Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 2, Episode 16 - The Checkbook - full transcript

- Ray, have you ever
even seen our budget?

- There's an actual piece of
paper that says "budget" on it?

- You have no idea
what I do here, do you?

- Why do I need to know?

- Okay, I'm going
to explain it to you.

- Oh, don't. No.

You're gonna kill the magic.

- Okay, once every two weeks,
I go into the hamper,

I find your pants,
and I dig out your paycheck.

- You're welcome.

- I deduct our fixed costs,
and I figure out



How much we have
to service our debt.

Now, whatever's left over
is our discretionary fund.

And from that,
I put away as much as possible

For the kids' college growth
and income plan.

You understand?

- You know, one of your eyes
is bigger than the other one.

- You can't even listen to me.

You can't even hear
about the budget?

- You're making it
so complicated.

- What do you mean
I'm making it complicated?

- Yeah, you are. Why don't you
just pay the bills?

I didn't mean what I said.

What I meant was, it seems like
it should be easier--for you.

- It's going to be a lot easier.



- Okay. I'm sorry.

- No, no, no. You're right.

I'm making it
way too complicated.

Just pay the bills.

- All right,
I guess I'll have to show you

How easy it can be, then.

You saw daddy talking.
You couldn't stop me?

- Health department.

- That ain't funny, raymond.

- Hey, couple of slices?
- Hey. Yeah.

Hi, how are ya?

Nothing.

- Hey, ray-gele.
- Hey, andy.

Thanks for coming, man.
- No problem.

I was in the mood
for a little botulism.

- Do me a favor, huh?
I've been paying the bills

For the last couple of weeks.

I got this
from the electric company.

Take a look at that.

- They're turning off
your service.

- Yeah. Why?
I don't get it.

I mean, I paid all this stuff
six weeks ago.

- Can I ask you something?

Why are you
handling the checkbook?

Did debra leave you?

- Debra, she's made such a big
deal about paying the bills.

That it doesn't have
to be that complicated.

- Well, no electricity
is less complicated.

You're like the amish now.

- Fine. Come on.
You're good with numbers.

Here. Take a look at this stuff.

There's no reason they should be
sending me mean letters.

- Well, here's a reason.
Your check bounced.

- What?

- Wow!
You bounced many checks here!

You bounced 14 checks,

And you were charged
$300 in penalties.

Excellent work!

- What do you mean?
I sent these checks myself.

- Checks that didn't clear, ray.

You might as well have sent
little pieces of toilet paper.

- I make more
than enough money.

- Well, mazel tov to you.

You're $3,000 overdrawn here.

You didn't even
open up your bank statement!

- I trusted the bank.

- You didn't reconcile
your checkbook!

- Huh?

- You have to keep track, ray!

Give me this.

What did you do here?

Why'd you pay so much
on your visa card?

- Because I'm not
going to pay interest charges.

You pay in full,
no interest charges.

- That is smart.

No money left, either.

Look at this,
debra had everything in order.

- Yeah, yeah.
Debra, debra, debra.

All right,
I'm sick of this money stuff.

Just tell me what I have to do.

You got to take
last month's ending balance.

Then you add the interest
accrued on the account.

Then you add all the checks
that we know have cleared,

And then you subtract
that number from...

Ray, what did
I just say to you?

- "accrued."

- All right, ray,

You had your little fun
with mommy's checkbook.

Now it's time
to give it back to her.

- No, no, all right,
I'm not giving it back to her,

'cause then she's gonna know
that I couldn't do this.

When they cut off your power
and tow away your house.

- I don't get it!
Look, how can it be this bad?

It's only been six weeks.

- That's what's so shocking.

You need to put $3,000
in the bank,

And you're going to have
to tell debra about this.

- No. No, I can't.

- Ray, eventually she's
going to see that checkbook.

- You're right.

You're right.
I got to do the smart thing.

- Good.

- I'll make a fake checkbook.

- Like that shade?
- Very nice.

- Look at this. Look at this.

Toes.

Just a little bit darker
than the nails.

That's what the woman
said was "in" now.

- What, did you go
to the beauty parlor?

- Salon, grandpa.

Yes. And it was great.

- What do they charge
for that?

- $20.

- $20? That's like...

A buck a nail!

- What is the big deal?
I never do this.

- I don't think this is the time

To start doing things
we never do.

You know,
I mean we should barely

Be doing the things we've done.

And maybe cut back
a little on those.

- Oh, oh, I get it.

Now that
you're doing the checkbook,

You're mr. Responsible.

You know,
to tell you the truth,

I'm surprised
you could stay on top of that.

- I'm on top of it.

I'm fully reconciled...
And accruing.

- Great.

To tell you the truth,
I was a little afraid to ask.

- You don't got to be afraid.
You want to see the...

Checkbook?

- Yeah. Okay.

- I got no problem with that.

Here, take a look.

Everything balanced.

Paid in full, except the visa.
You don't pay that in full.

There you go.
Car, mortgage, electric bill.

All paid up.

Huh?

- [gasps]
- what?

- I don't believe this.

- You don't?

- This is amazing.

This is...

Beautiful.

- Yeah?

- You did this?

- Yeah.

I said I would, right?

- [sighs]

- What? What's the matter?

- I don't know.
You just--I mean...

You've been just doing it.

You didn't complain once.

I was always--
I don't know.

It was such
a huge pressure for me.

- There's some pressure
for me.

- You'd never know it.

Thanks, honey.

- You're welcome.

Good night.

- Hey, ray.
How's it going?

- Nothing. Nothing.
Keep your voice down.

Saw you sneaking out of your
house at 5:00 in the a.M.

- Stop watching my house.

And I wasn't sneaking out.

I had to get over to the
electric company payment center.

- Why?

- 'cause those idiots,

They shut off
my power last night,

And I didn't want debra
to wake up without power.

She likes toast.

- What's going on, raymond?

- Nothing.

- You got fired?

- No, no.

- How you doin'?

Nothing.

- Let me ask you something.

Remember when you told me
that moving in with mom and dad

Was going to help you
put money away?

How's that going for you?

- You're not moving in
with us, raymond.

- What? I--

- We have a very delicate
ecosystem over there.

- I'm not asking
to move in, all right?

I'm asking about
the money part.

How's that going?

- Good. I'm saving a little.

- Yeah. Good. Good.

Good, I mean,
you know, it's smart.

They make fun of a man
who lives with his parents,

But they don't
see the upside to that.

I mean,
it's the financial security.

- That's exactly right.
Thank you.

- I envy you, you know?
'cause you're kind of set.

You are.
Matter of fact,

I was going to ask if I could
borrow a little money.

- Oh?

- Yeah, just--
just a quick loan.

- Well, well, wait, wait.
Let's not go too quick here.

So...You need my help.

- No, no. Look, hey, we all
stumble. How much you need?

- Oh, no.
It's just--it's too much.

- How much?

- $3,000.

- $3,000?

Gambling?

- No.

- Raymond, you're not...

- I'm not doing cocaine,
robert.

- I'm going to give you
a phone number.

- Robert, it's not--
will you stop it?

I'm having a little trouble

Paying this month's bills,
that's all.

- Mm-hmm. Debra know?

- I want to keep debra
out of this.

You get a lady in trouble,
raymond?

- Listen, you can level with me.
I'm your brother.

Okay, you screwed up.
- I didn't screw up.

- Why are you assuming
I screwed up for?

- Then why can't
debra find out?

- Because...

- She's the one
with the problem?

- Yep.

- Oh, she's not going nuts
with the credit cards, is she?

- Well...

- Yeah, well, yeah.
I've seen it before.

Compulsive shopping.
Rip a family apart.

- Yeah, I know. I know.
She feels bad, you know,

About it already,
so let's just--

- Wow!
- Yeah.

- I had no idea
she was like that.

- It was a surprise to me.

- You know what she needs?

She needs to get
her self-worth back.

She should get a job

And earn back
part of that money, huh?

- I thought of that,
and then I started thinking,

You know, hey,
what about the kids?

I mean, they need their mother.

- Of course. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

- That's all right.
- Stupid.

- It's okay. It's okay.

So, you know, what do you think?
Can you help us?

- Well, sure, of course.

$3,000 enough?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's good.

- What about you, ray?

How you doing?

Do you need anything?

- No, no, no, I'm fine.

You know,
this isn't about me.

- Hello, raymond.

- Where's robert?

- Oh, he was late for work,

But he asked me
to give this to you.

- Oh, good.

- Is there anything
you want to tell us?

- Like how come there's
a $3,000 check in there?

- Robert.

- Why are you taking money
from your brother?

- Keep it down.

- Why didn't you
just come to us?

I would love to help debra
with her problem.

- He told you about that?

- At least he talks
to his mother.

- How come robert's got
3,000 bucks to throw around?

He should be giving us
rent money.

- He's our son, frank.

You don't charge your son.

- He's a giant, marie.

You know what it costs
just to heat him?

- All right, okay,
thanks for coming.

He's got 3 grand, and I'm paying
for the pudding pops!

- Well, you eat them too, frank.

- No more pudding pops!

And no solid white tuna, either.

Chunk light is perfectly fine.

I'm not running
a country club anymore!

- I like the solid white.

- Too bad!

- It's my one luxury.

- All right, already.

Come on, I'll give you
a tuna boat, all right,

If you just give me the check
and get out of here.

All right,
I don't want debra to hear this.

- Well, maybe debra should hear.

I mean, I see the way
she dresses

And takes these
little trips to the mall

So that
"the kids can get out."

How long has she
been out of control?

- Not that long.

- Doesn't she handle
your checkbook?

- No. Not anymore.

- That's good.
Cut her off cold turkey.

You don't give a boozer
the key to the liquor cabinet.

- Okay, boys, come on.
We got to get going.

Hey, marie. Hey, frank.

- Hi, debra.

What a very nice outfit.
- Oh, thank you.

Look, my nails match.
I had them done.

- I noticed.
- Oh, yes. See, ray?

It was worth the money.

Oh, listen,
can you give me some cash

'cause I can't find
my atm card?

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

I have to pick up ally
at ballet class.

- You know, I don't even
think I have cash on me.

- Okay.
- Dad, you wouldn't, uh...

- No.

No!

- Okay,
so just give me a check.

- Yeah, I'll just stop at the
bank and cash it on the way.

- All righty.

- A blank check?

- Mm, maybe I'll
swing by tiffany's.

See ya later.

- My god!

- A blank check.

You're dumber
than I tell people.

- Give me that.
- Where are you going?

- I got to put this in the bank
before she gets there.

- I told him
she was too pretty for him.

- Thank god
I didn't make that mistake.

- Are you coming to bed?

- Can't.

- How long
are you going to be?

- Depends.

- On what?

- How long it takes to fix
what you've done here.

- All right,
so like a few minutes, right?

Listen.

I'm really sorry.

- Yeah, I know you are.

- Can I get anything?
Do you need any help?

Anything I can do at all?

Look, shouldn't you just
yell at me here or something?

- Ray, when you're on the
titanic, you load the lifeboats.

You don't stop
to yell at the iceberg.

- Hmm.

Hey, who wants oatmeal?

- I will say this, ray.

- Okay. Good. Good. Go.

- You put so much effort
into a fake checkbook.

Why didn't you just take
a little of that effort

In doing it right
in the first place?

- I don't have to
sit here and take this.

- No, really!
Come on, I want to know.

- It's the numbers.
I stink at numbers.

- You wouldn't
if they were golf scores.

And that's what
bothers me the most.

I mean, it's not
that you can't do it.

It's that you won't do it.

You're like the kids.
They only want to do what's fun.

- And yet,
you still love them.

- You know, I hate doing
the checkbook,

But I do it anyway.

And do you know why I do it
even though I hate it?

- 'cause deep down,
you really like it.

- No, ray.

- I know, I know, I know,
'cause you're an adult.

And if it wasn't for you,

All this would be
a big smoking crater.

And I...I...

- What?

- I appreciate
what you do here.

- You know,
you've never said that before.

- Sure, I have.
Remember our wedding night?

- Well, it was very nice
both times that you said it.

Maybe you could say it
a little more often.

- Okay. I will. I will.

I appreciate you.

I appreciate you.

- Whoa, wait a minute.

That's not
a "get out of jail free" card.

We're not done here.
Get back here.

Now, look, I've gone through
your checkbook,

And I've gone through
your fake checkbook.

And it's just not adding up.

- Yeah, you know what
that might be?

- A third checkbook?

- I, uh, I accidentally bounced
a check in the fake one.

- What check did you bounce?

- I don't know which one.
It might've been--

Yeah. That was it.
Yeah.

- Hi, debra.

- Hi, marie.
Hi, frank.

- You know what happened
to me today?

I got a new credit card
in the mail.

But I think
it may be counterfeit.

- Really?
- Yes.

Would you mind if I compared
yours against mine?

- Sure. No problem.

Here. This one?

- Yes.

- What the hell
are you doing?

- You'll thank us later, dear.

- I appreciate you.