Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009): Season 4, Episode 11 - Everybody Hates Mr. Levine - full transcript

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* All aboard,
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha... *

CHRIS:
In every city, people have
disasters they need to survive.

In Miami,
they have hurricanes,

in San Francisco,
they have earthquakes,

and in New York,
we had blackouts.

You never knew when one
was going to happen

and you didn't want to be
on the street when it did.

(indistinct shouting)

(gunfire)

(glass shattering)

* Crazy... *



WOMAN: Look out!
* But that's how it goes... *

(tires screech, car crashes)

Hey, Chris.

I can't believe this.

There's rioting, looting.

People are
getting killed.

I know, it's tragic.

Tragic?
It's great.

Stay up.

(tires screeching, gunfire)

(yells)

Oh!

Help, let me in,
there's a blackout.

WOMAN:
Go away, get out of here!



Next to "We're
the Jehovah's Witnesses,

can we have a minute
of your time,"

"Let me in, there's a blackout"
is the only guarantee

somebody will not open a door.

(knocking)

Help!

(grunts)

* I'm goin' off the rails... *

(gun cocks)
MAN: Hey.

Don't you move a muscle.

I survived
the blackout outside,

now I needed to survive
the next worst thing:

a white man inside.

( funky hip-hop theme playing )

* Ah, make it funky now. *

CHRIS:
There's always one white person
left in a black neighborhood

after all the other ones leave.

Maybe he was going
to tell the others

when it was safe to come back.

All right,
put your hands down.

I'm sorry, I wasn't trying
to break into your house.

The door was open, I was just
trying to get off the street.

Don't you know better than
to be outside in a blackout?

You don't remember what
happened here in 1977?

You've been around
here that long?

Lived here all my life.

Sixty years.

Wow, you're probably
like the last white guy

in the neighborhood.

Probably am.
Did a lot of white people

used to live around here?
"A lot" of white people?

It wasallwhite people.

It was a whiteout.

It was great.
The men were polite.

Allow me, madam.

Oh, thank you, sir.

When's the last time
you seen a guy do that?

When's the last time
you saw somebody do that?

You got milk delivered

to your houses?

LEVINE:
Cereal too.

Somebody would come
by and drink the milk

out of the bowl
when you were done.

It couldn't have
been all great.

We had crime,

but the criminals
were nice.

Excuse me, sir, but may I
bother you for your wallet?

Why, of course.

Wow.

So when did
it all change?

When Willie Harris
moved in.

(screaming)

After that,
I didn't go out much.

Just wasn't the same.

They replaced the crackers
with crack.

NEWSCASTER (over radio):
This is the worst blackout

since 1977.

When asked to describe it,
one New Yorker said,

"It looked black out,"

while another said, "It was
like the opposite of day."

Well, better get home.

All right, well, first turn
your pockets inside out.

You think I stole something?

No, I'm just a freaky old man

likes to see the inside
of pockets.

Yeah, I think you
stole something.

You've been watching me
the whole time.

With a gun.

Look, I don't know
how Houdini did it

and I don't know
how you do it.

(sighs)

You know, everybody around
here isn't a criminal.

If you talked to more people,
you'd know that.

All I need to know is that you
didn't take any of my stuff.

Now, beat it, and don't tell
nobody you were down here.

Back at home, everybody
was talking except me.

All the lights went out and then
these guys came in Doc's

and Doc said they could loot,
but they were gonna do it

with a bullet in their behind--
And then they left.

It was so cool.
TONYA: We came from Nessa's

and this crazy guy
just snatched Mom's purse.

That's $56.43 worth
of purse snatching.

Yes, honey, I'm fine.

Anyway, now I
got to go down

to the DMV
to get my license replaced.

Where were you, Chris?

With the Grand Wizard
of Bed-Stuy.

I was, um,
hiding under a car.

I got this.

TONYA:
Where were you, Daddy?

I was asleep.

You slept through the worst
blackout in ten years?

What's the difference?

I wouldn't have seen
it if I was awake

and I couldn't
see it in my sleep.

Oh, well, since you
got so much sleep,

you go get dinner.

Sit down, kids.

While I was getting over
the blackout,

Greg was trying to stand out.

Hey, Chris and Greg.

Hey, Maria.

Did you see that?

See what?

Watch this.

Hi, Chris and Greg.

She said hi.
So what?

No, she said,
"Hi, Chris and Greg."

You were nowhere near me.

I've got no identity.

I'm sick of it.

I'm not Greg,
I'm Chris-and-Greg.

I'm just a sidekick.

You're not a sidekick.

That's what Batman told Robin.

Yeah, you're right.

Sidekicks have their
own identities.

Tonto, Hutch,
Watson, Robin, Kato,

Tattoo, Chong,
Poncho, 99, Tubbs.

I don't want to be Chris-and-
Greg for the rest of my life.

Governor Chris-and-Greg
was arrested today

on prostitution
and racketeering charges.

Governor Chris-and-Greg
was elected two years ago

on a law and order platform,

and now
Governor Chris-and-Greg

faces up to three
years in prison.

Why is it Chris
and Greg anyways?

Why isn't it Greg and Chris?

Because it's not your show.

While being a sidekick
was getting old,

my mother was feeling young.

* 'Cause I love you
Square biz *

What's going on with you?

Translation:
"Have you been drinking?"

Well, before I got
my new driver's license,

I had to get a copy
of my birth certificate.

Come to find out

I am one year younger
than what I thought I was,

so I'm happy.

So how come you're just
finding out how old you are?

Well, that's what I had
to ask my mother.

Are you sure
she's your mother?

because, technically, you were
born a year after she had you.

Yeah, she's my mother.

Oh, see, she had to get me
into kindergarten early,

so she lied about my age
and forgot to tell me.

Congratulations.

I'm so happy for you.

Thank you, baby.

I'm so young.

(laughs)

* I'm talkin' square biz
To you, baby... *

Come on, come on,
sing it with me, baby.

* Square biz! *

CHRIS:
Since Mr. Levine did me a favor
when the lights went out,

I thought I'd do him a favor
after they were back on.

What do you want?

Well, I know you don't
get out much,

so I thought
maybe we could take a walk.

I could introduce you
to some of the people.

What are you, a Good Samaritan?
In Brooklyn,

being nice
only aroused suspicion.

Come on, you can see how some
of the things have changed.

I don't just go out whenever,
I have my routine.

I get my groceries
in the morning,

I get my walk in before
the hooligans come out,

I'm back before the judge
show comes on.

My nap, lunch.

President Bush had
that same routine.

Look, it'll only
be for a little while.

It'll be fun.

All right, fine,

to get you off my back,
we'll do it tomorrow.

You know,
I don't know your name.

Levine, Stan Levine.

I'm Chris.
All right.

Hey, hey, turn your
pockets inside out.

I didn't even come in.

Inside out, Houdini,
you could have my mail.

While I emptied my pockets,

my mother went
to empty my father's pockets.

You going to work
like that?

I'm not going to work.

I'm going shopping.

Shopping?

Julius, all I got
is old lady clothes.

I got to get me some
new, young stuff.

I got to get some new,
young money.

Out on the street,
we took a slow stroll

while I brought
Mr. Levine up to speed.

Used to be an ice cream
stand there.

Oh, that's where
they sell crack now.

DEALER:
This is the good stuff;
gonna cost you more.

All right.
Got it all here?

That's where Jerry and Becky
Rosenthal got married.

Yeah, that's where Petey Pete
got Tisha-T pregnant.

That's where Jacob Cohen
got shot 30 years ago.

Oh, that's where that guy
is about to get shot right now.

Eat lead!
Okay.

Hey, everybody.
MONK: Hey, what's up, Chris?

Man, who's this?

Oh, this is Mr. Levine.

Mr. Levine,
this is Kill Moves.

How you doing, Mr. Levine?
And Monk.

You bring me out of the house
to meet a roomful of shvartzers?

Okay, didn't expect him
to say that.

Mr. Levine learned to talk

before language became
politically correct,

so now he had to deal
with SWA:

shvartzers with attitude.

Hey, man,
watch your mouth.

You can't be
saying that word

unless you want
to get your ass kicked

by a room full of shvartzers.

Come on, Doc,
why you saying that, man?

Hey, what's that
word mean anyway?

It's Yiddish for "black."

Oh!
Monk, what's wrong with you?

What is wrong with you?
I'm sorry.

Hold on.

Doc Harris?

Hm. Stanley Levine.

Y'all know each other?
DOC: Yeah.

This clown stole
my girlfriend.

You used to be a clown?

LEVINE:
I didn't steal her.

you lost her.

When you stole her.

Chris, what you doing hanging
with this guy anyway?

I got trapped outside
during the blackout

and he let me hide in his
house till it was over.

Did you see my woman in there?

You should check his pockets.

I knew coming here
was a bad idea.

Same words spoken
by every white person

in Bed-Stuy since 1964.

While I dealt
with the crazy old man,

Peaches dealt
with a crazy young woman.

* I got the best, the most
Baby, from coast to coast *

* And I don't wanna boast
'Cause I love you, square biz *

* I'm talkin' square biz
To you, baby *

* Square, square biz *

So what you think?

I think a leopard cub
is missing his mommy.

(giggling)

It's a'ight.

"A'ight"?

I thought you knew
what was going on.

This is what's
happening now.

If you're a leopard.

Who told you that?

This girl I met
at the mall named Kiki.

I mean, we're about
the same age,

we like the same things,
we have the same interests.

She's 40

and likes to yell
at people too?

Mm-hm. How old is she?

Twenty-nine.

Twenty-nine?

You have bras
older than that.

Gerald Ford was still president
when you were 29.

When you were 29,

Captain and Tennile was still
at the top of the charts.

When you was 29,

Generalissimo Francisco Franco
still had a country--

Okay, okay, okay.
--when you was 29.

I'm not 29.

Rochelle, I can't believe
you're gonna hang out

with a girl like that.

Got you all out
in clubs and stuff.

Yeah.
Next thing you know,

You be posing for Jet
"Beauty of the Week."

The special
"Slight Tummy" edition.

Everybody looking at you,
knowing all your business.

Your hobbies and your signs
and stuff.

Peaches, okay, I understand

that you are trying
to look out for me,

but I'm just trying
to have some fun.

You are a married woman.

You ain't got no business
having fun.

Peaches, I don't care
what you say, all right?

Age is just a state of mind.

(scoffs)

Okay, well, it's not my fault
you feel old.

Just 'cause you acting
crazy now, I'm old?

Oh, you know what,
go to the club then. Bye.

Bye.
Spush.

I'm going.
Spush.

Spush to you.

Back at school, Greg was doing
more wardrobe changes

than Beyonce in concert.

Janet Jackson?

You're dressed like
Janet Jackson?

Almost as weird
as dressing like Michael.

I'm in control.

You're in a woman suit.

And that wasn't the last time.

While Greg was
at an all-time high,

Mr. Levine hit
an all-time low.

Stan, your door's open.

Doc, call an ambulance.

What did you do?
I didn't do anything.

I just got here
and I found him like this.

The last guy
that said that ended up

in a slow-speed Bronco chase
on the way to Mexico.

The only thing scarier than
a man almost dying

is being the one
that almost killed him.

I thought walking and meeting
people would be good for him.

I didn't know
he had a weak heart.

He's old, Chris.

Everything on him is weak.

What were you thinking?

You got him out running around

like he's Carl Lewis
or something.

He forgot
four prescriptions.

He got pills to take
for everything.

From his heart beating
to blinking his eyes.

He's even got a pill to help
him remember to take his pills.

You think he'll be okay?

At this age,

you can get over anything
with a good nap.

While my mother was getting
ready for her night out,

my father was worried
about eating in.

Hi, Peaches.
Hi, Julius.

What is this?

A TV dinner.

It looked better on TV.

How come you didn't cook?

Because I needed to get
my outfit together.

She needs to get
her head together.

What's that?

It's what the young people
are wearing these days.

Is this what the young people
are eating these days?

Julius, look, I promise,
before I go out tomorrow

I'll cook for you, okay?

Now, baby, just go.

Bye, Peaches.
Bye, Julius.

Rochelle, I don't like
what's happening to you.

You're dressing like
a teenager, wearing wigs.

You just look ridiculous.

Nothing is happening
to me, okay?

I'm just going out
to a few clubs with Kiki.

You ever wonder why Kiki want
to hang with someone your age?

Don't you start with
that 29 thing again.

Girl, you know what,

you ever have
a fat friend?

A fat friend?

Yeah, girl,
you hang out with her

so everybody else
pay attention to you.

So?

So you're Kiki's fat friend.

Aw, pick up and fetch,
you know it's true.

Peaches, you take that back!

Look, Rochelle,
you may not want to accept it,

but you look like
the girl's mother.

I know, you know it,
and she know it.

I do not!

All right, fine.

Believe what you want,

but don't say I
didn't tell you so.

That's what I'm talking, baby.

* Square biz *

* Square biz *

While my mother went out
with a young woman,

Mr. Levine got
a visit from one.

I'm sorry, I think you've
got the wrong room.

That's Stan Levine, right?

Yeah.

Then this is the right room.

Who are you?

I'm Chris.

Chris...?

Oh, you're the one
that almost killed him.

I was just trying to take him
out for a walk.

That almost killed him.
Who are you anyway?

I'm Lisa Levine, his daughter.

His daughter?

But you're black.

Depends on who you ask.

You're black.
Are you his kid too?

No.

How about Angelina Jolie's?

I'm sorry.

Look, I was just trying
to get him out of the house.

It's not your fault.

He shouldn't be living
alone at his age, anyway.

Listen, I don't really
know this neighborhood.

You think you can show me
where his apartment is?

I need to pack up his things

so I can take him
back to Vegas.

You're taking him to Las Vegas?

I have to.

I can't be running back here

every time he forgets
to take a pill.

I'm going to put him
in a retirement home.

Hope it's segregated.

I'll be right back.

I got to talk to his doctors.

LEVINE:
Hey, kid.

Is she gone?

Yeah. How you feeling?

Like you almost killed me.

(sighs)

Hey, how come you have
a black daughter?

You remember when Doc said
I stole his girlfriend?

Let's just say
it was an inside job.

Okay, can't do the joke
I was thinking.

She wants to take you to Vegas.
I heard.

Now you see why I don't
come out of the house.

All I did was open my door,

try to save your life,
and you try to kill me.

Now she's trying
to stick me in a home.

Next time you want
to do me a favor,

do me a favor: don't.

While Mr. Levine
was heading out,

my mother was trying to get in.

Kiki, what's happening, baby?

(laughing):
You.

Ow, ow.
Whoa.

Why don't you wait here while
things clear out a little bit?

Oh, no, no, you don't
understand, I-I'm with her.

Kiki, you didn't tell me
you were bringing your mother.

How you doing, mama?

Come on in.

I am not her mother.

N-No, that's my
friend Rochelle.

Oh, hey, I thought
it was your mother.

Why don't you chill
out here for a minute

and wait here while things,
uh, thin out?

Kiki! Kiki!

You just gonna
leave me out here?

I'll see you inside.

It won't be too long.

Moves.

How you doing, Moves?
Good to see you, brother.

It was ladies' night,
not oldladies' night.

While my mother
was left hanging,

Mr. Levine got sent packing.

So you're really sending him
to the old folks' home?

I could sell his stuff,

put him on the street,
and buy a car.

What type of car?
A used one.

He doesn't have
that much stuff.

He's lived here his entire life
and you're just gonna move him?

What about his friends?

He doesn't have any.
What about his memories?

He's old, he'll forget 'em.
You want somebody to move you?

If somebody tried
to kill me, yeah.

So that's it?

I got to do what
I got to do.

Maybe I should try to kill her.

He said I looked
like her mother.

You're not old.
Yes, I am.

I got kicked
out of the club.

Technically, they just
didn't let you in.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I was too old to make
it through the door.

Baby, forget those young girls.

They wish they
had what you have,

and as long as
I'm your doorman,

you got a lifelong VIP pass

to a one-woman club.

That is the sweetest thing
you've ever said to me.

Three weeks later,
my mother found

the greeting card
he stole it off of

and refused to talk to him
for the next month.

While my mother was going back
to her old self,

Doc got a taste of his past.

How's your mama?
Not thinking about you.

She's fine.
Fine, not thinking about you.

You look just like her.

And you look like
she ain't thinking about you.

Tell her I said, "Hey."

Will do.

You leaving?

Yeah.

Well, where's your dad?

He's staying.
For real?

We talked about it,
and you were right, Chris.

He's lived here
his whole life.

I'm not going to move him
just to make it easier for me.

He wouldn't go, would he?

No.
Hm.

I'm getting him a day nurse.

Because "night nurse"
is a whole other job.

Don't worry,
we'll keep an eye on him.

Thank you.

Back at school, Greg had
officially lost his mind.

Yes.

Hey, Chris-and-Greg.

Hey.

Whoa.

It happens to you too.
What does?

They call you Chris-and-Greg
even if I'm not here.

Yeah, that's who we are.
We're Chris and Greg.

Oh, this is great.
I thought I was the only one

who didn't have a personality
of his own,

but you don't either.

Yay! We both suck!

Sorry, Gerard, looks like
I won't be needing you anymore.

Gerard?

After his daughter left,

for the first time,
I saw Mr. Levine

out on the streets,

but with everything
that happened,

I figured it was best
to leave him alone

until I didn't have a choice.

(indistinct shouting)

(gunfire)

Mr. Levine, it's me, Chris,
let me in.

Let me in.

(yells)

Hey, hey, hey.

Last time I let you in,
I went to the hospital,

almost got shipped to the farm,
you did me a favor--

I saw my daughter,
me and Doc patched it up.

You happy?
Now, beat it.

And with that,
Mr. Levine taught me

everything I needed to know
about white people.

(gunfire and shouting continue)

* Everybody hates Chris *

* Ah, make it funky now *