Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 2, Episode 22 - Six Feet Under - full transcript
Ray has a mid-life crises when he finds out he's not six feet tall anymore.
- Shoes off,
Heels against
the wall,
Feet together,
head level.
Go ahead.
- Okay, and 5'11 3/4".
- No, no, no.
I'm 6 feet tall.
- Me next.
- No, wait, wait, ally.
Let daddy do it.
Go ahead, do it again.
- Okay.
5'11 3/4".
- No!
- It says 5'11 3/4".
- You can't tell
on a giraffe.
I'm 6 feet tall,
everybody.
I'm 6 feet tall.
Ray barone.
Black hair, brown eyes,
6 feet tall.
People say,
"who are you?"
I'm 6 feet tall,
that's who I am.
- All right.
And...
It's 5'11 3/4".
- Come on!
- That's what it says.
Look, 5'11 3/4".
- All right,
all right.
What, you like
saying it?
- You don't have to get
so upset about it.
- Guys care about height,
you know?
Just like women
care about weight.
- I don't care about weight.
- Yeah, you don't
'cause you only weigh
about, what, 140?
See?
Don't get on your high horse
If you can't take the smell.
- Ray, I'm sorry
about your height.
I still love you, okay?
The kids love you.
Don't you, kids?
See?
- I'm 6 feet tall.
- Honey, maybe you
were 6 feet tall,
But you just shrunk
a little bit.
- What do you mean, shrunk?
- Well, that happens, you know?
As you get older,
people tend to just--
- Shrink?
- Look, it's not a big deal.
It happens to everyone.
- I'm shrinking now?
- Ray, don't get all, you know--
- Oh, my god. I'm shrinking.
- Ray.
Ray!
Mommy is not 140.
- Raymond, raymond, raymond.
Sounds like you're having
a little midlife crisis.
- What?
No, no.
God, midlife crisis.
I don't want one of those.
- Ah, that's not the problem.
Come here, raygeleh.
You're worried
that you're not gonna accomplish
Everything
you set out to do in life.
- I am?
- Who knows?
But I went to this
self-improvement seminar
To meet women,
And I learned that
people with goals
Don't worry so much
about getting old.
- Did you meet anyone?
- No one.
Apparently, I don't
appeal to women with goals.
Why don't you go home,
hug your fathers,
And maybe
we'll win a game.
- You know what you
got to do, ray?
What they made us do
at the seminar.
You make a list
of the 100 things
You want to do before you die.
- 100?
[muttering]
- Easy.
Yeah, you just, you know,
think of the stuff
That you want in your life
that you don't have.
- Look, I don't need
any of that, all right?
All I need is
another quarter inch.
- Who doesn't?
- You are correct.
Right on the money.
- "things to do
before I die"?
- It's personal, okay?
Like you have your
feminine products.
- Is this about you shrinking?
- Maybe a little.
Look, the guys thought
That the reason the shrinking
thing is bothering me
Is 'cause I'm having
a midlife crisis.
Yeah, and I need
some goals, you know?
Something to shoot for.
- You want to have
an affair?
- What?
Where did that come from?
- Well, how come
you won't show me?
- Yeah, I put "have an affair"
on paper.
That's one of my goals.
"disappoint another woman."
- Huh.
Yeah, I get it.
Okay, just give me
the list, all right?
I just want to see it.
- Look, just keep in mind,
it's not really done yet.
- "peking duck."
"goat cheese pizza"?
What is this?
- That's--I told you.
It's goals and stuff.
- These are your goals?
These are restaurant specials.
- I've never had
the peking duck.
- So your goal
is just to eat things
You've never eaten before.
- Not entirely.
- "enlarged prostate."
- See?
That's something
that I want to avoid,
Not something I wish to eat.
- I see.
- What?
What are you--
- Well, ray, come on,
you're a writer.
Don't you want to
do something like,
I don't know, write
the great american novel or...
- I thought about that,
And then I thought,
I don't even want to read
the great american novel.
- Well, I mean, there's got to
be something else
You want to do besides...
"never throw up again."
- No.
That's it, see?
That's it.
I got nothing.
I got no dreams.
- Oh, ray, everybody
has dreams.
- Yeah, what do you have?
What's on your list?
- Me?
- Yeah.
- [scoffs]
Well, I just thought
that, you know,
After the kids grow up,
It might be nice if,
I don't know,
We moved upstate
And opened a little
bed-and-breakfast somewhere.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Bed-and-breakfast?
Coming in and out
of our house all the time?
- Yes, ray, strangers.
I'd like to try
strangers for a change.
- I don't know.
This is all
happening too fast.
- We don't have
to do it today, ray.
I'm just trying
to get you thinking.
- Yeah, I'm thinking I'd better
come up with something
Before I end up with
your bed-and-breakfast,
Tucking in a gay couple
from cleveland.
- All right, all right.
You know what?
Maybe the reason that you can't
Come up with any goals
for yourself
Is that, in your own ray way,
You're actually content.
- Where are you
picking up that vibe?
You have a great job,
a wonderful family,
A loving wife
who weighs nowhere near 140--
- Yeah, so what
are you saying?
So, I think maybe
you've already accomplished
More than you've
ever dreamed of.
- You really think so?
- I do.
Maybe you're
one of the lucky people
Who's actually
living his dream.
- Hmm.
- Hmm?
- Wow.
- Yeah, see?
You feel better?
- Yeah.
- What?
What, ray?
- I'm just--I'm thinking.
If what you said is true,
And I've already
done everything,
Then I guess
This is all there is.
- Hey.
Ah, good morning,
raymond.
Want some eggs?
- No. No, thanks.
Listen, I want to ask
you guys something.
Do you remember me
having a dream?
- I remember you
wetting the bed.
I mean, like,
what did I want to be?
- Dry.
- Morning.
- How many eggs, robbie?
- Uh, three,
And today I'd like them raw,
in a glass.
- What?
- I'm in training.
Gonna be running
the new york marathon this year.
- Come on, you really
gonna do that?
- That's right.
- Marathon, huh?
- Put me down for
a buck a mile.
- You don't pledge
for this one, dad.
- I'm not pledging.
I'm betting.
I say you're crying
like a little girl by mile two.
Hey, ray, you want
some of this action?
- Hey, look. At least
he's got a dream, right?
- Are you making fun, too?
- No, I'm actually jealous.
You have a dream.
I got nothing.
- Nothing.
You got nothing.
- What?
- House.
Wife.
Little daughter.
Twin boys.
That's nothing to you?
That was my dream!
Hello!
So why don't you just
go take your little midlife
"I'm shrinking,
I'm dying,
I don't have any dreams,"
And go right back
across the street to paradise.
- Look,
You don't understand.
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
I don't understand.
Just go, okay, because I'm gonna
tell you something.
I have--
Ow.
- Are you all right,
robbie?
- Yeah, fine, ma.
I'm fine.
Raymond.
- What?
What do you--
- Okay,
ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
Ow, ow, ow.
Guess I'm just gonna have to
Scratch dream number two
off my list.
Go ahead and cook
those eggs, ma.
- I should've put my money
on warm-up.
- Raymond, why didn't you
tell us
You were having
a midlife crisis?
- The announcements
are still being printed, ma.
- Here, sit down.
Have some eggs.
- You know what I always
wanted to do, ray?
Sing like tony bennett.
- Tony bennett?
- That's right.
But look at me.
Am I tony bennett?
- No.
- You see, you do a thing,
and that's what you are.
One guy lives in brooklyn.
One guy lives in sutton place.
Another guy's a lawyer.
One guy's a doctor.
Another guy dies.
Another guy gets well.
People are born--
- What the hell
are you talking about?
- Don't worry so much.
You die,
you did what you did.
- Frank, stop saying "die."
It's obvious
raymond's afraid of dying.
- Well, what am I
supposed to tell him,
That it's not gonna happen?
It's gonna happen.
You're gonna die.
- Thank you, dad.
- There you go.
- Raymond, you know
we're all afraid of death,
But the important thing
is to be ready, see?
Your father and I
have all we need right in here.
We have our will
And our insurance
And a deed to our burial plot.
- Where's the permit
to the neighbors' parade?
- Frank.
Frank, what is this?
- What?
- Our joint burial plot--
It only mentions one.
Where's the other plot?
- What?
Who cares?
I sold it.
- You sold half
of our joint burial plot?
- The people next to us
had an unexpected death.
They were very upset.
I got twice
what I paid for it.
- It wasn't yours
to sell!
- I sold my half
of the plot.
- How do you know
it wasn't my half, frank?
I always sleep
on the left.
- And when were you going
to tell me about this?
- I wasn't.
I figured if you went first,
you couldn't yell at me,
And if I went first,
yell all you want.
- You have always wanted
to leave me, haven't you?
- Till death do us part,
marie.
After that,
you're on your own.
- Why don't you fulfill
one of my dreams
And leave me alone now?
- Holy crap, we found
something we have in common!
- How bad can death be?
Hey, corn flake.
- Hi.
- Hey, guys.
- You're in
a good mood, huh?
- Yeah, I did a lot of
productive thinking today.
- Yeah?
- Gonna get cremated.
- What?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I think it just
makes sense, you know?
More sense than burial.
I'm not all that gung ho
about decomposing.
- How did you get onto this?
- Look, it pays
to think about these things.
Oh, hey, don't be
like that, either.
I don't want
a big, sad funeral, you know?
Make it like
a celebration, you know?
People telling stories,
Funny anecdotes about me,
you know?
Like a roast.
- What is wrong with you?
- Good news.
[laughs]
I found a cemetery
that can fit us all in.
- Uh, misery,
your company's here.
- Look.
It's beautiful.
But it may be
a little tight.
See, one of us
has to be vertical.
- I don't know, ma.
I'm thinking of going
cremation.
- Ohh!
You want to go off
on your own too?
This family
is falling apart.
- This does look nice,
though.
- See?
Debra, would you mind
being the vertical one?
- Why debra, ma?
- Well, it can't be
your brother.
His head would
stick out of the ground.
- Hey.
How about a wood chipper?
Then we can all fit into
one big trash bag.
- That's morbid, dear.
- Yes.
- Deb, you should
look at this.
This is pretty good.
Deb.
Deb!
You're gonna die, you know!
- Deb, look, I know
you're not excited
About spending eternity
with my parents,
But, you know, it's not going
to be like now
When all they have to do
is cross the street.
I mean, they're gonna have
to bust out of their coffins,
And you know, they
tunnel through the dirt
With, you know--
[growls]
Just to get to our coffin,
And then the, you know, banging,
And we could pretend
we're not even there.
- Shut up, shut up!
Would you stop it?
Stop talking about coffins.
- So you want to do
cremation with me?
- Ray, you're supposed to be
having a midlife crisis,
Not an end-of-life crisis.
- Hey, look, don't tell me
How to have
a midlife crisis, okay?
What would you know
about it?
- Because I've already
had mine!
- Really?
- Yes, a while ago.
- Oh, was that the perm?
- No.
- 'cause that didn't look good.
- It was two years ago.
- Well, you never acted like you
were having a midlife crisis.
- Ray, look at me.
I am rubbing cream
on my hands.
Do you know why
I'm rubbing cream on my hands?
- Because it's hand cream?
- No, because my skin
Isn't as soft and smooth
as it used to be.
Have you noticed?
- Well, I didn't want
to say anything--
- Shut up, ray.
That is why every night,
I take this cream
And desperately try
to turn back the clock,
And even though I know
this is a losing battle,
I still do it anyway.
That is how you have
a proper midlife crisis.
You do not start
planning your death.
You go into denial
Like a normal person!
Give me your shoes.
- What?
- Give me your shoes.
- All right, but I think
my shoes are soft enough.
- Give them to me.
When you started
going all nuts
About the height thing,
I bought these as a joke,
But now I think
they're actually gonna help.
So stick these on.
- Oh, come on.
These aren't going
to do anything.
- You want to be
6 feet tall?
Put them on.
- I'm not wearing lifts.
- They're not lifts.
They're extra-thick
odor eaters.
Two birds with one stone.
- Look, this doesn't really mean
I'm 6 feet tall.
- Hey, this cream doesn't mean
my hands are any softer
Than they used to be.
- I don't know.
I'm talking about death
here, okay?
You really think
some cheap insoles
Are gonna change
my whole outlook on--
Hey, these are kind of bouncy.
- Oh, yeah?
A little spring
in your step there, young man?
- Mm, yeah, but who am I
really fooling here?
- Hey, you only got to fool
one person,
And if I recall,
that person once asked me
If jell-o was a fruit.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Listen,
You do whatever
you need to do.
As for me, I am going to
put these tea bags
On my puffy eyes
And dream about
my bed-and-breakfast
By the lake.
Ah, good night.
- Hey, can you put these
in sneakers?
- [sighs]
Put them anywhere you want.
- [humming]
Ha-hah!
Feeling tall
and smelling good.
- Idiot.
- Frank, you want
your ice cream or not?
- He's not here, ma.
- Where'd he go?
- I don't know.
He said ray
got him thinking.
- Ray got him thinking?
- Yeah, you believe that?
- About what?
[piano lounge music]
- [singing]
I left my heart
In san francisco
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
My wife thinks
I'm in the bathroom.
[singing]
high on a hill
It calls to me
Heels against
the wall,
Feet together,
head level.
Go ahead.
- Okay, and 5'11 3/4".
- No, no, no.
I'm 6 feet tall.
- Me next.
- No, wait, wait, ally.
Let daddy do it.
Go ahead, do it again.
- Okay.
5'11 3/4".
- No!
- It says 5'11 3/4".
- You can't tell
on a giraffe.
I'm 6 feet tall,
everybody.
I'm 6 feet tall.
Ray barone.
Black hair, brown eyes,
6 feet tall.
People say,
"who are you?"
I'm 6 feet tall,
that's who I am.
- All right.
And...
It's 5'11 3/4".
- Come on!
- That's what it says.
Look, 5'11 3/4".
- All right,
all right.
What, you like
saying it?
- You don't have to get
so upset about it.
- Guys care about height,
you know?
Just like women
care about weight.
- I don't care about weight.
- Yeah, you don't
'cause you only weigh
about, what, 140?
See?
Don't get on your high horse
If you can't take the smell.
- Ray, I'm sorry
about your height.
I still love you, okay?
The kids love you.
Don't you, kids?
See?
- I'm 6 feet tall.
- Honey, maybe you
were 6 feet tall,
But you just shrunk
a little bit.
- What do you mean, shrunk?
- Well, that happens, you know?
As you get older,
people tend to just--
- Shrink?
- Look, it's not a big deal.
It happens to everyone.
- I'm shrinking now?
- Ray, don't get all, you know--
- Oh, my god. I'm shrinking.
- Ray.
Ray!
Mommy is not 140.
- Raymond, raymond, raymond.
Sounds like you're having
a little midlife crisis.
- What?
No, no.
God, midlife crisis.
I don't want one of those.
- Ah, that's not the problem.
Come here, raygeleh.
You're worried
that you're not gonna accomplish
Everything
you set out to do in life.
- I am?
- Who knows?
But I went to this
self-improvement seminar
To meet women,
And I learned that
people with goals
Don't worry so much
about getting old.
- Did you meet anyone?
- No one.
Apparently, I don't
appeal to women with goals.
Why don't you go home,
hug your fathers,
And maybe
we'll win a game.
- You know what you
got to do, ray?
What they made us do
at the seminar.
You make a list
of the 100 things
You want to do before you die.
- 100?
[muttering]
- Easy.
Yeah, you just, you know,
think of the stuff
That you want in your life
that you don't have.
- Look, I don't need
any of that, all right?
All I need is
another quarter inch.
- Who doesn't?
- You are correct.
Right on the money.
- "things to do
before I die"?
- It's personal, okay?
Like you have your
feminine products.
- Is this about you shrinking?
- Maybe a little.
Look, the guys thought
That the reason the shrinking
thing is bothering me
Is 'cause I'm having
a midlife crisis.
Yeah, and I need
some goals, you know?
Something to shoot for.
- You want to have
an affair?
- What?
Where did that come from?
- Well, how come
you won't show me?
- Yeah, I put "have an affair"
on paper.
That's one of my goals.
"disappoint another woman."
- Huh.
Yeah, I get it.
Okay, just give me
the list, all right?
I just want to see it.
- Look, just keep in mind,
it's not really done yet.
- "peking duck."
"goat cheese pizza"?
What is this?
- That's--I told you.
It's goals and stuff.
- These are your goals?
These are restaurant specials.
- I've never had
the peking duck.
- So your goal
is just to eat things
You've never eaten before.
- Not entirely.
- "enlarged prostate."
- See?
That's something
that I want to avoid,
Not something I wish to eat.
- I see.
- What?
What are you--
- Well, ray, come on,
you're a writer.
Don't you want to
do something like,
I don't know, write
the great american novel or...
- I thought about that,
And then I thought,
I don't even want to read
the great american novel.
- Well, I mean, there's got to
be something else
You want to do besides...
"never throw up again."
- No.
That's it, see?
That's it.
I got nothing.
I got no dreams.
- Oh, ray, everybody
has dreams.
- Yeah, what do you have?
What's on your list?
- Me?
- Yeah.
- [scoffs]
Well, I just thought
that, you know,
After the kids grow up,
It might be nice if,
I don't know,
We moved upstate
And opened a little
bed-and-breakfast somewhere.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Bed-and-breakfast?
Coming in and out
of our house all the time?
- Yes, ray, strangers.
I'd like to try
strangers for a change.
- I don't know.
This is all
happening too fast.
- We don't have
to do it today, ray.
I'm just trying
to get you thinking.
- Yeah, I'm thinking I'd better
come up with something
Before I end up with
your bed-and-breakfast,
Tucking in a gay couple
from cleveland.
- All right, all right.
You know what?
Maybe the reason that you can't
Come up with any goals
for yourself
Is that, in your own ray way,
You're actually content.
- Where are you
picking up that vibe?
You have a great job,
a wonderful family,
A loving wife
who weighs nowhere near 140--
- Yeah, so what
are you saying?
So, I think maybe
you've already accomplished
More than you've
ever dreamed of.
- You really think so?
- I do.
Maybe you're
one of the lucky people
Who's actually
living his dream.
- Hmm.
- Hmm?
- Wow.
- Yeah, see?
You feel better?
- Yeah.
- What?
What, ray?
- I'm just--I'm thinking.
If what you said is true,
And I've already
done everything,
Then I guess
This is all there is.
- Hey.
Ah, good morning,
raymond.
Want some eggs?
- No. No, thanks.
Listen, I want to ask
you guys something.
Do you remember me
having a dream?
- I remember you
wetting the bed.
I mean, like,
what did I want to be?
- Dry.
- Morning.
- How many eggs, robbie?
- Uh, three,
And today I'd like them raw,
in a glass.
- What?
- I'm in training.
Gonna be running
the new york marathon this year.
- Come on, you really
gonna do that?
- That's right.
- Marathon, huh?
- Put me down for
a buck a mile.
- You don't pledge
for this one, dad.
- I'm not pledging.
I'm betting.
I say you're crying
like a little girl by mile two.
Hey, ray, you want
some of this action?
- Hey, look. At least
he's got a dream, right?
- Are you making fun, too?
- No, I'm actually jealous.
You have a dream.
I got nothing.
- Nothing.
You got nothing.
- What?
- House.
Wife.
Little daughter.
Twin boys.
That's nothing to you?
That was my dream!
Hello!
So why don't you just
go take your little midlife
"I'm shrinking,
I'm dying,
I don't have any dreams,"
And go right back
across the street to paradise.
- Look,
You don't understand.
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
I don't understand.
Just go, okay, because I'm gonna
tell you something.
I have--
Ow.
- Are you all right,
robbie?
- Yeah, fine, ma.
I'm fine.
Raymond.
- What?
What do you--
- Okay,
ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
Ow, ow, ow.
Guess I'm just gonna have to
Scratch dream number two
off my list.
Go ahead and cook
those eggs, ma.
- I should've put my money
on warm-up.
- Raymond, why didn't you
tell us
You were having
a midlife crisis?
- The announcements
are still being printed, ma.
- Here, sit down.
Have some eggs.
- You know what I always
wanted to do, ray?
Sing like tony bennett.
- Tony bennett?
- That's right.
But look at me.
Am I tony bennett?
- No.
- You see, you do a thing,
and that's what you are.
One guy lives in brooklyn.
One guy lives in sutton place.
Another guy's a lawyer.
One guy's a doctor.
Another guy dies.
Another guy gets well.
People are born--
- What the hell
are you talking about?
- Don't worry so much.
You die,
you did what you did.
- Frank, stop saying "die."
It's obvious
raymond's afraid of dying.
- Well, what am I
supposed to tell him,
That it's not gonna happen?
It's gonna happen.
You're gonna die.
- Thank you, dad.
- There you go.
- Raymond, you know
we're all afraid of death,
But the important thing
is to be ready, see?
Your father and I
have all we need right in here.
We have our will
And our insurance
And a deed to our burial plot.
- Where's the permit
to the neighbors' parade?
- Frank.
Frank, what is this?
- What?
- Our joint burial plot--
It only mentions one.
Where's the other plot?
- What?
Who cares?
I sold it.
- You sold half
of our joint burial plot?
- The people next to us
had an unexpected death.
They were very upset.
I got twice
what I paid for it.
- It wasn't yours
to sell!
- I sold my half
of the plot.
- How do you know
it wasn't my half, frank?
I always sleep
on the left.
- And when were you going
to tell me about this?
- I wasn't.
I figured if you went first,
you couldn't yell at me,
And if I went first,
yell all you want.
- You have always wanted
to leave me, haven't you?
- Till death do us part,
marie.
After that,
you're on your own.
- Why don't you fulfill
one of my dreams
And leave me alone now?
- Holy crap, we found
something we have in common!
- How bad can death be?
Hey, corn flake.
- Hi.
- Hey, guys.
- You're in
a good mood, huh?
- Yeah, I did a lot of
productive thinking today.
- Yeah?
- Gonna get cremated.
- What?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I think it just
makes sense, you know?
More sense than burial.
I'm not all that gung ho
about decomposing.
- How did you get onto this?
- Look, it pays
to think about these things.
Oh, hey, don't be
like that, either.
I don't want
a big, sad funeral, you know?
Make it like
a celebration, you know?
People telling stories,
Funny anecdotes about me,
you know?
Like a roast.
- What is wrong with you?
- Good news.
[laughs]
I found a cemetery
that can fit us all in.
- Uh, misery,
your company's here.
- Look.
It's beautiful.
But it may be
a little tight.
See, one of us
has to be vertical.
- I don't know, ma.
I'm thinking of going
cremation.
- Ohh!
You want to go off
on your own too?
This family
is falling apart.
- This does look nice,
though.
- See?
Debra, would you mind
being the vertical one?
- Why debra, ma?
- Well, it can't be
your brother.
His head would
stick out of the ground.
- Hey.
How about a wood chipper?
Then we can all fit into
one big trash bag.
- That's morbid, dear.
- Yes.
- Deb, you should
look at this.
This is pretty good.
Deb.
Deb!
You're gonna die, you know!
- Deb, look, I know
you're not excited
About spending eternity
with my parents,
But, you know, it's not going
to be like now
When all they have to do
is cross the street.
I mean, they're gonna have
to bust out of their coffins,
And you know, they
tunnel through the dirt
With, you know--
[growls]
Just to get to our coffin,
And then the, you know, banging,
And we could pretend
we're not even there.
- Shut up, shut up!
Would you stop it?
Stop talking about coffins.
- So you want to do
cremation with me?
- Ray, you're supposed to be
having a midlife crisis,
Not an end-of-life crisis.
- Hey, look, don't tell me
How to have
a midlife crisis, okay?
What would you know
about it?
- Because I've already
had mine!
- Really?
- Yes, a while ago.
- Oh, was that the perm?
- No.
- 'cause that didn't look good.
- It was two years ago.
- Well, you never acted like you
were having a midlife crisis.
- Ray, look at me.
I am rubbing cream
on my hands.
Do you know why
I'm rubbing cream on my hands?
- Because it's hand cream?
- No, because my skin
Isn't as soft and smooth
as it used to be.
Have you noticed?
- Well, I didn't want
to say anything--
- Shut up, ray.
That is why every night,
I take this cream
And desperately try
to turn back the clock,
And even though I know
this is a losing battle,
I still do it anyway.
That is how you have
a proper midlife crisis.
You do not start
planning your death.
You go into denial
Like a normal person!
Give me your shoes.
- What?
- Give me your shoes.
- All right, but I think
my shoes are soft enough.
- Give them to me.
When you started
going all nuts
About the height thing,
I bought these as a joke,
But now I think
they're actually gonna help.
So stick these on.
- Oh, come on.
These aren't going
to do anything.
- You want to be
6 feet tall?
Put them on.
- I'm not wearing lifts.
- They're not lifts.
They're extra-thick
odor eaters.
Two birds with one stone.
- Look, this doesn't really mean
I'm 6 feet tall.
- Hey, this cream doesn't mean
my hands are any softer
Than they used to be.
- I don't know.
I'm talking about death
here, okay?
You really think
some cheap insoles
Are gonna change
my whole outlook on--
Hey, these are kind of bouncy.
- Oh, yeah?
A little spring
in your step there, young man?
- Mm, yeah, but who am I
really fooling here?
- Hey, you only got to fool
one person,
And if I recall,
that person once asked me
If jell-o was a fruit.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Listen,
You do whatever
you need to do.
As for me, I am going to
put these tea bags
On my puffy eyes
And dream about
my bed-and-breakfast
By the lake.
Ah, good night.
- Hey, can you put these
in sneakers?
- [sighs]
Put them anywhere you want.
- [humming]
Ha-hah!
Feeling tall
and smelling good.
- Idiot.
- Frank, you want
your ice cream or not?
- He's not here, ma.
- Where'd he go?
- I don't know.
He said ray
got him thinking.
- Ray got him thinking?
- Yeah, you believe that?
- About what?
[piano lounge music]
- [singing]
I left my heart
In san francisco
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
My wife thinks
I'm in the bathroom.
[singing]
high on a hill
It calls to me