Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 21 - Everybody Hates Bomb Threats - full transcript

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* Shut up!*

CHRIS:
The week before finals

was the most pressure-packed
time of the year.

Kids reacted to the pressure
in lots of different ways.

Some kids took it out
on themselves.

Some kids
took it out on others.

When I got stressed out,

only one thing
ever worked for me:

cracking jokes.

I saw your mama standing
outside the free clinic

reading a bottle of aspirin.



I asked her what she was doing.

She says, "Studying
for my drug test."

( laughs )
That's good.

( chuckles )

Very good, very
good, very good.

Very funny.

You got a way with words.

Which would be
a good thing

if this was...

you-got-a-way-with-word-ology!

But is this that?

No.

You're right.

Do you know
William Henry Harrison?



Yeah, wasn't he that guy

who cleaned up that woman
in My Fair Lady?

No, that was RexHarrison.

Oh.

William Henry Harrison

was the ninth President
of the United States,

and he gave

the longest inaugural address
in history.

And guess what?

What?

Since you like
to talk so much,

you are gonna memorize

that speech!

But I have to study for finals.

Not if you don't get
that speech memorized--

because if you don't,
you're gonna get suspended!

And then you
won't be here

to take final exams!

You got a mama joke for that?

CHRIS:
If I tell it,
I'll get suspended right now.

* Ah, make it funky now*

CHRIS:
In 1987, there was no Internet.

If you wanted information,

you actually had to walk
out of your house and get it.

William Henry Harrison's
inaugural speech.

There you go.

Thanks. Uh, which page is it on?

All of 'em.

I can't memorize all this.

Memorize? Harrison couldn't
memorize that, and he wrote it.

Well, I guess I'm gonna need
to take it home.

Can't. It's a reference book.

Can I make a copy?

Sure.

Don't we have a copy machine?

We did, but it
turned out to be a fake.

It was a copy of a copy machine.

The Xerox police
confiscated it.

If your hand starts to cramp up,
use the other one.

CHRIS:
I was quite familiar
with that principle.

Your battery's dead.

Dead?

Tattoo, that
doesn't make sense.

I gave my wife money to buy
a new one two months ago.

I don't know, man, I never seen
anything like this before.

It look like this battery been
in here three or four years.

( sighs )
How much to replace it?

Sixty dollars.

But that don't include
the spare tires,

the shocks or the brake pads.

What? When did all that happen?

I don't know.

CHRIS:
Just now.

It's your car.

( whimpers )

( tapping counter )

( Jamaican accent )
My name is Tallulah LaFitte.

I came in here the other day to
get my hair dyed honey brown,

and it come out like this.

Well, did you have color
in your hair before you came in?

So, what if I did?

I didn't want my
hair
to be orange.

I look like Ronald Blackdonald.

Well... hair is
like crayons, you know?

You mix colors,
you get new colors.

If you don't know
what you're mixing,

then you don't know
what you're gonna get.

I don't care about
no mixing colors, miss.

You need to give me
a refund.

CHRIS:
Youneedto put
those fingers away.

Um, we don't give refunds.

That's our policy.

Didn't you read the sign?

Then I need to speak
to the manager.

She's just gonna tell you
the same thing I just said.

How do you know that?

Because she is me!

So I'm sorry, but no.

Whatever happened
to that head of yours

is not our fault.

CHRIS:
That's what
the president of Hollywood

said to Britney Spears.

Ah-ah, this is not over, miss.

Until you give me
back my money,

I'm putting a mojo
on you and yours,

a hex...

on everything you touch
and everything you do.

So it is said,

so it shall be done.

( grunts quietly,
clicks tongue )

( speaking foreign language )

( continues
in foreign language )

( grunting foreign language )

CHRIS:
That was Barack Obama's
middle name.

And Obama-lu to you, too!

Back home, my father thought

someone put a hex
on his dinner.

We're having soup
for dinner?

Yeah. Drew and Tonya are sick--
they got a touch of the flu.

The flu? They were
fine last night.

They aren't
faking, are they?

CHRIS:
If she thought that,

she'd have made fake soup.

No. I took their temperature
with a rectal thermometer.

Just one?
Either they got the flu,

or they're going
a long way for a joke.

How about Chris?

He's upstairs studying.

He's trying to memorize
a speech for his history class.

Where you been?

Tattoo down
at the garage.

The battery's dead.

What?

I know--
it's a brand-new battery.

I told him you bought
a new one two months ago,

and he said it looked like
it was four years old.

I don't get it.

He said it looked like
it was four years old?

That's crazy.
Yeah, it's been a crazy day.

One bad thing happening
right after the other.

I found out I had a
hole in my pocket,

and I lost 89 cents.

Aw!
Hey, are you okay?

CHRIS:
No, she's mad
she can't slap soup.

Yeah. If that woman
wasn't so ridiculous,

I swear I might really believe
she put a mojo on me for real.

What woman? What mojo?

What makes you think
you got a mojo?

Oh, it was nothing.

Some crazy woman
came in the shop,

talking about she didn't
like the way we did her hair,

she wanted her money back,
and I told her no,

and she got mad
and said, oh, well,

I'm gonna put a hex on,
mojo or something on you.

Well, did this happen today?

Yeah.

Maybe we still have time.

I'll stop by
Aunt Mousey's tomorrow

on the way home from work
and get her mojo remedy.

In the meantime, I'll just
get the kids some 'Tussin.

No, no. You can feed 'em,
but don't give 'em medicine

until you treat the mojo.

Anything you do
might make it worse.

Fine. Drew, Tanya, Chris,
get down here and eat this soup!

( grunting )

Ow!

I just bit my tongue.

Mojo.

Do we have to drink this?

You don't have to do anything
but stay ugly and die.

Yeah. We need to be
on the safe side.

It looks like
Clay-Dough and grits.

Ugh! It tasteslike
Clay-Dough and grits.

It isClay-Dough and grits.

If you treat the mojo
in the first 24 hours,

you can stop it
from taking hold.

Julius, can I, um, talk
to you for a minute?

Yeah.

Drink that.

Why can't we just give the kids
some cough medicine?

They have the flu, not the mojo.

Well, let's be on the safe side.

This cures the flu andthe mojo.

If there's no mojo,
then they won't get it.

You're not making my kids
drink Clay-Dough and grits.

CHRIS:
Too late.

* Watch out! *

JULIUS:
Good job.

If they throw it up,
you clean it up.

* I... *

* Can't stand... *

( rattling )

CHRIS:
While Drew and Tanya
were trying not to throw up,

I was trying
to get my speech down.

"...in the early period..."

"...that a most striking
contrast was observable

in the conduct of..."

After three days of studying,

I was a lot like
William Henry Harrison:dead.

Um...

Come on, man, you can do this.

This is too
much pressure.

If I had, like, one more day,
maybe I'd have a shot at it.

Well, I can't help you--
I've run out of ideas.

It's, like,
you're cursed or something.

So what am I gonna do?
This is a disaster.

Dude, pull yourself together.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Really?

No. You're totally gonna
fail the tenth grade.

That reminds me
of a funny story.

My life is hanging by a thread,

and you're gonna tell me
a funny story?

( chuckling )
Yeah, yeah.

So, this one time,
my cousin Benny,

he didn't study for
a test, either, right?

( laughs )
So... he picks up a phone,

and he calls in a bomb threat,

and they cancelled school.

Right. Like, I'm gonna
call in a bomb threat.

( deep voice )
Hello. I have planted a bomb

at Tattaglia High.

Unless everybody's
out of that building

in the next 40 minutes...

everybody will be
out of that building

in the next 40 minutes.

In the '80s,
making a bomb threat

was nowhere near
as easy as it is now.

Sir, unless the bomb
is committing a crime,

there's nothing we can do.

Unless the bomb is up a tree
and can't get down,

there's nothing we can do.

CHRIS:
I thought I finally got
the right people on the phone,

but I still couldn't figure out

why the school
wasn't being evacuated.

Bomb. School. 40 minutes.

Okay, you have a nice day.

I'm going to lunch.

Tell the Bomb Squad
they got a message.

( grumbles quietly )

Back home, my dad's
mojo recipes were laying eggs.

Honey, I've done
everything I can,

and things just
keep getting worse.

They've had over four
glasses of the remedy each,

and their temperature
just keeps going up.

Maybe that's because Clay-Dough

is not the stuffy-nose,
runny-eyes,

scratchy-throat and knock-you-
out-so-you-can-sleep medicine.

Well, can you check
the kitchen drain?

It's stopped up.

Since when?

I don't know-- it was slow

a couple of days ago,
and now it's totally clogged.

You know, this would all be over
if you just go apologize

to that woman.

Well, I guess
it's not gonna be over,

because I'm not gonna apologize
for being right.

CHRIS:
Men do it all the time.

( chicken clucking )
Breathe.

If the Bomb Squad didn't get
the word soon,

there was still gonna be
an explosion in my heart.

Well, look who's here.

We've all been
waiting for you.

You have?

Yeah. Why don't you start off

with a few of those
"Yo, mama" jokes,

just to get the crowd going?

( bell rings )

All right,
everybody,
don't panic!

It's just a fire.

Line up single file by the door.

You know the drill.

Dude, come on.
Snap out of it.

My plan was working.

Yes!

While the fire alarm rang,
Drew and Tonya were burning up.

So you just gonna go to work
and leave us like this?

There is no mojo, Julius.

The children are sick.

You refuse to give them
real medicine.

CHRIS:
Just like the government.

( knocking )

Ah, Ms. Rochelle,

Mr. Julius, I just want
to tell you

I might be a little
late on the rent.

The mortuary had
a run of bad luck,

and tragically, we lost
three customers.

CHRIS:
That means they lived.

You see there,
Rochelle?

The mojo's spreading
all over the building.

Mojo? What
mojo?
You got

a mojo on you?

Oh, don't tell me you believe
in that nonsense too.

I believe it
because it's not nonsense.

I'm sorry,

if you got a mojo on you,

I got to move the hell
up out of here now.

What for?

'Cause you got a mojo on you,

and I'm in this house,
I got a mojo on me.

And if people keep
surviving around here,

y'all gonna run me out
of business.

So do what you need to do,
and let me know when it's done.

CHRIS:
That's what my wife says.

JULIUS:
See that?
Now we're losing a tenant.

What else has to go wrong

before you
take this seriously?

Hey, Ma,
Chris's school.

TV REPORTER:
Tattaglia High School in Queens
where just a short while ago,

the Bomb Center received a call
threatening

to blow up the
school.
( sirens wailing )

So far, the school
is still there.

So we'll be here with live,

up-to-the-minute reporting.

( sirens wailing)

Now do you believe it?

( sighs )

Where you been?

I've been
at the emergency triage area

with heart palpitations.

Don't worry.
Everything's gonna be fine.

How do you know?
This whole place could blow.

Metal chairs flying
like shrapnel everywhere.

Greg, I called in
the bomb threat.

What?! Where would you get
such a crazy idea?

From you, with that story
about your cousin Benny.

Oh. I may have exaggerated
a bit.

What's wrong with you?

Why would you make up
a story like that?

I have a penchant for hyperbole
to aggrandize myself.

I've been working it out
with my shrink.

Look, bottom line is,
the school is not gonna blow up.

They're gonna send us
all home for the day,

and I won't have to
recite that stupid speech.

( over bullhorn )
Attention, everyone.

I'm Captain Tyrone Williams
of the Bomb Squad.

The school has been cleared
and the bomb threat is over.

Thank you for your cooperation.

CHRIS:
I've never seen a black man
onthatside of a megaphone.

We would send you all home,
but with finals next week,

it's best if you go back
to your classes.

So, we'll resume
with fifth period,

and Tyrone will resume searching
my office any my person.

Hey, yo, mama, I'll see you
back in class, huh?

Maybe if I
start you off,

you'll remember
the speech.

All right, it
starts like this.

"Called from a retirement
in which I had supposed..."

I don't know the speech,

and I cannot go back
into that class!

What are you gonna do?

CHRIS: Panic!
( screams )

( continues screaming )

No, no, no!

CHRIS:
I didn't freak out like that
again until Big Puddin' died.

There, there, Chris.

It's perfectly natural
for you to freak out

after a bomb scare.

It's called Post-Traumatic
Stress Syndrome.

But being from
the ghetto,

it never occurred to me that
your stress would ever end.

Miss Morello, I'm flippin' out.

I think you should send me home.

I tell you what,
go back to your class,

and if you're still
feeling shaky after that,

then you can go home.

Thanks.

CHRIS:
That was as helpful

as a bookshelf
at Paris Hilton's house.

Ooh!

( gasps )

Okay, um...

I think we got off
on the wrong foot.

Now, you would think that.

Look, I was wrong, okay?

Mm-hmm.

And I just wanted to...

( coughs )

...apologize for my attitude.

Thank you so much
for coming by.

Wait, wait, wait, now!

I need you take off
this whammy, you know?

The mojo hojo stuff.

I thought you said you didn't
believe in all this stuff.

I don't, but, you know,
everybody else around me does,

so would you do that voodoo
that you do so well?

Hmm.

Well, I can fix you,
but it gonna cost you.

Okay, you know, I knew that,
and here's your refund.

All right.

Tunde baba ashayokay.

That's it?

Uh-huh.

CHRIS:
That means

"Thanks for the refund,
sucker."

And put me on your book
for next Tuesday, 10:00.

Well...

hello, Chris.
Nice of you to join us.

Oh, no, you don't!

The front of the class, please.

Now, class, if you
recall the other day,

Chris ran his mouth off.

Chris, did you
learn the speech?

CHRIS: No.
Yeah.

No!

Good.

Now take a seat.

And don't ever talk
in my class again.

CHRIS:
Huh?

Huh? You don't want
me
to recite it?

Recite it?

Did I say you had
to recite it? No!

I said for you
to memorize it!

Maybe if you spent
more time listening

and less time talking,

you might have heard
me correctly.

But I worked my butt off
learning this speech.

CHRIS:
What are you doing, fool?
Sit down!

You know, it's interesting,
isn't it? Sometimes,

to get people
to do things,

we have to threaten
to do something,

we really have
no intention of doing.

CHRIS:
Later on, North Korea would
follow the same advice

and get billions of dollars
in foreign aid.

Look, I memorized it,
I'm gonna recite it,

and you're gonna
listen to it.

Is that a fact?

Sit down.

"Called from a retirement
which I had supposed

would continue for the
residue of my life...."

That's enough.
You know it.

Take your seat.
"to fill the
chief executive

office of this
great
and free nation.

( bell rings )
Talk.

"which will govern
me
in the duties

of these discharge
which I had to perform."

Enjoy. Good-bye.

"I fear that a strict
examination of the annals

"of some of the modern
elective governments

would develop similar instances
of violated confidence."

"I, too, well understand
the dangerous temptations

to which I shall be exposed

"from the magnitude
of the power,

which it has been
the pleasure..."

CHRIS ( over phone )
"If parties in a republic
are necessary to secure

a degree of vigilance
sufficient to keep..."

All right, all right!
I get it. Now leave me alone.

You know the speech.
I'm sorry.

Thank you.

* We're not gonna take it... *

Chris, bring Vanessa a plate!

Thank you.

And something to drink too.

So, what's going on?

Oh, I had to check with you.

I was going over
my receipts,

and my register keeps coming up
short about $40.

CHRIS:
My mom could have been
the mayor of Detroit.

Oh... I meant to
tell you
about that.

About what?

Um, you know Miss Tallulah?

Yeah. What about her?

Well, she was unhappy
with her hair color,

so she seemed pretty upset,
so I just gave her a refund.

Refund? What'd you
do that for?

I have a strict
no-refund
policy,

you know that.

Well, Vanessa,
she put a hex on me. A mojo!

VANESSA:
A mojo?
You let that woman come in

and scam you for $40
because she threatened

you with a mojo?

She's been doing that
ever since she came in, 'Chelle.

She's crazy! She's the reason
I put the sign up there.

VANESSA:
Oh, ooh, I got

to watch TV when I eat.

I can't believe you had me go
all the way down there

and apologize
to that crazy woman for nothing!

It wasn't for nothing.

Drew and Tonya had a fever.
It was getting worse.

That's because
we didn't drink

that nasty mojo remedy.

DREW:
Yeah,

we poured that
down the drain.

I really don't think
it's safe to drink Clay-Dough.

What about that battery?

I mean,
it was brand-new.

He said it looked like
it was four years old.

Oh, th-the battery?

Yeah.

Yeah, I used that money

to buy a new outfit.

What about the bomb threat
at Chris's school?

Oh, um, it turned
out
to be a hoax.

It happens so much
that, you know,

I think that's the reason why
they call it a "bomb threat."

Because nobody
really calls in bombs.

Oh, look, a school
just blew up!

TV REPORTER:
I'm here at Bardini High
with Captain Tyrone Williams

of the Bomb Squad.

Can you tell us
what happened?

Well, apparently, there was
a bomb inside the building

and before we were
able to defuse it,

it blew up and
destroyed the school.

Okay. Can you tell us,
does this have anything

to do with the bomb threat
earlier at Tattaglia?

Oh, absolutely.

Because there was
no bomb over there,

we figured there was
no bomb over here,

so we ignored
the call.

Fortunately, it
was
after hours

so no students were destroyed
in the blast.

But whoever called in
that Tattaglia threat,

we're holding you
personally responsible.

Wherever you are, we will hunt
you down and blow you up.

And that's not a threat,
that's a promise.

* Everybody hates Chris. *