Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 3, Episode 13 - Ping Pong - full transcript
When Ray finds out that Frank used to let him win at Ping Pong as a kid, he challenges Frank to a rematch.
- [whistling]
- You're pretty happy,
aren't you?
- [whistles]
Got to go to florida
next week to cover the pga.
Might have to play
a few rounds myself.
What is not
to be happy about?
- Oh, how about
my growing resentment?
- Well, you have your hobby,
and I have mine.
[clattering]
No!
Aaah!
Sweetheart.
[groaning]
I know you're up there.
Come down here.
Come down now!
Come on, come on.
No.
This isn't going to happen.
No smiling.
Get on the couch.
Get on the couch.
We have to talk.
You understand?
We're going to have
a long talk here.
Get over here.
Up on the couch.
This can't happen.
This can't happen.
No, over here.
Hey--hey, you!
On the couch.
- [laughs]
- no, don't laugh.
Listen.
Turn around.
No.
It's not funny.
Do you know that
that's daddy's golf bag?
Both: Yeah.
- Yeah, you do.
Well, do you know
what titanium is?
Both: Yeah.
- Do you know
how hard daddy works?
Both: Yeah.
- Don't you know golf
is all daddy has?
Both: Yeah.
- Yeah, smile.
It's going to be funny
when we send you a postcard
From disneyland,
isn't it?
Yeah.
- Okay, right
down here, boys.
- Okay.
Well, don't push, ray.
- You gave me
the heavy end.
Hold on.
Hold on.
- You got it?
Ma, why do you need
all this fabric?
- I got it real cheap,
and I'm going to make
Beautiful curtains
for your apartment.
- Great, ma.
Is it flame retardant?
- Of course.
- Just my luck.
- All right, come on, ma.
Where do you want it?
- Okay, open up that ping-pong
table and lay it out,
And be very careful.
Make sure
you wipe off the table
Before you put it down.
- Yep.
- What was that?
- Nothing, ma!
Robert just fell!
- On the fabric?
- No!
- All right.
- Well, there it is.
- Oh, god.
- What's the problem?
- I'm just thinking
about my childhood
And dad playing us
in ping-pong.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, and the rhyming
of the scores.
- "10 serving 3.
You can't compete with me."
- "14 serving 1.
You're really
not my son."
- How about this move
Every time
he'd score a point?
[humming]
- Yeah, and then he'd do
that voodoo.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, get away.
I know.
- He made you cry.
- He--I didn't cry.
- You cried.
- The ball hit me
in the eye.
- Then you cried.
- Yeah, my body
was reacting.
- To the desire to cry.
- Come on.
Let's pick it up.
[groaning]
Who was it
who finally beat dad, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah, who was that?
- Of course.
The first
of the many raymond glories.
- Got him
with my ray-man spin ball.
Voom!
- Yeah.
Dad was so crushed,
So sad.
- Yeah.
That was great.
I didn't have to play ping-pong
with him ever again.
- You talking about playing
ping-pong with your father?
I always hated that.
He made my raymond cry.
- Ah!
- I didn't cry.
- Oh, honey.
Your big brown eyes
getting watery,
The little sniffles.
You were so precious.
- I was not.
- Ah, raymond.
- Ah, I'm glad he finally
let you win that time.
- What?
- Now, how would
you and debra
Like a bedspread
made out of this?
- No, no, ma, ma.
I beat dad, okay?
I beat him.
Don't you remember?
When I was in eighth grade;
it was in March,
And I came home,
and I put my sneakers on,
And I had
a fluffernutter.
I remember.
I remember.
I remember the fluffernutter
Because I thought it would
help me beat him.
But after I won, I realized
it had nothing to do
With the fluffernutter.
Ma?
- Whatever you say,
dear.
- So dad let you win.
Interesting.
- No, he didn't.
No, he did not.
It was me, pal.
I was on.
I was on that day.
- Yeah.
- Dad?
- Sorry, ma.
- What?
Where are you going?
- Can't miss this!
- Hey, dad,
I want to ask you something.
- I'm watching here.
- Hey, dad.
The last time you
played ping-pong,
Did you let ray
beat you?
- Yeah.
Quiet.
- Ah!
- You--you did not, dad!
- Hey, give me that!
- Dad, I beat you.
Don't you remember
the ray-man spin ball?
- Ray, I learned to play
in korea,
From koreans.
You think some punk kid's
going to actually beat me?
- No, dad.
You were trying to win.
You were sweating
and panting.
- I'm a damn fine actor.
- I saw your face
when I won.
- You mean this face?
"I'm so sad
and weak and old.
There's no way I could have
returned ray's spinny ball."
- You let me win?
- Morning, sunshine.
Now can I watch tv?
- You never let me win.
- You never cried.
- I didn't cry.
- You cried.
- I want a rematch.
- I'd be all for it
If there was any chance
of making a man out of you,
But that horse
has long since left the barn.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, that--that horse
is going to kick your butt.
Come on.
Come on,
if you let me win back then,
You should have no problem
beating me now, right?
Unless...
- What are you saying?
- It's what I'm not saying.
- Okay, tough guy.
You're on.
- Good.
- You got the balls?
- Yeah, don't worry
about me, pal, okay?
Oh, yeah.
We got to buy some balls.
- Tomorrow then.
- Tomorrow.
- Can I play winner?
[ping-pong ball bouncing]
- Ray, come on.
- You're still up?
- No.
Now I'm up.
You know--
You know what
would be louder?
If you hit the ball
directly against my head.
Come on, come on.
Come to bed.
- Sorry.
No sex before a game.
- Yeah, that's not a problem.
Come on.
- I need to practice.
- I need to sleep, honey.
I got to take the kids
to the doctor in the morning,
And then I need to see
a lawyer about divorcing you.
- No, no, no.
You know what,
this is good.
You can help me here.
The key to my father's
whole game is trash talk,
All right, so just start
mouthing off.
Just call me nancy.
- Ray.
- No, no.
Nancy, or sally.
Or pansy--
pansy's always good.
- Listen, this shouldn't be
that big of a deal.
Your father has always
given you a hard time.
You should be
used to it by now.
- I am.
Look,
the thing is this.
I beat him, okay,
and I always had that on him.
If I didn't really win
that game,
I'm just 12 years old
crying in the basement.
- I thought a ball hit you
in the eye.
You want to talk about it?
- No!
No, I would like you
to support me on this.
- Why?
- Oh, nothing I do
is important, right?
I'm just here
to support you.
"oh, ray, you got to stick up
for me with your parents.
"ray, your parents
are bothering me.
Ray, your parents--
they're in my face!"
Yeah, okay.
But the minute
I need you--
- You're pathetic.
- All right, forget it.
Forget it.
- No, come on,
come on.
All right.
You're pathetic, nancy.
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, look at you.
You're soft.
You're weak.
- Yeah, this is good.
- Yeah.
Oh, you're a crybaby.
- Easy.
- Sorry.
- Raymond,
I just want you to know
That your father
is a very sore loser.
But when he wins,
he's a gloating moron.
Here.
I brought you some lasagna
for strength.
- Thanks, mom.
- Okay.
- Maybe after
the game though.
I just had
a fluffernutter sandwich.
- Hey, I want you to know, ray,
I'm rooting for you too.
- Oh, thanks, robert.
- Don't get all choked up.
It's more of an anti-dad thing
than pro-you.
- Hear ye, hear ye.
Will all women
and children
Please retreat
to a safe distance...
Except for
my little girl raymond.
One butt-shellacking
coming up.
- Go get him, dad.
- What the hell's that?
- I got caught up
in the hype.
- Marie, get a mop,
'cause after I play ray,
The floor's going
to be soaked with tears.
- Yeah, but they're
going to be your tears
'cause it's going to be
your funeral.
- If it's my funeral,
how could I be crying?
Nice try.
- I thought it
was good, raymond.
- Ooh, look,
ray's got a cheerleader.
Warn me when you're
going to do a split.
- All right,
here's the ball.
Let's keep it clean.
No biting.
- Volley for serve?
- No, go ahead.
You take it, dad.
- Oh, thank you.
Zero serving zero.
Ray can kiss my rear-o.
- Come on.
- The voodoo.
- Yeah, okay.
- Point: Dad.
- [humming]
- Maybe you should take
a bite of the lasagna.
- I'm fine.
I'm fine.
- Then take a bite
out of this.
One serving zip.
I see a quivering
lower lip.
- Point: Dad.
- [humming]
I haven't danced this much
since my prom.
- Yeah, yeah.
It's like vaudeville.
Just hit the damn ball.
- Two serving nada.
I'm ashamed to be
his fadda.
- [laughs]
Ow!
Point: Dad!
You did that on purpose.
- No, I did not.
Shut up, robert.
- Don't tell your brother
to shut up.
- Just serve, dad.
- All right.
- Point: Dad.
- Hee hee hee.
That time, I didn't even rhyme.
- Yeah, all right.
Come on, just play.
- That doesn't exactly sound
like a winner, does it, robert?
- I don't believe so, dad.
- Aah!
- Point: Dad.
- All right,
all right.
- No, no, no, no.
Fight back.
Talk dirty
to your father.
- What?
- Say "ass."
- Ma, come on.
- Come on, ray, you going
to talk some more trash to me?
- No--
I don't know.
I'm distracted by the shine
off your scalp.
[laughter]
- That's a good one,
raymond.
'cause you're bald.
- Take all the skin
off my head,
It still wouldn't
cover ray's nose.
- Ooh.
- Yeah, well,
I wish you would
'cause then I wouldn't have
to smell your head
Without the skin on it.
- What's that
supposed to mean?
- It means shut up, robert.
That's what it means.
- I don't like that, raymond.
- No? Well, you too.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
- Sorry.
Sorry!
- [scoffs]
- I actually liked you
on the other side better
Because the tilt of the basement
was working in my favor.
Your serve, nancy.
- Yeah?
Oh, nancy.
Too bad I trained for nancy.
- Point: Dad.
- Damn it!
- [laughs]
If you have a point in you,
you better break it out,
'cause you lose this one,
seven-nothing, game over.
Skunk-ity skunk skunk skunk.
Ray, are you crying?
- Yeah.
I'm not crying.
- I see moisture, crybaby.
- It's sweat,
all right?
Just leave me alone.
Ball.
- [laughs]
[fake crying]
- Zero serving six.
You're fat, and you smell.
- Point, match: Dad.
- You know, I got to hand it
to you, ray.
That's the best
I've ever seen you play.
I almost had to use
my good hand.
[laughs]
Lemonade, marie.
- Yeah, well, now you know
what it feels like.
- What?
- Now you know
what it feels like
When someone lets you win.
- [gasps]
- What are you saying?
- Nothing.
I let you win.
- No, you didn't.
I could tell
you were trying to win.
- Yeah.
Okay, all right.
- Yeah, I know people.
I know how they act.
You were not acting.
- Oh, what do you--
oh, yeah, you mean this?
You mean this?
"damn it!"
"ahh!"
Like that?
- That's it.
We're going again right now.
- No, no!
- Come on.
Serve.
- Oh, boy, that doesn't sound
like a winner, does it, robert?
- I don't know what
I'm supposed to do here.
- You admit that I beat you
right now.
- I would if it was true.
- Come on.
Serve the damn ball!
- No!
- Do what I say!
- No, I'm not!
[door slams]
- There you go.
Not bad, huh?
- Raymond, that was terrible.
- What?
- You can't take
a man's dignity away like that.
- Dignity?
Dad?
Come on.
The man mows his lawn
in his underwear.
And he cleans his ear
with his pen.
He rhymed "zero"
with "rear-o."
- So, ma,
quick game?
- You know,
I want to say one thing.
Anytime we've ever played
ping-pong,
Or played anything,
you've always been...
- Better?
- A jerk.
- A jerk?
I'm not a jerk.
I'm a survivor!
- No, jerk,
I think, works.
- Let me tell you something.
When I came back
from korea,
I had no money
and no skills.
Sure, I was good
with a bayonet,
But you can't put that
on a resume.
It puts people off!
I had nothing!
- You had mom.
Sorry.
- I worked in a restaurant,
a meat-packing plant,
A bowling alley,
And they all ended
the same way
With the same
lame-ass excuse.
"broke too many dishes."
"too slow
with the giblets."
"I'm sorry.
You've been replaced
By a machine
that rolls the ball back."
- You were an accountant.
- Yeah, by the time
you came along,
I was an accountant.
Not even an accountant.
Bookkeeper.
- So?
So what?
That's a good career.
- That's a job!
You think I liked it?
Sitting there all day?
Then the traffic,
the idiots.
That is life!
And you've got
to be tough!
I tried to show you that.
- With...Ping-pong?
- I was good at ping-pong.
I never lost a game.
- So this is all
for my own good--
The taunting, the trash talk,
the dancing.
All that is to help me?
- You're welcome.
- So if you were trying
to help me back then,
Then why did
we stop playing?
- Because you beat me.
- I did?
- Yeah.
- You didn't let me win?
- No.
- Well, look, if it makes you
feel any better,
You just beat me.
- You're just saying that.
- No, I'm not.
It's true.
I was trying my best
down there,
And you skunked me.
- I knew it!
- Oh, come on.
- I'm still number one.
[humming]
- All, right, dad.
What about the tough life
And you trying
to make me better?
- Meant every word.
- Okay, so, ah,
another lesson, right?
- Watch and learn.
[humming]
- All right,
here we go, cubby.
- Trash talk allowed,
right?
- Bring it on.
- All right.
Zero serving zero.
You experimented
in camp.
- You're pretty happy,
aren't you?
- [whistles]
Got to go to florida
next week to cover the pga.
Might have to play
a few rounds myself.
What is not
to be happy about?
- Oh, how about
my growing resentment?
- Well, you have your hobby,
and I have mine.
[clattering]
No!
Aaah!
Sweetheart.
[groaning]
I know you're up there.
Come down here.
Come down now!
Come on, come on.
No.
This isn't going to happen.
No smiling.
Get on the couch.
Get on the couch.
We have to talk.
You understand?
We're going to have
a long talk here.
Get over here.
Up on the couch.
This can't happen.
This can't happen.
No, over here.
Hey--hey, you!
On the couch.
- [laughs]
- no, don't laugh.
Listen.
Turn around.
No.
It's not funny.
Do you know that
that's daddy's golf bag?
Both: Yeah.
- Yeah, you do.
Well, do you know
what titanium is?
Both: Yeah.
- Do you know
how hard daddy works?
Both: Yeah.
- Don't you know golf
is all daddy has?
Both: Yeah.
- Yeah, smile.
It's going to be funny
when we send you a postcard
From disneyland,
isn't it?
Yeah.
- Okay, right
down here, boys.
- Okay.
Well, don't push, ray.
- You gave me
the heavy end.
Hold on.
Hold on.
- You got it?
Ma, why do you need
all this fabric?
- I got it real cheap,
and I'm going to make
Beautiful curtains
for your apartment.
- Great, ma.
Is it flame retardant?
- Of course.
- Just my luck.
- All right, come on, ma.
Where do you want it?
- Okay, open up that ping-pong
table and lay it out,
And be very careful.
Make sure
you wipe off the table
Before you put it down.
- Yep.
- What was that?
- Nothing, ma!
Robert just fell!
- On the fabric?
- No!
- All right.
- Well, there it is.
- Oh, god.
- What's the problem?
- I'm just thinking
about my childhood
And dad playing us
in ping-pong.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, and the rhyming
of the scores.
- "10 serving 3.
You can't compete with me."
- "14 serving 1.
You're really
not my son."
- How about this move
Every time
he'd score a point?
[humming]
- Yeah, and then he'd do
that voodoo.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, get away.
I know.
- He made you cry.
- He--I didn't cry.
- You cried.
- The ball hit me
in the eye.
- Then you cried.
- Yeah, my body
was reacting.
- To the desire to cry.
- Come on.
Let's pick it up.
[groaning]
Who was it
who finally beat dad, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah, who was that?
- Of course.
The first
of the many raymond glories.
- Got him
with my ray-man spin ball.
Voom!
- Yeah.
Dad was so crushed,
So sad.
- Yeah.
That was great.
I didn't have to play ping-pong
with him ever again.
- You talking about playing
ping-pong with your father?
I always hated that.
He made my raymond cry.
- Ah!
- I didn't cry.
- Oh, honey.
Your big brown eyes
getting watery,
The little sniffles.
You were so precious.
- I was not.
- Ah, raymond.
- Ah, I'm glad he finally
let you win that time.
- What?
- Now, how would
you and debra
Like a bedspread
made out of this?
- No, no, ma, ma.
I beat dad, okay?
I beat him.
Don't you remember?
When I was in eighth grade;
it was in March,
And I came home,
and I put my sneakers on,
And I had
a fluffernutter.
I remember.
I remember.
I remember the fluffernutter
Because I thought it would
help me beat him.
But after I won, I realized
it had nothing to do
With the fluffernutter.
Ma?
- Whatever you say,
dear.
- So dad let you win.
Interesting.
- No, he didn't.
No, he did not.
It was me, pal.
I was on.
I was on that day.
- Yeah.
- Dad?
- Sorry, ma.
- What?
Where are you going?
- Can't miss this!
- Hey, dad,
I want to ask you something.
- I'm watching here.
- Hey, dad.
The last time you
played ping-pong,
Did you let ray
beat you?
- Yeah.
Quiet.
- Ah!
- You--you did not, dad!
- Hey, give me that!
- Dad, I beat you.
Don't you remember
the ray-man spin ball?
- Ray, I learned to play
in korea,
From koreans.
You think some punk kid's
going to actually beat me?
- No, dad.
You were trying to win.
You were sweating
and panting.
- I'm a damn fine actor.
- I saw your face
when I won.
- You mean this face?
"I'm so sad
and weak and old.
There's no way I could have
returned ray's spinny ball."
- You let me win?
- Morning, sunshine.
Now can I watch tv?
- You never let me win.
- You never cried.
- I didn't cry.
- You cried.
- I want a rematch.
- I'd be all for it
If there was any chance
of making a man out of you,
But that horse
has long since left the barn.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, that--that horse
is going to kick your butt.
Come on.
Come on,
if you let me win back then,
You should have no problem
beating me now, right?
Unless...
- What are you saying?
- It's what I'm not saying.
- Okay, tough guy.
You're on.
- Good.
- You got the balls?
- Yeah, don't worry
about me, pal, okay?
Oh, yeah.
We got to buy some balls.
- Tomorrow then.
- Tomorrow.
- Can I play winner?
[ping-pong ball bouncing]
- Ray, come on.
- You're still up?
- No.
Now I'm up.
You know--
You know what
would be louder?
If you hit the ball
directly against my head.
Come on, come on.
Come to bed.
- Sorry.
No sex before a game.
- Yeah, that's not a problem.
Come on.
- I need to practice.
- I need to sleep, honey.
I got to take the kids
to the doctor in the morning,
And then I need to see
a lawyer about divorcing you.
- No, no, no.
You know what,
this is good.
You can help me here.
The key to my father's
whole game is trash talk,
All right, so just start
mouthing off.
Just call me nancy.
- Ray.
- No, no.
Nancy, or sally.
Or pansy--
pansy's always good.
- Listen, this shouldn't be
that big of a deal.
Your father has always
given you a hard time.
You should be
used to it by now.
- I am.
Look,
the thing is this.
I beat him, okay,
and I always had that on him.
If I didn't really win
that game,
I'm just 12 years old
crying in the basement.
- I thought a ball hit you
in the eye.
You want to talk about it?
- No!
No, I would like you
to support me on this.
- Why?
- Oh, nothing I do
is important, right?
I'm just here
to support you.
"oh, ray, you got to stick up
for me with your parents.
"ray, your parents
are bothering me.
Ray, your parents--
they're in my face!"
Yeah, okay.
But the minute
I need you--
- You're pathetic.
- All right, forget it.
Forget it.
- No, come on,
come on.
All right.
You're pathetic, nancy.
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, look at you.
You're soft.
You're weak.
- Yeah, this is good.
- Yeah.
Oh, you're a crybaby.
- Easy.
- Sorry.
- Raymond,
I just want you to know
That your father
is a very sore loser.
But when he wins,
he's a gloating moron.
Here.
I brought you some lasagna
for strength.
- Thanks, mom.
- Okay.
- Maybe after
the game though.
I just had
a fluffernutter sandwich.
- Hey, I want you to know, ray,
I'm rooting for you too.
- Oh, thanks, robert.
- Don't get all choked up.
It's more of an anti-dad thing
than pro-you.
- Hear ye, hear ye.
Will all women
and children
Please retreat
to a safe distance...
Except for
my little girl raymond.
One butt-shellacking
coming up.
- Go get him, dad.
- What the hell's that?
- I got caught up
in the hype.
- Marie, get a mop,
'cause after I play ray,
The floor's going
to be soaked with tears.
- Yeah, but they're
going to be your tears
'cause it's going to be
your funeral.
- If it's my funeral,
how could I be crying?
Nice try.
- I thought it
was good, raymond.
- Ooh, look,
ray's got a cheerleader.
Warn me when you're
going to do a split.
- All right,
here's the ball.
Let's keep it clean.
No biting.
- Volley for serve?
- No, go ahead.
You take it, dad.
- Oh, thank you.
Zero serving zero.
Ray can kiss my rear-o.
- Come on.
- The voodoo.
- Yeah, okay.
- Point: Dad.
- [humming]
- Maybe you should take
a bite of the lasagna.
- I'm fine.
I'm fine.
- Then take a bite
out of this.
One serving zip.
I see a quivering
lower lip.
- Point: Dad.
- [humming]
I haven't danced this much
since my prom.
- Yeah, yeah.
It's like vaudeville.
Just hit the damn ball.
- Two serving nada.
I'm ashamed to be
his fadda.
- [laughs]
Ow!
Point: Dad!
You did that on purpose.
- No, I did not.
Shut up, robert.
- Don't tell your brother
to shut up.
- Just serve, dad.
- All right.
- Point: Dad.
- Hee hee hee.
That time, I didn't even rhyme.
- Yeah, all right.
Come on, just play.
- That doesn't exactly sound
like a winner, does it, robert?
- I don't believe so, dad.
- Aah!
- Point: Dad.
- All right,
all right.
- No, no, no, no.
Fight back.
Talk dirty
to your father.
- What?
- Say "ass."
- Ma, come on.
- Come on, ray, you going
to talk some more trash to me?
- No--
I don't know.
I'm distracted by the shine
off your scalp.
[laughter]
- That's a good one,
raymond.
'cause you're bald.
- Take all the skin
off my head,
It still wouldn't
cover ray's nose.
- Ooh.
- Yeah, well,
I wish you would
'cause then I wouldn't have
to smell your head
Without the skin on it.
- What's that
supposed to mean?
- It means shut up, robert.
That's what it means.
- I don't like that, raymond.
- No? Well, you too.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
- Sorry.
Sorry!
- [scoffs]
- I actually liked you
on the other side better
Because the tilt of the basement
was working in my favor.
Your serve, nancy.
- Yeah?
Oh, nancy.
Too bad I trained for nancy.
- Point: Dad.
- Damn it!
- [laughs]
If you have a point in you,
you better break it out,
'cause you lose this one,
seven-nothing, game over.
Skunk-ity skunk skunk skunk.
Ray, are you crying?
- Yeah.
I'm not crying.
- I see moisture, crybaby.
- It's sweat,
all right?
Just leave me alone.
Ball.
- [laughs]
[fake crying]
- Zero serving six.
You're fat, and you smell.
- Point, match: Dad.
- You know, I got to hand it
to you, ray.
That's the best
I've ever seen you play.
I almost had to use
my good hand.
[laughs]
Lemonade, marie.
- Yeah, well, now you know
what it feels like.
- What?
- Now you know
what it feels like
When someone lets you win.
- [gasps]
- What are you saying?
- Nothing.
I let you win.
- No, you didn't.
I could tell
you were trying to win.
- Yeah.
Okay, all right.
- Yeah, I know people.
I know how they act.
You were not acting.
- Oh, what do you--
oh, yeah, you mean this?
You mean this?
"damn it!"
"ahh!"
Like that?
- That's it.
We're going again right now.
- No, no!
- Come on.
Serve.
- Oh, boy, that doesn't sound
like a winner, does it, robert?
- I don't know what
I'm supposed to do here.
- You admit that I beat you
right now.
- I would if it was true.
- Come on.
Serve the damn ball!
- No!
- Do what I say!
- No, I'm not!
[door slams]
- There you go.
Not bad, huh?
- Raymond, that was terrible.
- What?
- You can't take
a man's dignity away like that.
- Dignity?
Dad?
Come on.
The man mows his lawn
in his underwear.
And he cleans his ear
with his pen.
He rhymed "zero"
with "rear-o."
- So, ma,
quick game?
- You know,
I want to say one thing.
Anytime we've ever played
ping-pong,
Or played anything,
you've always been...
- Better?
- A jerk.
- A jerk?
I'm not a jerk.
I'm a survivor!
- No, jerk,
I think, works.
- Let me tell you something.
When I came back
from korea,
I had no money
and no skills.
Sure, I was good
with a bayonet,
But you can't put that
on a resume.
It puts people off!
I had nothing!
- You had mom.
Sorry.
- I worked in a restaurant,
a meat-packing plant,
A bowling alley,
And they all ended
the same way
With the same
lame-ass excuse.
"broke too many dishes."
"too slow
with the giblets."
"I'm sorry.
You've been replaced
By a machine
that rolls the ball back."
- You were an accountant.
- Yeah, by the time
you came along,
I was an accountant.
Not even an accountant.
Bookkeeper.
- So?
So what?
That's a good career.
- That's a job!
You think I liked it?
Sitting there all day?
Then the traffic,
the idiots.
That is life!
And you've got
to be tough!
I tried to show you that.
- With...Ping-pong?
- I was good at ping-pong.
I never lost a game.
- So this is all
for my own good--
The taunting, the trash talk,
the dancing.
All that is to help me?
- You're welcome.
- So if you were trying
to help me back then,
Then why did
we stop playing?
- Because you beat me.
- I did?
- Yeah.
- You didn't let me win?
- No.
- Well, look, if it makes you
feel any better,
You just beat me.
- You're just saying that.
- No, I'm not.
It's true.
I was trying my best
down there,
And you skunked me.
- I knew it!
- Oh, come on.
- I'm still number one.
[humming]
- All, right, dad.
What about the tough life
And you trying
to make me better?
- Meant every word.
- Okay, so, ah,
another lesson, right?
- Watch and learn.
[humming]
- All right,
here we go, cubby.
- Trash talk allowed,
right?
- Bring it on.
- All right.
Zero serving zero.
You experimented
in camp.