Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 2, Episode 19 - Good Girls - full transcript
Ray finds out the Marie likes Amy more than Debra because Amy is a "good" girl.
- Hi.
- Hi, marie.
- [sniffing]
ooh, what--
Oh, another dinner
get away from you, dear?
- It's burnt popcorn, marie.
- Oh, popcorn for dinner.
How fun.
- No, it wasn't for dinner,
and I didn't--
- Amy! Oh!
- Marie! Oh!
- Oh, honey!
- Hi!
Look, look,
I'm wearing the pin.
- Oh, it looks great
on you, honey.
- Thanks, and thank you so much
for lunch yesterday.
Marie is such a life saver.
- Oh, stop it.
A life saver?
- You brought me lunch at work.
- Oh, honey, it was nothing.
- "it was nothing."
you made your own mustard.
- Well, you deserve it.
- Will you look at my gals?
I call them the two musketeers.
- That's stupid.
- Okay, you know, honey,
Would you like to come
and have a cup of coffee?
- Oh, great.
Deb, you want to go
get some coffee?
- Uh, no, I can't.
I have to--
- She has to take care
of that smell.
- Right this way, my ladies.
Both: Oh, thank you.
[all laughing]
- What the hell was that?
- All right.
Ma wants to get the kitchen
in good shape.
She's letting amy
cook dinner here Friday night.
You and debra
are cordially invited.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Mom's letting amy
use her kitchen?
- That's right.
I don't have to tell you
what a big deal this is, do I?
'cause it's huge.
- It's not huge, robert.
- Mom has never let anybody
cook in her kitchen.
Nobody.
- Oh, what's that
supposed to mean?
- Nothing.
It's just I'm excited
for amy.
And this is the first-year
anniversary of us going out.
- You know, debra
has cooked here, my friend.
- Mm, no, she has not.
- She has too.
- No, sir.
- She has too, you freak.
- You're the freak!
Dad? Dad?
- Ow!
- Has ma ever let debra
cook in her kitchen?
- I'm not getting involved
in your stupid argument.
Your mother likes amy
better than debra.
End of story.
Hold that up.
- Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Wait a minute.
What?
Who told you that?
- Your mother!
Don't go blabbing that.
She said it was a secret.
- Well, what does she mean
she likes her more?
- Oh, they're very close.
You know, they talk every day.
- Every day?
What about yesterday?
- Was yesterday a day?
Every day
For hours.
- It's true.
Amy talks her out.
Marie sometimes goes days
Without having
to say a word to me.
I love amy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Your dad okay?
- Yes.
Hey, did you know that amy's
Cooking a big dinner
over there Friday?
- For their
anniversary thing?
- Yeah.
Yeah, amy's cooking.
In my mom's kitchen.
You've cooked over there
before, right?
- What, are you kidding me?
Marie doesn't even like me
cooking over here.
- Can we turn the tv off,
please, huh?
Does the tv always
have to be on?
- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing.
Can't we just talk?
- Okay, now you're scaring me.
- You don't wish that you could
cook over there sometime, huh?
That wouldn't be fun?
- Um...
That might be the dumbest thing
you've ever said.
Give me the remote.
- No, no, no.
No tv.
- Ray, come on,
what are you doing?
This is stupid!
- It isn't stupid!
- You give me--I don't care what
your mom does with amy, okay?
- No!
No!
- Ray, I'm watching the tv!
- She likes amy more than you!
- What?
- Yeah, that's what
she told my dad.
- She did?
- Yes, and then he
told me and robert.
Oh, and don't go
telling anybody, all right?
It's a secret.
- Okay, I won't.
Why do you care?
- I don't care.
Robert's the one
who was acting all cocky.
"amy's cooking.
Ah."
- What, is this, like, some kind
of competition between you two?
- No!
What--
- Oh, my god.
It is!
Oh, you can't stand it
that your mommy
Likes robbie's girl
better than your girl.
- I'm a little
insulted by that.
- You're insulted?
I'm just this thing
in your stupid sibling rivalry.
- There is no rivalry.
- Oh, no?
Robbie's got
the better girl, ray.
We're behind.
What are we gonna do?
- Where you going?
- Well, I've got
a lot of work to do.
There's
the evening gown competition.
There's swimsuit competition.
Oh, my god,
talent competition.
What should I do,
twirl or sing?
I know!
I'll do both.
[singing]
one, singular sensation
Every little
step she takes
One
Thrilling combination
Every move that she makes
Idiot.
- Nice.
Very nice.
Nice attitude.
Forget about miss congeniality,
that's for sure.
I'm not an idiot.
- Hi, raymond.
Listen, on Friday,
amy's gonna cook--
- Yeah, yeah, I know.
Robert just told me.
- Oh, good.
So you'll be there?
Oh, robbie is so excited.
- Yeah, that's nice for him.
Listen, ma...
- What?
- I want to ask you something.
Sit down.
- All right.
- Why do you like amy
more than debra?
- What?
- Yeah, dad told me.
Dad told me that you liked--
- He's lying.
- Did you say that you like amy
more than debra?
- I am not
Saying that.
- What?
- I am not saying
that I like amy more than debra.
- I know.
I know you're not saying it now.
But did you say it ever?
What if I told you
that we have a tape
Of you saying it, ma?
- Give me the tape.
- Yeah.
There is no tape.
- Well, then you don't have
any proof at all.
- Wait. Wait, mom. Why?
Why did you tell dad that?
- It was supposed
to be a secret.
I'm never gonna talk
to that man again.
- Why don't you like debra?
- Honey, I love debra.
No, it's just that amy and I
get along so well.
She's a very nice girl,
you know?
- Well, so is debra.
Debra's nice.
- No, I don't mean
nice like that.
- Well, what?
- I mean, amy is a very nice
and very good--
She's a very good girl.
- So is debra.
- No.
Good pure.
- Pure?
Whoa, wait.
Wait!
What?
Pure as in amy has never--
- Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh--
I was supposed
to keep that a secret.
- What?
Amy is a good girl?
But she's 33 years old, ma.
She can't be.
- She can't?
- I mean, yeah, she can,
but how?
It's so...
- Refreshing?
- Wow, I don't believe it.
So amy's never let anybody
cook in her kitchen either.
- I don't like that, raymond.
- Well, wait a minute.
Why is amy's goodness
such a big deal?
- Because it tells me
about her character,
The kind of person she is.
See, I think robert
is very lucky
To find a girl like that.
- How do you know
that I wasn't lucky too?
- What are you saying?
- How do you know
that debra wasn't,
You know,
when we got married?
- You mean debra
was a good girl?
- Listen, my mom was just here,
and we were talking,
And it hit me.
I was,
I was being competitive
About amy and robert
and my mom, and
I'm sorry,
Really sorry.
I mean, you know, who cares
what your mom thinks?
- You're right.
You are.
You're right.
In fact, you should
hear the reason
Why she likes amy
more than you.
Oh.
[laughs]
Oh, man.
She's nuts, that lady.
- Why? What?
What did she say?
- Well, first of all,
Did you know
that amy has never--
[clicking tongue]
Huh?
She's saving up for later.
- That's supposed
to be a secret.
Who told you that?
- My mom.
- She did?
- Yeah, can you believe it?
That's it!
That's her whole reason.
- Because amy's a--
- good girl. Good girl.
That's what she's calling her,
a good girl.
- Oh, my god.
- It's so shallow.
- What can I do?
I can't exactly compete with amy
in that department.
You know,
you can't un-ring a bell.
[both laughing]
Oh.
- Nope.
You know what I did?
I told my mother
that you were a good girl too.
[laughs]
[both laugh]
- Well, how does she think
we got the kids?
- I meant before.
You know, before we got married.
[laughs]
[laughs]
- You can stop
laughing now, ray.
- I don't want to.
- Hi.
- What, you get lost?
I'm starving here!
- The babysitter
just got there.
- Yeah, yeah.
Let's get going.
Appetizers, marie
- Welcome to
la cucina dell' amy.
May I take your coats?
- I got it, robert.
- Hi, raymond.
- Hi.
- Oh, debra.
Oh.
I'm so glad you're here.
Oh, come on. Come on.
Come on.
I need your opinion
on this sauce.
- Really?
- Yes, of course.
- Mmm.
Yeah, tastes good.
- Good.
- What's your secret?
Extra-virgin olive oil?
You boys take the appetizers
and get out of here now.
And let us finish in here.
- Okay.
All right.
Come on, debra.
Let's go.
I want debra to stay
and help me with the salad.
- Love your haircut, deb.
- Oh, thanks.
- Oh, yeah,
it's very good.
- Oh, well, you know me,
good hair for a good girl.
[chuckles]
Yeah, want to look good,
want to be good.
Good, good, good.
- Okay, let's get going.
Let's let amy and mom
finish up here.
- No, no, no.
Let--
- No, no, it's amy's dinner,
you know,
And we wouldn't want
to ruin it.
- Are you happy now?
- No.
- Why?
Your mom likes me.
- I'm sorry.
- Hey, ray, try one
of these garlic rounds.
Amy made them.
- Okay, dinner will be ready
in just a few minutes.
- Thank god!
- Isn't this fun?
[giggling]
You and I
should make a big meal
For the family together.
How long has it been?
- Oh, gosh, pretty long.
Let's see,
uh, never.
- No!
[laughs]
No.
Never?
- No.
- Oh, we'll just
have to do it.
- Oh, that's okay.
- No, we'll have lots of fun.
- That's okay, marie.
- Oh, you know what?
You can make
your lemon chicken.
- All right, stop it, ma, huh?
Just stop it.
- What?
- Stop being nice to debra.
- Ugh.
Don't bother, ray.
- No, this is crazy.
She can't keep
treating you like this.
- I shouldn't be nice?
- You're being nice
for the wrong reasons!
You know she can't cook.
And what I said
about debra?
I lied, okay?
I lied!
- What do you mean?
- Debra wasn't a good girl
when we got married.
- Oh!
- Huh?
- What do you mean,
a good girl?
- Go ahead, ray.
Tell him.
- Oh, you weren't a good girl.
[laughs]
got ya.
So who cares about the cooking?
- Why would you lie
to me, raymond?
- Because of you.
You.
You care so much about
who's a good girl and who's not.
You started
this whole competition
Between debra and amy.
- Here we go.
What competition?
- [clears throat]
don't worry. You win.
- And if I'm
following this right, you lose.
- What are you guys
talking about?
- You weren't supposed
to say anything.
- That's why
you like amy better,
'cause she hasn't been
around the block?
Why didn't you
tell me that?
- It was a secret, frank!
- Yes.
It was a secret.
- Amy, what did you
tell marie that for?
- I didn't tell marie.
- Well, I didn't tell her.
- Robert?
- I'm sorry.
I haven't been paying attention.
- All right,
let me fill you in.
We just found out
that you told ma--
- Okay, raymond.
I'm up to speed.
- How come you told
your mother about amy?
You didn't tell me.
- You didn't ask.
- You asked?
- I care about people.
- Marie, why would you
ask that about me?
- Uh, you know,
I can explain it.
Run.
Just run, and keep running.
- Robert, why would you
tell your mother that?
- So she'd like you better.
- You're worse.
You lied so she'd
like me better.
- A lie of love.
- Oh, god, I keep forgetting
What a freak show
this family is
Until somebody new comes in
and looks at us like that.
I remember that look.
That used to be me.
And now I'm one of them.
- I take exception
to that, debra.
- Well, I take exception
to what you think, marie.
You think just because
you were a good girl
In the '50s,
that gives you the right--
- Good girl?
Ha!
- Oh, frank, no!
- Oh, god.
- What the hell
are you talking about?
- Is that true, marie?
- [stammering]
- Go ahead, marie.
I won't tell anyone.
- Okay!
Yes!
Frank and I succumbed
to temptation once,
Just once
before we were married.
I was weak,
And I fell for your father's
boyish good looks.
That was a long time ago.
I knew it.
I knew we shouldn't do
what we did,
But we were in love,
right, frank?
- I wanted sex.
It was a long time ago.
- So it was just the once,
and then you got married?
- It was just the once,
and then we had to get married!
- Frank, no!
- Oh, whoa.
Had to get married?
Wait.
Wait a minute.
So robert's--
- What?
Oh.
- All right.
It's true.
We got married
After I found out
I was pregnant.
And then robbie came along
seven months later.
- Our plan was to tell people
he was two months premature.
Then he was born.
Try passing off a 12-pound baby
as premature.
- Try passing it, period.
- All right.
Wait a minute.
Wait, it's nine months, right?
You were married in September,
and my birthday's in June.
- That's when we told you
your birthday was.
- What?
- It was--
It was easier
that way, robbie.
- Oh, well, as long
as it was easy!
Well, there you go, raymond.
You were conceived legitimately.
You win again.
- Come on, robert, what?
There's no winning.
- Well, I guess I should know.
When is my real birthday?
- April 6th.
- That's today.
- Surprise.
[singing quietly]
happy birthday to you
All: Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear robert
Happy birthday to you
- Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday, honey.
- Happy birthday.
- [singing]
how old am I now?
- Hi, marie.
- [sniffing]
ooh, what--
Oh, another dinner
get away from you, dear?
- It's burnt popcorn, marie.
- Oh, popcorn for dinner.
How fun.
- No, it wasn't for dinner,
and I didn't--
- Amy! Oh!
- Marie! Oh!
- Oh, honey!
- Hi!
Look, look,
I'm wearing the pin.
- Oh, it looks great
on you, honey.
- Thanks, and thank you so much
for lunch yesterday.
Marie is such a life saver.
- Oh, stop it.
A life saver?
- You brought me lunch at work.
- Oh, honey, it was nothing.
- "it was nothing."
you made your own mustard.
- Well, you deserve it.
- Will you look at my gals?
I call them the two musketeers.
- That's stupid.
- Okay, you know, honey,
Would you like to come
and have a cup of coffee?
- Oh, great.
Deb, you want to go
get some coffee?
- Uh, no, I can't.
I have to--
- She has to take care
of that smell.
- Right this way, my ladies.
Both: Oh, thank you.
[all laughing]
- What the hell was that?
- All right.
Ma wants to get the kitchen
in good shape.
She's letting amy
cook dinner here Friday night.
You and debra
are cordially invited.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Mom's letting amy
use her kitchen?
- That's right.
I don't have to tell you
what a big deal this is, do I?
'cause it's huge.
- It's not huge, robert.
- Mom has never let anybody
cook in her kitchen.
Nobody.
- Oh, what's that
supposed to mean?
- Nothing.
It's just I'm excited
for amy.
And this is the first-year
anniversary of us going out.
- You know, debra
has cooked here, my friend.
- Mm, no, she has not.
- She has too.
- No, sir.
- She has too, you freak.
- You're the freak!
Dad? Dad?
- Ow!
- Has ma ever let debra
cook in her kitchen?
- I'm not getting involved
in your stupid argument.
Your mother likes amy
better than debra.
End of story.
Hold that up.
- Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Wait a minute.
What?
Who told you that?
- Your mother!
Don't go blabbing that.
She said it was a secret.
- Well, what does she mean
she likes her more?
- Oh, they're very close.
You know, they talk every day.
- Every day?
What about yesterday?
- Was yesterday a day?
Every day
For hours.
- It's true.
Amy talks her out.
Marie sometimes goes days
Without having
to say a word to me.
I love amy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Your dad okay?
- Yes.
Hey, did you know that amy's
Cooking a big dinner
over there Friday?
- For their
anniversary thing?
- Yeah.
Yeah, amy's cooking.
In my mom's kitchen.
You've cooked over there
before, right?
- What, are you kidding me?
Marie doesn't even like me
cooking over here.
- Can we turn the tv off,
please, huh?
Does the tv always
have to be on?
- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing.
Can't we just talk?
- Okay, now you're scaring me.
- You don't wish that you could
cook over there sometime, huh?
That wouldn't be fun?
- Um...
That might be the dumbest thing
you've ever said.
Give me the remote.
- No, no, no.
No tv.
- Ray, come on,
what are you doing?
This is stupid!
- It isn't stupid!
- You give me--I don't care what
your mom does with amy, okay?
- No!
No!
- Ray, I'm watching the tv!
- She likes amy more than you!
- What?
- Yeah, that's what
she told my dad.
- She did?
- Yes, and then he
told me and robert.
Oh, and don't go
telling anybody, all right?
It's a secret.
- Okay, I won't.
Why do you care?
- I don't care.
Robert's the one
who was acting all cocky.
"amy's cooking.
Ah."
- What, is this, like, some kind
of competition between you two?
- No!
What--
- Oh, my god.
It is!
Oh, you can't stand it
that your mommy
Likes robbie's girl
better than your girl.
- I'm a little
insulted by that.
- You're insulted?
I'm just this thing
in your stupid sibling rivalry.
- There is no rivalry.
- Oh, no?
Robbie's got
the better girl, ray.
We're behind.
What are we gonna do?
- Where you going?
- Well, I've got
a lot of work to do.
There's
the evening gown competition.
There's swimsuit competition.
Oh, my god,
talent competition.
What should I do,
twirl or sing?
I know!
I'll do both.
[singing]
one, singular sensation
Every little
step she takes
One
Thrilling combination
Every move that she makes
Idiot.
- Nice.
Very nice.
Nice attitude.
Forget about miss congeniality,
that's for sure.
I'm not an idiot.
- Hi, raymond.
Listen, on Friday,
amy's gonna cook--
- Yeah, yeah, I know.
Robert just told me.
- Oh, good.
So you'll be there?
Oh, robbie is so excited.
- Yeah, that's nice for him.
Listen, ma...
- What?
- I want to ask you something.
Sit down.
- All right.
- Why do you like amy
more than debra?
- What?
- Yeah, dad told me.
Dad told me that you liked--
- He's lying.
- Did you say that you like amy
more than debra?
- I am not
Saying that.
- What?
- I am not saying
that I like amy more than debra.
- I know.
I know you're not saying it now.
But did you say it ever?
What if I told you
that we have a tape
Of you saying it, ma?
- Give me the tape.
- Yeah.
There is no tape.
- Well, then you don't have
any proof at all.
- Wait. Wait, mom. Why?
Why did you tell dad that?
- It was supposed
to be a secret.
I'm never gonna talk
to that man again.
- Why don't you like debra?
- Honey, I love debra.
No, it's just that amy and I
get along so well.
She's a very nice girl,
you know?
- Well, so is debra.
Debra's nice.
- No, I don't mean
nice like that.
- Well, what?
- I mean, amy is a very nice
and very good--
She's a very good girl.
- So is debra.
- No.
Good pure.
- Pure?
Whoa, wait.
Wait!
What?
Pure as in amy has never--
- Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh--
I was supposed
to keep that a secret.
- What?
Amy is a good girl?
But she's 33 years old, ma.
She can't be.
- She can't?
- I mean, yeah, she can,
but how?
It's so...
- Refreshing?
- Wow, I don't believe it.
So amy's never let anybody
cook in her kitchen either.
- I don't like that, raymond.
- Well, wait a minute.
Why is amy's goodness
such a big deal?
- Because it tells me
about her character,
The kind of person she is.
See, I think robert
is very lucky
To find a girl like that.
- How do you know
that I wasn't lucky too?
- What are you saying?
- How do you know
that debra wasn't,
You know,
when we got married?
- You mean debra
was a good girl?
- Listen, my mom was just here,
and we were talking,
And it hit me.
I was,
I was being competitive
About amy and robert
and my mom, and
I'm sorry,
Really sorry.
I mean, you know, who cares
what your mom thinks?
- You're right.
You are.
You're right.
In fact, you should
hear the reason
Why she likes amy
more than you.
Oh.
[laughs]
Oh, man.
She's nuts, that lady.
- Why? What?
What did she say?
- Well, first of all,
Did you know
that amy has never--
[clicking tongue]
Huh?
She's saving up for later.
- That's supposed
to be a secret.
Who told you that?
- My mom.
- She did?
- Yeah, can you believe it?
That's it!
That's her whole reason.
- Because amy's a--
- good girl. Good girl.
That's what she's calling her,
a good girl.
- Oh, my god.
- It's so shallow.
- What can I do?
I can't exactly compete with amy
in that department.
You know,
you can't un-ring a bell.
[both laughing]
Oh.
- Nope.
You know what I did?
I told my mother
that you were a good girl too.
[laughs]
[both laugh]
- Well, how does she think
we got the kids?
- I meant before.
You know, before we got married.
[laughs]
[laughs]
- You can stop
laughing now, ray.
- I don't want to.
- Hi.
- What, you get lost?
I'm starving here!
- The babysitter
just got there.
- Yeah, yeah.
Let's get going.
Appetizers, marie
- Welcome to
la cucina dell' amy.
May I take your coats?
- I got it, robert.
- Hi, raymond.
- Hi.
- Oh, debra.
Oh.
I'm so glad you're here.
Oh, come on. Come on.
Come on.
I need your opinion
on this sauce.
- Really?
- Yes, of course.
- Mmm.
Yeah, tastes good.
- Good.
- What's your secret?
Extra-virgin olive oil?
You boys take the appetizers
and get out of here now.
And let us finish in here.
- Okay.
All right.
Come on, debra.
Let's go.
I want debra to stay
and help me with the salad.
- Love your haircut, deb.
- Oh, thanks.
- Oh, yeah,
it's very good.
- Oh, well, you know me,
good hair for a good girl.
[chuckles]
Yeah, want to look good,
want to be good.
Good, good, good.
- Okay, let's get going.
Let's let amy and mom
finish up here.
- No, no, no.
Let--
- No, no, it's amy's dinner,
you know,
And we wouldn't want
to ruin it.
- Are you happy now?
- No.
- Why?
Your mom likes me.
- I'm sorry.
- Hey, ray, try one
of these garlic rounds.
Amy made them.
- Okay, dinner will be ready
in just a few minutes.
- Thank god!
- Isn't this fun?
[giggling]
You and I
should make a big meal
For the family together.
How long has it been?
- Oh, gosh, pretty long.
Let's see,
uh, never.
- No!
[laughs]
No.
Never?
- No.
- Oh, we'll just
have to do it.
- Oh, that's okay.
- No, we'll have lots of fun.
- That's okay, marie.
- Oh, you know what?
You can make
your lemon chicken.
- All right, stop it, ma, huh?
Just stop it.
- What?
- Stop being nice to debra.
- Ugh.
Don't bother, ray.
- No, this is crazy.
She can't keep
treating you like this.
- I shouldn't be nice?
- You're being nice
for the wrong reasons!
You know she can't cook.
And what I said
about debra?
I lied, okay?
I lied!
- What do you mean?
- Debra wasn't a good girl
when we got married.
- Oh!
- Huh?
- What do you mean,
a good girl?
- Go ahead, ray.
Tell him.
- Oh, you weren't a good girl.
[laughs]
got ya.
So who cares about the cooking?
- Why would you lie
to me, raymond?
- Because of you.
You.
You care so much about
who's a good girl and who's not.
You started
this whole competition
Between debra and amy.
- Here we go.
What competition?
- [clears throat]
don't worry. You win.
- And if I'm
following this right, you lose.
- What are you guys
talking about?
- You weren't supposed
to say anything.
- That's why
you like amy better,
'cause she hasn't been
around the block?
Why didn't you
tell me that?
- It was a secret, frank!
- Yes.
It was a secret.
- Amy, what did you
tell marie that for?
- I didn't tell marie.
- Well, I didn't tell her.
- Robert?
- I'm sorry.
I haven't been paying attention.
- All right,
let me fill you in.
We just found out
that you told ma--
- Okay, raymond.
I'm up to speed.
- How come you told
your mother about amy?
You didn't tell me.
- You didn't ask.
- You asked?
- I care about people.
- Marie, why would you
ask that about me?
- Uh, you know,
I can explain it.
Run.
Just run, and keep running.
- Robert, why would you
tell your mother that?
- So she'd like you better.
- You're worse.
You lied so she'd
like me better.
- A lie of love.
- Oh, god, I keep forgetting
What a freak show
this family is
Until somebody new comes in
and looks at us like that.
I remember that look.
That used to be me.
And now I'm one of them.
- I take exception
to that, debra.
- Well, I take exception
to what you think, marie.
You think just because
you were a good girl
In the '50s,
that gives you the right--
- Good girl?
Ha!
- Oh, frank, no!
- Oh, god.
- What the hell
are you talking about?
- Is that true, marie?
- [stammering]
- Go ahead, marie.
I won't tell anyone.
- Okay!
Yes!
Frank and I succumbed
to temptation once,
Just once
before we were married.
I was weak,
And I fell for your father's
boyish good looks.
That was a long time ago.
I knew it.
I knew we shouldn't do
what we did,
But we were in love,
right, frank?
- I wanted sex.
It was a long time ago.
- So it was just the once,
and then you got married?
- It was just the once,
and then we had to get married!
- Frank, no!
- Oh, whoa.
Had to get married?
Wait.
Wait a minute.
So robert's--
- What?
Oh.
- All right.
It's true.
We got married
After I found out
I was pregnant.
And then robbie came along
seven months later.
- Our plan was to tell people
he was two months premature.
Then he was born.
Try passing off a 12-pound baby
as premature.
- Try passing it, period.
- All right.
Wait a minute.
Wait, it's nine months, right?
You were married in September,
and my birthday's in June.
- That's when we told you
your birthday was.
- What?
- It was--
It was easier
that way, robbie.
- Oh, well, as long
as it was easy!
Well, there you go, raymond.
You were conceived legitimately.
You win again.
- Come on, robert, what?
There's no winning.
- Well, I guess I should know.
When is my real birthday?
- April 6th.
- That's today.
- Surprise.
[singing quietly]
happy birthday to you
All: Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear robert
Happy birthday to you
- Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday, honey.
- Happy birthday.
- [singing]
how old am I now?