Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 1, Episode 7 - Your Place or Mine? - full transcript

According to this,
we can afford a car phone.

- No. No car phone.
- Why? Why do you fight technology?

- I'm against technology?
- Yeah.

Who introduced you to the Wonderbra?

A man that radical
should welcome a simple car phone.

Why? So you can just talk to your friends
wherever you go?

Just sweat it out. Soon the phone will be
a little chip you can implant in your head.

Good. I can't wait.

Yeah, you would love that.
"I got a call coming. Hi, Linda.

"How are you?
My other line. I gotta put you on hold.

"Hi, Julie.



"Linda's right here.
I'll put you on conference.

"Don't go anywhere.

"How are you guys?

"Whoa, hold on guys. I'm getting a fax."

Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island
with my wife Debra.

She's great with the kids,
the house, everything.

I don't know how she does it.

We've got a daughter Ally...

and twin two-year-old boys.

It's not really about the kids.

My parents live across the street.

That's right.

And my brother lives with them.

Now, not every family
would go by on a conveyor belt for you...



but mine would because...

Everybody loves Raymond.

Yeah.

All three kids asleep.

You thought I couldn't get Ally
to take a nap.

- Good job, honey.
- Yeah.

By the way,
tomorrow we have to buy a pony.

Would you look at this great big stain here.

That carpet guy swore up and down
that he could get it out.

I don't want to hear about stains.

The kids are asleep, the house is quiet.
Now it's quality time.

Just me and you.

You better be looking at jewelry ads.

Your father has finally done it.

What's that, buckle his pants?

I wish.

That man has been sitting
in front of the TV every day for 45 years.

"Get me this. Get me that.
You're clipping them too short."

That ingrate can't stop hounding me
for five minutes.

That's interesting.

Yeah. We've seen the stain.

You know, Debra, for something like a spill,
I find it best to wipe it the day it happens.

- Marie, where's my sandwich?
- Where?

Exactly where you threw it. In the garbage.

Where it belonged. Because it was no good.

I said I wanted a tuna salad sandwich.

- And like a jerk, I made it for you.
- Hey, the kids.

No, you didn't. That was not tuna salad.
It had no celery in it.

So once I forgot the celery. So what?

So what?

So it's not tuna salad. It had no bite.
It had no crunch.

- Poor you.
- Yeah, poor me.

Raymond, what is it that makes
tuna salad, tuna salad?

- Come on.
- It's the celery.

It's the celery
that makes tuna salad, tuna salad.

What you gave me was tuna slop.

I put in mayo, I put in dill, I put in pepper.

I mashed it, I mixed it, I spread it.

And you have the nerve to say slop to me.

Yes. Slop to you.

He was on the debate team.

Now the kids are up. I'll go.

- I'd like to get...
- No.

Can I get them?

This is a nuthouse.
I'll come back when it's calmer.

- Let's go, Marie.
- I'm not coming.

But I'm still hungry.

I'm still not coming.
Chop your own damn celery.

Fine. Who needs you? I'll do it myself!

Where are the knives?

Never mind. I'll use my razor.

Thank God they're gone.

- They?
- They, the twins gone...

Back to sleeping, yeah.

- Did you want me to go?
- No, of course not, Marie.

Good, because I'm not going back
to that house.

- Right. Until you cool off.
- No, I've had it.

I'm staying here.

Right, till dinnertime.

I don't want dinner.

Maybe I'll be hungry in the morning.

She doesn't eat much.

What do you think she's doing up there?

You hear that?

No, I don't hear anything.

That's the sound
of all our clothes being refolded.

Boy, she doesn't stop.
How did you survive growing up with her?

I spent a lot of time pretending to be asleep.

I think she's coming.

You know, dear...

your clothes are a disaster.

You know, those wire hangers
crease everything.

Sorry.

Oh, look, he's up.

Where's your iron?

No, Marie.
You don't have to iron our clothes.

You never know
when relatives are gonna come barging in.

That's true.

Maybe there's a big occasion
and the house is filled with relatives.

Like what occasion, Ma?

I don't know.
Birth, graduation, Christmas, death.

All my favorites.

I'm serious.

God forbid if someone should die.

If you were to die, Debra,
everyone would be here.

And imagine them up in that messy closet
trying to choose something for you to wear.

And then afterwards,
they'll want to take clothes.

You drawers should be very neat, so they
can look through it and see what they like.

So how will she die?

The thing is, you want to be remembered
as a beautiful, clean person.

Anything she cooks for me,
you're tasting first.

Don't worry, she'll be gone soon.

My father can't last alone much longer.

Why don't you go in there
and give her a little nudge?

Is it really our business?

She's in there chiseling my headstone.

I just can't tell her to leave.
You know what she'll do?

She'll give me the look.

- The look?
- Yeah.

It's either that, or walk across the street
and see your dad.

I'll try Mom.

Isn't this funny?
I can't find one without spots.

- Look, Ma, I gotta tell you something.
- Yes, dear?

I'm going for a walk.

- Dad, can I come in?
- You may enter.

- What, is your TV broken?
- Of course not.

Look, see, I taped down the scan button.

Now when I'm flipping channels,
I don't have to move.

That's good.

Why don't you tape your eyelids up,
and then you'll never miss anything.

That's silly.

- Listen, we gotta talk.
- All right, sit down.

First, I want you to try something.

I was someplace today
I haven't been in 30 years.

- Guess where I went?
- The barber.

Close. I went to the supermarket.

Yeah. I want you to taste
this great new thing they have now.

It's called salsa.

I've had salsa, Dad.

- No kidding?
- Yeah.

I bet you never put it on a chip.

Yeah, even on a chip. I know. It's good.

Good? It's genius.

And the woman in the supermarket
was giving it away. No charge.

That's called a sample, Dad.

I must have had 50 of them.

No, this woman, she was great.

She had on a big sombrero,
she was sitting on a plastic burro.

I'll take you to see her.

- Listen, Dad. About Mom, you can't...
- Forget Mom. Look at me.

This is the real me.

I can do what I want, when I want...

and how I want it.

I am a free man!

Can you imagine what that feels like?

It's better if I don't.

Look, like tonight,
no more women's entertainment.

No Emma. No Sense and Sensibility.

No Howard's End.

I got the complete works
of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Except the one where he gets pregnant.

- Dad, come on, listen to me.
- What?

You can't just stay...

What can I say? Look at you.

Yeah, you're having a good time.

All right. Good for you, Dad.

You want to join me later?

I might have to.

It's the perfect evening.
Terminator II and salsa.

You'll be back.

What are you doing here without Frank?
Where's Frank?

Right now, he's probably taping the
toilet handle down, so he never has to flush.

Isn't he coming to get her?

I was thinking, my mother should probably
spend a little more time here.

What happened?

- Didn't you talk to him?
- I tried.

I think I pushed a little too hard.

'Cause I let him have it
and then he threw me out.

You're lying.

All right, how do you always know?

How do you know?
What, does my nose get longer?

I don't think that's possible.

Look, I couldn't say anything. He's happy.

I've never seen him like this.

It's like he's been paroled
from the marriage prison.

The one some guys think they're in.

If you can't tell your father,
then I'm telling your mother...

she's gotta go home right now
'cause I can't take this anymore.

The look.

- Marie.
- Yeah?

- Marie, can I tell you something?
- Anything, dear.

I'm going for a walk.

- It's not so easy...
- Don't!

- You thought you...
- No, no.

Don't.

Debra, you've been gone a half hour.

I'm all alone here.

What are you doing over there?

I'll be home later, Ray.
I'm gonna stay for dinner. Yeah.

- More salsa?
- Gracias, se? Or.

Yes, we are actually having a nice time.
I could use a break from your mother, too.

Bye-bye.

- Are you ready for the surprise?
- I'm starved.

Okay.

Here it is.

A dinner of eggs.

But not just any eggs.
Eggs with salsa on them.

They're called huevos rancheros.

This dish is gonna sweep the nation.

Yes, sir.

Fill your face. I made mucho.

Thank you.
That's really sweet of you, Frank.

I can be sweet.

It takes people time to discover that.

- I'm sorry. Did I spray you a little?
- That's okay.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Hi, Robert.

Where's Mom?

Mom who?

What's Debra doing here?

Your mom went to be with Ray
and I came over to be with Frank for a while.

Where do I go?

Wherever you want.

Live your life.

That's Mom's chair.

All three kids asleep? How'd you do that?

What is it, hard? I cuddled them...

I read a story, I sang.

You forget I'm a mother?

How could I?

- Listen, about Dad.
- No, I'm not talking to him...

until he apologizes.

Yeah, but don't you think
you should at least...

What's the steak for?

My son.

You left the fat on?

Debra always cuts the fat off.

On steak pizzaiola?

What, do I look insane?

Steak pizzaiola, the real steak pizzaiola
with the cheese on the top?

Of course. A thick layer. Why?

- Debra doesn't use cheese?
- No.

She cooks for health.

What could be healthier for you
than the food you love?

- Thank you, Doctor.
- Look at this.

I made a pecan pie.

Go take a nap. I'll call you when it's ready.

You want some milk to tide you over?

- Okay.
- Sit down.

I got skim and whole in here.

I'll take whole.

You want some chocolate in it?

Okay.

I'll have some, too.

I found you.

Sit down. We're having chocolate milk.
You want some?

Okay.

Good boys.

I love taking good care of my boys.

I like a lot of chocolate.

Brilliant, huh?

When does it stop?

When it gets to something good.

Do we have to flip the channels so much?
I'm getting a migraine.

You get used to it. Look at me.

It's off now, Frank.

All right, let's take a break.

I could use another shot of ice cream.

Marie usually warms up the fudge a little.

Then maybe you should ask Marie to do it.

She's not here.

And why do think that is?

- She's...
- What, Frank?

- She's...
- What?

...a woman.

If you don't mind, could I tell you
a couple of things about women?

Oh, brother.

A woman wants to be nurturing,
she wants to be giving...

but if there is no acknowledgement,
no reciprocation...

it can lead to hurt feelings,
and even resentment.

Okay. Don't warm the fudge.

All right, I'm gonna make this simple.
I'm leaving now.

You're gonna be on your own.

Just remember, Frank,
the supermarket can be a very lonely place.

There isn't always gonna be some lady
on a plastic donkey to make you feel better.

You don't even realize
how much you need Marie.

Because I don't.

Don't you see?
You've got the perfect marriage.

You need fudge
and she needs to warm it up for you.

If that's true,
why doesn't she just come back over here?

Maybe she's tired, Frank.

I've only been here for three hours
and I need a nap.

I got the couch.

Frank, I am begging you.

Go over and apologize to her.
She just wants to be appreciated.

No woman wants to be the mommy
all the time.

Who wants more cereal?

Hey, a prize.

Lucky me.

Why lucky you?

Who said it's yours?

It was in my bowl.

Actually, it's my bowl.

'Cause it's my house.

So lucky me.

- Hey, come on.
- You got it the last time.

That was 30 years ago.

Relax, I may not even want it.

You can have it if I don't want it.

"A submarine powered by baking soda."

Want it.

- No way.
- I don't think I ever got that one.

- You got everything.
- Did not.

- Give it.
- Get out of here. You can't make me.

- Can, too.
- Come on. I taught you boys to share.

You're home.

Just do what I do, Robert.
Tell him you're tired. He'll climb off.

Are you happy?

Smashed.

Why can't you boys play nice?

- He started it.
- Did not.

- Did, too.
- Did not.

- Listen, Ma.
- Did not.

- You have to go home now.
- Me? What have I done?

Look at me.

I'm a grown man, Ma, okay?
I have kids of my own.

Look, if you want to baby somebody,
go baby Dad.

- He needs you, Marie.
- He needs me?

Not until he crawls over here
and apologizes on his hands and knees...

am I going back to that tuna hell.

Don't you see, Ma?

It's where you belong.

Marie, I'm going to the store.

You want to walk along?

You apologized.

I'm not apologizing. I just ran out of salsa.

Salsa? When did we ever use salsa?

A lot's changed since you've been gone.

You want to tell me what happened, Ray?

I would, but I'm a little dizzy.

So how'd you get my father to come over?

I just explained to him
what women need, and he understood.

No, really.

I don't know. For whatever reason
that relationship works...

I don't think we should examine it
too closely.

If only that was possible.

Ray, I can't believe you and Robert
wrestling like that.

- What got into you two?
- I know.

I know it was stupid.

Actually, it seemed kind of fun.

Too slow.

There she is.

Lucky me.

Why lucky you?

Hey, come on.