Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 15 - Everybody Hates Boxing - full transcript

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CHRIS:
When I was growing up,
I loved boxing

because I loved
the movie Rocky.

I'd seen it a million times
and could recite every line.

The lines everyone knew...

Yo, Adrian!

And lines everyone
didn't know...

( as Mickey ):
Why do you have to wear
that stinkin' sweat suit?

( as Rocky ):
It brings me luck, y'know?

Brings you luck?

I'll tell you
what it brings.

It brings flies!



And in the spring of 1987,
boxing was big

and some people
thought Mike Tyson

was the greatest boxer alive.

Dude, Mike Tyson is the
greatest boxer alive.

And some people didn't.

No, he's not.

James "Bonecrusher" Smith is
the first heavyweight champ

with a college degree.
The brother is smart.

Then why'd he go into
the face-punching business?

You know what?

I'll bet you
five dollars

that he beats Tyson
in Vegas next week.

It's like taking
candy from a baby.

Who would do that?



You know what?
You're on.

There was only one part
of boxing I didn't like...

...getting punched.

I thought white guys
only knocked out

the black guys in the movies.

Only in white movies.

You know, I like
seeing a good fight.

But what I just saw--
that was terrible.

Why didn't you do something?

Why didn't you do anything?

Right. I was too busy

getting punched in the face.

I'll tell you what.

I run a boxing program
down at the Boys Athletic Club.

Why don't you come by,
I'll teach you to box, huh?

You could learn
to defend yourself.

I don't know.

C'mon. You'll be like Rocky.

But instead of being
the Italian Stallion,

you'll be
the Black Stallion.

Hope I don't get sent
to the glue factory.

( funky hip-hop theme playing )

* Oh, make it funky now *

Thurman was the first teacher
that ever did anything

about me getting beat down
every day,

only I couldn't figure out why.

Wait, what difference does me
getting beat up make to you?

I don't like seeing the
"metaphorical" little guy

get beat up.

The United States
was a little guy

but we're a superpower now

'cause we got out from
under England's thumb.

Thurman cared
about the principles

of boxing for self-defense.

I wanted to box
for another reason.

This is what I imagined
my life would be like

after I learned how to box.

What's the matter, Sir Nose,

can't catch the rhythm
of the stroke?

( exciting theme playing )

( screams )

Maybe pigs do fly.

While I was
going to learn to fight,

( alarm buzzing )

my father was fighting
the clock.

Hey, baby.
Whoa!

( sighs )
Oh.

What are you doing?

Just waiting for you to wake up.

Why?

Well, you've been working
so many extra shifts lately.

I miss you.

Oh, I miss you too, baby.

Mwah.
Mmm.

Why are you staring
at my feet?

She loves your bunions.

I'm just trying
to be close to you.

I never get a chance
to see you anymore.

I barely even remember
what you look like.

And I get lonely.

I know,

but I have to go to work

so you can either be
lonely in this house

or together in the streets.

That's it?

That's what?

I'm talkin' about you,

and you're talking
about this house.

I can't

watch TV with this house.

I can't talk to
this house about my day.

I can't ask this house
to rub my feet!

When I hear a noise downstairs
in the middle of the night,

I can't ask this house

to go downstairs
and see what it is!

Julius, I did not marry
this house.

I married a man!

But when they leave the man,

they always end up
with a house.

I wasn't saying that.

That's okay.

You just keep on workin',

but I'm not gonna
sit here and wait

to watch you
tie your shoes.

My father had
two full-time jobs,

three if you count my mother.
Hey, Dad.

Mom said that since you
like to work so much

to take these letters
around the corner.

They belong to somebody
in the other building.

( sighs )
Okay.

I'll see you after school.

Oh, and I'm gonna
be home late tonight.

Why? What do you have to do?

I'm learning how to box.

Box?

How much is that gonna cost?

Just a little dignity.

Nothing. My teacher's
supplying everything.

That's great.

Remember what happened
with you and karate.

Don't break no bones.

Bones are expensive.

( knocking )

Yes, can I...

help you?

Are you Ms., uh, Hutchins?

Yes.

Well, I think I got
your mail by mistake.

She'd like to help him
make another mistake.

That is so sweet of you.

I just moved here
about a month ago.

Where-- where do you live?

In poverty.

Around the corner.
In the building behind you.

Well, I guess that means
we're neighbors.

I'm Darlene.

And you're...?

Married.

Julius.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Mm-hmm.

While my father
was getting hit on,

I was about to get
my first punch in.

Most guys-- they want
to learn how to box

so they can punch,
understand?

Uppercut, jab, hook.

Right? But punching
is only the second

most important
thing in boxing.

What's the first thing?

Not getting hit.

Muhammad Ali
said it best:

gotta "float like a
butterfly, sting like a bee.

The hands can't hit
what the eyes can't see."

All right, pop.

Ow!

That hurt, right?

Yeah, that's why
I said, "Ow."

Okay, so at that moment,

what would you
rather be doing,

punching or not getting hit?

Not getting hit.

Okay. Good.
Take a swing at me.

Give it everything you got.

That's good. Okay,
now, keep it coming.

Keep 'em coming.

Whoa! Nice!

See, the best offense

is a strong defense.

Okay?

Because defense

is the art of preparing
for any eventuality.

Because when
you get hit,

eventually,
you're going down.

Right?

But when they show up,

what do they do
if you're not there?

We could ask Osama Bin Laden.

While I was taking
my first boxing lesson,

Drew was about to learn
something new.

Hey, Dad, I
need some help.

My window is stuck, and
it's kind of stuffy in here.

By stuffy he means funky.

Let me take a look at it.

( grunting )

Now, that's a nice welcome
to the neighborhood.

Since you had a
little something for me...

I got a little
something for you.

( grunts )

There you go.

Thanks, Dad.

Drew wanted more fresh air,

but he got something
even better.

Instead of taking
her clothes off,

she should have kept
her glasses on.

( playful theme playing )

Relax, we know

this is a kids' show.
Cool.

( sighs )

Earlier that day my mother had
made my father's sandwich

with a little extra love.

"Thinking of you.

Love, Rochelle."

( busy signal buzzing )

Secretly, he was happy
'cause he got his dime back.

Back at school,

there was only one person
more excited about me boxing

than me.

Dude, you're learning
the way of the pugilist.

The sweet science
of fisticuffs.

I'm just learning
the basics.
Yeah, if that's
the case,

maybe you can understand

why Tyson's gonna
dismantle Bonecrusher.

Oh, you wish.

I heard they're having a
closed-circuit screening

at Madison Square Garden, but
it's been sold out for months.

Dude, I'd do anything
to see that fight.

Would you fight Mike Tyson?

Whoa, that's good.

That's good!
Maybe it's time

we try you in the ring
with some real boxers.

Whoa, whoa.

I'm trying to learn to defend
myself against regular guys,

not boxers.
That's what I'm saying.

If you can stay out
of the way of a real boxer,

a regular guy is never gonna
be able to lay a hand on you.

Look, the fact is, I
think you got talent.

And I could use your help
with some sparring.

I'll sweeten
the pot for you.

I'll give you two passes

to the closed-circuit
Tyson-Bonecrusher fight.

What do you say?

Dude, you have to do this.

It's a no-brainer.

If you had no brain,

wouldn't you make
bad decisions?

( punch )

Whoa.

You see?

I need you.

You need me.

And we need those tickets.

So it's a win-win.

Said the guy
who didn't get punched.

While Drew watched Darlene
through a window,

Darlene watched my father
through Coke-bottle glasses.

* Walking down the street *

* Watching ladies go by,
watching you... *

Hey, Julius!

I was just coming
to look for you.

You were?
Yeah.

This is gonna sound crazy.

You are not gonna believe this,

but I got some of your mail.

Isn't that crazy?

That's crazy. Yeah.

Not as crazy as her.

It is so crazy how we live
right behind each other.

Yeah.

I guess I'll be seeing
a lot more of you

if they keep messing up
our mail like this.

I don't mind if you don't.

Looks like you got more
of my mail than me.

Isn't that crazy?

Yeah, it's crazy.

Thanks.

I'll see you later.

Yes, you will.
( laughing )

* ...Made up my mind,
but I'm lookin'.... *

While my father was dealing
with a crazy woman,

I was starting to feel
like a crazy man.

Ah, I'm glad you showed up.

I'm not.

So who do you want
me to spar with?

Painmaker.

( grunting )

I was about to fight Painmaker,
and the phone bill

was about to cause my father
some pain of his own.

What?

Who's been making
phone calls at midnight?

Two dollars, thank you.

Meanwhile, Drew's window
was attracting more perverts

than Times Square.
Gracias.

( knocking )

Hey.
Hey.

What's up, Dad?
You haven't been playing on the
phone at midnight, have you?

Nope. Wasn't me.

What about
Tonya or Chris?

I don't think so.

Why do you have that
window open like that?

Somebody could come
in here and steal

our whole house.
Not with me in here.

Oh, after
you opened it,

I couldn't get it shut again.

Thanks, Dad.
Okay.

* You're stepping so high *

Hey, hey, there she is!
Showtime.

This gives
a whole other meaning

to Neighborhood Watch.

See that right there.
Whoo!

( whistles )

( whistling )

That's nasty.

Are you serious?!

( boys cheering )

All right,
now don't forget:

just keep bobbing
and weaving.

Bobbing and weaving, right?

Go get him, Champ.

Champ? Who's he talking to?

( boxing bell
rings three times )

( scattered cheering )

( athletic theme playing )

( thuds, bell rings )

To your corner.

Dude, that was incredible.

Good job, Chris.
That's what you do.

I knew you had it in you.
How you feel?

( speaking gibberish
through mouthpiece )

I just said, "Somebody please
take my mouthpiece out."

By dinnertime I wasn't hungry
because I was full of myself.

Where's your mother?
She's at work.

But I gave away my extra shift
so I could see her.

Well, she took an extra shift

because she thought
you were working late.

I need to call her.

( phone ringing )
For a woman, there's only

one thing that replaces a man:
a pity party.

( singing along with radio ):
* All by myself *

( phone continues ringing )
* Don't want to be *

* All by myself *

* Anymore *

While my mother
was shaking with emotion,

Tonya was shaking down Drew.

( drawer closes )

So how much
are you charging them?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you

and your nasty friends
peeping on that lady.

( whispering ):
Shut up. Keep
your voice down.

I figure you're charging
them two dollars a head.

I want half.

I'm not giving you a dime

because if you tell I was
looking, I'm going to tell Mama

about the liquor
and cigarettes

you've been hiding
in your room.

I didn't hide any liquor
or cigarettes in my room.

Oh, you didn't?

Maybe it was me.

While Drew
had Tonya's number,

my father was running down
the midnight number.

( line ringing )

MAN ( on phone ):
This is Lawrence.

How you doing, baby?

Not good.

Hey, fellas.

Here's your tickets

to the closed-circuit
Tyson-Bonecrusher fight.

Hey, Sugar Hill.

What'd you just call me?

Oh-ho-ho, everybody,

get back;
stand back.

I don't want to miss this.

I called you "Sugar Hill."

What's the matter? You deaf?

Hey, hey, hey!
What is this?

Four against one.
That ain't a fair fight.

That's the point
of four against one.

Don't worry, Coach.
I can handle this.

Oh, yeah?

Hit me.

( dramatic theme plays )

Ha, ha-ha!

You see?
You can't touch my guy.

Scram! Beat it!
Let's go. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Yeah, that's right.

Walk away.

Wow! I didn't know
you could fight like that.

That's Chris.

I'm his friend.

Shut up.
All right.

I box down at the gym.

Can I come down
and watch you?

Yeah, sure.

Coach, you got anybody else
for me to take?

Oh, sure. You could, uh,
you could spar with Julio.

Doesn't make any difference
to me whether I'm

not getting hit by Painmaker or
not getting hit by Julio.

I'll set it up.

Who is Julio anyway?

My Silver Shorts champion.

"Silver Shorts"?
Doesn't that mean, like,

the best boxer in the city?

Yeah. What's the difference?

I'll see you there.

Not if I leave town.

While I had to get
in the ring with Julio,

my father had to get in a round
with my mother.

Rochelle,
we need to talk.

Okay, baby, in a minute.

Oh, open that window.
It's stuck. I need some air.

( Slave's "Watching You" plays )

* There you go swayin'
Blowing my mind... *

I'll be downstairs.

Okay.

Oh, he opened it too high.

* You can tell...
Walking down the street *

* Watching ladies go by,
watching you *

* Hope that you can tell... *
What is this?

* Walking down the street,
watching ladies *

* Go by, watching you... *

Drew, tell your father
I'll be right back.

Okay.

While my mother prepared
for a showdown,

I got ready for a beat-down.

( boxing bell rings twice )

( boxing bell rings once )

( body thuds )

We already have the tickets
for the fight tomorrow night.

Caruso can't touch you,

and that girl you wanted
to try to impress,

she didn't even show up.

You really don't have to get
in the ring with that guy.

You're right.
Let's just go.

I'll tell Thurman
I got sick.

Oh, there you are!

I've been looking for you.

Come on.
You're up next.

Oh! My God!

I am so sorry.
I didn't know.

I-- I am so... oh,
my God, I don't know

what you must
think of me. I am so...

Well...

Well, if Julius wasn't
the one looking at me,

then who was it?

( all screaming )

When is she gonna stop screaming
and start stripping?

Man, that's my mom!

I know.

( boxing bell rings )
Back at the gym,

I was out of the frying pan
and into the fire.

THURMAN:
You said it yourself,

"What difference does it make
not getting punched," right?

"Float like a butterfly,
sting like a bee.

His hands can't hit
what his eyes can't see."

Up to that point,
I was perfecting my defense.

But then I did something wrong.

I decided to try my offense.

( cheering )

Look out! Look out!

Look out!

( a la Mickey ):
"Get out of the way, Rock!
Get out of the way!"

Get out of the way!

Unfortunately, Julio believed

the best offense
was a stronger offense.

While my head was spinning,

my father went
right to the point.

What happened to you?
And who is Lawrence?

How do you know about Lawrence?

Wrong answer.

I got the phone bill.

You've been talking
to him every night.

How lonely have
you been, Rochelle?

( laughing )

This isn't funny.

Yes, it is.

Julius, Lawrence
is a radio deejay.

I told you. I've been lonely,
so sometimes I call him

and I ask him to play songs
that remind me of you.

Hmm. But some of these
calls are for 30 minutes.

Sometimes he puts me on hold.

There's a lot of lonely
people out there, baby.

Oh.

You feel stupid, huh?

Yeah.

( chuckles )
That's what's funny.

It wasn't the attention
my mother wanted,

but it did make her
feel closer to my father.

( phone ringing )

What happened?

Champ knocked you out.

( groans )
Man, we better get going.
We're going to miss the fight.

You already missed
the fight, stupid.

It's over?

Tyson won in a
ten-round decision.

You've been in a coma
for three days.

Doctor said you're going
to need your rest.

When Julio hit you, he kind
of damaged your inner ear,

so your equilibrium's
off a little bit.

What's that mean?

It means no more boxing.

But the good news is
he didn't break your legs.

So you can still run.

No more boxing?
Really?

Yeah, watch.

I'm going to come at you
with this hand,

and you're going
to try to move.

Ow!

* Everybody hates Chris *

( upbeat theme playing )