Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 2, Episode 20 - T-Ball - full transcript

- [singing]
take me out for some t-ball

Take me out
for some fun

It's just
like baseball

But you hit it
off a tee

It's all little kids

So there's no injury

Ha.

Rhymes, come on, huh?

Let's go.
Are you ready?

- No, because every time
I turn around,

This one takes
his clothes off.



- You know, ray, when we
signed up for t-ball,

You promised me that you'd
be home early from work

And I had to get
everything ready.

I had to get them dressed,

I had to get the team snack,
everything.

- I had to write that song.

- Yeah, right.

- And you didn't hear
the next verse.

[singing]
my wife debra is so nice

She is real pretty too

- Ally, I'm gonna need
that bat.

- [singing]
she's sexy, she's skinny

Her breath is real good

We don't have as much sex
as we should



- Look how cute
they are.

- Oh, good catch!

Yeah, wow.

- Hey, you got a gold glover
out there, raymond.

- Yeah, she's like a boy, huh?

- Yeah, only smarter.

- Hey, hey!
Ally tagged him out!

What's he still doing out there?

Hey, kid!

Sit down!
You're out!

- Dad, he's not out, okay?

Nobody's out.
Those are the rules.

It's okay.

Don't cry, little boy.

- That's stupid.

How do you win?

- You don't win, okay?

It's not like when
we played little league.

This teaches them the skills
without the pressure.

- And humiliation.

- You know what you
should do, raymond?

You're a big sports columnist.

You should do a column
on t-ball for newsday.

- Yeah, sure,
right after my article

On running
through the sprinkler.

- Well, it's better
than just sports.

It's about families
spending time together.

You'd be writing
about something you love.

- Hi.
Hi, are you, uh, ray?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Bryan trenberth.

I just wanted to make sure

You remembered
the, uh, team snack?

- Oh, yeah, yeah,
we took care of it.

- Well, it is almost
the fourth inning.

- Yeah?

- Well, I think
it's a good idea

To have each snack item
laid out

By the top
of the fourth inning, don't you?

I think it's a good idea.
I think that's best.

- Okay. All right.

Deb, we're supposed
to put the snacks out now.

Marie, can you take
both the boys

Over to the sandbox?

Oh, make sure michael
keeps his clothes on, okay?

- Oh, yeah, sand.

- I can help you,
uh, debra, is it?

- Yes.
- Yes.

You know what, debra?

I think it would
be a good idea

If we laid
everything out right now.

- This is everything.

- [scoffs]

I'm sorry, uh...

I'm confused.

- Honey, how's
the snack situation?

- Well, uh,
here's the concern.

All we seem
to have today are pretzels.

- And hawaiian punch.

- Oh, god.

Got some things in the car.

- Um...

Excuse me, but I don't see
what the big deal is.

We're supposed
to bring a snack,

And pretzels
are a snack, right?

- Does say "snack"
right on the box there.

- Yes, it does, but I believe
I sent you a printout,

And it says,
"a healthy team snack

Will be provided by parents
on a rotating basis,"

And here's you,

And here's the approved
snack list,

And...

No pretzels.

- It doesn't say
"no pretzels."

- I'm sorry.

Maybe you
misunderstood me.

There are no pretzels

On the list
of approved snacks.

- He's right.
He's right.

There are
no pretzels there.

- Well, I never saw the list.

- I sent you
an orientation pack.

A big, blue folder?

- Okay, we're sorry here.
We're very sorry.

- Well, now, wait a minute.
We're not that sorry.

I mean, come on, it's a snack.

- Okay, I mean,
it's no big deal.

There's no reason
to almost yell.

- I'm not almost yelling.

Look, I'm juggling
three kids under seven.

I don't have time
to cater a t-ball game.

- Well, I'm sorry,

But you do seem
to be getting quite upset

Over what should be
a minor issue.

[laughs]

- Excuse me, but you're the one

Who's freaking out
over a box of pretzels.

- Deb, nobody's freaking,
all right?

It's your first game,
you didn't know what to bring,

And you took a shot
with the pretzels.

- Here we go!

Apples, trail mix, and kiwis.

- Oh, that's good.

Good.
Good idea.

Kiwi.

Look, it's fuzzy.

- Stop it, ray.

- It's a very good job, lisa,

And since we ended up
doing the snacks this week,

Uh, debra and ray will just
take our spot next week, okay?

- Okay, all right,
we'll do that.

- Wait, no,
that's not okay.

Okay, this is not about giving
the kids something to eat.

This is about some uptight guy
on a power trip.

You know what, bryan?

Our snack is pretzels.

- Well, uh...

I'm sorry, uh...

Maybe you're not
the kind of people

We should be sharing
the t-ball experience with.

- No.

- Excuse me, what did you say?

- We're good people.

No, we'll do it.
We'll bring the snack.

- Ray.

All right,
I'm sorry about this.

We'll take care
of all this.

- I hope so.

I mean, after all, we're here
for the children, right?

- Mm-hmm.

- Will you look at that?

Will you just look at that?

Now, where's
that child's parents?

- Yeah, listen,

And I think
if we just bring, like--

Like carrots and celery
next week,

Then everybody'll be happy.

Except the kids.

- We are not bringing
anything.

- No, no, look, look, you won't
have to do anything, okay?

We'll get the bag
with the carrots and celery

Already cut up and washed.

I think they even throw
radishes in there.

Oh, wait.

Radishes aren't on the list.

- Maybe we should--

- We are not
bringing a snack.

[garbage disposal grumbles]

- That was the list.

I can't ask bryan
for a third list.

- Why do you care
about that pompous little ass?

- Okay, he's not
your type of person, okay?

But there's no reason
to yell at him.

He's just doing his job.

- Snacks at t-ball
is not his job.

He's an optician.

- Exactly why
you shouldn't yell at him.

It's volunteer work.

- I cannot believe
that you took his side.

- Well, he has a point.

I mean, pretzels
weren't on the list.

- Ray, I don't care

If I put out a bowl
of rocks today, okay?

We are married!

If somebody talks
to your wife that way,

You're supposed
to support her!

- What if the wife
is almost yelling?

- I was standing up
for myself.

- Yeah.

Why do you do that?

- Oh, god.

- It's like
when I was a kid

And I'd be with my parents,

And they'd get
in these shouting matches,

And not just with each other.

With regular people.

We'd be out, and they'd yell
at the salesman

Or the waiter
or the tollbooth guy,

And the cars
behind us are honking,

And my father's screaming,
"pennies are money!"

And the guy in the truck
behind us gets out, and...

- Ray.
Ray.

I'm sorry about
your whole life,

But I'm not gonna
let that guy intimidate me.

- Oh, don't make a thing!

- You know, ray, why do
you need everybody to like you?

- What?

- You know, you can never make
a scene about anything

Because god forbid
somebody doesn't like you.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

So I'm likable.

Okay, isn't that why
you like me?

- I love you.

I have to like you.

Just, next week,
when we show up without a snack,

Could you please back me up?

- Okay, if it means
that much to you.

Or we could just
quit t-ball.

It's not like ally's
gonna turn pro or anything.

- You are unbelievable!

Why can't you just say,
"hi, bryan trenberth,

"I don't care
if you like me or not,

"but we didn't bring
a snack this week

"because my wife
is as busy as hell,

"and she brought a perfectly
fine snack last week,

"and if it's not
on your stupid list,

"uh...I'm sorry,

But that's
your problem."

- I don't really
talk like that.

- Yeah.

That's too bad.

- Hey,

You know what everybody's
gonna call us, don't you?

"mr. And mrs. Pretzel."

Yeah.

Get ready.

- Hey, come on.

Let's get to the game.

- Oh, you're coming again?

Great.

- Listen, you know that

"nobody wins,
everybody has fun" crap?

That ends today.

I'm keeping score.

- Dad, no,
it's not about the score.

- Then why the hell bother?

- 'cause it's family fun!

Just stop.
Put it away, all right?

I got enough trouble.

- What are you
so worried about?

That little weenie
with the clipboard?

We had guys
like that in korea.

Second lieutenants.

College guys.

Platoons hated their guts.

You know what
happened to them?

You know what
friendly fire is?

Well, sometimes
it wasn't so friendly.

- They killed
their own guys?

- Not always.

Sometimes they'd just
send them back to college,

To the ones
without a lot of steps.

[chuckles]

Is I should, uh,
shoot bryan trenberth

Over a box of pretzels
at a kids' t-ball game.

- Oh, right, the kids.

- You know, dad,
you're not obligated

To come to these games

Or talk to me.

- All I'm saying

Is you don't let people
push you around

Unless you want your children
to think their father is...

- How great would it be
if you just took off?

- Dad, are we going?

Mom wants to know how long

You're gonna
leave us in the car.

- Look, tell your brother,

Have you ever seen me
back down from anybody?

- No, sir.

Pennies are money.

- Dad wants me to murder
bryan trenberth.

- No, don't.

Bryan's a great guy.

Very organized.

He's getting me
some sunglasses.

- Yeah, I know.
He's a good guy.

Debra's all,

"we're not bringing a snack.

We brought a snack."

Yeah, well,
I'm bringing a snack,

And a good one.

- Wait.
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

The clipboard weenie guy
tells you to bring a snack,

Your wife tells you
not to bring a snack,

And you're bringing a snack!

Fire in the hole!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I saw that.

Funny.

Yeah, yeah.

No chance of one of you
diving on that, is there?

Listen, it's our turn
to bring a snack.

I think I'm doing
the right thing here, okay?

And debra'll see that.

- Oh, yeah,
she'll see that.

- Come on, dad,
let's get a good seat.

I want to see that too.

- Psst.

You want to know
what the score is?

- Dad.

- 57 to 48.

- Stop it.

Who's winning?

- They are,

And you can thank
weenie's kid.

He's got six errors.

- Yeah, okay, dad.

It's like having
venus de milo in right field.

- He's five.

- Man, if we could
just trade him.

- Oh, look at him
trying not to look at us.

- Will you just
take it easy?

He's allowed to look, okay?

Try being nice.

- Oh, yeah, just--

Just come on down here.

Just say one word to me.

- Take it easy.

- Why don't you
blow him a kiss?

- Oh, where you
throwing that ball?

Come on!

Have an idea out there!

- Dad...

Others.

- Michael's naked.

- Oh, no, deb,
you want to see

If maybe you can help
my mom a little bit?

- Yeah, oh, look at her.
She's stuck.

Who wears high heels
in a sandbox?

- [whispering]
bryan.

Come here.

- What are you doing?

- Shh.

Come here, come here...

- Hi, uh, ray.

- Snack.
- What?

- Snack.
Snack.

I got the snack.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh,
that's very nice.

Why are you whispering?

- Because it's real good.

I don't want
the kids mobbing us, okay?

So go get it.

- Uh, what?

- Get it.
Under the bleachers,

The gym bag.

- Oh.

Oh, okay.

- He hid it
under the bleachers.

- Gutsy move.

- Ohh...

This looks very good.

- Yeah, yeah,
it's good, it's good.

It's all very good,
okay, so go set it up.

Set it up over there,

And you take all the credit.

- Oh, no, no.

It looks like you
went to a lot of trouble here.

Look at--
tangerines, breadsticks,

String cheese,
granola bars.

- Don't count it, man.

It's all there.

- This is everything
on the list.

- Yeah.

So take it.
Take it away.

Go, good.
It's everything.

Good, everybody's happy now.

- Here comes debra.

- Michael thinks
it's a nude beach.

Hi, bryan.
- Hi, debra.

I just have to say,
this is really wonderful.

- What is?
- The snack.

They got a really
good snack this week.

Okay, hey,
that's good for you.

- What, is he rubbing it in?

- Debra, come on.

- I'm sorry,
rubbing what in?

- Oh, that you found someone

To bring a list-approved
snack this week.

- The point's not
who brought it, right?

It's that it's here
for the kids.

Isn't that it?
Isn't it all about the kids?

- All about the kids.

- That won't save him.

- That's what
I'm trying to say, ray,

And I just want
to thank you and debra.

- Okay. It's okay.
It's all right. Thanks.

- Thank us for what?

- Debra, come on,
just drop it.

- Bryan trenberth

Does not let a good deed
go unnoticed.

- Please do.

- Ray, what is he talking about?
- Nothing.

- I'm talking about
the beautiful snack today.

- We didn't bring a snack.

- Ray just gave it to me.

- Will you shut up
about the snack!

Just shut up about the stupid,
freaking snack!

Here! Here!
You want the snack?

Here, take it.

Take all of it.

Here, are these
healthy enough for you?

Plantains!

You couldn't just put
bananas on the list, huh?

Before I found out
you got to cook them!

- I'm sorry, I--

You don't want to share
t-ball with me?

Well, guess what, I don't want
to share t-ball with you,

Bryyy.

Oh, by the way,

Your kid's costing us
the game out there, okay?

Yeah, yeah,
that's right.

I'm keeping score.

Ooh, bad!

I'm keeping score,
and we're losing

Because your kid's out there
eating grasshoppers, okay?

I don't think that's
an approved snack!

- Sorry, bryan.

- You don't have
to do snacks anymore.

- I don't know what
happened out there.

- Well, you can
watch it all later.

Greenberg's
got it all on video.

"too hot for t-ball."

- Yeah.

All right.

Sorry.

Sorry you had to see that.

- Oh, you know,

I was proud and ashamed
at the same time.

- Well, one thing
you don't have to worry about...

Nobody likes me anymore.

- Yeah.

You know, I didn't mean I wanted
them to stop liking you

All in one day.

Thought it could be
kind of a gradual thing.

- I got to tell you,

That was scary today, you know?

I never go off
on people like that.

I mean, my father
lets go all the time, you know?

He gets it out.

I'm sicker than him.

I'm like a time bomb.

Don't you worry
that at any moment

I could go off like that
on you sometime?

- Pff, yeah.

- What?

No, I mean it.

- Ooh...

- Come on!

What?

Don't.

I'm dangerous.

I throw fruit.

- I still like you.

- Yeah, 'cause you're
scared of me.

- Turn around then.

There you go.

Good job.

- Aren't they cute?

- Yeah, yeah.
Cute.

Let's just hope
the pants stay on.

- Okay, everybody,
it's snack time.

[children cheering]

- Whose turn was it
to bring snack?

- I got it today.

- Here, everybody.

Oh, now,
the lasagna is hot.

Be careful.

So we'll start
with the antipasto,

And if everything
is finished,

We have cannolis.

- Wow, ray, this is
the best snack I've ever seen.

You're unbelievable.

- Well, you know...

It's all about the kids.