Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 3, Episode 19 - Big Shots - full transcript

Ray and Robert think they're big shots because of their jobs.

- Hi, dears.

Isn't this wonderful weather
we're having?

It's so crisp and clear.

- Quiet, marie.

I can't hear
the punches.

- So, raymond...

Are you going to
the hall of baseballs tomorrow?

- What?

- The hall of fame,
marie!

You ignorant...
[muttering]

- Raymond, your brother
was talking



About some sort
of a ceremony?

It sounded like
a lot of fun to me.

And since you are
a sportswriter

And have such
important connections...

- Oh, just say it, marie.

The hall of fame
is honoring the 1969 mets.

Your brother asked your mother
to ask you to take him.

- Which one of you
do I say no to?

- Come on, raymond.

You know how much that
would mean to your brother.

- Ma, you know how long it takes
to get to cooperstown, okay?

I'm not driving in the car
with robert for four hours.

His feet smell.

- Well, take a bus.
- A bus.



That's a smelly feet contest.

- Hi.

- Hi, robert.
- Hey.

- Hi, dear.

- Hey.
So what's new?

I was just taking shamsky out
for a drive today.

It's nice out, huh?

So what's new?

- Cut the crap.
Your mother asked him already.

- Robert, what do you
got to have mom ask me

To take you
to the hall of fame for?

- Ma, you were supposed to make
it seem like it just came up.

- And you were supposed
to wait across the street

Until I flashed
the venetian blinds.

- Hey, ray.

- Oh, come on!

What are you doing?

- I'm making memories.

- Jeez.
- What?

- Nothing, just...

We're about to crash
into a big blue dot.

Aw, come on, robert.

- I'm sorry.
I'm just a little excited.

- Yeah.

- The '69 mets.

The amazing mets.
The miracle mets!

God, I love those guys.

It was one of the few
bright spots of my childhood.

I just wish dad had taken us
to a game.

- He took us to a lot
of yankee games.

That was fun.

- Well, maybe for you.
I hated the yankees.

- What do you mean,
you hated the yankees?

You cried
every time they lost.

- That's because dad
told me it was my fault.

Man, you've actually met
some of those guys.

Kranepool, harrelson,
mcgraw.

- Yeah.

- Man, what a life
you got--

Meeting sports idols,
free hot dogs.

You're a lucky man,
raymond.

Lucky man.

- Ahh...
It's not that great.

Most of the time,
I'm sitting in locker rooms...

Guys with towels...

Guys without towels...

- I sure hope
art shamsky will be there.

You know, he homered
his first time at bat.

- I know.

- Can't wait to tell him
I named my dog after him.

- Uh, yeah.
Hey, do me a favor, all right?

Don't tell him that.

- What do you mean?

I brought shamsky's collar
for him to sign.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not taking that thing
into the hall of fame.

- Well, what if
I just let art sign it

But I don't tell him
about the dog?

- Give me the dog collar,
robert.

- No, no way.

- You're not bringing
that in there!

- But I want him
to see that--

- I swear to god,

I'll turn
this car around right now!

- All right, fine.

- Look, we'll go in.

You'll meet art shamsky
and the rest of the mets.

On the way home,
I'll get you a happy meal.

Hey, hey.
Are you all right?

- Oh, yeah.
I'm just a little nervous.

- Just relax, man.
Just act normal.

These guys are just
like you and me,

Except they don't
throw like girls.

- Oh, we should've
gotten here earlier.

- Yeah, all right,
just stick with me.

- Ladies and gentlemen...

From your 1969
new york mets,

Please welcome...

[sports theme plays]
[applause]

Tommie agee!
[cheering]

Jerry grote!

[applause and cheering]

Bud harrelson!

Cleon jones!

Ed kranepool!

Tug mcgraw!

Art shamsky!

And ron swoboda!

[applause and cheering]

- Whoa, whoa.
Hey.

- Oh, yeah. Hi. Hi.
- Can I help you?

- I write for a newspaper--
"new york newsday."

And me and my photographer,

We're here to just
cover the event.

- Uh, the press event
was last night, sir.

Today is for the public.

- Oh. All right.

So, you know, we'll just
talk to the players,

Snap a couple pictures--

- Oh, no, I can't
let you do that, sir.

These people have been waiting
here all morning.

- Oh...Yeah.
I-I know that.

But, uh...Again, I'm--
I'm, uh, ray barone

From "new york newsday."

- I'm sure you are, sir,
but today you're going

To have to wait in line
like everyone else.

- Okay, then,
look, ray,

Let's just go
to the back of the line,

And, you know,
how long could it be?

- Three hours.

- Really?

- Hey, look, I don't want
to wait in line here.

- I'm going to have to ask
you gentlemen to move along

Because I need to keep
this area clear.

- Look. Look, ray,
it'll go fast.

We'll play
20 questions.

No, no, no. Look,
there's got to be something--

- Hey. You're ray barone
from "newsday."

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
that's me.

You know, I see
your picture every day.

I read your column, man.
It's great!

- Oh. Well,
I can't argue with that.

Ha ha ha!

- Yeah, you know that thing
you wrote last week

About the new
stadium proposal--

That was really good!

- Oh.

Hey, thank you, man.
Thanks.

Thanks, man.

It's nice to get out
and, uh,

And meet the readers,
you know?

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

- Hey, what are you doing?
- No. Nothing.

Let me ask you something.
Did you read the one about--

- Hey, hey, hey.
No cuts.

- No, no, no.
I'm with him. I'm with him.

- No, you're not.

I've been staring
at the back of this guy's head

Since 6:00 this morning.

- Maybe you should've
brought the jumble.

- No cuts!
- No, I'm not--I'm not cutting.

- Ray. Ray.
Look, look.

Let's just get in line
before it gets any longer.

- No. Look--
you know what?

Let me talk to tug mcgraw.
- Well--well, what about me?

- Just play 20 questions
with that guy.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- I'm thinking
of a famous person.

- Uh, hey, tugboat.
Hey, tuggy bear.

Hi. It's me--ray barone
from "new york newsday."

- Oh, yeah.
Barone.

On the ball players
becoming announcers.

- Yes! Yeah. Yeah.
How are ya?

- I'm, uh--I'm doing okay,

Considering I'm one
of the ex-jocks

Looking for a second career

At the expense
of the hearing public.

- Well, good!
Good!

Fantastic!

- Who is that?
- He's nobody.

Take a hike,
barone.

- Okay. Thank you, tug.
Thanks.

Thank you.

Thank you. Hey...
You got to believe!

Yeah.

Uh...

Tug said it's okay
for us to go in.

- No, he didn't, sir.
I heard him.

He doesn't
like you, sir.

Back of the line.
- No, no, no.

He's razzing me.
That's what we do.

We're good friends,
me and tugboat.

- I'm sure you are, sir.
Move along.

- Yeah.
Back of the line.

- Yeah! Who do you
think you are, huh?

- Look. Look. Look.
I'm ray barone.

I work for "newsday."

I'm covering this thing.
I'm a reporter.

- Good. Give us a report
on the back of the line.

[laughter]

- Okay, look, ray, I'm getting
in line, all right?

Look, I just need to talk
to art shamsky

For a few seconds,
that's all.

- I know, but he's right there.
I just need to talk to him.

My brother--
he really loves him!

He's got a dog collar
for him!

- Hello.

Hey. Can I get
some dipping sauce, please?

All right,
I'm not eating this.

Who can eat buffalo wings
without dipping sauce?

- Certainly not ray barone
from "new york newsday."

- What, you wanted to wait
in that line?

Look, I'm sorry.

I'm not going to wait in a line
all day like everybody else.

- Well, obviously
you're not like everybody else

Because everybody else
got to meet the mets.

- Hey. Look.
I did you a favor, all right?

I drove four hours.

How about showing
a little appreciation?

- Oh, that's right.
Thank you, raymond.

It's been my dream
to get 50 feet from art shamsky.

- Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse--what--

Oh, what am I,
invisible?

What are you doing?

- I just want
to preserve this moment.

I mean, how often
do I get to see

The "ray doesn't
get everything show"?

- Okay.
Oh, I know what this is.

"oh, it never ends
for raymond.

He has everything.
I have nothing."

Oh, mopey, mopey,
pouty, pouty.

Snooty, snooty.
Uhh.

- No, no. I admit that
there may have been times

When I might have mentioned
in passing

That I possibly
envied you.

But not anymore.

And would you like
to know why?

- Yeah, no, not really.
Where the hell is the waitress?

- Everything you have--

Successful career,
great family,

Free hot dogs--

Has made you lose touch
with reality.

You...

Are spoiled.

- Oh. Yeah.

And I guess all those years
sponging off mom and dad

Have made you
a better person.

- It certainly did.

I may have a thankless job,
be divorced,

Pay full price
for a hot dog,

But I happen to have something
you'll never have.

- A tail?

- Character, ray.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
You're very superior.

- Yes. You see,
I am superior

Because I'm humble.

Excuse me.

Uh..."lisa," may I have
some more water, please?

- Sure.

- And some dipping sauce
for my little brother here.

- Coming right up.

- Thank you, dear.

You see,

It's nice
to be important,

But it's more important
to be nice.

- Great,
advice from a guy

Who made a teepee
out of his french fries.

Who just got kicked out
of the hall of fame

By someone with a flashlight
and a whistle.

- Hey. Look.
I did it for you!

- Uh, what, ruined it?

- Uh--yeah, yeah,
I ruined it!

Look, I don't need
to take this crap, all right?

- Yeah, you ever notice

When you get worked up
that your voice cracks?

- Oh, shut up!
- There it is.

- Shut up!

- You see what's
happening here?

Now I may be upset that I
didn't get to meet art shamsky,

But I am still able
to keep my voice

At a comfortable
speaking level, like so.

You might want
to give that a try too.

- All right.
Let's try.

Attention...

Jerkhead.

If you're joining me
on the ride home--

I'm sorry.
Did I say "joining"?

If you're mooching
a ride home off me

That you had to have
your mommy ask for,

There will be
no talking, okay?

You are not to say
a word to me.

And there'll be
no bathroom breaks either,

So if you're smart, you'll do
what I'm doing right now

And visit the rest room.

- Hope there's
not a line!

[humming]

[radio playing music]

[humming louder]

[increases volume]

[humming louder]

[increases volume]

[humming louder,
straining]

[coughing]

[turns radio off]

- [laughs]

That's right.

We must've--

That crawled
out of the ass of another skunk.

Put your shoes on,
gouda feet.

- But they're
all swollen.

- Ah ah ah!
No talking!

Oh, no, what--
does he want me?

What did I do?
[siren wails]

What did I do?

I didn't do anything.

What's the speed limit here?

I was just keeping up
with the traffic.

Oh, yeah.

Hi. Good evening,
officer...

Jaro...Skeewee.

- Jaroszweicz.

- Are you sure?

So, uh, hi.
What seems to be the problem?

- I had you at 55
in a 40.

License and registration,
please.

- Uh, okay, sure. Sure.
Registration, uh...

It's right around here
somewhere I keep it.

Robert, why don't you
tell this guy who you are

And what you do
for a living?

So this is a 40, huh?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah.
Big road like this,

You'd think
it'd be a 60,

Which case, I'd be going
too slow, you know?

Then you'd have to pull me over
for impeding traffic.

Ha ha.

- All right, sir.
It's up to you.

Which ticket
would you prefer?

- Uh, speeding
would be fine.

- All right.
Uh, excuse me, officer.

- Yes?

- Sergeant robert barone,
nypd, 2-4 precinct.

- Oh, you're nypd?

- Yeah. This here's
my kid brother, raymond.

I was dozing off, so I didn't
notice he had such a lead foot.

But I'm going to keep
a closer eye on him

From here on out, okay?

- Look,
with all due respect,

We're pretty strict here
with our laws,

So I got to write
the ticket.

- But--
but I carry a shield.

- Then you should
know better, officer.

- Hey, listen,
I don't know

How you do things out here
in the sticks, okay?

But in the city,
cops look out for one another.

- I'm glad we had
this conversation.

It gave me a chance
to notice

Your brother's
inspection sticker.

Now, I might just be
a country bumpkin,

Don't know much about all that
book learning and fancy numbers,

But near as I can figure,
this looks like it's expired.

I'll be right back with another
little present for y'all.

- Come on!

We're the good guys!

We're brothers in blue!

This is ray barone
from "new york newsday"!

Come on!

- It's going to be
20, 25 minutes.

- Do they know
who we are?

- Let me see
what I can do.

Hi. I'm art shamsky.

- Hey.

No cuts.

- [singing]
meet the mets

Meet the mets

Step right up
and greet the mets

Bring your kiddies

Both:
[singing] bring your wife

Guaranteed to have
the time of your life

Because the mets
are really socking the ball

Knocking those home runs
over the wall

East side

West side

Everybody's coming round

To meet and greet
the new york mets

Of new york town

- [singing] war!

- [singing] huh!

- Good god, y'all

Both: What is it good for?

- Absolutely
nothing

- Say it again, y'all

- War!
- Huh!

Good god, y'all

- What is it
good for?

- Absolutely nothing

- Say it again