Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 2, Episode 10 - High School - full transcript

Ray, the kids have to be picked up soon.
Can you go get them?

I just sat down.

What are you, 80?

-What are you doing?
-I'm sorting the catalogs.

God's work.

Come on, one of us has to go.

-You go.
-I always go, Ray.

Watch your step, Frank.

-All right, I'll go.
-No, I'll go.

I need your counter space.
I accidentally doubled my cookie recipe.

What's that, 5,000 cookies?



Careful. Hot stuff.

Don't get comfortable, Frank.
We have another batch coming out.

Enjoy. Share it with your friends.

Okay, bye.

Are you done with this? Gifts from Ireland?

Get the clothing one.

Why do I need new clothes?

Because people can see you.

Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island
with my wife, Debra...

my 6-year-oId daughter
and twin 2-year old boys.

-Me!
-My parents...

Live across the street. That's right.

And my brother lives with them.

Now, not every family
would defy gravity for you...



but mine would because--

Everybody loves Raymond.

Hey, you didn't....

-Hey, Robert. Want a cookie?
-Yeah, why not?

These look pretty good.

She gave me all the irregulars.

Guess who Shamsky and I
saw at the park today.

Gary Hebner.

Hebs? Man, I haven't seen him
since high school.

Well, you'll see him Saturday.
He's going to your reunion.

-You have a reunion?
-No.

Wait a minute.
This would be your 20th reunion.

Ray, why didn't you tell me about this?

'Cause I'm not going, okay?
Only losers go to those things.

Thank you.

I'm planning on going to my 20th.
Does that make me a loser?

Four years away,
and you're already planning it?

Ray, you should really think about going,
you know?

It's like your own personal twilight zone.

The last time you saw everybody
was graduation, right?

And then, pow! Everybody's 20 years older.

Spooky.

Come on, Ray,
you never talk about high school.

I wanna see that part of your life.
I wanna see what made you, you.

What made me?
Here, follow the trail of cookies.

-We're going.
-No.

Yes. Come on.
I want to wear my new red dress.

Here, and you should just pick something
from there, okay?

I pick him. You can go with him.

-Now, why don't you want to go?
-'Cause I just--

What is it? Come on, you're a big success.

You have this dream job, a beautiful home,
a terrific family.

This is a great life.

That's your spin on it.

And you know what else?

You still have all your hair.
And it's still very thick.

It is very Luxurious, Ray.

I don't know.

All right, we'll stop by.

Okay, great. Go get the kids now.

He uses conditioner, doesn't he?

And he tops it off with the volumizer?

-We're not going to stay too long, okay?
-All right.

Wait a minute, that guy's got hair.

That guy's got hair.
You promised me bald people.

Yeah. Look, ??The Eagles return to the nest.??

Yeah, we were the Eagles.
Now where are the bald eagles?

-Hey, wait.... Man!
-What? Who's that?

I went to high school with that guy.

-What are the odds?
-That's.... Yeah, we're here.

-Scott Preman. Come here.
-Ray.

-Debra, my wife. Scott Preman.
-Hello.

I was reading my yearbook before,
and I want you to know...

that I do remember the good times
in study hall...

and I did have an excellent summer.

Right. I wrote that in his book.

Scott and I,
we hung out a lot in high school.

Oh, man.

You remember when
the Egg McMuffin came out?

We snuck out of school
and got like, three of them.

Yeah.

That was wild.

What was Ray like then?

-He was crazy.
-What?

-Yes.
-What?

One time, we went to McDonald??s.
He walked through the drive-through.

Here's him, he's like, ??Honk-honk.
Hey, hurry it up. It's taking too Long.??

It was so the girl in the window
would look at me.

-Did she look at you?
-Not the way I planned it.

You remember that?

Bald eagle, 3:00.

-Red Baron.
-Here you go, White Lightning.

White Lightning?

-We had CB radios. That was their handle.
-What was your handle?

Warren, look who's here.

Man, Ray!

Newsday's Ray Barone.

-How you doing, Warren?
-You still going by Straight Cheater?

Straight Cheater?

Okay, shut up.

You guys remember Foxy Lady?

-You idiots.
-Yeah.

This was great. We used to talk to her
all the time on the CB...

and then one night,
we arranged to meet up with her.

And we pulled into
the parking lot of HoJo's.

And we were in the parking lot...

and Foxy Lady, it turns out,
is Mrs. Drayer from the cafeteria.

She was the lunch lady.

Yeah. Ray wanted to moon her.

-You would??ve been such dead meat.
-Yeah.

-I'm going to let you guys all catch up.
-Where are you going?

-I'm going to the ladies' room.
-Bring me back one.

Okay.

-You have a wife.
-Yeah.

How about you guys? Married or....

You guys remember that time
we all went into the girls' bathroom?

I remember. We were pushed in.

That's right. Pete Hastings pushes us in,
holds the door shut...

and you were crying.

Yeah? Scott cried during the SATs
when he skipped a question by mistake...

-and all his answers were off by one.
-Yeah.

That wasn't funny, okay?
I had to go to community college.

Yeah. But you cried.

Yeah, right. I know.

Man, look who's here.

Whoa! That's Jessica Bell.

-Ding-dong.
-Please come in.

Ring my bell

She's coming. She's coming this way, man.

I can't believe you talked to her.

She smells different now.

Ray, didn't you have bio class with her?
Junior year?

Yeah, we had dissection.
I pinned her frog open.

-Lucky dog.
-Yeah.

What's going on? What are you doing now?

I'm a regional field rep
for Burlington Hosiery.

Socks and sock-related items.

Great. That's cool.

I guess the hardest part of that
is getting your foot in the door.

-I'm going to use that on my screensaver.
-Thank you. Use it.

How about you?
You still got that comic-book store?

No, it burned down.
Now I'm studying to be a rabbi.

It's so frigging hard.

-Can we not talk about work?
-All right. Fine. Don't cry.

Are you guys having fun?

-Yeah, just like old times.
-That's great.

I met a girl from your class,
she said we should go sit at their table.

Yeah? All right.

Debra, why don't you come over?

-Ray, you remember Jessica Bell?
-Yeah, I think.

So this is Ray. Hi.

I didn't recognize you.

He pinned your frog back.

So, Debra, want to join us?
I want you to meet everybody.

Come on. Let's go.
Really nice to meet you guys.

-I'll see you guys later.
-Catch you on the flip-flop.
-Shewong

-The belle of the ball.
-Hey, Pete.

Wait, that's Pete Hastings.

Guys, I want you to meet Debra Barone.

-How's it going?
-Hi.

And this is her husband Ray.
He was in our class.

I thought Ray Barone died in a car wreck
right after graduation.

No.

That was Jay Malone.

Jay Malone, yeah.

Now, he was a great guy.

-Here's to Jay.
-To Jay.

Wish you were here.

Deb, you got to come look at these pictures.

Want to see what my hair looked like
20 years ago?

Like Farrah? I was Dorothy Hamill.

-Where you going?
-I'll be right back.

This is wild.

Ray, you're not Bobby Barone's brother,
are you?

Yeah.

Great basketball player.
What's he doing now?

He's a cop.

Wow! That's great.

I'm a sportswriter.
I got a column in Newsday.

Wait a minute. Ray Barone.
Now I know who you are.

I used to throw you in the girls' room
all the time. You remember that?

Thanks. So, how are you?

-Here we go.
-I love this song.

-Do you remember the freak?
-Yeah, and the hustle and the bump.

The bump.

-Jessica, come on, you ready?
-Let's go.

-Come on, Ray, let's boogie.
-No, weddings only. You know that.

Come on.

Ray, you're not gonna dance?
Would you like to dance?

-Do you mind?
-Sure.

-Great, thanks.
-Go boogie.

Shake, shake, shake

Shake your booty

-All right.
-What?

Enough booty.

That was so much fun.
I just love dancing, you know?

This is just it: disco sucks.

What, you didn't have a good time?
Your friends are great.

Those people aren't my friends.

Who? Pete, Jessica, Chris, Steve,
Wendy, and Jodie?

What's wrong with them?

They used to throw me into the girls' room.

They're very nice now.

-Yeah, to you.
-What?

To you, they're nice.

You're one of them.

-What do you mean, I'm one of them?
-You know....

Popular.

Ray, what's the matter?

Are you mad at me for having a good time?

You could??ve had a good time.
I asked you to dance.

-I don't like dancing.
-Yeah, but I do.

Yeah, I know that.
I know. The whole class of '77 knows that.

Forgive me, but I'm not afraid
to have a little bit of fun.

What a snobby, shallow,
superficial, popular thing to say.

I'm trying to understand this.

You didn't like our table.
Where did you want to sit?

On our couch at home.

And you're wondering
why you weren't one of the popular kids.

Ray, this is why I wanted to go
to your reunion...

'cause you never want to go anywhere.

You know something?
There's something really wrong...

with somebody who has to be popular
at somebody else??s reunion.

You are such a nerd.

I knew it. You think I'm a nerd.

Yeah? You know what you are?
A cheerleader.

Go put in your retainer! God!

I'm going to bed.
Here, Let me translate that for you.

Give me a ??B!??
Give me an ??E!?? Give me a ??D!??

What's that spell?

Hey, no MTV in this house.

What are you.... Give me that.

Here. Popeye. Popeye's great.

Nobody likes Popeye.

Why? 'Cause he's not cool?

Maybe you don't know Popeye.

Don't be so quick to judge.

??Nobody likes Popeye.??

Till Bluto's got you in a headlock.
Then what?

Guy hangs out with Wimpy and....

Never mind.

Monster tattoo.

Just wanted to see what it looked like.
That's not nerdy.

I didn't say a thing.

Listen, I washed your gym stuff.

Your nose plugs went through the dryer.

Dr. Sundram said I have to wear those
to prevent infections in my Eustachian tube.

Yes, Ray. We all know
you have sensitive tubes.

What's the matter?
It's not cool enough for you?

What's a big medical problem with you?
Ruptured booty?

No, I've never ruptured my booty.

One time, I did sprain my groove thang.

-So, how was Last night?
-Oh, yeah, it was great.

A lot of people at the reunion
asked about you.

Yeah?

Remember Jessica Bell?

Little Jessica.

Used to follow me around. Good kid.

-You know, I think she liked you.
-Yeah?

Her friends asked my friends
to ask me to ask her out.

-You went out with Jessica Bell?
-No, she was a freshman.

That would??ve been like me
hanging out with you.

Pete Hastings, too.

Tough guy, right? Yeah, I remember him.

Got wise with me once.
I pushed him in the girls' room.

You know what you do? You hold
the door closed so they can't get out.

-I know.
-Have you heard about it?

So you had fun, right? Come on.
It was a good time?

Don't ask me. Ask her.
She's the dancing queen.

Really? Do the hustle.

Cut it out.

Stop it.

Robert, you've got the moves.

I got the music in me.

He needs an Indian and
a construction worker, and you got an act.

Sorry, Robert.
Ray's a little cranky this morning.

He was up too late
watching everybody else have fun.

I wasn't watching people have fun, all right?
I was keeping an eye on the purses.

Pulling some nerd duty?

Come on now, Robert...

Ray's as cool as any guy
with a stick-on tattoo and nose plugs.

Nose plugs.

Some of us aren't in high school.
We've moved on, okay?

Let me ask you, does a nerdy guy
go on the road with the New York Knicks?

Depends if they need somebody
to watch the purses.

That's very funny. Laugh.

I don't care what you guys think, okay?
I know what I am.

-Raymond, I got something for you to try on.
-What?

I saw these in the catalog,
and I thought they Looked jazzy.

Ray, that's great.
Your mom bought you some short pants.

Very jazzy.

Look, Mom,
I'm not wearing these pants, okay?

Why not? They're very with-it.

Ray, if the shorts fit....

Yeah, you know what?
Maybe the shorts do fit.

What's the matter with you?

You were very happy
when I bought you those pajamas.

Are you okay?

Listen....

Would you.... Maybe....
I don't know. Would you....

Do you wanna go dancing Saturday night?

Dancing? You and me?

Yeah, if you want.

-Well, we can't Saturday, but--
-Okay, fine.

-No, but maybe some other time.
-Yeah. Some other time.

I've heard them all, okay?

How about, ??I can't. I'm washing my hair???

Or, ??I don't think of you that way.??

Or, ??I'm not allowed to date Italians.??
Yeah, I get it, okay?

I get it. I'm a dork.

Ray, I can't go dancing with you Saturday...

because you're going to be out of town
with the Knicks.

How convenient.

And I don't want you
to go dancing with me...

just to prove to yourself
that you're not a dork.

Well, I don't know how else to do it.

This is a mixed marriage.

I was just teasing you.
What are you so sensitive about?

Look, you're one of the cool people...

and I'm not.

Then why did I marry you?

That's right. Good question.

No, I'm asking you.
Why do you think I married you?

I don't know.

Come on.

I'm nice.

Yes. What else?

I have good hair.

Yes.

I have a car.

You have your own car?

It's my father's,
but I can get it whenever I want.

How come I never see you in the cafeteria?

'Cause my mom makes me
come home for Lunch.

Wow! You're a good kisser.

I'm a lot better without the retainer.

-You know what I'm thinking?
-What?

You can't be such a dork
if the cool girl??s about to sleep with you.

-Jessica Bell's coming over?
-Stop it.

Okay. You ready?

I just need a little tune-up, that's all.

Look, just relax, all right?

Okay. Look, can you do this?

Good.

All right. Okay, now how about this one?

There you go. Loosen up. Shake it up.

That's it.

How about this?

Let's work this in, 'cause I got this.

-Where did you learn that?
-Church dance.

Okay, all right, check this out.

I can't do that.