh, okay.
Ooh--
- Now...
Shoot me.
- Shoot--
No, I don't shoot, honey.
- Come on.
- Okay, bang, bang.
- No, like this.
Pew-pew.
- Pew-pew.
Pew-pew.
- Grandma,
run like an alien.
- Oh, an alien, honey?
No, come here, sweetheart.
Come here, come here.
Yeah, sit up, yeah.
You know what would be
really nice?
Television.
Who wants cookies?