Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 3, Episode 14 - Pants on Fire - full transcript

- There he is.

There's my boy.

- You two like to be alone?

- So, raymond, three more days
before your birthday, huh?

Getting excited?

- Yeah.

One year closer
to looking like this.

- Well, just make sure
I can find you at 8:46

To give you
your birth minute kiss.

- You always find me, ma.

- But don't be
in the shower this time.



That was awkward.

- Hey, ma, how about
this picture of me

At my first birthday
party, huh?

- Oh, yes.

Look, he's so adorable.

- Yeah, big smile,
face full of cake.

So happy.

You weren't around yet.

- There was no party.

We just smeared chocolate
on your face

And took the picture.

- Frank!

- What's he talking about, ma?

- Well, you see, dear,
little babies



Really don't have any idea
it's their birthday.

- They're too dumb.

- So we took a picture
so we'd have something

To show you
when you got older.

- What about this picture of
raymond on his first birthday?

It looks like he's having
a party.

- Well, of course.
Raymond had a party.

- What?

- Let me tell you what I learned
about children, dear.

See, with the first one, you
might make a couple of mistakes.

But...

If you're sensitive,

You don't make the same ones
with the second child.

Oof, could we please
put on the heat?

- It's too expensive.

- I'm freezing, frank.

What is it with you,

We all have to get pneumonia
so you can save three cents?

- You know,
most of the body's heat

Escapes through the head,

So you might want to seal up
any large openings.

- I'm cold too.

- Ah, you cupcake.

Why don't you go
back to your house?

- There's kids there.

- Whoa, whoa,
what are you doing?

- Snuggling
for body warmth.

- I'm puttin' on the heat.

Don't get
too comfortable there.

[rattling]

What is that sound?

[click]

- It's like...Rattling.

- I know it's
rattling, columbo.

Where's it coming from?

- Where your heart
should be.

- It's coming
from the vent in here.

There it is.

- Spiders.
Look out for spiders.

Hey.

- Oh, god,
you're kidding me.

- What is it, raymond?

- It's a steel city
beer bottle cap.

Man, I haven't seen one
of these since high school.

- Frank, what are you doing
throwing bottle caps in there?

- It wasn't me.

I never drank
that stuff.

- Well, then where'd it
come from?

- Oh, I can tell you that.

I remember one week

When you and dad
went to florida...

["free bird" playing]

Hey, bill caddy, you spaz!

Hey.
Here, man.

Yeah-eee!

- Hey, dizzy,
cool fiesta.

- I know.
Right, man?

- Yeah.
- It worked out.

Hey, here's that part...

[music gets louder]

- Whoo-hoo!
- Oh, you fem!

Hey, give me that.
Thanks.

- [laughs]

- Hey, check it out.

Check it out.
Check it out.

- Whoa!
- Ha ha!

Right in there.
- Diz the wiz.

- Yes, sir, dominique.

- You had a party
in my house?

- Not a party.

Fiesta.

- You drank?

- Ma, it was 20 years ago.

- And I'm just finding out
about it now?

Was that the only party?

- Uhh...

- Oh, my god.

What else did you
lie to me about?

Did you smoke?

- What, at that party?

- Oh, my god.

Did you smoke?

- Smoke what?

- Oh, my god!

Oh!

- Come on, ma...

- This is how I raised you?

Didn't I tell you
not to smoke?

How many times did I tell you
not to smoke...

Or drink, or do anything?

I mean, what--

And how many times
have you lied to me?

- This was the one time.

- That's another lie.

You lied to your mother.

- Everybody lied
to their mother.

- I don't care
about everybody else.

You're my son.
I trusted you.

And every day that you pretended
to be a good boy,

You were lying to me.

- All right, ma.

What?

What do you
want me to say, ma?

- Nothing.

I don't want you
to say anything.

- Ma.

- I, for one, am shocked
and disappointed.

- Eww.
Ray!

- My birthday.

- All right.
Okay.

If you're sure
that's the one special thing

You want to do today...

- No.
No, no.

No, no.
That's not it.

By the way,
that one special thing--

We're doing it twice.

- Happy birthday, ray.

You wanted skis, right?

- That's funny.
Big skis, small box.

Tell you what,
I'll keep the gift

And return the joke.

So, ma, how are you?

- I'm fine.

- All right,
come on, let's go.

Let out any of that anger
you got built up in there.

- I'm not angry.

Hurt, confused,
disillusioned, maybe.

- Stop overreacting,
marie.

So he did a little rebelling
when he was a kid.

- What rebelling?

I never gave him anything
to rebel against.

- Oh, pshh, yeah.

- You had a nice childhood.
You hear me?

Nice.
Nurturing and nice.

I was a good mother.

- She's nuts.

- Yeah, and water's wet.

You know,
I never told you this,

But I used to think of you

As kind
of a weak little mama's boy.

- You told me that.

- Well, not anymore.

Now I see
you're a troublemaker.

I'm a troublemaker too.

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.

- Okay, all right.
I'm going in here now.

- During the war, I found
this freak show in korea

Where the star
attraction--

- Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?

- Swappin' stories with you...

Diz the wiz!

[laughs]
- all right.

- So...What's with you,
goofy?

- Come on.

You know what part
of my birthday's coming up.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- That's right.

It's time for
"debra feels too guilty

To turn down ray
on his birthday."

- Whoo-hoo.

Well, all right, then.

- Ha ha!

- You know,
I have to say, ray,

I am really proud of you,

'cause I thought you'd be
sort of obsessing now

About what your mom
thinks about you.

And, you know,
you didn't even care

That she didn't give you

Your birth minute kiss
this year, huh?

- What time is it?

- I don't know.
10:00.

- You're right.

She didn't give me
my birth minute kiss.

8:46 every birthday.

8:46, bam.
Every year.

- Yeah.

But you're okay
about it now.

You grew up,
and you realized

You didn't need it,
right?

- Right.

I'm sorry.
- What?

- I can't do this
if my mother hasn't kissed me.

Hey, ma.

- Hi, dear.
You hu--

- What?
What?

You were gonna say,
"are you hungry?", right?

- Just a habit...

Like smoking.

- Hey, look, I'm wearing
that sweater you got me.

Good thing, too,
'cause it's freezing in here.

That dad--
isn't he horrible?

So is that cake for me,

'cause you feel bad
about not helping debra

With mine?

That debra,
isn't she a terrible cook?

Let me taste
some of that.

- Not for you.

- All right, look,

I'm sorry about,
you know...

I'm sorry I got you mad.

Uh...

And...I'm sorry
that I didn't tell you

About all the bad stuff I did.

And...

I'm sorry that I did
all the bad stuff, so...

Okay?

- No.

You're just saying that
to make me be happy.

- All right, look,
don't--don't be happy.

Just be...
The way that you were.

- Beer me, marie.

Hey, diz the wiz.

If I were you,
I'd be careful.

This one's a troublemaker.

[laughs]

- Come on, ma.

You got to get over this.

Dad likes me too much.

- Excuse me.

- All right, look,
I'm sorry.

I'm not your
good little boy anymore.

I'm sorry.

- So am I.

- Hey.

- Robbie!

Ho ho ho, robbie!

[laughs]

- What?
What?

- I'm just so happy
to see you.

Oh, you brought your laundry.

Good, honey.

Is this everything?

- Nah, that's just
socks and underwear.

- Oh.

- Yeah, the rest
is in the patrol car.

- No, no, come here, honey.
Sit down, sit down.

Are you hungry?

- I'll have whatever
raymond's having.

- He isn't having anything.

But I made you your favorite:

Steak and macaroni and cheese
and ham alfredo.

- Lay it on me,
mamacita.

- Anything happen
at work today, dear?

Robert?

- Oh, me?

- Yeah.

- Nah.

- I always want to hear
about your job.

- Oh, come on.

- I'm talking
to your brother.

- Oh, well,
let's see, um...

Well, yesterday
I spent all day

Catching up
on the paper work.

And then today I find out
that the city issued new forms

And now I have to spend
a whole other day

Filling out
the new paperwork.

- [laughing]

That's terrific.

New forms.

- All right, what the hell's
going on here?

- What do you mean, dear?

- All this...Nice.

- Yeah, come on,
stop it, ma.

You're freaking him out.

- What, I can't just be
happy to see you?

- [whistles]

- I've got a surprise for you.

- Yeah, what,
you gonna bring dad out?

He's written
a song about me?

- Better.

Happy first birthday.

- Oh, my god.

- I always felt bad about
skipping your first birthday,

So...Ta-da!

I love you.

- Thanks, ma.

I love you too.

- Yeah, now turn over.
She'll powder your ass.

- I'm gonna start
your laundry,

And then you and I are gonna
have a piece of your cake.

- Ahh.

Can I, uh, cut you a piece
to go, ray?

- Yeah.

Just so you know,
that's my cake, okay?

She actually made it
for my birthday.

- Huh, for your birthday?
Okay, let's see...

"happy birthday, robbie."

So, what, is that,
like, a typo?

- Come on.

You know she's just tryin'
to make me feel guilty

For that high school party
I had.

- Raymond, raymond,
raymond, raymond.

You know, I sort of--
sort of feel

A little sorry for you,
cubby, huh?

I really do.
- Get out of here.

Get out of here.

- Look at you, huh?

Your whole life,

You always been
mom's favorite, right?

It's always been
75% you, 25% me.

- What do you got,
a pie chart?

- No pie.

Cake.

And it appears
the numbers have changed.

- Yeah, well, good.

Good.
Congratulations.

You get more her.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

And it's killin' you,
huh, mama's boy?

- I am not a mama's boy.

- Not anymore.

- Okay, it's cake time.

Where's the other one?

- He said some mean things
then took off.

- Don't listen to him.

Don't listen
to him.

- Ah, this is great.
Should we get dad?

- Why ruin it?

- Ah.

- This is nice,
isn't it?

- Oh, very nice.

- Okay.

Mmm.

Good?

- Mmm, yeah.

That's a nice blouse.

- Thank you.

- Where'd you get it?

- I don't know...
Bloomingdale's.

- How 'bout that, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

- They got blouses now, huh?

- Yeah, sure, dear.
All kinds.

- Huh.

- Milk?

- Mmm, please.
- Okay.

Be right back.

Oh, look at that.

Raymond tracked in
dirt on the floor.

You think
you know a person...

- I don't know, ma.
I think that's been there.

- Don't try to defend him.

How's your cake?

- It's great.
- Yeah.

- Poor raymond.

You know, ma,
he's really not that bad.

- How do we know
what he is?

Eat your cake.

- You're really on his case,
huh, ma?

I've never seen you
like this before.

I mean, would you
be this mad at me

If it had been my party
back in high school?

- What?

- No, I'm just saying
that you seemed to be,

You know, so mad--
- wait a minute, wait a minute.

Are you saying
it was your party?

- What?
What'd I say?

- Oh, oh, my god,
it was your party.

- What?

- Robert, please, no more.
No more lies.

- It's not a lie.

- No, no, no, no.
I see now.

Raymond said
it was his party

To keep you from
getting into trouble,

And you let him!

- No, no!

- Oh, he lied to protect you.

I know my raymond
was a good boy!

I knew I was a good mother.

I need to talk to raymond!

- Let's do this
again sometime.

- Raymond dear...

- Hey.

- Robert just told me.

- Told you what?

- That it was his party.

- Huh?

- That was such a nice thing
that you did,

To cover for your brother
like that.

- He told you
it was his party?

- Here's your cake,
sweetie.

The world
makes sense again.

- Is this for me?

- Oh, you deserve ten cakes.

- Yeah, but--but--

- You made up
that whole story

Just to protect
your brother?

- I didn't want
to get him in trouble.

- Here you go, dear.

- Mmm.

Mmm!

Nobody makes cake
like you!

- And nobody
eats it like you.

- You know,
robert's not that bad.

- I know.

And it was
20 years ago anyway.

So let's save him
a piece of cake.

- Yeah.

A big one.

And you know what,

He can have
this whole cake too.

[laughs]
yeah.

- You know,
I-I still need

To give you
your birth minute kiss.

- Come on, ma.

I'm a little
too old for that.

All right, if it'll
make you happy, go ahead.

Okay.

- Where'd the cake go?

Oh, crap,
what happened?