Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 7 - Everybody Hates Snitches - full transcript

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( funky theme playing )

CHRIS:
Becoming manager
of the football team

had its perks.

I wasn't exactly part
of the cool crowd,

but I did get
to be around them.

Hey, yo, Chris,
this milk smells funny.

Taste this, and tell me
if it's spoiled.

Yeah, it's spoiled.

Yeah, I thought so.

Anyway, like I was saying.

Taimak is gonna be
the next Bruce Lee.



Taimak?

You mean Taimak from
The Last Dragon? That Taimak?

No, Taimak from CNN.

Yeah, that's right.

I love that movie.

After The Last Dragon,
karate became

more popular
in the ghetto than poverty.

Everybody was doing it.

Boys were doing karate.

Girls were doing it.

GIRLS:
Yah!

( karate yells )

Even old people were doing it.

( karate yells )



He's not doing karate,
he's just crazy.

Hey, we're going to see
a midnight show in Times Square.

You can come if you want.

No, I can't.

Midnight?

Yeah, what's the matter?

Past your bedtime?

Yes!

( laughing )

Nah. I just...
I just had this party

I was supposed to go to, but...

you know,
I guess I can skip that.

All right, cool.
We'll see you there.

Not at midnight you won't.

( funky hip-hop theme playing )

* Oh, make it funky now *

Wow, I can't believe
you're going to go to see

The Last Dragon
with Dickerson and his crew.

You are so in there.
No, Greg, I'm not

My parents aren't gonna
let me see a midnight movie.

Then why'd you say yes?

Because I didn't want
to look like some punk

who can't get out of
the house past 9:00.

But since you are,
what are you gonna

tell them after
you don't show up?

That I got sent to jail for
killing my nerdy white friend?

While I was planning
a good excuse,

my dad was planning
my mom's anniversary.

What's up, everybody?
Hey, hey, youngblood.

Where's Manny?

He's opening another shop,
in Detroit.

When did you start
cutting hair?

When we were kids everybody
in our house had a job.

Ryan was the barber.

Yeah. So, Julius,

where are you taking Rochelle
for her anniversary tonight?

We're going to see Show Dogs
on Broadway.

Show Dogs?
What's that about?

It's only the most
extravagant musical

ever to come to the United
States from a foreign shore.

It's a high-voltage
spectacle of song and dance!

ALL:
Ooh...

Is that all?

No, girl. We're gonna have
dinner at Domaine et Mer,

and we're spending a night

at the Times Square
Regency Hotel.

Ooh, a hotel. Not a motel.

Oh, no, I don't do
outside hallways.

( laughs ):
Oh, that sounds good.

I was married once.

For our anniversary,
he took me to a Knicks game.

I broke up with him
at halftime.

And ended up going home
with Bernard King.

Between this hair
and my Armando Vermani bag,

I don't think I'm-a be able
to stand myself.

( snapping fingers )

Ooh, ooh.

While my mom was gearing up
to go out,

I was bailing out to stay in.

Hey, Dickerson, I can't make it
to that movie tonight.

It's my cousin's birthday
and she's really counting on me

to be at the party.

All right, man,
but you're missing out.

Next time.

Yeah, maybe.

And maybe I'll never
get invited out again.

All right, well,
I hope you feel better.

Get some rest.

Who was that?

Gloria. She got a fever.

She won't be able
to watch the kids tonight.

What? Oh baby.
I can't believe this.

That was $150 worth
of show tickets.

Uh-oh. She's about to do
a dramatic head turn.

Told you.

Show tickets?

What about our anniversary?

Well, that's what I meant.

We won't be able to use those
$150 worth of show tickets

to celebrate our anniversary.

Sidney Poitier had nothing

on my father's
acting abilities.

And the award for "Best Husband

"Acting Like He Was Sad
About Not Going Out

"On His Anniversary
When He Was Actually Upset

About Losing His Money"
goes to...

Julius!

( cheers, applause )

Julius,
ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, my God!

What's wrong?

I thought you guys
were going out.

The sitter canceled,
and my anniversary is ruined.

Other than that,
everything is fine.

If this was a cartoon,

you'd see a lightbulb
appear above my head.

I can watch Drew and Tonya,

and you and Dad
can still go out.

Chris, this is not for a few
hours. It'll be all night.

Ma, I can handle it.

Well, what if Drew gets a fever?

I'll call a doctor.

What if Tonya sets something
on fire?

I'll call the Fire Department.
Somebody tries to break in?

I'll call the police.

What if you get attacked
by ghosts?

I'll call Ghostbusters.

Ma, I can do it.

I mean, I know how much you've
been looking forward to this

and I wouldn't want you
to miss it because of us.

And the award for
"Best Kid Pretending

"Like He Gives A Damn
About His Mother's Anniversary

"When He Wants Out Of The House
So He Can Sneak Out And Do

Something He Doesn't Have
Any Business Doing"

goes to...

Chris!

( cheers, applause )

Chris,
ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, thank you, Chris.

( smooches )

I'm gonna go get ready.

That left only one thing
for me to do.

Hey, Dickerson.

Yeah, good news.
The party got cancelled.

I'll see you guys at the movies.

Hey, who's this?
Who's on the line?

It's Chris,
the football team manager.

From Tattaglia.

Yeah. Yeah. Cool.

While my parents got ready
for their big night out,

I got ready
for my big sneak-out.

Hey, Drew, Tonya,
Chris is in charge.

I want y'all to be
on your best behavior.

If Chris accidentally
catches on fire,

jumps out a window
to fan out the flames

and falls to his death,
is he still in charge?

No, then Drew is in charge.

Boy, what are you doing?

I'm gonna get
on That's Incredible

by using my psychic powers to
bend this spoon.

Not with my good silver
you're not.

Go mind-bend a spork
or something.

Chris,
you know what to do.

Yeah, I got everything covered.

I got all the emergency numbers:
Fire, Police, SWAT, FBI,

CIA, IRS, NAACP, and the NBA.

In case Chris Mullin breaks in.

Bye.
All right--

Bye.
--we'll be back in the morning.

While my parents
were at the play,

I was getting ready
to make a play.

That's not incredible,
that's just stupid.

She sleeps like an angel
but acts like the Devil.

( indistinct chatter )

I love you, baby.

This is going to be
the best anniversary ever.

I know.
( chuckles )

( dog barks, Julius yells )

( audience gasping )

( Rochelle gasps )

Hey, um, no, no, I--

No, hey--

He was-- He was-- He's okay.

I'm so embarrassed.

While my father had stopped
the show before it started,

I was starting to think
Dickerson was a no-show.

Chris?

Chris.

The idle sister
is the Devil's workshop.

Even though nobody showed,

I figured since I was out,
I may as well go in.

Forget this.

( gunshots, yelling )

That's what happens
when you talk over the trailer

for Three Men and a Baby.

The next day,
I pulled a Robert Blake

and tried to forget
all about the shooting.

Make sure it's tight, Tonya.

Isn't this
how Houdini died?

No, Houdini died
from secondary peritonitis

due to a ruptured spleen from
being punched in the stomach.

Hey, kids.
Hi.

DREW AND TONYA:
Mom, Dad.

Oh...

Hi, baby.

So, Chris, how did it go?

Great, fine, never been better,

smooth as silk.

With a bullet hole in it.

So how was the play?
Well, we never saw it

because we got kicked out

because your dad knocked out
one of the actors.

You knocked out
one of the dogs?

He snuck up on me.

You were
in a theater,

not an alley.

Hey, look at this.
A guy got shot

last night
right down the street

from where you guys saw
the play.

Oh, too bad we didn't
go see a movie.

Maybe your dad could have
knocked out the shooter.

Did they catch the guy
who did it?

Nope.

How do you get shot
in a movie theater

and not have
any witnesses?

Because nobody wants
to be a snitch, that's why.

What do you mean?

In the early days
in the black communities,

people enjoyed telling on
each other.

You couldn't do anything
without getting caught.

( siren wailing,
brakes screeching )

Who did this?

He did.

( spectators gasping )

Thousands of criminals
were sent to jail

by law-abiding citizens.

Thanks.

No problem.

It wasn't until those people
got out of jail

and started killing the people
that sent them there...

( gunshots, body thuds )

...that snitching got a bad rep.

( siren wailing,
brakes screeching )

Who did this?

I don't know.

Wasn't me.

MAN:
I didn't see nothing.

When dinner was finished,
Tonya was just getting started.

I know what you did.

Words no man ever wants
to hear a woman say.

What?

What did I do?
You know.

You snuck out
of the house last night.

Prove it.

Busted.

( sighs )

Okay, how much do you want?

$50.

$50?!
That's my whole week's pay.

It's either that or Mom's going
to smack the sneak out of you.

Fine.

( gasps )

How long was that?

Two minutes and 15 seconds.

Dang.

I was getting found out
at home

and finding out things
at school.

Hey, Chris.

What happened at the movies
Friday night?

We couldn't make it,
but I heard somebody got shot.

Somebody got shot?

Yeah.

Oh, well,

I wouldn't know, 'cause...

I didn't go.

Hold up.
You stood us up?

But you just said
that you didn't go.

It don't matter.

If we invite you someplace,
we expect you to show up.

That's just rude, man.

Sorry.

Too bad we didn't go.

If we had seen that shooting,

we'd be collecting
that reward money right now.

Reward money?

Yeah.

The cops are offering
a thousand dollars

to anybody who can
identify the shooter.

Thousand dollars?

What are you, a parrot?
A parrot?

Yeah, every time
I say something, you say it.

I say it?
Anyway, I'll catch you later.

Catch you later.

Don't stand us up again.

In the meantime,
the silent treatment

was ringing
in my father's ears.

Oh, come on, honey.

It's been three days.

How long you gonna keep
giving me the silent treatment?

You ruined my anniversary.
I'd say about a year.

He'd like to go for two.

Why is it always
my responsibility

to make sure
the anniversary is good

while you get to sit back
and complain?

I spent money
on dinner, tickets,

a hotel, and what do I get?

$250 worth of angry stare.

Nowadays that stare
costs over a thousand.

Okay, Mr. Hurt Feelings,

exactly what is it
that you want me to do?

ROCHELLE:
Happy anniversary!

The Jet Beauties again?!

Have fun, baby.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Hi.

Now, you just had to push it,
didn't you?

My mother didn't even want
my father's dreams

to run off with a white woman.

Back at school,
I was wondering how to collect

a thousand dollars without
collecting a bullet in my back.

You can't do it, man.

You have any idea what they do
to snitches in the joint?

Do you?
Yeah, I do.

My Aunt Patricia told me.

Your Aunt Patricia
was in jail?

Yeah, but that was when
she was still my Uncle Pat.

Trust me, dude,
you do not want to snitch.

I don't know, man,
I got to do something.

There's a thousand dollars
with my name on it.

Whatever you do,
don't include me.

And if anybody asks, this
conversation never happened.

To get that cold, hard cash,

I needed someone
to take the heat.

So, all I got to do
is go into the police station,

give a description of the guy,

they give me a thousand dollars,
and I could keep half?

Right.
No, thanks.

I ain't trying to be no snitch.
Oh, no, no, no.

See, you're not snitching,

I'm snitching.

You're just collecting
the snitch money.

Hmm.

Okay, I'll do it,
but don't tell nobody.

What you think I am, a snitch?

Yes.

Hey.

You got the money?

They said I get it as soon
as they arrest the guy.

So, you told them about
the red shirt and two-tone shoes

and the stingy brim hat?
Yep.

It was either a black guy
or Justin Timberlake.

Then I picked him
out of a lineup.

You did what?!
I picked him out of a lineup.

You never saw him. What if
you picked the wrong guy?

Hey, it happens to me
all the time.

Hold it right there.

You're under arrest.
Wha-wha-what?

Falsifying a police report,
obstruction of justice.

Back then police still cared

about arresting
the right person.

At the barbershop, rumors
about Jerome were spreading

faster than Britney Spears
for the paparazzi.

Cannot believe Jerome snitched.

Ain't nothing they hate more
in jail than a snitch.

There's a few things
they hate more,

but let's say snitching's
in the top five.

Man, I know a dude
that committed suicide,

didn't leave a note, 'cause
he didn't want to be a snitch.

Is it really that bad in there?
Nah, prison is fun.

You guys don't think
they'll kill him, do you?

( others murmuring )

Don't look at me!

I don't know nothing.

Back home, my father hoped
some special treatment

would end the silent treatment.

Julius, what the heck
are you doing here in the dark?

( soft music plays )

I'm giving you
your anniversary back.

( sighs )

Julius, this is amazing.

You did all of this for me?

And there's more.

I got you two tickets
to Show Dogs tonight.

I have to work,
but you can take Vanessa.

Well, what about the kids?

Chris stayed with them
the other night.

He could take care
of them again.

Oh, baby, this is the best
make-up anniversary ever.

Translation:

you blew it once,
don't let it happen again.

My father was
out of the doghouse...

( phone ringing )

...but Jerome was still
stuck in the big house.

Hello?

Little dude
from across the street?

Jerome?
Yo, you got to get me

out of here, man.

People think I'm a snitch.

And how am I supposed
to do that?

I ain't no snitch,

so evenif I did know,
I wouldn't tell you.

All I know is
I'm in here because of you,

so either we both gonna be out
or we both gonna be in.

You decide.

I had to sneak out
of the house,

but as always, one little thing
stood in my way.

Tonya.

What?

I have to go out,
and I don't want you to tell.

How much?
Ten dollars,

plus you do laundry
on my next turn.

Deal.

Down at the police station,

I needed to get Jerome out

without getting myself
thrown in.

What can I do for you, son?

I got a question.
How can I get someone out

of jail who shouldn't
be in jail?

Two ways.

You got to post bail
or they got to be innocent.

Well, what if they're in jail

for giving information
that was wrong.

Bring us the person with
the information that's right.

You mean a snitch?

I like to call them

"the law's little helpers."

Is there something
you want to tell me?

I had run out of options.

The only way to get Jerome
out of that dirty jail

was to come clean.

Okay.

Meanwhile, my mother celebrated
her anniversary

the way my father dreamed it--
Thank you.

--with Vanessa.
Ooh, it's about to start.

Okay, ooh, ooh.

( barks )

Ooh!
Damn it!

Vanessa!
I-I know...

And that's why black people
hate Broadway.

What y'all looking at?

After trying to not snitch
on someone else,

I had to finally snitch
on myself.

Man! Little dude!

Am I glad to see you.

You're lucky your story
checked out, son.

Your friend could've
gotten hurt in there.

You guys would have protected
him, right?

No. And don't try running games
on us again.

We do this stuff
for a living.

Am I going to jail?

You seem like a decent kid and
there was no real harm done--

Besides that guy that got shot.

--so we're gonna forget
this happened.

Now you,
you seem like a criminal.

That's because he is.

But we're gonna let
you go, too.

He'll be back.

You're lucky
we got bigger fish to fry.

Now, don't you knuckleheads
let me catch you

doing anything
like this again.

Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.

Little dude,
you snitched?

Yeah.
Thanks.

That day I learned
people don't like it

when a snitch puts them
in jail,

but they sure don't mind it

when a snitch gets them out.

That week my mother
got another surprise.

Hello, ma'am.

Yes, can I help you?

You must be Chris's mom.

Uh, may I come in?

Sure.

As I'm sure you're aware,

last Friday
at the midnight movies,

Chris was a witness
to a shooting.

He was?
Yes.

And the valuable information
he gave us

led us to the arrest
of the perpetrator.

Wait, hold on.

Last Friday? At midnight?

Yes. You didn't know?

No.
Well,

anyway, I'm just here

to personally deliver
this reward of $1,000

and to thank him.
Is he around?

He's around.

But I'm not sure
how much longer.

Officer, thank you so much
for coming by.

I'll be sure that
he gets this.

Of course.

Thank you for your time.
Mm-hmm.

If you don't mind me asking,

what in the world is he doing?

Well, he's trying to get
on That's Incredible.

Son, I hate to be the one
to tell you this,

but That's Incredible has been
off the air for two years now.

They're called reruns.

The only thing that hurt more
than Drew's feet

was my sore behind after my mom
gave me a whoopin'.

But the next day, I was just
glad everything was behind me.

Yo, little dude
from across the street.

I heard they caught
the shooter

and you got paid.

I did my part,
so where's my $500?

My mom took it.

You can ask her for it.

Nah, nah, man.

My deal was with you.

Well, I don't have it.

Well, then looks like

you're just gonna have to
give me a dollar a day

for the next...

* Can you see them? *

* See right through them? *

500 days?

I was gonna say 50.

Well, that's what you get
for snitching.

Now, let me hold a dollar.

* Our lips are sealed *

* Everybody hates Chris *

( funky hip-hop theme playing )

* Oh, make if funky now *