Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 1, Episode 8 - In-Laws - full transcript

Take a look at your daughter.

Yeah, so? She looks happy.

She's happy. That's very happy.

What, should we call a doctor, Ray?

I'm just saying,
look how good it is to be five.

You're truly happy at five.
Your happiness peaks at five.

- Come on. I'm happy.
- You're not that happy.

You can't be. Look at her.
Ally, what are you thinking of?

Candy.

Candy!

You're that happy? When was the last time
you daydreamed about candy?



You can't do that as an adult.
Try, you don't get far.

Candy. Cavities.

No money. Who am I? Why am I here?

What am I doing? Am I gay?

See? Candy doesn't work.

Try this candy.

Happy now?

Candy.

Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island
with my wife Debra.

She's great with the kids,
the house, everything.

I don't know how she does it.

We've got a daughter Ally...

and twin two-year-old boys.

It's not really about the kids.



My parents live across the street.

That's right.

And my brother lives with them.

Now, not every family
would go by on a conveyor belt for you...

but mine would because...

Everybody loves Raymond.

Yeah.

Will you stop?
You're driving me nuts, Frank.

I said stop!

This is who you are now?

Tearing out coupons
like you're in a home for old ladies?

I find it relaxing.

- Fish sticks?
- Yes.

You don't eat fish sticks.

I once made them for you and you said
that's not the way God wanted fish.

You never made them.

- I did, too.
- Not for me.

- When did you make fish sticks?
- When they first came out.

- Hi.
- Hello, Ray.

- You hungry?
- No, I just ate.

No. Don't lie to me. Sit down.

What are you guys doing Saturday?

Here, Jell-O for the kids. Save 30 cents.

Thanks, Dad. Now I can buy that boat.

What's Saturday, dear?

Debra's parents.

Not Howie and Eva.

Warren and Lois, Dad.
You're not even close.

Why don't you see if they got a coupon
in there for shock treatments?

No, we're busy Saturday.

Come on, Ma, they don't come that often.

No, they're too busy
gallivanting around the world.

Where did they go
for Christmas last year? Morocco?

- So what?
- What are they trying to prove?

They're so pretentious.

I always have to hear about
how beautiful it is in Connecticut.

Look, you have to see your in-laws.
They're gonna be across the street.

- What, are you gonna hide?
- I've got a chair now up in the attic.

Come on, you know
how Debra is with this family thing.

I know, it's insane.

Please, look, I promise it'll all be over
before Warren can say:

"I bought another sculpture."

He's such an ass.

What about Lois: "I prefer dark chocolate."

Good, so you'll come. You can find
new things to make fun of them.

It's for Debra, really.

Couldn't you tell Debra, once and for all,
it's enough with her parents?

- What are you talking about?
- Don't you feel the same way about them?

No, Ma. I like them.

- Come on.
- What?

Come on. You hate their guts.

Enough already, okay?

All right, look,
so they're a little sophisticated.

He admits it, we're better.

You know they're not my favorite people.
But you've got to be nice Saturday.

It's for Debra and for me, indirectly.

I will be my usual charming self.

I'll even bring a present.

Here, 30 cents off, Dijon Mustard.

A Poupon coupon.

Yes.

Good to see you two getting along.

Who taught you how to dust?

Self-taught.

Listen, I'll do that. You go and straighten
all that stuff up there. Okay?

What the hell is this?

Careful.

- What is it?
- I just bought it at a gallery today.

- It's Peruvian. Isn't it great?
- Yeah.

Where does the pepper come out?

They're here. Hurry up.

Are those the pants you're wearing?

No.

Ray, don't! Put it back.

Hello, sweetie pie.

- Hello, Ray.
- Hello.

I was just...

dusting.

Crazy as ever.

There's no off switch here, Warren.

Hello, darling. Where are the kids?

Jail.

It's naptime.

Honey, this is beautiful.

- I love Peruvian art.
- It's Incan.

- Machu Picchu.
- Gesundheit.

He always says that.

And it's funny every time.

- It's us.
- Hello, in-laws.

Hello, darling.

Hello, sweetie.

- This is for you.
- You shouldn't have.

It's a box of the finest milk chocolate.

Thank you, Marie.
I still haven't quite finished the last box.

Warren, how've you been?

Where are you going
on your next vacation, Maui?

A little further, actually.

- We're going to Vietnam.
- What?

Vietnam? What, do you owe Charlie
some payback?

I've been reading that Vietnam
is a fascinating place to go now.

I would love to see it.

Or we could just rent Apocalypse Now.

So, Marie.

What's new with you?
Have you seen any new shows in town?

I saw The Three Tenors last week on TV.
I think PBS is wonderful.

Until they start asking for money.

We just saw some very funky
experimental stuff...

at the Performing Garage.

- And we saw Stomp.
- I love Stomp.

Who's Stomp?

It's sort of like a rhythmic dance.

These guys, sort of bang together
anything they can find...

trash cans, hub caps, brooms.

And you loved it?

Loved it. We're going back.

- How much do they charge for this?
- $40.

For $20, I'll bang on my garbage cans
till your ears bleed.

Look at this.

That's $12.

- Can I see you in the kitchen, right now?
- Okay.

Here I come.

Another $15.

What are you guys doing?

Nothing. We're stomping.

- You're making fun of my parents.
- No.

All right, we're making a little fun of them.

Vietnam.

It comes from love.

I know you're not crazy about them,
but can't you at least pretend?

I am pretending. No, I mean...

I love your parents. In fact,
you're robbing me of my time with them.

Where the hell have you been?

- Everything okay?
- Yeah, couldn't be better.

We were just saying it's a shame
we don't spend more time together.

We were just thinking the same thing.

So, why don't we all
have dinner together tomorrow night?

We have a reservation at Le Bernardus.
We'll just expand it. We'll all go.

That's a four-star restaurant.

No, thank you. We don't go
to those kinds of places because...

- it's just too much.
- I don't like to get dressed.

Don't be silly.

In fact, Ray, bring your brother.

Oh, boy.

Doesn't this sound like fun?
Come on, you guys, our treat.

It would mean so much to us.

But we're just so very busy.

We're not too busy for our in-laws.

Yes, Le Bernardus.
The whole family. Together.

Great.

It's gonna be so thrilling.

It'll be more fun than Vietnam.

Bonsoir, welcome to Le Bernardus.

Holy crap!

We're with the Whalen party.

Yes, your hosts have arrived already.
I'll be glad to take you to your table.

- Am I going to have to tip this guy?
- We'll seat ourselves. Thank you.

Come on, let's go.

What's with your parents?
It's like the first time they've worn shoes.

What? What is it?

Isn't this one of those joints
with those dressed-up waiters?

Yeah. What's wrong with
dressed-up waiters?

They give me the willies.

They just put me on the spot, you know?
It's like authority figures.

Authority figures? You're a police sergeant.
You out-rank the waiter.

But how is he going to know?

Come on. It'll be all right.

Officer Robert.

- How are you?
- Fine.

- Hello, Robert.
- How are you?

How's police work treating you?

One day you're rescuing a puppy,
the next day fishing a skull out of a toilet.

Good evening.

Hello, I'm Gerard. Here are your menus.

Excuse me, but there's so much
silverware on the table.

What's all this silverware for?

- For you to eat with.
- No, that's too much.

This is wasteful. I've got five forks.
Take three back.

And all these plates means extra washing.
Give me your plates.

Me, too. I don't need all these glasses.
How many mouths do you think I got?

I have too many parents.
Could you take one of them, please?

I'll be back shortly with tonight's specials.

What kind of food do they serve here?

- I believe it's French.
- Ever been to France?

No, we're not world travelers.

France is so lovely. You have to go.

I don't appreciate the French...

as a people.

I find them annoying.

Truly.

You're an interesting man.

- Remember that time in Provence?
- This is funny.

We were in Provence...

and I asked our waiter, "What are all these
little herbs sprinkled on everything?"

And the waiter says, "Herbes de Provence."

- Fresh bread.
- Here we go.

Look at all that bread.

I'm so glad we came here.

- You got any rye bread?
- No, sir, I'm sorry. We do not.

I like rye bread.

They don't have any, Dad.

I'll have a baguette over here.

You got all these kinds of bread.
You don't have rye bread. It's very common.

What do you do
when Jewish people come in here?

Would you like to speak
with the manager, sir?

Is he Jewish?

Dad, just take a roll, okay?

Sorry, man.

Don't apologize.
The customer is always right.

- Am I right?
- I would never argue with you, Frank.

I don't get these places.

Perhaps you'd like to hear
tonight's specials.

- Please.
- In addition to the menu...

the chef has prepared a crab
in a puff pastry.

It's a Dungeness crab
in a light butter and garlic sauce.

How much is that?

- It's $32.
- Oh, geezaloo!

Now, Frank, you're not allowed
to look at the prices tonight.

Warren, wake up, will you?

This guy's got both his hands
in your pocket.

Could we have a minute here, please?

- Certainly.
- Thank you.

Thanks. This guy's really working me.

Frank, I assure you, it's okay.
We've been here before.

So you don't even know
when you're being taken?

Dad, nobody's being taken, all right?
Calm down.

Just try to enjoy yourself.

Frank has an eye for value.

You're really comfortable
in a place like this?

It seems so unnecessary.

Of course, it's not necessary, Marie.
It's a luxury.

But sometimes a little luxury is necessary.

What does that mean?

See, Marie...

every once in a while,
my family just likes to try and enjoy life.

I guess we just don't understand.

Well, not everyone
can understand everything.

What's that supposed to mean?

- It's all right, Dad, it's okay.
- You're taking their side now?

Is anyone else hot and cold?

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Of course it's not a good idea.
It's a bad idea.

It's a very bad idea.
What, am I the only one who can see this?

What're you doing?

These people shouldn't be at the
same table together.

They shouldn't be in the same state.

My parents like to stay home and watch TV,
and your parents honeymoon in Cambodia.

Excuse me, Sri Lanka.

- Who cares?
- Ray!

I mean, I care.

I know you care
because that's the kind of people you are.

You like to make jokes
about herbs that nobody gets...

and you go to France, and you go to Stomp!

And you go to some basement in a village...

to watch a transvestite
carve a yam into a monkey.

Why, Ray...

I had no idea you felt that way about us.

I don't! I don't feel that way.

I don't, I'm just...

I'm making conversation.

Don't you have to go to your house?

I can't. I took your side.

I may have to wait until the Red Cross
tells me it's safe to go back.

Boy, they were pretty mad!

- You know what? Who could blame them?
- What?

I was mortified,
the way you behaved tonight.

- Me?
- You blew the whole evening.

- Where did you learn your manners?
- What are you talking about?

Great dinner, Raymond.

I think I'll go to my room
and chew on some jerky.

Marie, cook something, will you?

Thanks to your son,
we didn't even get to eat.

I got some frozen ziti
and some leftover turkey.

Not exactly four-star, is it?

You embarrassed us.

Wait a minute. I don't get you guys.
You didn't want to go.

You complained the whole time.
What are you mad at me for?

- You were rude.
- I was rude?

Yes. We didn't raise you like that.

- You don't insult your host.
- Not to their face.

Where's your discretion?

What are you talking about?

I only said what I said because of you two.

- What did we do?
- What did you do?

It was like the night the hillbillies landed.

All I did was try to save
the man some money.

You were the one going on
about yams and transvestites, dear.

I'll tell you something else.

There were things on that menu
I could've gone for right now.

I thought you knew more about
what being a family meant.

What would happen to the world...

if everybody told their families
what they actually thought?

Maybe you should think before you speak.

I'm a man without a country.

You're up?

I couldn't believe you tonight, Ray,
you were so rude.

Good, it's unanimous.

Let me ask you something, Ray.

Do you know how many things
I can find wrong with your parents?

That's like asking how many rocks are there.

How would you like it if I went there
and told your parents...

- all the things I didn't like about them?
- Great.

I'll get the video camera.

Narrow-minded, intrusive,
completely insensitive...

oblivious, and cheap.

Okay, now let's do my mother.

- I'm serious, Ray.
- I know.

Except I would never say anything...

because the closeness of this family
is very important to me.

Yeah, evenings like this.

- Look, I'm very sorry, really.
- You're sorry?

- What are you sorry for?
- I'm sorry...

we have parents.

- Come on, Ray.
- I'm sorry.

I didn't want to insult them.
I was embarrassed and I snapped.

I didn't want to insult your parents.
I'm sorry I ruined the evening.

What else?

There's a "what else?"

You're going to call my parents
tomorrow and apologize...

Yes, of course, I look forward to it.

I'd call them right now, but they're probably
at a midnight show of Mummenschanz.

Come on, please, just forgive me...

I'll throw in a dinner for two
at Le Bernardus.

Does it have to be with you?

Yes. You're stuck with me.

- Okay?
- Okay. Jerk.

You know what really worried me tonight?
You started to remind me of your parents.

There's no need to name-call.

The other thing that bothered me is,
I think I'm a little bit like mine.

- Yeah, but, see, there's a difference.
- What?

I don't mind you.

Guess I don't mind you, either.

- Our wedding vows.
- I know.

So we just made up.

I think it might be time for make-up sex.

Does it have to be with you?