Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 22 - Everybody Hates the G.E.D. - full transcript

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* Ay-oh, let's go... *

CHRIS ROCK:
Just about everything
I ever went through

in school was hard.

The work was tough.

"Q"? What's a Q?

The people were mean.

* They're going
Through a tight one *

Go ahead.

* The kids are losing
Their minds *

* Blitzkrieg bop *

Are we having a fight
or a dance-off?



* Gonna raise steam heat *

You know
I can't dance.

But the one thing
about school that was harder

than anything else...

Chris, wake up.
...was getting there.

It's time to go to school.
You can't learn nothing in bed.

Tell that to Kim Kardashian.

* I don't know,
They're all revved up *

While most people kids
were still sleeping,

I had to get my clothes on,

wash my face,
brush my teeth,eat...

Hey-hey-hey!

Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!
Wait, wait!

...and then catch three buses.



( rap beat playing )

If I got the first one
on time,

it gave me just enough time
to catch the second one...

( Latin music playing )

which usually made me right
on time to catch the third one.

( classical music playing )

And if nothing went wrong,
I'd be on time.

Hey, Chris.
Hey.

After you.

( bell rings )

You're late.

Now go to the principal's office
and get a tardy slip.

Here.

Just for the record,
Chris,

you can't afford
to be late again.

The clocks in this school
are set

to Eastern Standard Time,
not CP time.

What difference does it make?
We took all our tests.

We only got, like,
one more week to go.

Counting today,
you have been late 29 times

this year,
and 30 is the limit.

If you're late again,

you will not be promoted.

You will have to repeat
the tenth grade.

Say what?
Say word.

Oh, there's a word I want
to say, all right.

( funky theme playing )

* Ah, make it funky now *

While I worried about
getting to school,

Tonya was worried
about getting out of school.

Boy, slow down!
You're acting like your food

is trying to get away from you.

I'm trying to get to bed.

I'm really tired.

Hey, Daddy,

can I get my hair done
at Nessa's for graduation?

Sure, baby.
Can I get a new dress too?

You don't need a new dress.
You can wear your church dress.

But I wore that for Easter.
If I wear it for graduation,

I'll look back at the pictures,
won't know what I'm remembering.

You'll remember
that we couldn't afford

to buy you
two dresses.

In one of the pictures, you'll
be holding the chocolate bunny.

Love you. Good night.
Good night.

That's okay. I've been saving
up for this.

How many times does a girl
graduate from sixth grade?

In Bed-Stuy, five.

Thanks, Daddy.
What are you writing, Drew?

It's a list of things I can do
on Amateur Night at The Apollo.

I'm gonna try out.

JULIUS:
Drew, that's a tough audience.

You can't just go up there
and do anything.

They will boo you faster
than Casper on Halloween.

Stevie Wonder could see
before he did Amateur Night.

They booed him blind.

They booed Magic Johnson
so bad, he gave up singing.

Magic Johnson
is a basketball player.

Now.

Well, they're not
gonna boo me.

That's what Roseanne said

before she sang
the national anthem.

( alarm clock beeping )

I made it on time.

The joke was there was nothing
to be on time for.

Good morning.

Okay.

Amy...

Bethany...

Bill...

Bobby...

Caroline...
Chris...

Here.

David...

Donna,

You do realize no one's here
besides me?

You think I want to be here
doing this, hmm?

Last week of school,
everybody's out having a picnic,

playing softball.

But I gotta be here with you.

So I'm gonna
take attendance.

And you're gonna sit there
and you're gonna shut up.

Frank, Garrett...

Meanwhile, my father was
about to make a huge mistake.

Hey, Pam.

Oh, Julius, thank God.

Why, what happened?
You hit the number again?

No, I need $25.
I left my wallet at home,

and I need to pick up
my dry cleaning

Pam, you know how I feel
about lending people money.

Like the Klan feels
about black people.

Julius, you know
I'm good for it.

You'll get it back
so quick,

you won't even know
you gave it to me.

Save yourself some time.
Don't give it to her.

Didn't your hair
used to be yellow?

That's blond.

My father used to say to me,

"There's no such thing
as early.

You're either on time or late."

You waiting on the bus?
Yeah.

It was on time today.

What do you mean?
It always comes at 7:22.

It ain't supposed to.

Supposed to come at 6:58.

God!

I'd been worried all week
about what would happen

if one thing went wrong.

I never considered
what would happen

if everything went wrong.

MAN ( over P.A. ):
Ladies and gentlemen,

this car is now going express
to Far Rockaway.

Far Rockaway?

That's far out the way.

Ten stops past
where I have to go.

A wise man once said,
"Never challenge worse."

I was a block away from school
with 60 seconds to make it.

I didn't think things
could get worse. I was wrong.

( sirens wailing )

( machine gunfire )

* Ball of confusion *

* That's what the world
Is today *

* Hey-hey *

* The sale of pills
Are at an all-time high *

* Young folks walking around
With their heads in the sky *

* The cities ablaze
In the summertime *

* And, oh, the beat goes on *

* Evolution, revolution,
Gun control, sound of soul *

* Shooting rockets to the moon,
Kids growing up too soon *

* Politicians say more taxes
Will solve everything *

* So, around and around
And around we go *

* Where the world's headed... *

Oh, my God, my baby!

(baby cries)

Freeze!

This the guy?

The guy that what?
The guy who stole my car.

I didn't...
Shut up.

How tall are you?
I'm five-seven.

I did not steal--
Shut up!

No,
I don't think it's him.

Are you sure?
Take a closer look.

He was wearing a mask.
Wearing a mask?

He was wearing a mask.
Cover your face.

Not your eyes,
your mouth.

What'd he say?
He said, "Give me your car."

Say, "Give me your car."
Give me your car.

Give me your car!
Give me your car.

No.
That's not him?

No.
Are you sure?

Yeah.
All right, beat it.

( bell rings )

You're late.

Please, Mr. Thurman.

Principal's office.
You're late.

Mr. Thurman, please,
I can't be late.

Then consider yourself early
for next year.

Usually, my mother was my
judge, jury and executioner,

but now she was my lawyer.

Why does he have to repeat
the entire tenth grade?

Can't he just repeat
one day?

Let me put it
in your vernacular.

Rules is rules.

What did you say?

It's okay, Ma.
She does that.

I'll explain it later.

Well, I don't understand

why you can't make an exception
for him.

I mean, didn't he pass
all his tests,

including his finals?

Yes,

but this isn't about education.

This is about punctuality.

Look, could I appeal
to a higher authority

and have Chris promoted
liked we did

when the Vice Superintendent's
daughter got pregnant

and missed
the entire tenth grade? Yes!

But you don't really
want your son being coddled

and helped through life
and all of its obstacles

like some rich little
white girl, do you?

Say yes, say yes!

No. No, I guess you're right.

Iam.

You may not realize
this now, Chris,

but making you repeat
the tenth grade

is the biggest favor
I'm ever going to do for you.

While I was trying to make
the grade at Tattaglia,

Drew was figuring out
how to make the cut.

Amateur Night?

Amateur Night?

Are you crazy?

Are you crazy?

You know, the Pope came
to Harlem once.

Tried to give mass
at the Apollo.

Got booed off.

Got booed off.

That crowd was tougher
than the Vietcong.

Tougher than
the Vietcong.

We all performed
at the Apollo.

Oh, yeah?
What'd you do?

ALL:
Sang Luther Vandross'
"A House Is Not a Home."

( crowd jeers, shouts )
* A chair is still a chair *

MAN 1: Boo!
MAN 2: Get off the stage!

( high-pitched ):
* Said when there's no one *

* Sitting *

* There-ee-er-ee-ere *

( off-key ):
* But a *

* Chair *

* Is not a house *

* And a house is not a home *

( crowd shouts, jeers continue )
* If there's no one there *

* To hold you tight *

* And no one there *

* You can kiss *

( loud jeering )
* Good night... *

( siren wailing )
* Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... *

( siren continues )

( crowd booing )

Wow! So, what happened?

ALL:
Got booed off.

Got booed off.

Meanwhile, I was going down
like O.J. in the Vegas trial.

Chris,
this is your own fault.

If you would've told me
you were having problems,

then I could've
done something.

It's not the end
of the world.

Most people don't get
to finish the tenth grade once.

You get to do it twice.

It's kind of like
working a double shift.

Do you know how embarrassing
that's gonna be?

As embarrassing

as being 40 and still
living with your mother

'cause you were too stupid
to listen to her

and repeat the tenth grade,
get your diploma?

Ma, if I'm late again,
I'm gonna be

in the tenth grade
for the rest of my life.

Then be on time.

May I be excused?

Yeah, go ahead.

If you want to sulk,

go sulk--it's not
gonna change anything.

Ask Hillary Clinton.

Drew,
what's taking you so long?

Hey, Mom,
come look at my hair.

Oh, that's nice!

Vanessa better get
back here soon.

You did a great job.

I don't know, I think it should
cover more of her face.

So, Julius,
what do you think?

Looks nice.
Yeah, just wrap it up

for the next couple
of nights-- it'll hold.

That's what they told
Michael Jackson about his face.

Go help your brother.

So how much do we owe you?

Uh, with your discount, $25.

Julius, pay her.

Ooh,
dinner smells good.

Ooh, and lamb chops--
Ooh, I love lamb chops.

Chris isn't hungry-- You can
have his plate if you want.

Oh, thank you.
You know, I had reservations

at Pastures and Shores, but, uh,

now I can keep the money.

You gonna do
something special with it?

Like pay off some debts,
something like that?

No. That's the best thing
about having money

is I don't owe anybody.

My father was trying
to get his cash out of Pam,

and my mother was trying
to get me out of the house.

Chris, time to get up.

I'm not going to school today.

What's wrong? You sick?

No, I'm not sick.

I'm dropping out.

And in about an hour,
I'll be coming to.

After my mother tried
knocking some sense into me,

she tried totalk
some sense into me.

Chris,
I'm not gonna sit back

and watch you
throw your life away.

Mom, you can't make me go.

I did not spend all these
years trying to make sure--

He's right, Rochelle.
We can't force him to go.

But if you think
you're gonna sit around

this house all day,
think again.

If you don't go to school,
you go to work.

Well, what kind of job
is he supposed to get

with a tenth-grade education?

I don't know, ask George Bush.

What's it gonna be, Chris?

So that's it?
You're quitting school?

Look, I'm not repeating
the tenth grade.

I don't know what else to do.

Well, have you thought
about a G.E.D.?

G.E.D.?

In the job market,
it would put you

on an equal level
with any ex-con.

Except for the ones
who finished high school.

I suppose it's
for the best, though.

How's that?

If you're a sophomore
I'm a junior,

there's no way I could
be seen with you.

I don't have any more
cool points to lose, dude.

From the zero
you started out with.

Hey, Kelly, Alex.

So is it true,
you flunked out?

I didn't flunk out.

But I am leaving school.

Cool. You want
to hang out sometime?

You're kidding me, right?

No, I mean, I've been
beating the crap out of you

all these years,
because secretly,

I've been envious
of your determination

and your accomplishments.

I was only trying
to crush your spirit

so I wouldn't feel inferior.

But now that
you're dropping out,

society will take over,
so we can hang.

So who are you gonna
pick on when I'm gone?

Just give me a minute.

All right, go ahead.

( grunts )

While I was getting beat
by the system,

Drew was drumming up
a new idea.

MAN 1: Oh, yeah!
( percussion playing )

MAN 2: Yeah!

That's it!

Oh, cool!

While I was trying
to get a handle on my future,

my father was trying
to get a handle on his cash.

Hey, Julius, what are
you doing over here?

You need a shave?
No.

I need $25.
$25?

I don't know, that's a lot.

I'm not comfortable with
loaning out that kind of money.

Neither was I when
I loaned it to you.

Can I get my money back, please?

Oh, my God,
I forgot all about that.

How do you forget

where you got some free money?

How do you forget where
you got some free money?

I found $20 dollars one time.

I was on Flatbush Avenue

in front of the check-cashing
place.

It was 5:07 p.m.
on a Wednesday.

Sixty-four degrees.

I remember it like
it was yesterday.

I found a 10, a 5,

a $2 bill, $2 and 50 cents
in quarters,

three nickels and 25 pennies.

One of them was Canadian.
I'm sorry.

Why didn't you
just say something?

Why didn't you
just pay him back?

Um, can I pay you back tomorrow?
I left my wallet at home.

You've got a cash register
right there.

After all my parents
did for me,

I tried to do
something for myself.

G.E.D.?

Yeah, it's just like
graduating from high school.

No, it's not.

Do you get
a G.E.D. cap and gown?

Could people sign
your G.E.D. yearbook?

Do they have a G.E.D. reunion?

Yes, it's called
"Flavor of Love."

Ma, a lot of people got
their G.E.D. and did fine.

I looked it up.
Yeah? Like who?

Bill Cosby got a G.E.D.
So what,

you want to be comedian? Ha!

Very funny.

Chris,
is this what you want to do?

Yes.
( groans )

I'll make you all proud of me.
JULIUS: Okay.

As long as you're out
when you're 18.

It'll be all right.

If he doesn't
make us proud,

I'll kill him,
and nobody'll ever know.

While I was marching to the
beat of a different drummer,

Drew was beating the odds
at the Apollo.

( crowd jeering, shouting )

( people whooping )
MAN: All right!

MAN:
All right!

( crowd cheering )

Now, that boy is smart.

I just knew he was
gonna get booed off,

but everybody knows
you can't boo kids

and you can't boo God. Mm!

At least he's not singing
"A House Is Not a Home."

What are you doing?

I'm singing
"A House Is Not a Home."

After Drew got
his standing ovation,

Tonya got one too.
Congratulations.

(orchestral music playing)

Hi, baby!

That's my daughter.

That's my daughter.

After taking the G.E.D.,

I wasn't sure
if I had passed or failed,

but I knew
there was no turning back.

Pencils down.

( heavy sigh )

Next to a pregnancy scare,

waiting for the results
from my G.E.D.

was one of the scariest
moments of my life.

* Clouds change the scene *

* Rain starts a-washing *

* All these cautions *

* Into your life *

Who gets that
fried crust?

* Just what is true... *

( Bon Jovi's
"Living on a Prayer" playing)

Hi, baby.

Hey.
Where's Drew and Tonya?

They're walking
over from Doc's.

CHRIS ( sings along ):
* Tommy used to work
On the docks *

There you go.
Thank you.

* Union's been on strike *

* He's down on his luck *

* It's tough *

* So tough *

* Gina works the diner *

Hey!
Hi, Mom.

Oh, I love fried crusts.

Don't fill up on it.

Where's Daddy?

DREW:
In his skin-- When he jumps out,

you can jump in.

( song continues )

* She says we gotta *

( singing along ):
* Hold on *

* To what we've got *

* 'Cause it doesn't
Make a difference *

* If we make or not *

* We got each other *

* And that's a lot *

* For love *

* We'll give it a shot *

ALL:
* Oh... *

* We're halfway there *

* Oh, oh *

* Livin' on a prayer *

* Take my hand *

* We'll make it, I swear *

* Oh, oh *

* Livin' on a prayer *

( song continues )

* Tommy's got
His six-string in hock *

* Now, he's holding in *

I heard they were hiring
at Red Lobster.

They're not hiring you.

I wonder how hungry people
have to be to eat a lobster.

Like, who looks at that and
says, "Man, that looks good"?

Have you thought about
what you're gonna do

if you don't pass the G.E.D.?
JULIUS: Hey, everybody.

Hey, Daddy.
Hi.

What's that?

Chris's G.E.D. results.

Did you pass?
Open it.

Is that fried crust?

Yeah, and it's good.

What's it say?

* We've gotta hold on... *

( funky theme playing )