Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 1, Episode 10 - Turkey or Fish - full transcript

Deb, look at this.

l was working out.
l was doing some power crunches...

and l found this lump here.

What the hell is this?
This is something here.

This is not.... l got another one.

lt's a set. That's okay.
l'm all right. Don't worry about it.

Freak.

Hi. l'm Ray, and l live here in Long lsland
with my wife Debra.

She's great with the kids,
the house, everything.

l don't know how she does it.

We've got a daughter Ally...



and twin two-year-old boys.

lt's not really about the kids.

My parents live across the street.

That's right.

And my brother lives with them.

Now, not every family
would go by on a conveyor belt for you...

but mine would because--

Everybody loves Raymond.

Yeah.

-About Thanksgiving.
-Yeah, what about it?

l was thinking. Aren't you tired of going
to our parents' houses every year?

Yeah. The Witness Protection Program.

We go underground this year.

Here, hold this.



l was thinking that instead of alternating
between their houses...

-we could just have Thanksgiving here.
-No. Here, no.

-Why?
-Witness Protection Program. Come on.

You're gonna miss some people...

but you'll make a lot of friends
when you're blonde.

Listen. You know, we're a family,
l kind of wanna have our own tradition.

When the kids remember Thanksgiving,
l want them to think of our celebration.

But it's supposed to be
at my mom's this year.

-Yeah.
-She doesn't handle change well.

Remember the great microwave wars of '93?

She survived them.
Look, they'll just come over here.

Yeah, but my mom's such a great cook.

Thanksgiving. That's what kind of
makes my mom...worth it.

-Are you saying l'm not a great cook?
-No!

But you're always worth it.

-See, that's called a quick save.
-Yeah.

Come on! You don't wanna do all that.

All that cooking and the shopping
and the cleaning.

Oh, yeah. What a change of pace
that would be.

-Smell your father.
-Would you stop!

Smell your father.

-What does he smell like?
-A summer breeze.

Mothballs!

He pulled this old jacket out of the attic
without taking it to the cleaners first.

-That smell makes me sick.
-Relax!

lf mothballs were bad for people,
they'd call them peopleballs.

Debra, how nice!
You're giving sewing another try.

This is Ally's Thanksgiving costume
for school.

My daughter is a yam.

Maybe she'll put on a little show for us
after our Thanksgiving dinner.

Listen, now that you mentioned it,
Marie, l was thinking...

that maybe we could have
Thanksgiving here this year.

That's silly.
l mean, why go to all that trouble?

-lt is kind of silly.
-Ray.

Listen, Ma, Debra wants to try it this year.

And l do, too, since l sleep over here now.

Yeah, but you spent last year
at Debra's parents'.

l was thinking we could do it here
this year...

and then next year you could do it,
and then my parents.

l kind of wanna just start my own tradition.

That's fine. That's just fine.

l was just wondering
why you're pulling that baloney on my year.

Ma, Debra's just trying
to get into the rotation, that's all.

This is our year.

-Frank, say something.
-Who cares?

Just so long as l get
my favorite piece of the turkey.

The last part over the fence: the caboose.

Frank, you have a choice:

You can either have it here,
or at home with me...

where l will be preparing
my usual Thanksgiving feast.

-A feast.
-You heard me.

She's making a feast.

Well, l could eat here, and there.

Then l get two cabooses.

-Honey, how big is a big turkey?
-About 18 pounds.

Eighteen pounds.

-l think this one is just enough.
-Put him down.

This one is self-basting.

You know, maybe this will be
a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids.

You cook, and l'll watch football
with my pants open all day.

You know,
my dad doesn't really like football, Ray.

Your parents are coming?

Yeah. And they're really happy
we're having Thanksgiving here.

We just got rid of two parents.
Why are you bringing two more in?

l mean,
your parents should really be here, too.

That makes four parents.
You're going backwards.

Come on. l mean...

it's not a real Thanksgiving
unless the whole family's here.

lt'd be like when the Russians boycotted
the Olympics.

lt diminished the whole event.

You're forgetting something very important.

When the Russians didn't come,
we won everything.

l really want your parents here, Ray.

Why? Come on,
you're gonna hate it if they come.

The first thing my father's gonna do
is grab your turkey's butt.

-That's not pretty.
-That's not gonna happen...

because this year,
instead of turkey, l was thinking--

Wait, l'm sorry.
Did you say ''instead of turkey''?

Yeah. l was thinking...

l would cook up this nice, big, fresh fish.

Fish?

Yeah, fish.

Fish on Thanksgiving?

Yeah. lt's really better for you.

l was gonna do this lovely striped bass.

Yeah, but a striped bass is a fish!

Ms. McCarthy told us that they had fish
at the first Thanksgiving.

-See?
-Well, people were stupid then, sweetie.

-Come on. Fish.
-No. Look.

l mean, we wanna start our own tradition,
and we all like fish...

and Ally wants it to be
like the first Thanksgiving.

Why don't we have
some smallpox, too, then?

Come on. What, are you crazy?

You want me to convince
my parents to come over here...

and my big sales pitch is...

''Fish!''

But see, it makes sense, because...

your mom makes this great turkey.
That's her specialty.

-Right. And you do a great fish.
-Yes.

But not on turkey day.

Please.

Try that on a day
where there's less pressure.

Pearl Harbor Day.

Yeah, there's a good holiday for surprises.

Well, you've got your wish.

Yeah, we're having Thanksgiving here,
and the Russians are coming.

-Wow, great! That's what l wanted. Here.
-Really? We'll see.

What do you mean?

Well, because my mom now said
she'd be happy to come.

So, what's wrong with her being happy?

Just think about it.
This was supposed to be her year, right?

The year that you're now taking.

Everybody's gonna be coming here...

and she now knows
that the star of your show is a fish.

That makes her very happy.

Come on, what are you saying?

That your mother's looking forward
to my dinner being a flop?

l'm not saying she wants it to be a flop...

but she doesn't want it
to be better than hers.

How's that gonna look to Aunt Emma
and Uncle Mel?

Whoa!

Emma and Mel are coming here?

Yeah. She had already invited them
to her house.

And she's happy more people are coming,
so there'll be witnesses when l fail.

-That's what l'm thinking.
-Oh, my God!

This is a trap! Emma and Mel.

That Emma is so weird, and Mel is mean.

-And weird.
-Yeah.

Listen, here's an idea. Just cancel the fish.

Go with the turkey.
Things can still be all right.

But l can't compete
with your mother's turkey.

The woman has giblets in her blood.

Then let's just run right now.

Come on. One call to
the Witness Protection Program...

and we're Steve and Phyllis Goldenberg
of Tempe, Arizona.

No. l'm gonna rise to the challenge.
Your mother will be looking for any flaw...

and l'm gonna make sure, we're gonna
make sure, she doesn't find one.

-We?
-Yes, we. You're gonna help me.

-Yeah, but--
-No.

This whole house has to be spotless...

and the meal must be made
entirely from scratch.

-Scratch?
-Yeah.

-That doesn't leave time for football.
-There is no time for football.

This has to be the perfect Thanksgiving.
Come on, let's go.

Stupid Pilgrims.

All right, l got it.
The last box of baking powder.

-Had to fight two old ladies to get it.
-Really? What did you do?

Nothing l'm proud of.

-All right, can l watch football now?
-No. l need you here.

This is not baking powder.
This is baking soda!

All right. lt's still a baking thing.

Great. Now we're not
gonna have any biscuits.

l'm sure your mom's
gonna take notice of that.

-All right. What do you want me to do?
-Listen, cut those radishes, okay?

Make them into little roses.

Who am l? Merlin?

Give me something a man can do.
Let me smash walnuts.

-That's the third quarter.
-No, that's the Apple Brown Betty. Come.

l'm the only sportswriter
who doesn't get to watch the game.

Listen, just stir those onions, would you?

That's too fast. You're crushing the skins.

What?

You're reminding me. The Cowboys
are crushing the 'Skins right now.

Nice try. Come back here.

Wait. That's not the carrots,
'cause l checked.

The creamed onions? No.

The fish is scaled. Jelly mold is set.

-Oh, my God!
-What?

-Oh, my God! The squash!
-What? What squash?

-l forgot the squash.
-All right. Okay. So what?

So what? lt's the squash, Ray.
lt's my only yellow.

-Where did l put it?
-l don't know.

Think, Ray, come on!

l wasn't here.
l was out not getting baking powder!

l need that squash.

Are you as turned on as l am right now?

Ray, l need the squash!

-ls that a yes?
-Ray!

All right. l don't know where it is.

-Here, could this goopy thing be it?
-Yes!

-Okay.
-Yes. Good. That's it.

Good. Calm down.

Oh, no!

-Come on, relax. No.
-l'm sorry.

Stop. You're reacting to missing squash...

like the time we left Ally at the mall.

Because it is so overwhelming.

l see that. lt's gonna be all right. lt'll be fine.

Could you run a load of dishes for me?

-l'll do whatever you want.
-Okay, l'm gonna change Geoffrey.

All right. But relax, though. Really.

You're out of control.
Everything's gonna be fine.

-All right? You're doing good.
-Thanks.

l'm gonna help you. Okay.

Be careful, all right?

Okay. Now it's Thanksgiving.

This is football.

Your mother doesn't want me
to watch football today.

What's that all about?

You might say,
''Hey, Daddy, that's being sneaky.''

That's why l'm glad you can't talk yet.

Oh, beautiful catch!

We live in a great country.

lncluding, look at this,
Michael: cheerleaders.

lt's everything you could want in one show.

See, Dallas is winning.
l want Washington to win.

Dallas can win, as long as
it's not by more than seven points.

And then, Dallas doesn't cover the spread.

Now, that will make your daddy $20.

Keep your eye on the ball!
How did you drop that?

You see, Michael, you gotta remember...

always keep your eye on the ball.

Okay. l feel much better now.

-l was just checking the squash.
-Yeah?

Looks dynamite.

Okay. Now, all l gotta do
is drain the potatoes...

finish my relish tray, and get my fish going.

Where's the fish?

Ray, where's the fish?

l think Michael needs changing.
Why don't you change him?

No, Michael's fine.

Somebody needs changing here.

Where's the fish?

You know what? l think l put it in the fridge.

What! What are you trying to do, Ray?

lt's not in here.

Oh, look. Here it is, right here.

You put my fish in the dishwasher?

There's good news.

You know, like usual
l forgot to put detergent in.

Okay, all right?
See, the stupidity finally paid off.

The guests are arriving! They're here.

Okay. l wash, you dry.

-You're a beautiful yam, honey.
-Yum!

Sweetie, l can't wait to dig in.

Your bass smells wonderful.

Thank you, Mom.

-Just got to know how to clean it.
-Yes.

Listen, you've been a wonderful help,
but now that my mom's here...

why don't you watch the game with Dad?

Okay, all right. You sure you....
Okay, all right.

All right, Warren, what's the score?
You're watching soccer?

Uruguay versus Venezuela.

Did anybody score
while l was crossing the street?

What the hell is this crap?

That's soccer.

Frank, only in America is football
the game that you're familiar with.

ln many countries,
when people refer to ''football''...

they actually mean soccer.

ln many countries, people eat cats.

Hit them!

Would you boys mind if l put the parade on?

l simply have to see it this year.

Savion Glover's doing a tap medley from...

Bring In 'Da Noise, Bring In 'Da Funk.

Bring in the straitjackets.

-You go watch the game in our room.
-That screen's too small.

You can take your shoes off
and lie on our bed.

That's true.

On it! On the bed, Dad, not in it.

Hi, Emma. You brought your dog.

Maggie would say hello...

-but he's got a sour stomach.
-No!

-You got any club soda?
-Yeah.

l'll let the gas out of some ginger ale.

-What's going on?
-Nothing. Emma brought her dog.

The fish is gonna be ready in 10 minutes.
Where are your folks?

My Mom's not here yet, but....
Good news, Dad's in our bed.

You know your Mom's doing this
on purpose, don't you? Yeah.

She's throwing my timing off.
She wants my fish to be...

a big, dried-out piece of bass jerky.

-You're not gonna cry again, are you?
-No.

All right. Stop.

Everything's going fine, okay?
Stop worrying.

Everything's gonna be all right.
Everybody's gonna love your dinner.

My God! That fish smell
is like a punch in the face.

You remember Great Uncle Mel,
and his childlike innocence?

Hello.

Fred and Bishop are parking the car.

-Fred and Bishop?
-They're friends of mine.

We're not gay.

-l'll go set two extra plates.
-Okay. That's the spirit!

Everybody's welcome here!
lt's Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Ma, what are you doing?

Well, Debra insisted on cooking a fish.

So l cooked a turkey,
in case people want to eat.

Thanks for doing this, Raymond.

Looks like you got
the whole family together.

Yeah. lt's dysfunction-palooza.

You know what l forgot?

Oven mitts.

ls that a turkey?

-What are you trying to do?
-Don't worry. lt's just to pick at.

lt's very heavy.
Where do you want me to put it?

-l'll tell you where you can put it.
-Right here. lt goes here.

Put it on the table.
Right next to our beautiful fish.

-Bigger and bigger.
-Yeah.

Fish and fowl, friends.

Together, on our table of thanks.

Okay. l think this is everything. Here.

Here. Careful, Mom. lt's really heavy.

-All right.
-Yeah.

Okay. Ray, why don't you do a toast?
Everybody get your glass.

Okay.

l just want to....

l wanna thank my wife
for whipping up this beautiful dinner...

all the way from scratch.

-Yeah!
-Cheers, darling.

l wanna thank everybody for coming,
and welcome to our home.

l'll drink to that.

Let's eat!

-Would you like some yams?
-No. l hate yams.

You hate yams?

Honey, he doesn't hate all yams.

Yes, l do. l hate them. They're very binding.

The fish isn't so bad.

-Honey, your fish is magnificent.
-Thank you, Daddy.

-Have you tried the turkey yet?
-No, not yet. l will.

l won't.

l will.

You okay, Dad?

l'll be okay. Just went down the wrong pipe.

l think he's gagging on the fish.

How do you know it's the fish?
lt could be the turkey.

-Slap him on the back, Warren.
-My pleasure.

Robert, do something.
He's choking on the fish.

Or turkey.

Get up, Dad. l got him.

-Are you all right, Frank?
-l'm all right.

Oh, thank God! l bet it's the fish!

lt could just as well have been the turkey.

Let's go to the field for the call.

-That is a piece of fish.
-l knew it!

You must be very happy.

What?

What? Ma, this is supposed to be
Debra's Thanksgiving.

Look how you're acting here.

Will somebody please pass the fish?

lt's good.

Dad, here's a little advice: chew.

Deb, you did a great job. lt's a great meal.

Yeah? Not to her. You know,
nothing l ever do is good enough...

and it's always been that way.

Don't worry about what she thinks.
l think you pulled it off.

l do, too.

l couldn't help overhearing.

Ma, we're talking.

l had no business making a turkey
on your Thanksgiving.

And your fish is wonderful.

Whenever l make fish,
Frank won't even touch it.

-You don't have to say that, Marie.
-No, honey, l do.

Well, you know...

when l wanted to make
my first Thanksgiving for everybody...

my mother-in-law went out of her way
to make me miserable.

-Nonni Barone?
-Yeah. She was a horrible woman.

l mean, very pushy.

l guess l've been making you
Thanksgiving dinner for so many years...

-l felt a little threatened.
-l threatened you?

There you go, honey.

You've made a beautiful Thanksgiving.

Oh, boy.

And you know what...

why should l work so hard anymore?

From now on...

we're all coming here every Thanksgiving.
Right here.

Honey, it's okay.

lf you needed any more proof
that your Thanksgiving was perfect...

here it is.

Congratulations.