Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 9 - Everybody Hates James - full transcript

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During my first season working with the football team

I had good times.

Come on, man.
Get in here.

For real?
Yeah, man.

You as much a part of this
team as everybody else.

And I had bad times.

But I was glad it was over.

Just because your work
on the field is done

doesn't mean your job
with the team is over.

It's time to start thinking about
what we do in the field of life.

So I've signed the team up
for community service.



That's what they used
to call slavery.

I myself have always been
a big supporter of big brothers.

She's not talking
about the organization.

My... you're
a big brother.

Let's dance.

So I'm bringing a rep from the Brother from Another Mother
organization to our school!

Brother from Another Mother?

Yes, they help match enfranchised youth
with disenfranchised youths,

such as blacks and Latinos,
to help support and guide them.

Uh-huh.

What if I'm already
supporting some Latino kids?

Well, if you're already a
baby daddy, then you're excused.

Yes!

Do you get extra credit
if you're a baby granddaddy?



But the rest of you,
fill out these forms

so I can set you up
with appointments.

You, too, Chris.

If you want to remain team manager,
you have to do this.

Even if all you do
is clean sweaty jockstraps,

you're just as important
as the quarterback.

I wish somebody would
let the cheerleaders know.

It's people like you, Chris,

that make the ghetto
a better place to live.

And it's people like you
that get robbed if I don't.

Everybody Hates Chris Season 4 Episode 9

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I already had a younger brother
from the same mother.

The last thing I wanted
was one from another mother.

Being a Brother from Another
Mother is a huge responsibility.

Your influence
is molding a mind,

changing the course of a life.

You could say the same thing
about crack.

Okay.

I'm proud to do it.

That said, I need to evaluate
your suitability for this organization.

No problem.

Are you sexually active?

No.

Now that I'm married,
the answer's still the same.

Do you own
photographic equipment?

No.

Where do you keep your
photographic equipment?

I don't have
any photographic equipment.

Have you ever sold
any of your photographs?

I don't have any photographs.

Suppose you did.

Where would you keep them?

I don't own a camera
or any photographs.

If your Brother from Another
Mother came to your house,

what room would you spend
the most time in?

The living room, I guess.

Correct.

How's your relationship
with your father?

It's fine.

Where does your father keep
his photographic equipment?

When he was done getting
answers out of me,

my family started getting
answers out of a machine.

I want to leave
the message.

It has to be
a man's voice.

Look, I bought it,
I'll leave it.

00:03:26.:Why can't I do it?

Because everybody hates you.

Everybody, be quiet.

I'll leave the message.

Hello.

Thank you for calling.

No one is available
to take your call right now.

At the sound of the tone,

please leave...
It's a beep.

What's the difference?

Some people are tone-deaf,
but nobody's beep-deaf.

Fine.
Please.

I'll do it again.
I-I can do it.

Quiet, shh!

Hello.

Thank you for calling.

No one is available
to take your call right now.

Please leave a message
at the sound of the beep,

and we'll get back
to you as quickly as possible.

But what if we don't to get back to someone
as quickly as possible?

It means you're a girl.

Be quiet. I'll do it again.

Shh! Stop moving
so much!
Stop pushing.

It's not my fault!
His head
is in the way.

Last time.

Hello.

No one is available
to take this call right now.

Please leave a message
at the sound of the beep.

See?

Is that good
for everybody?

Yeah, that was good.
Yeah.

You sound like
a white woman.

Get out of here before I smack
the naps out your hair.

Now she sounds like
a black woman.

When I was growing up,

talk shows were usually hosted
by old white men.

Mike Douglas, Phil Donahue,

Merv Griffin, Dick Cavett.

But in 1986, one woman
changed that forever.

Op-rah Winfrey.

"How to have
a stronger marriage."

And with that,
Oprah's primary fan base,

married working class men,
began to take shape.

Well, I just got assigned
my Brother from Another Mother today.

Hope it's not a big hassle.

Wish I had one.
I'd love to be a mentor.

To form a lifelong bond

to know
if I never did another thing in my life,

I'd have made
a difference in this world.

Which is why Greg had
the happiest pet turtle.

Why don't you sign up?

I own a camera.

So who's the kid?

Cleavon Barris.
Where's he live?

Bed-Stuy, which is weird
'cause I thought I knew all the kids in the neighborhood.

See? All black people
don't know each other.

That is weird. I thought all
black people knew each other.

Back at home, my father spent
the afternoon with Oprah

to get ready for an evening
with my mother.

What's this?

Flowers from
a white person's garden.

These are for you.

For what?

Because I love you.

That look means:

"Okay, what did you do?"

Okay, what did you do?

Not this.

You got to get out
of here, Ashley.

And give me
those flowers!

Go, go, go, go, go!

I didn't do anything.

I'll get it.

Uh-da-da-da-da-da.

The machine will answer it.

Hello.

Nobody is available
to take your call right now.

Please leave a message
at the sound of the beep.

I wonder who that was.

Do you?

Should we go upstairs?

No.

Did you get fired
from your job, Daddy?

No.

Did you get fired
from your other job?

No.

Then who was that on the phone?

I don't know.
They didn't leave a message.

Why not?
I don't know.

Well, if nothing's wrong,
why are you bringing me flowers?

I'm just trying to treat you the
way I would want to be treated

if I was married to me.

Now legal in California.

That's it?

Yeah.

Okay.

Hey, so does anybody know a kid from around here
named Cleavon Barris?

No, why?

I got assigned for a Brother from Another Mother program

and they said he lives
around here,
but I ain't never met him.

Julius, do you
know of a child from another mother around here named...

Cleavon Barris? No.

You remembered his name
pretty quick.

Yeah, it'd be better
to tell now if you do.

I don't.

I brought flowers
for your mother

because I love her.

Is that so hard
to believe?

Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.

And with that,
my father was the first man

The Oprah Show
ever got in trouble.

Meanwhile, finding
a black kid in Bed-Stuy

was like trying to find
a needle in a needle stack.

James?

James? Close that door.

James?

Hey, Chris.
What you doing here?

I'm looking for Cleavon Barris.

Close that door,
you hear me?!

What you know about Cleavon?

I'm supposed to be his Brother
from Another Mother.

I used to know Cleavon,
back in the day.

See, Cleavon,
he had some problems,

but me, James,
I ain't have those problems.

You hear what I'm saying?

You're Cleavon?

Hey, keep it down, man.

My mother
must have signed me-- I mean, Cleavon--
up for it.

But since I'm not Cleavon,
I ain't doing it.

Well, the principal signed me up
so I got to do it.

Well, that's between
you and Cleavon.

And don't come back around here
looking for him no more.

That's what Tupac does
every time somebody finds him.

Just because James didn't want
a Brother from Another Mother,

didn't mean he wasn't
going to get one.

James.

What you want?

Look, I know you don't want
to do this any more than I do.

But if we work together,

we won't have to be
anywhere near each other.

Worked for Shaq and Kobe.

So what you
want me to do?

Well, if anybody asks,

you just say we were
with each other.

That's clever.

I ain't know you had it in you.

I thought you were
a punk, a chump,

a sissy, a
mama's boy...

All right, all right.

We got a deal?

Deal.

Vanessa's out for a week?

I wonder why she didn't call me.

Well, I tried calling you
last night to let you know

I was filling in, but, um,

I must've had the wrong number,

'cause some white lady answered
the phone,

and I just hung up.

Oh, no. That was me.

See, we got a new
answering machine, and...

that's my phone voice.

Phone voice, white voice.

Same thing.

Michael, what you doing here?

I come to see my baby.

Pam.
Hmm?

These are for you.

Oh, so sweet.

What are these for?

I'm just trying to treat you the way
I would want to be treated

if I was
trying to date me.

Then why didn't you bring her
a greasy bucket of gizzards?

That is the sweetest thing
I ever heard.

I'm gonna see you later tonight for dinner?
Mm-hmm.

Smoked pork chop?
Mm-hmm.

Everything?
Yeah.

Mmm, sweet.
Hey, Chelle,

tell Big Man I said

"Big Man!"

Don't forget the rice,
now, baby.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Youngju.

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?????

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I'll see you later.

More flowers.

That's a coincidence.

What did he say?

He said he was just trying to treat me the way
he would want to be treated

if he was dating himself.

The flowers are rigged
with explosives.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's one coincidence too many.

Julius bought me flowers
and said the same thing that they said to y'all.

I don't know what's
going on around here,

but I guarantee you,
I'm about to find out.

When my mother got suspicious,

she never asked what
she wanted to know.

She waited to see
what you would tell.

What, no flowers today?

You know, I don't want to do
the same thing every day.

Yeah, that's right,
because if you were me,

you wouldn't want them.

Huh?

Oh, that's what you said.

It was very nice.

Did you think of all of that
by yourself?

Straight from the heart.

And right in the back.

I'll get it.
No.

Let the machine get it.

Mind letting me
put the message on?

Hi. Nobody's home
right now.

Leave a message,
and we'll call you back.

How come people keep calling
and not leaving messages?

Hey, hey...

Hey!

What y'all doing here?

We live here.
What are you doing here?

Did you just pick our lock
with a credit card?

And where did he get
a credit card?

This?

Nah. This was an accident.

I thought this
was my house.

You live across the street.

Sorry, man. I'm dyslexic.

Hey, um...

I didn't mean
to interrupt.

Just going to leave.

You do that.

Okay, Drew, after dinner,
you leave the message.

Cool.

While my father was keeping
Oprah from my mother,

she was getting
to every other man in town.

From the guys
who were white-collar...

Stop it, y'all,
Oprah's on!

...to guys who got collared.

Every man in town
was watching Oprah.

I guess that's a coincidence,
too.

Meanwhile my father
wasn't the only one

trying to keep something
undercover.

Chris, just the man
I want to see.

How are things going
with Cleavon?

Cleavon?

Oh, yeah, great.

What kinds of things have
you been enjoying together?

A lot of stuff.

And the lying-through-your-
teeth award goes to...

We worked on an art project
the other day.

We also spent some time
with the disabled.

And later on today,
we're going to go hang out with some neighborhood kids.

Don't drop me please!
No, I'll pay, I swear!

No, no, please!

Let me go!
Let me go, please! I'll pay!

Please, don't drop me!

Well, that's great.
We can discuss it more
at your interview.

You want us here together?

3:00 p.m. See you tomorrow.

No, he won't

I put the word out
on the street

that I was looking for James,

and, unfortunately,
the street answered back.

Hey, Chris.

He could have just said,
"Follow me."

You wearing a wire?

No!

No one ever wait for the answer
before ripping your shirt open.

Then why are you looking
for people then, man?

What, you supposed
to be a detective?

You Spenser for Hire,
Magnum PI?

No, I just need James to come
with me to school tomorrow.

Just for this Brother from another Mother program.

Wait...

Didn't you used to be
Wayne Gretzky's bodyguard?

James pays better.

I thought we had
an understanding.

We do. It's just that
the organization checks up.

They want to talk to both
of us tomorrow in school.

Like I said...

next time you find me,

you're gonna end up
getting found.

James was tough,
but he was still 12.

Listen here, little boy,

I ain't got time for this.

You don't show up at school
with me tomorrow,

I'm gonna call
your mother.

All right, man. Dag.

While I was getting James
to step up,

my mother was getting
the lowdown.

* Yo, this is Master Drew
and I'm not home *

* So call me back
on the telephone. *

Hey, little dude's father
from across the street,

I just saw Oprah today.

You were right:
that's a bad woman.

Anyway, I'll talk to you later.

Look, I don't know what
he's going to ask us,

so let me take the lead.

Whatever I say,
just agree.

Chill out, man.
Got this.

Cleavon?

Oh, hello, Mr. Perkins.

Oh, take a seat, Chris.
I'll be out for you in a bit.

Wait, we're not going
in together?

No. I take you in
one at a time--

make sure you're doing
the things you say you're doing.

Whatever questions
they ask James,

I hope I had the same answers,

or I was going to have to answer
a whole other set of questions.

Oh, Chris.

From what Cleavon tells me,

you two are what the program
is all about.

Fraud and deception?

We are?

Yeah, man.
We are.

Anyway,

here are the flyers
for the carnival. It's a fundraiser.

The donors like to see
the brothers together.

It's a big photo op,
so I'll need you both there.

Okay, we'll be there.

Keep up the good work, boys.

We take your little
buddy photo and that's it.

After that, I'm done.

He wasn't the only one.

Hey, baby.

Who the hell is Oprah?

That was the last time
those words were ever spoken.

Baby, I...
Uh-uh.

Before you explain,

I want you to listen
so we're very clear on what you need to tell me.

Hey,

little dude's father
from across the street,

man, I just saw Oprah today.

You were right:
that's a bad woman.

Anyway, I'll talk to you later.

Baby, Oprah is a talk show host.

You're supposed to be
working two jobs

and sleeping during the day.

Exactly when do you have time
and where do you go to meet this talk show ho-st?

I don't know her.
I-I watch her.

She's in Chicago.

She's on every day.

Look.

Every day.

See?

Okay.

What's in the bag?

I'm throwing out your makeup.

You're doing what?!

Oprah said you don't have
to paint your face for me.

I love you just the way you are.

Oprah doesn't know what
I look like without my makeup!

And neither does my father.

Julius, baby,

do you know what's in this bag?

Rochelle is in this bag!

See, here's
Rochelle's lips,

here's her eyelashes,
her complexion,

her cheeks, her fingernails!

Julius,

I don't know
what Oprah's saying,

but she's giving out
very dangerous information.

Baby, there are
certain things

that men just don't need
to know about women.

Like everything.

I'm sorry.

I just wanted to let you know
you're good enough for me.

Even if your face
is inside this bag.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

Baby, you really want
to do something for me?

Anything.

Stop watching Oprah.

That's how Oprah's audience
turned from all men to all women.

And that's how the message on
our answering machine became...

We're not home right now.

Leave a message after the beep.

Hey, Jerome.
Hey!

Man, I-I was just...

I know what you were doing.

Just take the answering machine
and get out.

He still came back later
to try and steal the TV.

While my father was getting
our answering machine stolen,

I was getting my picture taken.

I'm so proud.

Every single one of you
completed his community service

Way to go, Chris.

The ghetto
owes you one.

Okay, big smile.

All right, everybody,
go have fun!

James.

You know you can stay
for a while if you want to.

What for?

It's a carnival. It's fun.

It's not like we got them
on the block.

After all was said and done,

I found out a few things
about James.

His real name was Cleavon.

He was raised by the streets.

And he was still
a 12-year-old kid.

All right, man, dag.

You act like you're
my big brother for real.

And I'm not petting
no farm animals.

He was also allergic to goats.

Hey, this was
pretty cool.

Cool.

Look what I got.

Man, you won that?

I didn't say
I won it.

I said I got it.

Here.

This for you.

Thanks.

At that moment,

I thought that
deep down James was a decent person

who had a good
shot of making it in life.

That's him!

The one with
the jacket.

I thought wrong.