Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 2, Episode 1 - Ray's on TV - full transcript

- Oh, look who's here.

Guys, I got to go, okay?
I'm late.

- Okay.
- I'll see you guys.

- All right, bye.
- Bye.

- Bye, dad.
- Bye.

I'm late.

- Yeah, ray, listen, ally drew
this picture of our family,

And now she wants to put it
up on the fridge.

- Yeah, so?

- Well, look at it.

There's ally and the twins,



And there's you and me,

And, look at your parents.

- Oh, she made them giants.

- Yeah.

- With sharp teeth and claws.

- Yeah, and they're
attacking our house.

- Stop it,
I'm showing him.

- No, this way.
It goes this way.

- She's very perceptive.

- We can't put this
on the fridge.

Your parents
are going to see it.

- Do you like
my picture, daddy?

- Um, yes, I do.
I do, sweetie.

- Honey, how come you made
grandma and grandpa



Look so scary?

- That's not
grandma and grandpa.

Those are
Halloween monsters.

- Oh.
- Okay.

- Grandma and grandpa
aren't monsters.

- Ah, youth.
- Yup.

- Hi, I'm ray, and I live here
in long island

With my wife debra,

My six-year-old daughter,
and twin two-year-old boys.

All: Whee!

My parents...

Live across the street.

That's right.

That's right.

- They're gonna call it, man.
There's no way.

There's no way
they're gonna get it in.

- So none of these
are real massages?

- Well, andy,
why would a real masseuse

Have a black bar
across her eyes?

- You know why?
The black matches her whip.

- So all of this is sex?

- Yes, it's sex.

- Then these prices
are very reasonable.

[phone rings]

- Press box.

Yeah, hold on one second.

Kevin, it's roy firestone.

- Ooh. Roy's calling.

- "ooh. Roy's calling.

"I'm on tv with roy.

Mmm, roy firestone."

- You're not a little jealous,
are you, andy?

- No, I'm not jealous.

So kevin does the play-by-play
for the mets,

And I'm just
his humpbacked stat guy.

Well, you know what?

Without me, he wouldn't
know what to say.

He'd open up his mouth,
and meat would fall out.

- Thanks.
Yep, I'll tell him now.

All right, roy.

Yeah!
You know who that was?

That was
roy freaking firestone.

- Did he ask you
to a sleepover?

- You, my friend,
are gonna be on tv.

- Me?
What are you talking about?

- Harvey johnson's
taking a vacation,

And roy wants you
to fill in with us

On sportscall
with roy firestone.

- Get out of here.

Come on, I don't--

I don't know tv.

I'm a sportswriter.

- Roy specifically asked
for a newspaper guy

Or a chinese person.

- Wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait,
that's a live tv show.

- It's 30 minutes.

Come on, it's the easiest money
you ever made.

- Easier than
the 40 bucks he got

When you couldn't do
seven push-ups?

- It was ten, andy.

I couldn't do ten push-ups.

- It doesn't matter
because you stopped after two.

- So you're in, right?

- I don't know.
I got to--

Come on, I got to
think it over.

- I got to let them know
tonight, ray.

- Roy wants me?

Come on, he knows who I am.

- Everybody knows who you are.

You know sports, you --

You get to the heart,
the poetry, that is sports.

- Oh, I'm having the stomach
that is nauseous.

- You're sure he knows me.

- Yes!
- He's read my stuff?

- He knows it all.
Come on!

- But you think I'll do
all right on there?

- You're gonna do great,
man, come on.

- All right, I'll do it.

- Yeah, that's the man I know.

- Oh, man,
I got to call debra.

- Yeah, look at you.

- Debra's gonna flip, man,
when she hears this.

- Whoo!
Tv big shot.

- Hi.
Oh, hi, michael.

Michael answered the phone.

His first time.
He's never done that.

- Huh, first time.

What is he, 14 now, ray?

- He's two.

Yeah, hi, it's daddy.

No, I know daddy's not home.

I'm daddy.

No, I'm daddy!

Yeah, I--
is mommy--

Hello?

No, don't go get daddy!

He dropped the phone.

Is somebody there?

Somebody there
to pick up the phone?

Debra.
I hear you, debra.

You're walking
right by the phone now.

Look down.

Look down, debra!

I'm in the phone!

You know what my mother did?

She sent flyers out
all over the neighborhood.

My father told everybody
at the elks.

Give me--
give me some tips, man.

Tell me something.

- Just make love
to the camera, ray.

Hey, what do you say, fellas?

- Hey, roy.
- Good to see you.

- Hey, james,
good to see you again.

- Ray, good
to see you again.

- You all ready
for the big show?

- I guess so.

I don't do tv much.

Ever.

First time.

Kind of got
some butterflies going.

- Well, you know,
I don't get the butterflies.

I just throw up
before every live show.

- We're live in 30 seconds.

- Wait, I didn't throw up yet.

How do you sit?

Do you sit--
do you cross your legs much?

- I don't, but I can't.

- Okay, everybody, stand by.

In 5, 4, 3, 2...

- Listen, can I get--
- hello again, everybody.

I'm roy firestone,

And this is sportscall.

Our guest all this week

From the great
laker championship team

Is mr. James worthy,

And as always,

The radio voice
of the new york mets,

Mr. Kevin daniels.

Good to see you, kevin.

- Roy.
James.

How are you, folks?

- And a brand-new face
from newsday,

A fine columnist,
mr. Ray barone.

Good to see you,
ray.

- Howdy.

- Our subject tonight--

Athletes and steroids.

As you might know,

There's an increasing
use of steroids

And, ray, you wrote a very
interesting piece about that.

- Ahem, yes, I did, roy.

- Why don't you tell us
about that, ray?

- Um...

It's a growing problem.

It's a growing problem.

Steroids is--

I'd say it's even--

It's gotten to be
a bit of a...

- Epidemic?

- No, no, no,

It's not an epidemic.
It's out of control.

It's kind of like a...

All: Epidemic.

- Yeah.

What they did was,

They took a group
of olympic athletes,

And they axed them
if using steroids

Would guarantee you
a gold medal

But would also kill you
in five years,

Would you still do it?

64% of them said yes.

- Wow, really?

- That's alarming.

- I really enjoyed the piece.
A terrific piece.

You did a great job.

- Oh, thanks.
Thanks, roy.

You know, when a program
succeeds like that,

A lot of that stuff just gets
swept right under the rug.

- Right.
- Yeah, yeah.

And what's gonna
happen is that

It's later that these kids
are gonna realize that--

Oh, they've made
a horrible mistake, you know?

They don't realize it
at first...

[scratching amplified
by microphone]

But what happens is, you know,
they're sacrificing what once,

You know, was the ideal.

The ideal dream.
The american dream, you know.

[voice obscured by scratching]

But I have to tell you
this one thing...

- Hello.

- Hooray!
- Yay! Yay!

- What are you doing?
Come on.

- All right, come on,
dad, cut it out.

- Great action shot!

- Oh, come on,

Let me be the first one
to hug my big tv star.

Whoo!
- It wasn't that good.

- Hey, frank,
take a picture.

- Come on, come on,
come on.

- They should give you the show.

You're better
than that other guy.

- Kevin?
- No, no, the other one,

The one who was acting
like the boss.

- Roy firestone?

- You were the whole show!

- Come on.

- Now you got television.

Way to go.

- Frankly, I felt a little
awkward there, you know.

- Oh, you'd never know.

- Here's james worthy
listening to you talk.

- You took pictures of me
on the television.

- Sure.

How often is my son on the tube?

- I was on when
we busted john gotti.

- Yes, but you didn't have
any lines, dear.

- So what did you think?
- Oh, you were great.

What did they say at the show?

- Yeah, I think they liked me.
- Yeah?

- Of course they liked you!

- It was like watching
joe garagiola.

- Look, this one is roy smiling

At something I said right there.

- I remember when he did that.

Yeah, I saw that.
That was great.

They like you.

- All right,
all right, come on!

It's a tv show.
That's all it is.

We could blow that one up.

That one could get blown up.

- Ray!

- Hey, I was just
talking to kevin--

Ally drew another
picture of our family,

And she still says
that these monsters

Aren't your parents.

- All right, so maybe...

Maybe they're not.

- Ray, this one is bald,

And this one's carrying
a covered dish.

Someday a therapist
may want to see it.

Listen, I was just
talking to kevin,

And harvey johnson's gonna
be out again tomorrow,

So they want me
to do the show again.

- Oh, I thought it was
just a one-time deal.

- Yeah, well,
things went pretty well there.

Everybody seemed to like it,

So I figured, hey, why not?

- Hey, great, great.

Yeah, that's really great.

- What?

- Nothing.

- Well, I mean,
you're pursing your lips.

What's wrong?

- I'm not pursing.

- Puh-puh-puh!

- What?
No, I just--

Okay, it's just...

Maybe before the next show,
you could...

Just practice a few words

You kind of had
just a little bit of trouble

Saying tonight.

- Like what--
- no, no, no.

Don't get so excited.

It is not a big deal.

- Come on,
I'm gonna be on television.

- Okay, look.

"asterisk."

You were talking
about some record

That had an asterisk
next to it.

- Yeah? Yeah?

- Yeah.
Asterisk.

- Well, come on.
Asterix.

Asterix.

I said asterix
on television!

- It's okay.

No, no, no, no,
it's okay. Just...

Just...Asterisk.

- Asterix.
- Asterisk.

- Asterix.
- Aster--

- Oh, I know!
Stop showing off!

- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
You know what?

Maybe it would be easier if you
just break it into two parts.

Aster, risk.

- Aster, risk.

- Asterisk.

- Asterix.

Ohh.

- You know, ray,
nobody even cares.

Next time that word comes up,
maybe just say...

Little star.

- What else?
What else?

What other words?

- Well, I mean,

You're asking me, right?

- Yeah.

- You're asking me.

- Yeah, what are you doing?

I'm axing you.

Oh.

- Yeah.
"ask."

Sometimes you say...

- Ax.

Ax.

Oh, man.

- No, no, no,
honey, come on.

You just got to practice
those words.

Just practice those words.

- Why?

Why didn't you tell me this?

You should've told me

The first time
I axed you something.

- I never thought you were gonna
be on television.

You know what we could do?

Let's put them all
in a sentence.

Say, um, "I asked you to put
the asterisk with the...

Cinnamon."

- Cinnamum?

Cinnamum.
Cinnamum.

Oh, my god, I'm a monkey.

Did I say cinnamum on the show?

- No, no, no, no.

It's just a good thing to know

For when we're at the ihop.

"I asked you to put the asterisk
with the cinnamon."

- I asked you...
- Good. Good.

- To put the asterisk

With the cinnamum.

Cinnam--

All right, you know what?

No more ihop.

- Ray, it's--

It's just those
couple of words, that's all.

We told you
you were great on the show.

- Yeah, you told me.
You told me.

- No, really, honey,
you were terrific.

- Oh, don't, don't!

I'm sorry I axed.

- Hi.

- Oh, hi, dear.
You hungry?

- No.

- Sit down.
I'll make you a sandwich.

- Oh, ally gave you
one of her paintings?

- Yeah.

Look how big we are

Compared to the rest
of the family.

- Yeah, that's great.

You guys ever notice that I say
certain words funny?

- What do you mean?

Like glockenspiel or tushy?

- Not funny words, dad.

Do I mispronounce words?

I'm just axing.

- No, I think you speak
beautifully, dear.

Why?

What's wrong?

- Debra thought I had trouble
on the show last night

With certain words.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.

It sounds like she's being
a little nitpicky.

- Yeah?

So you really think I was
all right last night?

- Yeah.

- Oh, good. Good,

'cause I'm gonna do it
again tonight.

- They want you back?

- What does that mean?

- Nothing,
it's just that we--

We thought it was over.

- So you did notice
the words.

- Listen, you got
bigger problems

Than your little words there.

- Like what?

- Like scratching
the microphone.

Nobody could hear
what the hell was going on.

- But at least the scratching

Kept him from waving
his hands around

Like he was landing planes.

- The microphone was much worse.
- No, no.

- It seemed like he'd never been
on television before.

- He never has been
on television before,

But he's had his hands
his whole life.

- The microphone was
much more annoying!

Ray, which
is more annoying?

This....

Or this?

[imitates microphone
crackling]

- I did that?

- Yeah.
Now that you mention it,

Your voice was
kind of monotonous.

- I didn't mention that.

- Well, you tended to
drone on and on, dear.

- It was very off-putting.

- My god.

- You see? Like that.

Most people would say,
"my god!"

You got to try
and make your voice

Go up and down more,

High and low.

I would absolutely love

A nice dill pickle.

Pickle, marie.

- Oh, oh.

So let me get this
straight, dad.

Everything you said
after the show last night

Was a lie,
and behind my back,

You've been talking
about how bad I was.

You think I stunk.

You think I stunk!

- Oh, what difference
does it make what we think?

They asked you back.

- But keep in mind
some of the things we told you,

Because I got to see
people during the day.

- Oh, my god.
The supermarket.

You lie to me,
and you do it so well.

How long has this
been going on?

- Three weeks.

- Oh, my god, look at you.

Look at you.
Oh, my god.

You've been lying to me
my whole life, haven't you?

"oh, raymond,
you're such a great writer,

You could've been
writing poetry."

How about in high school, ma?

"oh, don't worry, ray,
the girls,

They don't know
what they're missing."

They knew!

They knew,
and they didn't miss it.

How about this, ma?

Were you lying when you said,

Was the happiest day
of our lives"?

- No, that's true, it was.

Don't eat that now, robert.

- What's going on?

- You know they've been lying
to us our whole lives?

Any time they ever tried to make
us feel good about ourselves.

- When did that happen to me?

- Oh, honey, I'm sure
we lied to you plenty of times.

- You got to get
your own place, man.

- Oh, don't be silly.

We love having you here.

- Oh, my god.

We told you
you were a good writer

So that you would think
you were a good writer, see?

Then somebody gave you a job.

That's what parents do.

They all lie to their kids
for their own good.

- But other parents
aren't lying, ma.

They believe
in their children.

- No, they don't.

- All right, that's it.

That's it, okay?

No more lies, all right?

Don't help me anymore!

- That was good:
High and low.

Use that on the show tonight.

- Oh, my god,

I can't believe I got to
do a show now.

- You'll be wonderful, dear.

- Ma, please, no more lies!

- They say that because the pros
can hit it so far

That they should lengthen
the length of all the courses,

And, uh...

You know, I know
I'm probably droning on here,

But, um...

But what about tradition?

There's always tradition
and history and stuff,

And I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know,

I support the changes
in baseball, but--

Look, let me ax--
ax--

Ask you something here.

Uh...

Shouldn't a sport sometimes
should adopt--adapt--

Adapt and grow,
but aren't there times

That a sport
shouldn't adopt--adapt--

And, uh...

And not grow?

Probably not grow.

- Oh, hi, honey.

That didn't go
very well, did it?

- Not your best moment there,
raymond.

- What are you doing?

- We're being honest.

You said
that's what you wanted.

- I could've eaten
a box of alpha-bits

And crapped
a better interview.

- Well, what did you think?

- Honey, I begged you to say
"little star."

- It was even worse
than last time.

- You made me hate tv.

- Want me to play it back
for you, raymond?

- All right, all right.

All right, come on, I wanted you
to be honest, but...

It couldn't have been
all bad.

Dad, I made my voice
go high and low like you said.

- That didn't work.

- What about my little
steinbrenner joke?

- Wasn't funny.

It's not nice to hurt
other people's feelings.

- Well, what about this?

- This is funny.

- All right, come on.

I mean, it could've been--

There had to be something there.

I was--

I sat there, and...

Come on.

Come on!

- I thought there were
a lot of good things, ray.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Like, those other guys are so

Polished and professional,

And you were really,
like, human.

All: Yeah.

- Yeah, but what about
what I said, though?

I mean, did it make sense?

- Oh, yes.
Yeah.

I got some of it.

- So I mean, it wasn't
a total disaster?

- Ah, no.
- Not what we meant at all.

- Well, how many
total disasters are there?

- Ray, the fact that you could
go on live television

With such little experience--

That really says a lot.

- You were great, dear.

- At least I tried it, right?

I mean, it's better.

It's better to try than to...

Not try.

- Yes!

[all talking at once]

- Okay!

Okay.

Thanks.

- Better than broadway.

- Okay.

All right,
I got some makeup on.

I'm gonna take
the makeup off,

And then I'll come back.

- Okay.
Yeah.

You were so good, I bet they
have you back on again.

I'm sure they will.

- It's all about you,
raymond.

- Robert.

- Whew.

I don't think
that was a total disaster.

[chuckles]

- Well, how many total disasters
are there?