Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 3, Episode 25 - Robert Moves Back - full transcript

When Robert and Amy have sex, they forget to close the curtains and are seen by everyone. When Robert finds out, he hides out at Ray's.

- Hey.

- Hey, robert.
- Hey.

- I just got off duty.
I kind of need to talk.

- What's the matter,
robert?

- I made this traffic stop
that's kind of bothering me.

Amy was in the car.

- Oh, amy the virgin?
- Oh, ray!

- What?

What? That's what
she is, right?

- Well, I'm not so sure
anymore.

She was in the car
with a guy.



They were
all dressed up.

This was a date.

- Well, robert,
you two did break up.

On a few dates yourself,
mr. Luckypants.

- All right, deb,

Tell me what you know
about this guy.

- Uh...
- Aheh!

- I know she's been
seeing some people,

But I don't know who--

- James p. Kitsos
of queens...

5'10", 165 pounds,

Hair brown, eyes green,

Not an organ donor.

Selfish bastard!



It sounds like
you kind of miss amy.

Why don't you just
give her a call?

- You think she wants
me to call her?

- Do you want to call her?

- Do you think
she still likes me?

- Do you still like her?
- Oh, my god!

Why don't you wait
till your acne clears up

And give her a ride
on your skateboard?

[doorbell buzzes]

Amy.

- Hi, robert.

- Hello.

- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You know, I've been
wanting to talk to you

Since you pulled us over.

- Listen, amy,
the ticket is written,

But he can contest it
in court if he wants.

- Oh, no, no, no.
It's not that.

He was speeding.

- Yeah.

You look nice.

- Thanks.

- You want to come in?

- You look good too.

- Thanks.

You know he's not
an organ donor.

- We only went out
a couple of times.

- Look, it's
none of my business.

You know his mother
owns that car.

- Robert, it wasn't
that serious.

- I'm just thinking
about your safety.

- I know you are.

Thank you.

Robert...

You know...

I knew that
was your speedtrap.

I told him
to drive faster.

I wanted to see you.

- You didn't need him.

You could've
driven yourself.

I would've
pulled you over so fast.

- I've already got 8 points.

I didn't want
to lose my license.

- Pretty girl like you...

Would've let you off
with a warning.

Where are we going?

- The bedroom.

- The--

W-w-wait.
We've never...

And you've never, ever...

Are you sure?

- I'm sure.

- Really?

- Robert, I've driven around
long enough.

- Beat it, shamsky.

Oh, yeah.

- [giggling]

- And you too,
you too, yeah.

- No, stay.
Finish your breakfast.

- No, the least I can do
is walk you to the elevator

And push the up button
for you.

- You mean down.

- No, no, I mean up.

'cause that's the direction
all angels go.

- Maybe you should push down,
'cause you're a devil.

- Don't start with that.

- Oh!

Enough, already.

- Excuse me,
can I help you?

- You want to help me?

Close your bedroom curtains.

[elevator bell dings]

- Oh, my god.

Do you think he saw?

- [woman giggles]

- Hey, you know,

You really disrupted
our bible study last night.

- Sorry.

- We prayed for you.

- I'm...Using the stairs.

I'll call you.

- Okay, okay.

Drive safely.

- Hey, saw the show
last night.

[laughs suggestively]

- We're in 9-j, if you...

Want to give us a ring.

- Hey, deb.

- Hi, robert.

- You talked to amy.

Did you tell
anyone else?

- No, I swear
I didn't tell anyone.

- Hey-hey, robert.

Ohh, whoooo! Whoooo-ey!
Whoooo!

- You know too?

Deb, you said
you didn't tell anybody.

- She has to tell me.
You kidding?

It's a rule of marriage.

A spouse automatically
has the right to know

That you deflowered
a woman

In front of your entire
apartment building.

- Ray!

- It wasn't
the whole building.

- You know, amy isn't gonna
be visiting your building

Any time soon.

- If you know
what she means.

- I didn't mean that.

- She must hate me.

In fact, she's been
trying to call you.

- Well, I haven't been home.
It's too embarrassing.

And, hey,
look at this.

These are up
all over the building.

- "were you offended
by the display?"

- [gasps]

- It's a petition to make
bedroom curtains mandatory.

I can't go back there.

- Oh, you know what?

You can stay here
for a few nights.

- What?

- Yeah, just until
things calm down.

- Hey, you could--
you could stay at mom's.

Great food over there.

Here too,
good food here.

- No, I can't go over there.

She'll want me
to move back in.

Lookit, she can't know
I'm staying here.

- No, no, no.
We won't tell her.

Go ahead--there's blankets
and stuff in the hall closet.

You can stay downstairs
in ray's office.

- Oh, great.
Thank you.

- Are you nuts?

- What?
It's just for a few days.

- Yeah, that's what he told
ma when he got divorced,

And he stayed for four years!

- It'll be fine, ray.

- Come on, he's gonna be
all sittin' on the couch

And watchin' television.

- And that's really your
special job, isn't it, ray?

- You don't know.

Just wait
till his shoes come off.

- Oh, his feet
are fine.

- Yeah, fine, if you're trying
to jump-start a vomit.

- Oh, hey, ray,
I hope you don't mind.

I switched with
one of your pillows,

You know, because down
gives me nightmares.

- Of geese?

- A goose will run
right after you.

I gotta tell you,
I really appreciate it.

[sports game on tv]

[tv audience cheering]

[loud rock music playing]

- Is this guy amazing or what?

- Did you ever play
guitar?

- Just this.

- I like your hands.

- Aah...

[chuckles]

- Oh, hey.

- Huh? Ohh...

- Hi, ray.

- Hi, amy.
Good to see you...

Again.

So, uh, what are
you guys doing?

- Nothin', just listening
to some tunes.

You?

- Oh, yeah, I got to print
something up for work.

It's a tiny bit loud.

[music volume lowers]

- I can't even hear it now.

- That's 'cause you
listen to it too loud.

- I should go.

- No, uh...

Ray, do you
have to do this now?

- Yeah.
Yeah, sorry, okay?

It's just gonna take
a second.

- Go ahead.

- [laughs]

[laughs]

[printer beeping]

- Oh!
[laughs]

- Hey, come on, come on.

Come on, don't jam!

- [laughs]

- You know what?
I'm just gonna--

I'm gonna go work
on this upstairs, okay?

It'll still work,
all right?

It's not like I haven't--

[laughter]

- Hello.

I brought lasagna.

[robert laughing]

- [laughing]

[laughing]

[footsteps]

- Robbie!

- Ma!

- Oh, god! Marie!

- Oh, my god!

[loud footsteps]

Oh! Oh!

- What the hell's going on?

- Oh, ma!

- Oh, why, robbie? Why?
How could you?

In raymond's basement!

- Marie, it's not
what you think!

- Oh!

- Man, you just
can't stop, can you?

- Can't stop?

- We thought
everyone was asleep.

Debra invited me.

- Debra?

- Yes, I mean, I said
he could stay here.

Look, they are
two consenting adults,

And that's
what adults do.

- The lucky adults.

- Marie, why did you
take the lasagna?

Holy crap!

Go ahead.
I'll catch up.

- Is this something you do?

You come to raymond's to--
to have relations?

- Okay, I'm caught up.

[laughs]

- I'm sorry I baked you
a lasagna.

- How did you know
I was here?

- Ray squealed.

- Raymond!

- Come on, ma.

You were supposed
to make it look casual.

- Lasagna's casual--it's not
like I made steak pizziola.

I just wanted
- a little privacy.

- Maybe you should've
thought of that

Before you and amy
did a puppet show

In front of
your whole building.

- What?

- What are you
doing to me?

- You are out of control,
young man!

- No, I'm not, ma.

- Hard to make that argument
without pants.

- He gets that from you--

You with your
dirty magazines.

- One "playboy."

- For 29 years?

I mean, who keeps pornography
for 29 years?

- Anyone married to you.

- He gets to have
a "playboy."

- Marie, I can understand
why you'd be so upset.

- I thought you were
saving yourself.

- I was. I did.

- Oh, amy.

Amy!

Oh, I thought I knew you,

But you had us all fooled,
didn't you?

I mean,
it wasn't like debra,

Where we knew
what we were getting.

- Excuse me?

- I can't believe this.

- Amy, look, it's okay.

You don't understand, ma.

Amy wasn't trying
to fool anyone.

She cares about me.

She listens.

She doesn't laugh at me
when I eat.

In fact...

She's the most wonderful woman
I've ever met.

What I'm trying
to say is...

Amy and I are in love.

- Oh, my god.

You're getting married?

- Uh...

Yup.

- Oh-ho, robbie!

- Wonderful!

- Hey, that's great, man.

So you're
moving out, then, right?

- I couldn't wish
for a nice daughter-in-law.

- Let's celebrate
with some lasagna!

- Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

We're not
getting married.

- Of course you're getting
married, don't be silly.

That makes everything
all right.

- Robert, six months ago,

When I asked
about our future,

You freaked out
and we broke up.

Now you're ready
to get married

Just because you're afraid
of what your mother thinks?

- Sometimes a mother
knows best, dear.

- Sometimes a mother
should just butt out.

- Hey, robert,
you gotta marry this one.

[laughs]

- I will not be talked to
that way.

- Look, sorry.

I've had a very rough
couple of days here.

I wait my whole life
for the right time

And the right man
to be my first,

And now an entire building
has a petition against me!

And then the second time
I'm with my first,

His mother walks in on us.

And now you're
ready to get married

Just to make her happy?

What is this hold
she has on you?

- See?
It's not just me.

- I can't even cry,
because if I dab my eyes,

My pants will fall down.

So excuse me, marie,
for not being polite!

And by the way,

Sometimes the noodles
in your lasagna are overcooked.

[gasping]

[door slams]

- Clearly, that is not
the girl for you.

You understand, robbie?

Robbie?

Robbie!

Where's he going?

- Maybe his wallet's
in those pants.

- You see, debra?

Do you hear the way
your friend talks to a mother?

I am so glad
you introduced her to my son.

- So am I, marie.

I think amy
is the best thing

That ever happened
to robert.

Ray.

Ray, you're supposed
to follow me now.

- I think your noodles
are perfect.

- I have never been treated
so disrespectfully

In my whole life.

Frank, I'm leaving.

- Coming!

[bell dings]

- Hey.
- Hey.

- I know. I know.

You're in 9-j.