Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 3, Episode 20 - Move Over - full transcript

Could you move over,
please, a little, deb?

Debra.

Deb.

- [snoring]

- Oh.

Oh, no.

Get outta here!

- Ray, did you hear that?

- Why are you down here?
Are you okay?

- Yeah, sure, sure.

Whatever.



- What?
- What?

- You said "whatever"
weird.

- I say a lot of things weird.

What, do you think
you say it so perfect?

- Ray.

- All right, look, look,

The reason I came down here
is 'cause sometimes you're--

You're too...On me.

- What?

- In bed,
when we're sleeping,

You don't stay on your side,

And then sometimes
I can't sleep.

- Oh, what are you saying,
I hog the bed?

- I know you're small,
but...



That's--that's
in regular space, you know?

In bed space, you're like one of
those things in the scary movies

With all the--the arms.

You know, arms, and...

And wherever you go
on the spaceship,

You can't get away from it.

Hey, where is it?
It's not over here. Then--

Aah!

Oh!

Aah!

- I'm sorry. I'll try
to stay on my side from now on.

- And not touch me.

- Not touch you?

- Okay, great.

- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute; what the hell
are you talking about?

- It's just hard for me
to sleep with touching.

- Me touching you?

Ray, you know, most husbands
like cuddling with their wives.

- No, they don't.

- Yes, they do.

- No, nobody
likes that, nobody.

The only time--the only time
a guy likes cuddling

Is if he thinks
it's going to lead to--

To lower cuddling.

- I don't believe this.

When--when did this start?

- When we started
sleeping together.

- So you haven't said
anything for nine years?

- I wouldn't have
said anything now.

- Have you slept
down here before?

- Well, just
a couple times.

Listen, look, I don't have
to do it anymore.

I'm happy
just to suffer through it,

That's all.

- Suffer through it.

- All right, suffer might
have been the wrong word.

Look, the touching
never used to bother me before.

It's just--maybe
it's 'cause I'm older.

You know, things change.

Like--like, now I can't handle
anything hickory-smoked.

- Maybe you should
get out of here, ray.

You never know
when I'm going to touch you

In a non-sexual way.

- Oh, come on,
don't be mad.

- Don't be mad?

- Look, you want
to know something?

I'll tell you the truth.

This whole thing is
my grandmother's fault,

Nonny barone.

- Oh, yes, of course,
nonny barone.

The woman who brought
dysfunction to america.

- No, this is going
to sound dumb,

But every summer,
we had to visit her in yonkers.

She had this tiny apartment.

And--and robert and I,

We went to bed
on the foldout couch.

All night long,
he'd be up against me.

I couldn't breathe.
I was, like, suffocating.

And I couldn't do anything,
couldn't say anything,

Because he'd wake up,

And then he'd laugh
and try to crush me.

And--and if I screamed
to stop him,

Nonny barone
would come in

And yell at me
for the screaming.

You know, so most nights,
I just laid there awake.

That's--I don't know.

I've never gotten over that,
I guess.

I'm sorry.

I never thought
about it before,

But that's got to be it.

You know, but listen,

It's my problem,
all right?

You just--you touch me
all you want.

Cuddle, hug, snug.

Do it all because
it'll be good for me.

- Oh, that's--
no, it's okay.

I mean, I didn't know that,

So I'll try to give you
some more room, okay.

- Hey, jambalaya.

- Mm-hmm.

- Coffee?

- Nope, no coffee.

I drank it all.
I am very tired.

- Really?

- Mm.

- Eh.

- Where you going?

- Going across the street
to get some coffee.

- Oh, sure, have your mother
think I'm so terrible

I can't even give my husband
his morning coffee.

- Oh, come on...

She thinks that already.

- Hey, ray.

- Hey, no coffee.
She drank it all.

- [clears throat]

- Oh, hi, robert.

- Hey, is ally here?

- No, she went to school.

- She was supposed to take me
for show and tell.

Today's things
that begin with "p."

- Oh, police officer.

Oh!

- Hey, deb, you okay?

- No, I couldn't get
comfortable sleeping last night.

And you know what?
It's all your fault.

That's right.

How come you had to torture
ray at nonny barone's?

- What do you mean?

- You know,
when you were kids,

And you slept on
the pull-out couch together.

- We never slept on
a pull-out couch together.

- Yes, you did.

At nonny barone's
little apartment in yonkers.

- Apartment?
She had a nice house.

We each had our own room.

Oh, those were
happy times.

- Okay, got some coffee...

And a bag of mom's
homemade jelly doughnuts.

- Ahh.

- Liar!

- Really,
they're from scratch.

- You made up that whole story,
didn't you, ray?

Nonny barone,
the apartment,

The pull-out
sofa bed.

You never slept
with robert, did you, ray?

It was all a lie.
You liar!

- It wasn't a lie.

- Oh, robert told me.

- Okay, it was a lie.

- Why did you lie to me?

- Because I didn't
want you to feel bad

About me not wanting
to touch you.

- Hey, robert,
do you mind?

- That's right,
robert,

My husband doesn't
want me to touch him.

- Only in bed.

- I, um, I, um...

I'm late for show and tell.

- Yeah, and I am nuts
for wanting to cuddle with you

Or be anywhere near you
in the first place.

You need some help!

- Honey--
- no, no, no more honey.

No more honey.

You don't want anyone
touching you in bed, ray?

No problem.

- Look, I just--

I can't sleep
with you on me.

What do you
want me to do?

- All right,
just forget it, ray, okay?

I'm fine.

- Jelly doughnut?

- Yes.

- It's a massacre in there.

[knock on door]

Father hubley?

- What?
Oh, raymond.

- Yeah. How you doing,
father?

I was just in the neighborhood,
you know.

- Did you want something?

- Yeah, um...

Listen, I'm just--
I'm having this problem,

And all the real shrinks
are booked up for six weeks.

- How flattering.

- Yeah, so can I sit?

- It was kind of debra's idea
for me to talk to somebody.

We had
this discussion.

Fight.

Not really a fight.
I mean, nobody got hurt.

Well,
the jelly doughnuts.

- What did you and debra
fight about?

- I'm having trouble
sleeping with her.

I'm--wait a minute.

- You have feelings
for another woman?

- No, no, no, no, no.

- A man?

- No, no, no, see,

This is what
the "wait a minute" is about.

I mean, I mean,
sleep, as in asleep.

- Oh, you mean
actually sleep.

- Yes. Thank you. Yeah.

You know, like,
she's over here,

And then, and then she moves
over here, you know.

You know, and I got
to move over here.

And she touches me,
and then she hugs,

And then she holds,
and--oh, believe me,

You're better off
without it.

- You know,
maybe it would help

If we looked at this
from debra's perspective.

- Why?

- Well, to, um...

Understand why she does
what she does.

- Why do you think
she needs to touch you

At night when you're
trying to sleep?

- I got nothing.

- Raymond, I want you
to close your eyes.

- Why?

- Close them. Close them.

Now try to imagine
that you are debra.

- I need new shoes.

- As debra, what is
happening in your life

That makes you want to cling
to your husband in bed?

- Hold on, when I tap
myself on this side,

It sounds much more
muffled than this side.

- Open your eyes, raymond.
Open them. Open them!

- Sorry.

Sorry.
Hey, where's my wallet?

Kidding.

- Raymond, maybe debra's
missing a sense of intimacy.

She may not feel close
to you during the day,

So she seeks out
that closeness at night.

- That makes sense.

What do you mean?

- Do you touch her
during the day?

Do you--
do you kiss her,

Stroke her hair,
hold her hand?

- Okay, see, we're married.

- The need to show your loved
ones how much you care

Doesn't end with the honeymoon,
raymond.

- I know.

- You should express your love
to debra all day long.

Go home and show her
how much you love her.

Now.

- Now?
- Now.

Right now.
Go. Go. Hurry.

- All right.
Okay, thank you.

- Yeah, go.

- Thank you, father hubley.

Thank you, uh, bless me.

- Oh, my god.

- Frank, you're supposed
to watch the children.

- What does it
look like I'm doing?

That one's about
to spill something.

- No, no, no, geoffrey!
Oh, all right.

Marie, just give me
a second, okay,

And I'll help you
empty those bags.

- Nonsense, dear.
I know where things should go.

- Okay, come on.
Come on, guys.

Let's get out of this mess.
Let's go.

Boys, come on,
let's go.

Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go.

Out. Out. Out. Out.
There you go. Eww!

Oh, god.

- Hey, cranapple.

Oh, you're here.

What? I'm just--I'm trying
to say hello to debra.

Hello.

- So say hello.

Don't make a meal
out of it.

- You know, you could
kiss me hello, frank.

- How about
a kiss good-bye?

- Do you mind?

I'd like to be alone
with my wife.

- Why?

- 'cause he's just trying
to make up

For whatever it is
he did that was wrong.

- What did he do,
kill somebody?

- Don't give me any ideas.

Hey, you.

Hold me closer,
tiny dancer.

- What are you doing, ray?

- Nothing.

I'm just trying to show
my loved one

That how much I care
does not end on the honeymoon.

- What?

Ray, come on, what,
are you helping me or what?

- Yeah, no,
I'm just trying to--

- What, you're trying
to make up with me?

I forgive you, okay?

Get a mop.

I just wanna
touch you a little.

- What?

- No, not like that.
I'm just--

I'm trying to be
generally affectionate.

Come on,
get in on some of this.

- Look, please.

Would you stop?
Sweep up the cheerios, okay?

- [sighs]

All right,
but I want it noted

That I was trying
to touch you.

- I'm sure it will come up
during the insanity hearing.

Where is all this
coming from?

- From god.

- I guess I got
to note that too.

- Actually, I went
to see father hubley.

- Father hubley?

- Yeah, well,
you told me

That I should
go see somebody.

- And he told you
to annoy me?

That seems mean.

- He told me
that I'm your husband

And I should be
more affectionate.

And I thought
I should be.

And I want to be.

- You really went to see
someone about your problem?

- Yeah.

- You did that for me?

- And, you know,
'cause...

You know.

Mushy banana.

Come on.

Let's go wash
our hands together.

Good night.

- Good night.

- Oh.

- What?

- Nothing.
I just--

I thought with everything
that I did today that...

You know,
you might not need me

To keep doing it
at night.

- That's why you were
being so affectionate?

You're trying to get all your
affection out of the way

So you could sleep
untouched?

- I need my sleep.

'cause I gotta do it
all over again tomorrow.

- Don't bother.

- Oh.

I--oh.

Well, I can't sleep
like this either.

- Did it ever
occur to you

That you could
cuddle me?

- Huh?

- Why don't you hold me
till I fall asleep?

And then you can sleep
any way you want.

- I could do that.

How long you think it's gonna
take till you fall asleep?

- It depends on how much

My husband
has aggravated me today.

- Oh, so I guess
just a few seconds.

- Yeah.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- So a policeman's job
is to protect and to serve

And to make all of us
feel safe.

I want to thank you
for having me in

For show and tell.

And, uh,
are there any questions?

- Are you a giant?

- Uh, not--not really.

Any questions about
being a police officer?

Yes, you.
- Could I climb on you?

- Uh, not right now.

Uh, I think I have time
for one more question.

- Are you going to eat us?