Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 1, Episode 3 - I Wish I Were Gus - full transcript

You know what I think is really sexy?

-What?
-A man who does the dishes.

No, does nothing for me.

You know what does it for me?

A woman who does the dishes
with another woman.

-Hey, where you going? What you got there?
-Mommy's pen.

That's my laundry marker. Honey,
have you been drawing on the walls again?

No, I drew on Geoffrey.

-You drew on Geoffrey?
-He asked me to.

Oh, my God.

It's bad news for Europe, Ray.



Just relax, I'll take care of it. It's coming off.

It's not coming off.

Here, let me see if I can do this.
Ally, come on, come with me.

You know your front door is locked?

Yeah, we thought it would keep out
the bad people.

You think evil cares about a lock?

Ray, I've got some news.
I don't know the best way to break this.

Your great uncle Gus? Dead.

Oh, no. I liked him.

Yeah, me, too. Hey, nuts.

Deb, Uncle Gus died.

That's terrible. What happened?

He had a heart attack. He was 94.

We still haven't ruled out foul play.



It's really a shame. Gus was a sweet guy.

Remember how he always wanted
to read everything you wrote?

Yeah, and he gave me a gold pen
when I graduated.

I always felt like I was his grandson.

He wants you to deliver his eulogy.

What? I hardly knew the guy.

It was his dying wish.

Even dead people love Raymond.

I can't do it, I can't.
Get somebody else to do it.

No. Old Gus wanted you. It was in his will.

I can't do it. I can't talk in front of people.
Even talking to you is hard enough.

No, please. Let Robert do it.
Robert can do the eulogy.

Peanut, almond, cashew.

I think you're doing the eulogy, Ray.

This is terrible. It's awful.

I just found out that my sister
is coming to the funeral.

Aunt Alda's coming all the way
from Canada?

That's great...

if you like Aunt Alda. Who does?

Go ahead, have your fun.
That woman broke my heart.

Not this again.

She never even sent Raymond
a wedding present.

She was upset 'cause you put her
at a bad table at the reception.

Aunt Alda did kind of ruin the wedding.

It was seven years ago,
and you're still not talking.

I hate this story.

What am I supposed to do?

Our cousin Teresa has cataracts,
so she's got to sit up front.

Then she shows up with her daughter,
Stacy, the 300-pound nutritionist.

That's another two seats.

-Can Hitler have a juice box?
-Yeah, I'll get it.

You understand, Ray. I know you do.

You're sensitive, artistic--

You don't have to be sensitive, dear.
You're big.

Look, Ma, I understand your fight,
you and Alda, but listen, Ma...

Gus is dead and I gotta give the eulogy,
so please don't ruin the funeral.

I'm not gonna make trouble
for you or anybody else.

-Good.
-Because I'm not gonna be there.

Peanut, almond, cashew.

Peanut, almond....

Oh, this isn't good.

-How's the eulogy going?
-I wish I were Gus.

I can't do it. You should do this.

No, you were in PR.
You are good at bull.... PR.

Get up. I'll take a look. It's not that hard.

You just have to know
how to put the right spin on things.

Just tell me something about Gus.

What's to tell?

For the last 30 years he sat in front of
the television with a bowl of baked beans.

He was a great patron of the arts...

and a gourmet.

Tell me something else.

He could belch the alphabet
to the letter "M."

Man of letters.

-Hey, you're very talented.
-Thank you.

Here, come here.

It's your mother. She won't stop crying
about this Alda business.

So why are you here?

Somebody's got to talk to her.

Well, you're her husband.
What's wrong with you?

She says I don't understand her.

-Why don't you go talk to her?
-Because I don't understand her.

Ray, you go.

No, Dad. I got work to do here.
Big eulogy coming up.

What, you don't care
how much your mother suffers?

-Or if I starve?
-Oh, you're starving?

Hey, you know your mother.
When she gets upset, she doesn't cook.

When she doesn't cook, I don't eat.
You do the math.

-Hello, Ray.
-Hi.

-Did your father send you?
-No, I wanted to come.

I won the bet to come.

He hates it when I cry.
It reminds him of our wedding night.

-Is this Gus?
-Yeah.

He's good looking.

Guys can say that now.

I loved him.

Here we are in Coney Island.

Hey, Ma. Maybe you should come
to the funeral.

-You know, just to say goodbye to Gus.
-Be in the same room with Alda?

Not even if it was your own father
rotting in that casket. Fruit?

Hey, Ma, what's with these pictures?

-Where are Alda's heads?
-In here, where they belong.

Ma! Are you gonna use her heads
to coat chicken?

Do you know what Alda used to do to me?

She'd read my diary.
She'd put my dolls in odd poses.

She'd wear my clothes.
She'd steal my boyfriends.

Yeah? What kind of poses?

Do you know what it's like to grow up
with someone who's bossy...

-demanding, and unreasonable?
-No.

-What's that supposed to mean?
-That's a joke, Ma.

-I'm making a joke.
-Yeah, very funny stuff.

-You think this is all a joke, huh?
-No.

-I thought you understood.
-Well, Ma, I'm trying.

Look, you're sisters. Family should talk.

-Like you and Robert?
-We talk. A lot of that just goes unspoken.

-You think I should forgive Alda?
-It would make things a lot easier.

-Oh, yeah.
-On you.

And on other people who have eulogies
to give, I'm just saying.

It'll make things easy for everybody else.
But does anybody ask me how I feel?

-I'm just a burden.
-Ma, you're not just a burden.

I got an idea. How about I sit in the
Dumpster behind Mr. Balducci's bakeshop?

That way I can shoo the crows away
from the old cannoli.

-At least that way, then I'd serve a purpose.
-"Serve a purpose."

Ma, you got lots of purposes.

I know, why don't you cook Dad a steak?
There's a purpose.

Mom, please!

I'm kidding, Ma. I'm just kidding.

What are you doing?

I'm getting the scores.

Is that how I raised you?
People cry and you turn on the television?

-Ma, I'm waiting for you to come back.
-You couldn't come after me, see how I was?

-I thought you wanted to be alone.
-Why would you think that, Ray?

I ran out of here crying.

That's the part that threw me.

Look, Ma, Aunt Alda's not that bad.

Come on, there's two sides
to every story, right?

-Get out of my house.
-Stop it. You don't mean that.

-Get out of my house!
-Ma, don't be mad at me.

I got eulogy problems.
If you don't forget about this Alda stuff...

nobody at this funeral
is gonna have a good time!

Look at all the people.
There's too many people.

Are you still nervous about the eulogy?
Do you want to practice on me?

No, you should be surprised
like the rest of us.

You didn't finish it?

How could I?
I got all this trouble with my mom.

She threw me out of the house.
She's not talking to me.

I know it sounds like a dream come true.

Oh, look at Geoffrey.

You think anybody will notice?

Bride's side or groom's side?

I'm lightening the mood.

Listen, just try not to make
that noise you make.

-What noise?
-That noise that you make at funerals.

Yeah, I got that under control. Thanks.

-Look, your mom's here.
-Oh, God. She showed up.

Look at my sweeties.

Listen, Ma, I'm glad you changed your mind,
and I'm sorry.

Great job talking to your mother.
God forbid you should give a crap.

I guess Marie's still not cooking.

I'll give him a jar of strained peas.

Is that my Raymond?

Hi, Aunt Alda.

It's so good to see my favorite
nephew again. It's been too long.

It's been way too long. Got to go.

-Shame, shame, shame.
-Hello, Marie.

Isn't this nice, you two?
You're back together.

You can kiss my son,
but you can't send a wedding present?

Your lips should dry into raisins.
Oops, too late.

Be nice.

The present will arrive in a couple of years.
I mailed it from where I sat.

The reason you're angry about that table
is 'cause you weren't the center of attention.

Lots of attention here.

How could I be the center of attention...

while you're doing the limbo
in a sequin dress and a pushup bra?

If you had something to push up, you
wouldn't be sitting there with a sour puss.

How could you see my sour puss
where I was sitting? You'd need binoculars.

Stop it! We're at a funeral.

Ray, we're ready for you now.

Oh, God. Listen, Ma, just stop it.
Put it on hold, all right?

This funeral is not about you two fighting.

It's about me giving this damn eulogy.

-I like his hair.
-His hair looks terrible.

Hi, I'm Ray.

I'm here to talk about Gus Patrone.

Thank you.

I did a little research first.

Lots of people don't know Gus was actually
born Gustafavio...

Beiperceilu.

He was born January 23, 1902.

That would make him, what? Aquarius.

He was 10 pounds 6 ounces.

Wow! That's big.

Ladies, am I right?

Later, Gus bought Carpet World
over in Manhasset.

I remember, it was open
10:00 to 6:00, Sundays.

In 1992, Gus was forced to retire...

after a bad break with his prostate.

All right, I can't take this anymore.
This is crazy.

Listen, you know what I remember
about Gus?

How much he cared about family.

Yeah, he didn't let the little things
become big things...

because he knew what was
most important in life: family.

People who love you
no matter how stupid you're acting.

You know, 'cause one day
we're all gonna be Gus here.

Is that what you want?
You wanna get lowered into the ground...

with all the grudges and the petty
little things that don't matter at all?

Gus didn't let that happen to him.

That's why we're all here today.

That's it. That's all.

Sorry about the yelling.

Raymond, that was beautiful.
Simple and touching.

It was more than beautiful.
It was extremely beautiful.

What is your problem, Marie?

I can't even say a word
without you topping me.

I can't help it, you're easily topped.

You're a bitter woman, Marie.
You're a bitter, bleached-blonde woman.

You're just jealous of human hair.

At least I'm not complaining about
where I sat at a wedding seven years ago.

I was so far away.
I am still waiting for my cake.

All right, stop it! All right, stop!

All right, you and you, let's go. Now.

-What is it, Ray?
-What is it?

Come here, sit down.
Both of you, come here and sit down.

-Didn't you hear what I said in there?
-You mean the eulogy?

You know how I mentioned
it was extremely beautiful?

That wasn't entirely true.

Ma, you want to be in that box, dead,
without ever making up with Aunt Alda?

How come I'm in the box and not her?

-Answer.
-I don't know.

Aunt Alda?

Thank you for not putting me
in the box, dear.

Come on, so you never wanna make up
with Mom?

Well, I guess.... I don't know.

Beautiful. Two "I don't knows."
That's progress. So you like being this way?

I always thought there was time.

How much time is there?

This is the time, now. Now is the time.

Do it.

-I'm sorry, Marie.
-It was my fault.

Seven years.

All that time wasted.
So much has happened.

-Oh, my God, they made up?
-Yeah.

-You did this?
-I can do things.

-I had menopause.
-Me, too.

First the beautiful speech. Now this?

Ray, I am completely turned on.

Oh, sure. At a funeral.

-Hi.
-How are you doing, dear?

Well, I'm good if you guys are good.

Thanks to Raymond, I've got my sister back.
What's not good?

Well, Gus is dead.

There is that.

As long as everybody is making up...

-I forgive you, too, Aunt Alda.
-For what, dear?

-You know, the wedding.
-What do you mean, dear?

All those complaints
about where you were seated...

and nobody dancing,
everybody going home early.

That was because of the cheap food.

You never even sent a gift.

My gift was that I came at all.

What kind of a horse's ass gift is that?

You'd be lucky to have a horse's ass.