Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 16 - Everybody Hates Lasagna - full transcript

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---
( Michael Jackson's
"Annie" playing )

CHRIS:
Before Cops was a show on TV,

I saw cops chasing
criminals every day

on the streets in Bed-Stuy.

Some of the criminals
were fast.

Come on. Let's go!

( gasping )

* Annie, are you okay? *

* So, Annie, are you okay *

Some of them were fast,

then slow.



And no matter what you saw,

the most important thing
was to not get involved.

( siren blaring )

* Annie, are you okay?
Are you okay, Annie? *

* Annie, are you okay? *

Hold this.
What is it?

What you think it is?

And you better have it
when I get back!

* He came into
your apartment *

* Left the bloodstains
on the carpet *

Hey, where's
the weed, T.J.?

I ain't got no weed, man!

Yeah, right.

Where's the weed, T.J.?



I had never actually
seen real marijuana.

But after having a bag of it
shoved into my hands,

I knew onething:
Where's the weed, T.J.?

if that's what happened to the
guy who didn't have the weed,

I didn't want to know
what would happen

to the guy who did have it.

( funky hip-hop theme playing )

* Oh, make it funky now *

A bag of weed can cause you
all kinds of problems:

big ones, like losing your job;

and little ones, like trying
to figure out where to hide it.

I thought about hiding it
in the bathroom.

( Rick James'
"Mary Jane" playing )

Who's hiding $27 worth of weed
in the toilet?!

* I'm in love
with Mary Jane *

I thought about hiding it
in my room.

* She's my main thing *

Mama!

Somebody hid some weed
in Chris' sock drawer!

I even thought about hiding it
in the kitchen.

* She comes as no surprise *

Who hid weed in my cereal?!

But I decided the
safest place to hide it

was on me.

Even though I hid the weed,
I couldn't hide the smell.

( sniffing )

What is that?

What is what?

That smell.

I don't smell
anything.

Maybe it's the greens.

If you can't smell
anything,

how do you know
it's the greens?

( sniffing )

That's not greens.

Oh, it's greens, all right.

It smells like it's coming
from under the table.

( sniffing )

It smells like weed.

( dramatic theme playing )

( heart beating )

How do you know
what weed smells like?

Scratch 'n sniff
Rick James sticker?

I think I might have smelled
it at the record store.

What record store?

The Jamaican record store.

I went there to get
the new Lisa Lisa album.

( coughing )

Ya, mon, check
back next week!

How many times do I have
to tell you kids,

the Jamaicans
do not sell records?

Or if they do,
they're Sean Paul.

What were you doing
over there anyway?

Andrea is having
a listening party

for the new Lisa Lisa
and Cult Jam album.

And I wanted the album
so I would know the songs.

But it's not out yet.

She was such a big fan
of Lisa Lisa,

for a while we had to call her
Tonya Tonya.

Party? When?

Wednesday
after school.

Can I go?
No.

My father hardly ever said no
to Tonya,

so we were more shocked
than she was.

What?
What?

Tonya, change your tone.

How come I can't go?

It's just Andrea's.

I can't sleep if I know
you're not home.

I said no. That's it.

That look means,
"We'll see about that."

Keeping weed on me

didn't seem like
such a great idea,

so I decided to just
keep it near me.

( comic theme playing )

Back at school,
I had Jamaican Gold in my shoe

and Italian Greg on my case.

Are you crazy
bringing that here?

I couldn't
leave it at home.

Well, you're gonna be
leaving everything at home

when you end up in jail.

Why didn't you
just throw it away?

( school bell rings )

Because he knows who I am,
and knows where I work--

plus he said that
when he comes back,

I better have it.

What difference does
it make what he says?

He's going to jail.
And when he gets out,

this weed's gonna be right
there at Doc's waiting for him.

I don't care if it
takes 20 years.

It might be legal by then.

Well, you can't
keep it in that sock.

You smell like the ocean.

I have no where
else to put it.

Some drug mules
would beg to differ.

I'll get you
something.

Meet me in the
bathroom before lunch.

Hey, girl.

Hey!

What's all this?

I got you a computer.

A computer? For what?

To keep the salon organized.

It holds customer
information, appointments,

calculate our accounts
receivable and payable.

It does just about
everything but hair.

Oh, I don't need a computer.

Girl, I'm a walking computer.

But I'm not.

Girl, I don't even
know what's going on

in my own salon anymore.

Sounds like my father.

Try it! You'll like it.

That sounds like
my father, too.

While my mom was entering
the computer age,

Greg was contemplating
the stoned age.

Chris?

Yeah?

Hey, up top.

What's this?

It's a kitchen
container.

It's airtight.

That way it keeps
all the freshness in,

but it keeps the smells
from getting out.

Hey, by the way.

I got an idea.

Maybe we should just smoke it.

You know, get rid
of all the evidence.

Are you high?

I'm trying to hide
the evidence,

not be the evidence.

What about T.J.?

Look, every moment you have
that weed in your possession,

you increase the statistical
chances of getting caught.

You could go to jail.

If we smoke it,
it's gone.

I'm gonna not do
that, all right?

I'm gonna take my
chances not being high.

Somewhere, Bobby Brown said,
"This show is ridiculous,"

and changed the channel.

While I was holding weed,

my mother was about
to hold a grudge.

Hey, Peaches.

Hi!

Whatcha you doing here?

Vanessa said

that she would give me a
discount on my next touch-up

if I showed you all your
way around the computer.

Rochelle, this girl, she
knows what she is doing.

Most people, they get
out of prison--

they end up
back in jail.

This girl is gonna
end up running a company.

Well, it can't be too hard
if you learned it in prison.

You know, a lot
of people think

when you're in prison,
all you learn

is how to be
a better criminal.

But if you stay positive
and motivated,

you can learn anything
in there.

You could become a lawyer.
You could get in shape.

I'm telling you, my prison
was better than school.

How would she know?

She's never been to school.

Well, that's okay.

I could do it.
You know, uh,
Ow. Ooh.

I like to get a feel
for things myself.

I'm more of a...
a hands-on type.

She's more
the hands-on-your-neck type.

( computer whirring )
Oh!

While the weed was burning
a hole in my gym bag,

I was hoping
not to burn my lasagna.

Remember:

this dish will count as 50%
towards your final grade.

How's your lasagna, Chris?

Great. I'm just putting
the finishing touches

on the sauce.

How's your angel food cake?

It's gonna be
just like me...

...sweet and light

and everybody'll
want a piece.

If everyone is George Michael.

( dog barking in distance )
Whatever you say.

Ay bendito,

hold me!

Angel, please let me go.

I'm sorry. I'm scared.

So am I.

Please let me go.

MAN: Ma'am.
WOMAN: Oh, come on in.

( dog barks )
What's going on?

Oh, looks like a
random drug raid.

Drug raid?

There's a lot of people getting
high in school these days.

That's why they call it
high school.

But they didn't announce
they were gonna do this.

That's why it's
called a raid, papi.

Class,

this is K-9
Officer Kilo.

Now, there's no reason
to be afraid.

He doesn't bite
unless he's ordered to.

He's better behaved
than Naomi Campbell.

We're just here
to do a walk-through.

Just keep your places.
We'll be done in a sec.

( students screaming )

They either had weed or John
Mayer was playing outside.

( overlapping yelling )

OFFICER:
Get him!

Hold on here.
Get back here!

This was gonna be the lasagna
that bakes you back.

Now I had two problems.

The guy's weed was
in a lasagna.

And I had a lasagna
full of weed.

Ooh, that looks
delicious!

I would've thought you would
fry up some chicken,

but this is a real surprise.

( school bell rings )

Leave your dishes
at your stations.

I'm gonna wrap
and label this

and keep them in the
freezer for Friday.

Friday? What's Friday?

It's a movie about weed
with Ice Cube and Chris Tucker.

The faculty will be judging
your dishes this year.

And you're
representing your class.

And that's my ass.

While I worried
about prison bars,

my mother struggled
to become Bill Gates.

Hey, Mom.
Hey!

Hey!

What are you guys doing here?

Peaches told us
we can come

and she'll show us how
to work the computer.

One day, everybody is
gonna have one of these.

No reason they
can't get a head start.

Um, I'm a little
busy right now.

Oh, come on, Ma.
Can we try it, please?

Girl, go ahead.
Let 'em try.

After a few minutes
with Peaches,

they'll be
teaching you things.

Go on. But
just a minute.

Oh, what are
you doing

with these manuals?

Funny!

Can I talk you
for a minute?

Do you have a
problem with me?

What? No.

Why would you
ask me that?

Because you keep embarrassing
me in front of people.

And Peaches is
in there acting like

she's Albert Einstein
with my kids.

Now, if you want
to replace me,

then just say so.

Rochelle, you're
being ridiculous.

How would you feel if I
bought a computer here that

knew how to do hair and she knew
how to work it and you didn't?

Rochelle, you sound
like a crazy woman.

Now, if you don't want her
helping with the computer, fine.

But you better learn it
fast, 'cause the person that

manages this store is going
to be working on that computer.

While my mother was getting
the lowdown from Vanessa,

I was trying not to get
the whole faculty high.

Hey, I know you.
You're that black kid.

How'd you like to
make a five spot?

I'd like that.

I need to get
into the Home Ec room.

I left something in there.
Sure.

What'd you leave?

I'd rather not say.

Let's just say

we left five bucks
in there.
Oh.

( chuckles ):
Five bucks.

That's good.
That's very clever.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm going to Andrea's
listening party.

Dad said you couldn't go.

( mocking ):
"Dad said you couldn't go."

Dad is asleep
and Mama's at work.

As long as I get home
before Daddy wakes up,

and you keep your mouth shut
and stay out of my business,

then we shouldn't
have a problem.

A'ight.

When a person says "a'ight,"

that means,
"Do what you want,

but I'm telling you
it's a bad idea."

Mr. President, I'm telling you,
I think hiring

this Lewinsky girl
is a bad idea.

CLINTON ( on phone ):
I don't care what you think.

I want her on the clock
Monday morning.

Got me?

A'ight.

While Tonya was breaking out,
I was breaking in.

Oh, man,
where's all the food?

Mrs. Williams had me move it
over to the cafeteria freezer.

Why didn't you tell
us this before?

Listen here,
Mr. I'd-Rather-Not-Say,

how do I know
what you're looking for?

Blame yourself.

Well, can you let us
into the cafeteria kitchen?

No, only the chef
has those keys now.

I think you're going
to need a Plan B.

As in "bail" money.

I always believed that drugs
could destroy your life

because I wasn't even
using them

and my life was getting worse
by the day.

The next time we're
going to see that lasagna

is when the faculty
is eating it.

If only we could pull
an Indiana Jones,

like Raiders of the Lost Ark.

You mean when he swaps the
bag of sand for a statue?

Yeah, the old bait-and-switch.

All right,
I guess I can make

another lasagna, but how
are we going to switch that

with the weed lasagna
without anybody seeing?

See the answer in Indiana Jones
and the Temple of Weed.

Hey.
* Baby, I think I love you *

Hey, what's up, Julius?
* From head to toe *

Have you heard

of Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam?
Oh, that's it.

Ooh, that song is hotter
than grits on Al Green, baby.

Look, I need that
album for Tonya.

She wanted to hear it
at a listening party,

but I wouldn't let her go.

I can't let her be
the only girl on the block

that hasn't heard it.
Oh, man, you're in luck.

( tape stops )

Shoot, this came out
yesterday in limited release.

He released it
from the back of a truck.

And the only people
that are listening to it

are listening parties and me.

And you're lucky.

I love $12 more
than I love Lisa Lisa.

My dad was wondering
if he could just have

one Lisa for half the price.

* From head to toe *

Ha-ha! Here you go.

All right, thank you.
Enjoy, brother.

* I love you
from head to toe *

Back at home, my mother
was about to find out

about something
she didn't know.

Mmm, that smells good.

It's lasagna.
Chris made it.

I didn't know he
could make lasagna.

Yeah, he learned
in Home Ec.

One is for us,
and the other,

he has to take
back to his school.

So don't eat it.

Where are you going?

I'm going to register

for computer class
at the Learning Skills Annex.

How much is that
going to cost?
Not much.

Drew and Tonya said Peaches
was teaching them the computer.

How come she can't teach you?

( singing ):
* Ooh, baby,
I think I love you *

* From head to toe.*
Peaches only knows a little.

I need to learn
about programming.

Oh, no, she knows
all about that.

She designed this program
that lets her log in

all her community
service hours.

Baby, if Peaches can
teach you for free,

how come I'm paying
for classes?

'Cause you're not
married to Peaches.

Now, can I take my class
or would you rather

me get locked up
and learn in jail?

He's seriously
thinking about this.

Hey, it's okay.

Take your classes.

At school the next day,
I had to stop the cook-off

from turning into a bake-off.

We have to create
a diversion.

Nobody will be paying attention
and it'll be the perfect time

to switch the lasagnas.

You serious?

As a heart attack.

Wait for my signal.

And now, I'd like
to begin the tasting.

Come on.

I bet you
you would've.

( fire alarm rings )

Okay, this is not
a scheduled alarm.

I need everyone
to evacuate

in an orderly fashion.

( indistinct shouting )

Chris, come on!

You might be black,
but you're not fireproof.

Leave that bag there.

( horn honking )

GREG:
Chris!

What took you so long?

Just wanted to make
sure nobody saw me.

Cool.

Meanwhile, my mother was paying
for computer classes

to save her pride.

Hi, class!

Welcome to
Computer Love Lesson.

I Peaches!

Y'all know y'all don't
know nothing, right?

I managed to get the lasagna
out of school.

Now all I had to do was make
sure me and T.J. were cool.

T.J.:
Hey!

I want my stuff.

And you bet not have
smoked none.

Oh, I didn't smoke it.

I, uh, baked it.

There you go.

Hmm-hmm...

So let me get
this straight.

You didn't want to learn
the computer from me,

but then I catch you

trying to learn it
from somebody else.

Peaches, you're
the one teaching me.

You didn't know
it was going to be me.

How could you do this, Rochelle?

I am your friend.

I didn't want
you to think

that I wasn't smart
enough to learn it.

Why come?

'Cause I learned
it in a prison?

No.
Yes!

Tell the truth.

Tell the truth
and set your mind free.

Okay, I was jealous.
Jealous of who?

You. Me?
Yeah. Why?

Because I didn't
want people to think

that you were better than me.

Better than you?
Yeah.

I'm a felon.

I have a parole officer.
I can't vote.

I have a tattoo
on my back

made with a safety pin.

And it says "Larry."

And it's misspelled,
L-A-R-Y-R.

And Larry did it.

Oh.
Rochelle, I'm not

better than you,
I want to be just like you.

How many times I
gotta tell you that?

The only thing

I got going for me
is these computers.

And last week,
I was this close

to stealing each
and every one of them.

Every day is a struggle,
Rochelle, every day.

But I keep going and I
keep going,

because someday I hope I can be
half as good as you are.

You are.

I am what?

Half as good as me.

Thank you.

( sotto voce ):
Sorry.

What? What was that?

What? I didn't
hear that one.

( hushed ):
I'm sorry.
No, you know what?

You really, you're mumbling
and you really need to turn

the volume up like this:
what, what?!

Okay, I said
I was sorry.

Sorry!
Sorry! Sorry!

Thank you.

Now, sit down.

Two weeks later,
Malvo stole all the computers

and used the money to have
her tattoo removed.

Back at home,
my father was doing

some computing of his own.

* from head to toe *

Catchy little tune,
isn't it?

Huh?

You went to Andrea's
house, didn't you?

Don't lie.

I'm sorry, Daddy.

No, she's not.

Tonya, come here.

Tonya, I know
you're growing up,

and you can't be
my little girl forever.

So throw her out the house.

But you've got junior high and
high school in front of you.

And a foot coming up
fast behind you.

That's the time when most
kids make bad decisions.

I'm here to help
you make good ones.

By choking some sense into you.

You understand?

I understand, Daddy.

For me?!
Yup.

Thank you!

You did something
I didn't like,

now I'm doing something
you don't like.

You're lucky he didn't
make you pay $12.

Man, that was
such a close call.

It's a good thing I
was able to get in there

and switch those lasagnas.

What? I switched
the lasagna.

When?
Right before
I left the room.

What did you do?

Chris, come on!

You might be black,
but you're not fireproof!

Leave that bag there.

( exciting theme playing )

Wait a minute--
so that means that

I gave the lasagna with
no weed in it to T.J.

That would be correct.

So if that went to T.J...

Who's got the lasagna
with the weed in it?

* The tide is high,
but I'm holding on... *

Feed me some more lasagna.

Mmm...

( giggles )

* I'm not the kind of girl *

* Who gives up just *

* Like that *

* Everybody hates Chris. *

( upbeat theme playing )