Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 1, Episode 16 - Diamonds - full transcript

-Hey, thanks for that interview, Barry.
-No problem.

Excuse me, do you have change
for the phone?

Sure, yeah.

What, do you need me to break a million?

Come on. What's with you reporters
always getting on me about my salary?

It's funny, calling $7 million a salary.

What do you make?

That's kind of personal.

Exactly.

But what you make is news,
because it's so gigantic.

What do you make, really?
About, say, $50,000 a year?



Yeah, about that.

Okay, that's two columns a week,
about eight columns a month.

About $500 a column.

-lt is?
-Yeah, it's $1 a word.

For every little word like "the" and "a,"
if you hit the letter "a," it's $1.

I guess I'm doing all right then.

-You see?
-Yeah.

Can I borrow a quarter for the phone?

-Here, take two.
-Thanks.

Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long lsland
with my wife Debra.

She's great with the kids,
the house, everything.

I don't know how she does it.

We've got a daughter Ally...

and twin two-year-old boys.



It's not really about the kids.

My parents live across the street.

That's right.

And my brother lives with them.

Now, not every family
would go by on a conveyor belt for you...

but mine would because--

Everybody loves Raymond.

Yeah.

-Hey.
-Hey.

-Want some sandwich?
-Hey!

No, it's okay.

Ma, I need construction paper.
Ally's making valentines for school.

I used to love Valentine's Day.
Then I met your father.

I used to love every day.

Anybody see today's paper?

-Why? What's up?
-I'm in it.

"Large male seeks any woman."

I discontinued my ad.

And I happen to have a girlfriend now,
thank you very much.

-It's in the Metro section.
-Let me see.

Here you are.

Do you see who's at the other end
of those handcuffs?

My God. Leon.

Look, Frank, your friend, Leon.

You arrested Leon? My Leon?

Technically, now
the State of New York's Leon.

I've known this guy 40 years.

Since when is it a crime
to sell merchandise...

at far below wholesale prices?

You should've seen his warehouse.

Fake designer luggage,
imitation jewelry, "Macin-tush" computers.

Hey, wait a minute.

Didn't you buy
my engagement ring from Leon?

Relax. He assured me it's a one-of-a-kind,
flawless diamond.

-That's a fake.
-It's a fake?

How do you know that's a fake?

Because I have 300 more exactly like them
down at the station.

I want another ring, Frank.

You lived 40 years with that one,
you can live another 10.

I don't think so, Frank. I'm going shopping.

You'll be amazed at your generosity.

-Oh, my God.
-What?

-Debra's ring is from Leon, too.
-You went to Leon?

I listened to him.

I was just trying to get more for my money.

I wanted to get Debra a ring
that she could show her mother.

And Leon threw in a set of golf clubs.

I got snow tires.

What did I do? I can't have Debra think...

I didn't care enough about her
to go to a real jeweler.

-She's wearing glass!
-It's not glass. It's glassette.

I gotta do what's right.

I gotta replace her stone with another one.
A real one.

I'll spend $1,000 if I have to,
that's all, $2,000.

$2,000 for a diamond?

-Hey, I know another guy--
-No more guys.

You're just gonna have to tell your wife...

you purchased her
a discount engagement ring from a crook.

I can't let her find out.
She's going to think I'm a slimeball.

I'll have to steal it from her.

-Hey, here you go.
-Oh, good.

Thanks, Daddy.

Hey, look at all these valentines.

-Where's Daddy's?
-You gotta get yours from Mommy.

-I've been trying to get mine from her for--
-All right.

I got your valentine right here.

I love you.

I love you? A little wine with lunch?

Well, tomorrow's Valentine's Day.

Sweetie, did you know that Daddy asked me
to marry him on Valentine's Day?

What did you say?

Well, I thought about it,
but I said "yes" anyway.

I love your daddy very much.

And I love Mommy.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Let me help you with that.

What are you doing here?

-Did you get the ring yet?
-No. She never takes it off.

I'm going to need a bone saw.

Just don't say anything, all right? Nothing.

Yeah, it's all about you, Raymond.

Debra, I have to ask your advice
on something.

-Sure, Robert.
-I've been out with Amy on four dates now.

Am I obligated to get her something
for Valentine's Day?

Well, if it helps you,
she's getting you something.

-That doesn't help me.
-No.

-You know what her favorite color is?
-Green, I think.

Green? Good. What does she weigh?

I don't know.

But you know what?
Most women like jewelry.

Yeah, jewelry's a great gift.
Isn't it, Raymond?

You really can't go wrong with jewelry.

Ally, let's get some envelopes for these.

What are you talking about jewelry for?

She brought it up.

Debra.

Honey.

Have you been gaining weight?

Hi.

Want to play Baker in the Mineshaft?

Okay.

But I get to be the baker this time.

-Good morning.
-Morning.

-Hey, that was fun last night.
-Yeah.

You're very romantic, Ray.
I love the way you kept holding my hand.

Yeah, that's the way I do it.

Ray.

What?

-Happy Valentine's Day.
-Yeah.

You, too.

Can you hand me a towel, Ray?

Ray?

Amy, help me look.

-I just came by.... What are we looking for?
-My engagement ring.

I might not be the best person to help.

I've spent the last 10 years
looking for an engagement ring.

It couldn't have just disappeared. I mean....

You know what they say,
"lt'll be the last place you look."

Of course it'll be the last place I look...

because once I find it,
I won't have to look for it anymore.

-I'm sorry, I'm just a little--
-Bitchy?

Yeah.

Maybe I'll do the kitchen again.

Saw your car.

Thought I'd say hi to Debra before our date.

Hi, Debra, what are you doing?

She can't find her ring.

I don't know anything about it.

Here. Happy Valentine's Day.

Thank you.

It's a tie.

See the pattern? I picked it out just for you.

Little guns.

Smith & Wesson 686,
with a two-pound trigger pull.

Standard police issue.

I love it.

Okay, all right.

And here, that's for you.

Oh, Robert.

Look, Debra, Robert got me something.

Yeah, good for you.

If anybody needs me,
I'll be in the den pulling up carpeting.

Hope you like it.

Oh, my.

Surprise. It's an iguana.

With an iguana,
you really don't have to say "surprise."

Yeah. Debra told me
that green was your favorite color...

and, you know, the iguanas
are the most loyal of all the reptiles, and....

Check him out.

He's a lovely guy. He's very, very docile.

Did you find my ring?

Just a lizard.

Honey?

Debra?

Ray?

Hi.

Here you go. Happy, you know....

These are beautiful.

I cried, too.

Roses are twice as much on Valentine's Day.

Listen, Ray...

I have something to tell you.

I've looked everywhere, but l....

I think I've lost my engagement ring.

All right, don't worry.
I'm sure it will turn up.

Did you look in the sofa?

I don't think I'm going to find it.

God, I knew this was
going to happen one day.

-All right. Don't worry.
-No, listen, Ray.

I have a confession to make to you.

Right after we got engaged...

I had the original stone replaced.

What?

Honey, when you asked me to marry you...

I was so happy, believe me, but...

that diamond.... I mean....

I knew you got the best stone
you could afford, bless your heart, but....

You know, my parents weren't that crazy
about you to begin with, and...

I didn't want to show them that stone.

I understand.

You know my grandmother, Abby?
She'd given me her ring years before...

so I put that stone in your setting.

Do you remember how much it was worth?
Just ballpark?

Sweetie, it's not important.

How important is it not?

-What?
-How much was old Abby's stone worth?

$15,000.

I could just kill myself, Ray.

This could be a murder-suicide.

-I gotta keep looking for it.
-Yeah.... No, stop looking.

Listen, we have to be realistic, okay?
The ring is gone.

All right? Listen.

You made a mistake, that's all.
Everybody makes a mistake.

You know, you're lucky...

'cause you're married to a guy
who doesn't care about those things.

Don't lift that cushion.
Stop torturing yourself!

It's gone, that's all. Look....

You know what we both could use
right now?

Pie.

Let's have a little pie with....

Okay, you're right.
I gotta stop thinking about it.

Maybe it's in the....
Oh, my God, you found it!

Give it to me. Oh, God!

-Oh, Ray.
-Yeah.

What a happy moment now.

Oh, sweetie, come here.

When you first gave me this ring...

I just knew
we were going to be together forever.

Keep that in mind.

You put it on me, okay? Go on, put it on.

-Oh, my God.
-There you go.

What did you do?

I meant well.

You changed the stone in my ring.
Where is my grandmother's diamond?

Just like Grandma.

Gone.

-You threw it out?
-I didn't know that it was a $15,000 diamond.

I thought it was just a piece of junk.

So you knew that the first ring
you bought me was a piece of junk?

I was trying to get you more
for the money, that's all.

-This is your fault, anyway.
-My fault?

That's right.

If you had just been honest enough
to tell me that you changed it...

then I wouldn't have had to
steal it from you.

Well, you're a great thief, Ray.
You just threw out $15,000.

Who did you get this stone from? Leon?

How dare you?

-How could you do this to me?
-Because I was trying to fix the whole thing!

Why, after eight years,
did you try to fix it now?

Because I love you!

-Why did you change it eight years ago?
-Because I love you!

Mommy, Daddy.

Honey, you're supposed to be
getting ready for bed now.

Look what I found in my backpack.

What is it?

A valentine.

Kenny gave it to me.

-That's really sweet, honey.
-It's stuck with gum.

Kenny blew a big bubble
and put it in there for me.

-He must really like me.
-Yeah, that's sweet.

Why don't you go up and get ready for bed,
and we'll be right there, okay?

Look at that.
A wad of gum on a piece of paper.

Yeah.

Cheap bastard.

Can we take a break?

-My eyes are burning.
-Not until we find the diamond.

Here's a ring finger.