Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 2, Episode 21 - Traffic School - full transcript
Robert practices his traffic teaching skills on the family.
- Hey.
- Hey, robert.
- Hey.
- There's nobody home.
- I wonder what that's like.
- How was your class today,
dear?
Did the children listen to you?
- I teach traffic school, ma.
- Since when?
- Since today.
Lots of cops do it, you know.
A chance to earn
a little spending money.
- How about spending
a little on rent?
- There may not be any money.
Got my first
student evaluations today.
- Oh, yeah?
What did they say, dear?
- Oh, you want to know
what they say?
- Yeah.
- Okay, ma,
here's what they say.
"this class is a sure cure
for insomnia."
- [chuckling]
- "next time just please
take away my license."
- [laughing]
- Eh, no, no,
that's just a couple of people.
Who cares what they say?
- "after ten minutes,
"I wanted to take
the officer's gun
And end my misery."
- I stink.
- Come on, robert,
it was your first time teaching.
- Yeah?
Well, the supervisor said
it may be my last.
He's sitting in
on my class tomorrow.
- Oh, well, now,
that's not fair
You probably just need
a little practice.
- Well, it's really not the type
of thing you can practice.
You know, it's all about
relating to people.
- You're a dead man.
- Honey, listen.
You can practice
on me, dear.
Come on.
Give one of your routines.
- What?
- One of your
traffic things.
Come on.
Come on.
Let's just say
I'm a crazy driver--
Shut up, frank--
And I get caught.
Now I got to go to robbie's
traffic school.
- It's not called
robbie's traffic school, ma!
- It doesn't matter.
It just doesn't matter.
All right, let's pretend
I'm a person--
Shut up frank.
- Hey, you know what
would help me?
- What?
- If I could practice
on all of ya.
- What?
- Yeah. Yeah.
We got enough
for a class right here.
- No, you don't.
Good night.
- No. No. Stop!
- Let me walk you home, dad.
It's dark out.
- Ray.
- What?
- Come on.
Robert, you know what?
You want to run
some things by me,
I'll be happy
to help you.
- Yeah, and I'll help you,
too dear.
And frank will too.
- I don't believe
frank will.
- You could learn
a few things.
- There's nothing wrong
with the way I drive.
- What about that squirrel
you ran over?
- He doubled back.
That squirrel wanted to die.
- Oh, please.
- What about our mailbox, frank?
Did it want to die?
- Don't you have an outstanding
moving violation, dad?
- I wouldn't say
outstanding.
It was pretty good,
though.
[chuckling]
- Well, if you let me
practice my class on you,
It'll take the ticket
off your record
And your insurance
won't go up.
- Wait a minute.
You can do that?
Well, then why don't you just
sign the thing that says I went?
- I didn't hear that, dad.
- All right,
you didn't hear that.
Maybe you'd like to hear it
From some of our
finest presidents.
- Dad!
- All right.
If I have to stay,
so does ray.
He's got that traffic ticket
He doesn't want
to tell debra about.
- Dad.
- What ticket?
- Oh, what is happening?
Traffic school?
How long is this gonna be?
- Well, if we don't
take any breaks,
I can do a condensed version
in three hours.
[all groaning]
- what?
- Sweet crap.
How long
is regular traffic school?
- Eight hours.
And you're gonna
have to go to that
If you don't come to me.
That's right.
I got all the papers
you need
Right in here.
I'll go set up.
You have two minutes
before we begin.
I suggest you all visit
the lavatories.
- Okay.
"begin with introductions."
[clears throat]
Hello.
I am sergeant
robert charles barone.
16 years, nypd.
And you are?
- Hated by god.
I-I'm not doin' this.
[snapping fingers]
Ray. Okay?
My name is ray.
[speaking french]
je m'appelle ray.
- Hi, ray.
- Debra.
- Good.
- Hi, I'm marie.
- I'm frank.
Sign my thing.
- Now I would like to direct
your attention to the board.
You will see
"speed limits,"
"pedestrians,"
"signs and signals
of the highway."
- Things that are boring!
- "urban versus rural driving."
- Things I don't care about!
- "insurance."
- Terribly boring things!
- That's enough, raymond!
That's enough.
Now, I would like
each of you to tell us
What offense led you
to being here today.
Let's start with...
Raymond.
- I killed my brother.
- Traffic offense.
- Oh. Oh.
Could you go lie down
in the driveway for a minute?
- It says right here
in the binder
That each student must tell
the offense they committed.
- Yeah, come on.
Let's hear about
your little offense.
Hmm?
- What? It was nothing.
I ran over one of those
orange cones, that's all.
- Tell her why.
- I don't remember, dad.
- I remember.
I was there.
It had something to do
with a halter top.
- Okay!
- Halted you pretty good.
- Dad...
You know how
these things happen.
- [scoffs]
- You see somebody,
and you think they're naked.
And...
Then you look,
and they're just--
They're wearing a beige top,
and the next thing you know,
You've run over
a couple cones.
- Reckless driving.
- So you just ride around
lookin' for naked?
- Well, if it won't
come to me...
- Yeah.
- Look, okay, can we get back
to the course, please?
Who can answer this question?
"at 55 miles an hour,
"you will travel over 800 feet
in 10 to 12 seconds.
"so will an oncoming truck.
To pass safely,
how many feet will you need?"
Dad.
- Sign my thing.
- Come on!
What are ya doin'?
- Robert, that question
is really complicated.
Is that something
they would ask?
- It's in the binder.
- Well, you know what?
Maybe we don't
have to do this class
Exactly like it is
in the binder.
- What do you mean?
The binder's
not just a guide, debra.
The binder is...
Binding.
- Shut up, frank.
- What?
- Yeah, yeah.
You were about to do
a bathroom joke.
- A bathroom joke?
- Yeah,
about binding.
- All right, look,
let's focus, people.
- [chuckling]
rice.
[laughter]
- Lookit, please,
Can we--
- cheese.
- That's enough!
H-h-how about
some questions--
- Bananas!
[laughter]
- Things that are binding.
- Would you please?
These are safety issues.
And let's remember something:
Driving is a privilege,
Not a right.
- [clears throat]
Yams. I'm sorry.
[giggling]
I'm sorry, robert.
- Don't apologize.
That was good.
Yams!
[laughter]
- Sorry.
- That explains
last thanksgiving.
[cackling]
- You're not helping, ma.
- Oh, we're just having
a little fun.
- But we're not here
to have fun.
- Well, then,
you're the man for the job.
[shrieking
and laughing]
- Maybe I'm not.
- Oh, oh, come on.
- Oh, come on, rob.
- Come on, robert.
I'm just saying,
if we have to do this,
Why has it
got to be torture?
- Oh, I see.
I'm sorry this is torture.
I guess
the student evaluations
Were correct.
- Oh, come on.
- Oh.
- Stop feeling sorry
for yourself.
I'm just trying
to give you some advice.
- And what is that advice,
raymond?
- I don't know.
Lighten up.
- Oh, lighten up.
Thank you very much.
- Hey.
You didn't sign my thing.
- What did you do?
- What, he left.
- It breaks my heart
the way you treat your brother.
- Me?
You were all laughing at him.
- I was not laughing.
- You weren't laughing?
Rice.
- [laughs]
That was funny.
- All right, you know,
I think we were all
A little bit insensitive.
- Well, robert's got no sense
of humor about himself.
- Oh, that's right.
You got to be able
to laugh at yourself.
Look at me.
I laugh at your mother
all the time.
- I'm not you, frank.
- I know,
but I'm married to you,
So the joke's on me.
- Look, robert's feeling
pretty bad.
I mean, I think
we need to apologize
And make it up to him.
Go ahead, ray.
- What? No.
- Yes.
Go speak to your brother.
- No.
- Oh, robbie,
I'm so glad you're back.
And raymond's sorry
for what he said.
- No, no.
Raymond was right.
This doesn't
have to be torture.
I just got to learn to...
Lighten up.
And to that end,
I'd like
to introduce you to...
Traffic cop timmy!
- Oh.
- Oh, my god.
- Yeah.
Timmy's gonna help teach us
the rest of the class tonight.
Isn't that right, timmy?
- 10-4, sarge.
- Look, robert...
What I said
about lightening up here--
This might be too light,
you know.
- No, no.
It's okay, raymond.
You know,
my partner judy uses timmy
To teach the kids
about safety,
- Yeah, and judy
has warmer hands.
- Oh, sorry, timmy.
[chuckles]
- Oh, robbie,
you're very good.
- Hey, make his eyes
move again.
How do you do that?
- I'm not doing anything.
- Hey, frank, why don't ya
park it over there?
And I mean legally.
[laughter]
- All right.
Now we got a show.
- Can you believe this?
- Look at his little shoes.
[giggling]
- All right, now, timmy,
Tell everybody
what we'll be learning next.
- Wait, wait,
wait a minute, robert.
Come on, you're really
gonna do this?
- Hey, ray,
this was your idea.
- Did anybody
hear me say "puppet"?
- Aw, that's quite enough
out of you.
Now why don't you sit down...
Big nose?
- What?
- [laughs]
He called you big nose.
- Come on, come on.
We're being supportive.
- Look how cute he is.
- All right, timmy,
now let's behave ourself.
We're here to teach
traffic school.
- Oh, yeah, right. Okay.
Uh, let's see.
Who can answer this?
When you're behind
another vehicle,
What is the proper
following distance?
Frank?
- Uh, well, if the guy's
goin' really slow,
I like to be
right on his butt...
So if he looks back,
he can read my lips.
It is one car length
per ten miles of speed.
- [chuckles]
Yeah, remind me
to never drive with you,
You crazy old bastard.
- How's that?
- [clears throat]
all right.
Now, let's move on, timmy.
Don't you have
a question for ma?
- Sure.
Marie, is it?
- Yes.
- Hi, marie. Okay.
Now, when you
get into the car,
What are you supposed to do
before you begin driving?
- Oh, I know that.
You buckle your seat belt.
- Good.
- And--and you
check your mirrors.
- Correct.
- You look to the left.
You look to the right.
You look behind you.
- Very good.
Anything else?
- No, I think that's it.
- Oh, that's it.
- Uh-huh.
- She thinks that's it.
- Isn't--
isn't that everything, timmy?
- Oh, yeah, sure,
that's everything,
But how about making sure
Your firstborn child
is in the car
Before you pull out
of a gas station
In new mexico?
- Wow, that's awfully
specific, yeah.
Is that in the binder?
- Robbie, that was 30 years ago.
- I don't have
a problem with it.
- Uh-oh.
- Yeah, remember that?
Big road trip,
fun family vacation.
Driving out to see
the grand canyon.
Frank stops
to get some gas,
And you all drive off
While robert's still
in the men's room.
- How do you know?
You weren't there.
- Oh, we got a real
battle of wits goin' on here.
- We thought you were
sleeping in the back.
It was only an hour driving.
And then we noticed.
And we turned right around.
- Oh, only two hours.
Excellent mothering.
- I remember that.
We missed the tribal dances.
Hey, you would've
liked that, ray.
I hear those ladies
don't wear very much.
- Aw, poor raymond missed
the tribal dances.
Raymond, raymond, raymond.
Meanwhile,
back at the rest stop,
A couple of truckers
want to braid robert's hair.
- We happen to be
very good parents, timmy!
- Aw, yeah,
great family, right?
Long as everybody's eatin',
everybody's happy, right, mama?
Just ask your husband,
burp 'n' slurp.
- Hey!
How come you haven't said
anything about debra yet?
- I don't have a problem
with debra.
You're all right, cookie.
Ah, cha-cha-cha.
- I think traffic school's
over now.
- Me too; I'm gettin' tired
of timmy's mouth.
- Aw, sit down, shiny.
- You want to start with me?
- Dad, dad, dad,
dad, dad.
Dad, puppet.
- Yeah, right.
If it was raymond's
traffic school,
Everybody would
be sitting here without a peep.
But the minute
this poor slob...
Needs something...
Everybody's too busy.
Everybody makes with the jokes.
Nobody cares.
Come on, flatfoot.
Let's get the hell
out of here.
- Timmy's mean.
- Robert.
[gasps]
Damn it.
Robert.
What have you done
with robert?
Robert!
[knocking]
- I'm not signing
your thing, dad.
- Hey.
- Oh.
Hey.
I'm not signing
your thing either.
- That's all right.
Listen...
I'm sorry about the...
You know, tellin' you
to lighten up and everything.
- It's all right.
Gave it a shot.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it went well.
Boy, that timmy's got a lot
of issues, though, huh?
- You know,
timmy's just a puppet.
- Yeah, I know.
It's good
to hear you say it.
- Made a real ass
out of myself, didn't I?
- Eh.
You know what people like?
Balloon animals.
- My whole life, every time
I felt bad for myself,
Mom would say,
"the family will help you.
We'll make you feel better."
I'd fall for it every time.
- Yeah, well,
mom and dad...
You know,
this parenting stuff...
It's just not their field.
You know.
- They did all right by you.
You're the golden boy.
- Oh, will you
stop that already, okay?
They messed me up
just as much as you, pal.
- Oh, yeah.
You're as messed up as me.
- Yeah, probably more so.
- You're insultin' me now?
- You don't own messed up.
You were neglected.
Try being smothered.
- I used to pray
for smothered.
- Oh, you want smothered?
How about in school when mom
became cafeteria monitor
To make sure
I ate all my food
And kept my sweater on
And sat with her?
- That was bad.
- Yeah. All right?
- Hey, hey, how about the time
You started
walking to school, right?
And mom would follow you
the whole way.
- She did?
- Yeah.
Yeah, she'd hide
from tree to tree.
- Heh.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my--that's the crazy
tree lady from the dreams.
- Nightmares, huh?
- Yeah!
- How long did you have 'em?
- I just had one four days ago.
- That is pretty messed up.
- Yeah, it is.
Hey, so the jumpin'
canoe guy is...
- Dad.
- Oh, my god.
- [chuckles]
Thanks for comin' over, raymond.
You really did
make me feel better.
- Yeah.
Man, they were worse
than I thought.
I should talk to them.
- Want to borrow the dummy?
- [yells]
- Not so funny
without his head, is he?
- What did you do, dad?
I need that.
- [screams]
- [maniacal laughter]
- Hey, robert.
- Hey.
- There's nobody home.
- I wonder what that's like.
- How was your class today,
dear?
Did the children listen to you?
- I teach traffic school, ma.
- Since when?
- Since today.
Lots of cops do it, you know.
A chance to earn
a little spending money.
- How about spending
a little on rent?
- There may not be any money.
Got my first
student evaluations today.
- Oh, yeah?
What did they say, dear?
- Oh, you want to know
what they say?
- Yeah.
- Okay, ma,
here's what they say.
"this class is a sure cure
for insomnia."
- [chuckling]
- "next time just please
take away my license."
- [laughing]
- Eh, no, no,
that's just a couple of people.
Who cares what they say?
- "after ten minutes,
"I wanted to take
the officer's gun
And end my misery."
- I stink.
- Come on, robert,
it was your first time teaching.
- Yeah?
Well, the supervisor said
it may be my last.
He's sitting in
on my class tomorrow.
- Oh, well, now,
that's not fair
You probably just need
a little practice.
- Well, it's really not the type
of thing you can practice.
You know, it's all about
relating to people.
- You're a dead man.
- Honey, listen.
You can practice
on me, dear.
Come on.
Give one of your routines.
- What?
- One of your
traffic things.
Come on.
Come on.
Let's just say
I'm a crazy driver--
Shut up, frank--
And I get caught.
Now I got to go to robbie's
traffic school.
- It's not called
robbie's traffic school, ma!
- It doesn't matter.
It just doesn't matter.
All right, let's pretend
I'm a person--
Shut up frank.
- Hey, you know what
would help me?
- What?
- If I could practice
on all of ya.
- What?
- Yeah. Yeah.
We got enough
for a class right here.
- No, you don't.
Good night.
- No. No. Stop!
- Let me walk you home, dad.
It's dark out.
- Ray.
- What?
- Come on.
Robert, you know what?
You want to run
some things by me,
I'll be happy
to help you.
- Yeah, and I'll help you,
too dear.
And frank will too.
- I don't believe
frank will.
- You could learn
a few things.
- There's nothing wrong
with the way I drive.
- What about that squirrel
you ran over?
- He doubled back.
That squirrel wanted to die.
- Oh, please.
- What about our mailbox, frank?
Did it want to die?
- Don't you have an outstanding
moving violation, dad?
- I wouldn't say
outstanding.
It was pretty good,
though.
[chuckling]
- Well, if you let me
practice my class on you,
It'll take the ticket
off your record
And your insurance
won't go up.
- Wait a minute.
You can do that?
Well, then why don't you just
sign the thing that says I went?
- I didn't hear that, dad.
- All right,
you didn't hear that.
Maybe you'd like to hear it
From some of our
finest presidents.
- Dad!
- All right.
If I have to stay,
so does ray.
He's got that traffic ticket
He doesn't want
to tell debra about.
- Dad.
- What ticket?
- Oh, what is happening?
Traffic school?
How long is this gonna be?
- Well, if we don't
take any breaks,
I can do a condensed version
in three hours.
[all groaning]
- what?
- Sweet crap.
How long
is regular traffic school?
- Eight hours.
And you're gonna
have to go to that
If you don't come to me.
That's right.
I got all the papers
you need
Right in here.
I'll go set up.
You have two minutes
before we begin.
I suggest you all visit
the lavatories.
- Okay.
"begin with introductions."
[clears throat]
Hello.
I am sergeant
robert charles barone.
16 years, nypd.
And you are?
- Hated by god.
I-I'm not doin' this.
[snapping fingers]
Ray. Okay?
My name is ray.
[speaking french]
je m'appelle ray.
- Hi, ray.
- Debra.
- Good.
- Hi, I'm marie.
- I'm frank.
Sign my thing.
- Now I would like to direct
your attention to the board.
You will see
"speed limits,"
"pedestrians,"
"signs and signals
of the highway."
- Things that are boring!
- "urban versus rural driving."
- Things I don't care about!
- "insurance."
- Terribly boring things!
- That's enough, raymond!
That's enough.
Now, I would like
each of you to tell us
What offense led you
to being here today.
Let's start with...
Raymond.
- I killed my brother.
- Traffic offense.
- Oh. Oh.
Could you go lie down
in the driveway for a minute?
- It says right here
in the binder
That each student must tell
the offense they committed.
- Yeah, come on.
Let's hear about
your little offense.
Hmm?
- What? It was nothing.
I ran over one of those
orange cones, that's all.
- Tell her why.
- I don't remember, dad.
- I remember.
I was there.
It had something to do
with a halter top.
- Okay!
- Halted you pretty good.
- Dad...
You know how
these things happen.
- [scoffs]
- You see somebody,
and you think they're naked.
And...
Then you look,
and they're just--
They're wearing a beige top,
and the next thing you know,
You've run over
a couple cones.
- Reckless driving.
- So you just ride around
lookin' for naked?
- Well, if it won't
come to me...
- Yeah.
- Look, okay, can we get back
to the course, please?
Who can answer this question?
"at 55 miles an hour,
"you will travel over 800 feet
in 10 to 12 seconds.
"so will an oncoming truck.
To pass safely,
how many feet will you need?"
Dad.
- Sign my thing.
- Come on!
What are ya doin'?
- Robert, that question
is really complicated.
Is that something
they would ask?
- It's in the binder.
- Well, you know what?
Maybe we don't
have to do this class
Exactly like it is
in the binder.
- What do you mean?
The binder's
not just a guide, debra.
The binder is...
Binding.
- Shut up, frank.
- What?
- Yeah, yeah.
You were about to do
a bathroom joke.
- A bathroom joke?
- Yeah,
about binding.
- All right, look,
let's focus, people.
- [chuckling]
rice.
[laughter]
- Lookit, please,
Can we--
- cheese.
- That's enough!
H-h-how about
some questions--
- Bananas!
[laughter]
- Things that are binding.
- Would you please?
These are safety issues.
And let's remember something:
Driving is a privilege,
Not a right.
- [clears throat]
Yams. I'm sorry.
[giggling]
I'm sorry, robert.
- Don't apologize.
That was good.
Yams!
[laughter]
- Sorry.
- That explains
last thanksgiving.
[cackling]
- You're not helping, ma.
- Oh, we're just having
a little fun.
- But we're not here
to have fun.
- Well, then,
you're the man for the job.
[shrieking
and laughing]
- Maybe I'm not.
- Oh, oh, come on.
- Oh, come on, rob.
- Come on, robert.
I'm just saying,
if we have to do this,
Why has it
got to be torture?
- Oh, I see.
I'm sorry this is torture.
I guess
the student evaluations
Were correct.
- Oh, come on.
- Oh.
- Stop feeling sorry
for yourself.
I'm just trying
to give you some advice.
- And what is that advice,
raymond?
- I don't know.
Lighten up.
- Oh, lighten up.
Thank you very much.
- Hey.
You didn't sign my thing.
- What did you do?
- What, he left.
- It breaks my heart
the way you treat your brother.
- Me?
You were all laughing at him.
- I was not laughing.
- You weren't laughing?
Rice.
- [laughs]
That was funny.
- All right, you know,
I think we were all
A little bit insensitive.
- Well, robert's got no sense
of humor about himself.
- Oh, that's right.
You got to be able
to laugh at yourself.
Look at me.
I laugh at your mother
all the time.
- I'm not you, frank.
- I know,
but I'm married to you,
So the joke's on me.
- Look, robert's feeling
pretty bad.
I mean, I think
we need to apologize
And make it up to him.
Go ahead, ray.
- What? No.
- Yes.
Go speak to your brother.
- No.
- Oh, robbie,
I'm so glad you're back.
And raymond's sorry
for what he said.
- No, no.
Raymond was right.
This doesn't
have to be torture.
I just got to learn to...
Lighten up.
And to that end,
I'd like
to introduce you to...
Traffic cop timmy!
- Oh.
- Oh, my god.
- Yeah.
Timmy's gonna help teach us
the rest of the class tonight.
Isn't that right, timmy?
- 10-4, sarge.
- Look, robert...
What I said
about lightening up here--
This might be too light,
you know.
- No, no.
It's okay, raymond.
You know,
my partner judy uses timmy
To teach the kids
about safety,
- Yeah, and judy
has warmer hands.
- Oh, sorry, timmy.
[chuckles]
- Oh, robbie,
you're very good.
- Hey, make his eyes
move again.
How do you do that?
- I'm not doing anything.
- Hey, frank, why don't ya
park it over there?
And I mean legally.
[laughter]
- All right.
Now we got a show.
- Can you believe this?
- Look at his little shoes.
[giggling]
- All right, now, timmy,
Tell everybody
what we'll be learning next.
- Wait, wait,
wait a minute, robert.
Come on, you're really
gonna do this?
- Hey, ray,
this was your idea.
- Did anybody
hear me say "puppet"?
- Aw, that's quite enough
out of you.
Now why don't you sit down...
Big nose?
- What?
- [laughs]
He called you big nose.
- Come on, come on.
We're being supportive.
- Look how cute he is.
- All right, timmy,
now let's behave ourself.
We're here to teach
traffic school.
- Oh, yeah, right. Okay.
Uh, let's see.
Who can answer this?
When you're behind
another vehicle,
What is the proper
following distance?
Frank?
- Uh, well, if the guy's
goin' really slow,
I like to be
right on his butt...
So if he looks back,
he can read my lips.
It is one car length
per ten miles of speed.
- [chuckles]
Yeah, remind me
to never drive with you,
You crazy old bastard.
- How's that?
- [clears throat]
all right.
Now, let's move on, timmy.
Don't you have
a question for ma?
- Sure.
Marie, is it?
- Yes.
- Hi, marie. Okay.
Now, when you
get into the car,
What are you supposed to do
before you begin driving?
- Oh, I know that.
You buckle your seat belt.
- Good.
- And--and you
check your mirrors.
- Correct.
- You look to the left.
You look to the right.
You look behind you.
- Very good.
Anything else?
- No, I think that's it.
- Oh, that's it.
- Uh-huh.
- She thinks that's it.
- Isn't--
isn't that everything, timmy?
- Oh, yeah, sure,
that's everything,
But how about making sure
Your firstborn child
is in the car
Before you pull out
of a gas station
In new mexico?
- Wow, that's awfully
specific, yeah.
Is that in the binder?
- Robbie, that was 30 years ago.
- I don't have
a problem with it.
- Uh-oh.
- Yeah, remember that?
Big road trip,
fun family vacation.
Driving out to see
the grand canyon.
Frank stops
to get some gas,
And you all drive off
While robert's still
in the men's room.
- How do you know?
You weren't there.
- Oh, we got a real
battle of wits goin' on here.
- We thought you were
sleeping in the back.
It was only an hour driving.
And then we noticed.
And we turned right around.
- Oh, only two hours.
Excellent mothering.
- I remember that.
We missed the tribal dances.
Hey, you would've
liked that, ray.
I hear those ladies
don't wear very much.
- Aw, poor raymond missed
the tribal dances.
Raymond, raymond, raymond.
Meanwhile,
back at the rest stop,
A couple of truckers
want to braid robert's hair.
- We happen to be
very good parents, timmy!
- Aw, yeah,
great family, right?
Long as everybody's eatin',
everybody's happy, right, mama?
Just ask your husband,
burp 'n' slurp.
- Hey!
How come you haven't said
anything about debra yet?
- I don't have a problem
with debra.
You're all right, cookie.
Ah, cha-cha-cha.
- I think traffic school's
over now.
- Me too; I'm gettin' tired
of timmy's mouth.
- Aw, sit down, shiny.
- You want to start with me?
- Dad, dad, dad,
dad, dad.
Dad, puppet.
- Yeah, right.
If it was raymond's
traffic school,
Everybody would
be sitting here without a peep.
But the minute
this poor slob...
Needs something...
Everybody's too busy.
Everybody makes with the jokes.
Nobody cares.
Come on, flatfoot.
Let's get the hell
out of here.
- Timmy's mean.
- Robert.
[gasps]
Damn it.
Robert.
What have you done
with robert?
Robert!
[knocking]
- I'm not signing
your thing, dad.
- Hey.
- Oh.
Hey.
I'm not signing
your thing either.
- That's all right.
Listen...
I'm sorry about the...
You know, tellin' you
to lighten up and everything.
- It's all right.
Gave it a shot.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it went well.
Boy, that timmy's got a lot
of issues, though, huh?
- You know,
timmy's just a puppet.
- Yeah, I know.
It's good
to hear you say it.
- Made a real ass
out of myself, didn't I?
- Eh.
You know what people like?
Balloon animals.
- My whole life, every time
I felt bad for myself,
Mom would say,
"the family will help you.
We'll make you feel better."
I'd fall for it every time.
- Yeah, well,
mom and dad...
You know,
this parenting stuff...
It's just not their field.
You know.
- They did all right by you.
You're the golden boy.
- Oh, will you
stop that already, okay?
They messed me up
just as much as you, pal.
- Oh, yeah.
You're as messed up as me.
- Yeah, probably more so.
- You're insultin' me now?
- You don't own messed up.
You were neglected.
Try being smothered.
- I used to pray
for smothered.
- Oh, you want smothered?
How about in school when mom
became cafeteria monitor
To make sure
I ate all my food
And kept my sweater on
And sat with her?
- That was bad.
- Yeah. All right?
- Hey, hey, how about the time
You started
walking to school, right?
And mom would follow you
the whole way.
- She did?
- Yeah.
Yeah, she'd hide
from tree to tree.
- Heh.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my--that's the crazy
tree lady from the dreams.
- Nightmares, huh?
- Yeah!
- How long did you have 'em?
- I just had one four days ago.
- That is pretty messed up.
- Yeah, it is.
Hey, so the jumpin'
canoe guy is...
- Dad.
- Oh, my god.
- [chuckles]
Thanks for comin' over, raymond.
You really did
make me feel better.
- Yeah.
Man, they were worse
than I thought.
I should talk to them.
- Want to borrow the dummy?
- [yells]
- Not so funny
without his head, is he?
- What did you do, dad?
I need that.
- [screams]
- [maniacal laughter]