Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 14 - Everybody Hates PSATs - full transcript

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( upbeat theme playing )

CHRIS:
Going to high school
is full of pressure

because you barely spend
any time there

before they start trying
to prepare you for college.

These are guidebooks
for the PSATs.

What's that?

It's a preliminary
college exam.

Do well on this, chances are
you'll get into a good college,

get a good job,
and have a good life.

What if you don't do good?

If you don't do well...



Then you get something

from my box of paper hats.

Let's see...

which one of these will
look good on your head?

Try that.

See if you can
read that.

"May I take your
order, please?"

Perfect.

If you suck
on the PSAT,

you got nothing
to worry about.

You got a future
ahead of you.

A super-sized future.

( funky hip-hop theme playing )

* Oh, make it funky now *



I wanted to do well
on the PSAT,

but my mother wanted me
to do better...

Look at this, Chris.

You could get a
National Merit Scholarship.

If you get enough answers right,
you get money, like on Jeopardy.

DREW:
Actually, on Jeopardy,

you have to get
the questions right.

Actually, nobody asked you.

JULIUS:
They give scholarships
for being smart?

I thought they only gave
scholarships for playing sports.

Do they give scholarships
for being an idiot?

Chris can get that.

ROCHELLE:
Hush, Tonya.

Chris, if you do
well on this,

this would really mean a lot.

You know what,
I'm thinking about

enrolling you, Drew, and Tonya
into Hansel and Gretel.

What's Hansel and Gretel?

Hansel and Gretel is
a social organization

made up of successful
black families.

You know, the upper crust
of the black community.

We were just the crust.

How are we supposed to get in?

Well, we're successful
in our own way.

I mean each of us

has something
that we can be proud of.

I'm not pregnant.

I'm not on drugs.

I'm not in a gang.

I actually know
where all my kids are.

See, baby, we're
almost perfect.

We're damn near white.

You know what, we're going to go
to a meet-and-greet on Sunday.

If they like us, we're in.

While my mother was happy,

the big test was
making Greg testy.

This test is a monster.

Have you looked
at this thing?

It covers everything

from analogies and
reading comprehension

to algebra, geometry,
statistics and probability.

Anybody got a dictionary?

I don't have enough time
to do the work

I need to do to stay
in this school.

When am I going to find time
to do the work

I need to do to get
into another school?

Well, make time. You have to
prepare for this kind of exam.

Study a few hours every night

and then get eight hours of
sleep the night before the test.

I haven't slept eight
hours since I was born.

We were so broke,
we had to share our sleep.

I don't know about you.

I'm just going to cram
it in the night before.

It'll be easier to remember
if I just read it.

Historically, white people
prepare in advance,

while black people deal
with things at the last minute.

From going to the movies...

So what's playing?
Anything good?

Let me see...

Spaceballs?

What's that about?

...to natural disasters.

Yeah, girl. You know
anybody with a boat?

Hey, little dude,
let me hold a dollar.

That'll be a dollar.

Here you go.

PSATs, huh?

You know, my uncle works at the
place that makes the test books.

And I'm selling answer
keys if you need one.

20 bucks.
No, I'm good.

Well, you'll be better if you
have the answers to that test.

I'd be better if you'd stop
robbing me every single day.

Did you see this?

"Congratulations.

You have won a
free 27-inch color TV."

What is this, a scam?

No, it's legit. I called.

They said I just have
to come down and pick it up.

What, did you buy a
raffle ticket or something?

Not that I can remember.

But I enter
every contest I see.

He once entered a contest
to win a free contest.

At Hansel and Gretel
my mother laid down the law

like the big bad wolf.

I need you guys to be
on your best behavior.

So please, be sure to say
"please" and "thank you."

And for God's sake,
use your right fork.

Now if you don't know what
somebody is talking about,

just look at them, nod,
and say, "Oh, really?"

And agree, okay?

Okay.

Now go mingle.

That's white-speak for talking.

I just started
taking violin lessons.

My parents took me
to Lincoln Center

to see Itzhak Perlman.
He's a genius.

My family could nod
and say, "Oh, really?"

Oh, really?

But good luck
getting them to agree.

The violin's okay.
I like the bass.

Have you ever heard
the bass line

to "Get the Funk
Out of My Face"?

Louis Thunder-Thumbs Johnson?

Now that's
a genius.

When Americans talk about dance,
it's always Michael Jackson,

but I think that if more people
were to see Baryshnikov,

they would
feel differently.

Oh, really?

Well, a lot of people saw
him dance in White Nights

and they're still talking
about Michael Jackson.

I'm more of a
Boogaloo Shrimp fan myself.

So we all bought houses
on the Vineyard.

Aw, let me tell you,

weekends at the Inkwell
in the summer are amazing.

Oh, really?

So you bought another
house, in another state,

so you can get in the car
with your wife and kids

and drive
eight hours

so you can hang out
with the same people

you hang out with
during the week?

That is amazing.

While my family
was putting people off,

my mother was turning it on.

Hello, everyone.

This is my son Chris.

He's taking his
PSAT on Monday.

Well done.

George Watkins.

Very impressive, Chris.

You're taking the first
step towards college

and a very bright future.

And this is...?

God, not you.

You two know each other?

( sighs )
Yes.

He's the so-called judge

that threw me in jail

after I beat
that speeding ticket.

You were in contempt.

She still is.

Look, okay, that is
ancient history, all right?

I'm past that.

I'm here today
for my children.

Well, if you son is
doing well in school,

this is an opportunity for him
to meet the right people.

He's doing very well, thank you.

He's working on

a Merit Scholarship.

She might as well have said

I was working
on a cure for cancer.

Really? A
Merit Scholar, huh?

That's right.

Well, you're obviously trying
to better yourself.

How about we let

bygones be bygones?

Bye... Gone.

That's how proper black people
say, "Let's squash this."

Chris, just make sure you study
a little every night

and get eight hours of
sleep before your test.

Don't cram.

That's a surefire way to fail.

Okay, great. Good to see you.

( mocking ):
Good to see you, too.

I don't think he means it.

Back at home, if the
judge had been around

he'd be holding me in contempt.

Boy, what are you doing?

Didn't you hear
what the judge said?

You need to go to bed.

But...
But nothing!

Stop studying so you can
do well on that test!

First time I ever heard that.

Since I didn't get
to cram on my test,

there was only
one thing left to do.

Hey, Jerome...

Little dude from across the
street. Let me hold a dollar.

I'll let you hold $20. I need
the answer key to the PSAT test.

Now you're thinking.

All right, everyone, listen up.

The test is about to commence.

No pressure. It's-- just
the rest of your lives at stake.

Begin.

While everyone else
took the test,

I took out the answers.

And after the test results
were in, I got called out.

Chris, I just never would have
expected this out of you.

I just don't see
how you could do this.

When you're about
to go down for a crime,

everybody knows it's best

to throw yourself
on the mercy of the court.

Ms. Morello, I can explain.

This test meant
a lot to my mother.

I bet it did.

And she must be proud of you.

A perfect score
on the PSAT test?

That's unheard of in
the history of this school.

You're like a little
chocolate Einstein.

More like chocolate Pinocchio.

Thanks.

Anyway, we're taking you out
of your regular classes

and putting you in the
Advanced Placement program.

Advanced Placement?

Yes. If you think
white people are smart,

wait until you to go class
with the Asians.

Back home, I decided to keep
my high score on the down low.

Chris, how did you do
on the PSAT?

Oh, I think I did fine.

Halle Berry fine.

They should be sending
the scores soon.

Good. 'Cause I want to impress
those Hansel and Gretel people.

And I want to brag about your
score to that Judge Watkins.

Nothing like using your kids
to fight your battles for you.

I stood out in AP class
because unlike everyone else,

I was dumb.

I need you to read
The Theory of Atomic Physics,

Quantum Dynamics
and Worm Holes,

and Richard Feynman's
Quantum Electrodynamics:

The Strange Theory
of Light and Matter.

Which were all made
into Wayans Brother movies.

Then write a report
on each of them

presenting an alternate theory
to each central thesis.

This is a tough assignment

so I'll give you plenty of time.

You have until tomorrow.

While I dealt with my success,

Greg dealt with his failure.

Advanced Placement classes.

I can't understand how you
did so well on the test.

I studied for days
and still did horribly.

Greg, I cheated.

I had the answers.

Dude, why didn't you tell me?
I could have used them, too.

Don't you think
it'd look suspicious

if you and I ended up
with identical scores?

Plus, he would have panicked
and ratted me out.

Yeah, plus, I would have
panicked and ratted you out.

At least now I have a year
to study for the real SATs,

which I'm gonna
take legitimately.

So technically, this
really wasn't cheating.

With that kind of thinking,

I should have gone
into politics.

Dude, you're in the
AP class. What about that?

No problem. I won't
last in there a week.

How do you know?

Oh, I know.

While I wanted to be free

from AP class,
my father wanted a free TV.

Hi. How you doing?
Hey.

I'm here to pick up
a TV set I won.

Oh, okay, I just need
to see some ID

to make sure your
name's on the list.

Okay.

Those TVs are nice.

Yeah.

Oh, we got you.

Okay, Julius, just
sign right here.

Okay, great,
that's everything.
All right.

You're under arrest!

What? What am I
under arrest for?

30 unpaid parking
tickets from 1982!

Parking tickets?!

Yeah, maybe next time
you'll think twice

before you try and cheat New
York City out of a quarter!

Does this mean I don't
get the free TV?

Get him the hell
out of here!

Ow! Ow!

While my father
was thrown in jail,

I tried to get
thrown out of class.

Does anyone
have the answer?

Does your mama
have the answer?

Excuse me?

Don't excuse me.
Excuse your mama.

( laughing )

"Excuse your mama?"

Chris, what were
you thinking?

I don't know.

I guess I have to go back
to Thurman's class now.

No, I can get you
back into AP class,

but no more "your mama" jokes.

Obviously, you need a challenge.

So, I'm putting you on the
Academic Scholastathon Team.

Academic Scholasta-what?

Scholastathon!

It's a team competition where
students match their intellects

against students
from other schools.

I'm not sure
I'm right for this.

Are you kidding?

This will be like
intellectual basketball.

And you're our Dr. J!

I just hope I don't get hung
from the intellectual rim.

While I faced humiliation

with the Academic
Scholastathon Team,

my father faced
something worse:

my mother.

Parking tickets, Julius?

I'm trying to get us
into Hansel and Gretel

and now I got to
get you out of jail?

I paid those tickets
with one money order.

Look, I even have
the receipt right here.

We can straighten this out
when we get to court.

I don't understand why they
didn't get my money order.

( scoffs )
I'm damned if I ain't getting
time off for my wedding!

You want me to file
the money orders?!

I'll file the money
orders, Julius!

( explosion )

Back at school, even though I
seemed to keep failing upwards,

I was about to take
my whole team down.

Welcome to today's
Academic Scholastathon match

between Tattaglia High
and John Saxon High.

Today's questions will focus

on the subject
of Afro-American icons.

Our first question goes

to last week's champion.

"What famous Afro-American
basketball player

claims to have slept
with over 20,000 women?"

Sheryl Swoops?

We don't know.
( buzzer )

Tattaglia?

Wilt Chamberlain.

( bell dings )
Correct!

The teams were all white,

but unfortunately for them,
the questions were all black.

Shirley Chisholm.

( bell dings )
Correct!

Earl the Pearl Monroe.

( bell dings )
Correct.

Jimi Hendrix.

Correct!

Peaches and Herbs.
Huggy Bear.

Bugaloo Shrimp!

( cheering ):
Correct!
( bell dings )

With a perfect score
of 34 to nothing,

the match goes
to Tattaglia High!

( audience clapping )

My Academic Scholastathon
performance was pure luck.

Unfortunately, my mother
thought it was pure genius.

Chris, how come you
didn't tell me

your were on the Athletic
Scholastathon Team?

'Cause I didn't want
to jinx my match.

Well, you may not want
to brag, but I do.

Now, I got to tell everybody
to come to your next match.

She told my family,
our friends, our neighbors,

Kill Moves?!
Judge Watkins!

Yes, Judge Watkins,
you have to come see him...

Pretty much
everybody on Earth.

and even a few people
not on Earth.

MAN ( over headphones ):
Mission control,
there is a black woman

outside of the Space Station.

Hey! Come see my son
in the Academic Scholastathon!

He's really smart.

He gets it from me!

Everybody there
wanted to see me

in the Academic
Scholastathon except me.

WOMAN:
The questions today will be

on the conjugation
of Lithuanian verbs.

Oh, yes!

First question to the champions
of last week, Tattaglia.

What is the pluperfect
of the verb dirbit?

I don't know.
( buzzer )

Who doesn't know dirba?

Hiroshima High?

Dirba.

( bell dings )
Correct.

Let's try
another question.

After that, I came down
quicker than Milli Vanilli

after the lip sync scandal.

MODERATOR:
Tattaglia?

I don't know.

( buzzer blares )
Hiroshima?

Matea.

Tattaglia?

I don't know.
( buzzer )

Suprasti.
( bell dings )

I got nothing.

Pirkti.

CHRIS:
I don't know.

HIROSHIMA GIRL:
Atsibosti.

Wilt Chamberlain?

Zvimbti.

WOMAN:
Correct!

And that is the final question.

And the winner with a perfect
score of 34 to nothing:

Hiroshima High!

I hope this doesn't
hurt our chances

for getting into
Hansel and Gretel.

Oh, your chances aren't hurt.

Oh, thank God.

They're destroyed.

Decimated, obliterated,
annihilated.

Okay, okay! I get it.

Rochelle, your kid's an idiot.

You nearly had
me at the mixer.

I knew Chris was an idiot.

After decapitating
the Academic Scholastathon,

I was never
so happy to be sad.

You okay, baby?

Mom, I know how much you wanted
us to be in Hansel and Gretel.

So, I'm sorry I messed up.

Baby, if they think this
family's not good enough

to join their stupid club,
then forget them.

Bet they'd beg me to join now!

I'm proud of you.

Even though I lied and cheated?

Thanks, Mom.

Having my mother believe
in me when I was wrong

was one of the reasons that
I always wanted to do right.

Hey, did you ever get
those PSAT scores back?

Oh, um, I'll get them
to you tomorrow.

While I was planning
to settle my score,

my mother and father
had to settle a case.

Case 765443.

That's me.

All right, I see
you have a complaint

regarding a series
of unpaid parking tickets.

Oh, no, not you.

What-What are you,
following me around?

You think I
want to be here?

Say the wrong thing
and you'll get locked up

faster than a door with
Jehovah's Witnesses coming.

Just joking, witnesses.
We love you guys!

Uh, Your Honor, I have
a receipt that shows

I paid all the
tickets in question.

You may approach the bench.

Objection!
Rochelle!

What are you objecting to?

The way you
treated my family.

Listen, I am trying
to give you a break.

I suggest you
fix your attitude.

You're the one
with the attitude.

Let me tell you
something.

Just because you do
summer in the Vineyard,

and you go swimming
in the Inkpen,

and you play the violin
instead of the funky bass,

and you eat those, all those
stupid little finger foods,

does not make you better
than somebody. Okay?

My son is a good kid!

And my husband

is innocent!

So, you know what?

You can take your little
Hansel and Gretel

and you can
shove it up your...

Lady, you are out of order!

No! You're out of order!

You're out of order!

This whole trial
is out of order!

Get her out of here.

Get her out of here!

Attica!

I have the receipts.
Attica!

Get him, Julius!

Back home it appeared
that both jail

and the PSATs
were behind us.

She screamed at
the judge? Cool!

What happened after that?

The money I was going to
save by winning the case

I had to spend to bail
your mother out of jail.

Judge Watkins?

Oh, look what
we have here.

I cannot believe you even
showed your face here.

We ain't in court now.

And we don't
want to go back.

I just came to say I'm sorry.

What?

The goal at Hansel and Gretel

is to create a better life
for our children.

You and your husband

obviously care
about your kids.

And if you're interested,

I'd like to officially
invite you to join.

Chris?
Ms. Morello?

So, what, are you trying to skip
town before the heat comes down?

What are you talking about?

Let's just say this young man is
cracked, busted, and found out.

WATKINS:
Found out
about what?

There was a citywide
security breach.

Chris was one
of 1,400 students

to get a perfect
score on his PSATs.

Hold up, are you trying
to say that my son cheated?

I didn't say that.

But you were thinking it.

You know,
it's really not polite

to use your voodoo mind
tricks on white people.

So, your son
cheated on his test?

And the only reason
he got a perfect score

in the Academic
Scholastathon

is because the questions
were all about black people.

There's a competition with
questions about black people?

I'm sorry, but Chris,

you're back in your regular
classes as of next week, and...

Yeah, I know. Detention.

No, that would be too easy.

I'm making you stay on the
Academic Scholastathon Team.

As your punishment,

you can go on losing
along with them.

Well, I have to go
while I still have some hubcaps.

Too late!

And I don't know
who you are,

but I love a
black man in a suit.

Call me.

I know, obliterated,
decapitated, incarcerated.

Bye!

He's going to go
get adulterated!

Boy, I ought to
knock you into subspace.

Isn't that
kind of ridiculous?

MAN ( over headphones ):
Mission Control,

that stupid black kid is
outside of the Space Station.

Help me!

( upbeat theme playing )