Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 1, Episode 14 - Who's Handsome? - full transcript

I can't believe you.

Somebody just drops by
and you've got homemade cookies.

You're amazing.

Yeah, Amy, I'm amazing.

I can turn on the oven
and cut up a log of dough.

I never get that far.

I just peel back the plastic
and eat it like a banana.

Look at your life. You've got it all.

Honey, I think that rash is back.

Hi, I didn't mean you.

Ray, you remember my friend Amy.



Yeah, Amy.

From where you used to work, right?
Yeah, Hi.

Ray, I bought this pudding for the kids.

I know, I like it. It helps me when I write.

-Where did you leave the spoon?
-I didn't have a spoon.

-How did you eat it?
-Just like an oyster.

Okay, good.

There you go.

You are so lucky.

Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long lsland
with my wife Debra.

She's great with the kids,
the house, everything.

I don't know how she does it.

We've got a daughter Ally...

and twin two-year-old boys.



It's not really about the kids.

My parents live across the street.

That's right.

And my brother lives with them.

Now, not every family
would go by on a conveyor belt for you...

but mine would because--

Everybody loves Raymond.

Yeah.

-So, Amy, what's new with you?
-I just got the corner office--

No, pass that.
Get to the good stuff, the dating scene.

You don't wanna go back there, Deb.

I feel like one of those things
on the salad bar that nobody touches...

-'cause it's been sitting out there too long.
-No.

Come on, all you need
is a little spritz of water.

-You should be more assertive.
-That's not me.

Maybe I'll just wait for one of you guys.

-Hey.
-Hey, Robert.

-Hello.
-Robert, this is my friend Amy.

We used to work at the PR firm together.
This is Robert, Ray's brother.

Ray's brother?

Listen, Debra, once again it's that time
of year where I have to ask you...

to look deep into your hearts and pockets...

to pledge your continued support
for those of us who risk our lives for you.

-Yeah, sure, Robert. How much?
-Let me finish.

A $20 pledge enables us
to upgrade our equipment...

fund our Community Outreach Program...

and provide our canine division
with crunchy treats.

Thank you.

I've got $20.

Thank you, ma'am, for your generosity.

The contribution entitles you
to a reflective decal.

Thank you.

-How long have you been a police officer?
-Fifteen years.

Robert's a sergeant.

Hey, you made cookies?
I love it when you bake.

So, you're a police sergeant.
Your wife must get worried sick about you.

No, not as sick as she used to.
We're divorced.

I'm sorry.

No. It's all for the best.

I'm much happier now than I used to be.

I just have so much respect
for people in your line of work.

It's just hours of boredom interrupted
by moments of unbelievable horror.

I'm glad you're here. I got a light out
on the ceiling and don't have a ladder.

-Sure.
-Come on.

No, Robert, you stay here.
I'll you help change it.

You? You're a shrimp.

How many times am I gonna have
to throw you up there?

Come here, Ray.

-Why? What's going on?
-What do you mean?

Can't you see there's
chemistry happening in there?

Chemistry? Look,
Robert's not ready for chemistry, okay?

He could blow up now.

He's still gun-shy from his divorce.

But it's been a year since his wife left him.

She didn't just leave him.
She left him for a guy he arrested, okay?

You don't get over that fast.

No, this isn't gonna happen.

-You know, maybe we can make it happen.
-No. I'm not doing that.

See, now, that's sad. She's laughing at him.

Okay, Amy. I guess I'll give you a call.

-That'd be great. I look forward to it.
-Yeah.

-Thanks again for the decal.
-Yeah.

You okay, Robert?

I've never seen him that happy.

-Hey.
-Daddy.

You remember that boy Ally likes, Tommy,
who would never talk to her?

Ally was just telling me
some very exciting news.

-What?
-He talked to me today.

That's great, honey. What did he say?

"Stop talking to me."

That means he likes you.

-Hey, squirt.
-Hi.

Oh, her.

-Hey, Debra.
-Hey, Robert.

I talked to your friend this evening,
and looks like we're going out.

Robert, that's great. Good for you.

I gotta get out of this.

Come on, you're nervous
'cause you haven't dated for a while.

I'm not nervous. I just want out.

Come on, you got plenty of good excuses.
You're a cop.

Here's one. Tell her you got shot.

Would you sit down?
He should go out with her.

Not if he doesn't like her.
You don't even know if he likes her.

Do you like her, Robert?

-I felt a stirring.
-That's terrific.

You should. Amy's a wonderful girl.
What is it that you're worried about?

All right. It's just that I've been
out of the loop for a while.

Well, most of the women I talk to
are in handcuffs.

And then, half of them turn out to be men.

Listen, you'll be fine. Just relax.

-That's not possible.
-Listen, I got advice for you.

When you pick her up,
you got to remember that you're off duty.

So when you open up the car door for her,
don't push her head down like this.

You don't wanna do that.

All right, thanks. That's great, Raymond.
I appreciate it.

You have a fascinating job. Talk about that
'cause Amy's obviously interested.

No, listen, on the first date,
it doesn't matter what you do on the date.

It all comes down to saying good night.

Are you gonna kiss her good night,
or is it gonna be a handshake?

You can't assume that she wants a kiss,
so this is what I do.

When the moment arrives,
you kind of lean in a little.

You've got to see
if she's gonna respond to it.

Don't go too far, though.

Once you reach a certain point,
you got to go in, you're committed.

Then, if she's not expecting a kiss,
you got to whisper something in her ear.

"Boy, it's humid."

Okay, I appreciate all the advice.

-lt still won't help me with my problem.
-What is it, Robert?

Amy's a lovely girl, you know,
she's feminine...

delicate, attractive.

And look at me.

You really can't change that.

What are you talking about, Robert?
You're a very good-looking guy.

Nah, I'm the Hulk.

Come on, Robert, you're not green.

I'm not comfortable with my appearance.

Never have been.

You are being silly.
I mean, you're very attractive.

You're tall, dark, and handsome.
That's what every woman wants.

-Debra, you're just saying that.
-No, listen, I've always felt that way.

-Yeah, see? There you go, Robert.
-Yes.

In fact, of all the Barones,
I'd say that you were the most....

What?

The most tallest and the most darkest.

-What were you gonna say?
-Nothing.

I'm just telling Robert how attractive he is.

Thank you, Debra.

If you'll excuse me,
I have a date with Miss Amy.

Boy, it's humid.

Would you two like to be alone?

-I got an ingrown thing, I can't....
-Yeah.

Ray, is this because of what
I said downstairs about Robert?

Downstairs, about Robert?
Something about how handsome he is?

How if you could do it all over again,
you'd marry him?

Come on, I never said anything like that.

You were about to, but you stopped...

when you saw the wart hog
you're stuck with for life sitting next to you.

-You don't think I think you're attractive?
-I do.

I just never knew that you thought
Robert was more attractive.

Let me tell you, I grew up with Robert.
I've seen parts of him that aren't so pretty.

I've been in a tub with this guy.

Honey, listen, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you were so sensitive
about your looks.

Who said that? I never said that.

-It's the teeth, right?
-What?

Yeah. Not all the teeth.
The top teeth are okay.

But the bottom teeth, look.

Ugly, right?

Well, that.

There, see? I knew it.

I'm a lot better-looking with a suntan.

I don't believe this.

Shouldn't look at my face when it's relaxed.

'Cause I'm a lot better-looking
when it's flexed.

You know, it's hard to talk like this.

Please keep it flexed then.

Look, Ray, I'm really sorry.
You know, I just misspoke.

You're the more attractive one.
I mean that. I really do.

So can we just, you know,
forget this whole thing, all right?

Just go to sleep, okay?

Good night.

It's the pores on my nose, right?

The pores on your nose?

Yeah, I got these pores. They're large.

They're large pores.

They're regular pores, Ray.
You just think they're large because you....

Because?

Because they're on my large nose.

No, honey, come on.

No, that's okay. I don't want your pity.

-Raymond. Hello, dear.
-Hi, Ma.

-Here, thanks for the thing here.
-You're welcome, sweetheart.

-Are you hungry?
-No.

What are you looking at the toaster for?
Want some toast?

-I got raisin bread.
-No, Ma, I'm not hungry.

-Listen, Ma.
-Yeah.

-Can I ask you something?
-Anything, dear.

-How do I look to you?
-Why? Are you sick?

-You don't look so good.
-Ma.

No, you don't look good.
You're pale, and your eyes are sunken in.

-What's the matter?
-Nothing.

Don't lie to me Raymond. You look awful.

-Have some raisin toast.
-Ma, stop it. I'm not sick, okay?

This is how I always look. But thank you.

So then, what is it?

I was just wondering,
between Robert and me--

Where is Robert? He called last night.
He said he wasn't coming home.

-Yeah, he had a date.
-He did?

-Yeah.
-Robert had a date?

Who is she?
I would've ironed his shirt for him.

They could've eaten here.
I would've made something special.

-Why didn't he tell me he had a date?
-Because of this.

I'm glad he had a date, at least.

I mean, he's been moping around here
ever since the divorce.

I mean, such a waste.
He's such a good-looking boy.

-So, you think so, too?
-Of course. Who doesn't?

Everybody used to say
what a beautiful boy your brother was.

What about me?

You're adorable.

Adorable. Like a hamster.

No. Like a person.

But your brother used to turn heads.

He always had that sort of old-fashioned,
movie star look...

Iike Valentino.

I see. So, he's Valentino and I'm Fievel.

No, sweetheart,
both my boys are gorgeous...

in their own way.

But I think that Robert
sort of takes after me a bit more...

whereas you favor your father.

Marie...

what's the difference between
a bunion and a corn?

Do you know that your son here
doesn't think he's good-looking?

What do you mean,
you're not good-looking?

You look like me.

There you go.

Do you know that Robert is still out
on his date from last night?

Hey, great. Back in the saddle?

I want to turn his room into a study.

A study?
What are going to study? Your feet?

All right, I'm going, okay? Thanks, Ma.

You shouldn't be jealous of your brother.

-Consider all the wonderful things you have.
-I know.

Actually, you should be proud that you have
a brother who's so classically handsome.

Robert's classically handsome?

What world are we in?

Come on, Ray. Everybody knows
Robert's the looker in the family.

Everybody knows this?

Robert didn't know.

We didn't tell him because
we didn't want him to get a big head.

We didn't wanna screw him up.

That worked out well.

Any one of you happen to catch
the sunrise this morning?

Beautiful.

You had a date. I didn't know.

Good for you.

It's about time. It's like riding a bike, huh?

No, there was no cycling.

Amy is 100% lady.

We spent the evening
enjoying fine food, conversation...

and we split a clip at the shooting range.

-Good. I'm glad it worked out for you.
-How was your night, cubby?

-You don't look so good.
-Yeah, I know.

-What's with him?
-He's just sensitive.

Yeah, but he's such a great kid.

Raymond is the kindest,
sweetest boy in the world.

The kind of son that every mother hopes for.

Right.

-Hello.
-Hi. I'm glad you're here. Look at this.

Chocolate pudding, spaghetti sauce,
and grape juice.

It's like a prison riot here.

Thank God they're all asleep.

-Honey, what did you do?
-Nothing.

-What did you do to your--
-It's my normal hair. Don't touch it.

-You have a tan, don't you?
-No.

-You do.
-No.

You went to one of those places.

For health reasons.

What? I look good, though, right?

You know, it's nice, but....

-What is this whole.... What was that?
-No, it's nothing.

-What was that?
-It's nothing.

-Let me see.
-They're personal products.

Oh, my God. What is this?

Hair gel? Hair mousse?

Hair volumizer?

Hair volumizer. It makes my hair louder.

What is all this stuff? Deep pore cleanser.

Clarifying lotion?
Do you even know what this stuff is for?

That's why I got the clarifier.

-They saw you coming, honey.
-No they didn't, l....

They're experts in there.
They all have lab coats on.

I thought all this stuff was for women,
but they got a whole line of crap for men.

Ray, you are completely out of your mind.

I say one thing about your brother...

and you turn into George Hamilton.

Okay, but I look better now, right?

Still not as good as Robert, right?

As good as Robert?

You said that he was the handsome one.

Yes, Robert's handsome,
but he's not who I'm attracted to.

Then, who is it?

It used to be you, Ray.

Come on, what do you think?
All this stuff makes you sexy?

This stuff is not you, Ray.

And that's not what I want.
I want my regular Ray.

That's the Ray I've always wanted.

Are you saying, then, that I'm sexy?

I think I might need a little more convincing.

God, who did your hair, Jiffy Lube?

It's the Deluxe Finisher model.

You know what I feel like doing right now?

Yeah? I got something for that, too.

I found our song the other day.

Song? What? Oh, no.

No dancing.

Come on, Ray.

Come on, baby. Move it.

I thought you wanted me to feel better
about myself.

You know what?
I hear Robert is a very good dancer.

Oh, yeah.

You know, in my day...

dancing used to lead to something.

We'll see.

-Hey, come on, give me your move.
-Yeah?

All right, give me.... Stand back.

And to think you doubted yourself.

-So you put this on your face?
-Yeah.

You just dab it under your eyes, that's all.

Let me ask you. I like that.

-That's got a little giddyup to it.
-Yeah.

-You know, don't spray it on your wrist.
-Right.

What you do is, you spray it in the air,
and then you just kind of walk through it.

I've got this dry patch here.

You got anything
that could help me with that?

You know, like a little flakiness?

-Exfoliant, yeah.
-Exfoliant.