Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 1, Episode 17 - The Game - full transcript

- Michael asleep?
- Finally. I tried everything.

Read to him, I rocked him.
He kept looking at me like:

"Is that all you got? Is that it?"

ESPN. Nothing quite like it.

Nothing even comes close.

Well, ESPN 2.

You know, Ray,
could you at least look at me...

before you settle in
for three hours of television?

I looked at you when I came in.

- What's going on?
- There you go.

Oh, no. Come on.



- Come on, I can't believe this.
- Look.

Try pressing the on/off button
and tapping the cable box with the remote.

Now hit the back of the set.

Now rub the sides with your hands.

Little harder.

Getting excited?

Oh, you're very funny. Yeah.
You're jealous. That's what you are.

Come on, what's going on?
I hate this cable company.

Come on, Ray, it's just television.
It's not the end of the world.

Your TV's out, too?

Sweet mother of God!

Come on, Ray. You'll just sit here
and wait for the cable to come back on?

How long can it be out for?
I mean, this is crazy.

- It's only been two minutes.
- Yeah.



If your finger was stuck in a car door,
would you say:

"It's been only two minutes?" No.

- What?
- I like TV.

Look, why don't we just sit and talk?

Why? What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. When is the last time
that you and I just sat here and talked?

The last time that something was wrong.

All right. Just forget it.

Look, Debra, I work all day.
When I come home, I want to relax.

And talking to me isn't relaxing?

- Okay. We'll talk.
- Good.

So go ahead.

- No. That's what you always do.
- What?

You always say, "Let's talk,"
and then you throw it to me.

If you say, "Let's talk,"
then you should have topics ready.

I'm not good when I'm just expected to talk.

- Expected to talk?
- Yeah.

I'm good with regular talk, you know,
like, "These pants are itchy."

"Hey, get down from there."
Those things, but this...

So talking to me
is what you have a problem with?

No, I love talking to you.

Come on, I'd rather talk to you
than do anything.

Hey, you know what we could do?

- No. I don't think so.
- I think so.

- Why?
- Because, it's...

It's what? It's a man and a woman
just showing their love for one another.

Maybe even showing it downstairs this time.

Ray, I'm not having sex with you
just because the cable's out.

That's not just why.

I meant to tell you.
I wanted to when I came in. Remember?

Come on, you remember.
When I looked at you.

All right, I'll tell you what.

When the cable comes back on,
I will be happy to show my love for you.

All right. When that cable comes back on,
you got a deal.

All right.

But I'll be thinking of you.

- Michael still up?
- Yep.

- He's going to be a mess tomorrow.
- Yeah, but what does he have tomorrow?

"Let's see,
I got a crayon up my nose at 11:00.

"And at 1:30, Geoffrey and I
got to run around the house naked, yelling:

"'Ladle, ladle, ladle!"'

- You got TV yet?
- No.

- You?
- I can't stand it.

Without cable,
I got nothing to live for over there.

He's driving me crazy.

It's like someone went into the ape cage
and took out the tire swing.

- Why can't we just talk to each other?
- That's exactly what I've been saying.

- We haven't had a conversation in 35 years.
- I didn't want to interrupt.

Hey, you called the cable company?

Didn't you?

You look up the number,
I'll get the phone ready.

Get the phone ready?

- Give me.
- Here. Come on.

Look, if it's busy, dial 911.

Hello. Yeah, hi. Our cable's out.

320 Fowler. Really?

- What?
- They didn't know about it.

- They didn't know about it.
- Deep breaths, Frank.

Okay, all right. Thanks. Hey, hurry.

The cable's out.

It's in the Bible, next comes locusts.

I'll tell you, it's a cop's worst nightmare.

Cable goes out, people get edgy.

Thank God this isn't the summer.

You take away a man's TV
during the heat wave...

you might as well pack up the canned goods
and just head for the basement.

So, who wants to rent a movie tonight?

That's not a bad idea. It's not TV,
but at least you got the TV going.

There you go.

You know what
I wouldn't mind seeing again?

Beaches.

I would mind that.
I would mind that very much.

Well, forget about the movie.
Let's do something else.

- Let's play a game.
- Oh, yeah.

- Hey, I'd be up for that.
- Game?

That's a very good idea, Marie.

It's about time we did something
together as a family for once.

You really want to play, like, a board game?

I don't like games.

Follow the rules, pay attention,
wait your turn...

it's just like work, dressed up like play.

Come on, Ray, I really want to do this.

Or you know what?
We could just sit and talk.

Let's play a game.

What does everybody want to play?

- How about Scruples?
- No, we don't have that one, Robert.

I gave it to you for Christmas,
two years ago.

Oh, yes. Scruples.

- Here it is. Remember this, Ray?
- Yeah, the one in the box.

- Yeah. Let's play this. We love this.
- The shrink-wrap is still on it.

"Gee, thanks, Robert. Thanks for the gift.
You have such great taste."

You can't even take off the shrink-wrap
to play what I gave you.

- Come on, Robert.
- No. I'm fine.

Let's just play, shall we?

Okay.

- "Give each player five red cards."
- What are you doing?

- I'm reading the rules.
- Just play!

"Give each player five red cards.

"Each red card has a moral question on it.
For example:

"'You are hungry and broke,
do you steal food?"'

Your family wants to play a game.
Do you set yourself on fire to get out of it?

"Give each player a blue card
with a yes or no answer."

Okay. Let me do that
'cause I'm good at cards.

"Take turns posing a question
to another player.

"If another player's answer
matches your answer card...

"then you get to discard that question.
The object of the game...

"is to discard all of your..."
Dad, will you stop?

- Just start the game. Let's play. That's all.
- No, but there's more rules.

You know what?
We'll just learn as we play, Robert. Okay?

- All right.
- Okay. Right.

- Marie, my question's for you.
- Great. See? This is fun.

"You were a famous movie star in the 1950s.

"But now you are strapped for cash.

"You are invited to endorse
a diaper for bladder control on TV.

"Do you?"

Why did you ask me that question?
You think I have that problem?

What? No, I just...

- You think I'm old?
- No.

I need a match and a cup of gasoline.

I'm not answering you, Debra.

Ma, you're the one who wanted
to play this game.

This isn't play. This is a personal attack.

- It's a question, Marie.
- A question about my old bladder.

I'll tell you what she'd do.
Not only would she take the money...

she'd model the damn thing.

I certainly would not.

I would endorse the product
if I used them myself.

All right. Could we ask another question?

'Cause I got to knock
the last couple of images out of my head.

- If you used them, you would admit to it?
- It's the right thing to do.

- All of a sudden you have scruples.
- I got scruples, Marie.

I got scruples the size of basketballs.

- What answer card did you have, Debra?
- I had a "yes" card, so I guess I lose.

That's right, you lose. You have to get
another card. That's what you get.

Ray, look, he's up again.
Could you go check on him?

- I'll go.
- No, Dad. I want to go.

I'm going.

Okay. It's my turn.

Oh, this question.
This question's for Raymond.

"Someone has taken your umbrella
out of the cloakroom.

"It's a rainy day,
and there's another one sitting there.

"Do you take it?"

No. I would not take someone's umbrella.

I wish to challenge you.

- Challenge?
- Challenge. It's right here in the rules.

Oh, that's right.
You didn't want to hear the rules.

Challenge. I get 20 seconds to convince
everybody that you're not telling the truth...

and then you get 20 seconds
to lie some more.

And then we vote.

Why would I lie?

Why would you lie?

I recall a rainy day...

1967...

I was on my way to school...

and Mom yelled,
"Robbie, don't forget your rubber boots."

But those boots were nowhere to be found.

- You know why, Raymond?
- I didn't touch your boots.

When I showed up to school,
the kids called me "Sasquish."

Because of your thievery, I was humiliated.

Victimized.

I felt that from that day forward,
I would do whatever I had to to fight crime.

And so today, I am a police officer.

Okay. Now you have 20 seconds. Go!

I did not take your rubber boots, Robert.

That's it.

- That's all. I'm done.
- Time.

Shall we vote?

Everyone who agrees with me,
that Raymond the Boot Thief...

would take someone's umbrella,
please raise your hand.

Mom?

I can't vote against one of my sons.

Okay. Taking Raymond's side.
That's typical.

- What are you doing?
- Thank you, Debra.

- What is this?
- What?

Come on, Ray.
You didn't make much of an argument.

Why would I lie about taking his galoshes?

Well, you lied about
how much you love talking to me.

Well, I'm not crazy about it right now, either.

- I think Frank needs some help.
- That kid's got an attitude problem.

- What did you do, Frank?
- Nothing.

I just did a little peekaboo with him.

Peekaboo!

- I remember that.
- Yeah, me, too.

Don't do that.

All right. What's happening with the game?

We caught Ray lying.

- I didn't lie.
- Remember when he took my boots?

Yeah. That's right.
"Cheaters never prosper."

- This ain't such a bad game after all.
- So now you're glad we played?

Yes, because not only does this game
teach moral values...

it brings families together.

That's what's happening here.
And what can be more important than that?

- We got something.
- Get out of the way.

- We got something.
- Holy crap, come on, baby!

- Come on.
- Barnaby Jones.

Follow the line.

All right. Whose frigging turn is it?

You cable people stink.
And I'll tell you something else.

However long the cable is out,
I'm going to take twice that much off my bill.

You lousy crooks!

That was the first nice lady
I've spoken to up there.

I think Michael's finally asleep.
Whose turn is it? Come on.

It's mine. All right.

- This question is for Ray.
- Sure it is.

"Your elderly mother lives all by herself
and asks if she can move in with you.

"Do you agree?"

What?

"Your elderly mother lives all by herself
and asks if she can move in with you.

"Do you agree?"

- Wait a minute. Let me see that card.
- Don't, Frank. Stop!

Wait, Frank! Come on! No!
Robbie! Stop it! No! Come on!

"A coworker has bad breath.
Do you tell her?"

- Marie!
- You made up a question?

Well, now we know
where Raymond gets his dishonesty.

Am I the only one with principles?

Just answer the question.
Would you take me in?

I'm not answering that question.
It's an unofficial question, Ma.

I'm all alone. Where do I go?

- Wait a minute. What happened to me?
- You passed away.

What? I died? How did I die?

We'll see.

The man always dies first, that's just a fact.
So do you take me in?

You know, I don't think
this is really the time. Right, Ray?

- What about me?
- What about you, dear?

- Why can't you live with me when Dad dies?
- Excuse me. I'm still here!

I'm still in the room!

This is hypothetical, Robbie.

For this question,
let's just say I only have one son.

What else is new?

So what would you do?

All right, Ma, you can come in with us,
okay? Can you stop this now?

That's the answer I wanted to hear.
Thanks, dear.

Okay. Let's go on with the game.

Maybe it's not that I died.

Maybe I just sort of took off.

Bought a boat and now I'm sailing.

- With your bridge partner Harriet Lippman.
- What?

The sea air is so invigorating.

Harriet.

How can you tell your mother
that she could move in here with us?

So we could keep playing the game,
that's all. This great game.

She's going to take it seriously.

How can you make
such a decision by yourself?

There was no decision.
I was answering a question.

I know you don't like talking to me, Ray...

but I thought that at least we would
discuss it when this situation came up.

So you're not crazy
about her moving in? Okay.

- I'm not talking to you.
- For the love of Mike, I was just kidding.

There's a reason you included
Harriet Lippman in your sick fantasy.

Yes, to get you mad.

Well, I may be moving in
sooner than I planned.

He's awake again.

Debra, you mind if I go upstairs
and try to calm him down?

- Sure, Robert.
- Thanks. Lot of tension down here.

All right. Let's get this over with.

"While your mate is off snorkeling,
you're relaxing in the resort hot tub.

"A sexy stranger starts playing
footsie with you.

"Do you withdraw your foot?"

Yes, of course.

What the hell was that?

What?

- What was that pause before you answered?
- I didn't pause.

Yes, you did.

Yeah, you went like this, you went...

What was that?

Ray, if I paused,
it was just to picture you snorkeling.

You know, you're so obvious.

You're just mad at me
because of the other thing.

- What other thing?
- Nothing.

You moving in.

Is that why Debra followed you
in the kitchen, to yell at you?

No.

Talk about pauses.

I'll take a lighter and a can of hair spray.

- What did you say to him in there?
- Ray's the one that said it.

I'm not saying anything anymore.
No more questions.

- When your mother showed up...
- You had a problem with my mother?

- A horrible woman.
- That woman was a saint!

You let her move in
without discussing it with me.

Inchworm, inchworm

Measuring the marigolds

You enjoy arithmetic

You'll certainly go far

Inchworm, inchworm

Measuring the marigolds

Seems to me, you'd stop and see

How beautiful they are

You know who used to sing you to sleep
with that song?

- My mother!
- A horrible woman!

- Come on. Why do you start?
- She was a saint!

I didn't like her but I still took her in,
not like some people.

Marie, I like you, damn it! I like you!

Please, can we play quietly?
I just put the kid to bed.

I don't want to play with this group.
I've seen too much here tonight.

What are you talking about?

You lied. You made up questions.
The game is called Scruples. Scruples!

- You Raymond Barone?
- Yeah.

- I'm from Lindberg Cable.
- Oh, finally.

Oh, God. This is great.

Well, it's not great for you.

You've got an illegal cable splitter
on your roof.

- I do?
- You didn't know nothing about it, right?

And it's a real cheap one.
That's why your cable service went out.

- Ray, I'm surprised at you.
- What did you do, Ray?

I didn't do anything.
I don't even know what a splitter is.

It splits your signal
and sends it somewhere else.

And in this case,
right across the street to that house.

Where are you going?

I was just going to get some cocoa.

- You've been stealing cable?
- You're stealing cable from your own son?

Sharing.

Look, you seem like you're a nice family.
I'm sure you're going to work this all out.

But right now you're looking at $2,500 fine.

Have a good evening.

Hey, wait a minute, pal.

It was an honest mistake.
Maybe I can make it right.

Don't look at me like that.

You cannot judge me
until you've walked in my shoes.

That brings up an interesting point, Dad.

What size shoes would those be?
About a 12, right?

So what?

Robert, when you were 11,
what sizes galoshes did you wear?

Twelve.

No more games!

Don't worry. When I move in here,
we'll play games all the time.

Okay, now that the cable's back on...

- I'm going to go upstairs and go to sleep.
- All right.

Unless you want to collect on our deal.

Commercial!