Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 8 - Everybody Hates Big Bird - full transcript

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Man, she is a fly.

Not a fiy is fly.
She's fly.

I just wish I knew wh to
do to get a girl like her.

Easy. Be a guy
like him.

In high school, you learned
that the type of girl you are

determines the type of guy
you go out with.

Nerdy girls hang out
with nerdy guys.

Smart girls hang out
with smart guys

and dumb girls hang out
with jocks.

Ladies.

And then there are the girls



that didn't hang out
with anybody

and the guys that made fun
of them.

We were those guys,
and she was that girl.

Man, look at that.

She looks like
her family gave

the baby back
and kept the stork.

Her name is Kelly,
but everybody

calls her "Big Bird."

Hey, B Bird.
Yo, Big Bird.

What's up,ig Bird?

I wonder what'd have to go wrong for
you to end up with a girl like that.

It's like being
onThePlanet of The Apes,

and all the apes
said, "No."

I didn't have anything
against Big Bird,



and unfortunately for me,

she didn't have anything
against me either.

You're Chris, right?

Yeah.

I've seen you around,

and I really think
you're kinda cute.

Do you want to hang out
sometime?

yp

No!

Sure.

Where's an ape
when you need one?

Aw, make it funky now.

Greg was tryingw
to get the lowdown.

Dude, did I see you
talking to Big Bird yesterday?

Shh! Yeah, she asked me out.

She's, like,
the goofie girl

this side of Rosnne
Roseannadanna. What'd you say?

I told her yeah.

Why?

'Cause she asked.

Girls don't ask
me out all the time.

Yeah, that's the beauty
of the situation.

You had a chance to
boost your low self-esteem

by turning someone else
down for a change.

Yeah, but when
the girl asks,

you don't just say no.

Plus, my dad said never
to hurt a girl's feelings.

Besides, they don't
take rejection well.

How are they gonna learn
if they don't get any practice?

Attractive girls don't
take rejection well.

Girls like Big Bird,
they're used to it.

You know what?
Fine. It's done.

I'm gonna go out
with her once.

Trust me. I'm gonna
make sure we don't have fun,

so she doesn't want
to go out again.

I usually did that
without trying.

While I was betting I could get
rid of Big Bird,

Vanessa was betting big
on the Jets.

Here you go.

Sorry it took so long.

Five weeks,
you should be sorry.

You should have
saved your money.

I told you the Jets
were gonna win.

Vanessa, you gonna get enough
of this gambling,

I keep trying to tell you.

No, this is
a sure thing.

The New York Jets have
been on a winning streak

like you've never seen.

They just got lucky.

I'll bet you they
don't win next week.

The Giants play the Jets?

No, they're just both
on winning streaks.

Wait a minute. This is the
dumbest thing I ever heard.

Your team is winning
and your team is winning,

but you both figured out
a way to lose money on it.

Well, all I know is
the Giants are gonna lose

before the Jet

I'll tell you what. If the
Giants lose before the Jets,

the barbershop will pay
for you ladies

to have a night out
on the town.

Oh-oh, well,
start saving.

But what if we win?

That, that is not
going to happen.

Since it's not gonna happen,
say anything

Buy everybody a new car.

Better yet, go out
with Kill Moves.

All right,
little Miss Naysayer,

I'll do that.

If we lose, I'll go out
with Kill Moves.

Ha!

While Vanessa bet on the Jets,
I had a date with a giant.

Hey, Chris.

Is that whatou
had on earli?

No, I had an accident
and I need to ange.

An accident?
What happened?

Oh, I didn't make it
to the bathroom in tim

so I to get something
from lost-and-found.

Wow, that's crazy.

It looks good
on you, though.

It makes youook edgy

Even though my b clothes
didn't seem to work,

there was more bad stuff
to come: bad food.

I never heard
of this place.

Yeah, everything
the serve is from stuff

that other people
didn't finish eating.

After the bad food
there was a bad movie.

What's this called?

Leonard Part V.

Nipsy Russell's best movie.

They're doing a sequel
with Bill Cosby.

Stop you guys
from committing a crime.

After the bad movie,
we

Hey, little dude on a date,
leme hold all your money!

Chris, come back!

No!

The only date worse than me
was Phil Spector.

While I was running
for my life,

Vanessa was running
her game down.

Listen up no everybody.

Now, we all in this together.

So if we gonna win this thing,

then we got
to get our mojo working.

Mojo?

Is that what
we're depending on, mojo?

Well, what about the stats,
the line, the over, the under?

What about the odds? The
spread, the angle, the handicap?

What about the hook,
the hot game?

You know, the rundown,
the system?

What about a tout,
the trends?

What about a wiseguy?

Everybody needs a wiseguy.

Rochelle,

I'll have you know

I have a very precise system
that's worked for nine months.

Really? What is it?

Every time the Jets win,
I use my green toothbrush.

Four out of five dentists
think she's crazy.

And I pluck three mole hairs
before everyame.

And I been eating two
chicken-fried banas

before every game.

Just t?

Well, I don't know what you want
me to do.

What do you normally do
during the game?

Well, other than serving beer
and chips, I'm usually ironing.

Did you do that week two
when the Jets lost?

Now, how am I supposed to know
what week is what

in your mojo world?

Think, Rochelle,
this is important.

Remember, I lost all that money

and you gave me that lecture
on "gambling is evil..."

That's when Julius burnt
my shirt.

Giants win 20 to 7,
Jet's lose 20 to 6.

Julius, my shirt!

What do you mean, you lost $30?

And every week after that,
I've been ironing.

And every week the Jets
have been winning,

so I don't care what
you do on Monday.

You make sure you iron
those clothes.

Mm-hmm.

Before ESPN, people had their
own roundtable discussions

by sitting around a table
and discussing.

So the girls at the beauty shop
made a bet

against the guys
at the barber shop.

It's silly, but the guys
are rooting for the Giants

and the girlare rootg
for the Jets.

That is silly. There's no way

the Jets are gonna continue
winning.

Oh, really? What makes you
an expert?

Because he's a man.

I watch football every week.
That's why I'm an expert.

So you saying I'm stupid?

This was not the first time

my parents had this
conversation.

It's too expensive.

So you saying I'm not
a good mother?

I just don't see what's funny
about a Volkswagen Beetle.

So you saying you never
should have married me?

That's not what I said.

That's what I think.

The Giants are gonna win
the Superbowl,

and Phil Simms is gonna lead
them to the promised land.

Right, Daddy?

That's right,
sweetie.

You're crazy.

Wesley Walker and Al Toon
are having record years.

The Jets are going
to the Superbowl.

Ain't that right, Mom?

No doubt about it.

Tonya's right.
The Giants are unbeatable.

All right, Julius,
I'll tell you what.

I hate betting, but since
you want to run your mouth,

and call me names,
if the Giants lose

before the Jets do, you and
little Miss That's What I Said

have to clean up
after everybody else

for a month.

And if the Jets lose
before the Giants,

you and Drew have to do it.

You have a bet.

All right. You're gonna lose.

Since we had gotten off
to a bad start,

I was praying for a bad finish.

That was so funny when
you ran away. You're fast.

You thought that was funny?

You didn't see
what it looked like.

Besides, that guy
didn't scare me.

He didn't?

No, I could see his thumb
sticking out of his gun pocket.

Didn't he take all your money?

G

No, he didn't. I keep
my money in my bra.

All he got was some eye drops
and some rash eam.

Eye drops and rash cream? Damn!

Little dude owes me a dollar.

After all I did to make things
go wrong,

I never would have bet
that things with Kelly

would be going so right.

Well, that was great.

Yeah, that was cool.

Well, I better
get home.

Yeah, me, too.

Everyone called Kelly
"Big Bird,"

but call me cuckoo; I was
actually starting to like her.

That kiss from Big Bird made me
feel like Superfly.

while i was flying with Big Bird,

my father wanted
the Jets to crash.

I need the Jets to lose.

We're doing everything we can
to put the mojo on the Jets.

I'm wearing my lucky socks.

I ain't eating nothing
but banas and peanut butter.

I'm gonna call 'em up
and I'm gonna threaten 'em.

What about you, Julius?

What did you do the last
time the Jets lost?

It was weird 'cause I remember
I was ironing

because the Giants won
20 to 7

and the Jets lost 20 t6,

and I remember thinking, "That's
one extra point worth of loss."

Well, you know what that means.

You need to iron on Monday.

Yeah!

Keeping my relationship
with Big Bird a secret

was easy for the most part.

Turns out,

the person I had the most
trouble hiding it from was her.

I hid it during school.

I hid it before school.

I even kept it hidden
after school.

Get away fr the pain you're
driving to the heart of me

What are you looking for,
Tender Love?

The Giants had won their fifth
game in a row,

and Tonya was counting on the
Jets' winning streak to end.

You better
pick that up.

I'm not picking
it up.

You got to pick it up.

And then you're gonna have to
clean the rest of the house.

We'll see about that.

Kelly didn't realize that I was
avoiding being seen with her.

She just thought I was the
greatest phone boyfriend ever.

I guess my favorite rappers
are Run-DMC.

I love Salt n' Pepa.

My favorite character
from the Rocky movies

is Clubber Lang.

I love Captain Drago.

And I jumped off the top stairs,
started flying

and landed on
the Mary Jane Girls.

I had the exact same dream
except I landed on Rick James.

About the only thing
we didn't talk about

is when
we'd get together again.

So when do you want
to do something again?

12th of never?

Um... There's a football
game on today.

Maybe we could watch that.

Oh, my place or yours?

I prefer a secluded town
on the outskirts of nowhere.

Um... I was thinking
somewhere different.

Uh, where?

Let it, let it
be my surprise.

Julius, did you e my...?

y, Rochelle.

You ready for the Jets game?

You!

No good, low down...

Those are words
you can't say on TV.

Dirty,

good-for-nothing...

To-to sneak down here and...

What's wrong with you?

I'm just doing
the ironing.

I can't
believe this!

Good thing she wasn't
near the toaster.

...lose to Miami, 45...

While mother s
gointo kill my father,

Nessa was going
on a date with Kl Moves.

I liked seeing Kelly,
but I made sure to do it

where no one
I knew would see us.

That was a
great game.

What made you think of coming
to the Port Authority?

Just thought it'd
be different.

This is cool.

You want to watch
something else?

Sure.

Meanwhile, my mother
had a giant problem

with the Jets losing.

Start cleaning, Drew.

You sit back
down, Drew.

You're not cleaning up anything.

What are you
talking about?

I'm not talking to you.

You wanna play
dirty, stay dirty.

My father won a bet, but he
was about to lose a war.

We won!

Back at school, the early bird
was about to get the worm.

Surprise!

I found you.

Kelly.

Yeah, you did find me.

Um...

What are you doing here?

I wanted to see you.

It's like I never see you
around school anymore.

It's like I have
to hunt you down.

I'm almost starting to think
that you're trying to avoid me.

Oh. What gave you that idea?

You.

I'm just kidding.

Well, you know, I'm
kind of busy, so...

catch you later.

Okay.

I get it. No girls
in the locker room, right?

Yeah.

Well, I just wanted

to give you something
before Io.

What's that?

Hey!

It's Big Bird. Hey,
were's Bert and Ernie?

I guess that makes you
Snuffleupagus?

No, it makes him
Roosevelt Franklin.

Cookie?

Cookie!
Cookie!

Who are they making fun of?

They obviously watch
a lot ofSesame Street.

Chris, aren't you
gonna say something?

Or are you jt gonna
stand there and watch?

Stand here and watch.

Fine.

Now I know h you reay feel.

how to deal with Big Bird,

Vanessa was getting prepared
to deal with Kill Moves.

Good evening■ ladies.

Kill Moves? Where'd
you get the car?

I don't know.

It belongs to his mother,
Mrs. Devereaux.

Wow.

You learn something new
every day.

Where's Vanessa?

Uh, this is me.

Where's that woman
you was just with?

Um...
Just explain

when you get in the car.

Go, go, go.

Have a good time.

I think.

While Vanessa took care
of her end of the bet,

at home, all bets were off.

Dinner is served.

Rochelle,
this has gotta stop.

It never wouldave started

if■ you never cheated.

Cheated? I never cheated.

Oh, really? So out of the blue,
you just decided

that you wanted to iron?

Well, no.

You no-good, low-down,
dirty little...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What does me ironing have
to do with me cheating?

BecauseIalways do the ironing

and every time I iron,
the Jets win.

but no, you had to go
steal my mojo

and ruin our nine-game
winning streak.

What?!

I didn't know ironing
was your thing, too.

The guys told me to iron

■ again, and I just did it.

Really?

Yeah. I play fair.

Oh.

A'ight. Me and Drew
will clean upstairs,

and you and Tonya
will clean downstairs.

Don't touch me.

My father made things
right with my mother.

Now I need to make
things right with my Bird.

Hey, Dad, I need
to talk to you.

What's up?

Well, there's this girl.

And she likes me.

That's good.

And I really like her.

That's better.

The only thing is,

she's a little
awkward-looking.

Awkward?

Like she has one leg
longer than the other?

No.

Like she dislocated her shoulder

and they put it back wrong?

No.

Like her eyes are
too far apart?

No.

Like she's knock-kneed
and pigeon-toed,

and when she walks she
makes a clicking sound?

No.

It's just that these
football players

were calling her Big Bird
and stuff and...

I didn't really do
anything about it.

Chris, even if a girl's
eyesaretoo far apart,

I thought I told you never
to hurt a girl's feelings.

I know.

No, obviously you don't.

You think she'll forgive me?

I don't know. You'll he to
work that out with her.

Even if a girl's eyes are
too far apart.

I realized my mistake,

and Vanessa realized
that going out with Kill Moves

wasn't a mistake at all.

You were out
all night?

Oh, girl, that's
just the start of it.

We opened the champagne,
headed for the seaport.

There was apinkhelicopter
waiting for me.

You can hear about the rest
of Vanessa's dat

After I gave Big Bird
the cold shoulder,

I thought she flew the coop.

You haven't seen her?
No, dude.

I wanted to be
with you alone

And talk about the weather

I'm lost in admiration,
did I need you this much?

Oh, you're wasting my time

You're just, just,
just wasting time

Something happens
and I'm head over heels

I never finout till
I'm head over heels

Something happens
and I'm head over heels

Ah, don't take my heart,
don't break my heart

Don't, don't,
don't throw it away

Throw it away...

Throw it away...

You look amazing.

I know. I decided I
wasn't gng to letyou

or anyone else crush me,

so my mom took me to
the mall for a makeover.

Big Bird...

is that you?

My name is not Big Bird.

It's Kelly.

I'm sorry about what happened.
It's just...

It's just you were fine
going out with me so long as

nobody knew, because you didn't
want to be Big Bird's boyfriend?

Exactly!

No...

Let me make it up to you.
Let me take you out again.

No. Never.Het. Noya...

Unfortunately for me,
Kelly spoke 15 languages.

...Jo. Cuwa. Momo. Tla.

Was that Cherokee?

Domo arigato,
Mr. Roboto.

What?!

Kelly, I was a jerk.

I know. And as much as I'd like

to come here every day
and make you suffer,

I'm going to Paris
tomorrow.

Paris?

That's rightParis.

I met a lady at thmall
named Cindy Crawford,

and she said she's going to turn
me into a supermodel.

I'm sorry.

I bet you are.

But imagine how sorry
you're going to be

when I turn around
and walk away.

See you later, Kermit.

Tonight's episode was brought
to you

by the letters D-A-M and N!

Everybody hates Chris.

Doctors.

Doctor.

Hmm. Good
night, Doctor.

Good night, Doctor.

Doctor.

Doctor.