Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 3, Episode 18 - Ray Home Alone - full transcript
When Debra and the kids go away for the weekend, Ray's afraid to stay alone.
- Maybe I shouldn't
leave you alone here
For the weekend.
- No, no, no!
Come on, the kids.
The kids have to see
their other grandparents.
Huh, we can't have them
growing up
Thinking what's across
the street is normal, right?
- Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
[parrot mimics ally]
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
[parrot mimics ally]
- Ahh...See?
I told you
she'd love that doll.
- Yeah. Thanks a lot, ray.
That's going to be really fun
all the way to connecticut.
- Aah!
[parrot mimics ally]
- Man, I wish I was going.
- Can I ask you guys
something?
When was the last time
you cried?
- What do you mean?
About sports?
- Something real.
I mean, really cried.
- So nothing with sports?
- No, no.
Like last week,
I was watching "honey,
I shrunk the kids."
And the guy was looking
for his shrunken kids,
And I cried...
'cause I didn't think my father
would come looking for me.
- It wouldn't be hard
to find you.
- Yeah, you just look
under the cookie
That's moving
across the floor.
- Nah...
No, no, no.
No, guys, I know
what he's talking about
With the crying thing.
You know,
'cause the other day,
I dropped my twins off
at preschool.
And...I was watching
them go in, you know,
And just as the door
was closing,
I saw michael
take geoffrey's hand.
And...
I don't know.
- I'm going home before you guys
start making out.
- Yeah, I got to go.
It's getting late.
I got to go.
- Well, wait! Wait!
- Hey, johnny, I'll tell you
my cry story in the car.
- Great.
That'll be my throw-up story.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you talking about?
We're just getting
started here.
- Ray, we've been here,
like, four hours.
- Aw, come on, man.
It's not even 11:00.
- Ray, I've been up
since 6:00 a.M., I'm tired.
- Come on.
What, you can't take it?
Huh? Ya wimps.
What, you're not men?
- Ray, you're the one that just
told us you cried
Because you think
your twins are gay.
- That wasn't the point
of the story!
- I don't want to know the point
of the story.
- Hey, come on!
It's my one night
of freedom here, guys.
Doug--
oh, come on!
- I probably should get going.
I have to get up early.
- Oh? Is it getting late?
- Maybe not.
[doorbell ringing]
- What the hell is that?
It's 12:30--
not that that's late.
- Hey.
- Hey what?
What do you want?
- No kids, no debra. Come on.
What are we doing?
- Nothing.
Thanks for stopping by.
- Come on! Come on!
Come on, man!
I'm free here! I'm free!
Oh.
Hi.
- Hello.
I'm aileen.
- I'm ray...
Robert's brother. Yeah.
Uh, okay, sorry.
Look, you guys
get back to, uh,
Whatever it was you were
doing on the couch, and, uh,
We'll talk tomorrow--
not about what you did.
- Go now.
- Actually, robert,
I better get going.
- No! Stay!
- Yeah! Stay!
- Please, please stay.
- It really is getting late.
Nice to meet you, ray.
I'll call you.
- Who, me? Oh, him!
Yeah, him. Yeah.
Yeah, call him.
Yeah. Please.
Please call him.
Oops.
- What the hell
is wrong with you?
- I just--
I wanted to hang out.
I didn't know
I'd be walking in
On "beauty and the beast."
- Since when do we
hang out at midnight?
- What, I didn't want
to go to bed yet, huh?
Why should I stay up
in an empty house all night
When I can do
whatever I want?
- Oh, you are unbelievable!
- I'm unbelievably
ready to roll.
That's what I am.
[chuckles]
- Wait a minute.
Empty house?
- That's right. I'm free.
- Debra and the kids
are away?
- Uh-huh.
Hey! Hey, jacuzzi!
Jacuzzi!
[singing]
jacuzzi, jacuzzi
Ja-ja-ja-jacuzzi
Bubbles in my heinie
Ooh, ooh
Bubbles...In...My heinie
Ooh
[pop]
What?
- You're afraid to spend
the night alone.
- How do you get that
from "bubbles in my heinie"?
- Ray, it's me
you're talking to.
We used to share a bedroom.
You get scared.
- What? You don't know what
you're talking about; I do not.
- Yeah? Remember how long
you had to keep
The popeye night light,
scaredy-poo?
- Yeah, well,
until popeye came along,
You had to keep
the hallway light on.
- Only after one of dad's
bedtime stories.
- Yeah, which was every night.
- Listen, if you're
having trouble sleeping,
Just turn on the tv.
- I-I'm not having
trouble sleeping.
I'm fine, okay?
I'm not scared, robert.
- Yeah...
Listen to your big brother,
okay?
Watch some tv.
Discovery channel,
cubby.
Nature will
put you right out.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Unless it's
about monkeys, right?
- Wh-what's that
supposed to mean?
- Nothing.
I just, uh...
I remember a particular
shoe tree in your closet
That had a shadow...
- All right.
- That you thought
Looked like a monkey
holding an ax.
- Listen, I was ten years old,
And my shoe trees were big.
- Monkey holding an ax.
- Yeah.
I'm over it now, raymond!
- You know what?
It's none of your business.
And it's time for you to go!
- [chattering]
- All right, get out of here.
- Aah! Aah!
Good.
This place is stupid.
- Yeah, oh,
and, uh, good luck
In that big, dark house
you're going to be all alone in.
Or are you?
- All right,
that was something.
[deep voice]
who is it there?
Now I can't hear
the murderer.
- The mother decides
to nurse its young
Under the cooling shade
of a nearby tree.
Unfortunately, that decision
will cost the gazelle its life.
[snarling]
- No, no, no.
Thanks, robert.
Stupid nature.
- [loud squawking]
no, no, no!
[squawking]
- Friggin' doll.
- Hey.
- Oh, raymond.
What are you doing up?
Can't you sleep, dear?
- No, no.
I could sleep if I wanted to.
I just...
- Aww,
you miss debra and the kids.
Aww...
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, them.
So what are you doing
still awake?
- I'm making tea for robert.
- Robert?
- Yeah, they fumigated
his apartment today,
And he can't go back home
till tomorrow.
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
He said they had
army ants.
- Army...
[chuckles]
- Well, what are you
doing over here?
- Hey, I just had to walk
across the street.
You had to drive here,
officer barone.
- What are you talking about?
- Ray's scared.
- Hey.
You're the one
who's scared.
- What do you mean?
You're sick?
You're in trouble?
Is someone bullying you?
- No, ma.
- Then what is it?
What are you scared of?
- Being alone.
- You mean for the rest
of your life.
- No, but thanks for bringing up
that possibility.
- Then what is it?
- I-I-I don't know, ma.
You know, noises...
The dark,
things in the closet.
Sometimes it creeps me out.
You know, raymond too.
- Hey, hey, hey,
speak for yourself here.
- Hey, you're the one who
came over to my place tonight.
- Yes, and, uh,
there were no army ants.
- "oh! My house is empty.
"debra's gone.
Oh, no, I'm frightened."
- Shut up, ass of the world!
- You shut up, schmuck
of the whole neighborhood!
- That's smaller, you idiot.
- I know it's smaller!
- Stop! Stop!
- [chattering]
- Stop!
Raymond, your brother
is not a monkey.
There's nothing wrong
with being a little frightened.
We all
get scared sometimes, right?
- Ehh...
- And there's no reason
Why you can't come over here
every once in a while.
I mean, that's fine.
Doesn't it make
you feel good
That there's a place to go
if you're feeling scared?
Robbie?
- Yeah, I guess.
- Raymond?
- [screaming]
[screaming]
- Oh!
- Hello, ladies.
- Oh.
Frank!
- Jerk!
- Why did you do that?
They're scared already.
- That's why I did it.
You're grown men,
for god's sake.
What's wrong with you?
- Hey, hey, you're the one
who started the whole thing.
- What the hell's
that supposed to mean?
- What, you don't remember
the stories?
Gargoyles in our closet
Or a big brother who's just
waiting for me to fall asleep,
So he can steal my brain.
- Or a little brother
who's half spider.
- [chuckles]
half spider.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very funny, dad.
Very funny.
- Give a break!
You asked for 'em.
"scare us, daddy.
Tell us a scary story."
- We also asked
to drive the car, you know?
I mean,
you should know better.
You scared the hell out of us.
We couldn't sleep.
- Yeah. A couple of times,
we even wet our beds.
- I never did that.
- Frank...
Look what you did to them.
- Don't give me that, marie.
You loved it
when I scared 'em.
Then they'd come
running to you,
And you could hug
and cuddle
And slobber
all over them.
- Hey, that was nice.
That's an actual
good memory I have.
She'd calm us down.
- Yeah, she used to
scratch my head.
That helped.
- I didn't like
seeing my boys scared.
- Oh, yeah, hey,
you got any of those, ma?
- Oh, sure, honey.
Let me get them.
- I like the, uh,
the pretzel-looking ones.
- And remember then we'd
go upstairs to our room
To get away from him,
And then we'd talk
about the mets
Till we fell asleep, huh?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm glad you were there,
cubby.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, me too. It was good.
- Yeah.
- Personally,
I like leprechauns.
- What?
- Leprechauns.
Cute, harmless
little irish guys.
And whenever I'd tell
you guys a story,
I'd throw in a couple
of leprechauns
And scare the bejesus
out of you.
Hey, ray,
how did I know
That little raymond
was afraid of leprechauns?
- I don't know.
- Any ideas...
Robert?
- Oh, dad, don't start
pointing fingers, okay?
That's not going to work,
right, ray?
- That's right.
How did he know
about the leprechauns?
- I--I don't know, it wasn't me.
Maybe it was ma.
All I know is that I couldn't
serve you lucky charms.
- [high-pitched laugh]
He was me little spy!
- You told him.
- All--all right, yes, I did.
I told him.
- Robert.
- Why--why would you do that?
- Well, I liked
when he told us the stories,
But I didn't
want to get scared.
And I had no problem
with leprechauns.
- Oh, great, great.
So you could sleep,
and I could...
Stay up all night waiting
for those little monsters
To come and take me
to their nest.
- Nest?
- That's right, nest.
- Hey, listen,
I'm sorry, okay?
Don't think I didn't
hate myself for it.
Don't forget,
at that time,
I thought you might be
half spider.
When I was running
information to dad,
I think the guilt
was the cause
Of my occasional bedwetting.
- All right. Look, whatever.
It was a long time ago.
- Yeah, but it was wrong.
I mean, we're supposed
to stick together, right?
- Yeah, well, brothers do those
kind of things; it's all right.
- Not good ones.
- All right, listen.
I got to tell you something.
You never wet your bed.
I used to--
I used to wait
until you fell asleep,
And then I'd pour
a glass of water
In there with you.
- What?
- What?
- [chuckling]
- I-I didn't want to always
look like a baby, you know,
Calling for mom
when I was scared, and...
I knew that she would come
if you wet your bed.
- I always wondered why it was
up by your shoulders.
- I'm sorry, man.
I'm just--I'm sorry.
Look, I was six.
I was under
a lot of pressure.
- Oh-ho, you just did that,
raymond,
'cause you wanted
to be near your mommy.
- Well, ain't this
a kick in the ass?
Everyone was so quick
to blame me for all of this,
But look at you.
You've all got blood
on your hands.
Now I'm going back to bed,
And I'm going to sleep
the sleep of the just.
- All right, all right,
I'm--I'm going home.
I'm going home.
This little exorcism
wore me out.
Robert, come on,
you can sleep on my couch.
- Good night, girls!
- Come on, let's go.
- All right, good night, boys.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
Not that there are bedbugs.
You're perfectly safe.
But make sure you lock
your door...
- Got it, ma.
- Because in the neighborho--
- Yeah, we know,
thanks.
Hey, come on, come on,
come on, come on.
- Whoa, what are you doing?
- Mom's making herself tea.
We can get dad.
Come on, let's go.
He's still
in the bathroom, man.
Come on, go. Go.
- This is so great.
- Yeah, get in,
get in, get in.
Ha!
Little payback time.
- Yeah.
So how should we do it?
- We'll just--
we'll just jump out and scream.
- Yeah.
Like, "we're going to get you,"
Or "we need blood,"
or "I got a hammer!"
- No, no, no, no.
Just--just scream,
like "yah!"
- Yeah, good.
Yah!
Whoo!
- No whoo, just yah!
- Yeah.
Yah!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
- This is so fun,
you know?
We got to do this
more often.
- Yeah, we should do this a lot.
- Yeah.
- Maybe the more
we do it to him,
The less that we'll be scared.
- Yeah, like therapy.
- Yeah, something like that,
something like that.
Next time, we should
get him in the shower.
[frank clears his throat]
- There he is!
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
- Okay, now when do we go?
- Shut up.
We just wait.
Wait until he gets into bed.
- Yeah, good.
Get comfortable there, old man.
Nice...
Nice and relaxed.
- Come on, marie.
What's with that face?
They're going to be fine.
- Oh, no, mom.
- Oh, I don't want
to scare her.
- Damn it.
- Let's just walk out
right now.
- No. No! No.
No, we'll wait.
We'll wait
till they fall asleep,
Then we'll sneak out.
Damn.
- Hey, you know what
we haven't done in a while?
- What?
What haven't they done?
- Come over here.
- Oh, no.
Ohh, n-n-n-n-n-no.
- No, please don't, don't.
Don't--
don't go over there, ma.
Don't go, don't go, don't go,
don't go, don't go.
- Ohh, yeah!
- We're in here!
We're in here!
But, hey, we didn't
see anything.
Both:
We didn't see anything.
- We were in the closet.
We were in the closet.
- Scared ya, huh?
- You're a sick man!
- What the hell
is wrong with you?
- [chuckling]
- I'll tell ya--I'll tell ya
what's wrong with him.
He's a sick man!
You're a sick man!
- Sick man!
- You tried
to scare me, huh?
Well, you mess with the bull,
you get the horns.
- What's going on here?
- Got 'em again, marie.
Terrified 'em.
- Oh, frank.
- He's a sick man, ma.
- I know.
Did he scare ya?
- Uh-huh.
- Aw, come on.
Let's go downstairs.
All right?
I'll make you boys
some cocoa,
And I still have
the butter cookies,
And everything will be fine,
honey.
I'll protect you
from your mean, old daddy.
Isn't this nice?
I love it.
- Scared myself
a little.
leave you alone here
For the weekend.
- No, no, no!
Come on, the kids.
The kids have to see
their other grandparents.
Huh, we can't have them
growing up
Thinking what's across
the street is normal, right?
- Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
[parrot mimics ally]
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
[parrot mimics ally]
- Ahh...See?
I told you
she'd love that doll.
- Yeah. Thanks a lot, ray.
That's going to be really fun
all the way to connecticut.
- Aah!
[parrot mimics ally]
- Man, I wish I was going.
- Can I ask you guys
something?
When was the last time
you cried?
- What do you mean?
About sports?
- Something real.
I mean, really cried.
- So nothing with sports?
- No, no.
Like last week,
I was watching "honey,
I shrunk the kids."
And the guy was looking
for his shrunken kids,
And I cried...
'cause I didn't think my father
would come looking for me.
- It wouldn't be hard
to find you.
- Yeah, you just look
under the cookie
That's moving
across the floor.
- Nah...
No, no, no.
No, guys, I know
what he's talking about
With the crying thing.
You know,
'cause the other day,
I dropped my twins off
at preschool.
And...I was watching
them go in, you know,
And just as the door
was closing,
I saw michael
take geoffrey's hand.
And...
I don't know.
- I'm going home before you guys
start making out.
- Yeah, I got to go.
It's getting late.
I got to go.
- Well, wait! Wait!
- Hey, johnny, I'll tell you
my cry story in the car.
- Great.
That'll be my throw-up story.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you talking about?
We're just getting
started here.
- Ray, we've been here,
like, four hours.
- Aw, come on, man.
It's not even 11:00.
- Ray, I've been up
since 6:00 a.M., I'm tired.
- Come on.
What, you can't take it?
Huh? Ya wimps.
What, you're not men?
- Ray, you're the one that just
told us you cried
Because you think
your twins are gay.
- That wasn't the point
of the story!
- I don't want to know the point
of the story.
- Hey, come on!
It's my one night
of freedom here, guys.
Doug--
oh, come on!
- I probably should get going.
I have to get up early.
- Oh? Is it getting late?
- Maybe not.
[doorbell ringing]
- What the hell is that?
It's 12:30--
not that that's late.
- Hey.
- Hey what?
What do you want?
- No kids, no debra. Come on.
What are we doing?
- Nothing.
Thanks for stopping by.
- Come on! Come on!
Come on, man!
I'm free here! I'm free!
Oh.
Hi.
- Hello.
I'm aileen.
- I'm ray...
Robert's brother. Yeah.
Uh, okay, sorry.
Look, you guys
get back to, uh,
Whatever it was you were
doing on the couch, and, uh,
We'll talk tomorrow--
not about what you did.
- Go now.
- Actually, robert,
I better get going.
- No! Stay!
- Yeah! Stay!
- Please, please stay.
- It really is getting late.
Nice to meet you, ray.
I'll call you.
- Who, me? Oh, him!
Yeah, him. Yeah.
Yeah, call him.
Yeah. Please.
Please call him.
Oops.
- What the hell
is wrong with you?
- I just--
I wanted to hang out.
I didn't know
I'd be walking in
On "beauty and the beast."
- Since when do we
hang out at midnight?
- What, I didn't want
to go to bed yet, huh?
Why should I stay up
in an empty house all night
When I can do
whatever I want?
- Oh, you are unbelievable!
- I'm unbelievably
ready to roll.
That's what I am.
[chuckles]
- Wait a minute.
Empty house?
- That's right. I'm free.
- Debra and the kids
are away?
- Uh-huh.
Hey! Hey, jacuzzi!
Jacuzzi!
[singing]
jacuzzi, jacuzzi
Ja-ja-ja-jacuzzi
Bubbles in my heinie
Ooh, ooh
Bubbles...In...My heinie
Ooh
[pop]
What?
- You're afraid to spend
the night alone.
- How do you get that
from "bubbles in my heinie"?
- Ray, it's me
you're talking to.
We used to share a bedroom.
You get scared.
- What? You don't know what
you're talking about; I do not.
- Yeah? Remember how long
you had to keep
The popeye night light,
scaredy-poo?
- Yeah, well,
until popeye came along,
You had to keep
the hallway light on.
- Only after one of dad's
bedtime stories.
- Yeah, which was every night.
- Listen, if you're
having trouble sleeping,
Just turn on the tv.
- I-I'm not having
trouble sleeping.
I'm fine, okay?
I'm not scared, robert.
- Yeah...
Listen to your big brother,
okay?
Watch some tv.
Discovery channel,
cubby.
Nature will
put you right out.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Unless it's
about monkeys, right?
- Wh-what's that
supposed to mean?
- Nothing.
I just, uh...
I remember a particular
shoe tree in your closet
That had a shadow...
- All right.
- That you thought
Looked like a monkey
holding an ax.
- Listen, I was ten years old,
And my shoe trees were big.
- Monkey holding an ax.
- Yeah.
I'm over it now, raymond!
- You know what?
It's none of your business.
And it's time for you to go!
- [chattering]
- All right, get out of here.
- Aah! Aah!
Good.
This place is stupid.
- Yeah, oh,
and, uh, good luck
In that big, dark house
you're going to be all alone in.
Or are you?
- All right,
that was something.
[deep voice]
who is it there?
Now I can't hear
the murderer.
- The mother decides
to nurse its young
Under the cooling shade
of a nearby tree.
Unfortunately, that decision
will cost the gazelle its life.
[snarling]
- No, no, no.
Thanks, robert.
Stupid nature.
- [loud squawking]
no, no, no!
[squawking]
- Friggin' doll.
- Hey.
- Oh, raymond.
What are you doing up?
Can't you sleep, dear?
- No, no.
I could sleep if I wanted to.
I just...
- Aww,
you miss debra and the kids.
Aww...
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, them.
So what are you doing
still awake?
- I'm making tea for robert.
- Robert?
- Yeah, they fumigated
his apartment today,
And he can't go back home
till tomorrow.
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
He said they had
army ants.
- Army...
[chuckles]
- Well, what are you
doing over here?
- Hey, I just had to walk
across the street.
You had to drive here,
officer barone.
- What are you talking about?
- Ray's scared.
- Hey.
You're the one
who's scared.
- What do you mean?
You're sick?
You're in trouble?
Is someone bullying you?
- No, ma.
- Then what is it?
What are you scared of?
- Being alone.
- You mean for the rest
of your life.
- No, but thanks for bringing up
that possibility.
- Then what is it?
- I-I-I don't know, ma.
You know, noises...
The dark,
things in the closet.
Sometimes it creeps me out.
You know, raymond too.
- Hey, hey, hey,
speak for yourself here.
- Hey, you're the one who
came over to my place tonight.
- Yes, and, uh,
there were no army ants.
- "oh! My house is empty.
"debra's gone.
Oh, no, I'm frightened."
- Shut up, ass of the world!
- You shut up, schmuck
of the whole neighborhood!
- That's smaller, you idiot.
- I know it's smaller!
- Stop! Stop!
- [chattering]
- Stop!
Raymond, your brother
is not a monkey.
There's nothing wrong
with being a little frightened.
We all
get scared sometimes, right?
- Ehh...
- And there's no reason
Why you can't come over here
every once in a while.
I mean, that's fine.
Doesn't it make
you feel good
That there's a place to go
if you're feeling scared?
Robbie?
- Yeah, I guess.
- Raymond?
- [screaming]
[screaming]
- Oh!
- Hello, ladies.
- Oh.
Frank!
- Jerk!
- Why did you do that?
They're scared already.
- That's why I did it.
You're grown men,
for god's sake.
What's wrong with you?
- Hey, hey, you're the one
who started the whole thing.
- What the hell's
that supposed to mean?
- What, you don't remember
the stories?
Gargoyles in our closet
Or a big brother who's just
waiting for me to fall asleep,
So he can steal my brain.
- Or a little brother
who's half spider.
- [chuckles]
half spider.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very funny, dad.
Very funny.
- Give a break!
You asked for 'em.
"scare us, daddy.
Tell us a scary story."
- We also asked
to drive the car, you know?
I mean,
you should know better.
You scared the hell out of us.
We couldn't sleep.
- Yeah. A couple of times,
we even wet our beds.
- I never did that.
- Frank...
Look what you did to them.
- Don't give me that, marie.
You loved it
when I scared 'em.
Then they'd come
running to you,
And you could hug
and cuddle
And slobber
all over them.
- Hey, that was nice.
That's an actual
good memory I have.
She'd calm us down.
- Yeah, she used to
scratch my head.
That helped.
- I didn't like
seeing my boys scared.
- Oh, yeah, hey,
you got any of those, ma?
- Oh, sure, honey.
Let me get them.
- I like the, uh,
the pretzel-looking ones.
- And remember then we'd
go upstairs to our room
To get away from him,
And then we'd talk
about the mets
Till we fell asleep, huh?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm glad you were there,
cubby.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, me too. It was good.
- Yeah.
- Personally,
I like leprechauns.
- What?
- Leprechauns.
Cute, harmless
little irish guys.
And whenever I'd tell
you guys a story,
I'd throw in a couple
of leprechauns
And scare the bejesus
out of you.
Hey, ray,
how did I know
That little raymond
was afraid of leprechauns?
- I don't know.
- Any ideas...
Robert?
- Oh, dad, don't start
pointing fingers, okay?
That's not going to work,
right, ray?
- That's right.
How did he know
about the leprechauns?
- I--I don't know, it wasn't me.
Maybe it was ma.
All I know is that I couldn't
serve you lucky charms.
- [high-pitched laugh]
He was me little spy!
- You told him.
- All--all right, yes, I did.
I told him.
- Robert.
- Why--why would you do that?
- Well, I liked
when he told us the stories,
But I didn't
want to get scared.
And I had no problem
with leprechauns.
- Oh, great, great.
So you could sleep,
and I could...
Stay up all night waiting
for those little monsters
To come and take me
to their nest.
- Nest?
- That's right, nest.
- Hey, listen,
I'm sorry, okay?
Don't think I didn't
hate myself for it.
Don't forget,
at that time,
I thought you might be
half spider.
When I was running
information to dad,
I think the guilt
was the cause
Of my occasional bedwetting.
- All right. Look, whatever.
It was a long time ago.
- Yeah, but it was wrong.
I mean, we're supposed
to stick together, right?
- Yeah, well, brothers do those
kind of things; it's all right.
- Not good ones.
- All right, listen.
I got to tell you something.
You never wet your bed.
I used to--
I used to wait
until you fell asleep,
And then I'd pour
a glass of water
In there with you.
- What?
- What?
- [chuckling]
- I-I didn't want to always
look like a baby, you know,
Calling for mom
when I was scared, and...
I knew that she would come
if you wet your bed.
- I always wondered why it was
up by your shoulders.
- I'm sorry, man.
I'm just--I'm sorry.
Look, I was six.
I was under
a lot of pressure.
- Oh-ho, you just did that,
raymond,
'cause you wanted
to be near your mommy.
- Well, ain't this
a kick in the ass?
Everyone was so quick
to blame me for all of this,
But look at you.
You've all got blood
on your hands.
Now I'm going back to bed,
And I'm going to sleep
the sleep of the just.
- All right, all right,
I'm--I'm going home.
I'm going home.
This little exorcism
wore me out.
Robert, come on,
you can sleep on my couch.
- Good night, girls!
- Come on, let's go.
- All right, good night, boys.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
Not that there are bedbugs.
You're perfectly safe.
But make sure you lock
your door...
- Got it, ma.
- Because in the neighborho--
- Yeah, we know,
thanks.
Hey, come on, come on,
come on, come on.
- Whoa, what are you doing?
- Mom's making herself tea.
We can get dad.
Come on, let's go.
He's still
in the bathroom, man.
Come on, go. Go.
- This is so great.
- Yeah, get in,
get in, get in.
Ha!
Little payback time.
- Yeah.
So how should we do it?
- We'll just--
we'll just jump out and scream.
- Yeah.
Like, "we're going to get you,"
Or "we need blood,"
or "I got a hammer!"
- No, no, no, no.
Just--just scream,
like "yah!"
- Yeah, good.
Yah!
Whoo!
- No whoo, just yah!
- Yeah.
Yah!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
- This is so fun,
you know?
We got to do this
more often.
- Yeah, we should do this a lot.
- Yeah.
- Maybe the more
we do it to him,
The less that we'll be scared.
- Yeah, like therapy.
- Yeah, something like that,
something like that.
Next time, we should
get him in the shower.
[frank clears his throat]
- There he is!
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
- Okay, now when do we go?
- Shut up.
We just wait.
Wait until he gets into bed.
- Yeah, good.
Get comfortable there, old man.
Nice...
Nice and relaxed.
- Come on, marie.
What's with that face?
They're going to be fine.
- Oh, no, mom.
- Oh, I don't want
to scare her.
- Damn it.
- Let's just walk out
right now.
- No. No! No.
No, we'll wait.
We'll wait
till they fall asleep,
Then we'll sneak out.
Damn.
- Hey, you know what
we haven't done in a while?
- What?
What haven't they done?
- Come over here.
- Oh, no.
Ohh, n-n-n-n-n-no.
- No, please don't, don't.
Don't--
don't go over there, ma.
Don't go, don't go, don't go,
don't go, don't go.
- Ohh, yeah!
- We're in here!
We're in here!
But, hey, we didn't
see anything.
Both:
We didn't see anything.
- We were in the closet.
We were in the closet.
- Scared ya, huh?
- You're a sick man!
- What the hell
is wrong with you?
- [chuckling]
- I'll tell ya--I'll tell ya
what's wrong with him.
He's a sick man!
You're a sick man!
- Sick man!
- You tried
to scare me, huh?
Well, you mess with the bull,
you get the horns.
- What's going on here?
- Got 'em again, marie.
Terrified 'em.
- Oh, frank.
- He's a sick man, ma.
- I know.
Did he scare ya?
- Uh-huh.
- Aw, come on.
Let's go downstairs.
All right?
I'll make you boys
some cocoa,
And I still have
the butter cookies,
And everything will be fine,
honey.
I'll protect you
from your mean, old daddy.
Isn't this nice?
I love it.
- Scared myself
a little.