Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 18 - Everybody Hates the Car - full transcript

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( Gary Numan's "Cars" playing)

CHRIS:
When I was 16, I crossed a
major milestone for teenagers.

I finally got
my driver's license.

* Here in my car... *

CHRIS:
The difference
between taking the bus

and being able to drive
was obvious.

Hey, Tasha, I'm going
down to Alby Square.

You want to come?
Are you taking the bus?

Yeah.
No.

CHRIS:
Did I mention I have
a two-for-one bus pass?

Hey, Tasha, I'm going
down to Alby Square.



You
want to come?
Yeah.

I was just about to go there.

Bye, Chris.
See you downtown.

( laughs )

( laughing )

CHRIS:
Back home at dinner,
the only thing

I was hungry for was a car.

Boy, this is
not a library.

CHRIS:
If it was, you'd be quiet.

I'm sorry-- I'm looking
for a good deal on a used car.

A car?

Yeah. Since I have my license,
I figured I should have a car.

Did you figure
I would tell you you were crazy?

If Chris gets a car,
can I have a football helmet?



For what?

Because I don't want to be
on the street unprotected.

I think you should get
a Suzuki Samurai.

CHRIS:
That's because he thought
the car came with a sword.

But if you don't
get a Samurai,

you should get a Audi 5000.

That way, when
you leave a place,

you're, like,
"Yo, I'm Audi 5000,

and then you'd be in one--
that'd be cool.

ROCHELLE:
Chris is not getting a car.

Come on, Ma, I saved up
$300,
I got my license--

what else do I need?

My permission.

$300? That's
a lot of dollars.

CHRIS:
300, to be exact.

If he's old enough to save up

that kind of money,
he's old enough

to spend it
on what he wants.

CHRIS:
It's a good thing I was
too young for strip clubs.

* Ah, make it funky now *

CHRIS:
I soon found out that
buying a used car wasn't easy.

You had to watch out for scams.

$300? That car's gone.

But we got this one.

Only $15,000.

$300 down, $300 a month
for 300 months.

CHRIS:
And some deals were
just too good to be true.

That's right, little dude.

This car is brand-new.

And I'm gonna let you have it
for only $300.

Hey, fool!
Get off my new car!

All right, all right.

CHRIS:
But sometimes the best deals
are right under your nose.

This car is you,nephew!

Let me take another picture.

Yeah... you are hot!

That's it right there,
nephew, that's it.

This is it.
I don't know.

I think I want to look around
a little bit more.

What for?
That's a good car.

Radio works, no dents,
you got a spare in the back,

and it only costs $300.

Plus, you can't even see
the hole in the backseat

where the girl shot at me
over a chicken sandwich.

There's a lot of people
pay a lot more money

for a car like that.

Then why haven't you
sold it already?

Classified ads
are expensive.

If you hadn't called me,
I would've kept it for myself.

CHRIS:
And trade it to somebody
for a sandwich.

Hey, Chris. Did I just
see you driving that car?

Yeah, I'm thinking
about buying it.

Wow. You're buying a car?

Yeah.
TASHA:
Look at you.

Well, make sure I get a ride.

Maybe we can go shopping.

All right.

CHRIS:
And you could spend
the rest of your money on her.

I'll take it!

Cool.

I'm gonna go
upstairs
and get a pen

so I can sign over
the pink slip.

Here. That's for you.

Ha-ha!

CHRIS:
While I was checking out
my new ride,

Drew was checking out
his new pen.

Now you have clothes...

now you don't.

Drew. Let
me borrow that pen.
Huh?

Let me borrow your pen.

Oh, uh, this pen
doesn't work.

I'll go get you one.

CHRIS:
That's not suspicious at all.

Whew!

CHRIS:
And while Drew acted
like he wasn't hiding anything,

Tonya was acting like my mom.

I don't need this!

My man has twojobs! Hmm.

CHRIS:
Someday she's gonna make
somebody a great ex-wife.

Cigarettes?

"Surgeon General's Warning:

"Smoking causes lung cancer,
heart disease, emphysema,

and may complicate pregnancy."

Hmm. Good thing
they got these filters.

CHRIS:
While Tonya was dressing
like my mother,

Drew was undressing his pen.

( laughs quietly )

CHRIS:
While Drew was hiding his pen,

my dad was trying
to find a winner.

Lakemuffin?

I wonder if he's
related
to Seabiscuit.

Hey, Dad.

You got a pen?

Uh... what do you
need a pen for?

For Uncle Michael.

Oh.

No.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

CHRIS:
Nothing he wantsyou
to know about.

Have you seen my
sports magazine?

No.

CHRIS:
She better quit fake smoking,
or she'll get fake cancer.

What are you
doing in here?

I was playing.

Play somewhere else.

Go play with matches.

Hey, Ma, do you have
a pen for Uncle Michael?

I think there's one upstairs--
I'll go get it for you.

Cool.

CHRIS:
Meanwhile, Tonya
was hiding cigarettes

like she was in prison.

Tonya?

Do you have a pen?

For what?

For me not to smack
the smart out of you.

Now, find a pen
and give it to Drew.

Hey, babe.
Hey.

Have you...
have we got a pen?

You mean like this one?

( chuckles )
Okay. Thanks.

( quietly )
Right there.

Hey, man, you got that pen?

Uh, Mom's bringing one.

Here, Drew, here's a pen.
Oh.

Here you go, Uncle Michael.

Sweet!

( music playing)

Big man!

Hey, Michael.

Here's that pen, Drew.

This house is full of pens!

What's going on?

Chris just bought my car!

JULIUS:
Congratulations.

So,
you got a car, huh?
Yeah.

You sign that pink slip?

Sure did.

Here you go.

Want to go for a drive?

Yeah. Right after
you get it registered,

pay the title transfer fees,

get plates,
insurance.

And you're gonna
need some gas.

CHRIS:
The only person more excited

about me getting a car
was Greg.

Oh, man, this is awesome!

This isn't like
when you had your dad's car.

This car's yours.

We can go to the
shore to get girls,

we can drive into
Manhattan to get girls,

we can go to Coney
Island to get girls.

You do realize it's still
gonna be us in the car, right?

It doesn't matter--
cars equal girls.

Every weekend and week night,

this world's
gonna be our oyster.

CHRIS:
Sidekicks are always ready
to go at a moment's notice.

They're never aware
of all the preparation

the hero has to go through.

Kemo sabe, people in that
town in big trouble.

We go now.

Whoa, whoa.

Slow down, my
eager
Indian friend.

I need to get my guns,
shine my boots,

feed my horse,
polish my spurs,

get some bullets,
light a fire,

make some coffee,
kiss a girl...

CHRIS:
And round up
the rest of the Village People.

I don't know how long
it's gonna be

before I can even
afford to start it up.

Plus, the price of gas
is insane right now.

It's, like, 85 cents a gallon.

CHRIS:
Now it's 85 cents a drop.

Well, whenever you're ready...

I'll be ready.

What's his issue?

CHRIS:
I was finally ready
to drive my car,

and it was one of
the happiest days of my life.

( Bobby McFerrin's
"Don't Worry, Be Happy" plays)

( chirping )

CHRIS:
Say hello
to Uncle Remus for me.

GIRL:
Hey, Chris!

How you doing?

* Don't worry *

* Be happy *

* Don't worry, be happy *

( engine starts )

( engine revving )

What the...?

CHRIS:
At least
I'll save money on gas.

* Be happy... *

CHRIS:
While Greg was ready to drive
like Jeff Gordon,

I was still riding the bus
like Rosa Parks.

Dude, where's our car?

CHRIS:
That sounds like
the title of a movie.

Oh. I couldn't drive it--

someone stole my tires
last night.

( panting )
Oh, man, I think
I'm gonna hyperventilate.

So, did you call the cops?

CHRIS:
When has that ever worked
for black people?

Was there money in the tires?

No.

A baby?

A baby in the tires?

You'd be surprised.

Was this baby black or white?

There was no baby in the tires.

Well, tell me, sir, exactly
what wasin the tires?

Air.

White air?

White air?

You'd be surprised.

All right, fill this out,
and we'll see what we can do.

Well, should I move it
so I don't get a ticket?

Don't bother.

Too late.

CHRIS:
Sometimes when my dad was at
work and the kids were asleep,

my mom did something that
no one in the house knew about.

She smoked.

Where are my cigarettes?

CHRIS:
The problem
with losing something

you're not supposed to have

is you can't tell
anybody you lost it.

Oh, excuse me, Officer.

I'd like to file a report

about some missing crack.

I know they were in here.

Did you find
my cigarettes, Julius?

Daily Race Form?

CHRIS:
My mom said my dad
couldn't bet on the numbers.

She never said anything about
those numbers being on horses.

Even though
I couldn't drive my car,

I could still enjoy it.

I could listen
to music that I liked.

( funky music playing)

I could adjust the seat
the way I wanted it.

Best of all,
when I was inmycar,

nobody could bother me.

Boy, get out
of that car.

It's getting late.

CHRIS:
Meanwhile, my mother wasn't
the only one hiding a secret.

The only place his money could
be hidden better was Pakistan.

My form.

Where's my race form?

Drew.

( knocking )

Hello?

My father was like the police.

He entered,thenknocked.

Even though
I couldn't drive my car,

it still felt pretty good
being a car owner.

Oh, no!

My school books.

I learned that people
will break into a car

to steal anything.

Ahh!

Ooh.

Look, a brick.

I told you a car was
a big responsibility.

What did they
take this time?

They took the radio,
a box of tissues,

one sneaker and the
ashes in the ashtray.

They took the ashtray?

No, the ashes inthe ashtray.

The ashtray's
still in there.

Got it. Anything else?

Yeah,

my homework
and textbooks.

Why would
they steal those?

They take them and sell them
in the white neighborhoods.

CHRIS:
Along with aqua socks
and yoga mats.

So what I'll do now?

Fill out this form and
we'll see what we can do.

CHRIS:
Which means, "Now that
you've wasted my time,

allow me to waste
some of yours."

Back at school,
I was showing up later

than a black man
at a custody hearing.

Dude, you're really late.

This isn't a custody
hearing, you know.

I know. You won't
believe what happened.

Somebody broke into your car

and stole your textbooks
and homework? Here.

Where'd you find these?

I didn't findthem.
I bought them.

I was trying to get some bootleg
college textbooks from this guy

and he offered to throw
these in for half price.

You owe me ten bucks.

Well, you're gonna have
to wait because I'm broke.

I mean, I never
imagined having a car

would be this much trouble.

I've haven't even
driven it yet

and it's costing
me a fortune.

I'm just gonna
get rid of it.

What?! Are you crazy?

You can't do that.

What about the girls?

What about
Coney Island?

Greg, my car doesn't
even have tires.

Dude, that
doesn't matter.

If you're giving up
on this car, it means

you're giving up on me,
and that's not happening.

CHRIS:
Kiss my ascot!

It had taken longer
than I thought,

but I finally had everything
I needed to hit the road.

Thanks for the loan, Doc.

I figured it's worth it.

I get a reliable ride and
a driver when I need it.

Oh, I'll take you
wherever you want to go.

CHRIS:
As long as you don't
want to go anywhere.

Let's roll.

( engine not starting )

What's the matter?

It won't start.

Looks like you out of gas.

But the tank was full.

Well...

I see the problem.

Looks like you getting siphoned.

CHRIS:
I would get out, but he'd
probably just rob me.

Later, I went and got gas

and now Ireallyhad everything
I needed to get on the road.

Everything except a car.

The cops got used
to coming to my house

more than O.J. and Nicole's.

It was right there.

Was there money in it?

No.

A baby?

No! There was no
money and no baby.

It was just my car.

"No... money... no...

baby...

just... car..."

Are you just gonna
stand there and write,

or are you gonna
do something?

Do something?

Yeah.

Tell you what.

You got copies of your...

Registration?

Yeah, I'll be right back.

"Do something."

Yeah, we'll get right on it.

Cigarettes?

CHRIS:
Careful-- they may
complicate your pregnancy.

Chris!

Hey, baby.

Hey, Ma.

CHRIS:
By dinnertime,
that pack of cigarettes

was burning
a hole in my pocket.

Hey, Ma, I found this pack
of cigarettes in my drawer.

Cigarettes?

Yeah, I don't
know whose they are,

but they're not mine,
and I don't want to get

in trouble for it,
so here you go.

Not mine.
They're not mine.

Why is everybody looking at me?

Because you're smoking a carrot.

All right, all right, all right!
They're mine!

You smoke?

Ma, the surgeon general
says you can't--

I know what he says. It's
written on the side of the box.

Then how come you still smoke?

Yeah. If there was a sign
on the side of our dinner

that says it will cause
cancer and birth defects,

you would slap
the salad out of us

if you found
us eating it.

Well, I get stressed out.

Oh, well, we won't get out
stressed at all

when you have to get
your lungs removed.

CHRIS:
Yeah, like when
Dad had the gout and--

Okay, fine,
fine, fine.

I quit.

CHRIS:
Ironically, smoking
caused my mother

a lot more stress
thannotsmoking.

See?

Happy now?

How long have you
been hiding this?

Me?

Well, how long have
youbeen hidingthis?

Dad, you been gambling?

DREW:
You know how Ma
feels about that.

Mmm.

Yeah? We'll see how she
feels about this.

Ooh. You have a naked-lady pen?

JULIUS:
No, Drew has
a naked-lady pen.

CHRIS:
Secretly, he was happy
it wasn't a naked-man pen.

Oh, no. We gotta talk.

CHRIS:
Wait a minute.
I still don't understand how

the pack of cigarettes
got in mydrawer.

Well, I didn't put them there.

Neither did I.
Me neither.

Ooh.
Tonya, if you were

smoking so help me--
Mama, I wasn't smoking.

I was going through your
stuff and I found them

and Daddy almost caught me,
so I hid them in Chris's room

so hewould get in
trouble instead of me.

How did you get my racing form?

Well, I was going through your
stuff looking for my stuff.

How did youfind my pen?

I thought you had
my racing form.

And how'd you find those
cigarettes anyway?

Cause youput them inmydrawer.

Mmm. You see,
this is yourfault.

You were in there
doing something

that you ain't had
no business doing.

and the next thing you know,
nobody's business

is everybody's business.

Are you gonna
put me on punishment?

Is that your business? No!

You'll find out
what happens to you

when it happens to
you. Now go upstairs.

CHRIS:
After Tonya got busted,
the cops finally found my car.

Unfortunately,
it was a lost cause.

They even stole the paint?!

I'm sorry, Chris.
Tell you what.

Since you seem like a nice kid,
I'll give you $50 for it.

I could use it
for scrap metal.

Well... I guess
it's better than nothing. Deal.

But since you owe me $40
for the tow, I'll give you $10.

$11.00.
$10.50.

$10.75.
Deal.

Oh, yeah. You got some, uh,
some cans and junk in the trunk.

You want any of it?

CHRIS:
Too late.
JLo's already got it.

Nah. What's the point?
You can have it.

All right.

CHRIS:
At the end of the day,
I ended up

paying $300
for my first car,

I never got to drive it,
but I was taken for a ride.

Now, here's a feel-good story

we like to call
"Junkyard Treasure."

It happened this afternoon

when this man,
Miguel Rodriguez,

the manager of an impound
lot in Bed-Stuy,

found $5,000 in the trunk
of an old Camaro.

CHRIS ( yells )
What?!

MIGUEL:
I bought the car off
some kid for $10.75.

An-- And I asked him if he
wanted anything in the trunk,

and he told me to keep it.

So I looked inside this little
can and I found $5,000!

Ain't this about a...!

* Everybody hates Chris *