Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 4 - Everybody Hates the English Teacher - full transcript

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Before I was a student
at Tattaglia,

I had no idea what to expect
from high school.

I thought it might
be dangerous.

I thought it might be exciting.

Damn, I could've lost an eye.

The classes that I thoughtwould be excitingwere boring.

Does anyone know what these are?

Reason her husband cries?

Beaver tails?

And the boring classes
were even worse.

This semester,



we will explore
the great books of literature

from the 20th Century,

and you will write reports on these books
from the 20th Century.

You will turn them
into me,

and I will read them,

and I will grade them.

My English teacher was like
a sleeping pill in a skirt.

Everybody Hates Chris S04E04

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After mere words failed
to bore us to death,

Ms. Rivera unleashed
her next weapon:

the boring assignment.

The first book you're
gonna write a report on

is Invisible Man
by Ralph Ellison.



It is the story of a man

who feels invisible
in modern society.

She's putting me to sleep,
and I'm in the future.

It's very exciting,

and some people find it
stimulating

and inspiring.

How long do we have?

Until we finish the book,

or until the book finishes us!

It's due at the end of the week.

This is great--

Invisible Man.

It's about time
we pay homage to the revolutionaries.

Are yocrazy?
We have five days to read this book and write a report.

I can't even get through the
title without falling asleep.

Dude, you're looking
at this all wrong.

That's what I said to Greg

when he saw his first
Playboy centerfold.

No, I'm looking at this
like I'll never get it done.

How are you looking at it?

Look at it like you're about to make the best friend a guy can have

a book.

Greg felt that way
until this happened.

What's it gonna
be, Greg?

Me or Lord of
the Rings?

Sorry, man.

Through the work
of those great authors,

you can transport yourself
back to a time

when things were simpler.

I wish I could be transported
to a time when I was actually awake.

So what are you gonna do?

I don't know,

but I'm gonna find a way to bring excitement
to The Invisible Man.

Why don't you find him
an invisible woman?

While I struggled
with my English class,

myather struggled
with home economics.

I think we need
to raise Mr. Omar's rent.

Ooh, he's not going
to like that.

You know how Mr. Omar is.

I don't care how he is.

You think I can tell that
to the phone company?

"I-I'd love to pay,
but you know how I am."

All I'm saying is,
he's a good tenant.

I don't want to lose him.

If we lose the house,

we don't have to worry
about losing a tenant.

I know that, but maybe we can
look at some other areas.

What other areas, Rochelle?

What? You want me
to knock over a bank?

Now you're thinking.

Get Peaches and Malvo,
and rob a liquor store?

Look. I made up my mind.

I'm raising Mr. Omar's rent.

Well?

It's done.

What the hell?

What does it say?

It's from Mr. Omar.

It says, "Open the door."

Evening, Mr. Julius,
Ms. Rochelle.

Hi, Mr. Omar.

Who's this?

I'm Mr. Randall.

He's the
building inspector.

Building inspector?

After a careful inspection
of Mr. Omar's apartment,

I've found the
following violations.
Violations?

And, to justify
any rent increase,

you'll have to bring
the cited items up to code.

Uh-huh. 'Cause I don't mind
paying more rent,

but everything
gotta be right.
You know how I am.

You will have to
provide alternate accommodations

until said apartment
is brought up to code.

What does that mean?

That means you have to find him
a new place to stay.

What?

Call me for an approval inspection
after thwork is done.

And get your CO2 levels checked.

Get them checked.

We can't do all this,
and put up Mr. Omar, too.

You should have thought about that
before you took that note upstairs.

Well, we could do most
of the work ourselves, and......

we could let
him stay here, and we
could cut down costs.

Stay here?

You got a better idea?

Yeah. Don't raise
Mr. Omar's rent.

Oh, yeah,
that's right.

You didn't
like that idea.

While my father read
his code violations,

I decided
to skip reading altogether.

All right. The Invisible Dog,
The Invisible Mice, Shaft--

Ohh! How did that
get in there?

All right.

One Nation Invisible,Now You See 'Em,
Now You Don't,
Peek-a-boo--

That's cute. That's for kids.
Hard To See...

Ah! The Invisible Man.
Here you go.

So what made you
think of this anyway, Chris?

Well, I remembered that Jaws
was a book before a movie,

so I figured they made a movie
out of The Invisible Man.

I wish they'd start
making movies into books.

Popcorn getting expensive.

Right. Um, you guys mind
if I watch this in here?

Yeah.
Yeah. Go
right ahead, man.

So who's in it anyway?

Probably Sidney Poitier.

Or Jim Brown... My man!

Jim Brown was actually the
second choice to Sydney Poitier

for the lead in many roles,

cluding
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.

After watching
The Invisible Man,

I managed to do
in a few hours

what it was taking Greg
a few days to do.

So, how do you like
the book so far?

Oh, it was great.

I already
turned in my report.

Already turned it in?

I'm only, like, halfway
through the book.

I've never seen you crank out
a book report this fast.

I didn't read the book.

I watched the movie.

What movie?

The Invisible Man.

You know, the guy drinks
the serum, disappears.

Dude, the movie
The Invisible Man

has absolutely nothing
to do with the book
Invisible Man.

I don't know
what you wrote,
but whatever it is,

you better hope
Ms. Rivera doesn't read it.

Too bad I didn't write
that paper in invisible ink!

While I was trying
not to fail English,

my parents were trying
not to fail inspection.

I said it.

I said, look
in some other areas,

maybe trim a little
here or there, but no!

No. Ole Truck Turner
here had a better idea.

Rochelle...
It just burns me up

to think that
we're up here working,

while he's downstairs
in our house, chilling.

Oh, he's not that bad.

Not bad? Julius, in
one night he managed to...

drink all the Kool-Aid...

file his toenails
on my table...

and keep me up half
the night playing records.

Okay, maybe he is
a little nuisance.

Yeah, like cancer.

Rochelle

it's not like you didn't have anything
to do with it.

Every time I turn around,
you're quitting another job.

Since when?

Since whenever.

I'm just saying,

I hope you like
being at the beauty salon,

because if you find a job
you really like,

maybe I wouldn't
have to keep two jobs.

Oh! Oh, oh, wait a minute.

So you're saying that

you think I use the fact that you have two
jobs as a reason to quit a job?

I didn't say that.

But she did.

I do not need this.
My man has two jobs.

I don't need this, man!
My man has two jobs!

I do not need this, okay?

My man has two jobs!

Look. Let's just
get this finished.

Fine.

Trying to blame
all this on me.

Is that all you watch?
The Munsters?

He watches
The Addams Family, too.

Hey, what's not to love?

Lily? Now, that's a woman.

Shame her sband's
already dead.

Can we watch
something else?
I'm bored.

Why don't you play
a game? Play cards.

Yeah, that's a good idea.
Let's play blackjack.

What you know
about blackjack?

All you have to do is get 21.

Well, you know what makes
that game really good?

What?
Wagering.

Cool. You want to play?

Yeah.
Can I deal?

Yeah.

Oh, hell, yeah.

After searching every class,

I figured Ms. Rivera
could only be in one place--

the teachers' lounge.

Teachers may have
been boring in class,

but the teachers' lounge
was a whole other thing.

Kids. I hate these kids.

These damn kids.

Who needs them?

I guess I do.

Damn...

kids.

Chris,

what are you doing here?

I'm looking for Ms. Rivera.
I need to talk to her.

This is the teacher's lounge.
It's not for students.

Ms. Morello!
Oh! I'm up next!

Uh, Ms. Rivera.

I need to talk to you.

Chris.

I need to talk to you, too.

I need my book
report back.

I need to change
some things.

A little late for that.

Wait, this says "I."

That's because you didn't do
the assignment that I gave you.

You do realize that the movie
TheInvisible Man

has absolutely nothing to do
with the book Invisible Man.

Yeah, I know that now, but
why didn't you fail me?

Your take on the movie
was insightful.

You captured the fun
and all the underlying allegorical parallels.

I did?

I did?

We should go in the hallway.

Yeah, before I get
a contact high.

Chris, you're a good writer.

That's why I gave you
an incomplete.

You're going to have
to read the book, though.

Why didn't you just do
what I told you to do?

'Cause, if we're writing
about the same story,

what difference does it make
whether I saw the movie or read the book?

Hey, I like movies, too.

In fact, one of my favorites
is, uh, Rocky.

I love Rocky.

"I'll wait for you here."

"How about I wait here
and you fight, huh?"

Do you remember
"They call me Mr. Tibbs"?

In The Heat
of The Night.

"What's your prediction
for the fight?"

"Pain."

Rocky III.
Rocky III.

See, if you love
movies so much,

why can't we just
write papers on those?

I'd get an "A" every time.

That's a good idea, Chris,

but I've been given a curriculum
and I cannot deviate from that.

Well, the curriculum
isn't working.

Half the class is asleep.

That was the year Congress
passed No Child Left Awake.

I... don't like to make waves.

Besides, it wouldn't make
any difference.

"I find your lack of
faith disturbing."

Darth Vader.

I'm gonna go
work on my paper.

Chris.

Yeah?

Let's do it.

Years later,
those very same words

would send Mary Kay Letourneau
to jail.

21.

You hit on 17?

What Mr. Omar didn't know was
that when it came to numbers,

Drew was like my father.

Wow, that's 562,002
granules of sugar.

Wow, that's 357,000 raindrops.

Wow, that's one cupcake!

Two jacks!

I got 20.

I've got five. Hit me.

That's eight.

Hit me.

That's ten.
Hit me.

That's fifteen.
Hit me.

Are there any face cards
in the deck?

You'll see.

That's 20.
Hit me.

Another ace?

21!

Tragic. Tragic!

Yes!

Mr. Omar would like to hit him
one more time.

Smell good?

Back in my class,

things were getting a little
more exciting than I expected.

This was a great idea, Chris.

Thanks.

What is going on here?

Ms. Morello,

instead of writing reports
about books like we usually do,

I thought I would switch
it up by watching

movies based on books,
and write about those.

Ms. Rivera, I don't know what
they do in Puerto Rico,

but changing curriculum is unacceptable.

I hope you realize
this is a very serious offense.

You could lose your job.

Comprende?

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Dios mio! Where would you get
such a ridiculous idea?

I didn't think Ms. Rivera had
heat vision,

but I turned away to protect
my eyes just in case.

Ms. Rivera took my idea
to watch movies in class

and ended up getting the book
thrown at her.

I hope she doesn't get
into too much trouble.

I like Ms. Rivera.

You know, I knew this
was gonna happen.

This is why I'm
a conformist.

I don't see what
the big deal is.

The idea is for us to learn.
Who cares how we do it?

There he is. He's the one
that inspired it all.

Inspired all of what?

Well, when I spoke
to the superintendent

about what was going on
in class,

I thought we would fire Ms. Rivera immediately

and have her deported,

but it turns out she's
an American citizen!

I love what you've been doing
and I really wanted to meet you.

Chris, she told us
this was your idea.

Yeah, it kinda was.

Good job, young man.

I'm sure that your parents
are very proud.

Why don't we get one
with all of us?

Most black men can't
make their inability
to read work for them.

Tell that to 50 Cent.

Ms. Rivera,

you need to get
on this.

Oh, no, really.
I'm not very photogenic.

No, no, no, I insist.
Right this way.

There we are.

Back home, the inspector
was making a list

and checking it once.

This was an inspection,
not Christmas.

Everything's up to code.

So can you just sign off
on this now?

Well, everything looks good
except for one thing.

What?
What?

This box,

it's one of the pre-1950
fuse boxes still in service.

City code requires that
be replaced by a code circuit-breaker panel.

We can't afford that.

Well, until that fuse box
is replaced,

this apartment's uninhabitable.

You mean I can't move
back into my place?

I got widows to see.

Well, unless you want them
to die in an electrical fire,

that box has got to go.

So how long is this
gonna take, man?

I'm sorry,
but I don't have the money.

There's nothing I can do.

I guess you just
have to stay with us
until I get it.

Ms. Rivera, you left so fast,
we didn't get a chance to talk about today.

Isn't it great?
They're gonna put our picture in the newspaper.

I heard.

You don't seem happy about it.

Well, I just.
I don't feel so well.

Oh. Well, what's all this?

Just... cleaning out
the classroom.

Oh.

Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

Chris...

Yeah?

"You still here?

It's over. Go home. Go."

Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Back at home, Mr. Omar was
trying to get himself outof what he got himself into.

What are you doing here? I
thought you went back upstairs.

Drew, I was wondering if you
could make me a little loan.

For what?

Well, it seems the only thing
standing between me

getting back in my apartment
is a new circuit-breaker panel,

but it costs $300 and neither me
nor your father have the money.

True. I can loan you the money.

Turn around.

Thank goodness
I really appreciate this, Drew.

And it'll only cost you
12 easy payments
of $30 a month.

But that's $360.

I know.

Drew went on to make a fortune
selling sub-prime mortgages.

Please. Thank you.

Today we'll be reading
Shakespeare's Othello.

It is the exciting story
of black rage.

Where's Ms. Rivera?

She didn't show up today.

There he is!

Agent Barnes, FBI.
We need to talk to you.

Are they mistaking me
for Marion Barry?

What's all this?

Oh, I bought the
breaker panel myself,

so it's not gonna
cost you a penny.

That was music
to my father's ears.

Looks good.
You can move back in.

Oh, however,

I'm gonna take the cost of the panel
and deduct it from my rent.

Fine. That's fine, right?

That means your rent'll be
exactly what it is now.

I know.

Look, last time I saw
Ms. Rivera,

she was loading things
into her car.

She didn't tell me
where she was going.

Name's not "Ms. Rivera."
It's Karen Rodriguez.

But you already knew that,
didn't you?

No, I didn't.

What'd she do, anyway?

Did she sneak
across the border?

The Puerto Rican border?

She embezzled a quarter of a million dollars
from the teachers' pension plan in Moab, Utah.

I'm not sure
what's more shocking:

the fact that a teachers'
pension plan hada quarter of a million dollars

or that there was
a Puerto Rican in Utah.

Chris.

That's how she hid herself
in Utah.

Ms. Rivera?

She dressed like a Mormon.

It's Perez now. I wanted
to say good-bye.

FBI agents were looking for you
all over the sool.

You didn't say anything,
did you?

No.

Good.

They've been chasing me
for eight years.

Is it true what they say about you being a fugitive
and stealing all that money?

I didn't buy this car
with trading stamps.

If you could, my father
would have one.

If it wasn't for that article,
they would have never found me.

Oh, well, I'm sorry
for blowing your cover.

I had forgotten how exciting
life could be,

and you reminded me of that.

Thanks, Chris.

You're welcome.

So where you going now?

I thought I'd go
to Hollywood.

I'll fit right in.

See you in the movies, kid.

Well, once again,
I learned a lesson.

I learned that movies can
teach youalmost as much as books can,

but in the process, I lost the
best teacher I ever had.

Today we will be reading
about the wonders of air.

Are there any questions?

I didn't think so. Let's begin.

What was that for?

For making a boring class
exciting, then boring again.

Thanks for nothing, Clubber.