Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 1, Episode 20 - Neighbors - full transcript

Tommy I've been trying to get you
to come here for years just to try my sauce.

-It's the onIy thing I make reaIIy.
-Yeah I got a Iot more time now.

You know this is my whoIe Iife IateIy.
I go to friends' houses and taste their food.

To me it's more reIaxing than managing.

Here you go. What do you think of that?

-You made this sauce?
-Yeah. It's my mother's recipe.

I gotta teII you it's a IittIe bush Ieague.
Come on over here.

-What are you taIking about?
-It needs more seasoning.

Okay put a IittIe hot pepper in it.

AII right now Iet me see you stir.

-You know I just stir.
-Look at the way you're hoIding the spoon.



Choke up on it a IittIe.

Okay get your head down.
AII right bend your knees foIIow through...

and give me some more stirring power
and get your eIbow up.

-I thought you just wanted to reIax.
-Hey keep your eye on the sauce.

Rookies.

Hi I'm Ray and I Iive here in Long IsIand
with my wife Debra.

She's great with the kids
the house everything.

I don't know how she does it.

We've got a daughter AIIy...

and twin two-year-oId boys.

It's not reaIIy about the kids.

My parents Iive across the street.

That's right.

And my brother Iives with them.



Now not every famiIy
wouId go by on a conveyor beIt for you...

but mine wouId because--

Everybody Ioves Raymond.

Yeah.

My God. Ray what is that?

Oh no. It's coming from my parents' house.

My father put in one of those
new motion sensor Iights.

God. It's Iike the mother ship is Ianding.

I toId him not to make it so sensitive.

A moth probabIy fIew by.

Let's see what's out there.

-What do you see?
-I think I saw my own retina.

What is your father doing?

His car's on the street. He thinks
this Iight wiII keep peopIe from steaIing it.

Why doesn't he just get a car aIarm?

Your father is driving me nuts Ray.
Did you caII him?

Nobody's answering.
They're probabIy deaf by now.

Why is he woodworking
at 7??30 in the morning?

Because some genius gave him
the Big Book of Hobbies.

I gave him something to do
so he'd stop coming here and annoying us.

So now he's....

Good idea Ray.

You had to give him
the Big Book ofHobbies.

I'm going upstairs to take a nap.

God it's Ioud here too.

What did you do to your nose Robert?

Dad's car aIarm woke me up Iast night.

I ran outside to turn it off
forgot we had an oak tree.

Thank you very much Raymond.

How is your nose my fauIt?

If Dad hadn't turned his garage
into a workshop...

he wouIdn't have to park on the street.

Then he wouIdn't need an aIarm
that goes off whenever I blow my nose...

which now thanks to you invoIves bIood.

I'm a cop. I need my sIeep.

Hey I'm a working man too you know.

Yeah sports writer. Tough job.

A Iot of shootouts at the computer?

Did you taIk to your mom Robert?

Since Dad's in the garage aII day
I'm the onIy one she has to taIk to.

At Ieast the buzz saw has an ??off?? switch.

What are you doing in your pajamas?

It's a IittIe earIy for woodworking isn't it?

Not for me. I never feIt so aIive.

You know the satisfaction of doing
something with your own two hands?

I'm imagining it right now.

I Iove the Big Book ofHobbies.
The best gift you ever gave me.

Hey where's the driII?

-In the garage.
-Great thanks.

HeIIo.

Hi. It's Ruth Greene from two doors down.

Yeah we heard the sawing too.

Yeah. That's him singing.

Okay. WeII I'II discuss it with Ray.

Yeah Thanks for caIIing Ruth. Bye-bye.

Great. Now the neighbors want to come
over here tonight to discuss your parents.

-Discuss my parents?
-This is so embarrassing.

And she actuaIIy said ??your famiIy??
Iike I have anything to do with it.

Who are these peopIe
to discuss my parents?

I shouId have kept my maiden name.

I don't want them over to the house.

You know what Ray?
I don't think it's such a bad idea.

I mean you've got to admit
your father's making a Iot of noise...

and your mother is a bit of a meddIer.

They're not so bad
that we have to have a meeting.

What are they gonna do?
Come over with torches and pitchforks?

No. They just want to come over
to discuss the probIem...

and you've got to admit there's a probIem.

I mean they wouIdn't have to be caIIing
a meeting...

if the whoIe thing
hadn't gotten compIeteIy intoIerabIe.

Look the neighbors just wanna come over
to ask for our heIp...

and I think the Ieast
we can do is Iisten to what they have to say.

Look I don't think a meeting
is necessary reaIIy.

-AII right--
-Look me in the eye right now.

I don't think we have to do this.
But you know what? I'II do this for you.

Thanks.

Look we aII wanna Iive in peace
and friendship...

and Ray and Debra
you've aIways been good neighbors.

-Thank you. Look I just--
-I was taIking.

And so since you two are so cIose
to the probIem...

we were hoping
you couId get through to them.

Okay aII right. I understand.

You're taIking about the noise??
the car aIarm the buzz saw my mom.

I'm gonna handIe it. Okay?
Good meeting. Thank you very much.

You know take some cookies
my mom made those. They're pretty good.

There's more to it than just the noise Ray.

You know your father's Ieaf bIower?

Last week he bIew everything from his Iawn
onto mine incIuding a dead chipmunk.

You're right.
Nobody shouId bIow rodents around.

And your mother accepts my packages
and then she negIects to inform me.

You're mad now but when one of those
babies expIodes you're gonna thank her.

We are very serious Ray.

We hope you wiII taIk to your parents
about aII of these things...

because we don't wanna have to go
to the extreme.

What are you taIking about?

We couId initiate IegaI action and
get your parents out of the neighborhood.

Is that possibIe?

-I was just asking a question.
-Right.

Nobody reaIIy wants that to happen.
They're oIder peopIe. Where wouId they go?

-FIorida.
-What are you doing?

-It's warm in FIorida.
-Yeah.

AII right Iisten
Iet's back up here a second.

They make a IittIe noise...

and they couId be
a IittIe irksome sometimes...

but come on
Iet's Iook at their good points too.

They recycIe.

They're not cannibaIs.

I didn't want have to show this...

but I have a tape.

They are cannibaIs?

This is your father
getting his morning paper.

You're videotaping my father?

I shot this over the course
of severaI mornings.

There it is?? Exhibit ??A.??

-Is that a tattoo?
-No.

Look at what your father made.

-Oh hi??
-Isn't this a beauty?

LittIe porno party.

Come on outside show me where this goes.
Put it up on the tree Dad.

Who's the fat ass?

Frank??

HoIy crap.

What the heII is going on here?

Nothing we're just having a few Iaughs.
Neighborhood bIoopers.

The truth is certain peopIe around here
have some compIaints about you.

-Which certain peopIe?
-Them.

-Marie this is not what it Iooks Iike.
-It Iooks Iike my son is pIotting against us.

And serving my cookies??

You're serving my cookies at your raIIy?

You took sides against the famiIy.

Dad I was defending you.

Against the famiIy??

Dad it's not....

-I want the tape. Give me the tape.
-I'II take it for you Mom.

No. How do you work
these damn machines?

-Easy Mom. I'II do it.
-I hate these damn machines.

Don't puII the pIug??

-How couId you?
-Ma.

Okay that went weII.

Debra.

-What is the matter?
-I can't sIeep.

Why not?

My dad's car aIarm.

-It's not going off.
-ExactIy.

I can't stand it. It's just too quiet over there.

Maybe I can heIp you Ray.

-Good night.
-That didn't heIp.

I can stiII hear my own guiIt.

You have nothing to be guiIty of.
You didn't do anything.

I did. I heId a raIIy against my parents
in my own house.

Didn't you see that? They were reaIIy hurt.

I couId teII by the way my mother
was running with the VCR.

I know. Look I feIt bad too. Maybe
that's the onIy way to get through to them.

I hurt them.

I hurt myseIf.

Ray you've got nothing to feeI guiIty for.
You didn't do anything.

As a matter of fact
you were defending them.

That doesn't matter.
GuiIt is just a way of Iife for me.

I was trained by masters.

My mother my father the Pope.

Listen just enjoy the quiet okay?
Go to sIeep.

HeIIo.

What's this?

They kiIIed themseIves
and Robert made them into sandwiches.

-Hi.
-HeIIo.

Listen I know you're hurt but there's
something you shouId understand.

We didn't pIan that meeting.
The neighbors just came over.

We're not hurt dear.
The neighbors were right.

-Right?
-Hey we're not perfect.

-What?
-We didn't know...

how our behavior affected others.
These peopIe around here are very nice.

-So everything's okay with you?
-Yes.

Water under the bridge.

WeII good. I'm gIad you feeI that way.
I thought you might stiII be upset.

That meeting was supposed
to be constructive.

-And it was.
-Very constructive.

So you're not mad--

We reaIIy don't have anything more
to say Ray.

You got some big sandwiches.

I'm sorry dear that's for the neighbors.

The neighbors are coming over?

It's the Ieast we couId do
for aII the troubIe we've caused.

Since when do you care about the troubIe--

Here they are.

Hi.

-HeIIo.
-How are you?

Thanks a Iot.

Wait a minute. You're aII friends now?

Here's the ice.

Great job son. Great job.

Thanks for stopping by Ray.

I made the dip.

Can't sIeep?

It's in the BibIe. ??Honor thy mother.??

What about the father?

Okay him too.

I didn't do anything.

-Ray.
-I'm coming.

I know. I know.

I'm sorry Father
I thought this was the confessionaI.

This is the confessionaI.

Where's the booth with the kneeIer...

and the sIiding window
through which you can't see me?

You haven't been here in a whiIe have you?

Twenty years. I've been good.

WouId you Iike to have a seat?

I start right?

BIess me Father for I have sinned.

It's been you know a Iong time...

since my Iast confession. Let's see.

I've cursed...

about 90000 times...

ate a Iot of meat on Fridays.

We aboIished that ruIe a Iong time ago.

Wow?? You guys are changing everything.

Now what reaIIy brings you here
after 20 years?

AII right the thing is
I think I broke one of the commandments.

The one about
??Honor thy father and thy mother.??

ReaIIy?

That's bad huh?

I just don't get that one a Iot.

At Ieast not from someone
in your age group.

You're more in the
??Covet thy neighbor's wife?? phase of Iife.

It's not that I don't Iove
my mother and my father...

it's just that it's very hard to honor them.

You're trying to put them in a home.

No.

The neighbors wanted
to throw them out of the neighborhood...

and even though I was defending them...

and the neighbors are okay now
I stiII feeI guiIty.

It doesn't sound
Iike you did anything wrong.

Then how come I feeI so Iousy?

Maybe your guiIt's coming
from a deeper pIace.

What do you mean?

How do you feeI about your parents?

What are you saying?

Are you saying that maybe
I feeI this way because...

deep down I think the neighbors are right?

That part of me wants to throw them out
of the neighborhood too?

That they've been just driving me crazy
my whoIe Iife?

That's what you are saying isn't it?

We aII have these kinds of feeIing
from time to time.

You know there was a man
on our church counciI a few years ago.

A decent enough feIIow but a bit abrasive.

ObIivious to anyone eIse's feeIings.

I wanted to get him out of my hair.

I used to fantasize
about him converting to Judaism.

-One day I said ??Frank I think--??
-Wait a minute his name was Frank?

-That's unimportant. The point--
-No. Frank Barone?

-You know Frank Barone?
-He's my father.

-Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?
-Yes??

You're absoIved.

What?

Our Lord forgives your thoughts.

Yeah? ReaIIy? You're sure?

WeII I couId Iook it up
but I'm aImost positive.

Thank you Father.

This is great.

Let me ask you something.
WiII it be wrong to Iet them know how I feeI?

That I'm just sick and tired of being
manipuIated and treated Iike a chiId...

and I'm just not gonna Iet them
do it anymore?

Are you going to take the name of the Lord
in vain when you do?

-No.
-Then go with God.

You guys you're great.

I'm gonna teII aII my friends about you.

AII right. Mom and Dad Iisten up here.

I don't care what you think about me.
This has been a Iong time coming.

I'm gonna say it right now
and you're gonna hear it.

Say what you wanna say Ray.
We're Iistening.

WeII?

Listen...

I'm sorry.

He said it??

Good thing. You did the right thing.

That's aII we ever wanted to hear.
That's aII a parent ever wants from a chiId.

Constant apoIogy right.

Good to have you back Ray.
We missed you.

-You hungry honey?
-Yeah.

Good.

Hey Robert this is Ray's chair.

There you go.
Come on sit down on the oId chair.

Here.

I can understand why it bothers you.

But it's quite normaI to have thoughts
about your parents dying.

Did I mention the part
about the sandwiches?