Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 1, Episode 5 - Look Don't Touch - full transcript

Ray, wake up.

-Wake up.
-There's pudding everywhere!

I think I hear something.

Does it sound like you talking?

Come on, I'm serious.

All right.

How come I'm the noise checker-outer?

Because it would look pathetic on the news
if I were beaten up while you were sleeping.

-Careful, honey, it could be dangerous.
-Yeah.

And Ray...

if it's nothing dangerous,
could you get me a yogurt?



-Okay.
-In fact...

get me a yogurt either way.

Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island
with my wife Debra.

She's great with the kids,
the house, everything.

I don't know how she does it.

We've got a daughter Ally...

and twin two-year-old boys.

It's not really about the kids.

My parents live across the street.

That's right.

And my brother lives with them.

Now, not every family
would go by on a conveyor belt for you...

but mine would because--

Everybody loves Raymond.



Yeah.

-Hey, Nemo.
-Hey there.

Steinbrenner sucks.

Thanks for the scoop.

Come here, I thought we'd eat
at the booth today.

Why? You breaking up with me?

-Just shut up and sit over there.
-What?

Come on, trust me.

You won't be disappointed.

-And we have liftoff!
-Hi.

Something to drink first?

Beer.

-It's a little early.
-I like it with pizza.

But I don't know.

What do you think I should have?
Because I'll change it.

I drink eight glasses of water a day.

I'll have water. A pitcher of water.

-And you?
-Okay, water.

I'll just start with a glass, though.

And then what,
we're going to have the usual?

I just started on Saturday.
Nobody has the usual yet.

It's four slices, everything on it.

That should be an occasional.

How about that?

That's Nemo's niece, Angelina.

I think she was standing a little close.

Man, look at her.
If I wasn't married, you know what I'd do?

You'd wear the same underwear every day.

Come on. You don't think she's hot?

Yeah, she's all right.
Relax, you're gonna pull a muscle.

She's all right?

She's built like the lady from the mud flaps.

-Mud flaps?
-You know, the lady you see on the trucks.

-You know, like this.
-Don't you do it.

Your order will be up in just one minute.

Did you smell her?

No, I read the sign, Bernie.
"Thank you for not smelling the help."

-Here you go.
-Thank you.

Thanks, Angelina. Thank you. Thanks.
Ask for Parmesan.

-No.
-Go ahead.

I don't want Parmesan.

-Angelina?
-Yeah?

Ray here would like just a smidgen
of grated Parmesan, please.

Wait, a "smidgen"?
You can't control yourself, can you?

I cannot.

Say when.

When.

Give me your water.

Hello?

Yes, he is. May I ask who's calling?

Okay, just a minute. Angelina.

Don't know anyone by that name.

Does he know what this is regarding?

Okay, yeah. Thanks for calling. Bye-bye.

-She's got your wallet.
-What? My wallet?

-Yeah. It's at Nemo's.
-I didn't go to Nemo's.

Well, your wallet made it there somehow.
Do you have your wallet?

She said she just waited on you.

Nemo's, yeah.

Might have been a waitress over there.
Even though we usually go to the counter.

But today Nemo forced us into this table,
where the waitresses go.

So we had to have a waitress.
Not "have" a waitress.

We had waitress service.

So how pretty is she?

-I didn't say she was pretty.
-You didn't have to.

You're being so defensive about it.

My gosh,
you'd think something was going on.

No, no.

You're a freak.

What did I do?

Come on, can't you be honest?

Look, if you saw someone pretty today,
you could tell me.

-I saw nothing.
-Wow, she must be beautiful.

Look, she's Nemo's niece.
How beautiful can she be?

You've seen Nemo.

All right, some men
might find her attractive.

Nothing like you, though.

Which means that you are
the more attractive one.

I have the right to an attorney.

Okay, so she's beautiful.
That's all I wanted to know.

-No big deal.
-Good. So it's over, done.

-All right, what's for dinner?
-Lasagna.

Would you sleep with her
if we weren't married?

What? No!

Let's just pretend I didn't exist.

I don't like this ride. It's scary.

What are you afraid of?

Look, if you didn't exist...

I'd never meet another woman
because I'd be a sailor.

I'd just sail around the world by myself...

married to the salt and the sea.

Man, okay, just forget it.

-I was just kidding.
-All right.

Okay, so you're a sailor.

You pull into the port of Queens
to take on supplies...

and you go ashore to Nemo's.

You're lonely from this long journey...

and you come upon this lovely pizza wench.

Would you sleep with her?

You don't exist?

It's like It's A Wonderful Life.
There's no Debra.

Well, then it's not a wonderful life, is it?

How many months have I been at sea?

Seven.

And there's no wind, there's nothing,
I'm just stuck there for a long time?

No me, no wind, stuck on shore.

Well, yeah.

Sure, yeah.

I guess so.

Break out the Funky Cold Medina.

I'll take that as a yes.

-Okay?
-Yeah, sure. Fine.

Okay, good.

So what kind of sauce? Meat sauce, or....

Or should I just eat out of a bowl
on the porch?

You didn't exist!

-You sure you aren't hungry?
-No.

Ray, does this smell funny to you?

Yeah.

Okay, no charge.

Look, I'm here to get my wallet, that's it.

I'm just getting my wallet.
You're my witness.

-You hungry yet?
-No.

Then just come sit with me. Come on.

What are you looking so guilty about?

That's my natural look.

Look, lighten up.
You didn't do anything wrong.

Let me tell you something.
This has been bothering me.

I did not need that much Parmesan cheese.

-Hi, I'm glad you're here.
-You are?

Here you go.

You've got cute kids there.

-I'll be right back.
-Man, you are golden.

You know who she smells like?

Do you remember Carla D'Amico
from high school?

Yeah, Carla D'Amico.

She smelled like vanilla...

and apple...

and strawberry.

You know what she was like?
The syrup caddy at the House of Pancakes.

Let's go there later.

-Hello, ladies.
-Hey.

-Dad, what are you doing here?
-Let me in.

Why are you here?

I came to see the new waitress.

Oh, God, Dad!

Relax, I'm having lunch.

Hi, will you be joining them?

Holy crap!

-Yes, I will, thank you.
-Okay.

-What can I get for you?
-I'll have a meatball sandwich, dear.

-And to drink?
-A non-alcoholic beer, s'il vous plait.

I think she's got a little crush
on your boy here.

You better watch it.
What's the matter with you?

-Does Debra know?
-What? There's nothing to know.

Ray left his wallet here yesterday.

Angelina found it.
She called the house looking for Ray.

You denied noticing her, right?

I tried, but Debra can tell when I'm lying.
And we had to discuss it.

You don't know
what you're messing with here, do you?

You could get hit by the thunderbolt.

-What's that?
-The thunderbolt.

You see somebody, and then....

Before you know it, you're in big trouble.

-It's in your blood.
-All right.

I can't go into detail.

Here you go. Large meatball.

That's what we call him at home.

-How about you, do you need anything?
-No.

You see?

-You better watch it.
-I didn't....

Until you learn to keep a poker face,
you don't come in here anymore.

You're off Nemo's. Just forget about it.

No more pizza, you understand?

-Sweetheart?
-Yeah?

Could I have a little Parmesan
over here, please?

Hello, dear.

-Hi, how are you?
-Good.

-Where are the children?
-I got them plugged in.

Barney's in charge for the next half hour.

Well, enjoy your break.
You deserve it, honey.

I remember, before television,
we actually had to be with the kids.

How are you doing?

I'm fine. Why?

Have you been getting enough rest?
Because you look a little tired.

Well, occupational hazard.

Oh, boy. Honey, I know. I've been there.

Have you ever wondered why
Frank and I have such a good relationship?

No.

You know, it's because
I know the importance...

of keeping up my appearance.

Here's something I use
for those little wrinkles around the eyes.

Marie, this is hemorrhoid cream.

It stings a little, but it really works, see?

You might want to try it.

So how are things between you and Ray?

I'm not sure we need this.

Well, you know me, Debra...

I'm the last person
who'd want to cause any trouble.

But I've heard some things.

Things?

All Ray did was leave his wallet at Nemo's.

I said too much. Maybe I should go.

I was never here.

I'm not worried about Ray.

I trust Ray, too.
I don't trust that pizza parlor puttana.

-Hey.
-Marie, we're starving over there.

Okay. Good luck, honey.

I don't need good luck.
There's nothing going on, you know?

-What's she talking about?
-Nothing.

We were just having a discussion.

You're killing me with your yapping.

It's not for you, dear. It's for Debra.

Sorry.

I appreciate the concern and the gift...

but I really think this is between Ray and l.

Is this about Raymond and the tramp?

-Hey, everybody.
-Hey, Ray.

I'm starving.

What's that I smell there, meatloaf?

Yeah, but...

that's for tomorrow.

I was thinking
we could go to Nemo's tonight.

What did you do?

Nothing. We were just having a discussion.

Oh, no.

But it's over now, because you're
going out to dinner. Come on, let's go.

What a tangled web we weave.

You sure this is a good idea, honey?

Pizza could be fattening.

Not that you have to worry,
not with your great figure.

I can't wait to get you home.

Hey, Suzy, we're ready to order right now.

You brought the kids tonight. I'm on break.

-Wait.
-Angelina, table four.

-Hi, Ray.
-Hi, waitress.

Look, kids, fire.

Hi, I think we spoke on the phone earlier.
I'm Angelina.

-Hi.
-Hi.

I'm sorry, that was rude of me.
This is Debra, the little lady.

I don't mean "little" in a size way,
or "little" that she doesn't matter.

She's my great big lady.

Nice to meet you.

You want your usual?

Like I have a usual.

Go ahead, Ray. Just get your usual.

Bernie's usual.

I'm gonna go with...

Italian food.

And what about you, my bride?

We're gonna have a large cheese pizza.
I need three milks for the kids.

I'll have a root beer,
and he needs something to drink right away.

-And I'll have a salad. Thanks.
-Okay, coming right up.

Thanks.

She is pretty.

I can see why
you made such a big deal about her.

Me? I didn't make a big deal about her.
You did.

-I made--
-Yeah.

You're the one who put me in the ocean
and killed yourself.

Then you kept me out there
for seven months, a lonely sailor.

You made me do it.
You made me sleep with her.

Hello.

Daddy's sweating.

Would you mind?

Help her. What's the matter with you?

There.

I forgot. You like Parmesan.

No Parmesan.

Unless you want Parmesan.

-What are you doing in there, honey?
-Nothing.

That really does sting.

Listen, I'm sorry about tonight.

I was a jerk.

Just tell me one thing.
Do you wish I looked like Angelina?

No, of course not.

How could I tell you apart?

What is it with you guys?

Why is it when one of you
sees a pretty girl...

he becomes a basket case?

Why is how a woman looks
the most important thing?

That's God's way.

That's why the eyes are in front.

If what a woman said
was the most important...

then the ears would be here.

That's just natural selection.

There were guys like that, but they died out.

I just thought you were different.

I am different.

I'm very special.

You know that.

How many men do you know...

who can do this?

Who are you?

Come on.

This is no big deal.

-You looking around is not a big deal?
-I didn't look around, I looked.

That's all, there's no around.

And there never will be.

Come on, I'm sure you look around
once in a while.

No. Women are different.

So you never found another guy attractive?

-No.
-Really?

-Come on.
-I don't know.

-Well, maybe.
-Who?

Who do you look at?

All right, if it helps,
I'm dead and you're a sailor.

Okay, well...

there's that Chuck Wilson.

At my paper? The columnist?

Yeah. His picture is right across
from yours...

and he is kind of cute.

-Wilson? Oh, God.
-Yeah.

He's a fat load.

He doesn't look fat in his picture.

That's from the head up.

I'm telling you,
from the neck down, he's a carnival.

Wilson, God. I thought you were going to
say Bon Jovi or something.

Right.

Like I'm ever going to meet him.

You sure as hell aren't going to meet
Chuck Wilson now.

This is stupid. Just forget it.

Big fat Wilson.

He's a pig.

He's a fatty.

He's got a curly tail.

Locking up.

When.