Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 12 - Everybody Hates Varsity Jackets - full transcript

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MAN:
Hi, there.

CHRIS:
In professional sports,

the best athletes
get a sneaker contract.

Are those Air Jordans?

Yeah. My dad got
them for me last year.

Oh, that's so cool.

He's, like, the best
guy in the NBA.

As cool as it was having
Jordan sneakers,

it was nowhere near as cool
as having a varsity letter.

CHRIS:
Man, I would set
these sneakers on fire

and eat them
for a varsity letter.



That's how David Blaine
got his.

I'd get respect.

Good morning, sir.
Here are your books.

What time would you like
to smack the crap out of me?

2:30.
Thank you, sir.

I'd get perks.

Chris,

you're excused from
all of your classes.

Professor Lee will be
taking them for you.

Is he smart?

Chris, he's Asian.

(gong sounds)

If you could turn
his smart into black,

he'd be darker than Yaphet Kotto
in a pot of chocolate.



Cool.

If Yaphet Kotto fell

into your pot of chocolate,
how would you know?

And I'd get the only thing
I really cared about: girls.

GIRLS:
Good morning, Chris.

Good morning, angels.

(girls giggling)

Watch it, Jabbar.

Oh, man, he scuffed your shoe.

I don't care
about this shoe.

I want to get one
of them letters.

And the letter's gonna get me
one of those girls.

* Ah, make it funky now. *

CHRIS:
Wanting a letter was one thing,

figuring out how to get
it was a whole other story.

How am I supposed
to get a letter in a sport

when I'm terrible
at sports?

Maybe there's something
a guy like you would be good at.

I need a sport
without water,

balls, hoops, hurdles,
bats, cleats, clubs, gloves,

tracks, fields,
weights or boards.

Isn't that cheerleading?

How about wrestling?

I can't wrestle.
Anybody can wrestle.

It's just two
guys on a mat

trying to throw
each other down.

Or as they call
it in Chelsea, "Wednesday."

No way. I'll get killed.

I only weigh 112 pounds.

They got weight classes.

You only have to fight
people your size.

If you can't beat a guy
who weighs 112 pounds,

you don't deserve that letter.

* The B to the R
Double-O, K, Lyn *

* Comin' straight from Brooklyn
You know that I'm-a win *

* The B to the R
Double-O, K, Lyn *

* The B to the R, Double-O
K, Lyn... *

I can do that.

Do what?

Make a video
for Video Turntable.

You can't sing.

I'm not gonna sing.

I'm gonna be the producer,

like Hurby Luv Bug
with Salt-N-Pepa.

How you gonna do that?

Yo, welcome back.

Hey! Want to get your video
played on Video Turntable?

Send it in and get paid.

The more it gets played,

the more you gets paid.

Yo. Section Eight. Hit me.

* In-In-novator *

* In-novator
In-in-ovator... *

See? I told you.

I'm gonna put together
a girl group,

make a video
and get it on TV.

It'll be cool.

* I'm the Arabian Prince
And the crew is the Sheiks *

* We are here
To move your feet *

Can I be in it?
No.

* To rock the population
Give you no compensation... *

CHRIS:
While Tonya tried to get
into Drew's group,

my mother tried to get
into a pair of jeans.

(grunts)

Dang it!

(gasping)

She sweated less
during childbirth.

That's it.

I'm going on a diet.

While my mother

was struggling
to put on her jeans,

I was struggling
to put on a brave face.

(grunts)

(groaning)

(wrestlers grunt and groan)

(whistle blows)

Nice job.

Next.

What do you weigh?

One-twelve.

We got nobody
in your weight class.

Guess I'll just leave, then.

Don't be an idiot.

You weighed in at 112.

You'll wrestle 113.

Got nobody in your
weight class?

You're automatically
on the varsity.

The first time in my life

being a skinny nerd
worked in my favor.

Meanwhile, Drew found
a place to rehearse

with a man who drove a hearse.

So I just need to rent
your place for rehearsals.

Huh. So you won't be videotaping
anything untoward, will you?

I don't know
what that means.

It means: lewd, nude, crude,

lascivious, naked,

nasty.

In that case, no.

Okay, then, pay me
half in advance.

Oh. Nice doing business
with you, Drew.

(hip-hop beat playing)
* Uh, uh *

* Uh *

* Uh *

Next!

* Zzp, zzp, zzp, zzp *

* Hee-he-he-he-how
Hee-he-he-he-he-he-how *

* Hee-he-he-he-how *

* Hee-he-he-he-he-he-how *

* Hee-he-he-he-how
Hee-he-he-he-he-he-how *

* Hee-he-he-he-how *
Next.

* Hee-he-he-he-how *

Aren't you gonna do something?

Why don't you do something?

Because I'm the one
auditioning you.

No one talk to Princess Latifah
like that!

Next!

(hip-hop beat playing)

(music stops)

That was cool.

So, what's the name
of your group?

It's gonna be called
Fish and Chips.

So you guys in?

Yeah!
Yeah!

Cool.

While Drew was taking

his first steps
towards the charts,

I was taking my first steps
on the mat.

Chris, since this is your
first day on the mat,

I'm gonna walk you
through some moves.

You watch wrestling on TV?

All the time.

Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant,
the Iron Sheik.

I love all those guys.

Well, that's too bad,
because all that crap is fake.

Oh. Well, what's first?

(groans)

This is a cross-face.

(yelps)

This is a neck scissors.

This is a half nelson.

This is the full nelson.

Thisis a Ricky Nelson.

That's a joke--
Ricky Nelson.

See, I said half,
full, then Ricky.

You like that?

Hilarious.

Back at home,
I found out

when the woman of the house
goes on a diet,

everybody in the house
goes on a diet.

Okay, everybody,

dinner is served.

No, it ain't.
What is this?

It's the Nipsey Russell
Bermudian Diet.

Why are we
on a diet?

Because weput our jeans on
and they won't button.

How come wecan't eat
because yourjeans don't fit?

Yeah, why don't you just
buy a bigger pair of jeans?

Because. Nobody asked you.

Nipsey Russell ain't fat.

What's he know about diets?
Oh, when he went

to Bermuda to do a comedy show,

he found that the women
were very attractive.

Because they were the only
ones on the island.

They stay slim by only
eating fish and fruits.

So he decided to smash it up
and put it in a glass?

Yes.

I'd rather eat the glass.

Well, I hope he took out
the seeds and the bones.

Look, unless you guys want me
to end up being fat,

can you at least try it?

Well, I guess I
do need to keep

my weight down--
I made the wrestling team.

My man.

You gonna be
the next Iron Sheik.

See, Nipsey can help you.

TONYA:
Well, me and Drew
are making a video.

I guess I should
watch my weight too.

I heard the camera
adds ten pounds.

Only if you eat them first.

You're not in the group.

I will be.

While my dad drank up,
I prepared to get beat up.

COACH:
Look for it.
Look for it.

Look, he's giving it to you.

Work it, work it.

Look for the leg.

Don't lock up!

REFEREE:
Two points red.

(bones crunching,
wrestler shrieking)

Yeah!

(crowd jeering)

Get him. Get him off.

I joined the wrestling team so
I could get a varsity letter,

but now I was afraid
I would get three of them:DOA.

Smart bastard.

He used a Manhattan Neck Snap.

They just legalized it.

You didn't mention
I could get my neck snapped.

We had a lot to go over.

That might be something
you want to mention.

Look, you want
to get your letter?

Get out on that mat. Now.

(crowd shouting encouragement)

The Tessio Tigers
do not have a wrestler

to compete in this weight class,

and therefore,
the Tattaglia Sleeping Fish

win by default.

(cheering)

Look at you, with your win
by forfeit, huh?

You're one step closer
to that letter.

I'm just glad
my neck still works.

Back at school, the Black
Plague was killing them.

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering continues)

While I was
on top of the world,

Tonya was just trying
to get put on.

Have you found
a third member yet?

No, not yet, but I will soon.

See ya tomorrow.

See ya.

See ya.

* So all you fly mothers *

* Get on out there and dance *

* Dance, I said *

* Salt-N-Pepa's here
And we're in effect *

* Want you to push it, babe *

* Coolin' by day, then at night
Working up a sweat *

* Come on, girls
Let's go show the guys *

* That we know
How to become number one *

* In a hot party show *

* Now, push it *

* Push it *

* Push it good *

* Push it *

* Push it real good *

* Ah, push it *

* Push it good *

(turns off music)

Whoa.

When did you learn
how to do that?

It doesn't matter.

Now, am I in the group or not?

Yeah.

All right, then.

While Tonya had made the group,

my mother was making
more shakes.

I made extra in case
anybody wants seconds.

Nobody wanted firsts.

Hey, Chris, how's it going
on the wrestling team?

Oh, I'm undefeated.
They call me the Black Plague.

Isn't that an insult?

Well, I'm just glad
you're winning.

You don't want to know
the things they called

Jackie Robinson.

If you really want to know,

ask Michael Richards
or Don Imus.

You know, these shakes
would be really good

with a burger and some fries.

Can we get some real food?

Yeah. I'm hungry.
Me too.

Look, why don't

we all just give
this diet a chance?

I think it's pretty good,
actually.

My father didn't
really like the shakes.

He just found out
it was cheaper than groceries.

And, you know,
since we've been on this diet,

I've saved over $50
in groceries.

Told you.

While I was waiting
on my letter,

Drew was handing his out.

So these are your costumes.

TONYA:
I don't like these.

What's wrong with what I had on?

It'll look better on TV.

Tonya, just wear
what I gave you.

Okay, we have rehearsals
every day at 3:00.

I'm not rehearsing at 3:00.

That's when I watch
my game shows.

Let's do it at 4:00.

Is that cool with y'all?

Yeah.
Works for me.

Later, it turned out
everybody in the house

was on a diet
when they were together.

When they were apart,
it was a different story.

My mother atefries...

Tonya ate slices...

Drew ate doughnuts...

And I ate it all.

What's all this for?

Something to show
our appreciation

for representing
our school so well.

And if you
get a letter,

there's more where
that came from.

BOTH:
A lot more.

Unfortunately, they were
still talking about cookies.

The only one who was drinking

instead of eating
was my father.

This stuff is pretty good.

Y'all want some more?
ALL: No.

No. That's all right.
I gotta go

clip my toenails.

More for me.

While my father
was pounding shakes,

I was pounding cake.

Chris, get on the scale.

Hold this.

One-fourteen.

You're going to have
to wrestle a class up today.

How did that happen?

What did you expect?

You ate a couple
pieces of pound cake,

so you gained
a couple of pounds.

Anyways, I gotta go
to drama club.

Be careful
out there, man.

I'm not worried about it.

What difference
could a pound make?

None, unless I had
to fight somebody.

(whistle blows)

(grunting)

Ow.

Not even Don King could
have fixed that match.

Unfortunately for me,
they found a cure

for the Black Plague:
a good ass whooping.

Hey, Coach.

Yeah, I've been meaning
to talk to you about that.

I'm not your coach anymore.

What?

Yeah, look,
you had a good run,

but you're off the team.

How am I off the team?

I was undefeated.

Look, at 113,
you were 7-0,

but you gained weight,
you went up a class.

You're 0-1.

I'm sorry there, Plague.

Reign of terror is done.

Do I still get my
varsity letter?

Look, you showed up
for practice,

you put in the time,
and you won by forfeit.

I can't penalize you for that,

but when you actually
had to compete

against somebody, you lost.

Now, I could give you a letter,

but it would be
an L for "loser."

Maybe next time.
(hisses in pain)

Let's go.

Hey.

(both girls groan)

Oh, Chris.

What were you thinking,
getting out on that mat?

I was trying to get
a varsity letter.

Well, you didn't need
to go out there

and let those boys
go upside your head for that.

There are other ways
to get a letter.

Like what?

You could audition
for the drama club.

You can get a letter
for being an actor?
Sure.

I bet you'd be a natural,
like Jim Kelly, Jim Brown,

Blackula, O.J. Simpson.

Your people have a natural
facility for deception.

Why not use it
to your advantage?

Because I'm too busy
robbing people,

dealing drugs
and making babies.

While I was thinking about
acting, Tonya was acting out.

* Baby, baby *

* Ooh, baby, baby *

All right,
that was pretty good.

It was sloppy.

Let's take it from the top.
No, Tonya, it was fine.

Do you want fine
or spectacular?

All right,
let's take it from the top.

Thank you.

("Push it" by Salt-N-Pepa
playing)

* Push it... *

And five, six,
seven, eight.

You're eating
a Slopper?

You want a bite?

So I've been spending
money on shakes

while you've been
wasting money on food?

Only my father would think food
was a waste of money.

ALL:
Yes.

I work two jobs, and you
let me leave the house

with nothing on my stomach

but a fish juice shake?

Not cool, unless your
husband's a shark.

If this is how you do when
you're trying to get skinny,

I'd rather have you fat.

That's what Kirstie Alley's
man said to her.

Chris, I'm so glad
you decided to audition.

I need a letter.

So, what have you prepared
for us, Chris?

I would like to do a selection
from Uncle Ben's Cabin.

You mean Uncle Tom's Cabin?
No.

Uncle Ben's.
It's a lesser known work

by Mark Twain's
cousin, Dwayne.

Dwayne Twain?

Yes.
Go ahead.

Rice, rice, rice.

You think all I
knows is rice?

I was there when
George Washington Carver

shucked that
first peanut.

I make yams and corn and cotton,

but all America wants
is them little grains of rice.

I gives

and I gives,

till I can't gives no more.

Still I rise.

Oh, Chris, I have just the part
for you in our next production.

At the video shoot, Tonya
was ready for her close-up.

Look, Tonya, for the sake
of art and commerce,

let's just get along, okay?

Honey, it's showtime.

Roll the tape.

Start the camera.

("Push It" playing)

* Ooh, baby, baby *

* Baby, baby *

* Ooh, baby, baby *

* B-baby, baby... *

I'm still mad.

Does that make
it better?

A little.

How about that?

Mm. That's pretty good.

How about that?

Why was I mad again?

(chuckling)

While my parents were
making up, I was acting out.

Oh, Abe,

this is a wonderful play.

I think you're
going to like it.

(gun popping)

(cheering, applause)

Yo, keep sending in those
videos, but remember,

your song has to be original
to be aired.

Keep watching Video Turntable.

Well, thanks
for the rehearsal space.

Yeah, too bad it didn't pay off,

but any idiot knows

you're supposed to sing
your own songs.

That's okay.

You guys will figure out
something better next time.

Yeah, well, good luck.

There won't be a next
time with me.

I'm taking the other girls

and we're starting
our own group.

Called TMA: Too Much Attitude.

Ooh.

Bam!

(chuckling)

Ma, why are you
wearing my jeans?

These are my jeans.

No, they're not.

They're my ten dollar
lucky jeans.

I always keep ten dollars
in the right front pocket.

You mean I've been
killing myself

to get into a boy's
pair of pants?

You and Michael Jackson.

That was--

$98.45 worth of wasted shakes.

It's not a total waste.

(smacks)

Baby, give me a biscuit.

You're a terrible
producer.

The next day at school,

my quest for a varsity letter
finally came to an end.

What's this?

It's your letter.

This is a letter.

Exactly.

It's a letter welcoming you
into the Varsity Drama Club.

If only I could letter
in choking the principal out.

* Everybody hates Chris *

* Ah, make it funky now *