Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 1, Episode 18 - Recovering Pessimist - full transcript
Debra confronts Raymond about his pessimism after he takes no joy in winning the Sportswriter of the Year award.
- Hmm.
Hmm.
- What?
What's the problem?
- I got to go
to the bathroom.
- So go.
- Uh, too tired.
I got to go
all the way around
And come all the way back.
I hate this side
of the bed.
You're closer,
you go to the bathroom for me.
- Ohh!
Not this again.
Ray, you chose that side,
you wanted that side,
You made your bed,
now just shut up in it.
- I never should've
took this side.
I went with
my childhood instinct,
I took the side
away from the door
In case the bogeyman
comes in.
Bogeyman gets you,
I'm in my spaceship by then.
- What if he comes in
through the window?
- I got to go
to the bathroom.
Hi, I'm ray,
And I live here
in long island
With my wife, debra.
She's great
with the kids,
The house,
everything.
Oh, I don't know
how she does it.
We've got
a daughter, ally,
And twin
two-year-old boys.
It's not really
about the kids.
My parents live
across the street.
That's right,
And my brother
lives with them.
Now, not every family
Would go by
on a conveyer belt for you,
But mine would,
because--
- Everybody
loves raymond.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- All right,
well, listen.
Thanks for stopping by--
again.
- Yeah, 'cause, uh,
We've missed you
since this morning.
- Yeah.
[laughs]
- Okay, bye now.
We'll see you.
- Oh, hey!
- Robert, listen, everybody
was just leaving 'cause--
- Oh.
Hey, is that meatloaf?
- Yeah.
You wouldn't like it.
Very dry.
We're throwing it out.
- Yeah.
- Is--is that a spot
on your uniform, robbie?
- What? Oh, this?
- Yeah.
- Oh, no, that's just
a little something
That the lieutenant pinned
On a particularly
deserving officer
At roll call this morning.
- What did you get,
like, a condemnation?
- Commendation, dad.
- Ooh, let me see!
- Okay, go easy on it.
- Oh--
what's it for?
- Perfect attendance.
Three years in a row.
- Hey, that's, uh--
that's pretty good, robert.
Okay, bye now.
- Oh--
I am so proud
of you, robbie.
- That's my boy.
Always...There.
- Hey, ray,
look at this letter.
You're up for
sportswriter of the year.
- Hey.
- What are you
talking about?
Your newspaper submitted you,
and you got nominated.
- Oh, raymond,
that's marvelous!
- I knew I was submitted
to this thing,
But I didn't think
this was going to happen.
- 1,095 days
of perfect attendance.
- Look, look, look,
And they're going to
announce the winner
At an awards banquet.
Whoo!
Hoo hoo!
- I bet they got a buffet.
- Yeah.
Oh, honey!
I always told you
you were a great writer.
- Well, don't get excited,
all right,
'cause I'm not going
to this thing.
- Why not?
- It's just a stupid,
meaningless award;
That's all.
- Well, can I still go?
They got wheelbarrows
full of shrimp there.
- Nobody's going, okay?
These events
are always lame.
- Why are you being
so negative?
- Yeah.
What's the matter?
You don't like shrimp?
Come on, marie.
I'm hungry.
- Well, as far
as I'm concerned,
You're already the winner
in this family.
Come on, robbie.
- Best of luck.
I hope it all
works out for you.
- Ray, what is
wrong with you?
This isn't a lame event.
This is a black tie,
prestigious, you know, thing,
And if you win, it could really
be good for your career.
- Oh, come on.
Good for my career?
No, the awards mean nothing,
all right?
The best thing to do
is just forget about it.
- You think
you're going to lose.
- Of course!
- But this is
so fantastic, ray.
Look at this.
"sportswriter of the year."
I mean, you know, this is great
just to be nominated.
- "it's great
just to be nominated."
That's what
the loser says.
That's--that's the title
of the loser handbook.
- Have you ever thought
of something, ray?
You might actually
win this.
- Don't--look, debra,
don't make me want this.
- It's okay
to want things, ray.
- No!
No, you're wrong.
Look, right now,
my expectations
Are right here,
this high.
When I fall from here,
I sprain an ankle.
I limp away.
That's all.
If I fall from where
you're talking about--
Splat!
I'm splat the loser.
"oh, hey,
any words for us, splat?"
"oh, oh, it was great
just to be nominated."
I don't know.
No.
- Fine.
All right, fine.
We won't go.
God, raymond,
you're hopeless.
- You really think
I could win it?
- Honey, come on.
Look at the competition here,
all right?
Bill scheft.
He's already won twice,
so he's finished.
Chuck heaton's big story
this year was
"too much violence
in boxing."
Thanks for the scoop, chuck.
I mean, you're always telling me
what a hack ted stankovich is,
But, you know, most importantly,
I know you, ray.
I know your writing,
and listen, sweetie,
You are really,
really good.
You are. There is nobody
that's better than you, ray.
You are sportswriter
of the year.
- You--you did it.
You made me want it!
- Ray, this is so great.
Oh, my god, we're out,
we're with adults.
I didn't have to
cut anybody's meat,
You smell good.
- This was a mistake,
you know?
All this small talk
with people
Who couldn't
care less about me.
- Oh.
- It's torture.
Ray, look.
The skater, the skater.
- Excuse me,
are you ray barone?
- Yeah.
- I'm katarina witt.
- Hi.
Uh--wife.
- Hi. Debra.
I'm debra.
Oh, my gosh,
it is so great to meet you.
We are really
big fans of yours.
- Thank you very much.
Ray, I just wanted to say
how much I loved your article
About professionals
in the olympics.
- Oh, wow.
Thanks. Thanks.
- I think you're
a very good writer,
And I'm sure you're going
to win tonight,
So good luck.
- Well, thank you.
See?
Torture.
- What do you mean?
A beautiful, famous skater
has just told you
How much she loves
your work.
How can it be
better than that?
- I could be single.
Look, of course she's going
to say she likes my work.
She's a skater.
She's dizzy
from all of that spinning.
- You're right, ray.
I don't know why
I didn't think of that.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
If you'll all
take your seats,
It's time to begin.
- All right, I'm going to get
some fresh air.
I'm going to just
jump out that window.
- Oh, sit down,
you freak.
- Hey, ray barone!
Honey, come here.
This is marv albert.
- "yes!"
- Gee, I've never
heard that before.
- This is my wife, debra.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you.
- Cake throws off
her medications.
- Word is that you are
the odds-on favorite,
And, you know,
personally,
I've been such a huge fan
of yours over the years.
- Oh, thank you.
I appreciate that.
- Best of luck to you.
- Thank you.
- Marv albert thinks
I'm on medication.
- Odds-on favorite?
Big fan?
Oh, my god, I might have
a shot at this.
- And now,
to present the award
For sportswriter
of the year,
Mr. Marv albert.
[applause]
- Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
And now, the main event.
For the federated
press association's
Sportswriter of the year,
the nominees are--
Ted stankovich
of "the chicago tribune"--
- Hack, hack,
hack, hack.
- Bill scheft
of "the boston globe"--
- [gagging]
- I don't care.
I don't care.
- Chuck heaton of
"the cleveland plain dealer"--
- [blows raspberry]
- And ray barone
of "new york newsday".
- Whoo!
[whistles]
Go--
ray, stop.
Don't touch my hair.
- And the winner is--
- [whimpers]
- Look, ray, you're just
going to have to make
The best of this, honey.
I mean, something good's
going to come from this.
You'll see.
Ray, come on.
You know, ray,
You're sportswriter
of the year.
You know, when most people
win an award,
They don't look like
they're passing a stone.
- Yeah, well, you try
lifting this thing.
- Oh, oh,
the trophy's too big.
Is that the problem, ray?
- I don't know,
it's just--
It doesn't feel right.
- What's wrong with
winning an award?
- It's too good
to be true.
- But it is true!
- Then it can't
be that good.
- You are such a pessimist!
- I'm not a pessimist.
- Oh, no?
You are incapable of
seeing the good in anything.
What is that called?
- A realist.
And I can see the good
in a lot of things, okay?
How about last year
when we went skiing
And I didn't break
anything?
- That's because you sat
in the lodge the whole time,
Saying, "I don't want
to break anything."
- I enjoyed it
in my own way.
I liked
the hot chocolate.
Although, I hear now
that fake sweetener stuff
Will kill you.
It's crazy.
- Yeah, you're not
a pessimist, huh?
Listen, I know
how your head works.
I'm going to
prove it to you.
Listen, you say the first thing
that comes into your mind
When I say,
for instance, um--
Love.
- Wife?
- [snorts]
Uh, nice answer,
But it took a little too long
getting there.
I could tell you threw out,
like, 15 words
Before you got to "wife."
- They all meant "wife."
- Okay, you're not
supposed to think
Before you say
anything, okay?
- All right, all right.
I got it.
Okay.
Do it again.
- Okay.
Ice cream.
- Oh, I thought you were
going to say "love" again.
I was ready for "love."
- No, it's different
words, ray.
- All right, all right,
all right.
All right.
Go ahead.
- Ice cream.
- Fat.
- See?
Right to the negative.
All right.
Beach.
- Sunburn.
- Marriage.
- Counselor.
- Bad.
- Worse.
- Steak.
- Stroke.
- Sex.
- Twins.
- Think I've proved
my point.
I've proved my point.
- No, the twins are
a positive, all right?
Come on, hey,
maybe you're the one
Who's a little negative
around here.
- Oh, face it, ray,
You're a total pessimist.
- All right,
I'm a little pessimistic,
But I got it
under control, okay?
I can be optimistic
any time I want to.
- You are so classic.
You're in total denial.
I mean, look.
Look at this.
How can you
not enjoy this?
- It's really easy.
- [sighs]
This is not normal,
you know that?
You really have
a big problem.
- It's just I'm being careful,
that's all.
I--I always thought I was
just an occasional worrier.
You know, like a guy comes up
and says, "hello,"
And I'm thinking, "hey,
is this guy going to hit me?"
That kind of thing.
- Do you like
being this way?
- It's all I know.
- You know, it doesn't
have to be this way.
You can get better.
You can change.
But listen--
The first step
is admitting
That you have
a problem.
- All right.
I'm ray,
and I'm a pessimist.
- Hi, ray.
- Hey, everybody,
daddy's home.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- How was your day?
- Great!
Just great!
- Good.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
Well, dinner's
almost ready, so--
- Oh, great. Great.
Great. Great.
What are we having?
- Just assorted leftovers.
- Great!
I like variety.
- Yeah.
- Hey, sweetie.
[laughs]
hey.
- Daddy's face is weird.
- Yeah.
Gee, so, you're
in a good mood, huh?
- I'm in a great mood.
- Well, ray,
I'm proud of you.
You're really
being positive.
- Yeah.
I'm trying.
Isn't easy, though,
I'll tell you.
Today was one of
the toughest days of my life.
- Why?
- I got a promotion.
- Oh, my god!
That's wonderful!
Oh, sweetie!
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Congratulations!
- Yeah.
It's a big--
Good--
Thing.
- Yes! Yes!
Oh, see?
That award was good,
And something good
came from that, too.
- Right. Right.
Right.
I got to admit,
I almost had
Some negative thoughts
there, you know?
I was tempted to think
"promotion--
"more responsibility,
intense pressure,
Stomach ulcers, hair loss,
bleeding gums."
But I didn't.
- [laughs nervously]
- I didn't.
I just pushed those thoughts
right out of my mind,
And I thought,
"everything's great,
Because I'm coming
home to my family."
[banging and screaming]
Oh--huh.
- Oh, ray, this is really
a huge step for you.
- It is.
- Yeah.
- And, you know, even though
I got a promotion,
I'm going to look
at the bright side.
I--as a matter of fact,
you know what,
Forget about the leftovers.
Let's celebrate.
Let's order in, huh?
- Oh, great!
Yeah.
- And I'll get my parents,
And I'll tell them
to come over.
I mean, your parents
are always--
- Ah, ah, ah!
You're going to talk the talk,
you walk the walk.
- Yeah.
- Tck, tck, tck, tck!
- Okay.
Oh, great.
Just great.
- Here's another one.
"pellagra."
"characterized
by skin eruptions,
"digestive and nervous
system disturbances,
And eventual
mental deterioration."
- Eww.
That's disgusting.
- You want me
to keep going?
- Couple more.
- Ooh.
"impetigo."
- Hey. Hey, everybody.
What are you doing?
- Uh, just reading up
on diseases.
You got no idea
what's out there.
- We heard you won
your award thing.
Oh, that's
very nice, ray.
- Yeah, actually
it was great.
You know how I thought--
I didn't think
The dinner was going
to be a big deal?
Yeah, I met katarina witt
and marv albert.
- Was dimaggio there?
- No.
No, dad.
- Oh.
Well, at least you made
the sportswriter hall of fame.
- Well, actually,
it's sportswriter of the year.
- Oh.
Just the year.
- That's wonderful, dear.
How much did you win?
- I got a trophy, ma.
Big--big trophy.
- Oh?
- Oh.
- No cash?
- No. No, no.
Just the trophy.
But I'll tell you what,
because of that trophy--
- Oh, that's nice.
You got a nice trophy.
A nice gold trophy.
- Well, actually,
it's silver, ma.
- Well, I thought silver
was for second place.
Well, I'm sure
it's a very nice trophy.
- Yeah, you--
You bust your ass
all year long.
At least they could
throw you a few dollars.
- Dad, it's just--
it's more of a prestige thing.
- Yeah?
Take the prestige
thing to the market
And see how many
eggs you bring home.
- Hey.
What's going on?
- What are you
doing here?
- I took a sick day.
- What--what about
your perfect attendance?
- What, like I need
another little pin?
Well, I hear you won
the award last night.
- Yeah, yeah, I did,
and--and it was great.
And I don't care what
anybody thinks about it.
I feel good about it.
I thought something bad
was going to happen from this,
But, uh--you know what,
I got a promotion today.
- Promotion?
- Promotion?
- Gee, what a shock.
- They make you editor?
- No, dad.
- Why not?
- I'm head
of sports features.
And that's good.
That's good.
You know, most people think
an award and a promotion
Are good things.
I enjoy my work,
And I'm glad to be
recognized for it, okay?
And I don't--I'm going to
pat myself on the back
And feel good about it.
- Well, I must say, ray,
This is a side of you
that's not very attractive.
- What?
- Nobody likes a bragger.
What are you,
going uptown on us?
- You're really beginning
to get a swelled head.
We didn't bring you
up that way.
- I'm sorry.
I didn't--
You know,
I just thought I was--
Oh, no,
wait a minute!
What?
What?
What am I
apologizing for?
Look, all I'm doing
is being happy!
You know, maybe
everybody around here
Would be
a little bit happier
If you tried to see
the good in things
Instead of--
you just beat everything down!
- Well, what are you
yelling at us for?
Is this how you're going
to handle the new job?
- I got an award,
all right?
That's, you know,
that's good.
I got a promotion, too.
That's--that's good.
There's no bad here.
There's no bad--
They don't promote you
if you're bad.
If I was a pessimist
like them,
I would think it's bad,
but I am an optimist now.
I feel good
all the time.
Oh, look, it's raining.
Oh, that's--that's good
for the garden, isn't it?
- Why do people
who convert
Try to drag everyone
along with them?
- It's raining?
- It's raining.
But it's good
for the garden.
- Oh, honey, I shouldn't have
let you go over there.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, my god.
- No, two steps forward,
one step back.
- Yeah.
- What?
What's wrong with you?
- Oh, I think I have
some bad news, ray.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Your editor called.
There's this race,
And there's a girl
from long island,
A 13-year-old who's going
to be competing in it,
And he wants his new
head of sports features
To cover it.
- Yeah?
- It's the iditarod, ray.
It's in alaska.
- Oh.
- Are you okay?
- That's a two-week dogsled race
in 35-below weather.
Stankovich covered that
last year and lost a toe.
- Oh, my god.
I'm sorry.
It just sounds terrible.
- Yeah, it is.
It is.
- Then why are you smiling?
This isn't exactly
good news.
- Not exactly good news?
Honey, this is horrible!
I knew this was
going to happen.
- Then why aren't you upset?
- Because I was right!
Oh, god,
I was right!
I was walking around all day
pretending there wasn't
Going to be any bad news,
But here it is,
bad news!
Hello, old friend.
- Ray, ray,
come on, honey,
You're falling off
the wagon.
- No, no.
- Don't do it. Come on.
Sweetie--
- no, no, no!
I am a pessimist!
That's who I am!
It's in my blood!
This is where
I feel comfortable!
Oh, I'm back!
I'm back!
- You know, ray,
you are just sick!
You're not happy
unless you're miserable!
- Bingo!
Come on.
Come on, let's go have
some crummy leftovers,
And then after dinner,
we'll just sit like lumps,
And we'll watch
a stupid video.
- Yeah, well, the kids
broke the v.C.R.
- Ha ha!
- Yeah, honey.
Ah, as miserable
as it sounded,
It's even worse!
All right, I'll see you
in a week and a half.
Yeah, I still got my toes.
Okay, bye.
I love you too.
[kissing]
[muffled]
oh, honey, don't hang up!
Don't hang up!
My lips are stuck
to the phone!
Hello?
I knew this would happen.
Hmm.
- What?
What's the problem?
- I got to go
to the bathroom.
- So go.
- Uh, too tired.
I got to go
all the way around
And come all the way back.
I hate this side
of the bed.
You're closer,
you go to the bathroom for me.
- Ohh!
Not this again.
Ray, you chose that side,
you wanted that side,
You made your bed,
now just shut up in it.
- I never should've
took this side.
I went with
my childhood instinct,
I took the side
away from the door
In case the bogeyman
comes in.
Bogeyman gets you,
I'm in my spaceship by then.
- What if he comes in
through the window?
- I got to go
to the bathroom.
Hi, I'm ray,
And I live here
in long island
With my wife, debra.
She's great
with the kids,
The house,
everything.
Oh, I don't know
how she does it.
We've got
a daughter, ally,
And twin
two-year-old boys.
It's not really
about the kids.
My parents live
across the street.
That's right,
And my brother
lives with them.
Now, not every family
Would go by
on a conveyer belt for you,
But mine would,
because--
- Everybody
loves raymond.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- All right,
well, listen.
Thanks for stopping by--
again.
- Yeah, 'cause, uh,
We've missed you
since this morning.
- Yeah.
[laughs]
- Okay, bye now.
We'll see you.
- Oh, hey!
- Robert, listen, everybody
was just leaving 'cause--
- Oh.
Hey, is that meatloaf?
- Yeah.
You wouldn't like it.
Very dry.
We're throwing it out.
- Yeah.
- Is--is that a spot
on your uniform, robbie?
- What? Oh, this?
- Yeah.
- Oh, no, that's just
a little something
That the lieutenant pinned
On a particularly
deserving officer
At roll call this morning.
- What did you get,
like, a condemnation?
- Commendation, dad.
- Ooh, let me see!
- Okay, go easy on it.
- Oh--
what's it for?
- Perfect attendance.
Three years in a row.
- Hey, that's, uh--
that's pretty good, robert.
Okay, bye now.
- Oh--
I am so proud
of you, robbie.
- That's my boy.
Always...There.
- Hey, ray,
look at this letter.
You're up for
sportswriter of the year.
- Hey.
- What are you
talking about?
Your newspaper submitted you,
and you got nominated.
- Oh, raymond,
that's marvelous!
- I knew I was submitted
to this thing,
But I didn't think
this was going to happen.
- 1,095 days
of perfect attendance.
- Look, look, look,
And they're going to
announce the winner
At an awards banquet.
Whoo!
Hoo hoo!
- I bet they got a buffet.
- Yeah.
Oh, honey!
I always told you
you were a great writer.
- Well, don't get excited,
all right,
'cause I'm not going
to this thing.
- Why not?
- It's just a stupid,
meaningless award;
That's all.
- Well, can I still go?
They got wheelbarrows
full of shrimp there.
- Nobody's going, okay?
These events
are always lame.
- Why are you being
so negative?
- Yeah.
What's the matter?
You don't like shrimp?
Come on, marie.
I'm hungry.
- Well, as far
as I'm concerned,
You're already the winner
in this family.
Come on, robbie.
- Best of luck.
I hope it all
works out for you.
- Ray, what is
wrong with you?
This isn't a lame event.
This is a black tie,
prestigious, you know, thing,
And if you win, it could really
be good for your career.
- Oh, come on.
Good for my career?
No, the awards mean nothing,
all right?
The best thing to do
is just forget about it.
- You think
you're going to lose.
- Of course!
- But this is
so fantastic, ray.
Look at this.
"sportswriter of the year."
I mean, you know, this is great
just to be nominated.
- "it's great
just to be nominated."
That's what
the loser says.
That's--that's the title
of the loser handbook.
- Have you ever thought
of something, ray?
You might actually
win this.
- Don't--look, debra,
don't make me want this.
- It's okay
to want things, ray.
- No!
No, you're wrong.
Look, right now,
my expectations
Are right here,
this high.
When I fall from here,
I sprain an ankle.
I limp away.
That's all.
If I fall from where
you're talking about--
Splat!
I'm splat the loser.
"oh, hey,
any words for us, splat?"
"oh, oh, it was great
just to be nominated."
I don't know.
No.
- Fine.
All right, fine.
We won't go.
God, raymond,
you're hopeless.
- You really think
I could win it?
- Honey, come on.
Look at the competition here,
all right?
Bill scheft.
He's already won twice,
so he's finished.
Chuck heaton's big story
this year was
"too much violence
in boxing."
Thanks for the scoop, chuck.
I mean, you're always telling me
what a hack ted stankovich is,
But, you know, most importantly,
I know you, ray.
I know your writing,
and listen, sweetie,
You are really,
really good.
You are. There is nobody
that's better than you, ray.
You are sportswriter
of the year.
- You--you did it.
You made me want it!
- Ray, this is so great.
Oh, my god, we're out,
we're with adults.
I didn't have to
cut anybody's meat,
You smell good.
- This was a mistake,
you know?
All this small talk
with people
Who couldn't
care less about me.
- Oh.
- It's torture.
Ray, look.
The skater, the skater.
- Excuse me,
are you ray barone?
- Yeah.
- I'm katarina witt.
- Hi.
Uh--wife.
- Hi. Debra.
I'm debra.
Oh, my gosh,
it is so great to meet you.
We are really
big fans of yours.
- Thank you very much.
Ray, I just wanted to say
how much I loved your article
About professionals
in the olympics.
- Oh, wow.
Thanks. Thanks.
- I think you're
a very good writer,
And I'm sure you're going
to win tonight,
So good luck.
- Well, thank you.
See?
Torture.
- What do you mean?
A beautiful, famous skater
has just told you
How much she loves
your work.
How can it be
better than that?
- I could be single.
Look, of course she's going
to say she likes my work.
She's a skater.
She's dizzy
from all of that spinning.
- You're right, ray.
I don't know why
I didn't think of that.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
If you'll all
take your seats,
It's time to begin.
- All right, I'm going to get
some fresh air.
I'm going to just
jump out that window.
- Oh, sit down,
you freak.
- Hey, ray barone!
Honey, come here.
This is marv albert.
- "yes!"
- Gee, I've never
heard that before.
- This is my wife, debra.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you.
- Cake throws off
her medications.
- Word is that you are
the odds-on favorite,
And, you know,
personally,
I've been such a huge fan
of yours over the years.
- Oh, thank you.
I appreciate that.
- Best of luck to you.
- Thank you.
- Marv albert thinks
I'm on medication.
- Odds-on favorite?
Big fan?
Oh, my god, I might have
a shot at this.
- And now,
to present the award
For sportswriter
of the year,
Mr. Marv albert.
[applause]
- Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
And now, the main event.
For the federated
press association's
Sportswriter of the year,
the nominees are--
Ted stankovich
of "the chicago tribune"--
- Hack, hack,
hack, hack.
- Bill scheft
of "the boston globe"--
- [gagging]
- I don't care.
I don't care.
- Chuck heaton of
"the cleveland plain dealer"--
- [blows raspberry]
- And ray barone
of "new york newsday".
- Whoo!
[whistles]
Go--
ray, stop.
Don't touch my hair.
- And the winner is--
- [whimpers]
- Look, ray, you're just
going to have to make
The best of this, honey.
I mean, something good's
going to come from this.
You'll see.
Ray, come on.
You know, ray,
You're sportswriter
of the year.
You know, when most people
win an award,
They don't look like
they're passing a stone.
- Yeah, well, you try
lifting this thing.
- Oh, oh,
the trophy's too big.
Is that the problem, ray?
- I don't know,
it's just--
It doesn't feel right.
- What's wrong with
winning an award?
- It's too good
to be true.
- But it is true!
- Then it can't
be that good.
- You are such a pessimist!
- I'm not a pessimist.
- Oh, no?
You are incapable of
seeing the good in anything.
What is that called?
- A realist.
And I can see the good
in a lot of things, okay?
How about last year
when we went skiing
And I didn't break
anything?
- That's because you sat
in the lodge the whole time,
Saying, "I don't want
to break anything."
- I enjoyed it
in my own way.
I liked
the hot chocolate.
Although, I hear now
that fake sweetener stuff
Will kill you.
It's crazy.
- Yeah, you're not
a pessimist, huh?
Listen, I know
how your head works.
I'm going to
prove it to you.
Listen, you say the first thing
that comes into your mind
When I say,
for instance, um--
Love.
- Wife?
- [snorts]
Uh, nice answer,
But it took a little too long
getting there.
I could tell you threw out,
like, 15 words
Before you got to "wife."
- They all meant "wife."
- Okay, you're not
supposed to think
Before you say
anything, okay?
- All right, all right.
I got it.
Okay.
Do it again.
- Okay.
Ice cream.
- Oh, I thought you were
going to say "love" again.
I was ready for "love."
- No, it's different
words, ray.
- All right, all right,
all right.
All right.
Go ahead.
- Ice cream.
- Fat.
- See?
Right to the negative.
All right.
Beach.
- Sunburn.
- Marriage.
- Counselor.
- Bad.
- Worse.
- Steak.
- Stroke.
- Sex.
- Twins.
- Think I've proved
my point.
I've proved my point.
- No, the twins are
a positive, all right?
Come on, hey,
maybe you're the one
Who's a little negative
around here.
- Oh, face it, ray,
You're a total pessimist.
- All right,
I'm a little pessimistic,
But I got it
under control, okay?
I can be optimistic
any time I want to.
- You are so classic.
You're in total denial.
I mean, look.
Look at this.
How can you
not enjoy this?
- It's really easy.
- [sighs]
This is not normal,
you know that?
You really have
a big problem.
- It's just I'm being careful,
that's all.
I--I always thought I was
just an occasional worrier.
You know, like a guy comes up
and says, "hello,"
And I'm thinking, "hey,
is this guy going to hit me?"
That kind of thing.
- Do you like
being this way?
- It's all I know.
- You know, it doesn't
have to be this way.
You can get better.
You can change.
But listen--
The first step
is admitting
That you have
a problem.
- All right.
I'm ray,
and I'm a pessimist.
- Hi, ray.
- Hey, everybody,
daddy's home.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- How was your day?
- Great!
Just great!
- Good.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
Well, dinner's
almost ready, so--
- Oh, great. Great.
Great. Great.
What are we having?
- Just assorted leftovers.
- Great!
I like variety.
- Yeah.
- Hey, sweetie.
[laughs]
hey.
- Daddy's face is weird.
- Yeah.
Gee, so, you're
in a good mood, huh?
- I'm in a great mood.
- Well, ray,
I'm proud of you.
You're really
being positive.
- Yeah.
I'm trying.
Isn't easy, though,
I'll tell you.
Today was one of
the toughest days of my life.
- Why?
- I got a promotion.
- Oh, my god!
That's wonderful!
Oh, sweetie!
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Congratulations!
- Yeah.
It's a big--
Good--
Thing.
- Yes! Yes!
Oh, see?
That award was good,
And something good
came from that, too.
- Right. Right.
Right.
I got to admit,
I almost had
Some negative thoughts
there, you know?
I was tempted to think
"promotion--
"more responsibility,
intense pressure,
Stomach ulcers, hair loss,
bleeding gums."
But I didn't.
- [laughs nervously]
- I didn't.
I just pushed those thoughts
right out of my mind,
And I thought,
"everything's great,
Because I'm coming
home to my family."
[banging and screaming]
Oh--huh.
- Oh, ray, this is really
a huge step for you.
- It is.
- Yeah.
- And, you know, even though
I got a promotion,
I'm going to look
at the bright side.
I--as a matter of fact,
you know what,
Forget about the leftovers.
Let's celebrate.
Let's order in, huh?
- Oh, great!
Yeah.
- And I'll get my parents,
And I'll tell them
to come over.
I mean, your parents
are always--
- Ah, ah, ah!
You're going to talk the talk,
you walk the walk.
- Yeah.
- Tck, tck, tck, tck!
- Okay.
Oh, great.
Just great.
- Here's another one.
"pellagra."
"characterized
by skin eruptions,
"digestive and nervous
system disturbances,
And eventual
mental deterioration."
- Eww.
That's disgusting.
- You want me
to keep going?
- Couple more.
- Ooh.
"impetigo."
- Hey. Hey, everybody.
What are you doing?
- Uh, just reading up
on diseases.
You got no idea
what's out there.
- We heard you won
your award thing.
Oh, that's
very nice, ray.
- Yeah, actually
it was great.
You know how I thought--
I didn't think
The dinner was going
to be a big deal?
Yeah, I met katarina witt
and marv albert.
- Was dimaggio there?
- No.
No, dad.
- Oh.
Well, at least you made
the sportswriter hall of fame.
- Well, actually,
it's sportswriter of the year.
- Oh.
Just the year.
- That's wonderful, dear.
How much did you win?
- I got a trophy, ma.
Big--big trophy.
- Oh?
- Oh.
- No cash?
- No. No, no.
Just the trophy.
But I'll tell you what,
because of that trophy--
- Oh, that's nice.
You got a nice trophy.
A nice gold trophy.
- Well, actually,
it's silver, ma.
- Well, I thought silver
was for second place.
Well, I'm sure
it's a very nice trophy.
- Yeah, you--
You bust your ass
all year long.
At least they could
throw you a few dollars.
- Dad, it's just--
it's more of a prestige thing.
- Yeah?
Take the prestige
thing to the market
And see how many
eggs you bring home.
- Hey.
What's going on?
- What are you
doing here?
- I took a sick day.
- What--what about
your perfect attendance?
- What, like I need
another little pin?
Well, I hear you won
the award last night.
- Yeah, yeah, I did,
and--and it was great.
And I don't care what
anybody thinks about it.
I feel good about it.
I thought something bad
was going to happen from this,
But, uh--you know what,
I got a promotion today.
- Promotion?
- Promotion?
- Gee, what a shock.
- They make you editor?
- No, dad.
- Why not?
- I'm head
of sports features.
And that's good.
That's good.
You know, most people think
an award and a promotion
Are good things.
I enjoy my work,
And I'm glad to be
recognized for it, okay?
And I don't--I'm going to
pat myself on the back
And feel good about it.
- Well, I must say, ray,
This is a side of you
that's not very attractive.
- What?
- Nobody likes a bragger.
What are you,
going uptown on us?
- You're really beginning
to get a swelled head.
We didn't bring you
up that way.
- I'm sorry.
I didn't--
You know,
I just thought I was--
Oh, no,
wait a minute!
What?
What?
What am I
apologizing for?
Look, all I'm doing
is being happy!
You know, maybe
everybody around here
Would be
a little bit happier
If you tried to see
the good in things
Instead of--
you just beat everything down!
- Well, what are you
yelling at us for?
Is this how you're going
to handle the new job?
- I got an award,
all right?
That's, you know,
that's good.
I got a promotion, too.
That's--that's good.
There's no bad here.
There's no bad--
They don't promote you
if you're bad.
If I was a pessimist
like them,
I would think it's bad,
but I am an optimist now.
I feel good
all the time.
Oh, look, it's raining.
Oh, that's--that's good
for the garden, isn't it?
- Why do people
who convert
Try to drag everyone
along with them?
- It's raining?
- It's raining.
But it's good
for the garden.
- Oh, honey, I shouldn't have
let you go over there.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, my god.
- No, two steps forward,
one step back.
- Yeah.
- What?
What's wrong with you?
- Oh, I think I have
some bad news, ray.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Your editor called.
There's this race,
And there's a girl
from long island,
A 13-year-old who's going
to be competing in it,
And he wants his new
head of sports features
To cover it.
- Yeah?
- It's the iditarod, ray.
It's in alaska.
- Oh.
- Are you okay?
- That's a two-week dogsled race
in 35-below weather.
Stankovich covered that
last year and lost a toe.
- Oh, my god.
I'm sorry.
It just sounds terrible.
- Yeah, it is.
It is.
- Then why are you smiling?
This isn't exactly
good news.
- Not exactly good news?
Honey, this is horrible!
I knew this was
going to happen.
- Then why aren't you upset?
- Because I was right!
Oh, god,
I was right!
I was walking around all day
pretending there wasn't
Going to be any bad news,
But here it is,
bad news!
Hello, old friend.
- Ray, ray,
come on, honey,
You're falling off
the wagon.
- No, no.
- Don't do it. Come on.
Sweetie--
- no, no, no!
I am a pessimist!
That's who I am!
It's in my blood!
This is where
I feel comfortable!
Oh, I'm back!
I'm back!
- You know, ray,
you are just sick!
You're not happy
unless you're miserable!
- Bingo!
Come on.
Come on, let's go have
some crummy leftovers,
And then after dinner,
we'll just sit like lumps,
And we'll watch
a stupid video.
- Yeah, well, the kids
broke the v.C.R.
- Ha ha!
- Yeah, honey.
Ah, as miserable
as it sounded,
It's even worse!
All right, I'll see you
in a week and a half.
Yeah, I still got my toes.
Okay, bye.
I love you too.
[kissing]
[muffled]
oh, honey, don't hang up!
Don't hang up!
My lips are stuck
to the phone!
Hello?
I knew this would happen.