Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 13 - Everybody Hates Fake IDs - full transcript

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---
( rapping ):
* ...as long as my bills
are paid, they know... *

CHRIS:
By 1987, everybody
in the country

had heard of rap music.

And most kids either
wanted to be a DJ...

* Said my woman
had it all arranged *

( record scratching )
...or an MC.

Throw your hands in the air!

Wave them like
you just don't care!

But then something happened
to change it all...

* Stick 'em,
ha-ha-ha, stick 'em *

...the Fat Boys,
featuring the Human Beatbox.



( beatboxing )

( crowd cheering )
* We're the mind-blowing,
body-rocking... *

( Chris beatboxing )

( inhales deeply )

( beatboxing )

Chris!

What the hell
are you doing?

Beatboxing. It's the new thing.

Buffy the Human Beatbox
from the Fat Boys is the best.

Best at what?

Spitting all
over everything?

He did say "spit," right?

Is it okay if I leave
a little early today?

The Fat Boys are coming to town,
and I want to get there early



before the tickets sell out.

Go on.

But you're wasting
your money.

I know a lady
that'll spit on you

for half the price
of what them tickets cost you.

Back then, you actually
had to leave your house

to buy concert tickets.

( beatboxing )

You're getting Fat
Boys tickets, too?

Nah, I'm just holding
this dude's place in line.

$1.50 an hour.

I'll hold your spot, too,
if you want.

Nah, that's okay.

I'll wait in line.

Uh, back of the line
is that way.

( comic theme playing )

Sold out? I've been waiting
in line for three hours.

Could've been worse;

could've been four.

Look, all I have left
is Hall and Oates tickets.

Do I look white?

What's the matter?
You look depressed.

I waited in line all day
yesterday for Fat Boys tickets,

and just when I made it
to the store, they sold out.

No problem.

I got tickets.

How?

( people groaning, grumbling )

Sold out?! But I've
been waiting in line

for Hall and Oates tickets
for three hours!

Hall and Oates
wouldn't wait three hours

for Hall and Oates tickets.

All we got left
is Fat Boys tickets.

Ah, what the heck,
I'll take two.

Wait, this is
for the 10:30 show.

So?

18 and over only.

How we supposed to get in?

Easy, just wait
three more years.

( funky hip-hop theme playing )

* Oh, make it funky now *

CHRIS:
I had two Fat Boys tickets.

Now I had to get
two skinny boys to pass for 18.

Look, I've been thinking.

All I have to do is
get out of the house,

then maybe we can find
a way to get into the show.

Well, my mother will be drunk
and passed out by about 7:00.

So getting out of the house
won't be a problem.

I could be on tour
with Van Halen,

and she wouldn't
even notice.

Years later, Greg actually

toured with Van Halen
for a year as a mike stand.

All right, that's good.

In terms of us going
to see The Fat Boys, yes.

But in truth, alcohol abuse
is nothing to laugh at.

And I'll be scarred forever
by my mother's tragic disease,

but please, continue.

All right, all I have
to do is get my mom

to say it's okay to spend
the night at your house

and that's half the battle.

Wait, what's
the other half?

Know anywhere we can
get some fake IDs?

Fake IDs?

Fake IDs.

When you were a
teenager, fake IDs

could open up a whole
new magical world.

* Shake it up,
shake it up, whoo *

* Shake that thing *

* I been working all week... *

Here you go, Mr. Testaverde.

And Mr. Sharpton, your ID.

* To find some mackin'... *

* But that don't thrill me *

* So I head to the Magic City
to get on, G *

* I don't dance,
don't need to start frontin' *

* I'm lookin' for a ...
that want to move something *

* Know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm talking... *

I got the tickets;
why do I have to get the IDs?

Because if you get busted
trying to get fake IDs,

you'll get community service.

If I get busted,
I'm two jail cells down

from that guy who shot Reagan.

Meanwhile,
I wasn't the only one

having problems
with my date of birth.

Remember, I don't want
a party for my birthday.

Don't worry.
You're not having a party.

That's what the Democrats
said to Hillary.

Hey, Ma, can I
sleep over at Greg's

on Saturday night?
No.

You can't go.

I'm having a surprise party

for your father
on Saturday night,

and I need you to be here.

But Dad's birthday's
not till Sunday.

That's why it's called
a surprise party

and not a
predictable party.

I thought Dad didn't
even like parties.

Boy, you have no idea
what your life would be like

if I paid attention
to what your father liked.

And neither does he.

So here's what
I'm going to do.

While my mother
made birthday plans,

Drew made plans
to see birthday suits.

Wow.

Drew was trying
to get something

every young boy wanted.

X-ray glasses.

Cool.

I'm waiting for them to come
out with X-ray contact lenses.

Back at school,
I was more depressed

than the Fat Boys
at a finger sandwich party.

My dad's surprise party
is Saturday night,

and I don't know
how I'm gonna do that

and see the
Fat Boys, too.

So, surprise him.

Don't be there.

Look, I did my part.

I can't get you
out of the house, too.

You got the IDs?

Is Janet Jackson in control?

Yes, but Michael isn't.

Let me guess, I'm Mr. T,
and you're George Peppard?

Dude, they're free.

What do you expect?

See what you
can do with this.

I'm gonna work on
getting out the house.

Since I couldn't make it
to the club

and to my father's party, I had
to make sure one didn't happen.

And I didn't need tickets
to see my father.

Hey, Dad.

What's up?

I feel real horrible
about telling you this.

No, you don't.

You know how you didn't want
to celebrate your birthday?

Mom's planning a
surprise party for you.

What?!

I told her
I didn't want a party.

What, you mean
women don't listen?

I know.

She's gonna take you out
to go get some food,

then when you get back,
everybody's gonna be here.

Chris, I know
it's hard for you

to betray your mother's
trust, but I'm glad you did.

And if she finds out, you can
regain her trust for free,

but paying off a party
is gonna be expensive.

Think she'll find out?

I'll make sure she doesn't.

ROCHELLE:
Mmm!

Smells good.

Is that Benny's Tacos?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

I haven't been there in ages.

You know what?

Since you don't want to
have a birthday party,

maybe we could go
there on Saturday.

You know, it's not
that expensive,

and Chris can watch the kids.

Honey, I know what
you're trying to do.

I told you I don't want a party.

How did you know
I was throwing you a party?

Did Chris tell you?

No.

I'm not stupid, honey.

And I appreciate you
wanting to celebrate with me,

but I don't want a party.

Well, if you don't want
to have a birthday party,

what do I do when
my birthday comes around

and I want to have a party?

So this is all
so you can have a party?

Exactly.

It's my birthday.

What are we doing for me?

Ironically, making you wish
you were never born.

Julius, don't even try
to turn this around.

If you don't want me
to have a party,

just come out and say it!

I didn't say I didn't want
you to have a party.

It's not what you're saying,
but that's what you're saying.

You know what?

Fine, Julius.

Do what you want.

Happy birthday!

You can go to Greg's
on Saturday.

What about Dad's party?

We're not having it.

Why not?

'Cause your
father's a jerk.

The bad news is my parents
could get divorced.

But the good news is
I get to see the Fat Boys.

( rap theme playing )

CHRIS:
Since I had handled
my part of the plan,

now everything was up to Greg.

I'm all set on my end.

Did you have any luck
with the fake IDs?

Does Boy George have luck
with women's clothing?

Hey, these actually
look like us.
Yeah, I know.

They are actually two
guys from Guatemala.

You know, maybe
we should take these

for a test drive
before the show.

Oh, here's your change.

Change as well?

You go.

( screams )

You know what?

I think I know
who we can talk to.

Fake ID?

Why would I know anything
about where to get a fake ID?

Because you operate on
the fringes of the law.

Hey, man, just because
somebody's name is Risky,

and they operate
on the fringes of the law,

does not mean
they break the law.

Yes, it does.

JAMES:
Yeah, man.

Using fake IDs could get
y'all in serious trouble.

If I wasn't underage,

who knows where I'd be now?

So do you or don't you?

Oh, hey, man, I think
I see Run-DMC outside!

I don't see anybody.

Well, maybe you should
go out there

and make sure it wasn't them.

Make sure who wasn't them?

Man, would you
just go outside

so he can tell you
where to get the ID?

Man, you slow.

Forget it.
Forget it.

Go to this address,

and tell them you want
a passport photo.

Passport photo?

That's code for "fake ID."

Y'all slow.

While I was trying
to break the law,

my father was trying
to break the silence.

So, how was your day?

Rochelle, this is childish.

Can you please
tell your father

that I have nothing
to say to him.

Mama said she has
nothing to say to you.

Fine. Throw me a party.

Oh!

So now all of a sudden
you want to have a party.

Well, it's too late.

You just can't blow
some balloons up,

set a cake on fire

and start hollering.

You have to plan
for a party.

I mean, I have
to send out invitations,

write out a guest list,

make present
suggestions.

Oh, no, no, you are not
putting me through all that.

Nuh-uh. The next time
you want to have a party,

you need to say something
ahead of time

instead of always waiting
till the last minute!

TONYA:
Mama said,

"Oh!
( chuckles )

"So now all of a sudden
you want to have a party.

"Well, it's too late.

"You can't just blow up
some balloons,

"set a cake on fire,
and start hollering.

"You have to plan
for a party.

"You have to invite
the people.

"You have to invite the family
from out of town.

"You have to get the cake.
You have to get the ice cream.

You have to get toys for
the little kids to play with..."

Since it's against the law
to choke children on film,

we're gonna go
to the next scene.

"No, you have to plan for it!"

Meanwhile, Drew got
a special delivery

from the see-through
women's clothing fairy.

Cool.

Oh, dang!

Excuse me.

I know this may
sound weird,

but do you by
chance have two sets

of the exact
same clothes on?

Yes.

But what does that
have to do with anything?

( chuckles ):
Oh, nothing.

Just asking.

( exhales )

A few blocks away,
me and Greg were hoping

nobody could see through us.

This is it.

"Ticket services,
check cashing,

"bail bondsman,

loans, piano lessons."

Piano lessons?
Piano lessons?

"Passport photos."

Little dude
from across the street,

can I help you?

Wait, you work here?
Yeah. Why?

Why didn't you say something
when we were at the barbershop?

Look here, little dude
from across the street's friend

from across town, I don't know
what you're talking about.

Look, Jerome, we just
need some passport photos.

You're not cops, are you?

Why? Is it illegal for cops
to have passport photos?

No. But if you knew passport
photos meant something else

and you were trying to trick me,
I'd have to ask if you a cop,

because legally,
you have to say yes,

and then I wouldn't
give you one.

Contrary to popular belief,

you needed to be educated
if you wanted to drop out

and become a criminal.
We're not cops.

You could be undercover.

Do we look like
21 Jump Street?

Look, it could be
a sting operation.

We're not cops.
We're not cops.

Cool. Let me buzz my man.

Money!

I understand you boys
want to leave the country.

Uncle Ryan?

I hope he's not a cop.

When I set out
to look for fake IDs

I didn't expect to find
my real uncle.

You sell fake IDs?

What are you
talking about?

You're the one
trying to buy it.

Does my father
know you do this?

No.

Does your mom know
you're doing this?

No. You're not gonna
tell her, are you?

And ruin my good business?

I don't think so.

You're not
gonna tell?

No, I'm no snitch.

We just want to go
see the Fat Boys.

Oh. I love those guys.

( beatboxing )

* All you can eat... *

( beatboxing )

( grunting rhythmically )

So, when can we get 'em?
And how much
is it gonna cost?

Well, that depends.

When it comes to delivery,
you have three separate options.

You can get 'em fast
and cheap, but not good;

you can get 'em good
and cheap, but not fast;

or you can get 'em fast
and good, but not cheap.

Well, the concert's tomorrow,
so how much is the last option?

25 bucks.

Each.

( exhales )
Well, it is the Fat Boys.

Wait.

You really want a fake ID
to go the Fat Boys concert?

Yeah.

You're not gonna try
to get liquor or cigarettes

or go see X-rated movies?

Not until you mentioned it.
No.

You'll have 'em tomorrow.

( camera shutter clicks )

Drew's X-ray glasses
didn't work,

so he had his eye on a refund.

Uh, "ticket services,
check cashing..."

Lemonade?

Not "lemonade."
"Laminated."

It means "covered in plastic."

I want you to get
these laminated,

so they look like
the real thing.

When it's done,
take 'em to Chris.

Cool.
All right?

What's up, Drew?
Hey, what's up, Jerome?

Hey.

What are you doing here, man?

I'm looking
for Vision Ray Specs, Inc.

I bought a pair
of X-ray glasses,

but the things don't even work.

I'm getting
my money back.

Ah, sorry about that.

You're Vision Ray Specs, Inc?

Yep. Look, I can get
you something else.

Uh, whoopee cushion,
joy buzzers,

sea monkeys, black gum.

Nah, that's okay.
I just want my money.

Drew couldn't see
through his hand,

but he could see
through Ryan's BS.

Here.

I'll give you half.
What's this?

That's 50 cents.
Glasses cost a dollar.

I spent five dollars
on shipping and handling.

That's six.
You owe me three.

Whoa, whoa,
give me my 50 cents back.

That's what 50's girlfriend
said to Vivica Fox.

Now that I had my fake ID,

I was ready to have
some real fun.

Okay, Chris,
you know the rules.

You go directly
to Greg's house,

you stay at Greg's house,

and tomorrow, you
come directly home.

Right.

TONYA:
And remember,

if you do anything
you shouldn't do,

it'll be like sticking a knife
in your mother's back.

( door opens )

What she said.

Hey, honey.

You look nice.

What's for dinner tonight?

I don't know, baby.
Ask your daddy.

I'm hanging out
with Vanessa tonight,

since he doesn't
want to have a party.

Daddy, Mommy told me
to ask you what's for dinner.

Big bucket of fried crow.

( dance theme playing )

Dude, we are so in there.

I hope so. You
got yours memorized?

Yeah. Paul Stanley,
June 6, 1968.

What about you?
Gene Simmons,
April 4, 1968.

Whoa! IDs, please.

Gene Simmons,

April 4, 1968.

Isn't that the day they
assassinated Dr. King?

I didn't have nothing
to do with it.

Mm-hmm. And,
Paul Stanley,

your birthday is
June 6, 1968--

the same day Robert
Kennedy was assassinated.

And here you two
are together.

What are the odds
of that happening?

About the same
as you being dumb enough

to believe any answer
we give you.

It's crazy.
( laughs )

It is, ain't it?

Go ahead. Have
a good time.

Ah, yeah.

Hey, Paul, Gene...

don't get shot.

( fake laughing )

Of all the things
I did expect to see

when I went into
an adult nightclub,

there was one thing
I didn't expect:

a bunch of kids.

Hey, if it isn't
Bosco and Milk.

Caruso?
You like the Fat Boys?

I'm not Caruso, idiot.

In here, I'm H. Rap Brown.

You think I'd miss
the Human Beatbox?

She's, like,
a hip-hop Bobby McFerrin.

Who?

Dude, like, half
our class is in here.

Hey, you guys
want some drinks?

James?

Hey, man, I'm not James.
I'm Tom Cruise.

What are you guys having?

Uh, two iced teas.

Need to see some ID.

ANNOUNCER:
Brooklyn, give it up

for Prince Markie Dee,

Kool Rock-Ski and...

Buffy the Human Beatbox!

All right, everybody,
up against the wall!

Show's over!

You're not taking me!

( chattering )

What's the problem?

The problem is,
everybody in here is two.

You got a major
fake ID problem.

MANAGER:
I don't know what
you're talking about.

Yeah, neither
does Larry Bird here.

Let's get all these
fake IDs out! Now!

Hey, Vito, you gonna let him
do me like this, man?

Come on, man!

Hey, man! You don't
know me like that.

Come on. I'm from Brooklyn!

Whatever happened
to Hall and Oates?

Back at home, my plans
had gone up in smoke.

But my father was about
to put me back in the mix.

Hey, Ma.
Hi, baby!

How was your night?
It was cool.
How was yours?

Ask him.

Chris, I need your help.

Sure. What do you need?

I've got something
I need to do.

Look, I need you to take
your mother to lunch.

Here's some money.
Here you go.

Whoa, this is serious.

I'll be back about 2:00.

I don't know
what's more surprising:

my mother giving my father
the cold shoulder,

or my father giving me
cold cash.

ALL:
Surprise!

Happy birthday to me!

( laughs )

Who are all these people?

JULIUS:
The only people I
could find for the party.

Oh, baby!

Mwah! Ooh!

Blow out the candles before
you set the house on fire.

( laughs ):
Yay!

( knocking on door )

Oh, I'll get it.

Ma'am, we confiscated

an ID in a raid at
a nightclub last night

that belongs to someone
who lives at this address.

An ID?
Yes.

It was being used
by kids who were there

in a failed attempt
to see the Fat Boys.

As a community service,

I am returning it
to its rightful owner.

Well, what's the
name on the ID?

Gene Simmons.

Because Ace Frehley
would've sounded ridiculous.

( exhales )

Ah, yeah, that
Gene Simmons, yeah.

I do recognize him.

Come tomorrow, nobody
will be able to recognize him.

Thank you.

Gene!

* Everybody hates *

* Gene *

( upbeat theme playing )