Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 2, Episode 17 - The Ride-Along - full transcript

- Oh, big mistake.

He's going
into the alley.

My boys should be
coming right...Now.

- What? Oh, you seen
this one already.

- No, no, that's the way
you do it, see?

First of all,
you set up a perimeter, right?

You close off
all the avenues of escape.

It's like
catching a mouse.

- Hey, I've seen you
with a mouse.

Remember this?

Aah!



[laughs]

- Remember me beatin'
the crap outta you?

Ah, they got
the bracelets on him.

He ain't goin'
nowhere.

- Of course he's not
going anywhere.

The show's call "cops."
it's fixed.

You never see the bad guy
getting away.

- Let 'em get
their own show.

You see the way
they ran that punk down?

- You ever run like that?

- I've been known to.

- Yeah, when do you run?

- When I have to.
- Yeah.

Last time you ran was when
the wind took your balloon.



- What are you saying,
raymond?

- Nothing. Nothing.

- You don't think
I do this?

- Come on, this is show biz.

This is three months of filming
cut down to half an hour.

What?

- Want to go on
a ride-along?

- What?

- A citizen's ride-along.

Come on, big shot.

Spend a shift in the back
of my patrol car.

- What and drive around
with you?

- Mm-hmm.
That's right.

Put your ass
where your mouth is.

- Why would I want to--

- You know
what I mean.

What's the matter,
you scared?

- I'm not--I'm not scared.
I'll go anytime.

- How about tonight?

- I can't go tonight.

- Yeah, that's
'cause you're scared.

- All right, go ahead.

I'll go.
You set it up, and I'll go.

- All right, fine,
I'll check with my partner,

And we'll
get you a vest.

- What do you mean,
a vest?

- Bullet...Proof...Vest.

- Okay, fine.

Fine. Go ahead.

Go right ahead.

I'll just--I'll check
with my partner.

Hey, deb.

Robert wants me
to go with him

On his patrol tonight,
you know, and...

Sit in the car
where all the action is

And wear a bulletproof
vest, okay?

- Sure. Have fun.

- [singing "dragnet" theme]
bum-ba-da-dun

- Frank,
what are you doing?

Close
the refrigerator.

Put that on a plate.

- I don't want a plate.

I just want
a couple of bites.

- That's disgusting,

Sticking your fork
in there.

Now nobody else
can eat it.

- That's all it takes?

This fork
was in the ice cream too.

- Oh, hi, dear.

You hungry?

I'm sorry, I can't
offer you lasagna or ice cream.

- Or chocolate cake.

- He's like an animal
marking his territory.

Hey!

- Come on,
that was a compliment.

- God, I wish this was
the wrong house.

Where's robert?

- He's going to work
in a few minutes.

- Yeah, I know. I know.
I'm going with him.

- What?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Robert, you're taking
raymond to work with you?

- Yeah, on a citizen
ride-along.

- No one discussed this
with me.

You're not going.

- Aw--
- aw, ray.

Your mommy
won't let you go.

- Ma, I'm an adult,
okay?

I don't need
a permission slip.

- Oh, you do have
to sign this release form.

The department can't guarantee
your protection.

- I thought you were
my protection.

- No, he's not--robbie,
give me that.

Oh, frank,
do something!

Robert's putting
raymond in danger.

- Danger?
You want to know danger?

- Here we go.

- Try korea.

They were firing at us
with kalashnikov rifles.

Those things snap off
30 rounds a second.

What are you two
gonna be doing,

Sitting in a squad car
with a thermos full of cocoa?

- Actually, no.

That increases
the frequency of urination.

- I--I don't like
any of this.

- Come on, let's go,
raymond.

- Oh, raymond, don't.

- Ma, I'm going.
I'm going.

- Oh, don't.

All right then,
why only raymond?

Take debra
and the kids too.

That way I'll lose
my whole family in one night.

At least take him!

- 2-3, sergeant.

- 2-3,
sergeant.

- You get that 10-10?

- I copy.

- Sergeant?
They call you sergeant?

- That's his rank.
Sit back.

- Sergeant.

Do they know
you lick your q-tips

Before you stick 'em
in your ears?

- Raymond.

- I copy the 10-10.

Open warehouse door,
checked out okay.

- Open door, yeah.

Nobody even broke in.

Good thing
I'm wearing the vest.

It could've been drafty.

- We better drive by
later.

If it's open again,
we'll call in a k-9 car

And, uh, send in
the bow-wow.

That's a police dog.

- Oh, bow-wow's
a police dog.

Hmm, how do you
crack that code?

- That ain't funny.

And you don't talk
while we're on the radio.

Now sit back!

- I told you, raymond:

It's important that you not
interfere with police business.

- Well, what police business?

We've been driving around
for 3 hours.

I saw more action
on my paper route.

- All right!

- Hey, maybe later
we can climb a tree

And save a meow-meow.

- That's enough,
raymond.

- I'm starting to see
what you mean

About your little brother.

- Yeah, see what
I'm saying?

- What? What does he say?

- Sit back!
I'm not gonna tell you again!

- You just lost your tip.

There's nothing to do.
I'm bored back here.

At least run the siren
a little.

This vest
is a little smelly.

Hey, if you wash these
with regular clothes,

Do they become
bulletproof?

Okay. Okay.

- 2-3, sergeant.

- 2-3,
sergeant.

- Got an emergency call,
patching it through.

- All right.

Emergency.

You wanted action?
Here we go.

- Robbie, how's raymond?

Is he okay?
I want to talk to raymond.

- Ma!

- Give me the usual.

I'm going
to the ladies' room.

- Why are we taking a break?

What are we
taking a break from?

- How about a break
from your mouth?

- She seems nice.

- Sit down, raymond.

Sit down.

I want to talk to you.

- All right,

But I have a right
to a ginger ale.

You know that?

- Just stop it, okay?

I'm sorry this is such
a slow night for you.

- No, no, no.
There was that open door.

- Enough, raymond. Okay?

A slow night for you
is a good night for me.

You have no idea
what this job entails.

And your attitude is an insult
to me, my partner,

And every other cop
on the force.

- Relax, robert.

I'm--I'm joking here,
that's all.

- Yeah, yeah, right, yeah.

They're
just little jokes, right?

I'm one big joke to you--

My height,
my little quirks,

The year I had an afro.

- Now, come on.
That was funny.

- It was the style
then, man.

- All right, come on, relax.

- You guys gonna order,
or can I grab a smoke?

- Come on.
What do you want to eat?

I'm buying.
- I'm not hungry.

- Come on.
I'll buy for judy too.

What does she eat,
little kids?

- You just can't stop,
can you?

- Look, when you're ready,
I'm out back.

- Robert.

- What?

- Over there.

- Hurry it up.

- Get down.

- Huh?

- Get down.

- Robert...

I left my vest
in the car.

- Now, whatever happens...

Stay down.

- No, no, no,
wait, wait, wait.

Call the police.

- Shh.

- Come on, let's go.
Hurry up, come on.

[clatter]

- Get your hands
behind your back.

- I didn't do
anything!

- You didn't do
anything, huh?

- What'd I do?

- Is everybody okay?
Nemo, you all right?

- Yeah, yeah.
- How we doin', huh?

Wise guy.

- What happened here?

- Well,
we got a 10-30.

Better check
outside.

You all right, nemo?
- Yeah.

- No getaway car.

Got no friends?

- That's all right.
We'll give him a ride.

Get him outta here.

- I'll radio it in.

- Come on, ray.
You can ride up front.

Come on.

What are you looking at?

- Ray?

- Hmm.

- What time is it?

- Hmm.

- What are you doing?

Why are you lying
there like that?

Take your clothes off.

- Oh, I'm not in the mood.

- What are you
talking about?

Hey, how was
the ride-along?

- It was very boring.

Followed by a short period
of terrifying.

- What do you mean?
What happened?

- We went into nemo's
for a break,

And a guy came in
with a gun.

- My god!
What do you mean, a gun?

- A gun. A gun.
I mean a gun.

A thing they use
to rob things.

- What are you doing
with a gun?

- Nothing!
I didn't have the gun.

- I mean near a gun!

Who told you to go out
and be with guns?

- You did.
- I did not.

I said you could
ride in the back

Of robert's police car.

I never said you should
get out of the car.

- I'm okay, I'm okay.

- Jerk! You idiot!

- I'm okay. I'm okay!

- Stupid, how could you...?

- Ow!

I need my vest again.

- My god.
How did this--what happened?

- Nothing,
'cause robert stopped the guy,

And then we took him
to the station,

And then robert booked him
and printed him,

And then I told robert
I had to throw up,

And judy took me home.

- How is robert?

- He's fine.

He's--I've never
seen him like that.

He just took control.
He's...

You know,
it's like one minute

He's my brother
who eats like this,

And the next minute,
he's like this...Cop.

- Why? What did he do?

- I don't know.

It happened so fast.
I don't know exactly.

And my view was a little
obstructed by the...Table leg.

- Oh, were you scared?

- A little.

- Ohh...

- Yeah, b-but robert,
you know, was...

Was not.

- Well, you know,
that's his job.

- I know, I know,
but I couldn't do that.

I mean, what's the most
dangerous thing I do?

I let the kids jump on me
without wearing a cup.

Robert--
robert is--he's really--

He's--he's really...

- You're proud of him.

- Well...

He's like a...Hero.

You know,
and everybody's always

Making a big fuss
about what I do

Just 'cause
I have some column.

Robert's the one whose name
should be in the paper.

- Did you tell him that?

- You know what?

I'm gonna do better
than that.

- Who are you calling?

- Hold on.

Hey, max. Yeah, it's ray.

Listen, you didn't put the paper
to bed yet, did you?

Okay, great.
I got a great story.

I went with my brother
on this police ride-along.

Yeah, yeah, the big guy.

Yeah, the chin-toucher.

Yeah, listen,

Listen, you're not gonna
believe what happened.

- Honey,
what are you doing?

- I'm cutting
molly's hair.

- Oh, no, no, sweetie,

If you cut a doll's hair
it doesn't grow back.

Only people hair
grows back.

- Oh.

Geoffrey!

- No, no, sweetie,
sweetie, no.

That's okay.
Just cut the doll's hair.

Oh, here, see?
You missed a spot.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Is the article
in there?

- I can't...Find it.

Oh, no.

- What, they didn't
print it?

- Look at that.

- That's you.

- I know.

That's a picture
of me. Why?

- "newsday's own ray barone
survives pizza holdup."

I thought it was supposed
to be about robert.

- It was!

"sports columnist
ray barone,

Narrowly escaped gunplay
when an armed robber..."

Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah!

- Does it
mention him at all?

- "police apprehended
the suspect."

That--police.
They didn't mention him.

- He's police.

- Oh, no.
What did they do?

- Hey, maybe robert won't read
the paper today.

- He's robert.
He reads it every day.

He reads it.

He taps
his chin 12 times with it,

And he reads it again.

Aaggh!

- Hey, robert.

Oh, you read the paper.

- I only wish I didn't
have to read it again.

"newsday's
own ray barone..."

- Okay, okay, let me explain.

- Oh, no, no need.

- Listen, the reason
I called the paper--

- The reason,
raymond...

I think I know
the reason.

It's called
self-promotion.

- What? No.

- What's the matter,
raymond, huh?

Sports section
isn't enough anymore?

- Oh, come on--

- You have to be
all over the paper.

- Robert.
- Ga-ga-ga-ga.

Why don't you
hop on the subway,

Make the travel
section?

- All right, come on.

- How about
the food section?

"newsday's
own ray barone

Enjoys salami sandwich."

I'll tell you what.

I'll give you change
for a dollar.

You can make
the financial pages.

"ray barone converts
paper into coin."

- Are you through?

- Yes.

Unless you're gonna be
changing your clothes today.

Fashion pages!

- I get it!
I get it, robert.

- Why are people talking?

It's 8:00 in the morning.

No talking before 9:00.

- Oh, good, raymond.
You're back.

You hungry?

- No, no.
No, thanks, mom.

- So how was it?

- Here, you can
read about it in the paper.

- No, give me--

Come on, robert.

- Robert,
what is that?

"newsday's own
ray barone survives..."

Guns?

- Listen, listen,
the point was--

- What did you do
to your brother?

- What? What happened?

Nothing happened.

- Nemo's was robbed,
and raymond was there.

I knew that something
would happen to him.

- What happened
to him?

He's standing here.

He's fine!

Let's celebrate with
the making of some eggs.

- Are you okay,
sweetie?

- Yes, I'm okay
because robert--

- Oh, how could you do
that to your brother?

He could've been killed!

- Ma, you don't understand--
- be quiet.

Getting involved
in something like that

With your brother there?

He's gentle!

- Police business, mom.

My job?

- Oh, stop with
the excuses!

No more tag-arounds!

- It's a ride-along, ma.
Okay?

And you don't have
to worry anymore

'cause it'll never
happen again.

Gentle raymond can stay

As far away from me
as possible.

- Come on.
Robert!

- All right, good.

All right,
you must be upset, sweetie.

I'll make you
some oatmeal.

That'll settle
your stomach.

- Who the hell voted
for oatmeal?

- Forget the oatmeal.

Why are you doing
that to him?

- Do what?

- You act like
it's nothing what he does.

He stopped an armed
robbery last night.

I didn't do anything.
I had to throw up.

- You threw up?

You should have
some dry toast.

- Will you stop?

Robert's the one
you should be worried about.

Are you listening
to me, ma?

He's the one
who's out there every day.

He's the one who's
risking his life--

- I know what he does.

I don't need
to think about it.

- Okay, I just wanted
you to know--

- Enough!

Your mother doesn't like
to think about it!

Now--now you made me forget.

What is it--
oatmeal or eggs, marie?

Let's go!

- Okay.
- Come on!

- Excuse me.

- You taking shamsky
for a walk?

- Yep.

- Hey, maybe I'll
go with you.

- Well, you better
check with your mama.

- Oh, come on, robert.
Wait up.

- It's cold.

You two,
button your coats.

[door closes]

- So...

- Yeah?

- You always walk him
this early?

- I gotta get him to the park
before the other dogs.

- Why, he fights?

- Nah. Shy bladder.

- Listen,
the newspaper thing.

It was supposed
to be about you.

You know,
I told them--

- No, no, listen,
I know how that stuff works.

You work for the paper.
People know who you are.

You're the important part.

- No, you were
the important part.

- All right, listen,
I'm fine with it, okay?

It doesn't matter to me
what people think.

- I know.

I'm glad I saw that,
though,

'cause you were...

Something.

- Thanks.

Want to go again tonight?

- What are you, nuts?

- Well, how about to the park?

- Yeah, okay.
Park, okay.

You gonna button
your coat?

- Nah.

- Nah. Me neither.

- You couldn't listen
to your mother.

Next time I say
button your coats,

Maybe you'll button
your coats.

And no more "cops."
that's not entertainment.