Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 17 - Everybody Hates Spring Break - full transcript

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CHRIS:
In all the years of school,

there was nothing I loved
better than summer vacation,

and the next best thing
was spring break.

Free at last!
Free at last!

Thank God Almighty,
we're free at last!

Greg?

It's spring break,
not the end of racism.

Well, I'm celebrating now,
'cause once I get up

to Lake Winnipesaukee
with my mom and dad,

it's not going to be good.

I thought your
parents split up.



They did, but neither one

will give up the time share,

so I taking the bus
to meet them

for a weekend of fishing
and drinking and fighting.

Don't forget crying.

See you next week.

* Free falling
Now I'm free falling *

Hey, want to grab a bite?

Nah, I got to get home.

We're headed out
to Amityville Beach.

My dad wants
to be on the road by 4:00.

Well, that sounds nice.

Hey, you're that black kid.

Hey, you're that white janitor.



Except for the fact
that I hate the beach.

Last time I was there,
I got sun rash.

( man singing in Italian
on car stereo )

Man, cool ride.

Thanks.

It's my cousin's.

350 cubic inch engine,
240 horsepower, huh?

What I have to do
to get a car like this?

Steal it.
Want to take it for a spin?

You serious?
Sure.

Five bucks.

He was like the Don "Magic"
Juan of Camaros.

Now, it's a stick shift.

Make sure you keep
the clutch in.

Right? Nice, huh?

( engine revving )

( tires squealing )

( Greg grunts, thudding )

( grunting )

White man down!
White man down!

Oh, man.

Greg, you okay?

Who taught you
how to drive?

Halle Berry.

( panting )

Okay, let's get him
in the trunk.

What?!

Look, I got a rap sheet
as long as your arm.

My PO thinks
that I hit this kid,

I'm going back to jail
for another 20 years.

( groaning )

I'll take care of it.

You mean, take care, take care?

No! I'll-- I'll...
I'll take him to the hospital,

and they'll take care of him.

All right, I'm counting on you.

As long as nobody talks,
we won't have any problems.

He should be
a marriage counselor.

Greg?
Oh.

( engine revving )

Greg? Wake up.

( tires squealing )

Look, Greg, wake up.

( groans )
Wake up, Greg!

Aw!

Dude, you hit me with a car.

Sounds like the title
of an Ashton Kutcher movie.

( groaning )

* Oh, make it funky now *

CHRIS:
After running Greg down,

my biggest concern
was getting him to shut up.

This is just great.

Just because I didn't want
to spend the week arguing

didn't mean I wanted
to get hit by a car.

That'll teach you
to be more specific.

Be quiet! I did not hit you.

Uh, yeah, you did.

Shh!

Gregory?

I spoke with the doctor, and
he says you can't be released

unless you have an
adult to take you home.

Well, are my parents coming
to get me?

Well... no.

The hospital
can keep you

for up to four days,

and your parents'
vacation is for five.

They think you're
in good hands here,

and so they'll pick
you up on Friday.

* Hold me now *
Great.

Ms. Morello, can I talk to you
for a minute?

* Oh, oh, hold my heart *
I'll be right back.

So, where were we?

Oh, that's right.
You were trying to explain

how you didn't run me over.

No, I didn't.

So that wasn't you
behind the steering wheel

when my face smashed up
against the windshield?

No, because if I had hit you,

that meant
I was driving someone's car.

And that someone would go
to jail

for a really, really,
really long time if we snitched.

So not only would
you be hurt,

but he would
be hurt, also,

and don't you think enough
people have been hurt already?

Okay, I get it.

You didn't hit me.

Spoken just like Tina Turner.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

But, uh, just between
you and me...

I know it was you, Chris.

I know it was you.

( indistinct voice
over intercom )

( sucking air through teeth )

While I was making it clear
that I didn't hit Greg,

my family was getting ready
to hit the road.

When are we leaving?

We'll head for the beach
as soon as Chris gets home.

Can't we just leave him?
No.

Can you just leave me?
I hate the sand.

I don't know where
it comes from,

and it gets into places
you can't get it out of.

Like broke cousins.

What? When?

I'm going to bury you

in the sand at low tide
if you don't shut up.

Nobody wants to go on this
stupid trip besides you.

That's enough, you two.

(sighs)
Oh!

Is everything okay?

No. Chris is at the hospital.

What?!
He's fine.

Greg was involved in a
hit-and-run accident.

Oh, that's good.

His leg is broken.

I'm gonna have to
go pick them up.

All right. Kids, take this
and all your stuff to the car.

( sighs )

We were supposed to be leaving
for Amityville.

She doesn't want
to go to Amityville.

I know, baby,

but maybe you guys should
go ahead without us.

Told you.

What? We've been saving up
for this trip for weeks.

I know, baby,
but you know what?

Greg's parents
are out of town,

and he'll have to stay
in the hospital

a whole week if
I don't get him.

I'm disappointed,
Chris is disappointed.

It's horrible.

In other words,
she doesn't want to go.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.
Go ahead.

You guys enjoy yourself
at the beach.

Love you. Bye.

( overlapping shouting )

I'm gonna
miss you.

No, she won't.
Bye.

TONYA:
Ma, tell him, Black
people go to the beach.

DREW:
Ma, they don't. Can I just
stay with you? I can't...

Call Dr. Graham,
get ER One prepped.

Ah, my toe!
Ah, my foot!

Okay, move it, people.
D-fib standing by.

I need 10cc's of...

Stat! Let's move it!

Mm.

What's going on?

The Uncle of Sam
got somebody else.

You mean the Son of Sam?

Nah, they got him.

This is the Uncle of Sam.

He doesn't kill people--
he chokes them.

GREG:
He chokes people?

Unconscious.

Over seven people so far.

Yup, that mole still lives.

All right, baby, now,
that's gonna itch,

but you'll get
used to it.

Unlike that mole.

What?
Nothing.

That mole is so big,

SAG made us give it
a screen credit.

So it's cool.

My mom said you
can stay with us.

Well, what about your vacation?

Nobody wanted to go on
that stupid trip but Tonya.

Drew doesn't like the
sand, I get sun rash,

and ever since my mom saw Jaws
and The Amityville Horror,

she won't step
foot on Long Island.

Later, I found out

that just because
Greg and I weren't talking

didn't mean nobody was asking.

Gregory,
this officer needs

to ask you a
few questions.

Son, do you know
who hit you?

Uh...

Was it a Black guy?

Um, Greg's pretty tired.

I think maybe
we should do this later.

I know you're probably
still in shock,

but I'd like you to take
a look at a few guys,

see if you recognize
anybody.

Oh, my.

I don't think
it was any of these guys.

What about this one?

Looks pretty mean.

Hey, man, I work here.

Hey, sweetie,

you need something?

Yeah, Greg's gonna need
a bedpan.

Oh, okay.
I'm gonna need everybody

to step out a minute, please.

Now, let's go, boys.

Don't worry, kid.
We'll catch this guy.

You have my word.

And I'll be
right back, okay?

So, try and hold it,
'cause I need my gloves.

( sighs )

Man, this is messed up.

That's okay.

We've survived worse things.

Remember that time we survived
those Cuban drug runners?

Where's the drugs?!
(loud buzzing)

We don't have any Coke,

but there's a Pepsi machine
downstairs.

( man shouting in Spanish )

( chain saw buzzing,
indistinct shouting )

Yeah, and remember that time

we got captured by
those Vietnamese guys?

( helicopter blades whirring )

( laughter )

Mow!

( grunts )

Mow! Mow!

Come on!
Go ahead, Greg. Go ahead.

Mow.
( grunts )

( man laughs )

It's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be all right.

Mow!
( laughter )

Go ahead.

( laughter )

Go fish.

Mow!
Mow!

( grunts )

Remember that time
we took out that mobster?

Leave the gun.

Take the Pop Tarts.

Yeah, we've had
some pretty crazy times.

Yeah. We have.

Hey.

So, you ready?

Are you ever ready for that?

Even though Greg's condition
was better,

our situation seemed
like it kept getting worse.

All I'm saying

is the police better
find him before I do.

My poor son got
one little friend,

and somebody got the
nerve to try to kill him?

Oh, no.

Maybe the driver
didn't see him.

Maybe he shouldn't
have been driving.

That's right.

No excuses.

They better
not find him,

'cause if they do,
I'm going to jail.

She didn't get that upset
when I got shot.

( thunder crashing )

Ooh, we better get
inside, you guys.

It sounds
like rain.

( rain falling )

Wow, there was no rain
in the forecast.

( thunder crashing )

Great, can we go home now?

No, we're not
going anywhere.

I paid for the motel.

We're gonna stay
in the motel.

Besides,

it's probably
just a passing cloud.

That's what they said
about Katrina.

It better be.

( thunder crashing )

( thunder crashing loudly )

Not only was it raining
at the beach,

back at home,
it was raining on my parade.

Chris.

You guys need to
eat so we can go.

Go where?

To the police station.

They called
and said they

have a suspect
in custody.

A witness gave
a pretty good description.

A witness?
A witness?

The bad part
about committing a crime

is that you're paying attention
to the crime.

Give me your money.

And not to who
is watching you do it.

( gun cocking )

You hear something?

Down at the precinct, somebody
was about to get fingered,

and I was praying it
wasn't going to be me.

Okay, you guys sit
down right here.

I'll be right back.

Dude, that's
the janitor.

Where?
There.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, no.

What's wrong?

Remember when I said
if we talked

someone would go to jail?

He's that someone.

It was his car.

GREG:
Wait, dude,
I don't get this.

Your mom said they
had someone in custody.

He's in disguise,
but he's not in custody.

Wait,

so if they didn't
arrest me

and they didn't
arrest him,

who did they arrest?

Number three,
step forward.

Chris, isn't that
your wrestling coach?

I guess that answers
who they arrested.

CHRIS:
An important lesson to learn:

if you don't want
to be accused of a crime,

don't have a twin
who's a criminal.

Why'd you arrest
our coach?

The witness
described the car

she saw leaving
the scene.

He's the owner
of the car

that matched
that description.

Well, that's not
the guy who hit me.

Well, maybe he is.

Does this jog your
memory, Greg?

No.

How about now?

No, it's not
Coach Brantley.

It's not any of those guys.

I told you I didn't know.

So, you saw him,
but just didn't know him?

This is good.

You're starting
to remember.

Let's get you with
our sketch artist,

and you can describe what
the driver looks like.

DETECTIVE:
Let's go.

I was afraid the police
had broke Greg

and he described
his hit and run driver: me.

Uh, I need to go
to the bathroom.

This was back in the '80s
when going to the bathroom

in police stations
was still safe.

Come on, we
need to talk.

What happened?

Look, there's nothing
to worry about.

You sure about that?

Yeah.

I mean, I know
that there are people

that would be very upset
if they were ever implicated

in any way in my accidental
car accident.

CHRIS:
Yeah, and if we

knew anything, which we don't,

we wouldn't talk,
which we haven't.

There you are.

Can you believe this?

Yeah... uh, no, no.

What happened
in there?

It's crazy.

These cops, they drag me
down here, talking about

I ran some kid over
outside the school.

That's nuts.

I got a nice ride.

I want to hit a kid,
I'll punch him

in the face, I'm not
gonna dent my car.

You know, those cops
are crazy, cuz.

They bring you down here
for nothing.

Twenty-nine times
I get arrested.

For nothing.

You and DMX.

Yeah, it's crazy.

What are you guys
doing here?

I don't know.

We're here with my mom.

She's thinking
about applying for a job

as a crossing guard.
Yeah.

Well, if kids are
getting run over

outside the school,
they need one.

We got to go.

So, what did you
tell the cops?

Don't worry.

I described a guy
they'll never find.

Man, I didn't hit a kid
with a car.

This is New York City.

I take the subway everywhere
or I walk.

I don't even drive.

Isn't that
Kristoff St. John?

Yep.
That's not him.

That guy...

is this guy.

I'm telling you,
it's not him.

I must have
been nervous.

Take another look.

Kristoff St. John
didn't hit me.

Yeah, he's right,
that's not him.

Boy, I thought you said
you didn't see anything.

Yeah, dummy.

Oh, now that I think about it,
it's kind of

all coming back.

As I came around the corner,
I think I might

have caught a glimpse
of the driver.

Well, let's get you
with the sketch artist.

Jesse from All My Children,
you're next.

So, what, uh,
does this mean

that Kristoff St. John
is innocent?

I'm afraid so.

Hold on a moment, Greg.

( groaning )

Kristoff!

Can I get your autograph?!

I am your biggest fan!

While I was dodging
another bullet,

raindrops kept falling
on my father's head.

This place
is amazing.

They got free shampoo,
conditioner and soap.

It was kind
of hard

to go to the bathroom

with that strip of paper
across the seat.

I did it, though.

( whirring, creaking )

This is great.

Dad, we got to get one of these.

This is the worst vacation ever.

We haven't even seen the beach.

I'm sorry, baby.

If I could, I would bring
the beach inside.

My father's spring break
had gotten rained out,

and my mother was enjoying
being stretched out.

( phone rings )

Hello?

Rochelle, it's me.

Hey, baby.

What's wrong?

It's been raining ever since we
got here, that's what's wrong.

This is the worst vacation ever.

Oh, baby, that's too bad.

I feel like packing up
and coming home tonight.

( grunting )

No, no, no, no.

No, no, don't do that.

Why not?
Because she's on vacation
from you.

Well, maybe you should travel
during the day when it clears.

And I-I'm sure the kids
are having a great time.

She's on vacation
from them, too.

Dad, there's
something wrong

with the sea turtle
you got me.

It's not a sea turtle;
it's a tortoise.

Turtle, tortoise...
you know how hard

it was for me to
catch that thing?

Well, it couldn't have
been moving that fast.

That's it.

I'll see you in the morning.

No, no, wait, wait,
baby, baby...

( dial tone droning )

After I talked to the cops,
I was hoping they

were drawing
a whole new conclusion.

Man, I hope this is over.
Trust me.

Unlike you, I described a guy
they'll never be able to find.

Kristoff St. John.

Thanks for making me
breakfast, Chris,

but can you go down to Doc's
and get some orange juice?

I hate to ask, but, you know,

I can't walk.
And you won't be able to eat

when I hit you upside the head
with the frying pan.

It's raining.

Dude,
you hit me

with a car, broke my leg,

and then made me lie
to the cops.

I think the least you can do
is get me some OJ.

Fine.

( knocking on door )

DETECTIVE:
Ah, good.

We found that guy you described.

Oh, no, the cops got Jesse!

I did what I could so nobody
got taken down,

and in the end,
I got caught up.

This is bad.

I can't let some guy go
to jail for what I did.

I got to turn myself in.
Hang on, Chris.

Let's think about this.

If you turn yourself in,
you'll go to jail

for hitting me,
the janitor will go back

to prison for leaving
the scene of a crime,

and I'll go to jail
for lying to the police.

What about the guy
they arrested, huh?

Do we just let his
life get ruined

and we go about
with our happy lives?

I wouldn't call it happy,
but I know what you mean.

Yes.

No, I can't do this.

Excuse me, Officer,
I got something I need

to tell you.
Just a second.

They're bringing
the guy in now.

There he is.

( man screaming )

You'll never take me alive!

( gun firing )

I thought the truth
would set me free,

but instead,
it darn near got me killed.

Chris, the city
of New York

owes you a debt
of gratitude.

Your description of Greg's
hit and run assailant

led us to the Uncle of Sam.

The serial choker?

Yes, ma'am,
but he was escalating.

He went from choking
to plowing down.

Who knows what
was next?

You're a brave
kid, Chris.

No, I'm not.

While the Uncle of Sam
got sent up the river,

my father drove home
in the rain.

( birds twittering )

Ain't this about a...

After all was said and done,

Greg had something
to say about what we did.

Hey, man, what's
the matter?

We put the wrong man
in jail.

Wrong man?

He was a serial choker.

Yeah, but he
didn't hit me

with the car;
you did.

Okay, so I hit you with
the car, but if I hadn't,

they would have never
caught the Uncle of Sam,

so we did a good thing.

Yeah, I guess.

The more important
thing is

we got away with it.

No, we didn't.
Yeah, we did.

Nobody knows but me and you.
And your mother.

She doesn't know anything.
Yeah, she does.

She's standing behind
me, isn't she?

Yep.

( Greg speaks quietly )

( crashing, Greg groaning )

GREG:
Oh, God. I'm okay.

You're the one who hit Greg?

It was an accident.

Why didn't you
just tell the truth?

'Cause it
was someone else's car.

I thought they'd go to jail.

Hitting someone with a car
is not illegal.

Lying to the police is.

Ma, I know you're mad,

but it's over.

It all worked out.

It's not a big deal.

You broke your friend's leg,
you both lied to the police,

we were in the middle
of a police shootout

with a serial choker,

and you don't think
it's a big deal?

Not in Bed-Stuy.

Is it a big deal now?

So, what did they
get you for?

* Everybody hates Chris *

* Ah, make it funky now *