Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 20 - Everybody Hates Tasha - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
( Madonna's "Open Your Heart"
playing )

CHRIS:
Out of all the girls
I liked growing up,

the one that got to me
the most...

( laughs )
...was Tasha.

Boy, you so crazy.

She was cute,
she liked my jokes,

but the most important thing
about her

was that she was
the girl next door.

I'll see you later.

Yeah, see you.

Like real estate,
Tasha's biggest selling point



was location,
location, location.

I think I'm going to get Tasha
to be my girlfriend.

Wow, what a coincidence.

How's that?
I think I'm gonna get

Janet Jackson
to be my girlfriend,

and once we both achieve
the impossible,

we can go
on a double date.

We'll go
to the Playboy Mansion.

And the girls will leave
with Pauly Shore.

I'm serious, man, I
don't care what it takes.

I'm going to get her.

That line was spoken
by many people,

most notably O.J. Simpson.

I mean, I don't know why I've
been running all around town



when there's a girl right
next door ready to be plucked.

What if she doesn't want you
to pluck her?

Somebody's got
to pluck her.

What if somebody else
already plucked her?

I don't care who's plucked her.
She's gonna get plucked by me.

I wish there was
somebody I could pluck.

Thank goodness these guys
are good with enunciation.

I don't know why
I waited so long.

I don't know,
maybe there's a reason

you haven't gotten
with her.

Maybe you're just
not supposed to be together.

That's impossible.

All right?

She kissed me
on New Year's Eve.

We were together
for Easter.

She even got jealous
when I kissed that other girl

while we were playing
spin the bottle.

As far as I'm concerned,
all the signs are saying "go."

But they don't say where to.

What if she says no?

Then I'll be
back here with you,

but I'm going to have her
in my life or out.

Oh, I can't imagine
how this might turn out.

* Oh, make it funky now *

( The Police's "Every Little
Thing She Does Is Magic"
playing )

Tasha, wait up.

Since Tasha was
right next door,

it was easy to find
the right time to make my move.

Hey, Chris.

Look at you,
looking all cute.

What you got, some girl
you're trying to impress?

Yeah... you.

( laughing ):
Boy, you so crazy.

Oh, I'm crazy all right.

Tasha, I'm not crazy.

I'm serious.

* I just lose my nerve *

I want to say
something to you,

but I want to make it
very, very clear.

Okay.

What is it?

I want you to be
my girlfriend.

I'm already your
girl friend.

No, not in like a friend who
just so happens to be a girl

or like "Hey, girlfriend."

No, I want you
to be my girlfriend.

One word,
not two.

Girlfriend,
as in

"Chris and Tasha
are boyfriend and girlfriend."

You want me to be
your girlfriend?

Exactly.

Hmm...

Let me think about it.

I'd have a much better chance
if she didn't think about it.

Superior Court of New Jersey?

While I was getting things
out in the open,

my mother found a skeleton
in the closet.

Julius... married...
Tawny... what?!

Can't nobody stand you

'cause you're a liar
and you won't shut up.

Shut don't go
up, prices do,

so take my advice
and shut up, too.

You shut up,
I grow up.

Every time I see your face,
I throw up.

Shut up.

The Junior Varsity
Sugar Hill Gang.

Will both of
you shut up?

I swear.

That doesn't rhyme.

Y'all couldn't be quiet
if somebody paid you.

I could.
No, you couldn't.

You couldn't shut up
to save your life.

Quiet! Here.

Here's your allowance
for this week.

Okay?

The next one that talks
loses theirs.

Winner gets it all.

While Drew and Tonya
were keeping their mouths shut,

back at school
I was waiting for the word.

And then I said that would
involve kissing and touching--

well, I ran it down.

Oh, man, you are going
to be so in there.

I can't believe
you ran it down.

I would have just ran.

What'd she say?

She said she'll think
about it.

Well, what
does that mean?

It means
"Let me check every option,

"see if I can get
someone I want,

and if not,
I'll go out with you."

And when she said every option,
she meant every option.

She checked blind guys.

Do you have
a girlfriend?

Yeah, girl.

What are you, blind?

She checked dangerous guys.

Do you have
a girlfriend?

Yeah, he does.

Now, give me your money.
Don't move.

She even checked guys
who were girls.

Do you have a girlfriend?

I'm my own girlfriend.

While I was waiting
to get my woman,

my father's woman was waiting
to get him.

Hey, baby.

Why didn't you tell me you
were married to someone else?

Huh?

Now would be
a good time to run.

Don't "huh?" me.

Tawny Reynolds?

Does the name ring a bell?

You better say something.

She might have a gun.

Yeah.

Um...

It was a long time ago.

It was a long time
before I even met you.

I was 17 in
Atlantic City,

and we were drunk.

We got married.

Four days later,
we were divorced.

Story of Britney Spears' life.

Well, not according to this.

"Complaint for divorce"?

( laughing ):
That's crazy, huh?

I mean, because how could
somebody divorce you

unless you're
married to them?

This has got to be a mistake.

What marriage isn't?

You know, Julius...

you know how much
a lightbulb costs per watt.

How can you
not know

that you have another wife?!

Because those things
are less complicated.

I do not have another wife.

Yes, you do!

Look, look, look, it
says so right there!

You know what?

What I want
to know is:

if she's your wife,
then what am I?

You're my wife.

No!

I'm your concubine!

This is silly.

( sighs )

Is she white?

What?

No.

Can she get
the house?

Rochelle...
Is she white?

Stop it.

Do you have a
kid with her?

Is she white?

No.

Is the kid
light-skinned?

No.
Ha!

So you admit that
you have a kid!

Oh, God, I'm
going to be sick!

There is no kid.

How do you know, Julius?

You didn't even know
that you didn't have a divorce!

Oh, my God.

W--W--W--W--W--What's going
to happen to this family

if it turns out
there's another one?

Kids, I'd like to introduce you
to your new mother Tawny

and your new brother Julian.

Girl, you just wasted
$2.17 worth of white meat.

JULIUS:
My boy.

What am I going to
say to my children?

The kids are going
to be all right.

Look, look...

Oh... don't touch me!

We'll leave them
out of this.

Listen, I-I'm gonna
sign these papers

and take these to
the courtroom myself

and get this
straightened out.

You do that.

Because if you don't
straighten out

what's going on
in these papers,

you're going
to get a set of papers

that look just like them.

And she better
not be white.

While my father tried
to explain

why he had two women,

I wanted to find out
if I had one.

Hey, Chris.

Oh, hey, Tasha, listen about
what I said yesterday...

I thought about it.

Yes.

Yes, what?
Yes,

I will be your girlfriend.

And I get to touch you?
Yes.

In an 8:00 p.m. sitcom
kind of way.

And I get to kiss you?

Yes.
Ask for more, ask for more!

In front of other people--

not just strangers,
even people we know?

Yes.
And if anybody asks me,

I can say, "Yes, Tasha
is my girlfriend"?

Yes.

All right.

I need you
to sign this.

I need your
thumbprint there.

All right, now,
turn that around.

Smile.

Thank you.

Who's this?

She's notary public.

There.

Here you go.

It's official, Chris.

Tasha is your girlfriend.

Somebody record this

so she can't lie
and say it didn't happen.

After years of walking
out my door feeling down,

with Tasha right next door,

I was walking out
and getting felt up.

Happy anniversary.

Anniversary?

Yes, we've been
together a week.

Here, I made you this bookmark
with our names on it.

Oh... thanks.

( sighs nervously )
So what'd you get me?

A big box of nothing.

Nothing.

I didn't know we celebrated
one-week anniversaries.

Oh... that's okay.

What she really meant was...

MAN:
Oh, my God.

This is the worst catastrophe.

CHRIS:
I found out pretty quickly
that getting a girlfriend

was a lot easier
than keeping her happy.

Hey, you want to get together
later and watch some videos?

I loved watching videos
with Tasha.

* I got a paper and pencil *

* Thinking of rhymes
like mental... *

Nah, that's okay.

I also learned that before
we did what I liked to do,

we had to something
she liked to do.

Come here, girl, you
know I'm just playing.

I got a surprise
for you later.

You do.
What is it?

It's a surprise to me, too.

Well, I wanted to
wait until later,

but, you know, after I
get home from school,

I wanted to
celebrate with you.

I'll bring your
present then.

Good one.

Ooh, and then we can go
to Mr. Woo's

and get some Chinese food.

Oh, and then I can tell you

all about what this crazy girl
said to me at school

and then we can talk
about what we're...

Another thing I learned quickly

is that, much like Bin Laden,
girlfriends like to make plans,

and those plans
did not include Greg.

Hey, what happened
to you yesterday?

We were supposed to
go see Lethal Weapon.

Oh, I was out with Tasha.

Oh.

Well, do you want
to go see it today?

I can't.

Why, you got
to go to work?

No, me and Tasha
are going down to Al B Square

to get matching
T-shirts made.

More like matching blouses.

Then we're going to the
photo booth to get pictures

and then we're gonna get
something to eat.

I knew this was
going to happen.

What?
Don't you see?

She's taking
over your life.

She's got you running
around in matching clothes.

It's like you're a
life-size Ken doll.

I have one thing Ken doesn't.

So what?

Okay, I got
a girlfriend.

What are you, jealous?

Of course, I'm jealous.

But this isn't about
me; it's about you.

I thought you were
gonna be so in there.

Turns out you can't
get out of there.

It's like you're a
puppet and she's got

her hand stuck up your...
Hey.

( indistinct whispering )

She did?

Yeah.

Twice.

Meanwhile, Drew and Tonya

continued their war
of no words.

Drew went to the Ike Turner
School of Sign Language.

To save his marriage,
my father had to get a divorce.

How could you not know
that you're not divorced?

I signed the papers
and sent them back to her.

How was I supposed to know
she didn't file them?

Because you didn't get
your final decree.

I didn't know I needed
a final decree.

Well, you
should have.

Who knows what this woman

might have been
doing in your name?

She could have been
holding up banks,

taking out loans.

Invading Iraq?

Did you have

any kids with her?
No.

Is she white?

No, she is not white.

Hmm.
Listen,

let me throw a hypothetical
situation at you.

This should be good.

Say there
was a person

who thought he
was divorced...

A person?

A person...
and that person

went and got married again
and had some kids.

Then, he got some papers
that said he was still married

to another person.
Hypothetically.

Hypothetically.
Well,

that person could be arrested
and hypothetically sent to jail

as a bigamist.

Or just move to Utah.

Does this mean that person's
current marriage is not valid?

Hypothetically, no,

but between you, me
and your hypothetical friend,

as long as he
files these papers

and gets his final decree

and everyone here stays lazy,
he'll be fine.

( sighs )
That's good news.

Hypothetically.

Mm-hmm.

Can I ask you
a hypothetical question?

Yeah.

Is she white?

No, she is not white.

We'll mail the divorce decree
in a few days.

When a guy has a girlfriend,
he wants to get her alone.

You want to get
together tonight

and watch some videos?

But when a girl
has a boyfriend,

she wants to show him around.

Can we go
to Yvette's first?

I want you to meet her
and Angela.

When I got with Tasha,

I thought I couldn't
get enough of her.

So, we watching
videos tonight?

Can I bring Rene
and Tina?

What I found out
was I could barely get to her.

While my father was waiting
for his final decree,

my mother was acting
like it was over.

Hey, baby.

Does your wife know

that you're hugging
up to another woman?

( sighs )

What are you doing?

Looking for
apartments.

The kids and I need a place
that we can call our own.

Rochelle, this
is your place.

Really?

Well, how do I know that
if you die right now,

some white woman
wouldn't come

and take your Social
Security, the house,

the car, and me and the
kids be on the street?

Who does she think he is,
James Brown?

Look, I filed
the papers.

This should all be over soon.

Well, until then,

you can sleep on the couch.

After a few days of no luck
with getting it on,

I decided to take a day off.

Hey, you want to go
see Lethal Weapon?

You're kidding me,
right?

When?

Now.

Don't you have
to go meet more

of Tasha's girlfriends?

Nah, man, I'm
done with that.

So, uh, you guys
check out any videos?

I wish.

Look, until we start doing
something that I want to do,

I'm gonna do stuff
that I want to do.

I'm gonna call Doc
and tell him I'm gonna

come in tomorrow
instead of today.

Surprise!

Hey, honey.

Hey, Greg.

What are you doing here?

I was thinking we could go
to the movies, you know,

maybe see Fatal Attraction
with Yvette and Rhonda.

I got to work.

No, you don't.

I told Doc you weren't
coming in today

because I had plans.

What? You can't just go
to my job

and tell them I'm not coming in.

Why not?

'Cause I can't just go
to your school

and say, "She's not coming in
because I got plans."

What are you
trying to say?

Why is it that whenever I want
to do something,

it has to wait till tomorrow,
but whenever you want

to do something,
it has to happen right now?

What does that have
to do with anything?

Welcome to Women's Logic 101.

I just don't want you
running my life.

You're the
one who said

you wanted me to be
your girlfriend.

Well, maybe I
was better off alone.

Are you saying you're
breaking up with me?

Let me make this
perfectly clear.

Yes.

I want to break up with you.

What?

You think you can
just say good-bye,

walk away and
it's over?

Yeah.

Watch.

Bye.

The best thing
about the girl next door

is she's right next door.

And the worst thing
is that she's right next door.

I will not be ignored, Chris.

I'm lucky I don't
have a pet rabbit.

CHRIS:
Since I was playing
the game of love,

I decided to get advice
from a real player.

No, you got to move.

Why?

She lives
right next door, Chris.

Where are you gonna go?

You'll never get
away from her.

We broke up.

You broke up.

That's like
telling the IRS

you don't owe them any money.

It ain't over
till they say it's over.

Ask Wesley Snipes.

I can't move.

Well, you better
get back together.

See, I don't
get this.

How is it that she's
the one acting crazy

and I have to be the one
to work things out?

Because she started
acting crazy first.

She's using your
reason against you.

You know that makes
no sense, right?

Welcome to Women's Logic 201.

Before I had a chance
to confront my problem,

my problem confronted me.

Hey, Chris.

ROCHELLE:
Where have you been?

JULIUS:
You invited Tasha
over for dinner,

and you got the girl
waiting on you?

Well, if anybody
knows what it's like

to have a girl waiting
on them, you do.

Tasha, can I talk to you
for a minute?

Sure, honey.

And by "minute",
I mean "never again."

Tasha, go home.

It's over.

I put the last few weeks
of my life into you,

and I'm not gonna let you
throw it all away

over a little fight.

I just said it's over.

You wanted me, you got me.

You're my boyfriend
until I say you're not.

Got that?

And that is a love TKO.

What's going on
with you and Tasha?

I tried to break
up with her,

but she wouldn't
let me.

Well, there's
no such thing

as trying to break
up with somebody.

That's like being
a little pregnant.

Either you're broken
up or you're not.

But if you do want to
break up with her,

let her know that.

If you don't, make
sure she knows that.

Don't have her
running around here

thinking you're together
and you're not.

One minute y'all having
a little fight,

and the next thing you know,

you're married with
a wife and kids

and she's trying to
take your house.

It seemed like my problems
were just beginning,

but my father's
were finally ending.

I got the final divorce papers.

Really?

Baby, I'm sorry for putting you
through all of this.

You're the only woman
in the world I want to be with.

Mm-hmm.

And I was wondering...

will you marry me?

You're not married to
anyone else, are you?

No, I'm not.

Then, yes, I'll
marry you.

* Glory halle-stupid! *

Yeah, bobbas, uh, yeah.

Now, do you, Julius,
take Rochelle

to be your...

rhinestone rock star monster
of a doll baby bobba?

I do.

And Rochelle, do
you take Julius

to be your rhinestone
rock star monster of a man?

I do.

With all the powers
invested

in me and the blasters
of the universe,

along with the mother ship
connection...

...I now pronounce you...

man...

and wifey.

Now...

go funk her up.

He said "funk", kids,
with an "N."

( sighs )

Funk her up.

* Do you want
to get funked up? *

* Funk, yeah, funk her up *

* Don't you want
to get funked up? *

While Bootsy and my parents
got funky,

Drew decided to play dirty.

Oh, my God, Drew!

What happened?

"Oh, my God, Drew,
what happened!"

( chuckles )
Ketchup-- I win.

Cheater!

After everything
I'd been through with Tasha

and as crazy as she acted,
she really did have a point.

Breaking up over one fight
wasn't worth it.

And if she didn't think it
was over, then it wasn't over.

Oh, Chris.

Hey.

I was mad earlier.

I noticed.

It's not that I want
to break up with you.

I just think we need
to get clear about some things.

Like what?

First of all,

you cannot cancel my work
so we can go hang out.

Okay.

And I'm sorry
that I overreacted.

I'm new to this
relationship stuff.

Okay.

Good.

What's wrong?

I am breaking up with you.

I thought you said
that we were still together.

Until I said we
were breaking up.

We're breaking up.

See ya, wouldn't want to be ya.

Me, either.

* Everybody hates Chris *

* Ah, make it funky now. *